Drive Thru (2007)

Orange County's rich teens sure love their gangsta clothes, pool parties, and haunted houses for yearbook fund raising. They also love fast food restaurant Hellaburger, with it's creepy Horny the Clown mascot.

McKenzie and boyfriend Fisher accidentally use a ouija board at the end of their rocking pool party, and unleash a force that keeps leaving clues to let McKenzie know who is going to die next. Unfortunately the clues are so obscure that they aren't at all useful and McKenzie essentially spins in circles with a bag over her head, metaphorically speaking of course.

The first clue was the license plate number of her friends, who left the party early to get food at Hellaburger. It seems like a rich girl such as McKenzie should have better food than Horny the Clown, but I guess since these friends were the ghetto white rappers of Orange County, they needed to get their fast food fix.

Once McKenzie figures out that the kids who are dying all have a connection to her Mom's old high school friends, Mom is forced to reveal her horrible secret, and we're forced to admit that this is way too much into Nightmare on Elm Street territory to be a coincedence.

Killer Clowns are inherently spooky, and a drive thru clown with his big head and large metal plated mouth is just plain creepy. But the writing is so horrible that it is completely distracting and overwhelms anything you might be able to say that would be positive. Only those who want to see evil clowns or dont' care about the quality of their slasher flicks should watch this one.

Lastly I must comment about the darkroom scenes. McKenzie is horrified as she hangs up her 8x10 glossy prints to dry. They show her friends at the time of their death. But in order to make her prints, she would have had to: look at the negatives; align and focus them in the enlarger; expose the photographic paper; put the paper in the developer to keep an eye on when to remove it and place it in the stop bath; then leave it in the fixer for at least a few minutes. Also it is customary to do a contact sheet from the negatives before this process to see which negatives are worth printing. So her darkroom experience is just ridiculous.

But not as ridiculous as the fact that her prints were black and white, the dark room only had b/w enlargers, yet at the police station, her photos are miraculously in color?!

Stephen King's Desperation (2006)

A small town Sheriff who is possessed by an ancient spirit named Tak begins hauling highway travelers to the local jail, if he doesn't kill them first.

David, son of Ralph aka Max Headroom, has taken up praying and sees a vision of his dead sister who hands him a lump of glowing kryptonite, which turns out to be green soap. David soaps himself up, slips through the bars, gets a gun to kill the dog the sheriff left in charge, and releases the rest of the jailed victims.

Once outside, the group loses it's grip on cranial functioning and hides in the old theater. Rather than running away or sending someone to get help, they hang out on the stage and talk, thus ensuring the death of a few more of the characters.

For such an all powerful deity, Tak's well is extremely lame, and as his disembodied voice uselessly yells for one of our heroes to go away, we are left wondering how he took over the Sheriff's body and killed everyone in the aptly named desert town, Desperation.

The credits list someone as "pie carver". Oddly enough I have no idea who that is as no one was addressed by that moniker and no one carved any pies.

Scream Baby Scream (1969)

This is a movie about artists and the evil that they do. Art students Jason and Janet are dating. Janet admires the bizarre paintings of local legend Mr. Butler, who paints pictures of disfigured people. Butler's creepy art along with his sauve manner leave Janet smitten.

Jason is insanely jealous, and hates Butler and his stupid paintings. Jason, Janet, and their friends take LSD for the first time and go on a motorcycle ride - real smart. They trip out, start seeing double, go to the zoo, and imagine they are in the monkey cage acting like monkeys.

There are purply faced monsters that kidnap people. The makeup looks pretty sketchy, and their presence is never explained. I suppose they could be the monsters that Butler paints, except they are normal looking guys with a little grease paint on their faces.

After Jason and Janet have a big fight, Janet goes missing. When Jason searches for her, he ends up at Butler's house and havoc ensues. The makeup on Janet is disturbing but incredibly unrealistic. It looks a lot like papiermache attached to her face.

The film is along the lines of the ultimate in killing for their art movie, Herschell Gordon Lewis's Color Me Blood Red. I'd recommend that movie over this one, but this does boast lines like, "Yesterday's nightmare is today's dream and tomorrow's reality." Huh?

Casual Fridays (2002)

If you're one of those people who likes to watch or tape unintentionally funny and stupid things you stumble upon while watching tv, then you'll love Casual Fridays. It's over an hour of clips from tv shows and infomercials that will make your head spin. You'll see clips of a dreadlocked Billy Idol from his Cyperpunk period, painful public access talent shows, talentless acting, badly written 80s tv shows, Gary Coleman in court, news errors, and much more.

The dvd is put out by TV Carnage and there are other volumes available as well.

Primeval (2007)

A news team is sent to Africa to film and capture a giant crocodile that is terrorizing the people of Burundi. They are teamed with a croc expert and Jacob Krieg, a man obsessed with tracking and killing the big croc. Jurgen Prochnow, who plays Krieg, kept reminding me of Quint from Jaws, due to his preoccupation with the killing the great beast.

Krieg has constructed a cage that will hold the twenty five foot long croc, who he calls Gustave. Or rather, Krieg thinks it will hold Gustave since there is no way to test a cage made to contain a giant crocodile.

Gustave's skin is too thick for tranquilizer darts, so they use a tracking device. They shoot it into Gustave when he's underwater and it magically attaches itself to him. As darts can't pierce his skin, it's a mystery as to how they got the tracker to stick.

You'd think a giant croc would cause lots of excitement, but it doesn't. The movie is tame and predictable, and only for people who love mutant nature gone wild.

Mercenary For Justice (2006)

Steven Seagal is a mercenary...for justice. Seagal plays John Seeger - which inevitably kept reminding me of Pete Seeger and Bob Seger. As is always the case, Seagal's Seeger is the best mercenary on planet earth, which is why a notorious gun-runner kidnaps his dead pal's wife and son. Seeger's pal died in his arms on their last mission, and Seeger promised he'd care for his pal's family. Just how the gun-runner knew that these two people were the bargaining chips that would force Seagal to break into a maximum security prison to rescue the gun-runner's son is anyone's guess.

Parts of the movie are hard to follow since characters appear and disappear, and many scenes don't make sense. But I guess that isn't much of a surprise since this is Seagal. Plus the director's name is Don E. Fauntleroy, which has to be an excuse for this somehow.

CIA agent Dresham and the weasel-y foreigner Chapel both have odd makeup that makes them look way too tan. But at least they don't look like Seagal whose hair is dyed pure black and appears to have the consistency of straw, even in his pronounced widows peak. I must admit I like his wardrobe, which consists mostly of black suits and bright solid colored ties.

This is the only movie in which I have heard someone referred to as a "poophole." Huh? The thug who attempts to rough up Seagal in the men's room utters this insult before attacking. Luckily for Seagal, he's not much of an opponent. But it is unfortunate for the urinals, for when Seagal throws the thug into the wall, the urinals swing side to side because they aren't bolted to the wall, only hung on it?! One urinal even falls to the floor revealing no pipes attached and no hole in the wall where the urinal previously was hanging!

Also there is a scene in which Seagal is in the back seat of a car one second and the next he's across the street and around the corner escaping in a truck. At first I thought it was a continuity problem, but then a character acknowledges Seagal's speed by stating "That man's a ghost!" No! No, he's not! The guy is a freakin' bear!

Attack Force (2006)

Can there be a more generic title? It doesn't even follow the traditional three word titles that most of Seagal's movies use. This title screams out laziness on the part of the film makers. Why couldn't they come up with something better? How about: Attack Force Zero; Attack Force Lawson; Seagal's Attack Force; Attack Seagal's Force; Force of Seagal; Attack Seagal Attack? The possibilities are endless.

