Kick of Death (1997)

This mishmash of cliches has kickboxer Shane McQuade entering a tournament in Hong Kong.  His opponent is so confident that he fights while chomping a cigar and wearing sunglasses. The fight is rigged, but Shane decides he’s not going to take a dive because they insulted his manager. So a bunch of bad people lose a lot of money. 

Shane’s manager Paulie is a drunk with a huge mullet.  He tells Shane he made a mistake, but Shane thinks no one will come after him since he’s now their champion fighter. 

When the thugs seek revenge, Paulie is mortally wounded and Shane is literally stabbed in the back. He runs off none the worse for wear and decides he needs to get out of Hong Kong now. Shane lacks basic geographical knowledge of the US since since he isn’t sure if Los Angeles is near Las Vegas.

When Shane hitches a ride, he is picked up by a man who eventually says he recognizes him due to the prior murders.  Oh you didn’t know Shane had previously killed people? Then the guy pulls over and asks Shane to get something out of his trunk. It turns out to be a body, which he instructs Shane to carry into the desert and dig a hole for himself and the body.  The man surely regrets this plan as Shane starts beating him to death with his own shovel. 

Surprisingly the Hong Kong martial arts scene is front page news in Los Angeles.  Trying to keep a low profile, he starts calling himself Vinnie and heads to Vegas where he meets up with Jason, a friend he hasn’t seen in years who is married to his ex.  Shane gets a job as a bouncer and starts sleeping with one of the dancers.  But his past catches up to him and there is kickboxing and shoot outs. Hurrah.

This movie is sometime amusing and other times boring.  The soundtrack can best be described as interesting and often not applicable to what is happening on screen.  The fight scenes are slow moving, both literally and figuratively.  Some of the kicks or punches are two feet above their heads.  IMDB says the budget was $15,000 and was made in thirteen days.  

Oh Storm, how do we tell you the fights are lame

Nothing like wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar in a fight

King of mullets

Our hero who has murdered people

The shootout in the Astro van

Boom mic alert

Kickboxer from Hell (1990)

Aka Zodiac America 3: Kickboxer From Hell

This is one of Godfrey Ho’s mashups where he takes new footage with Caucasian actors and edits it into an Asian movie, dubbing in new dialogue. Usually it’s footage from an incomplete film, but this is from a Asian movie called The Obsessed.

While Sean is practicing martial arts, a nun asks for protection from several men in face paint wearing burlap sacks. Sean beats up their leader and when the others run in to help, the downed man says they should leave Sean for Lucifer.

Meanwhile Robert Ho has gotten married, but when the wedding pictures are shown, there is a floating head in all of them.  Ho says they must have used the wrong setting when they developed them. Because you know how often those disembodied heads show up in your photos when you print them incorrectly. The oddest part of this exchange is he doesn’t seem phased at all that it’s the head of his dead wife.

Ho’s new maid runs into a woman in the middle of the night who says she’s a guest. But the next day when she sets a third place at the table,  the Ho’s tell her they have no guests in the house.  Each night the sightings of the woman get stranger, so the maid abruptly quits.

In our other story, we meet Lucifer, an ugly clown resembling if the Joker did Cabaret. It must be hot on the set because his make up is a little smeary.  You’ll wonder where the overlap is in these two stories. It’s the tenuous mention of the nun’s sister being the second wife of Mr. Ho. 

At this point I got distracted and had no idea what was going on. Either I missed something crucial or it made even less sense.  Mrs. Ho is outside in the woods in a slip. There is a kid, a ghost girl, and here’s Mr. Ho in a hotel with a woman. And it looks like Mr. Ho murdered his first wife so maybe that’s why she’s haunting his house. She died last year so he’s remarried quickly. His dead wife ends up with two inch fangs and growling like a freaky gorilla cat hybrid.

So we know Ho is a bad man, but who died in the high rise after he was tossed into the ocean by the ghost of his first wife?  Why does Lucifer keep his life force in cheap plastic skulls? And why is anyone intimidated by his silly grease paint clown face since he doesn’t seem to exhibit any supernatural powers?  

Listen for the Halloween score being used in one scene.

Ridiculous dialogue

You know Peter, I love your sister even more than I love myself.

Okay, tell me where the lunatics are.

No. Stop. Wait. Leave him for Lucifer.

Last time you refused to tell me how to conquer Lucifer but this time you must!

Fuck you, you lousy liar!

You two fight each other to the death. Then the winner will continue to be my servant.

Face paint and burlap sacks? Must be Lucifer’s minions

The floating head of his dead wife in his wedding
photo that Mr. Ho dismissed as a developing error

So Lucifer wears a cape and has a cross in his hideout?

If she’s got two inch fangs, she’s not a guest

Oh Lucifer, you crazy unalarming clown

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

After some marines disappear, Army Rangers Joe and Curtis arrive as replacements. The marines are not impressed. But Joe and Curtis are no ordinary rangers. They’ve got a particular set of skills that come in handy, which are critical thinking and ninjitsu.

