Kick of Death

This mishmash of cliches has kickboxer Shane McQuade entering a tournament in Hong Kong.  His opponent is so confident that he fights while chomping a cigar and wearing sunglasses. The fight is rigged, but Shane decides he’s not going to take a dive because they insulted his manager. So a bunch of bad people lose a lot of money. 

Shane’s manager Paulie is a drunk with a huge mullet.  He tells Shane he made a mistake, but Shane thinks no one will come after him since he’s now their champion fighter. 

When the thugs seek revenge, Paulie is mortally wounded and Shane is literally stabbed in the back. He runs off none the worse for wear and decides he needs to get out of Hong Kong now. Shane lacks basic geographical knowledge of the US since since he isn’t sure if Los Angeles is near Las Vegas.

When Shane hitches a ride, he is picked up by a man who eventually says he recognizes him due to the prior murders.  Oh you didn’t know Shane had previously killed people? Then the guy pulls over and asks Shane to get something out of his trunk. It turns out to be a body, which he instructs Shane to carry into the desert and dig a hole for himself and the body.  The man surely regrets this plan as Shane starts beating him to death with his own shovel. 

Surprisingly the Hong Kong martial arts scene is front page news in Los Angeles.  Trying to keep a low profile, he starts calling himself Vinnie and heads to Vegas where he meets up with Jason, a friend he hasn’t seen in years who is married to his ex.  Shane gets a job as a bouncer and starts sleeping with one of the dancers.  But his past catches up to him and there is kickboxing and shoot outs. Hurrah.

This movie is sometime amusing and other times boring.  The soundtrack can best be described as interesting and often not applicable to what is happening on screen.  The fight scenes are slow moving, both literally and figuratively.  Some of the kicks or punches are two feet above their heads.  IMDB says the budget was $15,000 and was made in thirteen days.  

Oh Storm, how do we tell you the fights are lame

Nothing like wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar in a fight

King of mullets

Our hero who has murdered people

The shootout in the Astro van

Boom mic alert

Cinderella Curse (2024)

Cinderella, aka Ella, is a slave for her stepmother and stepsisters. She is beaten and abused on a daily basis, and the only kindness she knows is from another servant and her son. After Ella’s stepmother and stepsisters beat the servant almost to death, they force Ella to deliver the death blow and dispose of the body. 

The only bright spot in Ella’s life is the prince has asked her to the ball.  Her stepmother is furious since she wants one of her own daughters to be the prince’s date and Ella is forbidden to go.

When Ella finds an old book, her fairy godmother appears and offers her three wishes.  This isn’t the godmother of the typical Cinderella fairy tale, but a faceless goon looking for payback for the wishes. 

Ella gets dressed up, heads to the ball and dances with the prince.  But she quickly learns it was all a prank as the prince throws her to the ground and spits on her. The crowd laughs at Ella for thinking a prince could love her, and the prince encourages everyone to spit on and beat her. 

At this point the clock strikes midnight and Ella realizes she has one final wish.  If you guessed it’s revenge, you’d be correct. Thus starts a blood bath with the godmother and her minions, as well as Ella going Carrie on those who’ve wronged her.

This is a miserable movie about miserable people. They play it as if they are doing Shakespeare, but it’s so far from it. The score is distracting rather than adding tone to the scene. For an ITN movie, the production values are better than usual. However there are numerous haircuts that do not match the time period, as electric lamps throughout the castle and ballroom. 

The guy in the fade destroys any semblance of the time period

The modern lamp

Another modern lamp with a cord

There appears to be a light switch on the wall

Jack and Jill 3 (2023)

It’s been ten years since the last murders so Wendy feels safe to meet her teacher alone in the hills. This is unfortunate since her professor is a predator and the lack of murders seems to have been misstated.  The characters are dispatched and never spoken of again.

Over on another hill, the Bloody Bones reality show meets with their  seven contestants who need to spend 48 hours in Jack and Jill country. Their first task is to go into the hills to find Jill’s book.  How do they know about the book, and is it actually possible to find it?

