Ghost Storm (2012)

When a group of teenagers, including the Sheriffs daughter Daisy, go to the cemetery during a storm, lightning cracks the memorial for the Sabbath Suicide victims.  Smoke comes out of the ground, swirls around one of the teens and turns him into a dead senior citizen.

The teens call the police but the cops don’t believe this corpse is really their friend.  When the victim’s father is brought to the coroners office to identify him, all that’s left is what appears to be ash.

After a policeman turns to ash in his cruiser near the vmemorial, the cops become more concerned and the Sheriff asks the mainland for help.  Before it arrives, paranormal investgator Greg shows up and says no one should show fear because ghosts feed on fear.  The island is full of PKE, aka psycho kinetic energy. Those wronged in this world seek to resolve their issues before going to the next and he feels like they’re seeking revenge.

Meanwhile Daisy and her boyfriend are searching through the church archives because they think it has something to do with the old priest and the Sabbath suicide, which was a group of people that sacrificed themselves - think Jonestown.  Daisy saw a vision in her phone and it turned out to be her great grandfather who she thinks is causing this.

In one of those moments when a character could easily explain something to another but doesn't, Daisy tells her Dad they found a diary in the church archives he needs to read. She gives no context to her plea and her Dad tells her to go home.

The storm of ghosts can get into houses by going under doors, or into cars by going through the vents. At one point, the ghost storm comes up through the drain in the kitchen sink. Daisy drives it away by using a fire extinguisher and then putting a stopper in the drain.  I can’t help but notice it’s a double sink.

Ridiculous dialogue

What you’re saying is we have a storm of spirits?

I know it sounds crazy, but salt water absorbs the dark energy of the spirits.

13 Eerie (2013)

Six college students studying forensic science are brought to an island where they are assigned to investigate a crime scene set up by their professor, Dr. Tomkins.  The students are competing for a prestigious internship, and the professor is known for being tricky in his tests.

Their destination is an old penitentiary known as Eerie Strait, on an island where the government used to experiment on prisoners. The professor sets up crime scenes using real bodies in three different areas, and everyone pairs off to find and investigate a crime scene.

Working with the professor is Larry, who will be chef and chauffeur. When two of three chickens disappear from the grill, Larry asks if someone else in on the island.  The professor can’t be bothered with such nonsense. Neither can he be bothered when one of his students says they’ve found a fourth body.  Nonsense, he says, there are only three bodies.  He’s a condescending jackass who never questions why there would be an additional body on the island. Why does he not trust the students competing for a coveted internship? Shouldn’t their skill level enable them to be able to identify a dead body?

Meanwhile no one is all that concerned about the sludge on barrels, or the lack of any animal sounds. And when the students start saying they saw someone dressed in orange in the woods, the professor tells them to grow up.  It does not go well for our intrepid forensic students.

The man who helped the professor set up told him he’ll be back the next morning because they need to get the bodies back to the morgue. So he’s borrowing bodies? Has anyone been to this island since the penitentiary shut down or the experiments stopped? You’d think someone would know not to go to this island.

The cover reminds me of Jason with his odd sized head as he came out of the water in the first Friday the 13th.

Lochness Horror (2023)

A small group is sent on a rescue mission to find a submarine that disappeared and figure out what happened to it. Part of the group has their own agenda and are hiding the real point of the mission.  While it may have been explained, I’m not clear how the two groups got involved or why they’d not want everyone to know what they were up against. 

There is a lot that doesn’t make sense, partly due to the writing and partly because it’s not exciting enough to hold your attention:

• They threaten to kill Willow when she says she doesn’t want to go down to check the wreckage, yet if they kill her, they’ve lost their diver
• One woman says her role is to take care of Willow but why does she need to be taken care of?
• This same woman starts crying under pressure which doesn’t bode well for Willow or anyone else
• They send Ava to figure out the power issue but have to explain what to look for as she has no idea what she’s doing
• The real mission is to document the Lochness monster, but based on the ship and submarine, they’re in the ocean, not in Loch Ness

There is a siren that wails through a lot of the movie and will drive you nuts. No one is very good at their job. It’s a massive ship, but there are only a few people on board running it. Also can one person really run a submarine? And when they get on the ship, one woman is wearing a crop top, but everyone else is in winter jackets. 

 

Last Amityville Movie (2023)

A YouTuber gets a package in the mail with a doorknob that ends up being from the Amityville house. Bad things start happening because it’s cursed.  That’s pretty much it.

This was made during the pandemic so it’s mostly one guy, and sometimes he’s talking to other people on Zoom. The weirdest thing that happens is he makes fresh baked cookies, but leaves them out on the counter overnight like an animal.

