Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Cross Bones (2005)

Red Blood, the most vicious pirate alive, slaughters his own crew and finds he can't control his ship by himself. After being captured and imprisoned by the British, (who all die from yellow fever), an old pirate shows up out of nowhere and releases Red Blood. After being led to the treasure, Red Blood absconds with it and kills his rescuer.

Needing a place to bury his treasure until he can return, Redblood rows to an island inhabited by natives who throw the blood curse on him and kill him. Bad choice, Red Blood.

In the present day, a group of stereotypes, including the worst rapper ever named Greedy G, have been cast on a reality tv show. Coincidentally they are going to the same island to compete for buried treasure.

The group is forbidden to go to the other side of the island, but two contestants decide to cross the boundary line. One guy mysterioiusly cuts his hand when he goes behind a rock. Next thing you know Red Blood is chewing on the kids neck and blood is flying everywhere. Soon everyone is fighting for their lives as a makeup covered pirate tries to kill them.

I saw this movie years ago, but couldn't remember what it was. I wanted to see it again because I remembered it as being ridiculous and yup, it definitely was. The bad acting, the silly looking pirate wearing eyeliner, the obnoxious producer, the horrible rapping of Greedy G, and the confusing reanimation of Red Blood are just the tip of the iceberg.

The reality show only has one cameraman who wanders through the undergrowth trying to capture footage of the group. But the island is also pre-rigged with cameras. This is great, except I'm not sure how many cameras they would need to view the entire island. Plus the biggest issue with this premise is that the supposed stationary cameras tied in the trees can zoom, pan, and often appear to be handheld since they are not always steady.

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