When some of the contestants aren’t comfortable with splitting up and roaming the hills, the host threatens no agents will want to work with them if they don’t do what they’re told. I’m not sure how that’s a viable threat since none of them are actors.

One contestant is a true crime enthusiast and tells everyone there is definitely nothing to fear. She reiterates her knowledge of the case and that there have been no murders for ten years. So why all the missing posters? They obviously aren’t ten years old. It seems murder would be the first thought if people are still going missing.

At one point the hosts pretend to be Jack and Jill, hoping to get reactions from the contestants.  When the contestants attack them, the hosts call them idiots.  But it seems more the other way around.

Once again like in the first two movies, the biggest question about Jack and Jill is why do they talk like cavemen? They were around 10 years old when they went into the hills. It’s not like they’d lose their vocabulary and speech patterns.  

It’s a low budget, barely watchable movie.  Watch for the most lack luster choking with a phone cord ever. The phone on the table doesn’t even move. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Only people with a death wish would dare spend the night at Newberry Hill.

The best tv comes from the people who don’t know they’re on it.

I will remind you all that if you don’t abide by the contracts that you all willingly signed, we may have to take legal actions.

Agents and professionals like us won’t want to work with you if you don’t play right.

Missing posters taped to a rock

The camera is reflected in her glasses

Why are missing posters on the chimney inside the house?

This is why you don’t give everyone a camera

Scarred to Death (2024)

Film student Marina answers an ad for a videographer and as a safety precaution, brings some friends with her. She never considers one way to be safe is tell the guy you’re bringing your film crew and see if he tries to pressure her to come alone or cancels the meeting.

They meet Stan, whose seventeen year old son committed suicide in the woods. He wants to hire Marina to get proof that something supernatural killed his son or forced him to take his life. If they accept the job, he’ll give Marina $500 up front. If she gets something supernatural on film, he’ll pay her an additional $5000. 

Marina agrees and as they’re driving away her friends say they should fake a supernatural experience to get the $5000.  As a documentary film student, Marina says it goes against her ethics, but she’s willing to do it. Marina may as well kiss her documentary career goodbye.  Also what sort of animals take advantage of a grieving father, and film themselves discussing defrauding him? 

The group plans to camp overnight in the woods and have another friend play a spirit, complete with greasepaint and a sheet draped over her.  But things don’t go as planned.  You won’t care what happens to anyone.

After watching the movie, I’m not sure if the title was supposed to be Scared to Death and they misspelled scared as scarred. There is no scarring in the movie, and the only mention of a scar is one that disappeared. So… not a scar at all.

The description on IMDB says it is about “a beautiful documentary filmmaker.”  It seems really weird to include the attractiveness of the character in the description of the movie.  The beauty, or lack thereof, of a character in a found footage movie doesn’t matter.  Plus beauty is subjective.

The best description of the movie is one I saw on Reddit, which made me want to see it. They described the movie as a “community theater version of Blair Witch made by a group of people who had heard about it, but never seen it.”

Ridiculous dialogue

As a documentarian, faking something goes against my ethics, but a grand would go a long way in getting my thesis film in an actually decent place.

Maria: It will be ok.

Chloe: Ok? You keep saying everything will be ok. Do you now what that stands for? It’s from an old war. The generals would report a battle scene. They say this when there are zero kills. Ok. Doesn’t apply to this situation at all. 

I had a scar on my forehead for years.

You thought you could turn me into a drug addicted criminal and get away with it?

Night Killer (1990)

A group of questionable dancers are interrupted by one of their troop who is late.  The choreographer says this is the last time she’s going to be late, which proves to be true when the dancer is killed in the dressing room. The killer wears a creepy mask, has a glove with long claws and is able to punch her heart through her body. 

The maniac’s next target is Melanie, but she manages to survive.  The police question her but she can’t remember what the man looks like. She doesn’t remember a lot of things, including her daughter. 

