Curse of the Scarecrow (2018)

In the 1800s, townsfolk accused a man of stealing, and then tied him to a scarecrow post in a field where he was pecked to death by crows.  Every twenty years, he comes back to seek revenge and mistakes anyone he sees for one of his killers.

Carl and June’s parent were killed by the scarecrow twenty years ago. Carl goes to the farm to make the scarecrow pay, turns his back on a scarecrow and is immediately murdered. Good god man, why would you ever turn your back on a scarecrow when one murdered your parents?

After June gets the news of her brothers death, she heads out to the farm with her best friend. Along for the trip is her psychiatrist who seems to have crossed the line of professionalism and is far too friendly with her.  She helps her pack things in the house and does some shoddy hypnotism on her. The whole thing is odd.

June is uncomfortable with being on the farm since it’s where her  parents were murdered and her brother was recently found dead there. She doesn’t like the scarecrow on the property and there is that pesky legend about scarecrows killing people on the farm.  But her friend and her psychiatrist are not concerned. At least not until they try to cure June by unmasking the scarecrow on the post and find a dead girl.

At this point the characters make a plethora of terrible decisions. Over and over again, they do the worst thing they could possibly do in the situation at hand.When they find the dead girl, they stand there and scream until a scarecrow attacks them.  When they run to the car, they just sit there talking for awhile before driving off.

Instead of getting help, they drive back to the farm. Then they stand outside the back door looking into the dark to see if the scarecrow has caught up with them.  The psychiatrist volunteers to get help. When they say they’ll go with her, she says “stay here where you’re safe.”  Why would you ever think they’re safe? They’re on a farm with a scarecrow that kills people!

The scene with the psychiatrist going to the car is ridiculous. Instead of running to the car with key ready to unlock the door and jump in, she slowly sneaks along the wall and then sneaks over to a group of bushes.  This is the least safe option when trying to avoid a killer.  Then she slowly creeps along the edge of the car and fumbles with her keys.  But the car won’t start. Coincidence or does the scarecrow from the 1800s know how to disable an engine?  Then our incompetent psychiatrist falls out of the car and is unable to get up until the last second when she runs off into the woods. God forbid, she runs to the safety of the house.

With the psychiatrist in danger, the other two inexplicably feel bad for letting her run off on her own. Junes friend decides the best thing to do is go to the barn and grab a gun...the gun that is next to a scarecrow. Things work out about as well as you’d expect. Another person who turns their back on a scarecrow while knowing there is a murderous scarecrow in the vacinity. 

June ends up in the barn as well, where she puts on a flannel shirt, stuffs a little hay in it and holds out her arms, effectively disguising herself as a scarecrow. And when I say effectively, I mean not at all. She looks nothing like a scarecrow. Yet it somehow fools our killer scarecrow who starts trying to figure out what’s going on as he paws her.  June keeps saying, “I’m just like you.”  Really? In what way?  It’s absurd.  

So many questions left unanswered.

1. Why did the crows attack the man on the scarecrow post? A scarecrow is literally put up to scare crows. 
2. Why does everyone who believes there is a killer scarecrow turn their back on a scarecrow?
3. How much is the psychiatrist charging June for this 24 hour a day, multi-day coverage?
4. Even before they believed there was a killer scarecrow, there is a history of murders on the property every twenty years for a 48 hour period. Why would you ever go to the farm during that time period?
5. How can June be there within the 48 hour scarecrow murder time when the scarecrow already killed her brother?
6. Why do they think a gun will be an effective weapon against a dead scarecrow?
7. Why is there a scarecrow in the yard near the house where there is no crops?
8. When June goes to look at the scarecrow, she goes into the corn field. Are there two scarecrows? The other one wasn’t in a corn field.
9. How does June think she is just like the scarecrow?  She wasn’t murdered, pecked to death by crows, or have a burlap sack over her head.

The worst scarecrow ever. He’s standing on a box. He’s not in a field.
He’s only a foot off the ground and appears to be facing a fence.

Death of a Vlogger (2019)

 

Graham is a vlogger who posts prank videos and tries to capitalize on the latest trends hoping to get more hits. When he has eye surgery, he ends up with bandages over both eyes and while live streaming his recovery, things move in his apartment and an apparition is seen.  

The video goes viral and other people become invested in it.  Graham and his friend Erin team up with ghost hunter Steve to do a seance in the apartment. When more activity is seen, people get excited that there is proof of the supernatural. Others appeal to Graham asking for help to contact their recently deceased loved ones.

It is the grief stricken commenters hoping to reunite with loved ones  that brings Alice into the story. She is a paranormal debunker and believes that Grahams footage is fake.  She warns meets with Graham and Steve and warns an internet shaming will be coming to him if he faked the video and it won’t be pretty.  

The difference between this and most found footage films is it’s  presented as a documentary.  Along with the found footage shot by Graham, there are interview segments with Erin, Alice, Steve and Grahams friends.  I almost didn’t watch this movie because I didn’t like the cover. Then when the movie starts it’s one guy with a camera and immediately you think it’s going to be another crappy movie. There were a few really creepy things that happened. But I was bugged that Graham usually didn’t turn on the lights when there were strange sounds in the apartment. Just turn on the freaking lights, man!  Overall, it was ok. It kept my attention but it didn’t leave me wanting to tell other people to see it.

Zombie Spring Break (2016)

Aka Ibiza Undead

Friends Alex, Big Jim, and Az head to an island for spring break.  There is some sort of zombie pandemic going on, but the island is supposed to be zombie free.  An evil dude on a yacht has a nightclub with a zombie in a cage, and is mad at his assistant because there were 200 zombies on a ship that sank off the coast that apparently where for him. Huh? This prompts the question, can zombies swim? 

There is a subplot with Alex’s exgirlfriend coming on the trip since he bought her a ticket before their breakup and he’s hoping they can get back together. Plus his sister and her friend are also there. I have no idea why.

