Seekers (2016)

Four friends decide to go geocaching in the woods of Poland, and bring a cameraman to film their adventure.  The rule of geocaching is you can’t be seen finding the cache.  Some caches are items to view, while others you swap something you have for what is inside.

The second night of their hike they decide to stay in an abandoned hotel. I think the cache is supposed to be somewhere inside it, but they don’t seem to know exactly where and this place is huge. 

While searching the hotel, they find the diary of a young girl who was the owners daughter. Based on the diary and a room in the basement with an examining table, they conclude the girl was tortured by her parents.

Supernatural things start happening and something is chasing them, but they don’t make the best decisions. Multiple times at night, they run and hide, yet leave their flashlights on.   

There’s nothing that interesting about this and you won’t care about the characters. 

Our intrepid explorers

This is not what you want to see in a girls diary

Nope, this drawing is much worse

Hiding under the table with the flashlight on

Even worse, hiding in the woods behind a big tree,
but leaving the light on your video camera on.

Goblin (1993)

A young couple buys a home in the suburbs and invites their friends over for a house warming.  They pile pizza slices on a plate like animals. Who does this? Also they mention her mom made the pizza. Mom isn’t there. Do they have a pile of cold pizza? 

They find a book in the basement which says twenty years ago a guy tried a spell to make his crops grow, but instead it summoned a demon he was unable to control.  What the group don’t realize is the demon was contained in a well, and they pried the boards off the well earlier that night.

When they hear noises outside, they think it‘s kids playing pranks on the new people and split up to try to catch them. One guy goes to the second floor and out a door onto a shingled roof. Next to the door is a wooden ladder that leads to the second story roof. What sort of madness is this? Who puts a door in to go on a shingled roof?

The problem is the noise isn’t kids. It’s the goblin they accidentally unleashed. It’s killing whoever it can get its hands on. The group tries to figure out how to escape without getting killed. It involves going outside to the neighbors, which doesn’t seem like a good idea. Next door they meet a woman who knows the creature is a goblin.  How? 

This is a shot on video, low budget movie. There are many nonsensical scenes with people doing silly things. While it’s not good, I did enjoy it for what it was.

Questions you’ll have after watching this:

1. Who goes up a ladder backwards?
2. How’d the goblin get on the roof?
3. Why don’t they have any furniture in their house?
4. Why doesn’t their neighbor have any furniture?
5. Who brings a change of clothes to a house warming party?
6. Who just walks into their neighbors home?
7. Why would the police think a report of a murder was a joke?
8. Why the Sheriff use his own car for work?
9. How did they know he was a cop when he pulled up when he has no police car?
10. Why didn’t they lock the door behind them since there is a killer loose?
11. How does their neighbor know about the goblin?
12. Who is the character in the shorts and leather jacket?
13. Why can’t 911 tell she’s calling from radio in the Sheriff’s car?
14. Why are the zombies wearing fitted bed sheets?
15. Since when can you get full refunds on homes you buy?

Ridiculous dialogue

What’s this? Oh. Oh. It’s a book. 

Sheriff’s office.

Get your freaking ass out here right now. I’m gonna die!

Don’t use profanity. I just need to know what your address is.

We did it, man! The monsters dead. First thing we do is go to our real estate agent and ask for a full refund.

Who puts a mirror over the kitchen sink

Has anyone ever piled slices of pizza on top
of each other to serve them?

The house with a door leading to
a shingled roof with a ladder to climb higher

How does the goblin know how to use a drill?

Continuity  - peeking in closed blinds…

…but from the inside, the blinds are open

There is no furniture in their house except one folding chair

The Sheriffs car is a bit unusual

The random metal guy in a leather jacket and shorts

The neighbor also has no furniture

They’re beginning to realize something is wrong

The monster looking like your little brother
with a fitted sheet over his head

How does the goblin know how to use the stove?

Nuff said.

Speed trap (1977)

Someone is stealing cars and the police can’t catch them. The thief, dubbed The Roadrunner, is rumored to have a box which can be used to remotely start the car and drive it to a nearby location where the thief is waiting to jump in and drive it away.

