Sunday, September 27, 2015

GPS: The Movie (2007)

Bob and Andrew enjoy geocaching challenges and are a team that compete against others.  This involves using GPS coordinates to race to the location of the cache and be the first to locate whatever is inside.  Not sure what the end result of winning will be, but these two are willing to risk serious injury and even death. They race down narrow, winding wooded roads at a high rate of speed,  pass on a double yellow line, and do what they need to in an attempt to outmaneuver their competitors in the  other car.

Their most recent challenge is from a college friend who recently disappeared, after being charged with the theft of two million dollars.  Bob and Andrew hope that the cache they are seeking contains part of the money.  This doesn't make much sense since if their friend has that much money, he could use that to disappear. Also they don't even consider if they knowingly accept stolen money, they could later face legal ramifications.

They decide to accept the GPS treasure hunt challenge since they are already heading to the area to go camping with some friends.  They plan to keep the mission a secret from the group until they need to fill them in.

After trekking into the woods with their friends, they locate a small coffin that contains Polaroids of a kidnap victim with the words don't let me die written on them.  The group disagrees as to how this should be handled.  Some want to go back to the car, but Bob and Andrew convince the others to continue by appealing to their greed.  They lie and tell them there is the potential of a $50,000 payout as part of the geocache. This goes over better than what becomes the secondary task which is rescuing the kidnap victim.

These kids are freaking crazy.  There is no way you should head towards the coordinates where there is someone who may be a killer, but at the very least is someone willing to kidnap and torture another person.  It's just not going to end well, and you're far more likely to survive if you call the police.  But players gotta play and they're off.   This is a low budget movie with characters that are mostly annoying.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Roboshark (2015)

An alien sphere of indeterminate intent falls into the ocean, and is eaten by a shark who within  seconds is transformed into Roboshark, a CGI creature that is familiar with social media.

Meanwhile wacky weather girl Trish is getting ready for work. She wants to be a serious reporter, but always gets the lame third rate assignments.  So when she and her camera crew discover the army setting up a command post in a fenced off area, she knows something big is going on.  No one shall ask why a top secret military command post is being set up in a field across from a popular coffee shop, or why the women and children in the background weren't cleared from the area.

Trish's husband Rick works for the city monitoring the local water supply.  Alarms are going off in multiple sectors and nothing makes sense on their map. Then the military shows up and cuts off all communication with the outside world.  Rick worries about his wife and daughter Melody, who should be at school but decided to join mom Trish after seeing a news broadcast by the stations star reporter.

Since Melody doesn't like this nasty reporter stealing her mom's thunder, and no one believes her mom's story about a shark attack in the coffee shop, Melody starts posting video of Roboshark and insisting he's just misunderstood.  It's not clear how Melody plans to explain this theory to the families of the innocent people Roboshark has murdered.

And make no mistake, Roboshark is quite the killer.  He bursts out of faucets, cuts through tile floors  like they're water, and does laps in the high school pool.  The military are desperate to stop him. So they hire the one person they believe is up for the task, Bill Glates... yeah you heard me, Glates with an L.

This is one ridiculous movie.  In some ways, it's hilarious, but overall it's average and not very engaging.  It's your typical Syfy channel movie. It has a fantastic title and idea, but mediocre execution.  This one contains a classic exchange between Rick and Melody where she tells him that Roboshark is following her.  As any father would, he urges her to get away from the killer shark, but Melody corrects the misperception by noting that she's not in danger. Roboshark is following her on Twitter.  ARGH!!   That's right. Roboshark has a twitter account.

Be prepared to watch bad CGI and see Rick chew more scenery than Roboshark.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Daughter of Darkness (1990)

After her mother dies, Kathy goes to Romania to find her father. Kathy is an only child and has no other living relatives. So she's willing to overlook that fact that her parents never married, and her father deserted her mother prior to Kathys birth.

Arriving in Romania, she pays a visit to the US Embassy.  All she has is a twenty year old photo of her parents, her fathers name and an old address. Devlin, who works at the embassy,  agrees to make some inquiries regarding her father.

He also warns her to be careful wandering the streets and doing her own research.  Romania is a police state. It's very dangerous to be wandering the streets when not familiar with local laws and customs, or the bad areas of town.  Kathy promises to be careful and immediately goes traipsing off down a dark alley when she spies an area that looks like something she's seen in her dreams.

She locates the address where her father used to work and asks the man inside for help. He looks exactly like the man in the photograph of her parents. Surprisingly, Kathy doesn't notice. She hands him the photo of her father and asks for information.

After an awkward pause, she is told the man in the photo used to work there, but died years ago after being hit by a car.  Despondent about her fathers death, Kathy crashes a fancy party at the Embassy so she can talk to Devlin.  I'm not sure that Kathy understands what Embassy's do.

Since she doesn't know anyone else in town, Kathy tells Devlin about finding out her father is dead, and how she's been having dreams about places in Romania that she's never been, but is now stumbling upon. Another awkward silence ensues, as Devlin tells her he's not a psychiatrist and that he can't counsel her on her crazy dreams or dead father.

Kathy ends up at a bar where she previously ran into the handsome Gregorio, who is willing to take on her counseling, which is unfortunate since he's a lounge singer and a vampire.  Kathy has no idea what she's infer, and neither does the viewer since we're stuck on this journey with dopey Kathy making bad decisions and for all her deja vu, can't even recognize her own father who looks exactly like he does in her photo.  Yes, it's a number of years later and he should look older. But he could be dying his hair or be especially well preserved.  Of course, he's actually a vampire, but that would be a ridiculous thing to consider... except she's in Romania and his family castle is in Transylvania.

This TV movie stars Mia Sara. The name sounded familiar but I couldn't place it.  But as soon as I saw her, I recognized her as Ferris Buellers girlfriend.  The film also stars Anthony Perkins as her vampire father.  IMDB lists this as a TV movie, and while the script has the pacing and tame scares of a TV movie, there is some nudity in it.

It's fairly typical TV vampire movie where our unsuspecting heroine never suspects that anything strange is going on, and is completely naive that it's not a good idea to trust a handsome stranger that you met in a bar in a foreign country that's in the midst of political oppression.  The most interesting thing about this movie is when a vampire feeds on a young woman, a small circle opens up in the tip of his tongue which seems to have lots of little teeth. So that's a unique way to feed.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Hansel and Gretel (2015)

In the Asylum sequel to a movie I didn't see, Gretel owns a quaint bakery and Hansel travels the world in a van and kills witches.

After a long absence, Hansel returns to reconnect with Gretel.  When one of their friends is kidnapped, they team up to rescue him, but along the way, there is a disturbing trail of body parts.  To complicate matters, the witches cast a spell on Gretel and plan to terminate Hansel with Gretels help.  It's Hansel vs. Gretel in the ultimate.... yeah, it's not the ultimate of anything.  It's the type of movie that is okay to have on while you're doing something else.