This is hard to watch. As soon as it starts, you know you’re in trouble. It begins with two minutes of padding, complete with a lame song and lame kids in lame bathing suits doing lame dancing on a yacht owned by a cut rate villain.  There’s a lot of filler in this movie where people are dancing or moving around, but add nothing to the story.

Big Jim is one of those guys that is so obnoxious, misogynistic, and such a terrible friend that you wonder why any of the characters would spend time with him.  He screwed up Alex’s relationship with his girlfriend, treats others poorly and doesn’t have any redeeming qualities. Good god man, why would you ever hang out with him? 

Werewolf Island (2020)

 

Aka The Legend of Dog Lady Island

If you like your werewolf movies completely void of werewolves, then this is the movie for you. It isn’t actually Werewolf Island, it’s Dog Lady Island. To make it even less scary, the dog lady is a slow moving, clown white faced ghost you can get away from by walking at a slightly faster than normal pace.

Detective Michael James receives a call from his nephew who trespassed on the island with his girlfriend and got attacked by the dog lady. Mike and his partner head to the scene of the attack but find nothing of significance.

While doing further investigation, the movie veers into story within a story territory when they visit Dan, who opens a scrapbook and tells them the history of Dog Lady Island.  We are treated to a narrative on the Native Americans who cursed the island after the French attacked them and took their land,  some mobsters in the 1920s, and 1970s bikers.

This is a really low budget amateur production based on a local legend.  It’s difficult to get through. The acting is on par with what you’d see in community theater. Based on the line reads, I assumed some of the actors either had never acted before, or were cast because they were friends of the director. Surprisingly  the actors in question actually had other credits on IMDB.  Granted they appear to be local productions, but still amazing considering they deliver their lines with inflections that humans don’t use in conversation.  It would have been more understandable if at the end of the film it was revealed they were aliens trying to pass as humans. It would make no sense within the context of the story, but you’d think ohhhhh so that’s why they were so stilted and awkward when interacting with the others.

The costumes appear to be from a Halloween store rather than clothing truly representing the period in time.  Some of the French soldiers obviously have wigs, which makes it strange that they didn’t provide wigs to all the soldiers. It’s disconcerting to see modern haircuts on 1700s French soldiers, especially when some of the other actors have wigs.  The guy who plays the main soldier also plays the head mobster. Is that why he had a wig? Were we not supposed to notice?

In some of the scenes, the dialogue is in direct conflict with what we are seeing on screen. At the beginning of the movie, Mikes nephew brings his girlfriend into what is supposed to be woods.They stop where he says, “there’s an opening in the trees.” The problem is you can see it’s a mostly  open space with only a few trees.  Also when Mike goes to investigate the attack on the island, the blanket is found right inside the gate. Yet the young couple walked far into the island and had to run away from the dog lady to get back to the gate.  

If you live in the area of Dog Lady Island, maybe you want to see what is being filmed in your neighborhood. Otherwise it probably won’t appeal to anyone other than those involved in the making of the movie.

Ridiculous Dialogue:

Dan: You have an uncanny resemblance to the man in the next story, Alex. He lived on the island in the 70s.

Mike: So what are you saying? I’m related or something?

Jared: Woah woah woah woah woah... you’re creeping me out here. Are you telling me that my partners a ghost?

Note that Dan referred to the Detective as Alex.  According to IMDB, the characters name is Michael James.  However the actors name is Michael James Alexander. 

Stilted Dialogue:

Person 1 - It is my business.

Person 2 - How is that, I might ask?

47 Hours to Live (2019)

 

After moving across the country with her family, Rose meets Cadence on her first day at school and they quickly become friends. It’s hard to know how much time has passed in this movie. I’m not use if they get close very quickly or if it’s been weeks of getting to know each other.  

One night Cadence convinces Rose to play a game she found on a horror website.  The two pass the phone back and forth as they say a line about darkness coming to get them. When the timer goes off, whoever the phone takes a photo of will be dead in 47 hours.  

After Rose starts seeing and hearing strange things, she believes she’s going to die. Cadence gets tired of Rose whining and they play again so the curse can be transferred to Cadence.  Then strange things start happening to her but she refuses to acknowledge it to Rose.

The two girls keep playing the game to pass the curse back and forth as they try to figure out how to get rid of it.  I’m not sure why they wouldn’t want to try to get the cheerleaders to play since they make Cadence’s life a living hell. Rose wouldn’t want to to it, but Cadence seems like she’d be okay with it.

This is pretty average. It’s not something you’ll get excited about, but also not one of those low budget amateur movies that are all over streaming services nowadays.  

One thing that really bugged me was Rose supposedly moved from Bangor, Maine.  They said it several times and kept pronouncing it bang-er.  It’s pronounced bang-gore.   I’m just glad they didn’t say she was from Worcester, Massachusetts because I doubt they’d have even been in the ballpark with that pronunciation. 

Bedeviled (2016)

A group of students receives a text from a recently deceased friend telling them about the Bedeviled app. After the app loads on their phone, Mr. Bedeviled starts talking to them. They aren’t that alarmed at first since Siri can do the same thing, sort of. But when the app knows everything about them, even their secrets, they panic.  

Strange things start happening to them and they discuss what they should do.  Deleting the app doesn’t work and Mr. Bedeviled is getting more aggressive.  It’s like the app is alive and using their worst fears against them. They figure out it’s a gateway for evil. They decided that they need to draw Mr. Bedeviled into the real world in order to vanquish him.

Another movie where cell phones pave the way for evil entering teenagers lives. The characters weren’t horrible, but I didn’t care about them either. I’m not excited in any way about this movie, but it’s not one of those god awful amateur movies either.  

