Chateau (2024)

James, who is female, wants to be an influencer and vlogger, but only gets around forty views on her videos. Her friend Dash says she hasn’t found her voice yet. This is due to James having no original ideas or interests. She’s desperate to get the approval of strangers and makes videos about whatever she thinks might get her views.

After her mom died, James went to Paris and began rooming with Dash. But she doesn’t have enough money to pay the rent this month so she applied for a job to clean an estate. It’s a two hour drive but when she hears it’s called the murder castle and is supposed to be haunted, she thinks a ghost hunt is her ticket to influencer. 

She parks in front of the estate and starts filming, which makes things awkward when the owner comes out to greet her.  James is given instructions on cleaning, warned there is no cell service, and told the owner is going into town and will be back tomorrow.  

The estate is huge but James decides to spend the first night ghost hunting. I have no idea how she’s going to get this place clean, and neither does James. But her only concern is getting footage that can get her followers.

She’s spent a whole day there without doing any cleaning and the owner will be home that night. Is she going to clean? Sort of, but she’s also going to look for a wine cellar and drink some wine while she cleans.  She also takes a pastry, but after touching it and having it next to food she’s eating, she puts it back on the pastry tray. Yuck!

This is another movie where the main character is self absorbed and only cares about being internet famous.  She makes bad decisions and it drives me crazy that there is no way she could clean that house when she’s spent the majority of her time investigating or walking around outside.

Ridiculous dialogue

I want to make content that people like.

Isn’t this editing software so good? It’s so easy to use.

Ouija Experiment (2022)

Five people agree to take part in an experiment that gauges the psychological effects of using an ouija board. What is the hypothesis and criteria for measuring what is happening? We are not informed. Neither are the participants. 

After using the ouija, the individuals go home and film for thirty days. Maybe they’ll have ghostly experiences or a demon will follow them home. What they didn’t expect is everyone having a violent interaction with the spirit world. The people they live with are impacted as well. By the end of the movie, the participants are either missing, deceased or under arrest.

The movie is essentially each person’s self shot footage. Is this a legitimate research experiment or a student gone rogue? There are no controls or variables introduced. They just use a ouija and are on their own.  When the person running the experiment checks in with Sean, he says his girlfriend was bitten and having bad experiences. They tell him it’s only psychological so he should keep going. So I guess that answers the question as to whether it’s using scientific methods or just some random student trying to be edgy. 

Ridiculous dialogue

The ouija board has been evil since 1973.

Goodnight Light (2023)

Twelve year old Emma is put in an asylum after stabbing her mother to death. Nine years later she’s still locked up and won’t talk to the psychiatrist.

Next thing you know it’s present day with a group of college students who go to a cabin for the weekend.  Lexi is so unlikeable you’ll wonder why anyone would want to be friends with her or date her.  She’s condescending, makes fun of her friends, constantly complains, is ungrateful, and super high maintenance.  As a teenager, you can get stuck with crappy friends, but screw that once you’re an adult.

That night around the campfire they play Never Have I Ever around the campfire and someone says murdered someone. When Lexi passes, one of the girls tells her she kind of did. Lexi insists they all did. But the others say it was all on Lexi, who convinced Emma that if she performed a ritual and killed her mother, she’d get her dad back.  Lexi counters Emma was stupid to do it. Later that night they pull out an Ouija board and things take a turn for the worse.

The flashbacks are confusing as it’s not clear which character is which. I thought one girl said something about Carmen, but then later Lexi addressed that girl as Carmen.  They’re a bunch of mean girls who targeted a girl whose dad died.  Then Lexi grew up, changed her ways and become a wonderful person… no, of course not. Lexi learned nothing and is still a piece of crap.

Ridiculously painful dialogue

You’re up, sexy Lexi.

Why don’t you ever call me things like that?

Because nothing good rhymes with Carmen.

What about charmin’ the pants off Carmen?

Embedded (2012)

Cattle are disappearing and the locals think it’s either wolves or grizzlies. Reporter James and cameraman Tom are irritated they were sent to cover the story.  They’re used to covering the war in Iraq, but James made an enemy by sleeping with someone’s wife and has been relegated to less exciting stories.

While they at the press conference, a pick up truck crashes in the street and a hysterical man inside screams, “It has my boy.” A posse is formed and teams of hunters head out to try to track down the beast and rescue the twelve year old boy that’s missing.

