Valley of Death (1988)

 Aka Memorial Valley Massacre

A developer opens a camp ground, even though there’s no running water, the road isn’t complete and there was a death in a construction accident that morning.  The ranger doesn’t think it’s safe, but the developer thinks that’s a lame excuse to not make money from the rubes waiting to camp.

David, the developers estranged son, shows up to work. He’s the opposite of his father, is going to college and wants to do what’s right for the environment.  The ranger doesn’t cotton to no city boy telling him what to do, but David is just here to do his job and isn’t trying to question his authority.

The camp ground must have had good marketing. There’s a line of campers waiting to get in and a number of stock characters waiting to be murdered by what is essentially a caveman that’s been living in the area since he was a child. With no human interaction, he’s reverted to grunting rather than speaking, and wants everyone off of his land. 

As the deaths mount, some of the people leave in fear that an animal is on the loose.  But we’ve still got the featured characters left to meet their maker.  It’s kind of slow moving and you’ll wonder why the caveman has unruly hair, yet is clean shaven.

Vaudevillian dialogue

Teen: Does he look sorta like you?

Chuck: Why yes.

Teen: Sorta dumpy and stupid?

Chuck: Now wait a minute

Rick: Kind fat and weird?

The Prey (1983)

Three couples go on a weekend camping trip. They check in at the park to get their permits and then hike deep into the woods.  The girls talk about how romantic this trip will be, while the guys talk about scoring. 

When they stop for a short break, Gayle says her feet hurt and boyfriend Greg tells her she should have broken in her new boots before the hike. Gayle is not amused. However she is obsessed with how she looks and opts to stay behind to continue brushing her hair rather than leave with the others.

When Gayle catches up too group, she says there was something in the woods following her, but the others don't believe her. Sadly Gayle’s boyfriend pays the price for not protecting her, even though she’s the one who told him to leave while she finished her hair. 

The first night they sit around the fire telling stories and eating marshmallows.  After they go to bed. Gayle hears a noise in the woods and Greg thinks it may be Skip pulling another prank.  Gayle isn’t sure since she heard noises earlier in the day. You’d think that Greg would check to see if Skip was at the campsite, but instead he tramps off into the woods.  

At day break, there is no sign of Gayle, Greg or their belongings.  Nancy is concerned but the others think the couple either went back to the ranger station, or will catch up with them later.  They pin a note to a tree and move out.

Cut to Rangers Mark and Lester having lunch  Lester tells Mark that fifteen years ago there was a horrible forest fire in the mountains. Some gypsies living in the caves were burned to a crisp.  When Lester went up to help with the reseeding, he saw a burned boy who scampered away into the forest.  Lester has never told anyone about this, but he really should have.  Maybe get him some medical attention? So we know where this is headed as Ranger Mark goes out the door to see if he can find the animal that killed two middle aged campers.

Apparently there are two versions of this movie.  The one I saw was the theatrical release which was 80 minutes. There was a home video version that clocks in at 97 minutes. It cut out some scenes and added an origin story and gypsy back story.

The theatrical version has a ton of padding. I would not be surprised if almost half of it was nature stock footage.  There are also plenty of scenes with no dialogue and one cut away to the ranger playing a banjo. Why? 

Gayle should not be on this trip.  Combing her hair is more important then hiking with the group. Later she puts on lipstick and cranks her radio up while Greg asks her to turn it off and appreciate nature. At one point Skip mentions that Gayle must be dating Greg because his father is rich. Because a pretty girl like Gayle could never like a geek wearing short shorts. 

This is a slow paced movie.  It’s nature shots, the group walking, occasional dialogue, and the only deaths in the first hour are the two campers at the beginning.  The most interesting thing about the movie is that Lester is played by Jackie Coogan, who played Uncle Fester on the Addams Family tv show.

Amusing dialogue

Stop it, you octopus!

Look girls, it’s hunky Ranger Mark

Gayle choosing to stay behind for her hair

Popeye

Why did we cut to the Ranger playing a banjo?

Margaux (2022)

Drew and his friends rent a house for vacation and on the way there, he tells them it’s a smart house. Each of them downloads the app and agrees to the terms of service, except Hannah who hits the decline button.  Hannah is a programmer who is concerned about online privacy and doesn’t use social media.