D-Railed (2018)

Hey everybody, it’s a murder mystery train! A group of annoying people board the train and are stuffed into what appears to be the dining car where they meet the cast.  The cast seems larger than the paying customers, so I’m not sure how profitable this venture is going to be.

We’re introduced to some of the characters, including Eugene and Evelyn.  Eugene is a make up salesman who keeps insulting women and has no clue why he is off putting. As for Evelyn, perhaps she’s supposed to be heroic and a woman who doesn’t put up with any nonsense. However she comes off as aggressive and obnoxious.  There’s no one particularly likable on the train except for a young girl, who will become very annoying due to her incessant crying when trouble begins.

The host of the murder mystery barely has time to introduce himself before the murderer strikes.  People think it’s part of the play, but there’s a robbery going down and for whatever reason the robbers decided murder was on the table. When the robbery doesn’t go as expected, the conductor realizes the train isn’t going to make the curve.  Everyone runs for the back of the train base on his advise.  

After the train plunges off the tracks, the survivors find that the car is in the water. That’s good news since it helped them survive. But it’s bad news since there is something in the water that wants to kill them.  However it’s taking it’s sweet time about it since people go swimming out into the water multiple times before anything happens.

If only we cared even a bit about these people or what is going on.  Another movie with no one to root for and no real payoff. There is a funny line at the beginning where one of the passengers remarks, “it says right here this train was built in the 1900s.”  Okay that’s a 99 year stretch and may not be that impressive, depending on when you’re saying it.

Cringeworthy dialogue:

Little girl - I don’t know what I saw but something took him

Hysterical woman - What are you saying? Are you saying something took him?

Person 1 - They were unaccounted for.

Person 2 - Unaccounted?

Person 1 - Never found

Ring Ring (2019)

 

When their telemarketing firm decides to close,Will and some of his coworkers decide they’re going to steal the client list from the bosses computer and open their own business.  When they’re unable to print the list, Will takes photos of the document on the computer screen. So that’s going to be fun to read.

Will isn’t really a drinker, but while at the goodbye party after their last day, Will is convinced to drink.  He ends up inebriated and goes home with a woman he saved from being harassed by another patron.   Unfortunately the next morning, he discovers he’s lost his phone and with it, the client list.

After checking at the bar and with his friends, Will and another coworker decide to find it using a phone tracker. They hire a ride share  to take them to the location of the phone. Then they break into the house where they believe the phone is located. This isn’t going to go well, especially since the person who owns the house sees them enter the home.

The best part of this film is Will gets Scooby Doo’ed when his glasses are knocked off his face and stepped on.  The most aggravating thing was that Will’s friend could have escaped from the predicament they are in, and she blows it.  Just get out of the house!!!  

Skew (2011)

Richard, his girlfriend Ava, buddy Simon and Simon’s new video camera set out on a road trip. Simon decides to film every mundane moment of their trip.  After all, how could he possibly know when something interesting could happen? So yeah, Simon is annoying.

While they start out enjoying the adventure, by the end of the first day, they’ve hit a coyote and are sick of Simons nonstop filming.  When they wake up in the middle of the night, they find police all over the motel because the manager has been killed. Being the annoying guy with the camera, Simon films the police and the body in the office.  

The next morning they consider turning around and going home. But their friend is getting married and they’re in the wedding party, so they press onwards.  But bad luck follows them as they either witness, or are in the area of, multiple deaths in less than a day. 

Simon tells Richard and Ava he’s filmed everyone who’s died and that each person had a smudge on their face. At first he though tit was something on the lens. But now he’s thinking the camera knows the people are going to die.  Richard and Ava don’t believe him and decide this is another thing annoying about Simon. 

Simon proves to be a terrible friend for two reasons. Even though the believes he camera may be responsible for the deaths, he keeps filming Richard and Ava. Also he’s in love with Ava, which is awkward since Richard is his best friend and Simon has a girlfriend.  She was supposed to be on the trip, but bailed because of something that happened, but we aren’t told what it was.

At one point, they are stopped by the police and brought in to the station.  The convenience store they just visited is gone and they were the last ones there.  This was such an irritating scene.  First, if the building is gone, how do the police know they were the last ones there? Second, we know they weren’t the last ones there because someone pulled up as they were leaving. And third, why the hell doesn’t Simon or one of the others mention they have video of them leaving the store? Simon films everything. They have proof it was standing when they drove away, yet they never mention it.

While the film can be slow moving at times - it’s like watching someone’s home movie - and the camera work can be nauseating, overall it’s interesting and I liked it.  It’s hard to figure out what is going on and when the movie was over, I debated what had really happened. It’s not really scary, but there’s a creepiness to it since you’re not sure if the camera is killing people or predicting their deaths.  And good god Simon, just stop filming people!

Shock 'em Dead (1991)

Geeky Martin works in a pizza shop and loves to play guitar.  When he gets a call from a kid offering him an audition with a band who has a showcase the next day, Martin quits his job to go to the audition.  Sadly Martin's guitar playing is just as good as everything else in his life - which is terrible.

After being roundly humiliated by the flouncing lead singer of the Spastic Colons, Martin runs into the local crazy voodoo lady, (who walks as if she's desperately trying to get to a toilet without pooping her pants.) The woman tells him he can have everything he desires, and he says he wants to be the biggest rock star in the world.  Easy, she says, he just needs to sell his soul to Satan.  Martin seems unconcerned about this aspect, although she neglects to mention it involves a stab in the heart.

After a surreal dream in which he wears a stupid hairy mask and meets a demon playing a double neck guitar, Martin wakes up with a big hairdo in a swanky pad with three women who attend to his needs. No one shall ask why Martins chosen path to rock stardom is to audition again for the same band that dissed him and is still practicing in the basement. Perhaps Martin should have aimed higher.

