Evil in the Woods (1986)

Billy checks out a library book called Evil in the Woods.  When he gets home, he goes to his bedroom and starts to read. A narrator starts telling us the tale of Mildew, GA which has been possessed by evil for 3000 years.  There’s a flashback to 1956 which is totally unnecessary and then we’re back to the present where a low budget film crew is making a movie called Bigfoot vs the Space Killers.

The film crew goes camping but keeps running into problems. Equipment doesn’t work or goes missing. People get in arguments and everything seems to go wrong. There is a Bigfoot and aliens in the movie, and hijinks ensue.

Also in the woods are a witch and her family of cannibals. What does a witch have to do with cannibalism? It’s never explained.  A young family comes to town and townsfolk come streaming out of nearby shops.  Someone says the family should be warned. But everyone is afraid and head back inside, leaving the poor family to the evil.  The family goes camping, the boy disappears, but the sheriff doesn’t seem that concerned about it. 

You’ll forget about Billy, the boy reading the book, until suddenly there’ll be a scene of him in his bedroom where something in the closet is trying to get out.  The narrator will pop up randomly and you’ll think, oh right there was a narrator in this film.  It’s really disjointed. Billy reads the whole book and it ends saying it’s a fractured fairytale.  

Who is Mr. P?

Danny’s not here, Mrs. Torrance

The library has an odd children’s section

Bigfoot alert

Why does Bigfoot have the face of a poodle?

Aliens

Brian is misspelled as Brain

Seventh Son (2105)

Centuries ago, a witch named Mother Malkin was imprisoned underground  in a cage by Master Gregory, a spook (knights who hunt witches).  Now Malkin has escaped and plans to wage war on Gregory and the rest of humankind.  Gregory is looking for a new apprentice, seeing as they keep dying, and finds Tom, the seventh son of a seventh son.

They set out on a quest, with Master Gregory training Tom in the way of the knights.  Gregory is the last of his kind so he's looking for an apprentice to take over some day.  Since they all inconveniently die before this can happen, here's hoping Tom can survive long enough to learn the ways of the spooks.

Jeff Bridges plays old Master Gregory as if he's got a mouthful of oatmeal, a curious choice indeed as it's awkward and annoying.

Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising (2013)

When a sand worm crashes Summer's wedding and eats her fiancé, the Agency of Vengeance goes on the alert....hell, with a description like that, it sounds ridiculously awesome.  Sadly it's not. It's more like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but with  bikinis.

Summer works at the Rising Dark Agency, alongside her ex Jason.  The group sets out to determine who killed her fiancé, and stop the increase in supernatural activity that is occurring.  They get intel from an unwilling informant named Bulo, a weirdo that provides lame comic relief.

This is one of those movies where it's not terrible, but it's not good either. It tries to be funny, but isn't. This is the fourth movie in the Dark Rising franchise, so someone enjoys it.  Also what's up with the photoshop on the cover? There's something off about the way the head sits on the neck.

Master of Darkness Magic (2008)

aka Masters of Magic

I knew I was in trouble as soon as this started. It looks like a video your friends might make.  There isn't any lighting or cinematography. The acting is at an amateur theater level, and the dialogue is often buried under the background music. Since there isn't much of a plot, I suppose it doesn't matter - but it doesn't help either.

A princess who is tired of being rich and living well, puts on a twentyfirst century vest and heads out into the woods to live as a thief.  She joins forces with a young orphan, and the two decide to help a gay monk destroy some creatures which turn out to be some sort of pathetic zombies.

Meanwhile a wizard is creating the zombies by killing the living in order to keep some sort of gate closed.  Who does the gate keep out?  No idea.  How does turning people into zombies help keep the gate closed? No clue.  But the wizard kills people he knows while apologizing them.  They don't even fight. They just simply tell him that they don't like that he's killing them. It's all very civilized.

This is the equivalent of watching community theater in the wild. There is a soundtrack which sounds like it came out of a video game where the character is on a quest and has a sword.  The credits thank a renaissance fair as well as a guild.  It's not clear what sort of connections the two have to this movie, but in every photo I've seen of a Renaissance fair, the costumes are way better than what you'll see in this film.

Yeah, the one on the right is a Princess who's slumming it.

Typical shot that reveals no lighting was used.

The saddest looking zombies ever

Yes, the vests are authentic to the 16th century.

I really believe that the evil sword is forcing her to cut herself.

Primitive special effects to match the time period.

I can't take his threat seriously because he looks like he's
going to kiss him.

Movies I Couldn't Get Through

Bunraku (2010)

Hey a movie with Josh Hartnett, Woody Harrelson, Ron Perlman, and Demi Moore?  Why does this movie not sound familiar?  Well I'm guessing because it's got a similar feel to Repo: the Genetic Opera.  I hated that movie.

A narrator speaks as we are shown desolate scenery from a post apocalyptic future, and damned if I didn't drift off.  Visually the movie looks good, but you have to be prepared for the cut out scenery and sets. You have to be able to suspend disbelief in your audience in order for them to buy into the premise, and this just didn't do it.  All three of us agreed to pull the plug on this one since we couldn't deal with it any longer.