The island they’re on has a huge problem with ninja attacks, yet no one seems to notice or know of the ninjas.  They’re in the hotel, in the bar, in alleys, and hanging off cars. Yet when Joe and Curtis talk of being attacked by ninjas, the marines are skeptical and the local police scoff at them.

It turns out the local villain who owns Blackbeard Island is known as the Lion. He’s kidnapped a scientist trying to cure cancer and forced him to make a serum that turns people into murderous super ninjas.  And where do they get the people to experiment on? Well they kidnap marines naturally because they’re theoretically already in good shape. They’re certainly not going to take the chubby thugs outside the bar with dirt all over their clothing and faces.

Joe and Curtis rescue the scientists daughter after she’s dragged out of a party at the governors mansion. How dare she accuse the Lion of impropriety.  Meanwhile the head ninja kills all the super ninjas in a demonstration to potential investors which makes you wonder how that’s supposed to sell the super ninja project.

Oh Golan Globus, you’ve given us another silly ninja movie complete with a ninja on a string.  Plus a hilarious continuity oversight where the corrupt police chief puts his hat on as he walks towards the door.  Cut to another angle of him almost at the door where he puts his hat on again.

Ridiculous dialogue

Ninja? What the hell are ninja?

You look as much like a marine as a bridesmaid.

Tommy: He’s doing research.

Joe: what kind of research?

Tommy: I don’t now. They don’t tell me. It’s biological stuff.

The Instructor (1983)

After opening scenes of a gang of thugs fighting near railroad tracks, we cut to the Instructor and Thumper jogging. Interspersed with the jogging are scenes of a ninja sneaking up on some little kids. Why is there a ninja in the suburbs? Are the kids in danger?  Don’t worry. It’s only a ninja wannabe and he’s quickly dispatched by the kids who know karate thanks to the Instructor and Thumper.

About 30 minutes in a rival karate school and instructor are introduced. Hart is the opposite of the Instructor and is a bully. Hart’s men break into the Instructor’s school after it closes but don’t realize his love interest is still inside.  She makes short work of the intruders and calls the police.

At the local karate tournament, the fake ninja steals Thumpers trophy and pummels him with it  Since Thumper’s wife is about to give birth to his first child, it’s an obvious consequence.  Thank god it wasn’t his last day on the job or he’d be dead.

Our benevolent Instructor loses it. Thus begins his quest to make Hart pay, being unaware that Thumper had verbally parried Hart and the perpetrator is the mentally disturbed ninja. Though to be far, Hart had it coming since he’s a bully and he did kill the Instructors wife.

This movie is everything you want from a 1980s independent martial arts movie.   

Ridiculous dialogue

From now on, we do our ass kicking on other people.

I don’t see no anchor tied to your ass, baby.

No one touches my hair.

Thumper: I want to become one hell of a karate instructor

Instructor: When did you decide this?

Thumper: Right after your wife was murdered.

Who the hell is this? And who do you think you are anyway?

Oh she’s pretty. I bet she’d love me if I was a black belt and won a trophy. If  she wouldn’t, I’d punch her right in the face.

I’ll get you. I’ll mangle you, you turd.

Thumper: Excuse me Hart. I don’t have to prove things to you or anybody else.

Hart: Why’s that?

My favorite VHS label

The doughy middle aged ninja

These kids are barely inconvenienced by the ninja

Crop top alert

The Instructor is not intimidated

Silly looking but brilliant defense against throwing stars? 
Put your shoes on your hands

The Instructor is not to be messed with

Action mustache and hair

Nooooooooooo!

What’s after a car chase? A motorcycle chase

Riding through water at the dam

Fighting below the dam

Lethal Ninja (1991)

Aka For Hire

JD McKay is a ninja for hire.  He has a business card and answers his phone, “For Hire.” He also teaches martial arts to Will, the mayor’s son.  It’s not clear how they know each other or why JD is teaching him. He’s definitely not getting paid since Will’s parents have no idea Will has a sensei.

The police chief is mad at the Mayor because he wants more money for the police force. So he decides to pull the police out of Chinatown and let the mayor figure out how to clean it up. JD knows there’s s trouble and keeps leaving his business card around. It’s on the back seat of the Mayors limo, on the tray at a party, and dropped off in an envelope while the Mayor is at the police chiefs office.

Since the police have deserted him, the Mayor calls JD to clean up Chinatown.  JD says he’ll do it for a million dollars.  When the Mayor balks, JD says he can do it piecemeal and the city can pay in installments. The Mayor agrees and JD heads to Chinatown that night, with Will slinking around behind him to help.  

It turns out most of the gang in Chinatown is under the leadership of Sonny, JD’s childhood friend and fellow martial arts enthusiast. Along the way, the Mayors daughter is kidnapped, Zeke is trying to take over Sonny’s action, there’s drug smuggling in the gangs, and the police are just as crooked as the bad guys. Thank god for the Lethal Ninja.

This most confusing thing about this movie is the time line.  The Mayor has a Sweet 16 party for his daughter. JD disguises himself as a waiter and Will stops him on the stairs to talk.  Then we cut to violence in Chinatown, the Mayor meeting with the chief of police, JD and Will practicing in his dojo, and then we’re back to JD and Will still talking on the stair. What the hell? So that was all a flashback? Could they give us a warning that it’s the past? And if that’s the case, then why did the Mayor invite the antagonistic police chief and his cronies to his daughters Sweet 16?

