Amsterdamned (1988)

Something is coming out of the canals of Amsterdam.    People are being snatched off the streets, row boats are being tipped, and the hull of a large boat is destroyed so it will sink  - all for the purpose of murder.

Eric Vissar, one of the best detectives on the force, is assigned to the case.  When Eric goes to the scene of the first murder, a bag lady tells them that a monster came out of the canal and killed the victim.  Eric takes this with a grain of salt, but after a second body is found floating in the canal, he  starts to wonder if the killer might be a skin diver.

What makes this movie better than most is the location, especially an incredible boat chase through the canals of the city. Also there is a crazy scene with a corpse hanging from a bridge, where the boat full of screaming children can't stop before they hit it. So the corpse drags down the glass topped boat as those inside scream in terror.

King Cohen: The Wild World of Filmmaker Larry Cohen (2017)

The story of Larry Cohen is pretty amazing. He's written tons of movies, loads of television scripts, and done some directing as well.   This guy did incredible guerilla film making on the streets of New York without permits and did things that nowadays would probably get you shot. He put his cameras up high so people on the streets wouldn't know he was shooting a film.

Cohen is a good interview, although he may not always be truthful.  Listening to Fred Williamson talk about the discrepancy in Cohen's story versus what really happened is amusing. And while I totally believe Williamson, it still leaves Cohens story as an endearing tale by a guy who truly enjoys what he does.

This guy is amazing and continues to write all the time. I didn't realize all the movies and tv shows he'd written that I was familiar with. This is an entertaining documentary and offers insight into how he works.

Deadly Detention (2017)

It's as if they watched the Breakfast Club and said, what if we make all the characters unlikeable, make the dentention in a place where they can't escape, and have someone try to kill them.

Five kids are given detention in an old prison because there is an animal infestation at the school. The principal is supervising detention and there is animosity between her and some of the students.  When she is killed, the others fear that they will be next and try to figure out how to escape. That's all there is to it.

This isn't very good, but the thing that drove me insane was that the skateboarder can barely stand up on her board. Seriously, either ditch the skateboard or hire an actress who at a minimum can push off and balance on the board.

Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)

Reporter Chase and his camerawoman are inside the quarantine zone trying to get the scoop on the latest zombie outbreak. The government is dispensing Zombrex to those who are infected. But something goes wrong and people start to turn.

Everyone starts running for their lives, and Chase gets separated from his cameraperson.  As more people start to turn, Chase has to figure out how to get to the edge of the quarantine zone where the military control the exit.

Unknown to the survivors, the military have been told to shut the gate and not let anyone leave. There is fear of the virus spreading outside the quarantine  zone.  Even those who appear to be fine are left inside to fend for themselves.

Chase teams up with two survivors in a bid to escape.. But along with zombies, there is a gang of bikers who are not going to help anyone but themselves - and they are pretty excited about looting and killing.

Nothing special or new about this one.

The Lost Empire (1984)

When her cop brother is killed by robotic ninjas while investigating a robbery,  policewoman Angel vows to make whoever was behind the robbery pay.  Her boyfriend Rick works at the FBI and word is that it has something to do with an undead wizard named Lee Chuck and someone named Dr. Sin Do.

Sin Do has a yearly fighting competition at his island estate and only trios are allowed to enter.  This way it will keep spies from sneaking into the competition.  It is obvious that their logic is extremely flawed.

Angel recruits a Native American woman and a female prisoner  fresh out of a mud wrestling fight in the prison yard to make up their team of three. They travel to the island to compete, go through a rigorous screening process which involves pointless nudity, and compete in many lame events.  And just when you think this movie can't get any sillier, here comes a guy in a gorilla suit.

This movie is ridiculous and is fun to watch with other people. Angel wears shiny, sparkly, skin tight body suits.  Some characters voices are unnaturally high.  The ninjas seem to be supernatural when the store owner tries to shoot them, but when the cops arrive, the cops can shoot them.  Angel forgets her purse on top of the car when going to the island.  And to top it off, a woman on one of the other teams turns out to be a spy, which proves the rules about only trios entering is totally useless.

Get ready to hear music that starts with three notes that will drive you crazy trying to figure out what it sounds like.  It sounds like the first three notes of the Six Million Dollar Man theme.  My friends thought it sounded like the song Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts.  And yeah, it sounds like that too.

Also watch for the lack of continuity in Koro's eyebrows.  First they look like caterpillars glued to his face. Then they are normal eyebrows. Then they are back to caterpillars.  It was so noticeable that at one point, I found myself wondering if it was supposed to be two different characters.

You Might Be The Killer (2018)

Chuck is working her job at the comic book store when her friend Sam calls up in a panic.  Sam's family owns a summer camp and he's the head counselor.   He and the other counselors have been getting the camp read for the arrival of the kids.

But things have gone horribly wrong and someone is killing the counselors.  Sam's afraid he's going to be the next to die and since Chuck is a horror movie fan, he figures she can help him figure out the killers next move.

Chuck urges Sam to stay calm and asks him questions to get an idea of what he's seen and who's been murdered. But Sam is having trouble remembering things and his answers don't always  make sense.  As she probes deeper into the events of Sam's night, Chuck realizes that things may not be as they seem and she asks if Sam's considered that he may actually be the killer.  Chaos ensues.

This is a fun movie, although I didn't always like the way it jumped forward and backward in time.  Watching Sam struggle with the reality of what is going on and piecing together what's already happened is amusing.  The lead actor was the stoner in Cabin in the Woods and Chuck is played by the always likable Alison Hannigan, 

The Elf (2017)

After random scenes of a toymaker, we jarringly head to present day where a young woman enters a shop and is soon followed by a young man. Who are they? Do they own this shop? I mean, I assume it's a shop because the guy walked in a glass door and the interior looks like a second hand store.  Did the toy maker own a second hand store? What is going on?  There's no context.