Plague of the Dead (2021)

Shot during the pandemic, it’s various people surviving a zombie apocalypse. Most of it is one person alone at a time filming themselves, or there’s a couple walking in a field.  When outside the empty landscape helps the mood, but ultimately it’s pointless. There’s almost no zombies in it, most of the footage is shot inside and dialogue appears to be improvised. It’s like a guy you worked with asked you to watch a movie he and his friends made. It’d be interesting for them, but not so much for you.

Amityville Backpack (2024)

The movie opens with a kid wearing a backpack. Something undefined happens and he explodes. I have no idea why or how. 

Then we meet Luther, an odd man who wants to ask for a raise. He psyches himself up but his boss, whose personality is his hat, says Luther isn’t any good.

Luther goes to a garage sale and inexplicably finds the exploding backpack. After purchasing it, he spends his drive home talking to the bag as if it’s a pet. This is going to be hard to watch. 

Later Luther calls his potential girlfriend. He’s so off putting it would be hard for him to get a date.  As they talk you can hear whichever of them isn’t in the shot as if it’s on a speaker or in another room nearby. 

And I gave up. It’s just too painful to watch. Luther never shuts up and he’s not interesting or amusing.

Dead Still (2014)

Brandon Davis inherits his grandfather’s estate, which includes an old camera his great grandfather used to do post mortem photography in the 1800s.  The great grandfather had some notoriety with exhibits of his photography and Brandon thinks perhaps using the camera will help him get noticed.

Brandon is estranged from his wife and his son Bobby goes to speech therapy because he doesn’t speak. Brandon doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, but I would argue not speaking when you’re a preteen signifies some issues. 

When he’s booked for a wedding, he brings his great grandfather's camera with him.  Bringing a massive stand up camera to a wedding is not practical. He’s got to bring chemicals, glass plates, and make sure they are not exposed to light or broken after exposure.  Does he have enough plates to make it worth while? How safe are the chemicals to have in a party setting? The care and handling seem excessive to use in this situation.

Weirdo Professor Jay McClaren is writing a book about Brandon’s great grandfather and reveals rumor has it, you’ll die if the camera takes your picture.  When Brandon looks at the pictures from the wedding, the bride and groom look like they’re melting.  He’s confused but thinks it’s a technical issue, not that he has a murderous camera. Because that would be insane.  The other photos from that night also look bad.

Brandon convinces his wife and son to let them take their photo at the old estate in Victorian clothing so it looks like the photos from his ancestors time.  When he later learns the bride and groom are dead, he tries to call his wife to warn her.  But in a typical indirect warning, when he gets her voicemail he asks her to call him, which doesn’t betray the urgency needed if you think someone might die.  Just once it would be nice to hear a message that hits all the points, such as hey this sounds crazy but my assistant died and I think the camera is cursed because the people whose photos I took at the wedding died too. Now I’m afraid for you so please call me as soon as you get this.

It’s not clear how his great grandfather was able to get away with this. Photography in the 1800s was a big deal since only photographers had cameras.  How did no one notice that a little girl went in for a photo and ended up dead?   And we won’t even talk about how Bobby ends up sucked inside the camera where his Dad needs to try to rescue him, and that he can speak in this alternate world.

Ridiculous dialogue

Professor Jay: Oh and Miss Monroe? I would stay away from that camera if I were you.

Ivy: Really. Why is that?

Professor Jay: Because a lot of people tend to die around it. Have a nice day. 

His wife always looks pained

Usually the wedding photographer doesn’t drink while working

All the wedding photos look like this

This is an ungainly set up to take to a wedding

This type of camera would show the photo upside down

He’s too old not to speak

The Madness of Humpty Dumpty (2023)

Bailee needs to relax so she brings her boyfriend Tom to her childhood home which is isolated and peaceful.  She fears she suffers from the same mental illness her mother did. Her worry intensifies when she starts seeing and hearing things after arriving at the house.  Tom is dismissive.

When she can’t find her pills, Tom says he’ll always be there to rescue her and hands her some capsules. Bailee says she takes tablets, but Tom tells her this is her normal medicine.  Is Tom gaslighting her or is she losing it?

When Bailee wants to leave because she doesn’t feel safe, Tom says she can leave if she wants, but he needs to stay to write his novel.  Well that turned quickly from always being there for her. Also it doesn’t make sense for her to leave him alone at her family home.

When Bailee was a kid, she was friends with the boy next door. But when she decided she would rather play with her doll than him, he jumped off a cliff.  His parents blame her for the death.  Tom’s lack of support for her trauma is once again on display as his phone buzzes with calls from his ex. Then she shows up at the house.  How did she find them? And why is Tom annoyed with Bailee for being upset at this unexpected development?

Most of the characters aren’t likeable and there’s not a lot of Humpty Dumpty in this, which is fine since he’s not that interesting. He’s an old life sized doll that spends most of his time sitting around doing nothing.

They didn’t so much bury him, as rest his coffin at the grave

The self incriminating to do list

Tom’s brilliant novel writing