Beyond the North Woods (2022)

Obnoxious YouTuber Paul and his camerawoman Angela head to Duluth, MN to investigate the paranormal and mysterious disappearances in the woods. They stay at a hotel and each get their own room. Someone keeps calling Angela’s phone over and over. When she answers it’s a weirdo who seems to be able to see into her room as he knows what she’s wearing and doing.

The next day Paul and Angela head to the woods and meet Jordan, a ranger who will guide them through the forest as they film their episode.  Jordan laughs anxiously at everything Paul says. The dialogue is awkward and I’m guessing it’s improvised since it’s so banal.

Jordan turns out to be the worst ranger ever. When they head back to the parking lot, she’s not sure which path to take and they end up lost. She has no idea where they are. Things go down hill from there.

I do appreciate the longs shots with no cuts, but listening to them prattle on inanely about nothing is tedious. This is mostly a couple of people walking through the woods. One who thinks a bit too much of himself and won’t shut up. And the other seems socially anxious and laughs too much.

Clawed (2017)

A terribly annoying, overly giddy podcaster interviews a former Sheriff and acts like she’s doing hard hitting journalism, but just comes off as insensitive. The Sheriff continues to talk to her smug face and tells her listeners to stay away from Bear Claw Mountain.  

Everyone in town knows there’s evil up in the mountains so they stay away. But then some random person online said the water had healing qualities and people began flocking to it.  It’s a huge mistake since there’s a big clawed monster ripping people to shreds.

Meanwhile a research group doing a geological survey checks in with the Sheriff. They need his consent to collect some samples. The Sheriff warns them about bears in the area, but most of the team are college kids so they don’t take him seriously. It doesn’t help that their leader is a wise ass.  

It’s not that interesting and no one is likeable. The best part is the foley in the scene with the podcaster and sheriff.  He takes a massive gulp of coffee and then you hear a loud ADR gulp which is hilarious.

Overly happy podcaster talking about a tragedy

The bad wig

Toxic waste? No need to be cautious

The Spore (2021)

When an idiot hears gunshots and screaming, instead of being cautious, he runs into the woods to investigate and cuts his leg. This is unfortunate since now he's infected by a spore, which he will be spreading to other unsuspecting individuals.

Twenty three minutes in and the only dialogue is from radio broadcasts heard by the characters. At fifty minutes, the sound goes out of sync. I’m not sure if it’s the streaming service or the film, but it seems par for the course.

The fungus is the most intelligent thing in the movie. People have no critical thinking or common sense.  Blood spurts in their face and they don’t clean it off.  Something threatening is near and they don’t shut the door. If you’re pulling out of the garage, but something runs across behind you, do you back out and use your headlights to illuminate the area, or do you get out of the car to check it out even though creepy weird things are happening around you? Everyone makes bad decisions. 

The Before Time (2014)

Two rival reporters are part of a reality show about the search for legendary Navajo treasure.  There’s lots of tension as Kimberly hates Cate, not only for taking her spot as the hot newswoman, but for  stealing her boyfriend Daniel, who is producing this mess.

As the group heads into the desert, they are warned the treasure is cursed and to turn around now.But Daniel is looking for ratings, the women are looking for a bigger career, and the interns just want experience. Also there is free booze.

No one is willing to be interviewed for the reality show. So they end up camping in the desert. A Native American says he’ll tell them about the treasure but they need to take Peyote first. I’m sure it will be fine to drug these people who don’t get along and are in the middle of nowhere with a stranger, and possibly spirits guarding the gold. And did we mention the eight headless bodies recently discovered, one of whom was clutching a gold coin?

When it turns out Daniel hired someone to interact with them to cause drama on the show, people stop knowing what is real and what is a set up. The funniest scene is where someone claims, “He’s an actor, not a thug!” when he is arguably the worst actor in the film, Is he supposed to be this bad, or is he really not an actor?

Ridiculous dialogue 

You ruined my life and now you’re ruined my shot.

He’s just a kid! [referring to the college student]

I’m not doing this. I can’t get my clothes bloody and still report.

The Barn 2 (2022)

Three years after Sam and Josh disappeared and Halloween was banned, the mayor decides to reinstate the holiday due to numerous complaints. The college sorority wants to have a fundraiser and a haunted attraction on Halloween would be perfect.

Michelle, who was with Sam and Josh the night they disappeared, volunteers to help Heather, Josh’s older sister, with organizing it.  The two think it would be a fitting tribute to the boys since they were the heart and soul of Halloween. 