It is later established that Nick and his girlfriend Victoria were at a toy shop. It is not clear how this is a toy shop since there was a severe lack of toys. I saw cards, Cd's, clothing, paper products, and old photographs -  everything except toys.

When Victoria finds photos of kids with dolls, she freaks out. The photos span a number of years and she believes it's the same toy in all the photos. I'm not sure why she'd make that assumption. If someone makes toy trains, and you see multiple kids over a span of 90 years with a toy train, you don't just scream, "oh my god the same train is in all these photos!" You assume they all have trains made by the same toymaker.

Nick goes into a dark room with a Christmas theme and finds a box with a cursed elf. Of course he does. Victoria talks on the phone to a friend and wonders where Nick is. There's discussion of a Christmas party so I guess it's Christmas time. But there's no snow and nothing yet to clue us in that it's the holiday season.

It's hard to tell what is going on in this film as there are only brief clues about who the characters are  and no exposition. At one point, Victoria says to her friend,"You know how Nick feels about this time of year. " No. No we don't. We don't have a clue about how Nick feels because no ones told us anything about him.  So is she saying he has issues with Christmas? If so, why is he in the Christmas room feeling an elf?

If Nick has holiday issues, then Victoria is extremely insensitive.  She's decorated the interior of their house with strings of Christmas lights, and has neglected to tell Nick she's decided to throw a Christmas party.  Christmas is important to her, so to hell with Nicks crippling anxiety and past trauma. She wants to see her family. Oddly she's also decided to invite people she's never met from the small town that Nick seems to despise. 

The other troubling aspect of this relationship is that they've only known each other three months, they're engaged and planning marriage.  If she's already indifferent to your feelings when she's still in the infatuation stage, you've got a long road ahead of you, Nick.

Victoria tells her friend she really doesn't know anything about Nick. What is going on? Why are you marrying this guy? And where is her friend located? She's telling Victoria to come home? And why does Victoria's family drive so far  to go to a party they don't even want to go to? Argh!

Okay it is confirmed that Nick hates Christmas. There was an incident when he was a child and now he's stuck in the middle of these family holiday festivities and her family seem to hate him, for reasons unexplained?  Holy crap, run Nick, run!

Another strange incident - carolers show up at the door to sing Xmas carols. When the family say thanks but no thanks, the lead caroler turns aggressive and nastily yells, "Hey we came a long way to be here." Hey jerk, you can't just show up unannounced on peoples lawns and then get mad at them for not meeting your needs. 

As things go from bad to worse, people start dying. At one point, Victoria calls her friend back home - which is strange since she should call 911 - and says there's a killer in the home. Her friends first question is, what does he look like. Seriously? And to make things stranger, the obnoxious friend is in the drive through while on the phone and is yelling at the person working the drive through to shut up.  Idiot, don't ever mess with people who make your food.

This movie is tough to get through and if you manage to stick it out, you will not be rewarded. Watch only if you're trying to watch every Christmas related horror film that exists.

House of the Witch (2017)

On Halloween night, a group of teenagers head to the abandoned mansion for a party.  The guys plan to scare the girls so one of them went over to the house that afternoon to prepare for when they get there.

The group parks down on the street rather than drive up the long driveway because they say they don't want the cops to notice.  This seems kind of odd since wouldn't the cops notice a truck parked on the street near the abandoned mansion? But not to worry, when they get inside, they turn on the lights so.... yeah, they could have parked at the front door.

Things start out fun but turn creepy very quickly.  One kid sees a photograph change, another sees a sheet on a chair change shape, and the phonograph starts after someone bumps into it. When someone gets injured, one of the girls decides to leave, but the front door won't open.

Here's a lesson for you kids. If you ever think that the surface of a mirror, or wall, or any solid item is not actually solid anymore, don't stick your freaking fingers into it.  Find an inanimate object to test your theory.

There isn't anything new in this and it's average at best. Watch for the ridiculous scene where kids hear someone coming and try to hide, but leave the flashlight on the iphone on, which would give them a way in a dark room - or even a slightly shady room.

Also there is one line that I can't believe got into the film.  Was the script wrong and no one noticed, or did the kid just mispronounce the word?  I can't believe no one caught this.  As the truck drives up to pick up the kids, one yells, "Here comes the calvary."  It's cavalry, dumbass.

Big Man Japan (2007)

A giant man fighting strange monsters? This must be fantastic! Nope, it's another misleading trailer that makes the movie seem more exciting than the slow paced, pseudo documentary that's delivered.

Masaru is a sad sack of a man. He lives in a small house with a stray cat.  He doesn't see his daughter much, his ex-wife doesn't think much of him, and he makes a meager living.  He can't  ever go on vacation because he never knows when he's going to get a call to action.

Masaru has the family honored role of Big Man Japan. When there is a monster causing havoc, the government calls him to take care of the problem.  Masaru then rides his scooter to the nearest electrical facility, goes through a ritual, and gets  electrocuted to grow into a towering giant who can take on the rampaging monster.

You'd think that people would appreciate his efforts, but they don't.  They're annoyed at the property damage and noise that the monster fights cause. And when a monster baby falls and dies during one of the fights, people turn against Masura and call him a baby killer.

It's a very strange movie and the monsters are ridiculous. But the lead character is very dull and most of the movie is him talking.  To get an idea of what it's like, imagine if The Office were almost two hours of the camera following Toby when he was at his most low key.