The house is referred to as Margaux and interacts with the group. It keeps urging Hannah to download the app. It’s located every one else’s social media and knows what they like, but hasn’t been able to figure Hannah out, other than the small amount of info on her friends pages.  

It’s unclear how Margaux manages to have every type of food they like in stock or how she cooks it. And do any of them really like their ham cut a half inch thick? It’s not appealing. 

Tentacle arms come out of the wall, which should be alarming but the group oohs and aahs over the house doing so much for them.  It even provides top grade weed after Clay drops his in the pool.  But what the group doesn’t realize is that Margaux has killed guests before and now she’s set her sights on them.

The biggest question is if Margaux has killed a ton of people, why has no one noticed? How could so many people disappear from one house? Has anyone notified the police that their loved ones have gone missing?  Who cleans up? Does Margaux get rid of the blood and personal belongings? Where does she put them? Where does the food come from? Is Margaux creating it out of the goo that runs out of the vents?  How does the house have ultra modern AI when her hardware is super old? And why is the exercise equipment outside? It’s electrical and it would seem rain would be an issue. 

Muck (2015)

The movie begins and we are thrown right into the middle of a story already in progress.  A group of friends are stumbling through a field. Something big has already happened because one guy is seriously injured and a dazed woman is in her underwear.   Where have they been? Who did this? Who are these people? Why are they in town since they don’t live here? Who attacked them? What happened?  I hope those questions aren’t important to you because they’re not going to tell us.

The group stumbles across someone’s home and breaks in. While there’s some panic over the injury and the traumatized girl, there’s no real sense of urgency. One girl is fixated on taking a shower.  Noah decide to get help since there is no phone. The injured guy says don’t ask the local Sheriff for help, but call someone for a ride.  Why don’t they want the Sheriff to help? Did the local police attack our group? No idea.

Noah runs till he finds a bar. Does he ask for a phone or for help? No, he quietly walks up to the bar, then heads into the bathroom to wash his face. When he comes back, a woman hits on him, he orders drinks and then asks to use her phone.  He calls his cousin Troit and asks for a ride for five people. Then he runs back to the house to make sure his girlfriend is okay. But on the way back, he runs by a house and sees a girl inside in underwear so he stops to peep through the windows. What the hell, movie.

Troit gets in his car with the two women he’s drinking with and drives to the town of Wescraven, yeah I know.  And that’s when the albinos show up. The rest of the movie is the few people left alive trying to survive the multiple albino attacks.  And it ends as it starts - with no resolution and seemingly in the middle of the story.

They just took the middle of a movie, no beginning or end, and no plot.  Noah never tells Troit where he is, other than the name of the town, yet Troit finds him.  The bartender warns Troit not to go to that town, but there’s no info as to why or what the bartender knows.  The women with Troit are overly concerned with their clothing.  When the first one thinks they’ve going home together, she goes into the bathroom and tries on multiple sets of matching underwear. Who brings that many changes of clothing to a bar?  After their car tips over, the other woman says she needs a change of clothing. Why? Her clothing isn’t  even dirty.

Legend of the Lizard Man (2023)

In 1988, Darnell is found in a small boat in a stream in the woods, claiming he and his parents were attacked by a lizard man.  No creature is ever found and rumor has it Darnell’s father killed his mother and ran off to avoid the consequences.

Cut to current day and a group of friends come to town because Sidney is doing research on the lizard  man.  They head to the Lizard Man museum where the proprietor has his face like painted like a lizard.  If you saw him anywhere but the museum, you wouldn’t know he’s supposed to be an lizard. The group also gets in a brief verbal spar with some locals who hang out outside the museum and harass women. Why?

The guy at the museum gives them a map so they can find the location of the lizard man incident, which is where they’ll set up camp. They’ve brought beer and a boombox on their trek into the woods, which is always conducive to research. One of the guys wanders off on his own since he believes if he finds the lizard man, it’ll be easy money and make him a millionaire.