The sorority is not allowed to have parties on campus, but Charlie, who works at the local video store, tells them about an old barn near the drive in.  The owner agrees to donate use for the night since it’s a fundraiser. They’ll just need to keep the generator full of gas so the power doesn’t go out. Also there is a well in basement with a fifty foot drop. The owner says he’ll board it up so no one falls down it.

The haunt has no shortage of patrons, but is not very well organized as the cast members seem to wander around. Also have the rooms seem to be geared towards titillation rather than being scary. If only they hadn’t required entrants to knock on the door, which legend says raises the monsters in the well.

The movie cut to black whenever there was a kill, which I thought was a gimmick of some sort. But after I read some reviews, I realized I saw a family friendly, censored version, which also explains the blank spots in dialogue whenever anyone cursed.  I’ve read there were practical effects used, which I’d much rather see than cgi, but I didn’t see any since I saw the censored version.  

If they had not identified the time period as 1992, the only way you’d know it’s an earlier time period is the video store and no cell phones.  I don’t know whether it was their makeup or their true age, but some of the sorority sisters looked old enough to have college age children. I would have liked to see the movie concentrate on Josh and Sam since they were the main characters in the original, but I supposed this leaves it open for a part three.  The movie has cameos by people such as Joe Bob Briggs and Lloyd Kaufman.  It’s okay for what it is and if you liked the first one, you’ll probably Ike this one too.

The bad wig

Walls right out of the Brady Bunch

Loved the video store

Kick of Death (1997)

This mishmash of cliches has kickboxer Shane McQuade entering a tournament in Hong Kong.  His opponent is so confident that he fights while chomping a cigar and wearing sunglasses. The fight is rigged, but Shane decides he’s not going to take a dive because they insulted his manager. So a bunch of bad people lose a lot of money. 

Shane’s manager Paulie is a drunk with a huge mullet.  He tells Shane he made a mistake, but Shane thinks no one will come after him since he’s now their champion fighter. 

When the thugs seek revenge, Paulie is mortally wounded and Shane is literally stabbed in the back. He runs off none the worse for wear and decides he needs to get out of Hong Kong now. Shane lacks basic geographical knowledge of the US since since he isn’t sure if Los Angeles is near Las Vegas.

When Shane hitches a ride, he is picked up by a man who eventually says he recognizes him due to the prior murders.  Oh you didn’t know Shane had previously killed people? Then the guy pulls over and asks Shane to get something out of his trunk. It turns out to be a body, which he instructs Shane to carry into the desert and dig a hole for himself and the body.  The man surely regrets this plan as Shane starts beating him to death with his own shovel. 

Surprisingly the Hong Kong martial arts scene is front page news in Los Angeles.  Trying to keep a low profile, he starts calling himself Vinnie and heads to Vegas where he meets up with Jason, a friend he hasn’t seen in years who is married to his ex.  Shane gets a job as a bouncer and starts sleeping with one of the dancers.  But his past catches up to him and there is kickboxing and shoot outs. Hurrah.

This movie is sometime amusing and other times boring.  The soundtrack can best be described as interesting and often not applicable to what is happening on screen.  The fight scenes are slow moving, both literally and figuratively.  Some of the kicks or punches are two feet above their heads.  IMDB says the budget was $15,000 and was made in thirteen days.  

Oh Storm, how do we tell you the fights are lame

Nothing like wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar in a fight

King of mullets

Our hero who has murdered people

The shootout in the Astro van

Boom mic alert

Cinderella Curse (2024)

Cinderella, aka Ella, is a slave for her stepmother and stepsisters. She is beaten and abused on a daily basis, and the only kindness she knows is from another servant and her son. After Ella’s stepmother and stepsisters beat the servant almost to death, they force Ella to deliver the death blow and dispose of the body. 

The only bright spot in Ella’s life is the prince has asked her to the ball.  Her stepmother is furious since she wants one of her own daughters to be the prince’s date and Ella is forbidden to go.

When Ella finds an old book, her fairy godmother appears and offers her three wishes.  This isn’t the godmother of the typical Cinderella fairy tale, but a faceless goon looking for payback for the wishes. 

Ella gets dressed up, heads to the ball and dances with the prince.  But she quickly learns it was all a prank as the prince throws her to the ground and spits on her. The crowd laughs at Ella for thinking a prince could love her, and the prince encourages everyone to spit on and beat her. 

