Ghosthunter (2016)

 

After Henry’s wife and daughter are murdered, he decides to go back to the scene of the crime. He’s concerned the ghosts of his family will be stuck there forever and wants to release them so they can be at peace.

Prior to the murders, Henry and his paranormal team set up equipment at the murder site, which is an abandoned mansion that a serial killer used as a kill site. They wanted to do experiments in contacting the dead.  They assume the equipment is still there since the police wouldn’t have known what is was.  Apparently the police aren’t very good at their jobs since the equipment includes computers. They certainly should have grabbed those to make sure there was no evidence of serial killer-y web searches or manifestos. 

The only skeptic in the group is someone’s girlfriend who is along for the ride.  When they show her a pair of goggles that look like something out of a steampunk convention, they tell her it’s an invention to see ghosts. She asks if she can use them. No one is concerned that she may damage their only pair of ghost glasses as she wanders off on her own without any instructions. Yes that’s right. They only have one pair of these fabulous ghost seeing spectacles.

When they start their experiments looking for apparitions, she continues using the glasses. Yes by all means, please allow the person who has no idea how to use them and doesn’t believe in ghosts to have the one means of actually seeing what you’re trying to contact.  Never give the amateur your ghost glasses!

The group captures some ectoplasm and the interactions with the ghosts become increasingly hostile.  For a bunch of ghost hunters, they don’t seem very well versed in their craft. They hear the voice of a friend up ahead when they just left him behind but don’t think it suspicious.  Pretty much every ghost hunting movie can be summed up by saying people go looking for ghosts and something goes horribly wrong.

This is an Asylum film so you know what you’re getting. It’s a step up from a lot of their stuff but its still not great. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Wait! Did anyone ever stop to think this could be dangerous?

Halloween Party (2019)

 

An interactive meme is popping up on people’s computers and asking them to enter their biggest fear.  As the clock counts down, it informs them that if they don’t enter answer or they lie, then their biggest fear will come for them.  Grace is freaked out and types in her fear, while Zoe doesn’t take it seriously - because let’s face it, why would you - and lies.  The next day she is killed by her greatest fear.

Grace contacts the polic but why would they ever believe she was killed by a meme? So she enlists resident nerd and computer expert Spencer to help her investigate.  The two actually have more in common than at first glance since pretty Grace was nerdy in high school.

They discover Zoe’s dorm used to be a hospital for deformed children and the doctors who ran it still live nearby.  Doctors? Hospitals? Deformed children? This doesn’t bode well for anyone.

The movie is well done but there’s nothing particularly scary about it. 

The Whispering Man (2019)

 

Mark and his brother Tommy go to clean out their grandmothers home. Actually they’re just going to take anything valuable and leave the rest for whoever buys the house to sort through. Is that normal in Hungary or are they jerks?

Mark’s focus in the house is finding the painting called The Whispering Man. The painting has been in the family for decades but his grandmother hid it in the attic because she thought it was cursed. Mark points out the nail in the wall where the painting used to hang, leaving me to wonder why anyone would hang a cursed painting on their wall.

After bringing the painting home, Mark begins having nightmares and strange things happen. He has dreams of an abandoned asylum, which he tells his girlfriend he doesn’t recognize. However he tells the camera he knows exactly where it is. Oh yes, because Mark has a YouTube channel called Chasing Fear in which he does videos about the paranormal.  So we’re going to see everything that happens because he’ll film it all.

The film was made in Hungary and the actors speak English. It might have been better for them to speak their first language since the acting is often stilted. However they’ll get a wider audience by using English since some people won’t watch subtitled movies.  It’s ok but there isn’t anything new here. There is nothing in the movie that resembles the weirdo on the cover.

At one point Mark’s brother Tommy walk in and says “Oh hi Mark” and all I could think of was Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.  Not sure if it was just an inside joke defending the film or a normal greeting.

Catskill Park (2018)

Tommy has an idea for a new reality show. The pitch is one man and one camera alone in the woods.  He takes his new camera and his girlfriend Monica to meet up with his friend Ex and his date Sam to go camping.  Not exactly what he’s trying to pitch but okay.

Tommy keeps his camera running at all times because he’s one of those guys.  His footage consists of Sam and Ex fighting, and all of them sitting around a campfire.  Fascinating.

In the middle of the night there is noise and they find Sam inexplicably hanging in the air. When a bright light zooms off, the two guys prove to be total tools as they run into the woods with the camera leaving both the girls behind. 

The guys meet up with a policeman and a motorist who they follow into the woods to search for the source of the light.  They want to be quiet but don’t seem to realize that means they need to shut up.  The lesson here is if you think you see a spaceship, don’t try to find it because aliens aren’t going to say hello. They’re going to murder you.