Soon we’ve got the lizard man, the local thugs, Darnell, the ranger, and the group of friends on a collision course with wackiness.  Actually it’s more a course of tedium as you’ll wonder if anything is going to happen and there’s no satisfaction in the end. People make ridiculous decisions and the twists are lackluster. 

While this takes place in South Carolina, the accents are either over the top southern hick or have a lilt of the actors own accent, which is distracting. Louisa Warren is a UK filmmaker so I’m assuming they shot this in the UK based on the accent issues.

The movie ends with interviews with the proprietor of a museum with lizard man info. So it’s a real legend.  Plus theres an interview with a woman who went to high school with the guy who actually saw the lizard mani in 1988.  What is hilarious is the filmmaker didn’t edit this woman’s train of thought monologue. We get info like in high school she worked at the KFC, which she then expands upon because it was called Kentucky Fried Chicken when she worked there. Or everyone in high school believed the guy because why would he make up a lizard man since he was handsome and popular.  This overlooks the fact that sometimes people just want attention and a little story can become so big they don’t see any way out of the lie and have to perpetuate it. Who knows if it’s true, but people lie for all sorts of reasons.

Ridiculous dialogue

Missing people go missing all the time.

Ding ding bingo.

Jason: Then what is it?

Darnell: Short answer, no idea.

Sid: How long have you been tracking it? The whole time?

Darnell: Not at first.

A view of Darnell’s car from inside the lizard man’s mouth

The van right out of the 70s.

The sign to the museum is taped up using electrical
tape, and the arrow is also electrical tape. 

On the right is a man on a bicycle. I thought this must be
someone following them and was part of the plot but
apparently it was just someone riding down the road. 

The group sees a cabin in the woods and gathers on and
near the porch which is weird since the lights are on and
they aren’t staying there.

What sort of forest has lanterns hanging off trees
that anyone can take to go into the forest at night

Uh okay, not what I was expecting for a lizard creature

The decidedly un-lizard like lizard make up.

Eradication (2022)

David has been in isolation for a couple years due to a virus that’s broken out.  He spends his days with timers set for tasks and is told not to venture out after dark.  He misses his wife Sam, who he only sees on video calls at designated times.

Sam tells David his blood is the only hope for the future. She’s infected and his blood could be the cure.  Apparently he’s the only person who hasn’t become infected by the disease. 

At designated intervals, he draws blood and brings it to a drop off point where he exchanges it for food.  At one point he gets bent out of shape because he’s given canned food that contains meat and he’s a vegetarian.  It’s ridiculous to be so arrogant during an apocalypse.  

It feels like the zombies must come out after dark since he’s told not to leave the house other than during the day. But at one point, he runs into a zombie during the day. So what’s really going on at night?

There are only a few actors in this film and it’s mostly David alone.  There’s no zombie action, it’s pacing is slow, and you’ll be left with questions. 

The Mount 2 (2022)

An old weirdo brings some twenty somethings to an abandoned mansion, where he cuts his finger and demands the two girls suck the blood off it. They’re upset but surprisingly comply.  The weirdo does a ritual and then requests his fee for guiding them there, but they tell him they can’t pay.

The kids hang out, listen to music, play games, talk, and get bored. There are ghosts in the house and it seems like one of the guys can see them, but he doesn’t say anything.

Then four teenaged ghosts walk up the path to the house and holy crap now they’re singing. What the hell.  

I haven’t seen the first movie. I’m not sure if it would make a difference. I don’t know who the teen ghosts are or why they’re singing. But do I need to know anything about them when it’s people in a haunted house? I did not enjoy this, but if you’re going to watch it, you may want to watch the first one in case there was some plot point that was relevant.

The ghost teens are going to sing

Alien Valley (2012)

Alien Valley tells the story of the reality show, Paranormal Mysteries, whose crew disappears when they go to investigate weird happenings in a small town.  Interviews with other paranormal investigators and town folks make up the movie, along with the footage found on their cameras.  

Since this is reality tv, the skeptics point out that the show is scripted, uses music and sound effects to build drama or tension, and is essentially like a documentary soap opera with drama between characters.  There is counter point by others who think the team  actually disappeared after finding something paranormal.

