Rise of the Black Bat (2012)

District attorney Tony Quinn is blinded by an acid attack. After an  experimental surgery gives him night vision, he becomes the cowled crime fighter the Black Bat.

Soon after Silk Kirby breaks into Quinn’s house to warn him that the man who blinded him is sending someone over to break into his house and kill him.  While Quinn is skeptical that Silk isn’t the assassin, Silk volunteers to be a decoy for the killer. Later once the killer’s plan goes awry, Silk volunteers to be his man Friday. When asked why he’s helping him, he says because Quinn convicted Silk’s brother, which made Silk realize he should stop following in his  footsteps.

Many of the night scenes appear to be lit with either a flashlight or car headlights. Other scenes are available light, such as street lights or lights on buildings.

Some of the music is from another source. I can’t quite think of what it is, but it’s either needle drop music or maybe it’s from iTunes movie.

There is a lot of padding in the production. The first 13 minutes have almost no dialogue other than a voiceover which states who Quinn is.  Later there is a long drawn out bikini contest in a theater. There are four contestants and each of them dance. Yup, you don’t just get the idea of the contest. You have to be bored out of your skull by the contest.  Also one of the contestants looks like she spent a week in a tanning bed or used a bad spray on tan. It’s distracting and not in a good way.

Hilarious dialogue

My name is Kirby. Silk Kirby.

Silk: I heard it through the grapevine someone was going to break into your house tonight.

Quinn: Someone did break into my house tonight.

Silk: Not me [who has just broken into Quinn’s home]

His vision is at less than 10% now and it will be completely gone by the end of the day. There’s nothing that medical science can do for him now.

Snake took my eyes. What good is a man without his eyes? What kind of a district attorney can I be now?

I’m blind. I can’t see.

Tell Oliver Snake that he better keep a night light on because he’s about to be afraid of the dark.

Using a flashlight or the overhead light in the
car to light the scene

Play Dead (2023)

When Chloe’s brother TJ shows up injured and scared, she finds out he was the get away driver in a robbery with her ex Ross, who is now dead.  Chloe is furious but also wants to protect TJ since their parents are dead and they have no other relatives.  

While no one saw his face, TJ is an idiot because he and Ross planned this via text. So the police will be going through Ross’s phone since they know there was a driver waiting outside.

In a plan to get Ross’s phone, Chloe injects herself with propofol, which will make her vital signs so low they’ll think she’s dead. Chloe is a med student and thinks she can pull this off.  I’m questioning if her school is accredited since dangerous drugs should be inventoried.

Surprisingly all goes as planned and she wakes up in the morgue under a sheet. It’s at this point things go off the rails. She’s locked in the cooler, but once she gets out, she finds all the other rooms are locked too. The only person with a key is the coroner, and he turns out to be kind of shady. She’s not as concerned as you’d think seeing as she’s stuck in there with him. Good grief, what a terrible plan.

Monster Grizzly (2023)

After some townsfolk are found dead outside their homes, investigators lean towards an animal on the loose.  Sheriff Tom calls in a bear expert and is surprised when a woman shows up. The surprise ramps up when Deputy Stony walks in and is also thrown by a woman knowing anything about bears, let alone enough to be their specialist. 

Bear expert Giuliana says it’s odd to see a bear out and about at this time of year because it should be hibernating.  The evidence shows it’s larger than your average bear. It takes most of the movie for them to put together fracking may have awoken this giant killing machine. 

This is a low budget movie with many scenes that go nowhere. Take this scene, for example:

Open on Sheriff Tom, Deputy Stony and Bear expert Giuliana sitting in a bar.  Deputy Flower enters.

Flower: Did you get a release on Auntie Winona’s body today? 

Tom: Yeah, they’re going to release the body tomorrow morning.

Flower: Tom….we need to kill this fucking bear.

Tom: Yeah

Bear expert looks awkwardly at her coffe cup

Aaaand scene.

The police station looks like they put a folding table and coffee maker in someone’s den.  The snow is mostly digital so is many storms there is no snow on their hair, hats or clothing.  And if you’re thinking the bear will surely make up for any of that, nope. The bear is only seen once in a brief blurry shot of its face moving past the camera. Mostly it’s people going outside, screaming and cut to someone finding them dead.  