Borderline Cult (2007)

Oh hell, no.  I'd rather sit through all of Bunraku, which is at least a competently done movie.  Borderline Cult one has 1 star on Netflix, and a 1.7 rating on IMDB.  It's about three serial killers who team up.  The first five minutes are so bad, there's no reason to go further.

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

This is a Full Moon film, so I knew what to expect, but it was so much worse than I'd imagined. I'm not a Full Moon fan, but my friend, who's seen every Full Moon movie, couldn't even make it through this.

The Gingerdead Man is released from captivity by activists and  travels back in time to the disco era, where he begins killing. He starts with girls in bikinis at a car wash.  Ugh, this is unwatchable.

Sleeping Beauty (2014)

Casper van Dien is a King with a terrible accent. His real wife and daughter play the Queen and Princess, which makes me think they saw a cool castle while on vacation and decided to find funding for a movie and pulled a Will Smith by casting their child.

When the Princess is a baby, a witch casts a spell that when she's sixteen, she will prick her finger on a spindle and fall into a coma, as well as the entire kingdom.  The good witches counter that spell stating she will be woken by the kiss of a Prince.

Naturally the King gets rid of every spindle in the Kingdom.  He also locks the Princess in a tower until her sixteenth birthday, at which time there is a huge feast and she's allowed out.

I swear the witch said when she was 16, but the family believes the spindle incident is to happen prior to age 16.  Is this an issue of continuity, or purposely done? No idea.  Of course, the Princess is a stupid teenager and on her first night of freedom, she sticks her finger on a spindle, falls into a deep sleep and takes the Kingdom down with her.

One hundred years later, the cowardly nasty Prince Jayson's whipping boy, Barrow, has pieced together a map showing how to get to the castle in her kingdom.  When the Prince gets hold of this, he and his thugs drag Barrow with them on their journey to claim the Kingdom and kiss the Princess.
Of course we all know fairy tales don't let cowardly princes win the hand of the fair Princess.

This is another film by The Asylum.  Nuff said.

Black Forest (2012)

Tour guide Casmar, who has bed head and may be hopped up on goofballs, leads a tour group into the Black Forest. It's rumored that supernatural things occur here and there may even be some fairies running around.  It is also the area made famous by the Brothers Grimm's fairy tales, which are full of trolls, death, and other things waiting to teach you a lesson or kill you.

After the tourists are led to a rock circle on top of a hill, like a little Stonehenge of sorts, Casmar does a ritual which brings forth a fairy in the center of the circle.  The worst mother in the world steps into the circle when beckoned, even though she's holding her seven month old baby. The child is promptly stolen by the fairy, who disappears into nothingness. Well, I'm sure the baby is better off, even if it's going to be raised by a pack of rabid hedgehogs. Who brings a baby to a magic ritual in the Black Forest?!

Though Casmar has disappeared, this is never mentioned and the group sets off down a path that wasn't there before in hopes of finding the baby.  Instead they find a cabin which they take refuge, and meet a woman who seems willing to help them survive. She is also the spitting image of the dead wife of one of the tourists.

Ah, but we're in a fairy tale, so things are not always as they appear.  This becomes quickly apparent to our mother of the year when she gets put to sleep by an old woman who stabs her ,since she doesn't get the gist of the fairy tale of Sleeping Beauty.  Soon fairy tales are coming to life everywhere, and some of the group are quicker to pick up on this than others.

This is a Syfy movie, so that pretty much tells you what you're getting.  One issue with the movie is that the Black Forest, which is the site of all these nightmare fairy tales, is a very cheery sunny place.  There are colorful mushrooms, bright fields, and wandering brooks.  It looks like a very pleasant place.

Also I question why no one notices that every group of tourists that Casmar takes on his Black Forest tour never come back.  Perhaps it's because most of them aren't very likable?

Troll (1986)

The Potter family moves into a new apartment and while everyone is bringing in boxes, little Wendy manages to get abducted by a troll in the basement.  Don't you hate when that happens?

No one notices Wendy is gone since the troll has a magic ring and turns himself into Wendy's doppelganger.  But everyone thinks Wendy is acting up since she's growling, running around like a crazy person, and eating like a beast. She's a royal pain in the ass and an embarrassment when she does strange things to or around the new neighbors. But mom and dad are overwhelmed and just sort of shrug as if to say, what's up with her?

Soon older brother Harry figures out that something is seriously wrong with Wendy. After watching some sci fi on TV he begins to think she's not really Wendy at all, but an alien. Close enough, but who is going to believe him?

Luckily he's moved into the only apartment in the city which has a witch waiting to stop the troll when he makes his attempt at taking over the world.  The weird thing is that the troll takes over all the apartments except hers and the Potters before she decides to do anything about it. Not sure if that's the best idea for someone who's spent centuries being the guardian against this sort of thing, but oh well. She's got Harry to help her fight the troll and his little minions who are sprouting up in all the apartments.

This isn't a scary film and it's pretty silly at times. There are little troll and goblin puppets, and some are quite cute. Sony Bono melts after being touched by the troll, and that's kind of yucky.  The movie is entertaining enough, especially if you like 1980s movies. You don't need to watch it to understand Troll 2 since they don't seem to have anything to do with each other.