When the police have no luck stopping the thefts, the insurance company hires private eye Pete Novick.  When he visits the police station, he finds old flame Nifty Nolan works there.

Meanwhile gangster Spillano is calling Captain Hogan because his shipment of heroin was in one of the stolen cars. Hogan is on the take so Spillano wants to make sure he knows there’s going to be trouble if the heroin isn’t returned.

This movie is a typical 70s movie that emphasizes car chases and sports cars.  Pete drives a Charger with a red and white paint job similar to the car driven by Starsky and Hutch.  Joe Don Baker stars as Pete and Tyne Daly is Nifty. There’s not a lot too it, but if you’re into 70s car movies or like character actors of that time period, it’s okay.

Silly 1970s dialogue

What’s the matter with you, turkey?

If that’s the Roadrunner, I’m a four foot sword swallower with a six foot sword.

He’s probably got two glass eyes.

Wait till my dad hears about this. He’s a lawyer. He’ll make you look like a jerk.

Oooo speedtrap, turn around and jump back - line from Theme song

Product placement drinking a Coke

I’m guessing these were locals watching the filming?

Are these canals everywhere? Because the
same type of canal was in Slithis

Boom mic alert!

The stunt guys are really close to the explosion

Starsky and Hutch? Nope, it’s just Pete

I guess cravats were still a thing in the 70s

Car stunts of the 70s - jumping a car between buildings

More stunts, jumping a car into a lake

Nifty and Pete relaxing

Conjuring the Genie 2 (2021)

Every day Gabby visits her mom who’s in a coma. She reads to her and tells her what is going on in her life.  She’s a writer with a three book deal and her literary agent Zach wants her to write a sequel to her first book.  He’d like a trilogy but Gabby is fighting it.

She’s written a new book, but Zach says it’s too depressing and won’t sell.  Gabby doesn’t understand new authors have to build a following and one successful book doesn’t mean anyone will buy her second, especially when it’s a downer.  Also you can’t always write what you want if you expect to make a living writing.

Gabby comes up with in a new proposal about an urban myth, but Zach doesn’t care.  She wants to write about the djinn due to a story about some college kids who died after contacting it.  Her research will be to do the ritual and see if the djinn shows up. No time is spent thinking about what will happen to her if it does. 

She invites Zach and says if there is no djinn, she’ll do his trilogy. but if there is a djinn, she gets to do her urban legend book. When Zach arrives, Gabby’s friend asks how he can be a literary agent since he’s so muscular. Her friend isn’t very bright. 

In order to call the djinn, Gabby must repeat a phrase.  In a questionable editing choice, Gabby repeats this phrase twelve times in one minute. And yes I did go back and count because I couldn’t believe it just kept going.  As if we are not already wishing the djinn would smite her, she then mouths the phrase for a second minute. It’s pointlessly long. There is no tension building or anything other than a sincere wish from the viewer that the djinn bite Gabby’s head off as quickly as possible.

When the djinn appears, Zach leaves because he thinks Gabby is pulling a trick so she can write about urban legends.  The others are confused and Gabby is completely freaked out. Later that night the djinn start popping in to see people from the ritual to ask for their wish.  Did Gabby explain she was researching this due to the other group dying after meeting the djinn? Because everyone starts making wishes, other than her boyfriend Landon who realizes this is a bad idea.

Oh and Gabby’s mom is out of her coma and absolutely fine. Landon is convinced Gabby used her wish because her mom has no atrophy. Gabby says how dare you.  Of course we know this isn’t going to go well for anyone and their wishes will all go wrong. 

My biggest question about this movie is why is a literary agent thinking of taking on actors?  

Ridiculous dialogue

I don’t have any desires. I just want this to be over. 

I’m an artist. I want to explore and discover my art.

Maybe we should just ask her if she used that genie.

We can’t.

Gabby using her laptop on her comatose mothers bed

Why is Todd’s self portrait historical?

