Sunday, April 24, 2016

Catacombs (1988)

A few hundred years ago in the catacombs under a monestary, priests lock up a demon that looks like a crazy Kim Fowley with Edgar Winter hair.  In the present day, the monastery still exists and young teacher Elizabeth arrives to stay for awhile.  Most of the priests are gracious, except for weirdo Brother Marinus who is convinced that having a woman there will bring evil upon them.

Whether it's true or just coincidence, one of the brothers is down in the catacombs, sees the seal across the demons tomb, and promptly removes. it  No one shall ask why he wouldn't know that a sealed room should not be opened.  Oh well, he can't be very popular with the others because after he dies, no one notices he's missing.

Timothy Van Patten is Father John, the youngest priest. In fact, he's the only young priest, which makes it strange that he's also the most boring priest. He spends his time lying on the floor muttering, being kind, or talking to Elizabeth. He's a level headed guy but he's questioning his faith.

Meanwhile there's a brother in the basement eating a candy bar and the life-sized sexy Jesus nailed to the cross has extricated himself and is starting to head his way. Well this isn't going to work out well for anyone.  So now we've got a demon who can possess inanimate objects. So that's different.

This may have been an okay movie if it weren't so incredibly boring.  Although the demon escapes, not much happens until the last part of the movie.  You keep waiting for him to show up, but nope.  It's just people talking and wandering around underground, or Brother Marinus scaring the heck out of the other brothers with his screeching about the evil of a woman in the monastery.

The best part of the film is when the credits rolled and one of the characters was Possessed Albino.  Wait? So that wasn't a demon?  It was just a possessed albino?  What the hell?  So why did his body  look fine 400 years later, other than an old face?  Surely a demon can't keep a human body looking young and maintain a six-pack while chained to a wall.

One last thing, they must have spent most of their money on the candle budget because there are candles lining every corridor in the catacomb

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