The Widow (2020)

While on a training session, a rescue team receives a call of a missing boy in the forest and heads into the woods to search for him.  Along for the ride is a reporter doing a story on the team.  In an attempt to cover the most ground before the sun goes down, they split up and wander through the woods calling for the boy. 

What they find instead is an unclothed woman who tells them they’ll never leave the forest and a carving on a tree representing an evil spirit. And apparently there is a witch with broken legs who steal peoples clothes, which is why lost people end up naked. One team member scoffs at these shenanigans. But when the van gets stuck and things start going wrong, it seems there might have some weight to these.

They repeatedly say people who enter the woods never escape. Yet there is a logging path leading to the highway.  So if no one ever comes back, how long before they stop sending in loggers? Also there is a story of a logger found naked in the woods who went back to his village and then chocked to death. So it seems like a lot of people are leaving these non leave-able woods.

The version of this movie I saw was dubbed and dubbing is never as good as the original dialogue and soundtrack.  

The evil symbol carved in a tree

Andre is Blair Witching it.

The Legend of Fall Creek (2021)

In 1988 Bobby Maxwell went to a Halloween party, was chased into Diablos Den by bullies, and never seen again. Legend has it he sometimes shows up to seek revenge.  So I guess those who chased him ought to be worried. But then again it’s been twenty years and they’re fine, so he’s taking his sweet time about it. 

Reggie, who moved when in high school, comes back to town and books a room at the motel. There he drinks and banters awkwardly with his cousin Tiffany, who is super annoying.  Tiffany is excited about the Halloween party where she is supposed to meet her online boyfriend for the first time. Tiffany says when they first talked they wore masks because the anonymity allowed them to open up.  That seems messed up and a good way to get catfished.

When bodies are found in Diablo’s Den, a local at the diner tells the new deputy  about Bloody Bobby. Then a reporter asks if she can takes notes, which is an odd thing to say when intruding on someones conversation.

It’s also odd that some people say Bobby fell into a ravine near the highway and was hit by a car.  This glosses over the fact his body was never found, which would be very odd if he was truly hit on the highway.

Reggie is hesitant to go the the Halloween party since it’s being thrown by one of his high school bullies. But Tiffany doesn’t believe in childhood trauma and condescendingly pressures Reggie into going. Too bad because Bloody Bobby is in town and the party is where he’s heading. Nothing good will come to anyone thinking of attending that party.

When I first heard them mention Diablos Den and Bloody Bobby, I realized I’d heard these before and wondered if it was a real legend.  Nope, it’s just someone doing a poor job of trying to start a franchise. This was also in Black Pumpkins. It doesn’t matter which you watch first, but you’d probably be better of if you skipped them both. 

The movie opens with text explaining grindhouse, which is odd since this movie is not grindhouse. Occasionally it will transition between scenes with a processed grindhouse tropes, like film sprockets, color glitches, scratches, or the film melting. But that doesn’t make a film grindhouse when 98 percent of the movie looks like a clean, modern production.

The characters are not likable. While Reggie seems shell shocked, Tiffany comes off as condescending and obnoxious. There isn’t one person to like in this film.  Reggie’s high school crush is okay, but she has trouble biting through an apple slice which betrays she’ll have no hope of surviving the onslaught of a killer from beyond the grave.   

Ridiculous dialogue

Ghost Hunter - I am a paranormal forensic investigator.

Cop - I don’t got time for this. I’ve got cop shit to do.

Reggie - He used to kick my ass every day in school.

Tiffany - Oh my god Reggie, it’s twenty years ago. Just get over it.

Blood and a shower drain? Stop embarrassing yourself

Grindhouse indeed

So everyone gets their costumes at department stores?

The new deputy winning friends by revealing his disbelief. 

Tiffany is a joy to be around.

If you’re just back in town, don’t go creepy on the clown costume

Horror in the High Desert (2021)

Gary Hinge has a YouTube channel where he posts videos about his hikes for his 50,000 followers. On a trip to Nevada in the middle of nowhere, he smells smoke and comes upon a cabin. Something about it creeps him out so much, he hightails it out of there.  

As is typical with the internet, his viewers don’t believe it was all that scary. They call him chicken and pressure him into going back to get proof.  Other viewers ask for the coordinates and say they’ll go if he’s too afraid, Gary doesn’t want to put anyone else in danger so he goes out alone. Things do not go well for Gary as he is never seen again.

The movie is a pseudo documentary in which there is footage from Gary’s videos intercut with interviews with his roommate, sister, the Sheriff who conducted the search, and a few others.  It seems to be loosely based on Kenny Veach, a hiker who disappeared while going back to a cave where he reported the closer he got to the entrance the more uncomfortable he became and he was so scared he didn’t go inside.  