After finding the light, all hell breaks loose.  Tommy finds his way back to camp.  He tells his girlfriend he’s going to continue to film because it’s the only evidence something really happened. However the camera is pointed directly at Tommy the whole time.  So if there’s something going on in the woods, we won’t see it unless it specifically happens to Tommy.  

This movie has an arc of being annoying, then getting interesting when they find a cabin, then getting annoying again.  None of the characters are particularly endearing so you don’t care when things go wrong.

One of the things that makes them unlikable is they relate to each other so disingenuously.  When the movie started, I thought maybe Tommy had an affected speech pattern because he was at work.   Maybe he uses this superficial style of talking in the office.  But when it’s just him and his girlfriend, they’re both using the same type of voice.  It’s that fake type of talking people do when they’re relating to the camera and their potential audience rather then genuinely being themselves. I don’t care for it. Nope.

Quote of the day

Just because you get your own camera doesn’t make you a filmmaker.

Alpine Lake (2020)

A group of college friends rent a cabin for the weekend. Kat is a boxer, Monica is going to med school, Jim used to date Monica, Travis is a snob who is constantly putting everyone down, and Amanda is in an abusive relationship with Travis.  Why would anyone spend time with, let alone date, Travis? 

The group hangs out doing nothing and later that night a bloody girl ends up on their porch and soon after passes away. They assume the creepy caretaker killed her.  Their cell phones are missing, the cabin phone doesn’t work and their car won’t start.  Then the lights go out and people start making stupid decisions, such as going to look for the caretaker.  Dude, if you think a murderer is outside, lock yourself inside, arm yourself, and stick together. 

Travis is the biggest loser. He abuses his girlfriend, insults the others, and thinks the cabin is a dump (it’s gorgeous). When they want to go to the police about the dead girl, he refuses. He thinks the police won’t believe what happened and it will impact his future law degree.

Watching this is like watching someone’s home movies. It’s just a bunch of people in a cabin talking, and not about anything particularly interesting. If you were at this gathering, you would be thinking, what excuse can I come up with so I can leave. So it’s even worse because it’s a movie  where you’re looking at uninteresting people chatter.

Before I viewed this, I watched the trailer.  There isn’t one line of dialogue in it, which was really concerning a far as how bad the acting could be.  When I read reviews, they were all one star so I guess I knew what I was getting into. It’s a rough one to get through though.  The best thing about it is the cover.

There were so many questions about this actions in this movie, but the biggest one is why did the college professor have a full grown baby in a jar on her desk?  Seriously, she’s worried about hiding some red stuff in a jar, but she’s fine with a dead baby on her desk? What the heck.

Cringeworthy dialogue

Hey lady, me and my buddies are going to a cabin. Do you know where that would be?

You’re a good screw....count yourself lucky that I even talk to you. - Travis to his girlfriend

She keeps a full grown baby in a jar on her desk, but
doesn’t want anyone to see what’s in the little jar

Halloween Night (2009)

College janitor Creepy Harold makes a scarecrow in his yard and is then jumped by middle aged bullies.  The bullies call him a loser, which is ironic since middle aged men beating someone up for being weird is the epitome of being a loser.  

The bullies decide to throw a Halloween costume party and invite sorority girls.  One guys says they can have the party at his house because his parents aren’t home. These guys are way too old to be partying with college students or living with their parents.  In fact based on the birth year on the license one of the bullies dropped when he beat up Harold,  the guy is 52 years old. Jesus! Stop beating people up, stop hanging out with college girls, and move out of your parents homes!

The description for the movie said a mistreated student gets revenge at a college party. But the person mistreated is Harold, who is  invited to the party by one of the college girls. What is it with people inviting someone to another persons party? 

Harold rebuilds his scarecrow, brings it to life and invites his straw friend to accompany him to the party.  The college girls exclaim that the party is in full swing when they see the house... .the house that looks like your grandmother decorated it for Halloween. The house where there is no sign that there is a party inside.  The house that is so quiet your could sit on the front porch and read.

There isn’t one likable male character in this film. You’ve got Harold, who’s a damaged individual and then you’ve got the bullies who peaked in high school, if they ever peaked at all. If they were college age, you’d think they were just emotionally immature and maybe they’ll grow up once they get into the real world.  But these guys are way too old to be doing this crap. And while Harold is creepy, so are the bullies, especially when interacting with women. And what is wrong with Trixie that she dated the 52 year old? Yikes!

This is a Polonia Brothers film. If you’ve seen one of their films, you know what you’re getting. If you haven’t seen one of their films, expect something that looks like it was shot by your Uncle, with an equivalent level of acting.  It’s a super low budget movie with amateur effects and is difficult to watch.  You have to give them credit because they are prolific independent movie makers. That pretty much sums up the Polonia films - A for effort and D for execution. Yet I’m kind of fascinated by the movies, even though they are horrible

The guy whose parents will kill him if they find
out he had a party while they were away.