Now calling himself Angel Martin, he manages to take over the band during a showcase by knocking pain in the ass, lead singer Johnny off the stage.  The audience loves it and the record executives want them on the label.  Things are looking up, except that Martin won't be happy unless he gets his bass players fiancé played by Tracy Lords, who is the least sleazy character in the film.

Another unmentioned part of his deal with the devil, is that he can't eat or drink anything because it will kill him.   He can only eat souls.  Not sure why the devil is giving up souls, but there you go. The lesson of this film is never make a deal with the devil because it's a hassle trying to figure out what to do with the dead bodies of your soulless victims.

The Monster Project (2017)

 

After leaving town and ditching his girlfriend, jerk Devon shows up  and starts making fake paranormal videos with his friend Jamal.  They’re making money from views, but Devon thinks they can make more by doing a tv show about monsters.

They put an ad online asking anyone who is a real monster to contact them.  Devon says monsters aren’t real so it’s no big deal to interview these people. However if someone actually thinks they are a monster, they could be dangerous.

Devon will be in front of the camera doing the interviews. His crew is Jamal and his ex girlfriend Murielle who puts her career goals ahead of her rage at being ghosted by Devon. There’s also Brian, a recovering drug addict fresh out of rehab, who is staying with Jamal.

They rent a creepy abandoned building where satanic rituals used to be held, and do the interviews on the night of a lunar eclipse.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  The man who unlocked the building starts yelling for his wife once he gets inside.  No one shall ask why his wife was padlocked inside an abandoned building, or why the characters weren’t concerned about this turn of events.

The monsters show up and unnerve everyone.  When they interview the skinwalker, his voice is disguised and he is in shadow. He doesn’t want anyone to know his identity because he isn’t supposed to talk about being a monster.  The first rule of skinwalkers is don’t talk about skinwalkers.  Yet he tells them he is a policeman on the reservation. I hope they have a large police force or that would narrow down his identify significantly.

As is the case with people who cavalierly talk to self proclaimed monsters during a lunar eclipse in a satanic setting, things go horribly wrong. The monsters are real and soon everyone is running for their lives.

As with most found footage films, the camera work is often nauseating.  The characters aren’t particularly likable so you don’t care about them.  I suppose credit is due for a different set up rather than the typical trope of exploring a haunted location and discovered it’s truly haunted. But then again, they just sort of changed location to subject, as in let’s interview monsters and oh my god they truly are monsters.

Don’t Hang Up (2016)

 

High school students Sam and Brady play phone pranks on unsuspecting people, and by pranks I mean they are cruel and traumatize people.  Ah the good old days when a prank meant jumping out to scare someone, rather than calling someone in the middle of the night while pretending to be a police officer to inform them their spouse died in a car crash.  

Why do douchebags like these guys always think they’re so hilarious. Oh isn’t it funny when we convinced that woman there was an intruder in her house who was after her child. How about the time we sent a pizza to the neighbors and then called the neighbor to say scam artists are posing as pizza delivery drivers to get access to their homes and the guy tried to hit the pizza guy with a bat.  Hilarious prank, dude! Upload the video so other tools can laugh at our antics. Good times, bro. 

It’s another hilarious evening at home until Sam and Brady end up on the phone with someone who is not amused. He tells them they’d better not hang up. Of course, they do what every stupid teen prankster would do and hang up.  

After the phone keeps ringing, they start video and answer so they show their incredible humor. But when he calls them by names, they get nervous.  Their anonymity gone, the two bro’s become contrite.  Not only does he know their names, he knows where they live and the name of Sam’s girlfriend.  In fact he’s ready to pay them back for all the trauma they’ve inflicted on other people in the name of fun.

You don’t have to wait long from the set up for the tables to turn.  These jerks complete lack of empathy makes you root for them to get exactly what they’ve dished out.  The thing that distracts from the revenge is wondering how the other person on the end of the line was able to track them down.  It’s not clear how he would have been able to find them or set up the complex revenge scenario.  If you can stop thinking about that, you’ll be fine with these idiots paying for their sins.

Wolf House (2016)

 A group of people who call themselves friends, but seem to dislike each other, go to a cabin for the weekend. They treat each other poorly, play  mean pranks and you’ll want to punch most of the characters in the face.  When they shoot a large unidentifiable creature, they decide it’s a Bigfoot and bring it back to the cabin.  Chaos ensues as other creatures show up and want their friend back.

At one point in the ruckus, 911 is called and they say two people are dead and something like a bear attacked them.  The 911 operator tells them the line is for emergencies only, and hangs up because they think it’s a prank.  That is one bad operator.  If you don’t believe a creature attacked them, at least take the report of two dead bodies seriously.

One scene that drove me nuts is the guy with the camera hiding in a cabinet trying to be quiet. But he keeps moving the camera all around so he can film out the door.  Seriously, stop freaking moving. How stupid are you? Apparently pretty stupid since he never stops moving which means he’s making noise and boom, creature attack.

This is super low budget and it’s found footage genre, which means the camerawork is nauseating.  There is a reason this has a 2.6 on IMDB. It is almost unwatchable.  It’s one of those movies that will probably only appeal to those who worked on it, or friends of those who worked on it. 

Followed (2018)

 

Social influencer and vlogger Mike posts video online about his adventures at macabre locations.  He convinces his team to go to a hotel where a woman recently disappeared.  Mike is completely fixated on this excursion because a potential sponsor will give him $250,000 if he can get 50,000 new subscribers.

The hotel tells him he can’t film there so he puts micro cameras in hats and clothing.  He checks in and then starts wandering around with a camera. He’s not the subtlest guy. At one point security catches Mike near the basement door, but surprise, the guy is a fan so he lets the trespassing slide.

Mike has a stereotypical online personality and relates only to the camera, not to the people with him.  Their interactions are for Mikes followers and there’s not much going on that is genuine.  

