Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)

aka Bloodsuckers
In the future, there are space vampires, so there is a need for Vampire Sanitation (V-SAN), who responds to distress calls and kills whatever vampires are running amuck. They have a five man team, which includes good vampire Quintana (who can smell other vampires) and rookie Damien.

There are three types of vampires named Voorhees, Leatherfaces, and Nosferati, plus a new species which turns out to be a little phallic worm that inhabits a host in order to track and feed on humans. The worm is unintentionally hysterical when Quintana interrogates it, and when it's huge mouth let's out a girly scream, you'll die laughing.

It's not a very good movie, but it is fun to watch as there are plenty of ridiculous moments, lots of Alien ripoffs, and bad dialogue.

The Hitcher (2007)

Two college students heading off for the weekend with friends, almost hit a man on a deserted stretch of road in New Mexico.  As it is pouring out, Jim thinks they should give him a ride, but Grace thinks that is a bad idea.  

They meet up with the man at a truck stop down the road and when he asks Jim for a ride into town, Jim feels obliged to help.  Unfortunately Grace's feelings were correct as the man turns out to be a psycho who torments them until they are able to throw him out of the car.

Even though they are unnerved, they end up pulling off the road to sleep and the next day are passed by a family in a station wagon, who are giving the same psycho a ride.  They crash their car trying to warn the family, and stumble upon the poor family later, who have become victims. Driving the family's car to a truck stop to ask for help, they are arrested for the murders. 

The original Hitcher movie scared me, but this one didn't have the same effect.  I didn't feel the tension the first movie had.  Plus the characters did some really stupid things.  If a psycho killer and the police are after you, would you really feel comfortable enough to get naked and take a long shower?  This killing machine keeps showing up everywhere they go, yet they aren't concerned about being naked and vulnerable.

Black Heat (1976)

Anyone who buys this dvd for the cover is going to be sorely disappointed as neither person pictured is in the movie due to this being a 1976 Al Adamson blaxploitation flick.  

It seems to me they should market the cover towards someone who might actually want to see it, rather than those who will be totally alienated once they see what they've purchased.  I wouldn't take a second look at this cover.  The original poster art is much better and let's you know exactly what you're getting.  Personally I hate updated cover art as it is always worse than the original and is completely generic.

Kicks Carter and Tony are after two local bad guys, Guido and Ziggy.  Carter's reporter girlfriend carries around a movie camera which takes up a huge portion of the front seat of her car.  Tony's girlfriend has a gambling problem which gets worse after his death in a car crash engineering by Ziggy.

There is an incredibly bad lounge song called "No More Mail Until Tomorrow", and yes the lyrics are as bad as the title leads you to believe.  

There are also several misspellings in the film, such as the "Neigbor" Hood Pool, or the boxes marked "amuniton".

Not one of the better movies of this type, especially since it is noted in the liner notes that the movie had two different opening reels so that it could play in two types of theaters, either as Girls Hotel (naughty girls getting in trouble), or Black Heat, (action blaxploitation flick).  

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Paleoclimatologist Jack Hall warns the vice president of the coming danger due to global warming and his recent experiences on an ice flow. But does the VP listen to Jack? No, of course not. Granted, Jack said there would be catastrophic destruction within a thousand years, but how was he to know his timing would be off by a thousand years and the global destruction had already started. Um, well, yes, I guess his credibility does come into question, doesn't it.

Jack's son Sam, played by Jake Gyllenhaal - who looks way too old to be in high school - has gone to New York for a scholastic endeavor, which places him in the middle of disaster as New York is about to be hit by a tidal wave, followed by temperatures so cold that gasoline freezes.

When Sam and his friends hole up with other survivors in the NYC Library, Jack tells him to stay inside and he'll come get him. Jack and his two co-workers head off in a pick up truck to rescue Sam, which prompts the question, how are they going to fit everyone in the cab? And more importantly, what kind of crappy rescue is this?

It's an interesting and scary premise, but there are too many questions that arise, such as:

• how was Jack able to sink his ice ax into the glass roof of a building?
• if continuous exposure to the outside air temperature is deadly, then why does Jack think he'll succeed with a pick up truck, snowshoes, and a tent?
• if the storm is covering the northern US and Washington DC has already been written off, then how can Jack make it to Manhattan when he's walking?
• wouldn't wolves go after easier prey, such as the sickly or recently deceased?
  
• why the wolves?  Wasn't the global destruction enough?
• does there always need to be a sassy homeless man in movies that take place in New York?
• why does the statue of Liberty look so small compared to the size of Jack?
• if light showing beneath the door, then shouldn't the cold air have been able to get in and freeze everything in the room, even with a fire going?
• how did Jack get in touch with anyone once he was in Manhattan since the cell phones didn't get any signal and the pay phones were frozen under water?

