People Trying Not to Scream

There are an inordinate amount of characters who feel compelled to clamp their hands over their mouths to keep from screaming.  

American Poltergeist: The Curse of Lilith Ratchet

Krampus: the Return

Tooth Fairy 5

Feral

Mega Lightning

Alien Invasion

Bloody Mary Returns

Octagames

Tahoe Joe

Legend of the Lizard Man

The rare double mouth grab from Wood Witch: The Awakening

Don’t Look Away

Killer Body Count

The Jack in the Box Rises

Spookt 

Granny Krampus

Granny Krampus

The rare woman silences a man- from a movie 
whose name I’ve forgotten

Tahoe Joe 2

Final Summer (2003)

After a camper dies, the camp shuts down and the counselors are given the weekend to clean and lock up. The father of the dead child is a groundskeeper at the camp and for years  the counselors have told campfire stories that he killed his family. 

The camp owner says the camp is her father’s legacy and she will not let it be tarnished.  The first summer they lost two campers, and accidents continued the next four seasons.  No one shall ask why people would willingly send their kids there.  She states they all know who was responsible, although they didn’t admit it.  Why won’t you admit it? Why would you let someone kill your campers? Why would you let him continue to work there?  Who are you accusing?  Since the groundskeeper was mentioned, are we to assume it is him?

Not all the counselors are doing their fair share of the clean up, which causes discord among them. When one of them disappears that night, the others start a search. When they see someone with a  skull mask they assume it’s the missing counselor. But then the skull mask kills another counselor and everyone scatters.

While it’s always good to see the summer camp slashers, the characters aren’t very engaging. Final girl Lexi isn’t very likable and always has a scowl on her face.  The backstory of losing her brother doesn’t help and could have been cut out without any difference.

Also if you’ve just gotten out of a pool and are soaking wet, would you be okay picking up a boombox plugged into an extension cord? Am I overthinking the possibility of electrocution? And once it’s thrown into the pool, could someone touch the metal railing used to get out of the pool? Because someone does but it seems like since that’s touching the water and the boombox is in the water, it would cause some damage.

Also did I miss how the kid died?  They were on a hike, turned around and he was face down on the path.  So I’m assuming murder, but who and how?

A portrait of Tom Atkins, but he’s not in the movie

They may want to put a sheet over the dead kid

She always looks irritated

Continuity - his hair is like this 95% of the movie

Then his hair gets longer 

Brew House (2016)

Five college students disappear when they go to an abandoned brew house to film an episode of their web series.  The explorers are: Megan and her boyfriend Brian; Nick who threatens a creepy guy on the way to the building; Skyler who used to be on the show and has a bad feeling about this; and lastly, whiny unlikeable Billy. She’s not very bright, is jealous of Skyler, and wears a brand new outfit to an abandoned building.

In the 60s the building was an artist community where people lived and had studios until there were some unexplained deaths.  As the group explores, they find canvases and paint, a display of old cameras and a photo lab.

When weird things start to happen and one of the group dies, they want to get out. One says the quickest way is to go through the door ahead, but honestly if she’s dead being quick doesn’t matter. The other says they need to go back the same way they came in.

Everyone argues, makes bad decisions and acts like an idiot. A lot of the movie is really dark since they’re mostly in the dark with headlamps.

Ridiculous dialogue

If you’re going to be homeless, why would you be homeless out here?

No one comes here ever. [They ran into someone on the way in.]

People died. We’re going to prison and shit.

Tahoe Joe 2: The Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Conspiracy (2024)

After Dillon and Mike release their footage, people online start doing the Tahoe Joe challenge where they go out into the woods and try to find Tahoe Joe. Three influencers tromp out into the snowy woods wearing high heels, skirts, body suits and fur coats. To make them more annoying, they keep posing for pictures and keep yelling “Joe” over and over. Surprisingly they are attacked.

Dillon gets a message from the lone influencer who made it home. She says it’s all his fault her friend disappeared.  Dillon has some sort of cranial malfunction and agrees since if he didn’t put up the video, none of this would have happened.  So much for personal responsibility.  She insists he help her find her missing friends. 