Steven Seagal is Marshall Lawson, the most awesome of the awesome elite military agents. After a mission, Lawson and his team take a much needed respite. That's when a few of the good old boys on Lawson's covert special ops team end up out for a night of fun with a prostitute. Too bad, as this floozy is using the new drug CXT which gives her superhuman strength as well an insatiable urge to kill everyone in sight.

Seagal and his young love interest (who I pray was paid very well) investigate the deaths and find that a French lunatic is planning to dump CXT into the water supply, turning everyone into killing machines. That just will not do!

Seagal and his posse set out to kill everyone on CXT, who are easy to spot due to their lunging at people with knives, as well as their freaky eyes which go from normal, to white, and back again. Seagal and the remainder of his elite group are so amazing that they figure out who to kill by looking at their eyes.

The distracting thing about the movie is that there is a fair amount of bad dubbing. The worst of this is the person who dubbed Seagal sounds nothing like him. If they are not showing a close up while he's speaking, you have no idea who is talking. Even in the close ups, the voice coming out of Seagal is confusing as it sounds nothing like him.

With all it's confusion, I do have a few favorite parts:
1. Seagal flails like a little girl during a fight scene (of which there are not many);
2. Seagal's nemesis says "As you know, revenge is a two way street" (huh?);
3. At the beginning of the movie, there is a title on the screen to let us know the location and it says "France, Europe."

I like to think that Seagal wrote both of those gems. (Did I mention he wrote this movie, which I'm sure is why he is referred to as even more super-awesome than he usually is?)

Also of note is that the photo of Seagal on the dvd cover and index appears to have been severely photoshopped as his face is thin, but in the movie Seagal looks like Bloaty McPufferfish.

Flight of the Fury (2006)

A bloated Steven Seagal plays John, a super special awesome Navy Seal who teaches other Navy Seals how to fly the X77, a top secret experimental stealth fighter which becomes completely invisible (gasp!) John is called in by "Eduards Air Force Base" because the pilot who took the stealth plane out for a test, stole it to sell to a foreign faction for tons of money.

I was prepared for confusion since Seagal is the writer. And after the last movie, it wasn't a big surprise to have someone else dub Seagal's voice at random points in the movie. But what I wasn't prepared for is that the most spectacular fantabulous Navy Seal in the world would have no sense of discretion. Instead of hiding the bodies of guards he's killed, he leaves them in plain sight, and instead of opening border gates, he drives right through them after killing the guards. How can this man be a super secret excellent Navy Seal? He's just plain sloppy.

Also the best elite military man in the universe should be more careful when he kills three robbers in a convenience store, especially when his actions are ham fisted and result in the death of the clerk. Seagal is so over the top that half way through the movie I felt like I was watching Will Sasso's Seagal impression on Mad Tv. Seagal has officially become a caricature of himself.

If you want to watch Steven Seagal movies, this certainly meets the criteria. But there's not much else to recommend it.

My favorite awkward lines from the film are:
1. "It's got technology that scares even the shit out of us."
2. "I don't know what they paid him, but whatever they paid him, it was a dump truck full of cash."
3. "Navy Seals are locked and loaded and ready to jump."

and I'm not positive about this because it sounds so stupid, but it's what I heard.
4. Did anyone see you? "Me. I'm scheduled not to be followed."

Desert Warrior (1988)

In the future the earth is a wasteland with warring factions, (isn't it always?) The underground dwellers live in radiation free cavern cities and wear exceptionally clean white future outfits. Those who live on the surface are dirty radiated ruffians who drive vehicles of the future - crappy old cars missing doors and hoods.

In order to propagate their tribe, Lou Ferrigno wears an eye patch and rides a lowrider to search for the perfect woman, which is a young woman who is not sterile from radiation. Lou eventually finds someone to bring to the leader of their clan, but the woman is not willing and manages to convince Lou that it would be a good idea for her to escape.

Part Star Wars, part Mad Max, part Dr. Livingston, and all crap, this movie boasts bad 80s tv music and Lou's enormous eye patch. There is also a little robot and rusty old cars that inexplicably explode and burn for days.

Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers

Friends Rick and Walt decide to take a vacation in at a rustic cabin and stumble across a crashed spaceship with an injured alien. They bring the alien to their cabin and put him in the barn. During the night, the alien's shell cracks and it turns into a hot chick.

The town they are visiting is inhabited by the fanatical religious faction called The Lash of God. There is also a cult of marijuana growing hippies who imprison Rick and Walt in a small bamboo cage. The alien chick discovers their capture and convinces the hippies to let them go.

The movie is full of whacked out mullets and bad haircuts. It's supposed to be a comedy. It's not very funny, but it did seem to have a certain charm to it. I'm not sure why because the writing and acting weren't stellar by any means. Perhaps I was so tired that it seemed okay.

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil (2002)

The district attorney asks Kat to investigate the mutilation murder of an escaped convict found in the Pine Barrens, an area which the Jersey Devil is supposed to inhabit. The DA even goes so far as to suggest Kat keep her mind open because maybe the Jersey Devil is not just a local legend.

The film takes liberties with the actual legend, which will confuse anyone who has previously heard of it, and mislead those who haven't. It's like making a Bigfoot movie and portraying Bigfoot as a serial killer who rips the spine out of anyone who ventures into the woods - it's unnecessary, doesn't add to the story, and the actual legend can provide enough fodder for a good movie without changing the details. Also no one likes it when their local legends are changed, which immediately alienates a large portion of your built-in audience.

Kat, teams up with policemen Ron and Mitch, to investigate the killing and retrieve the mutilated torso. Near the scene, they find a giant "talon" - which in reality resembles a rock, or an indian arrow head, or a piece of coal, but definitely NOT a talon.

The three head over to the Shroud Mansion to visit Mr. Shroud, a strange and brilliant man, who spends his life studying reptiles, but apparently isn't much of a scholar as he tells Kat that the cobra is charmed by the clarinet!? Kat ends up staying overnight at Shroud's mansion, which seems like a really odd thing for an investigator from the DA's office to do, especially in the home of a very strange man.

In a parallel plot, former policeman Riley is locked in an old 1920s looking asylum due to his belief that the Jersey Devil is real and killed his partner. Riley keeps saying he's seen the Devil and claims that it's out to kill him also. The two plot lines conveniently converge near the end of the movie, although otherwise, they don't seem to have anything to do with each other.

The acting in this film is not good. Kat has no facial expressions and no emotion in her voice. It's like she's studied method acting from Steven Seagal. Even Lesley-Anne Down, who plays the DA, delivers her lines as if she's been forced to do the scene at gunpoint. Poor Robert Guillaume, another legitimate actor, gets some of the scripts real klinkers in his role as Riley.

I barely dare to mention the script, but there are scenes that go nowhere, numerous things that make no sense, and the monster's name is Bruno. The last scene with Mr. Shroud - in the foggiest basement ever - is utterly confusing and not clear as to what exactly is happening. Also, Kat is not a good investigator and doesn't seem too bright.

But perhaps the most confusing part is the chronology. The movie starts out in the woods, then cuts to "Present Day, October 31." Shortly after that we are treated to "three days earlier, Oct 28." What another flashback? Then to make things even trickier, we get "two days earlier, Oct 29". Huh?? It was just Oct 28, so...wouldn't two days earlier be Oct 26? Yes, of course it would, but this movie has decided to count everything from Oct 31, just to make it even more confusing. Quite frankly, they could have just gone in chronological order and not done this flashback stuff, but then it might make some sense.

Specters (1987)

Donald Pleasence is Professor Lasky who is in Italy exploring the catacombs that run beneath the city. When subway excavations reveal a hidden chamber, an inscription in it warns of the danger to come to anyone who reads it.