 

The Followers (2021)

Disgraced former reality star Jonty is off to college where he hopes  to increase his following and distance himself from his past.  He rooms with Zorna who makes documentaries, Amber who is also an influencer, and Peter, a PhD student from Scotland who is not pleased at rooming with nineteen year olds.

The first night they hear the sound of music and they go to investigate the source. One of the group thinks the place is haunted. I’m not sure why that’s the first thought rather than a neighbor, but they end up in the basement where they find a squatter. Security sends the squatter packing.

Jonty is self absorbed and spends his days trying to figure out how to get more followers. He posts videos about their house being haunted and gets his roommates to do a ghost hunt. A psychic says they should leave before the vengeful spirit in the house kills them.  

Jonty pays someone to dress as a ghost to scare Amber. Not only is that good for likes, but it gives him an opportunity to protect her and try to hook up with her.  Yeah, Jonty hasn’t learn anything from his past.

After someone dies in the building, the group moves out. But ten days later, Jonty contacts them and says he has a sponsor with lots of cash who will pay them to move back in. They’ll have cameras everywhere and if there are any ghosts, they’ll be famous. He’s got ten million viewers now and this sponsorship means Jonty is willing to put everyone’s life at risk for the sake of his fame.

Somehow Jonty proves to the internet that ghosts exist by finding a cassette tape hidden in the wall. It makes no sense that people would say this is proof of an afterlife, but there you go.  

In a scene right out of a James Bond movie where the villain needs to make sure Bond knows what is going on, the antagonist pours lighter fluid on themselves and brandished a lighter. But first insists the roommates watch a video while they provide exposition on what is going on and why they did what they did.  Why the kids didn’t immediately run out of the room is beyond me.  They were closer to the door and in better shape than the killer. So could have gotten out of there before there was any chance of death or injury. Stupid kids.

They could have run out the door but they have no
sense of self preservation  

The only appropriate way to look at Jonty

Jonty and his jaunty hat make their first appearance

I Wish, I Wish (2016)

Aka Deseo, Deseo

After their grandmother dies, five cousins go to her house to start cleaning it out. They find a game which allows them to wish for their hearts desire. The game board reflects the wish and then tells them what to do to get it.  There is a cost for everything.  After everyone makes a wish, blood is spilled on the game, and we know things won’t end well. 

The big problem with this movie is the characters are horrible people.  One is a jerk right out of the gate. But even those who seem decent start falling like dominos as we are let in on their superficiality and self interest at others expense.  

As things start going wrong, and they realize it’s the game, these idiots keep making wishes trying to fix things. Do you not understand the game will never give you a fair deal?

Ridiculous dialogue:

No one calls me a child!

The game is kind of cool, other than it kills you.

Why does grandma have a One Direction poster on her wall?

They look far too happy for the cover of an evil game.

The Last Inn (2021)

After Laura crashes her car on an isolated road, she starts walking to find help and ends up at a large inn. The owner Mr. Lawst tells her there are no rooms. But when Mrs. Lawst appears, Emily begs to be allowed to stay and is given a room.

For an inn that is full, the only ones to appear at breakfast are a couple named Peter and Nicole, and a young man named Steven. Apparently the road to town is blocked and there is no cell services so they are stuck there until things are cleared.

The Lawsts stay in the farmhouse at night which means they leave their guests alone in this massive inn. One night Laura is frantically looking for Mrs. Lawst.   She wanders around shouting, “Mrs. Lawst?”  She shouts this seventeen times in forty two seconds. It was incredibly annoying. 

Strange things happen at the inn. The couple seems to be stalked by a strange doll that keeps showing up even after they get rid of it by varying methods.  Steven keeps taking photographs of Laura.  Laura has disturbing run ins with the mother of a young child, neither of which ever show up at breakfast.  Mr. Lawst seems to be chopping up bodies, but who they are and why he needs to dispose of them is not clear.

At one point things get very confusing when Laura says that after she had the accident, she “…just can’t remember things these last few months.”  Wait, have they been at the inn for months? No, they haven’t. It’s just confusing dialogue.

It’s hard to tell who they’re aiming at for viewers.  It has the feel of a Lifetime movie, with generic soap opera music. Yet at the same time, it seems like a kids movie, except there are a few scenes that might be too scary for children.  If the Lifetime channel and Full Moon made a movie, this would probably be it.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Laura - I’m a grown up. I’ve put it all behind me.

Steven - But you still don’t trust men.

Laura - But I can’t feel her pulse.

Steven - Maybe it’s one of overdose symptoms.

Steven - Some dolls have souls and if they’re from an unknown source, I don’t think we should mess with them. 

Laura - Mmm, I see

Steven - You can never be too careful

Laura - What would I do without you.