He and Mike trek back into the woods to do a search and this time they bring guns. Dillon and Mike look too much alike and I got confused as to who was who. When they stumble across a headless body, they are a bit too calm. Also Mike is a tool and wants to steal the money in the dead guy’s wallet since he doesn’t need it anymore.

Soon things go sideways and they’re in a bad situation that can only get worse if Tahoe Joe shows up.

The biggest questions are:

1. If the FBI has been looking for the poacher for twenty years, how have they not found him since he’s in a fairly nice house in the woods?
2. If Tahoe Joe has good enough night vision that he can walk around a kitchen in the dark without  bumping into anything, how can he not see a guy ducking down on the other side of the kitchen?

Ridiculous dialogue

We’re going to be doing our Tahoe Joe trend from social media lately and trying to find Tahoe Joe and see if we can find him.

Okay we just finished taking pictures. We’re going to keep looking for Joe. We haven’t found him yet.

Dillon: Shoot him, Mike, shoot him!

Mike: I can’t. I don’t know what it is.

They certainly are dressed for a hike, what
with their high heels, skirts and pocketbooks

Ashburn Waters (2020)

Binns organizes a camping trip for his friends from high school since they rarely see each other anymore.  Brett isn’t up for it after getting dumped but Binns convinces him it will be great to see the gang. However he neglects to tell Brett that his ex Scout is going and bringing her new boyfriend. Also they’ll all be car pooling.  So we already know Binns is kind of a dick.

When Binns goes in to check on getting a campsite, the manager laughs because it’s a holiday weekend and Binns has no reservation. When the manager says the only place with empty lots at this time of year is Ashburn Waters, the front desk person hushes him.  They don’t mention the reason its not full is due to the murders.

Binns doesn’t pick up on the tone and heads off to Ashburn Waters. When they see a man taking down the camp signs, Binns asks him about camping there. The man turns out to be the owner and angrily tells him to get off his property as the camp is closed. Binns tells the group it’s fine and they drive until they hit a locked gate. Brie has a bad feeling and wants to leave, but the others want to stay so they leave their cars to carry their stuff in.  

While walking, they see a creepy guy glaring at them from the woods.  No one is suitably alarmed at a creepy angry guy at an empty closed campsite. They decide to set up camp away from him, but later he shows up again and warns them to leave.  One of the guys says he can’t tell them to leave since he isn’t the owner. Lack of self preservation confirmed.  Things will not go well for them.

Ridiculous dialogue

Creepy guy: Leave if you know what’s good for you

Someone in the group:  He’s not the owner so he can’t do shit.

You made me cheat.

The Glenarma Tapes (2022)

Film students overhear two of their teachers referring to them as untalented gutter rats, before making plans to meet in the woods that night.  Thinking the teachers are having an affair, the students plan to film them and use it to their advantage.

They take a bus to a town near the woods and ask for directions from a local.  He tells them the legend of Harry Half-a-head, who shot half his head off and then wandered around the forest for a few days. He tells them to be careful since kids who go to the forest swear they see him.  The film students end up stealing his rental bikes because they don’t want to walk.

At the forest, the students wait at the forest for their teachers to arrive and then follow them into the woods. They’re a little too noisy to be following anyone, but I guess it’s not that important since they soon lose them.  They wander around until it’s almost dark. Then Gordy and Clair think it’s time to head back since it’s cold and dark and they’ll never find their teachers in the woods. At this point they realize they’re lost.  As they try to get out they see a light in the woods and hear people. They make another bad decision and decide to investigate. Also holding your phone in the air to get a signal in the dark woods is going to reveal your location. Stop hiding and holding a light.

This takes place in Ireland so the accents are great.

The most unflattering haircut known to man.

Rise of the Black Bat (2012)

District attorney Tony Quinn is blinded by an acid attack. After an  experimental surgery gives him night vision, he becomes the cowled crime fighter the Black Bat.

Soon after Silk Kirby breaks into Quinn’s house to warn him that the man who blinded him is sending someone over to break into his house and kill him.  While Quinn is skeptical that Silk isn’t the assassin, Silk volunteers to be a decoy for the killer. Later once the killer’s plan goes awry, Silk volunteers to be his man Friday. When asked why he’s helping him, he says because Quinn convicted Silk’s brother, which made Silk realize he should stop following in his  footsteps.