A tour group goes into the catacombs and a couple go off by themselves and get trapped by a cave-in. When the two get seperated the woman screams annoyingly about all the rats trapped with her.

Then in one of the most stupifying moves ever seen, she gets down on the ground and crawls into a burial area with a skeleton. I would think when terrified by a mass of vermin running all over the floor, the last thing one would want to do is lay down on the ground. It gives the rodents access to your entire body rather than just your feet.

It also makes the woman screech ever louder as she is afraid of the skeleton she is spooning up to, as well as the rats crawling all over the place. Not to mention it's just plain dumb to crawl into a hole where you can't be seen while screaming for help.

After finding the inscription, people die, someone gets sucked down into a bed, and lots of strange things happen. Unfortunately I can't tell you much about them as the movie put me into a stupor and by the time the night was over, my memory of what happened was fuzzy indeed. So that ought to tell you all you need to know about this film.

The only thing I was left with when this movie was over was wondering what would have happened if Lasky was the LOL Donald Pleasence.

Cemetery Gates (2006)

Animal liberators steal a massive crate from a scientists laboratory, randomly unleashing a murderous mutant tasmanian devil near an old cemetery. By no coincedence it just happens to be the cemetery that the scientist's son Hunter has rented for the weekend.

Hunter is filming a zombie movie with his friends. While he has big plans for the film, the cast consists of two girls and two zombies. An even bigger problem is that the zombies only have makeup on their faces, not their arms or exposed torsos.

It seems to be common knowledge that the cemetery has a series of old tunnels running under it. This is where Precious (the mutant tasmanian devil) chooses to hide. Yet when Scientist Belmont finds that Precious was released two miles from the cemetery, he wonders where she might be hiding. Belmont is so perplexed, it's almost impossible not to grab your head while screaming, "The tunnels!?!"

As for our monster, Precious digs perfectly round holes in the ground, which no one notices unless they fall into them. While Precious is a fairly stupid looking monster, I'm certainly thankful that this is a real monster suit rather than the crappy CGI that is in way too many movies these days.

The film's main characters are stereotypical horror movie college students with their smoking, drinking, and sexing. There is also a good girl and bad girl, sex starved irresponsible guys and a responsible guy.

While the film isn't great by any means, I really did enjoy how Precious killed as it was so different from what I expected. Precious jumps on the victim and her paws/claws move really fast as tons and tons of blood flies. The dead looked as if buckets of blood were dumped on them. It was so over the top that it was not grotesque.

As for the zombie aspect of the film, it was sadly lacking as the only zombies were the two college students in makeup, and no real zombies ever appear.

Satanic (2006)

After surviving a car crash, Michelle wakes up in the hospital with her head wrapped in gauze and a brain full of amnesia. She has nightmares about the crash, and doesn't recognize herself.

Dr. Barbary, played by the fantastic Angus Scrimm, tells her that she is being transferred to a place called Harmony House, where she will be with kids her own age, which should help in her recovery.

Harmony House is run by the super creepy Bisson and his horrible wife Jackie. Bisson is a little too interested in the young girls, and Jackie accuses poor amnesia-addled Michelle of being interested in her gross husband. Bisson, who packed Michelle's clothes, included lacey nightware, but Jackie blames Michelle. She confiscates Michelle's belongings and as punishment, refuses to give her dinner. Jackie also calls both girls sluts and whores, and has an extremely distasteful disposition.

It is a mystery as to how these two can get kids into Harmony House. It is literally a regular family home, not a group home, and the two don't seem to know anything about helping kids. Bisson makes an attempt at a group session, but he regularly insults the kids and calls them jerks. Jackie is even worse as she takes all the kids belongings and sells them on ebay. The two also make money by selling prescription narcotics that are supposedly going to the kids, and get money from the state for taking care of the kids.

It isn't clear as to why Michelle has been put in a home with juvenile delinquents. Amnesia is her problem, not delinquency. Bisson and Jackie seem incapable of helping messed up kids, let alone one with trauma to the brain. Is it normal for teenage amnesia victims to be released into the care of group homes rather than some sort of psychiatric facility or hospital equipped to deal with this problem?

In Michelle's possession is an elaborate oujia board, and a diary with a pentagram. The diary talks about killing her father and needing his blood for a ritual, but Michelle has no recollection of any of it. Her roommate Dahlia convinces her to have a seance as it is "a form of therapy." Never heard that one before, but I guess since Michelle has amnesia she buys it.

Everyone at Harmony House starts thinking Michelle is dangerous, except for Larry who believes she is sweet and kind. But as the killings start, the question becomes is Michelle the killer and what really happened on the night of the car crash?

While the name of the movie suggests a high satan content, it doesn't come into play for the most part. This movie is another in which there is too much dialogue that isn't very interesting. The twist ending seemed contrived, and has been done better in other movies, but will probably work for some viewers.

One thing that eventually drove me nuts was the repeated footage of Michelle driving up in a van next to a person in a hood and asking them if they wanted a ride. I'm not sure how many times this was repeated in the film, but it happened far too often, and the payoff wasn't worth it.

Demon Hunter (2005)

When an exorcism fails, Jake Greyman is called in to take care of the possessed girl by beating her senseless and stabbing her with his pointy cross. Jake, who is working for the church, is teamed up with a young nun named Sister Sarah to fight the forces of evil. The church's goal is to stop the demon Asmodeus from impregnating Los Angeles prostitutes, in an attempt to birth an evil demon. Yup, that's going to be one classy demon.

While Jake and Sister Sarah, who wears street clothes rather than a nun's habit, run around town trying to track down where Asmodeus will strike next, they argue about good and evil, demons and humans, kindness and killing, etc. It is the classic retelling of the story of Dirty Harry being paired with the new young female cop who can't quite get up the nerve to fire her gun.

At one point a policeman finds Jake and Sarah in someone elses home. Jake immediately grabs the cop around the throat, but Sarah begs Jake not to hurt him as he's just doing his job. Eventually Jake releases the poor cop, who falls to the floor, immobile. And when Jake speaks to the Cardinal, he states that he has left the cop incapacitated. Oddly enough the Cardinal is okay with incapacitating others.

While not a horrible film, it's also not a particularly interesting one either. There is far too much dialogue, which wouldn't be a problem if it were relevant but its not. Or when Asmodeus states "I take what's not given to me", all I could think of was, does that mean he does not take what is given to him?

The demon horns and hands weren't very inspiring either. Rather than the demon hands inspiring fear, all I could think was that they were little piggly wiggly hands, which isn't scary at all.

I must mention that there was one line in the movie that was so horribly written that it made me laugh out loud. It was uttered by Sister Sarah when she said, "She was an orphan, and her parents were dead." Bwaahahaha.... Yes, I'm glad you let me know that the orphans parents were dead, otherwise I would have tried to call them. Thank you oh so much, Sister Redundant Nun!

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

After Julian's uncle is killed, Julian finds a secret room in his attic which contains two barrels, which are the property of the US army. Julian and his girlfriend Jen decide that it would be a good idea to see what is in the barrel. So they cart it over to his friend Cody, a science major.

Although Cody isolates several elements contained in the liquid siphoned from the container, he can't specify what it is or if its dangerous. This doesn't stop the mentally deficient rave dj Jeremy from dipping his finger in it and tasting it.

Soon after, Jeremy starts hallucinating as well as drooling. When he snaps out of it, he professes the trip was awesome and they can get rich selling it.