She can be wicked and likes to play pranks. But if you’re nice to her, she’ll treat you like family.

The tub with no faucets

Chill: the Killing Game (2013)

Chill is a game some kids came up with in the 1980s where everyone draws a piece of paper and one person is the killer.  The  players have to figure out the identity of the killer before they are picked off. But one night, the killer actually murdered everyone. So the town is a little touchy about the game.

When Jared does a class presentation about Chill using footage from the night of the murders, Professor Walker is not amused. Jared plans to have people play the game and broadcast it live. If Jared can make this into a decent web series, a gaming company is interested in making it into a game.  Jared uses this to convince Kyle to provide technical support since Kyle idolizes the guy from the gaming company.

Jared is completely unlikeable, yet he manages to convince fellow classmates to go into the building to clean it. Based on the huge size of the building, it’s completely pointless other than a means to get victims into the building so we know there’s a killer before the game starts. 

It’s a bit confusing who is actually playing the game. There’s a goth blogger, a former child reality star, his personal assistant, a reporter, the famous gamer, and some other people who maybe playing the game, or are just in the building. It’s never clear and some characters are so forgettable, when they show up half way through the movie, I couldn’t remember seeing them before. Oh and how could I forget the son of one of the murdered women who played the game in the eighties, which would mean she was a teenage mother.

As we already know, there is a killer in the building and the bodies start piling up.  The game is broadcast live, but it doesn’t seem like anything of interest is going out over the air.  When the feed dies, people sort of shrug and go off to do something else. 

Why would the newspaper think this was in honor of the murdered teens when they’re playing in the location of the deaths and on the anniversary?  Why do filmmakers forget the URL for their website will betray that it’s not actually a website, but a folder on their computer?  Why would an entire building have shatterproof glass?  How did Jared get the okay to nail all the windows shut? It’s a fire violation, damages the frames, and someone will have to remove all the nails when they’re done. If you escape from a killer, why would you leave the window to your truck open?  And most importantly, why does the video of the murders say the date is 4/5/1987, when we are told the date of the murders is June 17,1988?

If you watch the trailer for the movie, they use the generic horror movie music that comes with iMovie at both the beginning and end of their trailer.  The music is decent, but it is so weird to hear music that came with the software in a movie that actually got distribution.

Ridiculous dialogue:

You’re going to do what you want to do, but you need to promise me you’ll be very, very careful.

We are very much honored to have Tyler Westfall, son of the fallen Elizabeth Westfall, here to help us keep the game as accurate as possible.

Maddie: She obviously thinks you’re hot.

Devin: What? Ew! She’d be horrible for my image.

This is supposed to be the live stream, but the
URL shows it’s a folder on the computer.

Kyle is one of those guys who parks in four parking spots

Just escaped a killer, your windows are open and your doors
unlocked? I’m sure you’ll be fine

The brain trust watches the live event

The VHS says the deaths occurred on 4/5/1987,
but we’re told the murders happened on 6/17/88.

Someone should punch Jared in his smug face

The expression of the guy on the right reminds me of a cartoon

Yes, the flyer with the slashed neck is honoring the dead 

Creepy goth girl in back

She wore this to do janitorial cleaning.

Digging to Death (2021)

David is newly divorced, up for a promotion at work, and moving into a new home he’s just purchased.  Well that’s a lot of stress. On top of that, his daughter is afraid she’s going to lose her insurance and not be able to afford the treatment for her health condition. David says not to worry as the promotion can help pay those bills, plus it’s allowing him to afford this new house.  He may want to actually have gotten the promotion before taking on additional financial responsibilities.

When David starts digging in the backyard, he finds a huge box an inch beneath the surface. It’s probably seven feet by seven feet.  When David opens it, he finds a body and piles of cash.  Why would anyone put either of those things in such a shallow hole?

For reasons not explained, David fears if he reports the dead body to the police, they’ll think he did it.  Since he just moved into the home, it’s unlikely they would suspect him unless he has some sort of violent past.  He hides the cash in the house and covers up the box with the body in it. Thus starts a series of strange occurences where he finds muddy footprints in his house, and sees the corpse banging on the  door outside the security room. Then David starts killing anyone he suspects may be after the money - and he suspects anyone who talks to him.

There’s a continuity issue where the money goes from being loose in the hole to back into the garbage bag the next day. Also with the amount of time he opens and closes the box, I can’t believe his neighbors wouldn’t have seen.  If a new neighbor moves in and you see him constantly out in the back yard with a shovel, you might watch absentmindedly or be more curious thinking, what the hell is that guy doing?

The movie starts off slow but you get sucked in and wonder what is going on. But a it goes on, it’s just David getting paranoid about his money, and obsessing about his potential promotion, while going insane. Is it the money, the divorce, is he off his meds, or was he just hiding his insanity all along and the stress tipped him over the edge?