The closed caption on this scene made me laugh

Blood Massacre (1991)

This movie goes right out of the gate with a stabbing and a strangulation, letting us know Rizzo is an angry guy who is fine with killing anyone who annoys him. Later he meets up with Jimmy, Pauly, and Monica to plan out a robbery. 

Meanwhile the Parkers have a room for rent and an art student shows up with suitcases in hand to look at the room.  It’s a simpler time where women were required to politely laugh when being harassed. So Mr. Parkers creepy remarks don’t throw any red flags. 

Rizzo and his friends head into a video store, which is an odd target for a robbery since there’ll be tons of witnesses and three dollar rentals aren’t going to get them a good haul.  After a clerk is shot, the group drives off, but not before the surviving clerk gets off a couple shots. When their car conks out, they discover the shot hit the gas tank and they’ve run out of gas. The nearest house is the Parkers. Rizzo and friends take the family hostage, but the Parkers are not what they seem and soon the gang will be fighting for their lives.

This movie goes so many places you don’t see it going, including cannibals and monsters.  It’s a Don Dohler film and I much prefer his sci-fi movies. I read an interview with George Stover, who said Dohler didn’t like his movies to have nudity, gore or extreme violence, but he put those in this one because the investors were pushing him.

Ridiculous dialogue

Where are you from?

Where they don’t ask any questions.

Now Mr. Winston, did you happen to see his shoes?

The days of video stores where the
movie you want might already be rented

The Parkers won’t be hostages for long. 

Another video store shot for nostalgia

The lead robber in his Kim Carnes tour tshirt

Rizzo the sad sack

Amityville Vampire (2021)

aka Red Moon Lake

When a clean up crew goes to the Amityville house, the ceiling drips blood on one of the women. Unlike a normal person who would wipe it off, she lets it roll down her face and when it gets on her lips, she licks it off.  Then she turns into a vampire. There’s no rhyme or reason for this.

Meanwhile in the woods, a man tries to pressure a woman into having sex.  When she declines and says her friend told her he was a nice guy, he becomes hostile. Inexplicably she apologizes to him. He drives off and leaves her in the woods. She’s attacked by a vampire. Sigh

Cut to Johnny, a producer who used to be a DJ and was known for his promiscuous behavior. He’s got the maturity of a sixteen year old.  His girlfriend Fran is a doormat, while her sister Melissa is aggressive and antagonistic. When Fran says she thinks Johnny may propose, Melissa tells her he’s a loser and if she marries him her life will be ruined.

Johnny and Fran have no chemistry and their repartee sounds like two people at a party who are overtly trying to be charming but failing.  While they drive to a campsite for the weekend, Johnny tells Fran legends about Red Moon Lake. The first is about an office worker staying late who meets the owner. Even though there seems to be sexual harassment going on, she accepts an invitation for Thanksgiving. You know what that means. Vampire.

The second story is about a man whose wife is very sick.  There is a knock on the door and a woman says she can cure his wife. And oh by the way, she’s also revived his dead daughter. Even though the man knows creatures of the night are around, and the woman says he must invite her in, he prays for a sign if he should let her help his wife.  He’s an idiot and before you know it, vampire.

So we already know Johnny and Fran aren’t going to have a great time at the lake. Plus Johnny isn’t really marriage material, what with signing a fans bazooms while Fran is using a restroom, and then gaslighting her when she’s not happy about it. 

This is bottom of the barrel.  The audio usually sounds like it’s far away. It’s like listening to people  standing outside your house talking. Sometimes it sounds normal for a line or part of a scene, but mostly it’s distractingly distant.  The sound effects often almost drown out the dialogue. Also the lighting is so harsh, it reveals the actors complexion issues, pimples, and wrinkles. While none of the acting is that great, some of it is downright horrible.

Dialogue from lame characters

Fran: Would you just let me live my own life?

Melissa: No problem. Go ahead and ruin it.  Don’t come crying to me when that little marriage of yours ends in divorce.

Now I’m going to die at Red Moon Lake.  Why do I always make the wrong decisions?

Johnny: I didn’t do anything.

Fran: You signed her breasts and you didn’t do anything?

Johnny: I can’t help what my fans want.