Many of the night scenes appear to be lit with either a flashlight or car headlights. Other scenes are available light, such as street lights or lights on buildings.

Some of the music is from another source. I can’t quite think of what it is, but it’s either needle drop music or maybe it’s from iTunes movie.

There is a lot of padding in the production. The first 13 minutes have almost no dialogue other than a voiceover which states who Quinn is.  Later there is a long drawn out bikini contest in a theater. There are four contestants and each of them dance. Yup, you don’t just get the idea of the contest. You have to be bored out of your skull by the contest.  Also one of the contestants looks like she spent a week in a tanning bed or used a bad spray on tan. It’s distracting and not in a good way.

Hilarious dialogue

My name is Kirby. Silk Kirby.

Silk: I heard it through the grapevine someone was going to break into your house tonight.

Quinn: Someone did break into my house tonight.

Silk: Not me [who has just broken into Quinn’s home]

His vision is at less than 10% now and it will be completely gone by the end of the day. There’s nothing that medical science can do for him now.

Snake took my eyes. What good is a man without his eyes? What kind of a district attorney can I be now?

I’m blind. I can’t see.

Tell Oliver Snake that he better keep a night light on because he’s about to be afraid of the dark.

Using a flashlight or the overhead light in the
car to light the scene

Play Dead (2023)

When Chloe’s brother TJ shows up injured and scared, she finds out he was the get away driver in a robbery with her ex Ross, who is now dead.  Chloe is furious but also wants to protect TJ since their parents are dead and they have no other relatives.  

While no one saw his face, TJ is an idiot because he and Ross planned this via text. So the police will be going through Ross’s phone since they know there was a driver waiting outside.

In a plan to get Ross’s phone, Chloe injects herself with propofol, which will make her vital signs so low they’ll think she’s dead. Chloe is a med student and thinks she can pull this off.  I’m questioning if her school is accredited since dangerous drugs should be inventoried.

Surprisingly all goes as planned and she wakes up in the morgue under a sheet. It’s at this point things go off the rails. She’s locked in the cooler, but once she gets out, she finds all the other rooms are locked too. The only person with a key is the coroner, and he turns out to be kind of shady. She’s not as concerned as you’d think seeing as she’s stuck in there with him. Good grief, what a terrible plan.

Monster Grizzly (2023)

After some townsfolk are found dead outside their homes, investigators lean towards an animal on the loose.  Sheriff Tom calls in a bear expert and is surprised when a woman shows up. The surprise ramps up when Deputy Stony walks in and is also thrown by a woman knowing anything about bears, let alone enough to be their specialist. 

Bear expert Giuliana says it’s odd to see a bear out and about at this time of year because it should be hibernating.  The evidence shows it’s larger than your average bear. It takes most of the movie for them to put together fracking may have awoken this giant killing machine. 

This is a low budget movie with many scenes that go nowhere. Take this scene, for example:

Open on Sheriff Tom, Deputy Stony and Bear expert Giuliana sitting in a bar.  Deputy Flower enters.

Flower: Did you get a release on Auntie Winona’s body today? 

Tom: Yeah, they’re going to release the body tomorrow morning.

Flower: Tom….we need to kill this fucking bear.

Tom: Yeah

Bear expert looks awkwardly at her coffe cup

Aaaand scene.

The police station looks like they put a folding table and coffee maker in someone’s den.  The snow is mostly digital so is many storms there is no snow on their hair, hats or clothing.  And if you’re thinking the bear will surely make up for any of that, nope. The bear is only seen once in a brief blurry shot of its face moving past the camera. Mostly it’s people going outside, screaming and cut to someone finding them dead.  

Ridiculous dialogue

Only a white would be out in a blizzard like this

Giuliana: You make me feel safe.

Tom: How so?

Giuliana: You are my apex predator, grrrrr.