Ridiculous dialogue

Only a white would be out in a blizzard like this

Giuliana: You make me feel safe.

Tom: How so?

Giuliana: You are my apex predator, grrrrr.

The paper sign for the oil company

It was harder than you’d think to find the body

The police station. There’s a couch to the left
of the folding table

Ragdoll (2023)

Chia leaves her husband and buys a house with her new partner Monica.  She’s surprised when her daughter Crystal is angry and says she hates Monica for ruining her life. Chia says this is how things are now.  But she doesn’t want to rush Crystal, so she’ll let her think about it. Thus sets the tone for Chia’s lack of cranial functioning and bad parenting. Maybe the time to think about it would have been before moving in.

When they find a box in the attic with a super creepy, child sized doll, Chia decides to give it to Crystal to cheer her up. Monica complains it smells like mold, but Chia does some repairs, and now it sits in Crystal’s room looking spooky. 

The doll starts causing trouble right away by pushing Monica down the stairs.  Oh so it’s protective of Crystal and striking back for Chia minimizing her feelings? No. It will try to kill anyone it can get its hands on. 

Chia’s reactions are off putting. She dismisses concerns about giving a moldy doll to her daughter. She is unconcerned about what happened to the babysitter, who’s a friend. When Monica ends up at the bottom of the stairs, she thinks Crystal pushed her. When murder victims are found in the house, she calls 911 and says Crystal killed them.  Is there a back story for this kid we don’t know? It’s odd for a parent to jump to the conclusion their child is a murderer without a history of concerning behavior . 

The doll is also confusing.  How far can it walk? It’s outside roaming around. How did it get into the car  without the man noticing the door opening? Can it go through closed doors?  And most importantly, why does it try to kill everyone?

There are so many problems with this movie, but the biggest is the acting.  Crystal speaks in a monotone.  There is no change in inflection or tone.  It’s the same whether she’s telling her mom she’ll be down for dinner, or she’s warning her she’s about to be stabbed.    

Ridiculous dialogue

Stop being so dramatic. That mold smell is just because it’s old. It’s not diseased or anything.

You’re the reason my daddy left. You broke my family.

Just tell me where you are. I’ll come pick up you. [said to the person who was hospitalized]

If you think someone in your house is
trying to kill you, shut the door behind you

Let’s give this moldy attic doll to our child.

What sort of restaurant are they having dinner at?

Chateau (2024)

James, who is female, wants to be an influencer and vlogger, but only gets around forty views on her videos. Her friend Dash says she hasn’t found her voice yet. This is due to James having no original ideas or interests. She’s desperate to get the approval of strangers and makes videos about whatever she thinks might get her views.

After her mom died, James went to Paris and began rooming with Dash. But she doesn’t have enough money to pay the rent this month so she applied for a job to clean an estate. It’s a two hour drive but when she hears it’s called the murder castle and is supposed to be haunted, she thinks a ghost hunt is her ticket to influencer. 

She parks in front of the estate and starts filming, which makes things awkward when the owner comes out to greet her.  James is given instructions on cleaning, warned there is no cell service, and told the owner is going into town and will be back tomorrow.  

The estate is huge but James decides to spend the first night ghost hunting. I have no idea how she’s going to get this place clean, and neither does James. But her only concern is getting footage that can get her followers.

She’s spent a whole day there without doing any cleaning and the owner will be home that night. Is she going to clean? Sort of, but she’s also going to look for a wine cellar and drink some wine while she cleans.  She also takes a pastry, but after touching it and having it next to food she’s eating, she puts it back on the pastry tray. Yuck!

This is another movie where the main character is self absorbed and only cares about being internet famous.  She makes bad decisions and it drives me crazy that there is no way she could clean that house when she’s spent the majority of her time investigating or walking around outside.

Ridiculous dialogue

I want to make content that people like.

Isn’t this editing software so good? It’s so easy to use.

Ouija Experiment (2022)

Five people agree to take part in an experiment that gauges the psychological effects of using an ouija board. What is the hypothesis and criteria for measuring what is happening? We are not informed. Neither are the participants. 

After using the ouija, the individuals go home and film for thirty days. Maybe they’ll have ghostly experiences or a demon will follow them home. What they didn’t expect is everyone having a violent interaction with the spirit world. The people they live with are impacted as well. By the end of the movie, the participants are either missing, deceased or under arrest.