At this point the clock strikes midnight and Ella realizes she has one final wish.  If you guessed it’s revenge, you’d be correct. Thus starts a blood bath with the godmother and her minions, as well as Ella going Carrie on those who’ve wronged her.

This is a miserable movie about miserable people. They play it as if they are doing Shakespeare, but it’s so far from it. The score is distracting rather than adding tone to the scene. For an ITN movie, the production values are better than usual. However there are numerous haircuts that do not match the time period, as electric lamps throughout the castle and ballroom. 

The guy in the fade destroys any semblance of the time period

The modern lamp

Another modern lamp with a cord

There appears to be a light switch on the wall

Jack and Jill 3 (2023)

It’s been ten years since the last murders so Wendy feels safe to meet her teacher alone in the hills. This is unfortunate since her professor is a predator and the lack of murders seems to have been misstated.  The characters are dispatched and never spoken of again.

Over on another hill, the Bloody Bones reality show meets with their  seven contestants who need to spend 48 hours in Jack and Jill country. Their first task is to go into the hills to find Jill’s book.  How do they know about the book, and is it actually possible to find it?

When some of the contestants aren’t comfortable with splitting up and roaming the hills, the host threatens no agents will want to work with them if they don’t do what they’re told. I’m not sure how that’s a viable threat since none of them are actors.

One contestant is a true crime enthusiast and tells everyone there is definitely nothing to fear. She reiterates her knowledge of the case and that there have been no murders for ten years. So why all the missing posters? They obviously aren’t ten years old. It seems murder would be the first thought if people are still going missing.

At one point the hosts pretend to be Jack and Jill, hoping to get reactions from the contestants.  When the contestants attack them, the hosts call them idiots.  But it seems more the other way around.

Once again like in the first two movies, the biggest question about Jack and Jill is why do they talk like cavemen? They were around 10 years old when they went into the hills. It’s not like they’d lose their vocabulary and speech patterns.  

It’s a low budget, barely watchable movie.  Watch for the most lack luster choking with a phone cord ever. The phone on the table doesn’t even move. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Only people with a death wish would dare spend the night at Newberry Hill.

The best tv comes from the people who don’t know they’re on it.

I will remind you all that if you don’t abide by the contracts that you all willingly signed, we may have to take legal actions.

Agents and professionals like us won’t want to work with you if you don’t play right.

Missing posters taped to a rock

The camera is reflected in her glasses

Why are missing posters on the chimney inside the house?

This is why you don’t give everyone a camera

Scarred to Death (2024)

Film student Marina answers an ad for a videographer and as a safety precaution, brings some friends with her. She never considers one way to be safe is tell the guy you’re bringing your film crew and see if he tries to pressure her to come alone or cancels the meeting.

They meet Stan, whose seventeen year old son committed suicide in the woods. He wants to hire Marina to get proof that something supernatural killed his son or forced him to take his life. If they accept the job, he’ll give Marina $500 up front. If she gets something supernatural on film, he’ll pay her an additional $5000. 

Marina agrees and as they’re driving away her friends say they should fake a supernatural experience to get the $5000.  As a documentary film student, Marina says it goes against her ethics, but she’s willing to do it. Marina may as well kiss her documentary career goodbye.  Also what sort of animals take advantage of a grieving father, and film themselves discussing defrauding him? 

The group plans to camp overnight in the woods and have another friend play a spirit, complete with greasepaint and a sheet draped over her.  But things don’t go as planned.  You won’t care what happens to anyone.

After watching the movie, I’m not sure if the title was supposed to be Scared to Death and they misspelled scared as scarred. There is no scarring in the movie, and the only mention of a scar is one that disappeared. So… not a scar at all.

The description on IMDB says it is about “a beautiful documentary filmmaker.”  It seems really weird to include the attractiveness of the character in the description of the movie.  The beauty, or lack thereof, of a character in a found footage movie doesn’t matter.  Plus beauty is subjective.

The best description of the movie is one I saw on Reddit, which made me want to see it. They described the movie as a “community theater version of Blair Witch made by a group of people who had heard about it, but never seen it.”

Ridiculous dialogue

As a documentarian, faking something goes against my ethics, but a grand would go a long way in getting my thesis film in an actually decent place.

Maria: It will be ok.

Chloe: Ok? You keep saying everything will be ok. Do you now what that stands for? It’s from an old war. The generals would report a battle scene. They say this when there are zero kills. Ok. Doesn’t apply to this situation at all. 

I had a scar on my forehead for years.

You thought you could turn me into a drug addicted criminal and get away with it?