The cast and crew are kind of annoying, other than a camera man who bonds with the local ranger.  The group doesn’t care about rules and regulations, and is also prone to fake evidence to make their show more interesting. Unfortunately for them they are in cattle mutilation territory and there are things going on that are not of this earth. 

The Outwaters (2022)

Michelle, Angela, Scott and Robbie go to the desert to shoot footage for a music video and disappear never to be seen again. Five years later someone finds Robbie’s camera and this footage is on it.

It’s like watching your friends home movies and that’s not interesting for anyone.  They sit around, talk, sing, do nothing or visit family.  There’s no plot, character development or any reason to care about these people.

After they head out into the desert, it’s more of the same.  Then at fifty five minutes in something happens in the middle of the night as they’re camping.  Robbie is off on his own when he hears the screams of his friends. The next morning we see he’s hiding in crevice, his hair is matted with blood and there are still forty five minutes left in this film. Oh god.

Much of the movie is at night and Robbie is using a small flashlight to illuminate what he’s seeing. So get ready to see almost nothing for half the film.  It’s a pinpoint of light in the desert, often looking as if he’s shining a flashlight through a toilet paper roll.  So while we know his friends are dead, we don’t see anything other than blood. All the action happens off camera in the dark.  

It’s not clear why they were camping for multiple days to shoot this video. The second day they’re lying in the sun, recording sounds in the rocks, or hanging out for most of it.  Why stay so long? You hike in, shoot your dusk scenes, camp for the night, get up and shoot your day scenes, and hike back.

It’s also not clear why the blood is always wet.  The blood should dry especially with the high heat in the desert, but it’s always wet and gooey.

You’ve got almost an hour of shots like this.

Unnatural (2015)

Aka Maneater 

Brooking, an arrogant photographer, brings his assistant and two models to a remote lodge in Alaska to do a photo shoot. There’s only four hours of sunlight a day so he’s got limited time to shoot. The girls are wearing bikini’s and fur hats while they pose in the freezing cold.

Lodge owner Martin and his staff try their best to deal with Brookings horrible personality, rude demeanor, and unreasonable demands.  But with him insulting everyone and making racist remarks about the locals, they’re just waiting for the day the group leaves.

Unfortunately they are on a collision course with a rogue polar bear from a genetic testing laboratory.  The bear has escaped the secret lab in the wilderness after killing two scientists. Doctor Hanna escaped and is wandering through the woods after her truck broke down.

Things start to go wrong for the visitors when the bear drags one of the models into a hole in the ice while on a shoot.  Later Martin finds Hanna in the woods and brings her back to the lodge.  She feeds Martin some garbage about why she was out there, but he doesn’t trust her narrative.  

As the massive polar bear tracks down anyone who goes outside, you’d think it would get more exciting. But about sixty minutes in, I just wanted it to be over.  Even with actors like James Remar, Graham Greene, Ray Wise, and Sherilynn Fenn it couldn’t keep my interest.  Also surprisingly there is twelve minutes of credits at the end of the film.

Also note that when Brookings looks through his photos, we find out he’s not very good. He spent $10,000 to fly two models to remote wilderness, travels by snow mobile to a lake, and is taking close ups of Ella’s face which could be done without leaving his home.

The polar bear in the hallway

He could have taken this shot in his backyard. 

Demonoid (1981)

Jennifer and her husband Mark buy a mine in Mexico hoping to get rich. But after finding a hidden tomb inside the workers fear entering again because the tomb was cursed.  Mark isn’t afraid of a stupid legend so he goes inside to find antiquities. Not only does he find quicksand but also a hand which attaches itself to whoever holds it  and possesses them.  

Mark ends up gambling in Las Vegas because where else would you go with an evil hand.  Jennifer tries to track him down but things do not go well since the only way to get rid of the hand is to chop it off.

Looking for revenge for her husbands death, Jennifer seeks the help of a priest, who is skeptical until he sees the hand in action.  No one is safe from the hand, which is hilarious since it involves actors holding the hand onto their faces while flailing, or spinning around with the hand attached to their hair.

It’s not the most exciting thing to watch, but I do have an affinity for disembodied hand movies.

The huge glasses that cover half her face

Quicksand in a mine? Who knew

The evil hand is on the loose

Jennifer shows the deadly artifact to the priest

Hand attack!