The movie is essentially each person’s self shot footage. Is this a legitimate research experiment or a student gone rogue? There are no controls or variables introduced. They just use a ouija and are on their own.  When the person running the experiment checks in with Sean, he says his girlfriend was bitten and having bad experiences. They tell him it’s only psychological so he should keep going. So I guess that answers the question as to whether it’s using scientific methods or just some random student trying to be edgy. 

Ridiculous dialogue

The ouija board has been evil since 1973.

Goodnight Light (2023)

Twelve year old Emma is put in an asylum after stabbing her mother to death. Nine years later she’s still locked up and won’t talk to the psychiatrist.

Next thing you know it’s present day with a group of college students who go to a cabin for the weekend.  Lexi is so unlikeable you’ll wonder why anyone would want to be friends with her or date her.  She’s condescending, makes fun of her friends, constantly complains, is ungrateful, and super high maintenance.  As a teenager, you can get stuck with crappy friends, but screw that once you’re an adult.

That night around the campfire they play Never Have I Ever around the campfire and someone says murdered someone. When Lexi passes, one of the girls tells her she kind of did. Lexi insists they all did. But the others say it was all on Lexi, who convinced Emma that if she performed a ritual and killed her mother, she’d get her dad back.  Lexi counters Emma was stupid to do it. Later that night they pull out an Ouija board and things take a turn for the worse.

The flashbacks are confusing as it’s not clear which character is which. I thought one girl said something about Carmen, but then later Lexi addressed that girl as Carmen.  They’re a bunch of mean girls who targeted a girl whose dad died.  Then Lexi grew up, changed her ways and become a wonderful person… no, of course not. Lexi learned nothing and is still a piece of crap.

Ridiculously painful dialogue

You’re up, sexy Lexi.

Why don’t you ever call me things like that?

Because nothing good rhymes with Carmen.

What about charmin’ the pants off Carmen?

Embedded (2012)

Cattle are disappearing and the locals think it’s either wolves or grizzlies. Reporter James and cameraman Tom are irritated they were sent to cover the story.  They’re used to covering the war in Iraq, but James made an enemy by sleeping with someone’s wife and has been relegated to less exciting stories.

While they at the press conference, a pick up truck crashes in the street and a hysterical man inside screams, “It has my boy.” A posse is formed and teams of hunters head out to try to track down the beast and rescue the twelve year old boy that’s missing.

Deputy Clyde doesn’t want James or Tom to come on the hunt. He was a Green Beret and they were with his unit in Afghanistan and he has issues with them.  They are not great at blending in. They’re constantly annoying the members of the posse, and butting in or commenting at the wrong times.

It’s hard to believe Tom is a professional cameraman since he can’t focus through branches.  He’s going to miss a lot if he has no idea how to manually focus on his subject.  Also odd is that when someone in the posse disappears in the midst of chaos, no one thinks to look at the footage they’ve shot to figure out what happened and kind of animal it was. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Rescue: Where is everyone? Over.

Sheriff:  They’re dead. Over.

Rescue: Is this a prank? Over.

Continuity - the eyes

Knock Knock 2 (2011)

Jordan and Stef live in Los Angeles but have never done a haunted Hollywood tour.  They decide to make their own list of murder sites to visit and convince their boyfriends Aiden and Beckett to come with them.  

Once it’s dark, they drive around as they read the history of the murders from printouts of webpages. They complain about having difficulty finding the houses as some don’t have numbers. It never occurs to them they are the reason the numbers are gone. No one wants a group college students pulling into their driveways, trying to get through locked gates and attempting to open the doors on their homes. Not to mention they keep giggling loudly about the murders.

At one house, the girls manipulate the guys into coming up on the porch saying once everyone touches the doorknob, they’ll leave.  But the girls push it further when they discover the house is unlocked and walk inside.

When their soft headed boyfriends wander in behind them to make sure they’re okay, the door slams behind them.  It’s funny until they notice there is no doorknob.  More alarming, the windows are boarded up from the inside. The inside? Things will not go well for our young intrepid idiots.

Watch for the scenes where the guys try using brute strength to remove the plywood without removing the 2x4s nailed over them.  They never stood a chance.