Once released from the hospital, Melanie is followed by a creepy guy named Axel. She manages to get away, but he tracks her down at the beach and holds her hostage in a hotel until she loses her mind and hopes to die. So much of this movie is unpleasant to watch.

There is a confusing scene when Melanie is introduced. A man knocks on her door and Melanie sends her child off with him. He walks down the street to another woman’s house. Then the child and woman drive off together. Who are these people? Is that the child’s father? Why didn’t they just pick her up in the car? Does Melanie not want her child to be alone with this woman?  We don’t know until later when it’s revealed the couple are friends of her and her husband.

This movie was made by the guy who did Troll 2. It is half hilarious and half yucky. The women being assaulted and held hostage is hard to watch. The enjoyable parts were the confusing scenes where I struggled to make sense of what was going on, and the odd acting choices.

The out of sync dancers

The police phone with packing tape around the cord and bottom

Continuity -  hair pulled back and blue scarf…

…hair down and no scarf

The Christmas Spirit (2023)

For the past twenty years Cole has carried the guilt of not helping his younger sister Carol put up the Christmas lights, which led to her falling a ladder and hanging herself.  As an adult, Cole has gotten nowhere. It doesn’t help that since Carol’s death he’s been followed by a Christmas spirit dressed as a luchador.

The spirit tells Cole he must make a sacrifice to be forgiven and be free.  Cole isn’t sure what to do until he sees Maggie, who looks just like his late sister.  The luchador convinces Cole if he sacrifices Maggie, both of them will be set free. But how to get her in his van?

After interacting with her at the mall while dressed as Santa, Maggie declines getting in his van. He follows her and her friend as they walk home and when she’s alone he approaches her.  Since Maggie is fighting with her mom, who recently split up the family by having an affair, Maggie decides to punish her by posting on social media that she’s been kidnapped. Cole is glad to help and ties her in the back of his van.

Once Maggie figures out she truly was kidnapped, her friend starts trying to figure out her location.  The young toughs they met at the mall decide to help also. 

This is an odd film since it seems to be for teens, yet Cole’s character is unsettling.

The only Christmas movie with a luchadore

Krispr (2023)

Eli has spent the past seven years working on creating a clone and is excited when his dreams come to fruition.  Worried about leaving her alone after her first day of life, he takes Krispr from the lab to his family’s weekend Christmas gathering. His wife is not amused.

The family is gracious and welcoming, but privately agree it’s weird. They don’t believe he should not have brought the clone, especially since he favors the clone over his wife Chloe. Krispr is an attractive adult and Eli is very doting on her. Chloe thinks Krispr is trying to drive a wedge between them and wants him all to herself.

Since Krispr doesn’t need to sleep, Eli leaves her in front of the tv to amuse herself.  The next night Eli gives her access to the internet. When Chloe expresses concern, Eli says it’s fine because there is a parental lock on it. Cut to Krispr watching nuclear blasts, riots, scandals, and the fall of the Twin Towers.

Krispr’s learning capabilities are amazing as she learns to read and grasp complex concepts over night. She’s also learned manipulation and is trying to destroy Eli’s marriage. When Chloe talks to Eli about the weird things Krispr is doing and saying, Eli blames Chloe and says she’s jealous of his success. 

When Eli gets a call from the lab on Christmas stating Krispr is missing, he says he needed to supervise her. His colleague counters she was already under supervision in the lab and Eli has no idea what Krispr might do. But Eli is stuck in his my creation is beautiful phase and shall hear no bad words about Krispr. That’s too bad since his dream for a Nobel prize has passed when he compromised protocol by removing her from a controlled environment.  Also Krispr is not who he thinks she is and there’s a world of hurt about to come down.

For a guy smart enough to create a clone, Eli is a dolt. He steals the clone from the lab even though there is no way to know if the clone is dangerous, or if he’s exposing the clone to something harmful. He brings it to his families Christmas, even though there is no good reason to do so. Then he has no idea why his wife is upset he’s so attentive to an attractive clone who is showing signs she wants Eli to herself. His wife seems sweet and his family loves her. Yet he’s going to take the clones side every time something happens, even though his wife has never done anything crazy before.

