Saturday, January 31, 2015
Universal Solider: The Return (1999)
Jean Claude is Luc, a man who works on the Universal Soldier project, which is essentially reanimating soldiers by pushing a huge block in their brain. Luc used to be a UniSol, but now he's not. I'm not sure how this could ever happen, but what the hell. It's a Jean Claude movie so things aren't likely to make sense.
When the computer, known as Seth, learns that the UniSol program is being shut down, he goes rogue, locks down the building, and kills everyone in charge. Then he reanimates all the UniSol's, sends them to kill everyone else, and sets out to find a body to house his essence.
When Luc advises everyone to save themselves and get the hell out, our plucky gal reporter doesn't want to give up on this incredible story. So Jean Claude proves his gallantry by protecting her. He also has a daughter to rescue, which follows standard action movie cliches by showing the tough guy is also sensitive and cares about children and small animals.
Get ready for scenes of sad Luc mooning over the death of his spouse juxtaposed with scenes of him beating the hell out of the UniSol's and an artfully lit shot of Luc's butt... a little something for the ladies. This isn't a good movie, but then again, did you expect it to be? It's okay to watch if you're doing housework or just in the mood for something you don't need to think about at all.