The movie has them reading stories of each deaths. Was it so hard to remember the stories? These are deaths of real people and a few have photos from the crime scenes which seem questionable to include.

Ridiculous dialogue from kids who are fine with breaking and entering:

Well the gate’s open so it’s free game.

How do we get in? It’s got cameras.

Pumpkin Man (2023)

Catherine is obsessed with the legend of Pumpkin Man. She tours Sir Henry’s Haunted Trail and discovers some of the props are historical artifacts.   It turns out Pumpkin Man is a demon and you can summon him if you have the spell.

When she sneaks into an area where the tour doesn’t go, she sees a piano. One of the keys is a dead key and when she hits it, a piece of paper falls out. So no one has hit that key since 1790?

In a huge leap in logic, Catherine believes the paper is proof that Pumpkin Man exists. She believes she’s going to get an A in history because of the note. Sigh.

Why does Catherine want to resurrect a demon?  It will not go well for her, her friends or anyone else in town. And why does no one even consider if there is a spell to stop the demon?

This seems to be a movie for teens.  Catherine looks like she’s in junior high, but I guess she looks young for her age since her best friend applied to college.  The night scenes in the woods are often too dark to tell what is going on.

Catherine looks far younger than her boyfriend

The old book hidden for years under only an inch of soil

Knucklebones (2016)

Neesa is about to graduate from high school when her boyfriend dumps her. He says he’s doing her a favor. It’s best for both of them so they don’t miss any opportunity’s when they go to college. He is surprised when instead of being grateful, Neesa attempts to take her own life.

After she recovers, a couple of her friends convince her to go to the old factory with Adam and Travis. Legend says it’s haunted. It closed in the 1970s after people were murdered on the graveyard shift.

Even though it’s been closed almost fifty years, the generator and electricity still works and the factory is clean.  When they hear a noise in the basement that seems to be coming from behind the wall, Adam cuts open the wall and they find a box of Nazi crap hidden within.

The box includes some dice made from knuckle bones. As if that isn’t creepy enough, you can use them to summon a demon.  Three of the five are all in on bringing forth the demon. Neesa is more interested in leaving a message for Ryan telling him she loves him, misses him and it’s not his fault that she tried to die.

Soon there is a Nazi demon skeleton slinging quips around and the kids scatter.  At this point, new characters show up, like the addicts who break in to steal metal, and the crazy guy living in the factory who’s been looking for the Nazi stuff for years.  Hurrah more victims. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Adam: We found the dice in the basement sealed behind the wall.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that. Been coming here for years looking for them. Eventually I just moved on in here.

Neesa: There wasn’t anything about any kind of banishment ritual.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that too.

The Andy Baker Tape (20210

Jeff is a YouTuber who travels and rates food.  His channel is popular enough that he has a possible deal with the Food Network. He needs to put together a submission with new footage.

After his father died in an accident, Jeff used an ancestry site for a DNA testing. He’d never met his dad’s side of the family and wondered if he had any living relatives.  When he discovers he has a half brother named Andy, he makes plans to visit him while traveling to shoot footage for his submission.

Andy lives alone down a dirt road and is a bit odd. But that could be the discomfort and awkwardness of meeting a brother he didn’t know existed. It could also be that Jeff is a bit of a douche. He’s got that influencer thing going where his camera is always on and it’s all about his footage and other people be damned. So Andy is stuck with Jeff’s onscreen persona rather than Jeff being genuine and trying to get to know him. 

When Jeff incorporates Andy into the filming, things go wrong. Andy is uncomfortable being on camera. He’s either overly quiet or too boisterous.  When Jeff asks him to film, Andy either doesn’t shoot what Jeff wants or isn’t careful with the equipment.  Jeff’s condescending attitude doesn’t help and makes Andy angry.

While Jeff looks forward to continuing on his way, Andy manages to talk him into dropping him off at a job in another town.  Things don’t go as planned and the extra day of travel turns in to multiple days. Jeff seems to forget that just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you know them, which is too bad since Andy is starting to act pretty weird.

After watching so many crappy, low budget, found footage horror movies,  this was decent.