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters (2013)

Witches, who look like a Norwegian Death Metal band, begin kidnapping children from a small village. The over zealous Sheriff wants to kill anyone suspected of being a witch. But this is temporarily halted when the Mayor hires famous witch hunters, Hansel and Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel think there is something more sinister going on due to the unusually high number of children taken from one area.  After capturing the witch who looks a bit like a goth Eddie Izzard, they figure out that there will soon be a blood moon and  the witches intend some sort of ritual using 6 boys and 6 girls.

For famous witch hunters, Hansel and Gretel don't seem to be the best at their job.  They get dragged through the woods or get injured frequently. Once they get the witches within their clutches, their proclivity to speak instead of act, gives the witches time to escape or make a break for it, causing more potential for more injuries. Get it together, kids!  Stop being so lax in your methods.

This is a pretty ridiculous movie, but at times it's fun because it's so ridiculous.  There are some cool effects, such as when the Troll crushes or lops off some heads.  The movie is almost in a no mans land as far as who it's intended for - it's a bit violent for a kids fairy tale but it's a bit stupid for adults.

Jack the Giant Killer (2013)

On his 18th birthday, a friend of Jack's father shows up to give Jack a small package from his father.  Jack's dad disappeared before he was born and his mom and stepdad say the friend is crazy. They're also way too grabby as they keep trying to get the package away from Jack. Geez, it's his 18th birthday. Give the kid a break and let him have his lame little gift.

When Jack opens it, he finds a couple of large beans. After staring at them a while, he throws them into a field.  The next day he discovers a bean stalk which is the talk of the town.  But he discovers this is no ordinary beanstalk when a tendril grabs him, and he and the beanstalk shoot up into the clouds. He  awakens to the sight of dinosaurs and a flying castle.  It sounds so much better than it is.

The beanstalks are finicky. Only the person who planted them can climb them.  Plus they disintegrate within a few hours, something that Jacks' father should have told him when Jack discovers him in the flying castle.  Dad is the same age as when he left.

Okay, the flying castle is kind of neat, but why does it run on coal and how does it even move based on the minuscule amount of coal that powers the forge?

And then there's the matter of the beans. I could have sworn Jack received two beans and threw them both into the field.  But later the girl with him (not sure if it's his sister or friend) plants a bean, and at the end we see Jack has another one.  Are they asexually reproducing, self replicating beans, or is this an oversight? And if Dad is leaving his son beans, how about a note?  It may have been nice to give Jack a clue as to why you're giving them to him.

As for the rest, the police are right out of a Monty Python sketch. The robot suit Jack builds doesn't protect his head. Who wants to fight dinosaurs in a metal suit that exposes your cranium? And what time period does this take place in? There's WWI army uniforms but Jack's motorcycle isn't that old and neither is his leather jacket.

And why is Jack building a robot in his barn?  Well, it's robotic but he gets inside it, and guides it with his overly exposed skull, ready for a proper crushing.  Also does Jack kill any giants in this movie? No. Are there any giants in this movie? No. We're left with dinosaurs and an evil lady who wants to rule the planet with her dinosaur army. Bah!

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

After murdering the King on their wedding night, the evil Queen throws little Snow White in the dungeon and takes over the kingdom. Years later, Snow White is an adult and escapes from the dungeon into the dark forest.

The Queen hires a Huntsman to track her down. The Queen's brother and his goons accompany him on his quest, promising a reward when the task is completed. But once he locates his target he is immediately betrayed so he let's Snow White go. When he meets her again, she promises to pay him to help her escape.

They run through the forest, meet some dwarves, go to Fairyland, get chased by the evil goons, and Snow White ends up eating a poisoned apple from the Queen who has shape shifted into her long lost childhood friend.  This begs the question if the Queen can shape shift and find Snow White at a random campsite, then why didn't she just take care of this herself rather than put in motion this whole mess when she hired the Huntsman?

The movie looks fantastic.  The make up, scenery, effects, sets, and everything is top notch.  The most impressive effects are the mirror as a flowing liquid/person form, plus the birds flying in through the roof to splat into a puddle on the floor and then out of the puddle  crawls the Queen looking like black liquid.

Also the actors who played the dwarves, such as Nick Frost, are flawlessly imaged as dwarves. No idea  how they did that, but it is amazing. If you didn't recognize the actors, you'd think they were played by midgets. Did they squash them in post?  Add their heads onto real midget bodies? Is it all cgi?  I don't know but it looks great.

Charlize Theron chews the scenery as the Evil Queen. She's quite good and over the top, which perhaps is due to the vacuum that is Kristin Stewart as Snow White, who only has two expressions - mouth open or mouth closed. My friend Tristan mentioned her expression always looks like she's put her hand in something icky and is hoping no one notices. Spot on, my friend, spot on.

As for the entertainment factor, although it's visually appealing, it's not very exciting and the movie based on a board game Battleship movie was more enjoyable.  Not because it was better, but because it was worse, so much ridiculously worse.