Having to throw yourself around as if the
hand you’re holding on your face is attacking you

JeruZalem (2015)

Sarah, whose dad gave her a pair of smart glasses, is taking a trip with her friend Rachel to Tel Aviv. They meet Kevin on the plane who is heading to Jerusalem. When the plane lands, he asks them to join him and they rearrange their schedule. Because if there’s one thing that’s safe it’s going off with a man you just met while in a foreign country. 

They stay at a hostel where Rachel asks Omar, the owners son, for hash and invites him to hang out that night.  In the next few hours, Sarah’s bag is stolen by a child, she injures herself while giving chase, the group goes out for drinks, and she hooks up with Kevin. 

The next day they do some tourist things, like visit the Western Wall where you write your deepest wish. Sarah wishes for her dead brother to come back. Uh oh.

When they visit some underground caverns, Kevin becomes uncomfortable and wants to leave.  After doing research, he says they need to leave town right now because something bad is going to happen.  He gets so upset the hotel owner calls the police drag him off to an asylum.

That night Sarah sees a plane drop a bomb on the city and the news mentions terrorists. Shortly after that a couple of soldiers show up at the hostel and advise everyone to get to the gates of the city because the military is going to lock it down.  

At this point Sarah becomes liability.  Her first priority should be getting to the gates. But she has trouble keeping up with the group and when they are running past the asylum, she stops, stomps her little feet, and insists they rescue Kevin. 

Although she’s only known him a few days,  can’t speak the language, and the news has reported terrorists are attacking, she refuses to go further and runs into the asylum. The soldiers decide they’ll help her look for three minutes.  The asylum is huge. She has no idea which floor or wing he’s in. Plus what if he’s already been evacuated?  When the soldiers tell her time is up, she throws another fit and stays behind.

As unlikely as it is due to the size of the asylum, she finds Kevin and helps him escape.  Then she’s back to being an idiot again. She crashes a bike and starts pulling a Velma when she can’t find her glasses. She even sets them down on the ground. Good god woman, you can’t see without them. It turns out her friend is couldn’t get out before the gates were locked. So everyone’s trying to escape the messed up creatures in the city and it just gets worse from here. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Man: We have a lot of superstitions here. Do you believe?

Sarah: No, I’m old school. I believe in science.

Man: You are stupid.

Glass, take a picture.

It would be a pain to have this stuff popping up in your vision

The glasses pull up your social media once they recognize you

Good old trustworthy Kevin

The Canal (2014)

Five years after buying a home, film archivist David is reviewing old news reels and discovers his house was the site of a vicious murder in the early 1900s.  He and his wife are unnerved but it’s not like they’ve had any issues in the house so life goes on.

When David’s wife invites him to a business party, he notices her client Alex is too familiar with her and begins to wonder if she’s having an affair. One night he follows her and confirms his fears to be true as she meets Alex in one of his buildings that’s under construction. David picks up a hammer and considers doing them harm. But the horror of this thought sends him running out of the building and he throws the hammer in the canal.

The next morning when he discovers his wife hasn’t come home,  David notifies the police. After an investigation and a search, they find her body in the canal. Since they know she was having an affair, Davis is ant the top of their list of suspects. David denies any knowledge of this.

He begins having nightmares and seeing the man who committed the murder in his house one hundred years ago.  So is David hallucinating? Is the murderer’s spirit haunting this home? Did David murder his wife? He’s acting weird, the nanny is afraid of him, and the police have found the hammer in the canal.

This is an Irish movie which has some creepy parts and is psychological horror.

What We Become (2015)

When a new family moves in across the street, Gustav becomes interested in the teenaged daughter Sonja.  They’ve barely gotten to know each other when an announcement on TV says there appears to be an epidemic beginning. If anyone is sick avoid hospitals, doctors and 911, and instead call the health hotline.

A few days later, the military show up on their street, order people back in their houses, and barricade the streets at the edge of town.  Those who try to escape are shot.  There are daily health checks and food is delivered to each home.  

But Gustav is curious about what’s going on and sneaks out one night to the school where the military have their base.  He sees townsfolk being brought inside and sees some unsettling things. When he starts to open the a box truck in the yard, the military notices and shoots as he runs off. Behind him he hears screams and the gunfire stops.  