The Wild Man: Skunk Ape (2021)

Sarah and her documentary crew, made up of her boyfriend Brandon and friend Tim, head to a small town to investigate a substantial  number of missing teenagers.   Samantha is the most recent so Sarah decides they’re going to go to her house to interview her family. The guys think it’s a horrible idea and wonder what’s wrong with her since the family has not responded to Sarah’s ten phone calls.

After being kicked off their property, Sarah interviews locals who talk about the skunk ape, which is the local version of Bigfoot.  People say skunk ape expert Dale could take them into the woods to try to find the creature. Either that or he may kill you since some locals think he is responsible for the missing teens.

Dale has been looking for the skunk ape for twenty five years. I’m not sure if that makes him an expert since he’s never found anything. It seems unlikely working with Dale as their guide will help, but surprisingly while deep in the woods they hear scary noises.

When things don’t go as planned and one of the group disappears, the other wants to pack it in. But Sarah is focused on her story and finds someone who says the skunk ape has ties to a nearby military base. This leads to them sneaking around all hunched over in the dark trying to be stealthy. Yet undermining it by shining a light on themselves because they are filming. Sigh. 

Sarah is really unlikeable. She’s self righteous and self absorbed.  While she says it’s about finding the truth, she’s incredibly cavalier and even considers maybe it’s Samantha’s dad that’s responsible for her disappearance.  As if it’s not be enough his daughter is missing, now he’s being accused of facilitating her disappearance. 

Ridiculous dialogue

I mean, that was a threat. That means we’re on to something.

The nonsense of sneaking hunched over in the
dark while shining a light on themselves.

Beyond the North Woods (2022)

Obnoxious YouTuber Paul and his camerawoman Angela head to Duluth, MN to investigate the paranormal and mysterious disappearances in the woods. They stay at a hotel and each get their own room. Someone keeps calling Angela’s phone over and over. When she answers it’s a weirdo who seems to be able to see into her room as he knows what she’s wearing and doing.

The next day Paul and Angela head to the woods and meet Jordan, a ranger who will guide them through the forest as they film their episode.  Jordan laughs anxiously at everything Paul says. The dialogue is awkward and I’m guessing it’s improvised since it’s so banal.

Jordan turns out to be the worst ranger ever. When they head back to the parking lot, she’s not sure which path to take and they end up lost. She has no idea where they are. Things go down hill from there.

I do appreciate the longs shots with no cuts, but listening to them prattle on inanely about nothing is tedious. This is mostly a couple of people walking through the woods. One who thinks a bit too much of himself and won’t shut up. And the other seems socially anxious and laughs too much.

Clawed (2017)

A terribly annoying, overly giddy podcaster interviews a former Sheriff and acts like she’s doing hard hitting journalism, but just comes off as insensitive. The Sheriff continues to talk to her smug face and tells her listeners to stay away from Bear Claw Mountain.  

Everyone in town knows there’s evil up in the mountains so they stay away. But then some random person online said the water had healing qualities and people began flocking to it.  It’s a huge mistake since there’s a big clawed monster ripping people to shreds.

Meanwhile a research group doing a geological survey checks in with the Sheriff. They need his consent to collect some samples. The Sheriff warns them about bears in the area, but most of the team are college kids so they don’t take him seriously. It doesn’t help that their leader is a wise ass.  

It’s not that interesting and no one is likeable. The best part is the foley in the scene with the podcaster and sheriff.  He takes a massive gulp of coffee and then you hear a loud ADR gulp which is hilarious.

Overly happy podcaster talking about a tragedy

The bad wig

Toxic waste? No need to be cautious

The Spore (2021)

When an idiot hears gunshots and screaming, instead of being cautious, he runs into the woods to investigate and cuts his leg. This is unfortunate since now he's infected by a spore, which he will be spreading to other unsuspecting individuals.

Twenty three minutes in and the only dialogue is from radio broadcasts heard by the characters. At fifty minutes, the sound goes out of sync. I’m not sure if it’s the streaming service or the film, but it seems par for the course.

The fungus is the most intelligent thing in the movie. People have no critical thinking or common sense.  Blood spurts in their face and they don’t clean it off.  Something threatening is near and they don’t shut the door. If you’re pulling out of the garage, but something runs across behind you, do you back out and use your headlights to illuminate the area, or do you get out of the car to check it out even though creepy weird things are happening around you? Everyone makes bad decisions. 

