Friday, December 14, 2012

Christmas Season Massacre (2001)

A stupid local legend claims that unpopular Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo went on a killing spree after his parents gave him a pirate eye patch for Christmas, rather than the shoe he wanted.  You see, eight months earlier some classmates stole one of his shoes.  Tommy was so poor that his family couldn't afford another shoe, and apparently he only had one pair of socks which were never washed.  So the kids kept making fun of him and he went nuts.

Okay, I must digress.  Seriously?  So in eight months, his parents couldn't save up five bucks to go to the thrift store to get him a pair of shoes?  Or he couldn't steal a shoe?  Or he couldn't make a shoe out of cardboard and color it black?  Or he couldn't find a shoe by the side of the road?  I don't know how many times I've seen one shoe at the edge of the road.

Anyway, Tommy comes back every year at Christmas to murder people.  Only six of his classmates are left alive.  So one of the guys sets up a reunion and says they should stay at his cabin and wait for Tommy.  If Tommy shows up, they kill him before he kills them.

This leads to the wacky comedy stylings of our nerd, a yokel who sings dumb songs to his girlfriend, and people drinking beer while playing a game of trivial pursuit.

This is the type of movie you'll like if you were in it, or maybe if you're friends with the filmmakers, but otherwise it holds no appeal.  The comedy falls flat, and there's a terrible scene with a couple getting naked, and the guy putting a watermelon pinata on his head.  Not funny, not sexy - trust me, you don't want to see this.

Also if you're going to use the word Christmas in your title, it should really be a Christmas movie.  There's one scene with no dialogue and a couple exchanging presents in front of a decorated tree.   Other than that, a brief scene at the end, and mentions of things that happened at Christmas are all you're going to get.  It's really not a Christmas movie,  but every year you know someone is going to get suckered into watching this when they're in the mood for Christmas horror flicks.

Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo in his dimestore pirate
patch, doorag.... and jean shorts. 

Words can't describe the Christmas feel of
this compact car driving in a field of grass.

Spot the nerd.

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