Julian wants no part of this as they don't know if it has side effects, or even what is it, and says he'll be back the next day to pick up the barrel. Cody proves to be a poor scientist - as well as a poor friend - when he and Jeremy immediately make the liquid into pill form, and sell it to the college drug dealer. The new drug called Z (because it makes you so high you act like a zombie) is all over campus by the next day.

While Jeremy is setting up for his big rave in the desert, Jen discovers the barrel is now open and whatever was in it has left slime on the floor. Julian and Cody rush to the lab to investigate and all three run into freshly dead zombies, Interpol agents, and the slimey zombie from the barrel.

The barrel zombie manages to escape, and it finally dawns on Cody that it was a really bad idea to sell pills made from the mystery liquid. While Interpol, Julian, Jen, and Cody rush out to Jeremy's rave in an attempt to stop the sale and consumption of Z, the barrel zombie tries to hitch a ride on the freeway.

Anyone who takes three pills of Z at once immediately becomes a zombie. Those who consume one pill at a time take longer to die, first developing a cough and feeling cold. Eventually all the characters end up at Jeremy's big rave, where its a race to see if they can stop the sale of Z to the rave crowd, as well as save Jeremy from the side effects.

The questionable premise of Jeremy tasting the liquid from the barrel isn't believable. Would anyone really be so stupid that they would taste liquid from a mystery barrel with a US Army logo on it? Is the quest for a new high so mind numbing that they would have no concept that this stuff could be toxic waste or have horrendous side effects? What if it was some sort of agent orange rehash?

And as if tasting the liquid wasn't annoying enough, the character of Jeremy appears to be based on the ideas of a forty year old who had watched a ten year old documentary on techno. Jeremy was so annoying, I wanted to smack his hat right off his head and kick him in the hinder.

If you're looking for a good zombie movie, this isn't it. The characters are stupid and annoying, some of the acting is pretty bad, and the plot is too contrived. But if you're interested in seeing a random zombie movie or watching ravers get attacked by zombies, this movie will do.

Caved In: Prehistoric Terror (2005)

Christopher Atkins is John Palmer, a cave guide whose wife, bratty teenage daughter, and trying-to-prove-he's-manly teenage son help out with his tourist day trips. But John is not just any spelunker, he's a reknowned cave guide who is hired by a group of Europeans to travel deep into an old mine where rumors have it there is a cache of emeralds. Unfortunately the rumors forgot to mention that there are also man-sized bugs with giant pincers that will tear a person in half, which is why the mine was abandoned in 1948.

John leads the group into the mine, where they find the electricity still working, as well as the elevator. Honestly, I can't imagine anyone getting into a wooden elevator that hadn't been used in over fifty years, jumping up and down on it, declaring it safe, and loading it with people. There seems to be no concept that after so many years of disuse, especially in a cave, that the pulleys and other mechanisms might not be safe or work properly. There is also no thought of how they might get out of the mine shaft, which is over 300m deep, if the elevator ceases to function, and no thought of the possibility of methane in the long closed mine. Just what sort of reknown does John have anyway?

John's lack of brain power compells him to swing across a gap where the wooden walkway has decayed (but what if the other side can't support his weight?!). He smartly advises the group to stay against the wall due to the possible unstability of the edge of the cliff, and then proceeds to practically step off the edge himself.

In subplots, John's teenage daughter likes the young killer Stephan, and John's son tries to prove he's a man by going down into the mine on his own. Not only does the boy break a rung on the ladder, falling like a sack of potatoes onto the dirt floor, he also rides down into the mine on the old elevator, swings across the fallen walkway, and traipses deeper and deeper into the mine on his own - perhaps he is looking for his brain.

The cgi bugs look really bad. Not that they don't look like human sized bugs, but they appear to be bugs sitting on top of a photo, not actually in the photo. It's very disconcerting in the scenes where the humans are screaming in terror, when it is obvious the bugs are not even on the set.

Not a good movie, although sometimes it's stupid enough to be amusing. To quote from one of the characters who I can't even be bothered to remember, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?!? Your plan's not just being ripped apart. It's being ripped apart by giant bugs!"

Shark Zone (2003)

Jimmy Wagner has nightmares about the day he was scuba diving with his father, a former navy seal, and the sharks arrived. Dad had taken some tourists to dive near a shipwreck, but the arrogant tourists thumbed their noses at his safety tips and went off on their own. This act of ignorance made them prime shark bait and the only person to come up from the dive was Jimmy.

With the back story in place, we cut to ten years later where Jimmy - having not aged a day - has a hot wife, a young son, and a job watching over the beaches. The upcoming festival has everyone excited, especially Mayor John Cortell, as crowds will flock to the town and take advantage of their lovely beaches and water sports, which translates to mucho tourist money.

Unfortunately it is at this time that Jimmy's past comes back to haunt him. The festival is sponsored by the evil Russian Volkoff, who insists on going out to the old shipwreck and having Jimmy guide him. There are supposed to be diamonds on the wreck and Volkoff wants them.

It is also at this point that the sharks start eating humans again. It always happens right before the big holiday weekends or summer festivals. With stock shark footage a-swimming, Jimmy insists that the Mayor shut down the beaches! But damn it, the mayor is not going to ruin the festival, or alienate the sponsor, Volkoff.

With cries of "You need to shut down the beaches" and "Everyone out of the water - we've got sharks!", plus a mayor who refuses to risk the town's revenue against a man who refuses to risk people's lives for profit, you end up with a sub-par version of "Jaws".

Jimmy is a fairly useless hero as much of his shark hunting is done by looking through binoculars, watching his friends get mauled in shark cages, or dropping bombs into the ocean in random attempts to kill any shark that happens to be in the area at that moment.

While it is essentially a poorly done rewrite of Jaws, there is some laugh value in it's lack of logic, ridiculous plot points, Volkoff's inarticulate mumbling, and the fact that the actor who plays Jimmys dad is the same one who plays the mayor. With meaningless lines like, "If you mess with this festival, it's going to be more vicious than a shark attack!", how can you not laugh?

The Bloody Dead (1967)

aka Die Blaue Hand

David Emerson is locked in an insane asylum for murders that he claims were committed by his twin brother, Richard. David's room is filled with manikins in various poses, including two hanging from the ceiling in nooses. No idea why, but it certainly gives the appearance that he's not right in the head.

When David escapes from the asylum, he heads back to the family mansion. A guard from the asylum tracks him to the house, enters the corridors which are lined with suits of armor, and is killed by someone wielding The Blue Hand, an armored glove with knife tips at the end of each finger. Spooky.

David pretends to be his twin brother Richard, which works okay as Lady Emerson was never able to tell them apart. Richard has disappeared, but since David is there, no one realizes it. Head of the asylum, Dr. Montague, is involved in many nefarious doings, and eventually slips a mickey to the detective looking for David. I still can't believe the guy drank it.

The cover made the film appear as if it were a bloody living dead movie. While it wasn't that at all, it did turn out to be very entertaining.

Honeymoon of Fear (1972)

aka Fear in the Night

Young bride Peggy, who recently suffered a nervous breakdown, is repeatedly attacked by someone wearing a black glove and a fake arm. Her husband Robert is skeptical and thinks it is her imagination.

Robert and Peggy move into an apartment at a boys school, where Robert has a job. As Peggy wanders the empty corridors, she hears a class being taught. But when she opens the door, the room is empty. As she looks around the room, headmaster Michael steps out behind her, giving her a start. Michael shows Peggy around the school before creepily getting his hand stuck in her hair while assisting in letting her hair down.

Back at the apartment, Peggy is attacked by the black-gloved, fake-armed man. Once again, her husband thinks she's imagining things. At this point, things were moving so slowly, the tape came out of the VCR.