The Before Time (2014)

Two rival reporters are part of a reality show about the search for legendary Navajo treasure.  There’s lots of tension as Kimberly hates Cate, not only for taking her spot as the hot newswoman, but for  stealing her boyfriend Daniel, who is producing this mess.

As the group heads into the desert, they are warned the treasure is cursed and to turn around now.But Daniel is looking for ratings, the women are looking for a bigger career, and the interns just want experience. Also there is free booze.

No one is willing to be interviewed for the reality show. So they end up camping in the desert. A Native American says he’ll tell them about the treasure but they need to take Peyote first. I’m sure it will be fine to drug these people who don’t get along and are in the middle of nowhere with a stranger, and possibly spirits guarding the gold. And did we mention the eight headless bodies recently discovered, one of whom was clutching a gold coin?

When it turns out Daniel hired someone to interact with them to cause drama on the show, people stop knowing what is real and what is a set up. The funniest scene is where someone claims, “He’s an actor, not a thug!” when he is arguably the worst actor in the film, Is he supposed to be this bad, or is he really not an actor?

Ridiculous dialogue 

You ruined my life and now you’re ruined my shot.

He’s just a kid! [referring to the college student]

I’m not doing this. I can’t get my clothes bloody and still report.

The Barn 2 (2022)

Three years after Sam and Josh disappeared and Halloween was banned, the mayor decides to reinstate the holiday due to numerous complaints. The college sorority wants to have a fundraiser and a haunted attraction on Halloween would be perfect.

Michelle, who was with Sam and Josh the night they disappeared, volunteers to help Heather, Josh’s older sister, with organizing it.  The two think it would be a fitting tribute to the boys since they were the heart and soul of Halloween. 

The sorority is not allowed to have parties on campus, but Charlie, who works at the local video store, tells them about an old barn near the drive in.  The owner agrees to donate use for the night since it’s a fundraiser. They’ll just need to keep the generator full of gas so the power doesn’t go out. Also there is a well in basement with a fifty foot drop. The owner says he’ll board it up so no one falls down it.

The haunt has no shortage of patrons, but is not very well organized as the cast members seem to wander around. Also have the rooms seem to be geared towards titillation rather than being scary. If only they hadn’t required entrants to knock on the door, which legend says raises the monsters in the well.

The movie cut to black whenever there was a kill, which I thought was a gimmick of some sort. But after I read some reviews, I realized I saw a family friendly, censored version, which also explains the blank spots in dialogue whenever anyone cursed.  I’ve read there were practical effects used, which I’d much rather see than cgi, but I didn’t see any since I saw the censored version.  

If they had not identified the time period as 1992, the only way you’d know it’s an earlier time period is the video store and no cell phones.  I don’t know whether it was their makeup or their true age, but some of the sorority sisters looked old enough to have college age children. I would have liked to see the movie concentrate on Josh and Sam since they were the main characters in the original, but I supposed this leaves it open for a part three.  The movie has cameos by people such as Joe Bob Briggs and Lloyd Kaufman.  It’s okay for what it is and if you liked the first one, you’ll probably Ike this one too.

The bad wig

Walls right out of the Brady Bunch

Loved the video store

Kick of Death (1997)

This mishmash of cliches has kickboxer Shane McQuade entering a tournament in Hong Kong.  His opponent is so confident that he fights while chomping a cigar and wearing sunglasses. The fight is rigged, but Shane decides he’s not going to take a dive because they insulted his manager. So a bunch of bad people lose a lot of money. 

Shane’s manager Paulie is a drunk with a huge mullet.  He tells Shane he made a mistake, but Shane thinks no one will come after him since he’s now their champion fighter. 

When the thugs seek revenge, Paulie is mortally wounded and Shane is literally stabbed in the back. He runs off none the worse for wear and decides he needs to get out of Hong Kong now. Shane lacks basic geographical knowledge of the US since since he isn’t sure if Los Angeles is near Las Vegas.

When Shane hitches a ride, he is picked up by a man who eventually says he recognizes him due to the prior murders.  Oh you didn’t know Shane had previously killed people? Then the guy pulls over and asks Shane to get something out of his trunk. It turns out to be a body, which he instructs Shane to carry into the desert and dig a hole for himself and the body.  The man surely regrets this plan as Shane starts beating him to death with his own shovel. 