When Mike finds out the woman who disappeared played the elevator game, he decides he’ll play it. The game involves pushing elevator buttons in a specific order and then at the last floor you’ll find someone waiting. When Mike watches the footage of the missing woman shows, he notices she is pushing the buttons in reverse order. He theorizes she was trying to reverse whatever happened when she played the game.  Huge leap in logic, but okay. Maybe the footage is edited backwards or someone gave her the wrong sequence to play the game.

When Mike reaches the last floor and nothing happens, he heads back to the room. But soon he’s seeing things and hearing knocks and strange noises.  At one point a dead girl appears and stupid Mike thinks she’s a fan of the vlog who knew he’d be at the hotel and came to see him. Mike’s not so bright. He just played the game, weird stuff is happening, the last person to play the game disappeared, but sure its some random fan who acts nothing like a fan.

Mike is needy, insecure, and needs validation from faceless followers online.  He’ll manipulate his friends in order to get his money and more followers, not caring how it impacts people in his life.  He insists on filming even when people are breaking down or don’t want to be filmed.  

While with his crew, Mikes’ girlfriend tells him over Skype that she is pregnant.  Would anyone really do that? He’ll be home in two days. You’ve taken this private moment and told him and his friends at the same time. I can see if he was away for a month, but holy cow he’s only been gone a day. Why wouldn’t you wait to share an emotional experience in person?

This was okay for a found footage movie, but nothing innovative. I wish movies filmed from the characters point of view would be filmed without the camera seemingly being held by a chimp. I’m tired of these nausea inducing found footage movies.  There are ways to do it effectively without swinging the camera all around.

Ridiculous yet sadly real dialogue:

My followers are expecting me to go into the basement.

If I don’t have sponsorship, I’ll lose her.

Scarecrows (2017)

 

Four teens borrow a classic convertible, and take a day trip to find a lagoon.  They find the sign for the trail to the lagoon near an abandoned gas station and park between the gas pumps, which is just weird.  Well I guess they don’t cotton to respecting others property because there is a big no trespassing sign on the trail and they blow right by that.  

It’s long walk to the lagoon, such a it is, but soon the two couples are skinny dipping so everyone is happy.  Ely gives his girlfriend Ash a promise ring, even though his friend Farbsie thinks he’s stupid to be tied to one girl while heading to college.  Perhaps someone called  Farbsie shouldn’t be passing judgement on what’s stupid.

After they’re done with the lagoon, Devon refuses to walk back to the car. She demands Farbsie and Ely go get the car and drive it back to pick them up. Yes, because it’s completely reasonable to drive your huge convertible across someone else’s corn field when you’re too lazy to walk.  

When the guys get back to the gas station, they find the car is gone and blame each other. Then the girls show up because it’s taking so long.  They are in the middle of nowhere, there is no cell service, and they don’t know what to do. They notice a farm on the other side of the corn field and head towards it. But that is to be their undoing since there are human scarecrows in the field. You just know if humans are hung on poles in a field, it’s the farm owner putting them up.

There isn’t anything new in this slasher. Kids going where they shouldn’t and getting picked off one by one.  The characters aren’t likable so you’re not worried about them dying.  Ash and Ely aren’t horrible like Devon and Farbsie. But when Ely cheats with Devon shortly after declaring his undying love to Ash, good god, I’m done.  And Devon is a mean girl, She’s self absorbed, manipulative, and obnoxious. If you knew this girl, you’d always be making excuses to get away from her. She’s condescending and pressures people into doing things they don’t want to do. 

Stay Out Stay Alive (2019)

 

A group of friends go camping for the weekend.  When they get to the park, they check in.  The ranger reminds them that the mines are off limits and gives them directions to the camp site they reserved.

The group decides to stay elsewhere and while walking at night, one of the girls falls down a mine shaft and gets her foot wedged under a rock.  When the group tries to rescue her, they find gold in them thar hills. Why would anyone leave a huge vein of gold, they wonder?

The gold sends them into a tizzy as they argue about whether to get help to free their friend from under the boulder or steal the gold.  Greed wins, hurrah! The plan is that when they get enough gold, they’ll clean up to make it look like they were never camping there.  Then they’ll ask the rangers to rescue their friend and no one will never know about the gold.

So our girl sits with her leg pinned under a boulder while the others start mining for riches.  A diary is found in the cave. As they read it, they discover the miners never left the mine. Something bad happened, but they aren’t sure what and most don’t care due to their gold fever.  There is mention of a Native American curse, the land being a scared place, and someone sees what appears to be a ghost. Oh damn, get out. Get out now!

This is more of a psychological horror movie.  The tension comes from being down in the mine, wondering if there is something else in there, and whether the characters are being possessed by spirits or just becoming consumed by their own greed. There is also the issue of a huge storm coming in and the mine starting to flood.  The girl trapped under the rock is not amused by the turn of events.

While this is an okay movie, the biggest problem is the character you care the most about is the ranger. You just know something bad is going to happen to her because of these jerk kids and their gold. 

Mon Mon Mon Monsters! (2017)

High school student Shu-wei is bullied every day and his teacher doesn’t care.  After getting in trouble, he’s assigned to community service with his bullies.  The bullies convince him to go along with them at night to break into a high rise building and steal a suitcase from an old man. They’re convinced that there is gold or something of value inside. 

While in the apartment building, they encounter a monster and through a series of events, end up bringing the injured monster to an abandoned building where they hold it captive. No one knows what the creature is and decide to torture it to find out more about it.  It’s incredibly disturbing.  

Bullied Shu-wei is asked to participate. You hope that he’ll not victimize it since he can relate to how it feels. But he joins in and you lose all hope for any humanity.  These kids are brutal.

However the teens don’t realize that the creature has a sister and she will do whatever it takes to get her back. As the sister gets closer, you end up rooting for the monsters. But then again, everyone is a monster in this movie, so you don’t really root for anyone.