Amityville Hex (2021)

A bunch of vloggers recite the Amityville hex, become unhinged and die.  The movie’s comprised of vlog footage and one short Zoom birthday meet up. None of the vloggers interact in real life. They just sit alone and talk to their cameras. 

The movie fills time by having each character recite the hex. After the first one or two did it, each characters could have mentioned they’d said hex and we’d get it. For the majority of the film, nothing happens except people talking. They’re not all that interesting and the acting isn’t good. 

In one scene a vlogger cuts a pentagram into her arm while repeatedly muttering the same thing over and over. Then she advances on her boyfriend with a knife. Does the boyfriend try to stop her from harming herself? No, he keeps filming. Does he try to protect himself from the knife? Of course not. He couldn’t film if he stopped her from stabbing him.

This is not good. It has no entertainment value. Maybe they enjoyed making it, but it’s brutal to watch.  If it had been a ten minute film it could have gotten the same points across. There are cameos by George Stover and Lloyd Kaufman. The cover has nothing to do with the movie and nothing like that happens. Avoid this one. 

Annoying dialogue

Don’t forget to like and subscribe.

George Stover deserves better

The Zoom birthday party is as exciting as it gets

Her nails are claws

Most of the movie consists of shots like this

Amityville in Space (2022)

Well you knew it had to happen at some point. Everything else has gone to space, so why not the Amityville house?  Father Benna tries to get rid of the evil in Amityville, but when he fails,  the house blasts off and ends up in outer space. Yup. 

Cut to the year 3015. The deep space cruiser Wyoming has a mission to seek out and destroy rogue black holes. The crew have one more missile and are looking forward to going home after this last task. 

But wait, what’s this? The Amityville house and a pentagram?  While the crew just want to complete their mission, according to the  Captain space law dictates they must check out the house.  They transport their cyborg Vox in to look around. Vox - who does not have a cyborg costume - stops responding after a few transmissions.  So in true Star Trek fashion, the Captain and chief medical officer transport in. There’s something hilarious about seeing them materialize in a small dining room.

The Captain and Medical Officer find Vox dead and the Father in a closet, somehow having survived for thousands of years.  Now it’s up to them to fight a villain that looks like something out of GI Joe.

Low budget filmmaking brings with it many problems, and this certainly has plenty. But I did enjoy the  following:

1. The reflection of the cameraman, tripod and another person in Vox’s face plate
2. The reflection of the lights in several scenes where there are windows
3. The spaceship walls made of Mylar that move as characters walk by and reflect lighting
4. The hazmat/fire proof outfit doubling for a cyborg costume
5. Space guns which appear to be nerf guns painted red

If you know the Polonia brothers work, you know what you’re in for with this one. I was actually going to avoid it, but someone on a bad movie forum mentioned the cyborg didn’t even have a cyborg costume, more just a flame retardant outfit. I laughed so hard I decided to watch it. He was my favorite part.

While this wasn’t good, it was better than I expected.  I’ve noticed that recent films by Polonia brothers seem to be giving them titles which will automatically attract bad movie viewers, such a Sharkula. 

I have mixed feelings about the Polonias. Their movies are dreadful. Yet I like that Mark enjoys making movies so much he is still churning them out, even with the questionable acting, incoherent plots, and low grade effects in each one.  His work is primitive, but creativity is something that you should pursue if you enjoy it. It’s not about what others think, but how you feel about what you’re creating.

Ridiculous dialogue

Space law dictates we have to investigate the derelict.

I need you here in case we have to launch a retaliatory strike against the pentagram.

Space pressure must be affecting his sensors.

Did you see that? The door shut on its own.

Why do you have to ruin someone’s fun with your analytic logic?

Thanks to your service, space is safe for exploration and colonization.

Space Cruser Wyoming, Pentagram, Black Hole, Amityville House

The Amityville house has a Martha Stewart sign on the wall?

Seeing them transport into a middle class dining room is hilarious

The cyborgs face plate reflects the cameraman,
tripod and other crew member

This looked like claymation

The villain

The Mylar walls of the space ship

Cyborg Vox in all his glory