Rise of the Scarecrow (2017)

Officer Brown is the new deputy in town. He used to work in the big city.  We know this because it comes up in almost every scene.  It’s not clear why the sheriff needed a deputy.  The police station is so small that Brown has a desk in the sheriffs office. And while there seems to be an abnormally high death rate in town, the sheriff writes them all off as accidents. 

In a soon to be intersecting story line, three friends go on a road trip to cheer up one whose wife has left him. Loser Carlos says they’re going to have a good time, while simultaneously insulting his friends car, wife and anything else that gets in his eyesight.  Carlos is so endearing that when they stop by a farm stand, he makes fun of the farmers stutter, destroys his stand, steals product, and then goes back to pelt the guy with the produce he stole from him. Good times.

When their car breaks down in the small town, the sheriff advises them to camp in the woods since there are no mechanics open on Sundays. So the three friends tromp into the middle of the woods with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  As they’re thinking this spot on the ground looks good, a stranger pops out from behind a tree and tells them to leave because there are killer scarecrows that stalk the land. Granted it’s not something you’d believe, but one of the guys has already seen a scarecrow and that’s pretty weird.

Legend has it eight years ago some construction workers disappeared  The rumor is the sheriff murdered them and buried them in the woods. Now they rise as scarecrows and walk the land killing tourists. I have no idea why they would want to do that, but okay. Also no one shall ask why construction workers would come back as scarecrows.

Can Brown figure out what’s really going on? Will the remaining two guys ever get their car fixed so they can leave town? And is it wrong that I wholeheartedly hope Carlos gets murdered by a scarecrow or his friends punch him in the throat and leave him by the side of the road? 

This is very low budget filmmaking. It’s like your friends got a camera, made a movie and your friends can’t act.  It appears the on camera mic was used since when characters are far away, you can’t hear them talking.  In multiple scenes in the police department, scripts are seen on the desks.  And continuity is thrown out the window when Brown resigns and leaves his badge on the Sheriffs desk.  Then in the next scene, his badge is back on his shirt.

And if you like movies that hate women, multiple characters abuse their girlfriends and the song over the credits is incredibly misogynistic. Yeah, we get it. She did you wrong and broke your heart.  But there’s a difference between heartbreak and misogyny. You can write a scathing song about your ex without being sexist.

So many questions. Why do the construction workers come back as scarecrows?  Why did the sheriff hire Brown when the only crime that seems to occur in town is the one the sheriff is involved in? How does the Sheriff control the scarecrows? When the guys were told it would take a week to get someone to look at their car, why didn’t they call a friend to come pick them up? How is the domestic abusers wife still alive when he goes into the woods? It looked like he murdered her in an earlier scene. Why are the scarecrows overweight? Were the two people dancing in the background at the camp ground supposed to be in the film or did the director not notice they were there while filming? And most importantly, why would anyone ever be friends with Carlos?

Ridiculous dialogue:

I think I just saw a scarecrow but it walked away. It’s a dude dressed as a scarecrow. Why would someone dress that way? 

There’s a force here and it’s killing anyone who’s stupid enough to be here after dark.

The construction workers came back as scarecrows.

There are bitches everywhere. It’s Massachusetts.

Sorry about that. You know women, Can’t kill em, haha.

If your friend is dead, he’ll be dead when I’m finished reading my paper too.

Office Brown: Right now we have the element of surprise. The sheriff is not expecting us.

Sheriff (when they arrive) “Officer Brown, I’ve been expecting you.”

Afflicted (2013)

 

Derek and Cliff head out on a one year trip around the world. Derek has a potentially life threatening illness so his family is concerned he won’t be able to get medical attention if he should need it.  But he’s tired of playing it safe and wants to enjoy his life, especially since it may not be that long.

The two friends post about their exploits so everyone at home can keep up with their travels.  When they get to Paris, they go to a gig to see their friends play and Derek meets a girl he brings back to their hotel.  

The band and Cliff confirm their tool status when they decide to burst into the room to interrupt Derek with the girl. But instead of finding him in the middle of a dalliance, they find him alone, unconscious and bleeding.  

Once he wakes, Derek refuses to get medical treatment due to his condition. He fears if something is wrong, the hospital won’t let him leave to continue the trip around the world. However from this point on, the trip does not go well. Derek feels ill, and can’t eat or drink anything without vomiting. He starts experiencing other physical affects and they are convinced the woman in Paris is the key to solving his problems.

I was hesitant to watch this since found footage movies tend to be the genre used by idiots who decide owning a camera means they can make a movie. This was a decent film that kept my attention, even though at times I was annoyed at the characters for being stupid. 