This is a Hammer film, which explains the slower pacing since British films concentrate on dialogue rather than action. Peter Cushing as headmaster Michael, was suitably strange and interesting. Joan Collins played the typical bitch, which she does so well. But the film moved too slowly, especially after viewing the cover photo and description on the back.

Assassin (1986)

When Robert Golem, a killer robot built by the CIA, runs amuck, retired agent Henry Stanton is called to help capture him and protect Mary Casallas, an agent who helped program Golem. Mary informs Henry that the only way to stop Golem is to shoot him in the stomach, as this is the only vulnerable part of his body and where his brain is housed. The only other Achilles heel that Golem has is he must recharge every seventy-two hours via a 220 outlet... using his built-in extention cord. During this thirty minute recharge, he can not defend himself.

This isn't a great movie, but there are a few unintentionally funny bits, such as Henry telling Mary it's safe for her to enter her apartment as he's searched the entire thing, except for the locked closet. Cut to an alarmed Mary exclaiming "what locked closet?", as Golem bursts through the closet door. Oh Henry.... maybe you shouldn't have come out of retirement.

Sledgehammer (1983)

Sledgehammer has to be seen to believed. It is a low tech, shot on video film with the most excessive use of slow motion footage I have ever seen. It's like your uncle just got a new camcorder - back when they were massive things that had to sit on your shoulder - and he was experiementing with the new slo-mo feature.

There doesn't seem to be any reason for it either. It appears totally randomly and makes the movie unbearable. There are slow motion scenes of luggage throwing, walking in a field, walking in a hallway, shutting a door, turning a doorknob, people listening to a scary story, fighting, falling, and more of the same all over again.

The story is about a bunch of friends who plan to stay the weekend in an old cabin that hasn't been lived in for ten years due to murders that took place there. While the outside shot looks like an old cabin, when the gang goes inside, it looks like a modern day condo.

The group is supposed to be a fun loving bunch, but they act like idiots. They make lame jokes, have a nasty food fight, and get drunk. There's a subplot that goes nowhere involving the main couple who aren't sure whether to get married, even though the guy already asked her and she said yes.

Chuck, the muscular blond leading man, decides to have a seance where they will try to contact the spirits of the two people murdered by a sledgehammer in the livingroom. The story is that a man and woman were having an affair in the cabin. The woman locked her little boy in the closet so he wouldn't get in their way. The two adulterers were murdered, but the little boy was never found.

As Chuck weaves his tale of death, his friend goes into another room and uses a boombox to play a tape with a spooky voice, which is supposed to fool the others. Chuck's seance also awakens the hulking ghostly sledgehammer killer, who has apparently just been waiting for someone to have a seance in the cabin.

The killer goes to the room with boombox and kills the friend....with a knife. But what about the sledgehammer he was carrying? Where'd he get the knife? No explanation is ever offered. The rest of the killing is done with a sledgehammer but its extremely tame. There isn't much blood and other than the opening segments sledgehammer to the back of the head, there aren't any special effects - just blood smeared on people.

There is a soft focus on some scenes, which is pointless. The hallway is the narrowest hallway in existence, (you wouldn't be able to get any furniture through it). At one point, the killer appears in the hallway, and you can see that the "wall" behind him is not even attached to anything as there is a big gap on the left side. Also the killer must widen his stance to step over the cameraman who is shooting from the floor.

There are flashbacks in the film which are the exact same footage from earlier in the film!??! We've already seen it, and even if they felt the need to refresh our memories, they didn't have to show the entire scene.

The acting is subpar. Chuck does a really bad Bill Murray imitation during one drunken scene. No one can realistically imitate being drunk, which is a problem since much of their time is spent drinking. The food fight scene in the kitchen is really strange, and its just plain gross watching the guy in the football jersey shove an entire sandwich into his mouth.

I liked the record player in the cabin, but they were listening to 45s and had no spindle to stack them on. This means that someone is going to have to get up to change the record every two to three minutes, which is not practical during a party.

The killer is a huge hulking figure in a clear halloween mask - the ones that bank robbers used to wear during the 70s. He appears and disappears randomly. Then he changes into the little boy who was locked in the closet. Then he changes back to the hulk. Why?

We are left with so many questions and no explanations. Why does the killer randomly change into the little boy and back again? If the little boy died, then why is the killer a behemouth instead of a little boy? How and where did the boy die? Since he was never found, he didn't die there, so why is his ghost haunting this cabin? Why would a seance bring back the killer instead of the victims? Why does the sledgehammer randomly appear and disappear? Is it a ghost? If you have a sledgehammer and you're huge, why would you kill someone with a knife?

The scariest thing about this movie is the hair. This is 80s blow dried hair at its worst. The guy with the massive mullet blow dry do and mustache is the scariest. But the lead couple both have the same mullet so that's not very pleasant either.

Parasite (1982)

When Parasite was originally released in theaters, it was in 3D. While the effect is not used in the home video, we do get the benefit of the odd shots of things coming towards the camera: a steel pipe pierces a body and blood flows out; a thug sticks his fingers into the parasite tube; a gun barrel points toward the audience; a parasite falls from the ceiling, and even parasites bursting from flesh.

The story starts with Paul, a scientist with a moldy parasitic stomach, who heads out into the post apocalyptic landscape, ending up in Joshua, population 64. There is a distinction made between city fellas and the lawless rurals who only accept silver in payment for services. Gas is $40 a gallon, and the local eatery only has canned fruit, canned beer, and canned soup, which is apparently scarce. The other major difference is the city people have laser guns and fancy vehicles, while the rural faction has shotguns and beatup old cars with no hoods and missing doors.

The towns inhabitants are decent citizens, except for the local gang of annoying twenty somethings who appear to be trying to terrorize people, but mostly seem to annoy them. The only person afraid of them is our scientist friend Paul, who tells them he doesn't want any trouble and begs them to let him go. Well, as everyone knows, that is a sure way to keep being harrassed by a bully. The gang drag Paul and his parasite cylander to their hangout in an old garage, and even though Paul warns them not to open the tube, they do, unleashing the parasitic horror that awaits within.

Within this frame work there is also: Demi Moore, the lemon grove girl, who provides fresh lemons to the bar owner; the Merchant, a city dweller who works for the same company Paul did and is trying to track down Paul and his parasites; and old Ms. Daly, the hotel owner, who looks like an olde tyme movie star, what with the makeup, 8x10 glossys on the wall, and the star painted on her door.

If this movie had been like "Piranha", it would have been fantastic. Unfortunately it appears that the emphasis was on the 3D aspect rather than excitement. The pacing of the story is very slow, especially when you're expecting to see something - anything - happen relating to parasites and carnage.

School of Death (1975)

aka El Colegio de la Muerte.

Matrons at a girls orphanage send girls to a melty-faced scientist's mansion where he straps them down and pokes a sharp object into their brain. Obviously this does not have a positive outcome, and the girls die. I'm confused as to what he was hoping to accomplish since he did the same thing to each girl. You'd think he'd try something different if his objective was something other than rendering them dead.

The film takes place in London in the 1800s, and has a feel very much like the Hammer films. It has no blood, guts, or nudity.

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

Dolph Lundren is big meaty Detective Kenner, who is teamed with new partner Brandon Lee. Lee plays Johnny, a sinewy sidekick to Dolph's stoic intensity, or if you prefer, his lack of expression. Lee doesn't do any steller acting in this film, but at least he's no Dolph.

Yoshida (played by the always excellent Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) is an evil, tattooed Yakuza druglord who plans to distribute methamphetamines to make an even bigger fortune. In an incredible twist of fate, which you see coming a mile away, Yoshida turns out to be the assassin that murdered Dolph's parents when he was a child living in Japan. Tia Carrera is a lounge singer who works for Yoshida, and is a witness to a murder at the club. She is also Dolph's love interest, thus complicating things for everyone.