Ridiculous dialogue:

Did the last people leave the fridge and stove? [said while looking at the fridge and stove in the house her father has already moved into]

The board covered by only an inch of soil. 

Things (1989)

Don and his friend Fred go to a cabin to visit Don’s brother Doug.  Don and Fred drink beer, eat sandwiches, sit on the couch, and when Doug arrives home, they all talk. Doug tells them a doctor experimented on his wife Susan, weird things happen, and the movie eventually culminates in carnage, boredom, and things.

Doug lives in a hovel, yet he’s apparently a collector of fine art. He owns a Salvador Dali and another painting was given to him by the Queen of England.

The dubbing doesn’t always match the mouths. At one point Don is talking, but his lips aren’t moving.  Then his lips start moving, but there’s no dialogue.  There are fart noises out of nowhere.  The sound of water is heard prior to the faucet being turned on. When they drink beer, the sound of gulp gulp gulp is heard.

The timeline of the film is confusing since it seems to take place in one night. Yet there are repeated cuts to a newscast, which at one point mentions Don and Fred have been missing for fourteen days. Sometimes it cuts to the newscast, even when there isn’t a tv tuned to the news. Also why are the reporters in two different studios? 

The soundtrack seems to be mostly done on a Casio keyboard. The sound level varies between lines so one line might be loud, while the next is barely audible. Sometimes it sounds like clothing is rubbing on the mic, yet they dubbed the sound later,  which makes it even more confusing. There are times where they go from loud sound effects, to sound effects dropping out and music playing, to the music abruptly stopping in the middle of a chord.

This is a bizarre low budget movie shot on super 8. As with many low budget movies, there are production problems with the film, which can be amusing, confusing, or frustrating.  The first time I saw this, I thought it was hilarious. When I watched it again, I found it tedious to get through.  It’s no doubt a horrible movie. The question is, can you get any enjoyment from this amateur production? Dr. Lucas manages to stand out from the other amateurs with smiling and laughing at inappropriate times, plus a terrible delivery of lines.

Ridiculous dialogue: 

Doug are you here? Doug are you alive?

How’d that movie start that you’re always talking about. You know the weird one…with all the weird things.

Newscaster: A medical discovery by the world reknowned Dr. Lucas of Grizzly Flats. Scientists and surgeons alike are very excited. Dr. Lucas has discovered that if the human brain is exposed to ultra violet light, a humans life span will double. Scientists all over the world are very happy with the discovery.

Fred: Why don’t we do something about this? Call the police or something?

Don: Can’t do too much (sigh). Can’t make it through those woods, the phones out, can’t do nothing.  Might get attacked by bears, rattlesnakes. This is a real creepy place, you know.

Newscaster: Fourteen days since Brooklyn residents Don Drake and Fred Lewis were last seen alive.  Police are investigating a tip from a New Jersey woman who says she saw them murdered by a gang of bikers and dumped into the Atlantic Ocean. At the moment, it’s only speculation. More details will follow soon.

What the fuck?

Where’s Fred?

I think he went into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimension.

It looks like he got sucked into that mouse hole.

I think I know what happened. Spontaneous combustion.

Lost your train of thought, didn’t I.

Oh I hammered your head in. Are you alright?

I’m not very good at electricity things.

I wish I had a midget for a brother. You’re fucking heavy.

Newscaster: A New Jerey woman who gave police a tip earlier in the day has been deemed psychologically insane by the staff at St. Mary’s Hospital in New York. There is still a chance that after being declared missing for fourteen days, Don Drake and Fred Lewis may still be alive.

Newscaster: Don Drake and Fred Lewis were surprised to find out today that they were being sought after in a nationwide manhunt after they were reported missing fourteen days ago. They checked into a hotel in Dallas. An off duty security guard noticed the two checking out and was quickly told off by the two, who say they are traveling across the United States to visit a relative. So much for privacy in the good old US of A. 

Newscaster: At present time, residents refuse to leave their homes. We will have up to date reports every hour on the hour.

I’m Dr. Lucas from Grizzly Flats.

So you’re the fucking bastard, huh? Susan’s dead. Everybody’s dead all because of you.

Who, me?

Do you want to see some blood? First off look at this door.

Oh god. What a horrible mess. This is ghastly. Brutal. Horrible. Insane. (Puts hand in pool of blood on pillow), Mmmm, that’s human blood alright.

The sandwiches that appear to be a pile of bread

The newscaster who regularly looks off to the side
and is not in the same studio as the other newscaster

That is definitely not a real book.

They are correct. It is an experience.

Scotty, the other newscaster in an entirely different studio

He has an original Salvador Dali in his garbage house

Get ready for a lot of this