Deputy Clyde doesn’t want James or Tom to come on the hunt. He was a Green Beret and they were with his unit in Afghanistan and he has issues with them.  They are not great at blending in. They’re constantly annoying the members of the posse, and butting in or commenting at the wrong times.

It’s hard to believe Tom is a professional cameraman since he can’t focus through branches.  He’s going to miss a lot if he has no idea how to manually focus on his subject.  Also odd is that when someone in the posse disappears in the midst of chaos, no one thinks to look at the footage they’ve shot to figure out what happened and kind of animal it was. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Rescue: Where is everyone? Over.

Sheriff:  They’re dead. Over.

Rescue: Is this a prank? Over.

Continuity - the eyes

Knock Knock 2 (2011)

Jordan and Stef live in Los Angeles but have never done a haunted Hollywood tour.  They decide to make their own list of murder sites to visit and convince their boyfriends Aiden and Beckett to come with them.  

Once it’s dark, they drive around as they read the history of the murders from printouts of webpages. They complain about having difficulty finding the houses as some don’t have numbers. It never occurs to them they are the reason the numbers are gone. No one wants a group college students pulling into their driveways, trying to get through locked gates and attempting to open the doors on their homes. Not to mention they keep giggling loudly about the murders.

At one house, the girls manipulate the guys into coming up on the porch saying once everyone touches the doorknob, they’ll leave.  But the girls push it further when they discover the house is unlocked and walk inside.

When their soft headed boyfriends wander in behind them to make sure they’re okay, the door slams behind them.  It’s funny until they notice there is no doorknob.  More alarming, the windows are boarded up from the inside. The inside? Things will not go well for our young intrepid idiots.

Watch for the scenes where the guys try using brute strength to remove the plywood without removing the 2x4s nailed over them.  They never stood a chance.

The movie has them reading stories of each deaths. Was it so hard to remember the stories? These are deaths of real people and a few have photos from the crime scenes which seem questionable to include.

Ridiculous dialogue from kids who are fine with breaking and entering:

Well the gate’s open so it’s free game.

How do we get in? It’s got cameras.

Pumpkin Man (2023)

Catherine is obsessed with the legend of Pumpkin Man. She tours Sir Henry’s Haunted Trail and discovers some of the props are historical artifacts.   It turns out Pumpkin Man is a demon and you can summon him if you have the spell.

When she sneaks into an area where the tour doesn’t go, she sees a piano. One of the keys is a dead key and when she hits it, a piece of paper falls out. So no one has hit that key since 1790?

In a huge leap in logic, Catherine believes the paper is proof that Pumpkin Man exists. She believes she’s going to get an A in history because of the note. Sigh.

Why does Catherine want to resurrect a demon?  It will not go well for her, her friends or anyone else in town. And why does no one even consider if there is a spell to stop the demon?

This seems to be a movie for teens.  Catherine looks like she’s in junior high, but I guess she looks young for her age since her best friend applied to college.  The night scenes in the woods are often too dark to tell what is going on.

Catherine looks far younger than her boyfriend

The old book hidden for years under only an inch of soil

Knucklebones (2016)

Neesa is about to graduate from high school when her boyfriend dumps her. He says he’s doing her a favor. It’s best for both of them so they don’t miss any opportunity’s when they go to college. He is surprised when instead of being grateful, Neesa attempts to take her own life.

After she recovers, a couple of her friends convince her to go to the old factory with Adam and Travis. Legend says it’s haunted. It closed in the 1970s after people were murdered on the graveyard shift.

Even though it’s been closed almost fifty years, the generator and electricity still works and the factory is clean.  When they hear a noise in the basement that seems to be coming from behind the wall, Adam cuts open the wall and they find a box of Nazi crap hidden within.

The box includes some dice made from knuckle bones. As if that isn’t creepy enough, you can use them to summon a demon.  Three of the five are all in on bringing forth the demon. Neesa is more interested in leaving a message for Ryan telling him she loves him, misses him and it’s not his fault that she tried to die.

Soon there is a Nazi demon skeleton slinging quips around and the kids scatter.  At this point, new characters show up, like the addicts who break in to steal metal, and the crazy guy living in the factory who’s been looking for the Nazi stuff for years.  Hurrah more victims. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Adam: We found the dice in the basement sealed behind the wall.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that. Been coming here for years looking for them. Eventually I just moved on in here.