The majority of the film revolves around Kenner and Johnny beating the hell out of everyone who crosses their path. It is a bit odd to see them beating up Yakuzas in a bath house. But that way the Yakuza can wear traditional sumo diapers, and the two buff cops clothing can get all wet and clingy. Yes, it makes no sense, but since there are also a lot of low brow phallic jokes in the film, perhaps they were intending to promote Dolph's massive bulk.

The film is a fairly typical 80s action flick, although the acting is subpar, which is too bad since its not like the bar was set very high, what with Chuck Norris being the top action hero of the 80s.

Howling IV (1988)

Mystery writer Marie and her husband Richard rent a cottage in the middle of nowhere to get some quiet after Marie's breakdown. Marie's agent, Tom, thinks it will help her write, but there is tension between Tom and Richard which causes problems when Tom drives Marie to the cottage.

Everytime Marie and Richard go to bed a wolf howls. This makes Marie freak out and the sexually frustrated Richard finally runs off to the nearest small town to get supplies. He starts sleeping with the pomaded, skanky, gift store lady, which means that anytime Marie questions him or gets upset, his guilt causes him to treat her badly.

After a visit from a former nun looking for the bug eyed Sister Ruth, who disappeared while renting the cottage, Marie realizes that this is the nun she has seen telling her to get out of the cottage.

One night Marie wakes up to find Richard missing and hears a scream from outside, which turns out to be Richard with a huge wound in his neck. As her werewolf bitten husband melts - since when do werewolf bites make people melt?!? - Ruth sees figures in the woods and hears their chants of "Satan Calls You." Richards melty blood covered skeleton then morphs into a gooey werewolf.

This film might have some of the lamest werewolf costumes ever. Everyone looks like they have fun fur glued to their face and strange looking huge teeth that don't look much like werewolf teeth. If I had to describe the creatures, I'd say the werewolves look like are giant furry trolls with fake pointy teeth.

Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)

A long haired Australian rides into town on a motorcycle, goes to the only bar in town, and gets a job. There is lots of line dancing and pointless dialogue.

In an abrupt switch in storyline, a man goes to a priest and tells him a werewolf story. The story goes nowhere but introduces the concept that when everything turns red, you know you've looking at the werewolf cam. And from the height of the camera, the werewolf is only a foot off the ground, which isn't so impressive.

Another not so impressive thing about this movie is it is almost entirely void of werewolves. There are only two werewolf cam scenes, which are very brief, and an even briefer scene of a werewolf itself. To be totally honest, the person who is the werewolf goes through a terrible morphing process and becomes a werewolf puppet with teeth that are obviously rubber.

The film seems to be more an excuse to promote some bad country songs, shoot footage of spookily lit line dancing, and use footage from previous Howling movies for their flashbacks - and werewolf footage from a previous movie does not count as an appearance by a werewolf in the current movie.

I kept waiting for something to happen in the film, but it never did. I would only recommend this if you are on a quest to see every Howling movie, or if you like your werewolf movies without werewolves.

The Power (1984)

The last Aztec idol in the world which holds ancient power falls into the hands of three high school students. Tommy brings it as his good luck charm to the cemetery, where he meets Matt and Juile who have a Ouija board. In typical midnight graveyard fashion, something goes horribly wrong and the kids want to find out about the idol.

They contact Sandy who works as a reporter for a tabloid, but surprisingly she isn't interested. Her friend, Jerry, who is staying at her house, convinces the kids to give him the idol. His interest in the idol grows once he gets a sense of it's power. Unfortunately it is the idol that is really in charge of the power and Jerry gets so strange that Sandy kicks him out of her apartment. But to be fair, Sandy is a total pain in the ass, and Jerry should have gotten out of there anyway.

After messing with the power, Jerry temporarily ends up with this freaky nose that looks like a cross between a pig, a trident, and a phallus. Super creepy. Later in the film he lets out this pathetic whine sounding like "Nyeeehhhhh..." and appears to be dancing ballet or some sort of modern dance.

Also of note are Julie's bangs. At first they are severely short, but later they are at least an inch or two longer, and feathered back.

Alucarda (1978)

Orphaned Justina moves into a convent where she shares a room with Alucarda, a strange girl who immediately gloms onto Justina and forms a suicide pact with her within the first day. They are cared for by the nuns, who look like mummies due their heads being wrapped in bloody bandages.

Alucarda and Justina gallavant through the forest and run into a hunchback gypsy, who ends up involving them in a satanic ritual which at first appears to be a dream sequence. They also play in an old tomb, where Alucarda opens a coffin and releases howling evil. The girls commence to swear their allegiance to Satan during the holy readings, which leads to an exorcism in which Justina is accidentally killed, and Alucarda conveniently forgets about their suicide pact.

This movie has lots of blood and naked women, but mostly it has screaming. Lots and lots and lots of screaming, which continues through the entire movie. At first its annoying. Then it becomes so ridiculous that it's funny. But by the end of the movie, it's intensely annoying and drives you almost to the point of insanity.

The dvd cover features a creepy looking image of Alucarda - very nicely done.

Twice Dead (1988)

A family inherits a home and moves in sight unseen, which is unfortunate since it's the hangout for a local gang, filled with junk, and lacks utilities. It is also the former home of Tyler Walker, an olde tyme magician who committed suicide after his beloved assistant - who is the families great aunt - left him for another man.

Rumors are the house is haunted, and indeed Tyler's ghost still haunts the third floor, which is filled with his possessions including a life size mannequin of the great aunt. Strange things happen, such as a noose wrapping itself around Scott's neck in the middle of the night, but none of the other family members believe there is a ghost present. Robin is the spitting image of her great aunt, and Tyler's ghost starts to help the family protect themselves from the gang of toughs, who consist of Silk, Crip, Stoney, Candy, Melvin, and two others.

Mom and Dad head back to Boulder to deal with some business problems, leaving Scott and Robin alone in the huge mansion, which is a real smart thing to do considering the gang has been stalking them. It's even more ridiculous as there had just been an incident in the middle of the night where the gang showed up in halloween masks, killed Robin's cat and nailed it to the backdoor, tried to rape Robin, and beat the hell out of Scott. Of course, the police won't do anything because no one actually saw the gangs faces. Yes, but let's leave the kids alone in the house. They'll be fine.

Scott and Robin decide to scare the gang off, which seems insane considering that something as harmless as asking the gang to stop hanging out at their home had made them targets for stalking and harrassment. The kids concoct an elaborate plan to scare the hell out of everyone and succeed. But instead of making the gang leave them alone, it just makes Silk even angrier and more interested in making them pay for humiliating him.

Late one night, an uncalled for pizza delivery guy shows up on their doorstep. Since it's the last stop of the night, the delivery boy says he'll sell it to them for five bucks as he'll just have to trash it otherwise. Scott agrees and is soon eating pizza and drinking coke, which oddly enough came in a container that looks like a cross between a paper milk carton and a dixie cup. Was soda ever really sold in this type of odd container?

Later Scott wakes up in a daze to find the entire gang partying in his living room. Seems the whole pizza ploy was arranged by Silk who put "liquid lude" in the coke carton. Crip goes upstairs with Robin, while the gang wreaks havoc downstairs, complete with the extremely corpulent Melvin repeatedly running over Tyler's mannequin with his motorcyle. Tyler just won't stand for this, and the gangs downfall begins.

Something to note: in the beggining of the film when the family is driving in the car, the close up scenes of the two kids appear to be two entirely different actors that closely resemble them.