The paper sign for the oil company

It was harder than you’d think to find the body

The police station. There’s a couch to the left
of the folding table

Ragdoll (2023)

Chia leaves her husband and buys a house with her new partner Monica.  She’s surprised when her daughter Crystal is angry and says she hates Monica for ruining her life. Chia says this is how things are now.  But she doesn’t want to rush Crystal, so she’ll let her think about it. Thus sets the tone for Chia’s lack of cranial functioning and bad parenting. Maybe the time to think about it would have been before moving in.

When they find a box in the attic with a super creepy, child sized doll, Chia decides to give it to Crystal to cheer her up. Monica complains it smells like mold, but Chia does some repairs, and now it sits in Crystal’s room looking spooky. 

The doll starts causing trouble right away by pushing Monica down the stairs.  Oh so it’s protective of Crystal and striking back for Chia minimizing her feelings? No. It will try to kill anyone it can get its hands on. 

Chia’s reactions are off putting. She dismisses concerns about giving a moldy doll to her daughter. She is unconcerned about what happened to the babysitter, who’s a friend. When Monica ends up at the bottom of the stairs, she thinks Crystal pushed her. When murder victims are found in the house, she calls 911 and says Crystal killed them.  Is there a back story for this kid we don’t know? It’s odd for a parent to jump to the conclusion their child is a murderer without a history of concerning behavior . 

The doll is also confusing.  How far can it walk? It’s outside roaming around. How did it get into the car  without the man noticing the door opening? Can it go through closed doors?  And most importantly, why does it try to kill everyone?

There are so many problems with this movie, but the biggest is the acting.  Crystal speaks in a monotone.  There is no change in inflection or tone.  It’s the same whether she’s telling her mom she’ll be down for dinner, or she’s warning her she’s about to be stabbed.    

Ridiculous dialogue

Stop being so dramatic. That mold smell is just because it’s old. It’s not diseased or anything.

You’re the reason my daddy left. You broke my family.

Just tell me where you are. I’ll come pick up you. [said to the person who was hospitalized]

If you think someone in your house is
trying to kill you, shut the door behind you

Let’s give this moldy attic doll to our child.

What sort of restaurant are they having dinner at?

Chateau (2024)

James, who is female, wants to be an influencer and vlogger, but only gets around forty views on her videos. Her friend Dash says she hasn’t found her voice yet. This is due to James having no original ideas or interests. She’s desperate to get the approval of strangers and makes videos about whatever she thinks might get her views.

After her mom died, James went to Paris and began rooming with Dash. But she doesn’t have enough money to pay the rent this month so she applied for a job to clean an estate. It’s a two hour drive but when she hears it’s called the murder castle and is supposed to be haunted, she thinks a ghost hunt is her ticket to influencer. 

She parks in front of the estate and starts filming, which makes things awkward when the owner comes out to greet her.  James is given instructions on cleaning, warned there is no cell service, and told the owner is going into town and will be back tomorrow.  

The estate is huge but James decides to spend the first night ghost hunting. I have no idea how she’s going to get this place clean, and neither does James. But her only concern is getting footage that can get her followers.

She’s spent a whole day there without doing any cleaning and the owner will be home that night. Is she going to clean? Sort of, but she’s also going to look for a wine cellar and drink some wine while she cleans.  She also takes a pastry, but after touching it and having it next to food she’s eating, she puts it back on the pastry tray. Yuck!

This is another movie where the main character is self absorbed and only cares about being internet famous.  She makes bad decisions and it drives me crazy that there is no way she could clean that house when she’s spent the majority of her time investigating or walking around outside.

Ridiculous dialogue

I want to make content that people like.

Isn’t this editing software so good? It’s so easy to use.

Ouija Experiment (2022)

Five people agree to take part in an experiment that gauges the psychological effects of using an ouija board. What is the hypothesis and criteria for measuring what is happening? We are not informed. Neither are the participants. 

After using the ouija, the individuals go home and film for thirty days. Maybe they’ll have ghostly experiences or a demon will follow them home. What they didn’t expect is everyone having a violent interaction with the spirit world. The people they live with are impacted as well. By the end of the movie, the participants are either missing, deceased or under arrest.