Killer Camera Monsters (2020)

 

After Adam’s girlfriend breaks up with him and takes the equipment and clients from their business, Adam looks for a camera so he can try to get some work.  He gets a bargain from a guy in a parking lot selling stuff out of his trunk.  The guy says the one rule for using this camera is always shoot with natural light. Never use artificial light because bad things will happen.

Adam doesn’t take him seriously and his first shoot is his new assistant using studio lighting. Later that night when Adam loads the photos onto his computer, the woman turns into a monster, kills her boyfriend, his roommate and dies as a result of the fight. The woman’s roommate hires a creepy detective to look into who did it after the worst police department in the world give up on the case one day into the investigation. 

Adam does another studio shoot and thinks its a coincidence that two people he’s shot have died. But he realizes it’s something more when during a photo shoot at someone’s home, the man turns into a monster and tries to kill him.  

When he figures out what is going on, he’s upset. But then he realizes this could be a good way to get back at his girlfriend and is excited to own the cursed camera.  

While it’s not great, it did keep my attention enough to watch the whole thing. The monsters are basically the same person with white makeup on their face and that’s that.  They’re not very scary. If you opened the door and your friend was standing there looking like that, you’d simply invite them in. You’d never think, oh my god my friend has turned into a monster!

Ridiculous dialogue

If you need someone to look into it further, I would suggest hiring a private detective. - police in response to roommate asking what they’ll do to solve the murder

My friend was killed and the police say they can’t do anything about it.

Bride of the Scarecrow (2018)

Apparently Wales has a killer scarecrow problem. First Curse of the Scarecrow, and now this? Whatever you do, do not steal in Wales because an angry mob will leave you strung up like a scarecrow and murder you.

Once again we have a story where a man was murdered by a mob for stealing. The twist is his bride was also murdered.  The man now walks the land every twenty years looking like a raggedy scarecrow and searching for his bride to be.  The scarecrow has 48 hours to find his bride and murders anyone else he meets.

Radio host May has ratings so poor her show’s being moved to the 2am time slot.  Shortly after hearing this, she gets news that she's inherited a farm. May is adopted and never knew her real father. She knows nothing about the family, which is unfortunate because the farm has a curse on it. A scarecrow curse.

May immediately quits her job because they don’t respect her talent (such as it is) and she wants to stick it to the man. She’s dreaming of the money she can make by selling the farm and also thinking maybe it would be nice to live there.  She seems to have overlooked that farms cost money to maintain and she no longer has any income. Even if she did sell the farm, it could take awhile especially with the killer scarecrow issue. 

May heads to the farm with her boyfriend and two friends.  When they arrive, May’s told that her grandmother disappeared a year ago and the house has been empty since then.  Yet the house is in order, and the barn is clean and full of animals.  Who’s been caring for them or paying for their upkeep?  

The group starts looking around and exploring the farm. At one point her boyfriend asks May, “what do you want me to do with the boxes?”  Mary replies to unpack the in the kitchen.  What boxes? They didn’t bring anything with them. Why are there boxes? What is going on?  

The first one has scarecrow clippings about the killings. This raises questions about the beginning of the movie where the family living there says they have protected the land and kept the secret. Yet based on this box of clippings, the scarecrow doen’t seem to be a secret at all.

As expected the first night there, the scarecrow shows up and begins attacking people.  May turns out to look just like his murdered bride, which complicates things and results in her boyfriend yelling, “I’m the only one taking this bitch down the aisle.”  Classy indeed. Definitely don’t marry that guy.

The movie prompts two questions. First, if the scarecrow comes back every twenty years, then why does he appear when May and her friends are at the farm? The farm has only been vacant a year which means he appeared the year before. So she should be safe for the next 19 years.

Second , if the only time there is an issue is a 48 hour period every twenty years, is that really a problem?  Couldn’t you just go stay somewhere else for two days? The family who lived there prior to May said as long as they stayed in the house they would be safe, which is another really simple option.

And why don’t the cell phones work, but WiFi does? If they have WiFi, they can use their cells.

Ridiculous dialogue

Realtor - She was your grandmother. Her, her daughter and granddaughter vanished from this property.

May - What do you mean vanished?

Realtor - It’s like they picked up, packed up and vanished never to be seen again. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

Continuity? We Don't Need no Stinking Continuity!

The case of the moving corpse
Death Curse of Tartu (1966)

The mystery of the corpse with the moving eyeballs
Zombie Undead (2010)

The riddle of the perm that grew out in a week
Star Slammer (1986)

The case of the hair that grew in minutes

Mr. Halloween (2006)

The puzzle of the changing hairstyle
Predator Island (2005)

The conundrum of the shorter haircut 
The Varrow Mission (1978)

The mystery of the blind man who was able to point at what he was talking about
Terror House (1998)