Blood Song (1995)

Marius, a cutrate drunken composer, is hired to finish a symphony by the beautiful Gabriella, whose uncle was killed by vigilantes before he could finish the piece. Gabriella believes this will be a marvelous song to play at her upcoming wedding, which is very odd since the music sounds a bit dissonant and is titled Symphony for the Devil.

Carlotta, the uncles maid, is still caring for the house. She turns out to be waiting for the uncle to come back to life, which starts to occur once Marius gets to work on completing the piece. However Marius is starting to see the late uncles reflection when he looks in the mirror. He is also getting super drunk and having dreams in which he goes to the local brothel and kills prostitutes with piano wire. Oiks!! Gabrielle insists that Marius was at home all night, but the constable does not believe her. Neither does her fiance Julien, who wants Marius out of the house.

As the symphony becomes more complete, Gabrielle's late uncle inhabits Marius more frequently, and there are more dead prostitutes. The late uncles inhabitation is annoying later in the film, as some scenes have a tendency to show a shot of Marius, then a shot of the uncle in the mirror, over and over. It's disconcerting as it almost appears as if some random conversation is going on or as if he's talking to himself.

Trog (1970)

Oh Trog, you just know things aren't going to go well for the poor fellow. Spelunkers discover a cave not on any maps, and excited by their find, strip down to their underwear to swim under a ledge as far as they can. The first explorer finds... another cave (heavens!), and a large hairy apeman which promptly kills him.

Scientist Joan Crawford leads an expedition, along with one of the surviving spelunkers, to verify the apeman story and gets a fantastic photo of Trog throwing a rock at them. With this undisputable proof, Trog is quickly captured and confined to a cage in Crawfords lab. He's actually quite well behaved considering he's been ripped from his dark underground home and planted in a small cell where strange people stare at him, call him Trog, and attempt to teach him how to play with dolls.

While Trog has a huge ape head with apey hair cascading from it, the rest of his body is that of a man. He is even wearing a fur loin cloth. If he truly is the missing link, he might look a bit less like a man with an ape mask. The sounds he makes are like a cross between a lamb and a squeeky toy.

Crawford insists that Trog's brain holds secrets. In order to learn about evolution and past history, they must find a way to communicate with him. I suppose that could be true, if Trog happens to be a million years, but what if he's only thirty? So they implant a transmitter inside him, which is ridiculous as it doesn't seem like a great idea to operate on the only creature of it's kind when you know nothing about it's anatomy.

Afterwards Trog does manage to say one word, and we see a short film of dinosaurs, which I guess is supposed to be from Trog's memories. But mostly Trog just makes unintelligible noises, which start sounding more and more like a cross between a bad Peter Lorre imitation and a dalek.

You just know things aren't going to end well for Trog, especially after he kills Murdoch - an outspoken Trog hater - and kidnaps a little girl from a playground, taking her back to his home. I must mention that I am quite impressed by Trog's homing technique as I can't imagine how he could find his way back to the cave.

Crawford, whose hair appears to grow bigger and bigger throughout the film, talks Trog into giving back the girl, which means the army can then open fire on poor little Trog. Apparently they are bad shots as they have to shoot about a thousand rounds to even hit Trog, who then falls onto a stalagmite and die.

Mind Ripper (1995)

Scientists find a dying man in the desert and bring him back to their top secret underground experimental genetics lab to see what will happen if they pump him full of a virus. Six months later Lance Henriksen (who resigned from the facility due to ethical reasons) is getting ready for a camping trip with his kids when he gets a call that there is a problem with the guy with the virus. Lance heads out to the secret lab, taking his children and daughters oversexed boyfriend with him.

Security is pretty lax as even though he hasn't worked there in months, he can still gain entrance to the lab by scanning his hand and punching in a code. Since he's bringing three teenagers into the top secret underground genetic testing facility, I guess no one is all that concerned about the danger of toxic chemicals, nuclear fallout (as it's an old nuclear testing site), or the virus ridden genetic experiment gone amuck that necessitated the request for his help.

The half dead virus infested man has turned into a rampaging Chippendales dancer with an alien-like tentacle in his mouth, which comes out from under his tongue and zips into peoples brains. It's pretty disgusting, as well as a bit stupid looking as our muscle bound mutant has to keep opening his mouth as wide as possible before this thing can pop out of him. Very much an alien ripoff with a male dancer instead of an alien.

Raging Sharks

Corpses Are Forever (2003)

Malcolm Grant, a CIA operative, awakens to find he has no memory of his life. But under the influence of a hypnosis serum, Grant flashes back to a world in black and white where he has shorter hair, an Australian accent, fights zombies, has nightmares from a serial killers perspective, and is searching for his kidnapped son.

In the present, Grant is told that zombies walk the earth, and the only hold outs are Alaska and some of the Florida Keys. But oddly enough, the film only has about ten or fifteen zombies in it, and they are easily dispatched when Grant does a slow spinning kick that comes nowhere near them. In fact, he looks more like he's doing ballet rather than any sort of martial art.

The other problem with the zombies walk the earth premise is that in more than one scene, there is the sound of traffic competing with the dialogue. Did the zombies learn to drive or did the filmmakers assume we wouldn't notice? Even worse are scenes where cars are on the road in the background or the scene where Grant is informed the world has been overrun by zombies, but out the window of the office building there is traffic driving by and a person walking along the sidewalk. Eek!

The House on Sorority Row (1982)

Another early 80s slasher film, although this is a decent flick which stands out due to the competent acting and a different take on the standard plot, especially for a sorority movie. Horrid sorority mother, Mrs. Slater, always makes the girls leave the house as soon as school is over. But this year the girls decide to use the house for an end of the year party.

Mrs. Slater blows a gasket when she walks in on the girls getting drunk, and chastizes them. Ringleader Vicki sneaks her boyfriend into the house to put her new waterbed to use. But Mrs. Slater bursts in and slashes the bed with the head of her cane, ruining Vicki's encounter with her boyfriend. Vicki vows revenge, coming up with a plan involving the other girls and a gun. She's going to pretend to shoot Mrs. Slater. Doesn't sound like a good plan to me, but then again I'm not an insane sorority girl.

As expected their prank goes horribly wrong and Vicki accidentally shoots Mrs. Slater who falls back into the scummy green pool that never gets cleaned. Once the girls determine she is dead, they decide to tie her up in sheets, weight down her body, and dump her in the pool. Ah yes, a brilliant plan - no one will ever find her there.

That night, they hold their party as scheduled, and as with any drunken party where a pool is handy, several people end up jumping in. The girls are afraid someone will turn on the pool lights and see the body. But when the lights are turned on, they are shocked to see nothing in the pool. Thus the rash of killings commence.

Is Mrs. Slater still alive? Has she come back from the dead? Or is someone else killing the girls? Worth watching if you're into slasher films, or if you're into the band 4 Out of 5 Doctors, who play at the sorority party. They even have a song called Mr. Cool Shoes. Eeeek!!

The Initiation (1982)

Kelly has nightmares about stabbing her father after walking into her parents bedroom and seeing him in bed with her mother. Immediately after the stabbing, a strange man walks into the room, gets in a fight with her father, and catches on fire. As he thrashes around in flames, she and her parents run from the room. She's had this nightmare since she was nine years old, when she was in a coma for a few months, and has no memory of anything before the coma.

She decides to do a research paper on dreams for her psychology class, and her TA just happens to be a graduate student doing dream research for his masters degree. He talks her into seeing his research space in the basement, and convinces her to let him monitor her dream state. I thought he was going for a graduate degree in psychology, but later he says it is parapsychology, which is not the most scientific type of psych and I'm not sure if I would want to let him near my brain.