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

I was disappointed in this film. The trailer was very well done and the description on the dvd went along with the trailer in making it seem like the movie was about the difficulty of high school and the lead character having a girlfriend who he was trying not to eat. Perhaps I am too literal, but that really wasn't what was going on in the movie. Maybe if I'd never seen the trailer I would have been better off.

Nathan wants to date his friend Jessica, but hasn't gotten the nerve to tell her. When she doesn't show up to meet him, he sees her out with the school sleaze and his heart is broken. Unfortunately he doesn't realize she has been trying to find Nathan and only accepted a ride home due to the downpour.

Nathan goes home, seeks solace in alcohol, and places a noose around his neck. In another unfortunate event, his mom chooses to walk through the door to turn down his music and Nathan expires. But not for long as mom has a book on rituals to restore life and Nathan is back on his feet again.... unfortunately the book is missing some pages and Nathan has been resurrected as one of the undead. This is the start of the zombie plague that breaks out in town after Nathan bites the ear off the high school bully at the school dance.

I'm not sure if I should wait a few months and watch it again, or if it's just an average movie. I was expecting something really different after the way the trailer portrayed it. So disappointing, but perhaps if you don't have expectations, it's okay.

Superbad (2007)

During the beginning of the movie, I was wondering why this was supposed to be so funny. I'm not into crude teenage boy humor where they talk about sex and girls in graphic detail that teenage girls would be horrified to be mentioned. However, once the plotline involving the fake id and the party started, the vulgarity was put aside for the most part and I actually thought the movie was funny.

Seth and Evan, best friends forever, are about to graduate from high school and have gotten into different colleges. When Seth's partner doesn't show up for their home economics class, he is paired with Jules, a girl he is interested in, who invites him to a party she is having that night. Seth and Evan haven't been invited to a single party during high school. They're excited to go, especially when Evan finds out Becca, the girl he has a crush on, will be at the party.

When their friend Fogell says he's getting a fake id, Seth tells Jules that he has a fake id. When she asks him to pick up the alcohol for the party, he agrees. The story really gets going once Seth, Evan, and Fogell meet up outside the liquor store. From there it's chaos and the goal of providing alcohol as well as getting to the party are in jeopardy.

If you can get past the crude beginning and overlook the weak ending, it's got some good laughs and is worth seeing.

Burial Ground (1981)

aka Le Notti del Terrore

I decided to watch this film because the vhs cover art is great and it was released on Vestron Video. Little did I know this was the same movie I saw years ago in a local theater that was on it's way out, and was a film that completely creeped me out, not so much due to zombies but rather to the incestuous freaky little boy, Michael.

The movie begins when a professor exploring a crypt awakens the undead, which prompts the ridiculous line "I'm your friend" as the zombies converge upon him. Cut to some upper class couples jaunting off for the weekend at a villa and to meet the professor - yes, the same professor who has just been eaten by zombies. Needless to say their choice of holiday plans goes very badly.

The couples cavort about the estate and then the undead begin to rise. It takes the couples a little while to figure this out as they are too busy making out. When they decide they must get back to the house, one of the girls ends up getting her foot caught in a bear trap. No, I'm not kidding. Even better, once they pry her leg out of the trap, the skin isn't even broken. It's just slightly discolored.

After they free her from the trap, they are able to get inside before the zombies get them. Unfortunately the couple in the basement are not so lucky and the husband is consumed. The mother and freaky little Michael manage to escape and meet up with the others.

The group tries to figure out how to keep the zombies out, but they aren't too bright. At one point, they even postulate that the zombies might not actually be after them, so why not let them into the house.

The film is ridiculous and disturbing. The dubbing is bad, especially when it comes to Michael as he appears to have been dubbed by an adult trying to sound like a child. The actor who plays Michael is obviously not a child, which is possibly because I don't think it would be legal to do what the incestuous plot requires. Yup, he's really creepy.

Days of Darkness (2007)

A meteor that looks like a vertebra hits the earth and people start turning into zombies. A group of survivors hole up in a bunker on top of a hill and try to formulate a plan for survival. One of the woman is a porn star and talks repeatedly about it, which makes you pray the zombies will soon eat her.

While there are zombies outside the compound, what the survivors discover is that the meteor also had some sort of alien life form which incubates in the zombie host. This leads to a really disgusting scene, which I must confess was original. I've never seen an alien sack that made me so squeamish.

The characters are annoying and the explanation as to why this particular group did not turn into zombies is incredibly lame. Also if you're looking for zombie action, there's not much. The carnage that does occur is due to the stupidity of the characters, so you don't feel sorry for them.