The movie is essentially each person’s self shot footage. Is this a legitimate research experiment or a student gone rogue? There are no controls or variables introduced. They just use a ouija and are on their own.  When the person running the experiment checks in with Sean, he says his girlfriend was bitten and having bad experiences. They tell him it’s only psychological so he should keep going. So I guess that answers the question as to whether it’s using scientific methods or just some random student trying to be edgy. 

Ridiculous dialogue

The ouija board has been evil since 1973.

Goodnight Light (2023)

Twelve year old Emma is put in an asylum after stabbing her mother to death. Nine years later she’s still locked up and won’t talk to the psychiatrist.

Next thing you know it’s present day with a group of college students who go to a cabin for the weekend.  Lexi is so unlikeable you’ll wonder why anyone would want to be friends with her or date her.  She’s condescending, makes fun of her friends, constantly complains, is ungrateful, and super high maintenance.  As a teenager, you can get stuck with crappy friends, but screw that once you’re an adult.

That night around the campfire they play Never Have I Ever around the campfire and someone says murdered someone. When Lexi passes, one of the girls tells her she kind of did. Lexi insists they all did. But the others say it was all on Lexi, who convinced Emma that if she performed a ritual and killed her mother, she’d get her dad back.  Lexi counters Emma was stupid to do it. Later that night they pull out an Ouija board and things take a turn for the worse.

The flashbacks are confusing as it’s not clear which character is which. I thought one girl said something about Carmen, but then later Lexi addressed that girl as Carmen.  They’re a bunch of mean girls who targeted a girl whose dad died.  Then Lexi grew up, changed her ways and become a wonderful person… no, of course not. Lexi learned nothing and is still a piece of crap.

Ridiculously painful dialogue

You’re up, sexy Lexi.

Why don’t you ever call me things like that?

Because nothing good rhymes with Carmen.

What about charmin’ the pants off Carmen?

Embedded (2012)

Cattle are disappearing and the locals think it’s either wolves or grizzlies. Reporter James and cameraman Tom are irritated they were sent to cover the story.  They’re used to covering the war in Iraq, but James made an enemy by sleeping with someone’s wife and has been relegated to less exciting stories.

While they at the press conference, a pick up truck crashes in the street and a hysterical man inside screams, “It has my boy.” A posse is formed and teams of hunters head out to try to track down the beast and rescue the twelve year old boy that’s missing.

Deputy Clyde doesn’t want James or Tom to come on the hunt. He was a Green Beret and they were with his unit in Afghanistan and he has issues with them.  They are not great at blending in. They’re constantly annoying the members of the posse, and butting in or commenting at the wrong times.

It’s hard to believe Tom is a professional cameraman since he can’t focus through branches.  He’s going to miss a lot if he has no idea how to manually focus on his subject.  Also odd is that when someone in the posse disappears in the midst of chaos, no one thinks to look at the footage they’ve shot to figure out what happened and kind of animal it was. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Rescue: Where is everyone? Over.

Sheriff:  They’re dead. Over.

Rescue: Is this a prank? Over.

Continuity - the eyes

Knock Knock 2 (2011)

Jordan and Stef live in Los Angeles but have never done a haunted Hollywood tour.  They decide to make their own list of murder sites to visit and convince their boyfriends Aiden and Beckett to come with them.  

Once it’s dark, they drive around as they read the history of the murders from printouts of webpages. They complain about having difficulty finding the houses as some don’t have numbers. It never occurs to them they are the reason the numbers are gone. No one wants a group college students pulling into their driveways, trying to get through locked gates and attempting to open the doors on their homes. Not to mention they keep giggling loudly about the murders.

At one house, the girls manipulate the guys into coming up on the porch saying once everyone touches the doorknob, they’ll leave.  But the girls push it further when they discover the house is unlocked and walk inside.

When their soft headed boyfriends wander in behind them to make sure they’re okay, the door slams behind them.  It’s funny until they notice there is no doorknob.  More alarming, the windows are boarded up from the inside. The inside? Things will not go well for our young intrepid idiots.

Watch for the scenes where the guys try using brute strength to remove the plywood without removing the 2x4s nailed over them.  They never stood a chance.