Running parallel to this story, Kelly is also pledging a sorority in which the initiation is for her to steal the key to her fathers building, which turns out to be a multi-story mall. Then the four pledges are supposed to steal the security guards uniform. What the pledges don't know is that Meagan, the bitter pledge master, plans to scare the hell out of them.

This leads to much running around the mall at night, with the obligatory testing the stores merchandise scenes. There is confusion, killing, people getting lost, more killing, and an ending that just comes out of nowhere. Did I happen to mention at the beginning seven prisoners escape from a sanitarium and Kelly's parents are concerned? Yes, well you'll forget all about that as the movie goes on since it really isn't revisited again. Then the ending will pull you up by your shoulders and slap you silly, leaving you asking what sort of relevance it has to anything.

And this movie wouldn't be complete without the "Come As Your Favorite Suppressed Desire" costume party at the frat house. One guy shows up dressed as a penis. A giant, head to toe, penis costume with a small cut out for his face. So.... his desire is what? I don't even want to make a guess.

Girls Nite Out (1982)

A very strange slasher film as there is no killing until a good length into the movie, and a complete lack of nudity. The film also has a sountrack that has lots of bubblegum music from the 60s and 70s, which is strange as it takes place in the 80s. On the night of the big football game, celebratory party, and scavenger hunt, the school's mascot is murdered, and his suit stolen. It's a very silly looking bear suit, but the thief takes four knives wrapped together with tape, puts them in the paw of the costume, and uses his deadly bear claws to kill students on campus while they are scavenging for the required items.

Hal Holbrook plays the campus security guard, whose own daughter was killed several years ago. And yes, it was during the schools big scavenger hunt. He even gets a call from someone claiming to have killed the current students as well as his daughter. But the real murderer hung himself in his cell earlier in the week.

The main suspect is Mike Pryor, a big brooding guy with a bad mullet, whose girlfriend is making out with the mascot at the party, even though she arrived with Mike. She's planning on dumping him later that evening, but feigns innocence and even takes a haughty attitude with Mike when he tells her he saw what she was doing.

Another suspect is Maniac, whose girlfriend just dumped him and is dating another guy. He runs into them at the party, and is upset that she won't get back together with him. However due to the strong homosexual overtones between Maniac and his best friend Teddy, I don't think he'll be lonely very long. These guys are overly touchy and get drunk in their bedroom, while bare chested. Maniac is also missing his pants, and Teddy is clinging to him like ugly on ape.

Teddy has a steady girlfriend, but also flirts with the waitress at the campus eatery, and girls at the party. Teddy's not such a great boyfriend since usually being a good boyfriend means you don't try to pick up other girls when you're at a party with your girlfriend. And you definitely don't go into a girl's bathroom while she's taking a bath and hand her a washcloth when she asks for a towel. Teddy is such a tool.

As with many early slasher films, there is a twist ending which you may, or may not, see coming. The killings are tame even by 80s standards, and most of the kids look way too old for college. But on the plus side, one of the guys who worked on the film had the last name of Hellfire, and the waitress in the film has a bicycle horn in her waistband. Honk honk!

Women's Prison Massacre (1983)

Also known as Emanuelle Escapes From Hell and Blade Violent, this badly dubbed Italian movie is the only one I can think of in which one prisoner insults another by calling her a "haughty hottentot." Emmanuelle, an investigative reporter, is framed and sent to prison while following a story on drug smuggling. Poor Emmanuelle. The female prison guards and female warden make her life hell, and so does their flunkie, Albina.....the albino.

Yeah, you heard me, an albino. And what a fine albino she is, due to her puzzling blunt haircut and bright red lipstick. All I could think of during her scenes was that I was watching either a Cloris Leachman character from a Mel Brooks movie, Edgar Winter's sister, or Rutger Hauer in drag.

Soon the prison opens it's doors to four escaped male convicts, lead by Crazy Boy. Before they are even put into a cell, they have over powered the female warden, female guard, and lone male guard, who stupidly gives up his weapon during a stand off. Crazy Boy and pals proceed to use the prison as a playground, while outside there are plans for the police to break into prison, since they are no match for four armed men. Yeah, it's as stupid as it sounds.

The police break in through a window in the hospital ward. Since it has bars, they repeatedly crash against it with their boots, alerting the semi-drugged and injured Albina, who promptly reports the happenings to Crazy Boy. Unfortunately, the police only go with three guys in gask masks, and a video camera operator, who they have not even bothered to equip with a mask. So I guess once they use the gas canisters, the video will quickly jolt to a nice view of the floor.

Slumberparty Massacre (1982)

Chicks. What's up with them? They have all girl slumber parties where they take off their bras and get all naked and stuff. Uh, no they don't. Having been to slumber parties as a teen, there was never a time when anyone got any naked. Nope. Just didn't happen.

And just for the record, if you answer your door and a pizza delivery boy with his eyes gouged out falls into your living room, the proper response is to shove the dead eyeless kid outside and slam the door. It is never proper to drag his corpse inside.

Spellcaster (1988)

Rock TV vj Rex brings a group of contestants to an old Italian castle where they will compete in a treasure hunt to find a million dollar check. Their host, Diablo, never makes it to dinner, but he does have a servant who pases on his regrets and takes care of the guests.

The guests are stereotypes and the killings are pretty tame. Adam Ant plays Diablo, but is rarely in the movie, which is unfortunate since that is why we chose to watch it. Mostly you see long fingernails around a crystal ball, and later on you find out it is Diablo. Also of note is this is a Charles Band film- enough said.

Brainscan (1994)

A babyfaced, lonely rich kid named Mike (Edward Furlong) spends his days playing video games, being president of the schools Horror Club, spying on the girl of his dreams next door, and hanging out with his only friend Kyle. After Kyle sees an ad for a new interactive game called Brainscan, Mike calls the number in the ad and skeptically asks questions about why the game is so great.

Even though he doesn't order it, the first disk arrives in the mail a few days later. Mike plays the game, which is a first person through the eyes of a killer adventure. It is so intense that Mike feels as if he were actually the one who stabbed the victim and removed his foot.

The next day, after raving to Kyle about the game, he finds out that a man in their town was brutally murdered and is missing a foot. As Mike realizes that the murder in the game was real, the Brainscan game vomits up a kind of creepy, kind of retarded looking guy named Trickster. He goads Mike into continuing the game, and each time Mike plays, he gets in deeper and deeper.

This movie wasn't bad, although it was really more of a thriller than a horror movie. The beginning of the movie seemed a bit slow, but the plot and continued harrassment by Trickster, who was really annoying, were effective. Frank Langella was sufficiently cold and business like as the police detective.

The interactive videogame plot has been worked to death, but this one is worth watching.

American Scream (1988)

Completely inexplicable movie with no real plot and scenes that go nowhere and make no sense. It's not funny enough to be a comedy, but not scary enough to be called horror. However it does have one thing going for it - Blackie Dammett as the preacher. He's creepy, he's spooky, plus he's the father of Anthony Keidis.

A family and two of their kid's friends, head off for a winter vacation in a small town. While the parents are treated well and have a great time, the teens are menaced by the townspeople who appear to hate kids. In fact, there are no kids anywhere in town, only adults.

There is also a strange man who drives around with his dead dog, a freaky couple with a baby who -when shown later - might be eating it, a guy in lederhosen who keeps staring at the kid while he's in the restroom at the dance, and a smiling head on a spike. And not one damn minute of it makes any sense at all.

We were confused. We were flummoxed. We were discombobulated. Random, bizaare, incomprehensible. Swine movie.......