Angel of Death (2002)

aka Semana Santa

Mira Sorvino walks around looking sad while trying to solve the murder of twins. Along with her partners, she investigates an attack and slayings by a man in a red pointy hood, who appears to be part of a secret society.

The murders bring her in contact with an old woman who confides the story of her youth, which involves the atrocities of war and trauma. The information she provides about her youth is helpful in the murders the cops are investigating.

I found the film barely interesting enough to keep watching, but not horrible enough to mock.

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Virginia is one of the school's top ten, the popular students. Unfortunately her friends are starting to disappear, which the film reveals is due to murder. Virginia is a little on the nervous side, which turns out to be due to emotional trauma from a car accident when she was younger in which her mother was killed.

As her friends disappear, Virginia starts to have blackouts. She begins dating one of the top ten who is such a total jerk that you wish he would die. The question becomes is Virginia killing her friends or is it someone else that knows them. Glenn Ford has a small role as Virginia's psychiatrist and Melissa Sue Anderson does a nice job as Virginia.

The film has a twist ending and is a good 80s slasher.

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Ariel and Paul are kidnapped by thieves who believe she knows where the statue of Baphomet resides in the evil haunted house her sister was trapped inside years earlier. Inside the house they run into the Professor who has spent years of his life trying to locate the statue. Stupidly enough, they all show up in the evening, the house goes into lock down and they can not escape it's evil clutches.

They split up and search for the statue, causing members of the group to be picked off by the ghosts that inhabit the building, all of whom seem to have been abused by Dr. Vannacutt, played by the always interesting Jeffrey Combs. The group of criminals have no common sense and any intellect or self preservation is put on hold due to the potential riches they will get by finding the statue.

There are some ridiculous Indiana Jones type scenes and you will not believe how stupid some of these characters can be. Hey, I'm in the basement of a haunted house in lockdown, but two naked young women have shown up out of nowhere and want to get make out? No problem there, let's go! Yeah, no synapses firing in that brain.

Dead and Deader (2006)

Anytime the cover to a movie says "Dean Cain" and "best zombie movie so far this year" you've got to make the assumption that either they are lying, or the movie was released on January 2nd.

Lt. Bobby Quinn and his unit are blown up on a mission. Quinn wakes up in the morgue and finds that he is, by all medical analysis, dead and there is a strange little scorpion under his skin. He manages to remove the scorpion before it turns him into a zombie, but the rest of his unit are not so fortunate and run amuck, killing indiscriminately. Quinn is a responsible leader and feels he must make sure his unit is contained before they infect the entire region.

Turns out the scorpions are a government experiment (aren't they always) done by a rogue scientist who has cancer and is trying to develop a way to keep from dying. As usual, top secret experiments go terribly wrong and everyone dies. Booo! Bad movie, bad movie!!

Hood of Horror (2006)

Snoop Dogg is the glue holding this anthology of short stories together by narrating the set up in which all the protagonists learn a lesson, which is of course too late and they all go crashing straight to cartoon hell. The twist endings are easy to figure out and the characters all deserve what they get.

You'll feel like you've been watching it for ten hours by the time the first segment is over. The most interesting and unique part of the whole film is death by beer bottle through the skull. It ends up looking like a bloody party hat sitting on the guy's head. Ick!

Day of the Dead (2008)

A virus accidentally unleashed in a small town in Colorado turns people into zombies while the Army tries to quarantine the area and keep it from spreading. The local hospital is overrun, as are the main roads, and the few survivors try to find a way to safely escape from the hordes of fast running zombies.

While the survivors keep their wits for the most part, there are a few moments designed to add suspense where they do things totally out of character. This may also be the only movie to have a vegetarian zombie in it.

I'm not sure why people remake movies, especially when generally they make a worse version of whatever they are re-making. I suppose this has a bigger budget than the original, but unless you prefer the running zombies, stick to the original 1985 version.

Sunshine (2007)

The Icaris II is Earth's last hope at survival. Their mission is to deliver a nuclear blast to the dying sun, thus saving mankind. Eight years prior, the Icaris I disappeared on the same mission, so the crew is single minded in their intent to complete their task.

As the story plays out, there is suddenly a distress beacon, which turns out to be from the first ship. At this, the crew divides on whether to change course to intercept the ship, or continue towards the sun. While some argue that they should not deviate course as failure means the Earth dies, others state that the other ship will give them two chances to jump start the sun - which makes me question why in the eight years since the previous ship disappeared why they didn't come up with a better plan.

From this point on, the crew is divided and problem after problem confronts them. The slow pacing runs through more than half the movie before a new subplot changes the whole tone of the film, and annoyed me as it seems the obvious solution was overlooked. When all was said and done, I found myself unsure as to what to think of this film.