Neesa: There wasn’t anything about any kind of banishment ritual.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that too.

The Andy Baker Tape (20210

Jeff is a YouTuber who travels and rates food.  His channel is popular enough that he has a possible deal with the Food Network. He needs to put together a submission with new footage.

After his father died in an accident, Jeff used an ancestry site for a DNA testing. He’d never met his dad’s side of the family and wondered if he had any living relatives.  When he discovers he has a half brother named Andy, he makes plans to visit him while traveling to shoot footage for his submission.

Andy lives alone down a dirt road and is a bit odd. But that could be the discomfort and awkwardness of meeting a brother he didn’t know existed. It could also be that Jeff is a bit of a douche. He’s got that influencer thing going where his camera is always on and it’s all about his footage and other people be damned. So Andy is stuck with Jeff’s onscreen persona rather than Jeff being genuine and trying to get to know him. 

When Jeff incorporates Andy into the filming, things go wrong. Andy is uncomfortable being on camera. He’s either overly quiet or too boisterous.  When Jeff asks him to film, Andy either doesn’t shoot what Jeff wants or isn’t careful with the equipment.  Jeff’s condescending attitude doesn’t help and makes Andy angry.

While Jeff looks forward to continuing on his way, Andy manages to talk him into dropping him off at a job in another town.  Things don’t go as planned and the extra day of travel turns in to multiple days. Jeff seems to forget that just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you know them, which is too bad since Andy is starting to act pretty weird.

After watching so many crappy, low budget, found footage horror movies,  this was decent.

The Wild Man: Skunk Ape (2021)

Sarah and her documentary crew, made up of her boyfriend Brandon and friend Tim, head to a small town to investigate a substantial  number of missing teenagers.   Samantha is the most recent so Sarah decides they’re going to go to her house to interview her family. The guys think it’s a horrible idea and wonder what’s wrong with her since the family has not responded to Sarah’s ten phone calls.

After being kicked off their property, Sarah interviews locals who talk about the skunk ape, which is the local version of Bigfoot.  People say skunk ape expert Dale could take them into the woods to try to find the creature. Either that or he may kill you since some locals think he is responsible for the missing teens.

Dale has been looking for the skunk ape for twenty five years. I’m not sure if that makes him an expert since he’s never found anything. It seems unlikely working with Dale as their guide will help, but surprisingly while deep in the woods they hear scary noises.

When things don’t go as planned and one of the group disappears, the other wants to pack it in. But Sarah is focused on her story and finds someone who says the skunk ape has ties to a nearby military base. This leads to them sneaking around all hunched over in the dark trying to be stealthy. Yet undermining it by shining a light on themselves because they are filming. Sigh. 

Sarah is really unlikeable. She’s self righteous and self absorbed.  While she says it’s about finding the truth, she’s incredibly cavalier and even considers maybe it’s Samantha’s dad that’s responsible for her disappearance.  As if it’s not be enough his daughter is missing, now he’s being accused of facilitating her disappearance. 

Ridiculous dialogue

I mean, that was a threat. That means we’re on to something.

The nonsense of sneaking hunched over in the
dark while shining a light on themselves.

Beyond the North Woods (2022)

Obnoxious YouTuber Paul and his camerawoman Angela head to Duluth, MN to investigate the paranormal and mysterious disappearances in the woods. They stay at a hotel and each get their own room. Someone keeps calling Angela’s phone over and over. When she answers it’s a weirdo who seems to be able to see into her room as he knows what she’s wearing and doing.

The next day Paul and Angela head to the woods and meet Jordan, a ranger who will guide them through the forest as they film their episode.  Jordan laughs anxiously at everything Paul says. The dialogue is awkward and I’m guessing it’s improvised since it’s so banal.

Jordan turns out to be the worst ranger ever. When they head back to the parking lot, she’s not sure which path to take and they end up lost. She has no idea where they are. Things go down hill from there.

I do appreciate the longs shots with no cuts, but listening to them prattle on inanely about nothing is tedious. This is mostly a couple of people walking through the woods. One who thinks a bit too much of himself and won’t shut up. And the other seems socially anxious and laughs too much.