Dialogue which confirms Eli has lost perspective

Christian: Elijah, G4667 is gone. She’s not in the lab.

Elijah: I know. I know, Christian. I have her,

Christian: Are you insane?

Elijah: I had to keep her under observation, Christian.

Christian: She was under observation, Eli.

Smart enough to create clone but can’t handle his own hair

Santa Isn’t Real (2023)

A year after being attacked by Santa and left for dead, Nicki comes out of a coma to discover everyone thinks she tried to take her own life. Her boyfriend Nate and best friend Jess visit her in the hospital, but it’s obvious to everyone but Nicki something is going on between them.

The newly awakened Nicki decides she’s sick of the hospital and against the doctors advice, she goes home. She needs crutches for balance and is warned to stay on her meds.  

She must not have a good relationship with her family since she goes away for Christmas with her friends.  Nicki, Nate and Jess drive to a cabin where MJ has already arrived. When Nicki tries to set the record straight that Santa came down the chimney to kill her, no one believes her. You’d think they would give her the benefit of the doubt that it was a criminal in a Santa suit, but nope they think she did it to herself.

Nate and Jess are caught in bed by Nicki and everything starts going off the rails.  Not only is Nicki angry, but the killer Santa shows up.  Nicki disappears but no one is looking for her. MJ drives off in the car her friends drove up in to try to get help. Wait, she doesn’t have a car? How did she get there?

The movie is often dark and hard to see. Nate has no emotional range. He can’t even crawl convincingly. Santa’s voice is altered to the point I couldn’t understand him and to make it worse, he just drones on and on. He doesn’t need a knife because he could kill you with boredom.  That being said, even though it’s  below average, it’s still better than the majority of Christmas horror movies I saw this year. 

There’s a scene with a landline that feels like it was written by someone who has only used a landline in a hospital or corporation. When one of the kids asks how to use it, the other says dial 9. That is not normal when in a home. The 9 is used to get an outside line rather than an internal number and a house would not keep any calls inside the house

Some shots are so dark you can’t see what is going on

This is the most emotion Nick can muster

Werewolf Santa (2023)

After dropping out of college and getting fired from her job, Lucy heads home for the holidays and brings Dustin, even though he is clear they aren’t exclusive. Lucy considers herself a paranormal investigator and has had a YouTube channel for year, but barely has any followers. 

When Lucy and Dustin see a guy dressed as Santa attacked by a werewolf, they miss capturing it on video. Thus ensuring no one believes them, including her father who is the chief constable in town. Lucy goes in through the back door of the police station to look through their files. Nice to know the station either has no security or Lucy’s dad has allowed her to paw through confidential files to the point she knows how to access them.

Eventually Lucy, her parents, and her childhood friend Rupert are all trying to resolve the werewolf issues plaguing the town.  At one crime scene, Lucy states she’ll back up her dad.  Why do I feel like the local constables think Lucy is always overstepping but don’t say anything because her dad is in charge?

This is a hard one to get through. Lucy is so unlikeable.  She’s demanding, rude, and overall unpleasant. It’s also disconcerting that she looks the same age as her mother.  Also why is the chief constable an  American? It’s a got great title, but is not very entertaining. 

Lucy and her mom appear to be the same age

Lucy’s personality matches this expression

12 Slays of Christmas

Three women wearing outfits totally inappropriate for winter get lost in a storm and end up stranded at the home of an old weirdo. When  no one answers the door, they let themselves in and find a table full of food. The two brunettes start stuffing their faces. The blond woman appears to have pink eye and it’s uncomfortable to see.

This is not so much a movie as it is scenes from Full Moon movies disguised as stories the old man is telling. If you want to see clips of the puppets murdering people and love Full Moon, this might be for you. The best thing I can say about it is it’s relatively short at around forty minutes long.

Not gonna lie, this looks cool

She appears to have pink eye