The Super Inframan (1975)

All I can say is wow! The sets and costumes are amazing, even if the story is only marginal. It's like the Hong Kong version of Sid and Marty Krofft.

The movie is full of odd monsters, a skeleton army wearing motorcycle helmets, an evil demon princess set on conquering the world, and a few kids - who in typical monster movie fashion - know about top secret military experiments.

Princess Dragon Mom starts her destruction in a bid to take over the world, which causes a top scientist to get a volunteer that he can make into Inframan - the only being who can save the earth. There is some very silly dialogue and scenes, but the monsters and scenery are fantastic.

Today You Die (2005)

If there's one thing Steven Seagal movies have a soft spot for, it's the children. He's always bonding with, rescuing, or comforting a child. I guess it just goes to show that even though he kills everyone who gets in his way, he's just a good guy at heart.

As Harlan Banks and his wife drive down the Las Vegas strip to his new job and new life, they drive by the St. Thomas Children's Hospital, which has a "Going Out of Business" sign plastered on it. As they sadly stare, a little pathetic girl bundled up in a wheelchair is pushed down the front walk in slow-motion. Wow, can there be anymore heartfelt than a going out of business sale on sick kids?

Harlan has been hired to drive an armored truck, in what he believes is a legitimate business, but instead turns out to be a heist. Wouldn't it have been better to get someone who was in on the deal? The cops seem to have been tipped off, and Harlan must drive like a madman to elude them. He's got no idea that it was a robbery and he doesn't even know where they are supposed to go.

After being sent to jail, Harlan has lots of time to figure out how to get back at the bastards who set him up. He also befriends the urban gang leader, which seems to be a reoccurring Seagal movie cliche. As with all later Seagal films, he's huge and his hair looks like black straw. Seriously, what is up with the way it sticks straight out in the back? It's very disturbing.

Sasquatch Hunters (2005)

Rangers guide a group of scientists into the woods to search for a gorilla skeleton which they hope will lead to the discovery of a new species. A bone that they found matched a mystery bone from the 1800s, so they rounded up this expedition, even though the lead scientist says perhaps a gorilla escaped from the zoo.... yeah, that sounds plausible.

After being forced to stop for the night, the group finds a bunch of graves, a huge bone matching the one they already have, and the carcass of a bear high in a tree. Yet no one seems alarmed that perhaps whatever killed the bear also dug the graves and probably lives near by.

When a ranger named Spencer disappears, the group starts to get concerned. But not enough to stop them from giving his sister Janet a sleeping pill... in the middle of the woods at night with a potential killer animal on the loose. It's also a mystery as to how Janet got to be a ranger as she is a total wreck and not the sort of person you would want to rely on for anything important like your life.

The lead scientist wants to stick around to gather evidence and report on his find. As it usually is in cases like this, it is a very bad idea. Another bad idea is the CGI sasquatch that looks good in the distance, but is obviously not even with the actors in the shots. There is an amusing moment when the digital camera of one scientist is found with a photo of the sasquatch on it. Yes, that is a lovely "photo" of the CGI bigfoot. She may as well have taken a picture of a Captain Caveman cartoon.

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)

Lisa and Sam are a young couple who buy a fixer upper, ride a motorcycle, and take off their clothes. Everything is great until the end of the opening scene, in which a quick cut to "three years later" reveals that Sam has become paralyzed from a motorcycle accident and is very bitter about life.

Lisa has hired lawyer and friend Steven to sue the company that made the faulty parts for Sam's bike. But Steven wants a relationship with Lisa. After they accidentally release the Djinn, Steven becomes the face that the Djinn wears as he tries to make Lisa love him.

Sam is so bitter at life and mad at Lisa, who has taken care of him for three years, that you just want the Djinn to bludgeon Sam over the head and put him out of his misery. The end of the movie is not an ending at all as Lisa walks out of their house, looks around, and walks off screen. Huh? But what about.... who's going to...I don't... oh nevermind.

Hot Fuzz (2007)

Sgt. Nicholas Angel is the best policeman on the force. In fact he's so good that he makes the rest of the force look bad by comparison, which is why he is transferred to a small town in the middle of nowhere. After irritating the townfolk and local police with his zealous enforcement of the law, Nicholas realizes that the death of two local actors is not what it seems. While the rest of the town is content to write it off as an accident, Nicholas starts an investigation that leads him - as well as his over eager, action movie enthusiast partner Danny - into uncovering some strange goings on in town.

Not a movie I was interested in watching, it ended up surprising me as I really enjoyed it and would even watch it again. It is similar in style and humor to Shaun of the Dead, which isn't surprising since it was written by and starring the same people. It also features a really interesting death that I have never seen in another film.