The movie has them reading stories of each deaths. Was it so hard to remember the stories? These are deaths of real people and a few have photos from the crime scenes which seem questionable to include.

Ridiculous dialogue from kids who are fine with breaking and entering:

Well the gate’s open so it’s free game.

How do we get in? It’s got cameras.

Pumpkin Man (2023)

Catherine is obsessed with the legend of Pumpkin Man. She tours Sir Henry’s Haunted Trail and discovers some of the props are historical artifacts.   It turns out Pumpkin Man is a demon and you can summon him if you have the spell.

When she sneaks into an area where the tour doesn’t go, she sees a piano. One of the keys is a dead key and when she hits it, a piece of paper falls out. So no one has hit that key since 1790?

In a huge leap in logic, Catherine believes the paper is proof that Pumpkin Man exists. She believes she’s going to get an A in history because of the note. Sigh.

Why does Catherine want to resurrect a demon?  It will not go well for her, her friends or anyone else in town. And why does no one even consider if there is a spell to stop the demon?

This seems to be a movie for teens.  Catherine looks like she’s in junior high, but I guess she looks young for her age since her best friend applied to college.  The night scenes in the woods are often too dark to tell what is going on.

Catherine looks far younger than her boyfriend

The old book hidden for years under only an inch of soil

Knucklebones (2016)

Neesa is about to graduate from high school when her boyfriend dumps her. He says he’s doing her a favor. It’s best for both of them so they don’t miss any opportunity’s when they go to college. He is surprised when instead of being grateful, Neesa attempts to take her own life.

After she recovers, a couple of her friends convince her to go to the old factory with Adam and Travis. Legend says it’s haunted. It closed in the 1970s after people were murdered on the graveyard shift.

Even though it’s been closed almost fifty years, the generator and electricity still works and the factory is clean.  When they hear a noise in the basement that seems to be coming from behind the wall, Adam cuts open the wall and they find a box of Nazi crap hidden within.

The box includes some dice made from knuckle bones. As if that isn’t creepy enough, you can use them to summon a demon.  Three of the five are all in on bringing forth the demon. Neesa is more interested in leaving a message for Ryan telling him she loves him, misses him and it’s not his fault that she tried to die.

Soon there is a Nazi demon skeleton slinging quips around and the kids scatter.  At this point, new characters show up, like the addicts who break in to steal metal, and the crazy guy living in the factory who’s been looking for the Nazi stuff for years.  Hurrah more victims. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Adam: We found the dice in the basement sealed behind the wall.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that. Been coming here for years looking for them. Eventually I just moved on in here.

Neesa: There wasn’t anything about any kind of banishment ritual.

Crazy guy: I was afraid of that too.

The Andy Baker Tape (20210

Jeff is a YouTuber who travels and rates food.  His channel is popular enough that he has a possible deal with the Food Network. He needs to put together a submission with new footage.

After his father died in an accident, Jeff used an ancestry site for a DNA testing. He’d never met his dad’s side of the family and wondered if he had any living relatives.  When he discovers he has a half brother named Andy, he makes plans to visit him while traveling to shoot footage for his submission.

Andy lives alone down a dirt road and is a bit odd. But that could be the discomfort and awkwardness of meeting a brother he didn’t know existed. It could also be that Jeff is a bit of a douche. He’s got that influencer thing going where his camera is always on and it’s all about his footage and other people be damned. So Andy is stuck with Jeff’s onscreen persona rather than Jeff being genuine and trying to get to know him. 

When Jeff incorporates Andy into the filming, things go wrong. Andy is uncomfortable being on camera. He’s either overly quiet or too boisterous.  When Jeff asks him to film, Andy either doesn’t shoot what Jeff wants or isn’t careful with the equipment.  Jeff’s condescending attitude doesn’t help and makes Andy angry.

While Jeff looks forward to continuing on his way, Andy manages to talk him into dropping him off at a job in another town.  Things don’t go as planned and the extra day of travel turns in to multiple days. Jeff seems to forget that just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you know them, which is too bad since Andy is starting to act pretty weird.

After watching so many crappy, low budget, found footage horror movies,  this was decent.