This film seemed like a winner. From the title, which reminded me of something that would be said by Shaggy in an episode of Scooby Doo, to the genre of Asian horror, to monsters and teenagers.  And the info I read prior to watching it referred to it as a horror comedy.  But there is nothing funny about this film.  

There isn’t one likable character.  Everyone is incredibly mean spirited and you want the monsters to rip their heads off.   You feel for Shu-wei as the victim of bullying, but then he joins the bullies in order to be  accepted and becomes the thing he hates in the process.  While the film is well done, it leave you wishing you’d never seen it due to the horrendous teens and their complete lack of humanity.

Against the Night (2017)

 

A group of friends at a party are convinced by their aspiring filmmaker friend Hank to go to an abandoned prison to hunt for ghosts.  If there’s anything I’ve learned from horror movies, it’s never trust the aspiring filmmaker.

They break into the prison and split up, as you do.  Some of the cell doors are locked so people can be in the same area without the ability to get to each other.

When Suzy goes missing and they find Hank passed out on the floor with blood on his head, the group panics. But haha it’s just a joke because Hanks a jerk who wants to film authentic reactions to traumatizing situations. Yes, we need you to truly think you’re going to die or your friends are dead.  That’s the terror reaction we’re looking for - and cut.

While some of the group are mad at Hank, others make excuses for him. Oh he’s not the best socially, or he probably doesn’t realize it’s so upsetting.  When others disappear or die, they wonder if this is a continuation of an insensitive prank.  In a moment that confirms Hanks jerk status, Hank turns it around on them and starts accusing them of killing people. Oh Hank, you annoying, inept filmmaking jerk.

Things just aren’t going to turn out well for this group because they aren’t the only ones in the prison. This is exactly why you should be wary of abandoned places. You don’t know who or what is in there.  And if you do go in, at least be quiet, stick together and realize you may not be alone.

Krampus: the Reckoning (2015)

After Zoe uses a voodoo doll to summon Krampus to kill her foster parents, she ends up at the police station. Psychologist Rachel tries to help her but Zoe is having none of it. Rachel looks into her past and finds that trouble seems to follow Zoe around.

She finds a record for Zoe that is twenty years old, which makes no sense since Zoe is a little girl. Rachel tracks down the former foster parents and they still have one photo of Zoe which confirms its the same child.  Soon after this trip Rachel, who can’t remember much of her childhood, starts having Krampus nightmares.

The funniest scene in the movie, and the only part I enjoyed watching, was when people were questioning how the foster family from twenty years ago had a picture of Zoe.  One of them says, “it could be a fake or he could be having fun with you.”  Yes, that must be it.  It was all a well planned ruse just in case twenty years later, someone unexpectedly showed up asking about their former foster child who just coincidentally looks exactly like a girl they currently have in custody. Oh the laughs we’ll have.  Seriously how could anyone plan that?

Krampus Origin (2018)

 

At the end of World War I, some soldiers take a book from a dead German.  When their commander asks them why they didn’t turn it in with intel, they respond, “It’s not intel. It’s a storybook.” Yes because no one ever tried to hide secret codes in a story book during a war. Geez!

Meanwhile at the orphanage, a girl is practicing alchemy, and a new teacher arrives.  Her husband is at the front, which is shorthand for he’s going to die. Sure enough he was one of the soldiers at the beginning and the storybook is given to her as it was with his body.

Nothing much happens for the first hour other than orphans  harassing each other.  Then sixty minutes in, the excitement mounts as yes, we have a Krampus! And he has glowing eyes. Hurrah! Then the excitement crashes and burns as Krampus speaks so slowly and growly that he bores everyone to death.  Oh that pesky Krampus.

Krampus Origins is surprisingly void of Krampus and I have no idea what his origin is because he was so incredibly boring when he spoke.

Hide in the Light (2018)

 

The worst urban explorers ever decide to go to an orphanage that’s been closed for fifty years. Even though there is a security guard on the property, the group are the noisiest people ever trying to sneak into an abandoned building and not get caught.  They scare each other to provoke screams, talk loudly, swing their flashlights all over the place, yell at each other, do flash photography in hallways full of windows, and cause a general ruckus. Way to announce yourself, idiots. No discretion at all.

They split up into groups to explore the orphanage. When one of the women disappears, they start a search but only find her flashlight and walkie talkie.  Two of the guys think it will be funny to pretend they’ve disappeared, leaving their female  friend alone and terrified. Oh such brilliant comedy. What a couple of tools.

As the group is trying to figure out what to do, one of the guys gets dragged off by something in the dark.  Another gets some of his fingers chopped off. They barricade the cellar door and think they have trapped whatever it is in the basement. Yes, because there could never be any other doors in a massive orphanage basement.

At this point, some of the group wants to leave, while others want to continue to search for their friends. Damn it, people! What do you think is going to happen if you stay? Two people have already disappaeared and one was dragged into the basement by something unseen. Is it really in anyone’s best interest to state, including your missing friends?

They stay and split up...for the love of god these kids aren’t bright. Oh I know how we’ll find our friends. We need to play the game the little ghost girl wants us to play where we turn off our lights and something in the dark drags us away screaming. Yes, that will definitely help our friends return. 

Hell no, I’m not going to turn off my light.... is exactly what you think someone would say. Bbut they’re idiots so they don’t.  It’s just idiot after idiot turning off their lights.

One of the woman has a problem with her brother because he proposed at the get together but didn’t talk to her about it beforehand.  Even after things go wrong in the orphanage and people are injured or dead, she gets in a fight with him over this perceived slight. It makes her an unsympathetic character since she’s in a life or death situation and she takes this opportunity to air this petty grievance. Might want to be more concerned about living through the night, and appreciating that you have a brother who cares about you.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Sometimes in the late 60s, there was a commotion about the orphanage... people were going missing so it was shut down.”

The Butchering (2015)

 

Tommy Miller killed his parents, then went to his high school and killed his classmates at the dance.  He was never caught.  