This movie has a lot of scenes with boom mics in the top of the screen. It also has slow paced fight scenes which are fairly similar to what you might see teenagers do if they’re pretending to do karate.

So many questions:

1. How did the Mayor’s security not notice JD when he parked in their driveway?
2. How good is JD as a ninja if a twelve year old can trail him?
3. Why would a ninja drive his own car to Chinatown to do a job?
4. Would JD have been blown up if the Mayor’s security hadn’t been searching Chinatown for Will and told JD there was a bomb in his car?
5. Why would a ninja have a business card with a phone number?
6. How did JD become a waiter at the Sweet 16 party and is that the extent of his disguise skills? 
7. What sort of ninja chops someone’s neck, grabs their car keys and steals their car?
8. Why are there two police officers - one of them a rookie - still in Chinatown if the chief pulled all the police out of there?
9. How did no one but Will notice the man in drag at the funeral?
10. Why were rappers performing at a small party in a warehouse?
11. Why do the rappers keep performing while people get beaten right in front of them? It doesn’t phase them a bit.
12. Why is the gang beating up members of their own gang?

Ridiculous dialogue

Chinatown’s about ready to crack open like a rotten egg.

Now they are our closest and dearest, and they’re all the more dear because they’re adopted and they know it.

For hire… yeah I’m serious.

You never played by the rules and you’re right not to play by them now.

What you do is what you are and what you need is action.

You won’t like this but there’s only one ninja and maybe a kid, a little kid.

What are the odds there are two actors with the
same first and last names in a film?

In the back are the rappers who continue to perform 
while people directly in front of them are beaten.

The Chinatown gang

JD is serious about getting the Mayor to hire him

Continuity - the Mayor’s daughter in the black top and gold ruffled
skirt listens to her dad give a speech from the balcony

Cut back to the balcony and she is on the right

The awkward bow

Their heads are an inch from the ceiling

Why Gizmo, why?

Fighting over and around the kidnap victim

The man in drag

Low rent greaser Ringo Starr

Boom mic alert

Enforcer From Death Row (1976)

aka Ninja Assassins

The World Organization for Peace (WOP for short) receives a letter requesting 45 million dollars or a terrorist named Nomad will destroy Manilla.   WOP decides to hire T.L. Young, the most lethal man alive who is due to be executed for a murder he didn't commit.   I can't help but think maybe T.L. should be executed for all the murders he did commit.

After a convoluted plan which involves acid, smoke pellets, and paying people off, T.L. is carted out of the gas chamber, revived in a secret location, and goes to meet with the head of WOP.  When they offer him the job, T.L. says "How much money? And who do I kill?"   After informing him the hit is $100,000, they hand him a plane ticket, some money for incidentals, and send him on his way with the words, "have fun and stay sober." A more confusing send off has never been uttered to an assassin.

T.L. goes to Manilla under a new name but isn't low key enough not to be noticed by the villains, who are hip to the fact that WOP is sending agents to watch them.  But T.L. is not to be cowed by anyone, even when they send ninjas after him. For reasons unknown, this group has a ninja training academy with a creepy trainer. The shiraken training consists of three steps and makes me wonder how any of the ninjas are competent.  T.L. can beat them senseless. However there was a ceiling ninja in someone else's room, and lord knows how he concealed himself. 

This movie is alternately tedious and hilarious.  There is horribly stilted acting,  flubbed lines, crazy polyester shirts, leisure suits, bad haircuts, labels on every dangerous liquid, car chases, questionable dialogue, and ninjas in a small boat in the daylight which is as far from an invisible assassin as they can be.

There are several problems with continuity when T.L.'s mustache returns unexpectedly or when he drives a car that previously blew up. I've seen this film several times and it never ceases to amuse me. The premise of the World Organization for Peace hiring an assassin is hilarious.

Ridiculous dialogue:

If I seem over confident... it's because I am.

Now here's the plan. This special package contains a smoke device. Substitute it for the cyanide pellet. And in this jar contains liquid which will neutralize the acid.

Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry sir. But uh it's against our hotel policy to let anyone into our guests rooms.

T.L.Young: Oh it's okay. Jose told me to tell you to let me in.

Maybe the World Organization for Peace shouldn't 
use a slur for their acronym.

Is that a picture of a hobo clown on the wall? 

I didn't realize the gas chamber dispensed gas this way.

Leisure suit, complete with polyester shirt 
with wide lapels and huge cuffs.

An even more amazing polyester shirt.

Just when you thought leisure suits couldn't 
get worse, you find out they come in plaid.

The clearly labeled acid vat.

T.L's. car is a speck in this shot, but he still drove 
directly into the Molotov cocktail and barrels they
left in the road. He essentially blew up his own car.

Clean shaven T.L. chases the ninjas. But what's this...

a mustache makes an entrance after his car explodes.

A paper backdrop for the news broadcast,
note the seam near the bottom left