When no more food arrives, some of the families go looking for supplies.  Others split apart, like when one person thinks their partner is sick and doesn’t want to catch it.  At this point they discover there is no more military in town, though the barricade is still up and the military will still kill anyone who gets too close to it. Also there are also zombies wandering the streets which is not going to go well for anyone.

This has suspense but if you’re looking for zombie action, you’ll be disappointed. It’s more about atmosphere and the characters than the zombies, who are almost all the last part of the film.

Anthropophagus II (2022)

Professor Nora and her students hike a long way through the woods to an abandoned bunker where a caretaker lets them in.  Many of the students dress inappropriately for the trip. They also complain about having to pay for the permit and being told what to bring even though this is a trip to work on their thesis. What is their thesis about? I have no idea. Also does everyone have the same thesis or is this a group project? If it’s a group project, you just know someone is going to slack off. 

After being locked with the understanding the caretaker will let them out on Monday, the group finds a room with old military style bunk beds. They push the rusty door shut and lock it, which isn’t a great idea in an abandoned building since you don’t know if it will open once you shut it. 

I don’t know most of the girls names. They’re said in passing, rather than having any introduction. I only know the characters who are the biggest pain and the most ridiculous. Isabel forgot to bring food but then complains about the food someone else graciously shared with her.  Betty wore thigh high boots and an off the shoulder short dress for the hike, and the next day puts on eye liner when she wakes up. I don’t have high hopes for Betty’s contribution to the thesis. 

When two of the girls disappear the first night, this starts the downhill slide into panic, more disappearances and murder. What they don’t know is there’s a cannibal in the bunker and they look like lunch. 

The group doesn’t work well together and aren’t very bright for thesis students. One finds the cannibals lair, complete with blood, guts and killing tools. But instead of running back to warn the others, she wanders around looking at things and is promptly taken out.  When Betty is captured and thrown in a cell, she immediately asks him if he wants her to strip. Oh poor dumb sweet Betty.  There is nothing in this room, his demeanor, or the weapon he’s holding that would make that a plausible question.

The biggest puzzle is where did Nora get the permit? Is there a record of this so someone knows they went there?  The caretaker tells them there are 17 kilometers of tunnel, it’s easy to get lost and many people have tried to shelter in the bunkers but no one has ever seen them again.  So does that mean you can get in without the permit?

Also how feasible is it for a cannibal to survive in a locked bunker?  How often do people wander far enough into the tunnels that he can grab them?  And how much can he eat at once? He’s chowing down on these women, but there are enough people in the bunker that he’d probably have food for quite awhile. Yet he seems to be gorging on it.

Ridiculous dialogue

Julia: We won’t get out of here alive unless we rely on ourselves.

Nora: Please, being negative won’t help.

You can do what you want but please don’t hurt me

Betty on the left in her thigh high boots and off the shoulder
sweater dress - the perfect outfit for a long hike
 and weekend in an abandoned bunker

The clean, dust free abandoned bunker

The matress-less bunk beds

At the End of Eight (2019)

Allison, Will and Darian are chosen to be part of a social media game where they must sneak into a designated house and spend eight hours without being discovered. They’re dropped off with bags over their heads and the address of a home.  They must find the home and then find a way into it. If they successfully spend eight hours there, they’ll win ten thousand dollars.

The police can’t catch the people running the game which seems odd since it costs ten dollars to enter. The gamers must have an online presence and they’d need an account set up to collect payment which means they should be traceable. 

The group climbs in an unlocked window and after a series of near misses end up hiding upstairs.  Darian has done this twice before, which is odd since its supposed to be random.  His two previous successes have made him arrogant and careless. He goes downstairs to get a snack and isn’t even quiet about it.  He’s an idiot.  Allison and Will aren’t much better since they’re having a conversation and Allison mentions Will was talking in his sleep. Maybe they should try being quiet since they could either get arrested or attacked by a fearful homeowner.  There is lots of news coverage of the game and the town is in a panic with police urging people to lock their doors and be careful.