Twenty years later, one of the two survivors from the school is murdered.  Her younger sister, who is currently in high school, is also killed.  Coincidentally the detective sent to investigate is the other survivor of the massacre.

High school student Julie, whose uncle is the detective, is nervous about a killer being on the loose.  Her friends speculate that it could be Tommy Miller come back to kill again.

The police are having none of their teenage shenanigans, especially  on Halloween. When one girl calls 911 because she hears someone trying to get into her house, the police ask if it’s a joke. Then they tell her they’ve been getting a lot of prank calls and say, “don’t make last night make you nervous... you know the number to call if you’re worried.”  Yes she does and that’s why she called. Next victim status confirmed.

The most disconcerting part of the film is that the high schools students appear to be as old as the detectives. One is even balding.  If you lined up the entire cast, and made someone guess as to who were the adults and who were the high school students, they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. 

This is an Irish slasher film. There’s nothing new here as it follows standard storylines.  To be honest, the reason I watched it was the review I saw below on Amazon prime.  I was curious as to what the cast looked like since someone was so repulsed by them. My imagination was far worse than anyone I saw on screen. They mostly looked like anyone you’d see on the street. I’ve seen far uglier actors in the ultra low budget regional horror films done by amateurs  who think having a camera makes you a filmmaker.

Ditch Party (2016)

 

A small group of teens get a message on their phone to come to a ditch party in the basement of the school. There they find snacks, weed and alcohol, but no one knows who sent the texts.  

When shots are heard outside, they lock themselves in the room and call the police. The cops tell them there’s an active shooter in the building and they should shelter in place. They also mention all the doors are booby trapped so it will take the police awhile to rescue them.

Some of the kids get into arguments, while others are more like, oh cool snacks.  When someone knocks on the door, they let them in.  At one point ,the girl in charge decides she’s going to leave because the police tell them the shooter is in another wing of the building.  She makes a run for it and passes a group of teens running in the opposite direction which should clue her in to change direction.  Also why is she trying to leave when the police previously told her all exits had booby traps?  Gah!

There are some ridiculous plot points in this film, such as when the police let a teenage pizza delivery person into the building.  Oh great, a hostage for our shooter.  Or when the shooter is banging on the door to the room the kids are in and the police say, let him in and then put him on the phone. Okay so maybe its just the police are idiots sinces both of these lapses in judgement are going to get teenagers killed.

Also the shooter ordered two large pizzas, but those boxes appeared to be different sizes. And if you’re hiding from a shooter and someone doesn’t want to call their dad, are you really going to ask this kid who you’re not friends with, “do you want to talk about it?”  Seriously?  

Most of the movie is just people making bad decisions.

Amityville Terror (2016)

 It’s an Amityville extravaganza!  Teen girl Haley and her family move in with her aunt in a huge house that they’re renting at a bargain price in Amityville.  Always be wary of the bargain rental. I once looked at a huge apartment that was super cheap and the guy revealed that while technically he was the owner, he was being sued by someone else who claimed ownership. He was renting it cheap because whoever took the apartment may need to move suddenly if the lawsuit didn’t go his way. Plus it had some obvious livability problems that he assured me would be fixed before I moved in.  Needless to say I passed on that bargain.

Haley rides a dirtbike and hates they move to the smallest town ever that has nothing but trees. She quickly finds a party in the woods where the mean girls treat her like crap and one of the guys is friendly. Unfortunately that guy is boyfriend of the meanest girl so that’s not going to go well.

Her aunt has been sober for a while but is starting to act weird. The family wonders if she’s on drugs again. Nope, its just the evil in the house that is causing her to act super creepy and murdery.  Then dad start to act strange and Haley begins to wonder if the stories the mean girls have told her about their house are true.

Compared to Amityville Toybox or Amityville Clownhouse, this is competent.  But it’s nothing new and doesn’t take place in the same Amityville as the original. So again, we’ve got a possession film that uses Amityville to sell itself.  If you have to use another movies recognition factor to get someone to watch your own movie, you’re doing something wrong.

Amityville Clownhouse (2017)

 

Oh no, not again. Another second hand store with the Amityville monkey for sale. When a couple buys the monkey, they  immediately start hearing noises and crashing sounds in their house. The husband says it must be rats but never goes to check out what made the sounds or if something has fallen over in another room. Yes, rats it is. Weirdo.

The husband becomes possessed, like they do in Amityville movies, while the wife insists the noises in the house isn’t rats. This doesn’t sit well with her husband since he’s the man with the monkey and she needs to buy this rat story.

This movie is dreadful. While the acting is subpar, it’s genius compared to the sound.  Often the background music drowns out the dialogue, which could be considered a blessing based on the dialogue we can hear.  But you will find yourself watching a scene waiting for someone to talk and then realize they’re already talking.

There is also a lot of padding in the film. We have six minutes of the wife walking to the park, finding a place to sit and drawing. What is the point? There isn’t any, other than to add time to the film.  Plus near the end we have ten minutes of footage from Amityville Toybox to provide backstory on why the monkey is evil.

The characters aren’t likable and there is a priest with an anger issue. He starts shouting during a news cast because no one is taking his possession story seriously and storms out of the studio.  The most professional part of their movie is the short breaking news segment which could actually pass for a newscast - other than when they cut to reporters in the field and then it’s back to the same amateur style as the rest of the video.

Also there are stories from the newspaper. I’m not sure if they are real headlines, but it looks like real news stories in which they’ve photoshopped in bite sized references to the monkey, such as “was toy monkey to blame”, or “evil monkey.”

Lastly if you are expecting a clown, you will be sorely disappointed.  The only reference to a clown is at the beginning and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.  A man kills his entire family while dressed as a clown.  Some idiots break into his house to steal the clown painting on the wall because they can get big bucks for it on the dark web since it was at the scene of the murder.  Something supernatural kills them. Their character and the clown painting are never mentioned again. Clownhouse indeed!