Surprisingly the Hong Kong martial arts scene is front page news in Los Angeles.  Trying to keep a low profile, he starts calling himself Vinnie and heads to Vegas where he meets up with Jason, a friend he hasn’t seen in years who is married to his ex.  Shane gets a job as a bouncer and starts sleeping with one of the dancers.  But his past catches up to him and there is kickboxing and shoot outs. Hurrah.

This movie is sometime amusing and other times boring.  The soundtrack can best be described as interesting and often not applicable to what is happening on screen.  The fight scenes are slow moving, both literally and figuratively.  Some of the kicks or punches are two feet above their heads.  IMDB says the budget was $15,000 and was made in thirteen days.  

Oh Storm, how do we tell you the fights are lame

Nothing like wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar in a fight

King of mullets

Our hero who has murdered people

The shootout in the Astro van

Boom mic alert

Cinderella Curse (2024)

Cinderella, aka Ella, is a slave for her stepmother and stepsisters. She is beaten and abused on a daily basis, and the only kindness she knows is from another servant and her son. After Ella’s stepmother and stepsisters beat the servant almost to death, they force Ella to deliver the death blow and dispose of the body. 

The only bright spot in Ella’s life is the prince has asked her to the ball.  Her stepmother is furious since she wants one of her own daughters to be the prince’s date and Ella is forbidden to go.

When Ella finds an old book, her fairy godmother appears and offers her three wishes.  This isn’t the godmother of the typical Cinderella fairy tale, but a faceless goon looking for payback for the wishes. 

Ella gets dressed up, heads to the ball and dances with the prince.  But she quickly learns it was all a prank as the prince throws her to the ground and spits on her. The crowd laughs at Ella for thinking a prince could love her, and the prince encourages everyone to spit on and beat her. 

At this point the clock strikes midnight and Ella realizes she has one final wish.  If you guessed it’s revenge, you’d be correct. Thus starts a blood bath with the godmother and her minions, as well as Ella going Carrie on those who’ve wronged her.

This is a miserable movie about miserable people. They play it as if they are doing Shakespeare, but it’s so far from it. The score is distracting rather than adding tone to the scene. For an ITN movie, the production values are better than usual. However there are numerous haircuts that do not match the time period, as electric lamps throughout the castle and ballroom. 

The guy in the fade destroys any semblance of the time period

The modern lamp

Another modern lamp with a cord

There appears to be a light switch on the wall

Jack and Jill 3 (2023)

It’s been ten years since the last murders so Wendy feels safe to meet her teacher alone in the hills. This is unfortunate since her professor is a predator and the lack of murders seems to have been misstated.  The characters are dispatched and never spoken of again.

Over on another hill, the Bloody Bones reality show meets with their  seven contestants who need to spend 48 hours in Jack and Jill country. Their first task is to go into the hills to find Jill’s book.  How do they know about the book, and is it actually possible to find it?

When some of the contestants aren’t comfortable with splitting up and roaming the hills, the host threatens no agents will want to work with them if they don’t do what they’re told. I’m not sure how that’s a viable threat since none of them are actors.

One contestant is a true crime enthusiast and tells everyone there is definitely nothing to fear. She reiterates her knowledge of the case and that there have been no murders for ten years. So why all the missing posters? They obviously aren’t ten years old. It seems murder would be the first thought if people are still going missing.

At one point the hosts pretend to be Jack and Jill, hoping to get reactions from the contestants.  When the contestants attack them, the hosts call them idiots.  But it seems more the other way around.

Once again like in the first two movies, the biggest question about Jack and Jill is why do they talk like cavemen? They were around 10 years old when they went into the hills. It’s not like they’d lose their vocabulary and speech patterns.  

It’s a low budget, barely watchable movie.  Watch for the most lack luster choking with a phone cord ever. The phone on the table doesn’t even move. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Only people with a death wish would dare spend the night at Newberry Hill.

The best tv comes from the people who don’t know they’re on it.

I will remind you all that if you don’t abide by the contracts that you all willingly signed, we may have to take legal actions.

Agents and professionals like us won’t want to work with you if you don’t play right.

Missing posters taped to a rock

The camera is reflected in her glasses

Why are missing posters on the chimney inside the house?

This is why you don’t give everyone a camera