This isn’t going to be much of a movie if the players sit safely in a room for eight hours. So as you’d expect, they are discovered. Allison repeatedly yells about how they didn’t do anything and it isn’t fair to hurt them. She’s seemingly forgotten they broke into someone’s house and previous players killed a four year old child. The city is on the edge and people are sick of this crap. 

There’s some twists and turns, but there’s nothing really new about it. It was supposedly made for $4500, yet it looks better than so many of the low budget movies on Tubi or Amazon. I have no sense of budget for an indie film, but now I’m thinking a lot of the movies I’ve seen perhaps had budgets of $500 since this one didn’t look terrible.

The ending left me with questions, such as why did they bring the money if they never intended to pay? And if people can gat in touch with the gamer runners, then why can’t the police track them down?

Ridiculous dialogue

Why are they attacking us? This feels like so much more than self defense.

We didn’t do anything.

One Way Trip (2011)

Valerie goes on a trip with her brother and some friends. But what she doesn’t know is they’ve invited her ex and the purpose of the trip is to find mushrooms. 

When the van has a flat tire, Valerie goes walking in the woods and runs into a creepy man with a gun.  After some tense moments, the group discovers he is hunting and not aiming the gun at her.

They head to the nearest gas station driving on the flat. A couple on a motorcycle overhear their mushroom plans and ask if they can go with them.  They came to look for mushrooms too but their bike broke down and it will be a few days until it’s fixed.

Everyone crams into the van to go on their merry way. They find an area in the woods to camp and begin to search for mushrooms. Valerie, who is not happy to be there, is repeatedly bullied about what a drag she is until in an I’ll show you moment, she eats a mushroom.  

Everyone is tripping and happy, until Valeries brother Timo stumbles out of the woods and collapses. He’s covered in blood and has a broken nose.  Since he needs immediate medical care, the group packs up in a panic just as a storm starts.  One of their maps shows a house nearby so they go there to look for help. 

There is no one there so they go in and make themselves at home. Then they hear a noise upstairs and one the the group disappears while outside. Because it’s a bad idea to go into a strangers house and act like you’re a guest.  No one appreciates that, especially a maniac.

The movie was shot in Switzerland and is in 3D so at times things will come directly at the camera.

3D snack food from the van

Our group of intrepid mushroom enthusiasts

A Haunting at the Park Hotel (2011)

 Aka The Speak

For the last episode of his web series on haunted places, Shelly investigates the Park Hotel.  The team consists of Shelly doing host duties, his brother Luis as cameraman, and girlfriend Paige who manages everything else. 

The rest of the crew are locals hired by Paige.  Malia is a Native American who will perform a ritual to contact the spirits since the hotel is on former tribal land.  Jackson is the sound guy and Elsa is… also doing sound?  They appear to be dating except Elsa repeatedly hits on Shelly in front of Jackson and Paige.  

When hotel caretaker Doyle shows up, they discover his son AJ, who they’ve been talking to, doesn’t have the right to let them in. Doyle warns them it’s dangerous and tells them to leave.  Paige angrily says they have a contract and AJ has been paid, overlooking the obvious that a contract with someone who doesn’t represent the establishment is useless.

When Shelly threatens to have Doyle fired and get the law after him, Doyle shoves him to the ground. But after repeated threats, he laughs and lets them in when he realizes the best way to deal with these idiots is give them what they wants - entrance to a hotel where people who enter die.  

Once inside, Malia has a bad feeling. She agrees to stay when Shelly promises to pay her four times what she’s been offered . But even then, she says as soon as the ritual is done, she’s leaving. If only the hotel were so forgiving since the ritual calls forth something that lets the demons in and locks the door to keep them from inside.

None of the characters are particularly likable except Malia. Jackson doesn’t seem bad either, but the rest are annoying. Shelly is is egotistical and creepy.

Horribly cringey flirty dialogue

Elsa: I’m Jackson’s Velma. He’s Freddy.

Shelly: That’s cute.

Elsa: You are.

You don’t look forty. You look just as prepubescent as ever.

You see the rack on that Malia chick? Totally gonna get on that one.

The sad comedy stylings of Luis

There is no electricity in the building but later the lights flicker.
Then this scene has a light is shining on a soundboard.