Ridiculous dialogue:

It’s not the rats. Rats don’t slam doors.

Amityville Toybox (2016)

 Aka the Amityville Legacy

Oh good god no. An unpleasant family gathers for their fathers fiftieth birthday party. One of the daughters gives him a toy monkey, which is unfortunately from the Amityville house. After he cuts his foot on the doll.... you heard me... the evil in the monkey possesses him and makes him kill his family.  The end.  Well the end is about an hour after that but you don’t really need to watch because it’s not all that interesting.

This a rough one to get through. It’s got a 2.2 on IMDB. The acting is at a local theater level and the sound must have been recorded on location based on the ambient noise that’s underlying the dialogue. One of the characters keeps trying to give the Dad alcohol even though he’s been sober for twenty years. Also there’s a weird scene where one of the daughters walks into dads room and he’s standing there naked with his back to the door. Instead of walking out, or closing the door, she stands there and looks down. Seriously woman, get out of the room if your dad is naked. Also it appears to be night outside but when she goes downstairs it’s daytime.

The beginning of the movie is a flashback to 1974 in the DeFeo house with a DeFeo walking in the hallway with a shotgun.  The problem with this is if you know the Amityville story, it’s pointless. And if you don’t know the story, this doesn’t explain anything because it’s too vague. 

This is a movie that slapped the name Amityville in the title to get people to watch it. Well they succeeded.  I knew it would be bad, just didn’t realize how bad.  The only reason to watch is if you have a goal of seeing every movie that uses Amityville in the title. Other than that, make a hard pass on this one.

Ridiculous dialogue:

It’s radioactive... with evil. 

Ghost Ship (1980)

 

Slow moving movie about slow moving George Kennedy who is the captain of a cruise ship.  It’s Kennedys last trip as the captain and he’s none too happy about it.  When the cruise ship is hit by a mystery freighter, only a small handful of people end up in the life raft.

Lost at sea with no provisions, they are thankful when a rusty old ship suddenly appears.  Although no one comes to answer their calls of help, the stairs are down along the side of the ship and the survivors climb up to the deck. Well most of them climb up before the stairs break and throw three of them into the ocean.  A rope ladder is found and thrown down, and they manage to get doused with oil or mud on their climb up.  Yes, they’ve entered the death ship and it has evil in store for them.

This is going for a scary atmosphere rather than straight up horror. It would have scared me as a teenager but hasn’t aged well.  The horror is fairly low key, such as the water in the shower turning red, people getting tangled in ropes that send them to their death, or machinery that operates on its own. Kennedy is probably the creepiest thing about this movie in that he’s an angry, hulking man possessed by the ship and glares at everyone he comes in contact with.

Break (2019)

Aka Otryv

Five friends decide to go to the top of a mountain on New Year’s Eve. They walk up to the gondola carrying a lighted Christmas tree and a box full of beer, along with their snowboards.  

Kirill paid the lift operator to stay late so they can be on the mountain at midnight.  However they arrive later than expected and the operator threatens to leave if they don’t immediately get on the lift.  Kirill can’t find his bag and refuses to go, demanding that his girlfriend get out of the car.  The others think he’s being stupid and they stay on the gondola leaving Kirill behind.

Half way up the gondola stops due to an accident at the station.  The group assumes the issue will shortly be fixed and spend the night in the car.  In the morning, when there is still no sign of help or an operating gondola, they try to figure out a way to get help.  Of course this is when we start seeing what people are truly made of and there’s always one coward in every group, well at least in movies anyway.

I don’t know how I got this idea in my head, but when I watched the preview I thought it was a horror movie and someone was shooting at them while they were trapped in a gondola. So I was expecting a whole different film.  This is a Russian film and it’s dubbed.  I prefer to watch foreign films in their original language because the inflections in the dubbing are usually horrendous.  But this one didn’t seem that bad.

This is similar to the movie Frozen, where three college students pay a chair lift operator to let them go on a late night run after the mountain has closed and get stuck on the chair lift in a blizzard.  The lesson in both being don’t go to places after they close because if something goes wrong, no one will ever come looking for you.

The Eve (2015)

 

Three friends from college, Jen, Scott, and Harry head to Martha’s Vineyard for New Year’s Eve.  Along for the trip is Harry’s new girlfriend Lacey.  Jen is a bit put off by Lacey being there since the trip was partly to work through some issues in the friendships. Most pressing is that Harry invested in a venture with Scott and appears to have lost his money. This is money he couldn’t afford to lose and Scott is cavalier about it. 

The group gets into a fight after Harry sees Scott and Lacey kiss.  Harry and Jen are mad at Scott.  Oddly enough Scott never mentions that it was Lacey who kissed him. Everyone heads in different directions to cool down and later one of them is found dead on the beach.

This leads to the lamest attempt to resuscitate a human ever committed to film.  They spend maybe ten seconds attempting revival and then declare the person deceased.  In the panic there is talk of calling the police and getting help.  But instead of someone continuing CPR and others going for the phone or the caretaker, they leave the body on the sand with the waves washing up on it.  Holy cow people, you can’t save someone if you leave their body to the mercy of the elements

Also they believe this is a murder and lock themselves in the house. But why would they say that? There is no blood on the body and no one mentioned any juries. They barely even looked at this person. 

What follows is numerous stupid decisions, culminating in a scene where someone seems intent on making as much noise as humanly possible while trying to slip away from the killer. Seriously, if you think someone is trying to kill you and you’ve locked them out of the room, don’t go clomping around on the deck because they’ll figure out you’re outside.

None of the characters are particularly likable, and Harry is such a weenie. He’s alternatively helpless and overly aggressive.  You don’t care about the characters so when they die, you just sort of meh about it.