Iced (1988)

A group of friends head to a ski lodge for the weekend. Jeff brags about his skiing prowess to impress Trina. But when he loses a ski race, Trina ends up arm wrestling (yeah you heard me) with winner Cory in his hotel room. Jeff screams at Cory for stealing his girlfriend. But as Trina points out, they didn't come together and they've never dated.  Oh god, Jeff's one of those guys.

In a rage, Jeff heads downstairs to drink and pours his anger out to...someone, or maybe no one as we never see anyone with him. Then he goes night skiing, falls off a boulder, and lands on a small pile of rocks. And when I say rocks, I'm talking about four or five stones that might be used in building a rock wall.  Jeff rolls off the rocks and sighs, leaving the viewer to wonder if he's had the wind knocked out of him or he's dead.

Four years later, the gang is invited to a ski chalet for a sales presentation on the same mountain where Jeff died. Okay, so that establishes he's dead.... or does it?  Because there is a killer after everyone who went to the mountain with Jeff.

Alex, the real estate agent for the chalet, is barely introduced before he's in a hot tub having visions of being naked with a woman.  What's the deal?  Is this a fantasy? Is he remembering something from his past? Is he psychic and seeing something in his future?

An hour into the film, you'll wonder when the killing is going to start  - and then you'll realize there was already one murder. A slow moving snow plow runs over a man who would have survived if he'd only thought to step out of the way. Instead he remains rooted to the road while the plow slowly lumbers up and runs him over.

Be prepared for lots of hanging out at the chalet and conversations where nothing happens. Trina is always exercising. Jeannette is always getting naked and so is Carl. The killers point of view is from inside a broken ski mask which is pretty awesome but it's few and far between.

Prepare yourself for kills that are nonsensical.   Along with the guy who can't move out of the way of the snowplow, we have other confusing options. Such as the guy who's stabbed in the chest, which based on the positioning would mean the killer had walk up in front of him and lean across the kitchen counter to stab him.  And a guy who steps in a bear trap, yet ends up dead his torso covered in blood. How did that happen?  Did he somehow get the trap off his leg, reset it, and fall onto it torso first? What the hell, movie?

The most awkward scene is when Jeannette decides she's going to get all dolled up and put the moves on Alex when he comes to do his sales presentation.  After some pleasantries with the group, Alex and Jeannette get cozy next to the fire for some one on one time.   They drink wine, flirt it up, and make out. This is all fine and dandy until the phone rings.  Cut to the other side of the room where you can everyone is sitting on the couch a foot away from Alex and Jeannette while they make out. Holy crap! Who does that as an adult?

This has one of the most ridiculous reveals regarding the killer and his motivation.  Stop reading now if you don't want to know the unintentionally silly explanation.  The killer blames everyone for Jeff's death. Yet Jeff's accident had nothing to do with them. Jeff was kind of nuts and got angry because he thought he was dating someone that he wasn't actually dating.   It's not the others fault that he skied at night and died.  But the killer was in the bar and Jeff poured his heart out about the betrayal he felt.  So when Jeff didn't come back after heading up the mountain, our killer went looking for him the same night, fell off the same rock and broke his damn leg.  He blames the group not only for causing Jeff's death, but also his accident which resulted in the loss of his leg. This caused him to lose his dream of skiing in the Olympics. You see, our killer has a prosthetic leg, and it does come into play, although laughably.  So it's got that going for it.

Make sure to stick around for the snowman scene at the end.

Lake Alice (2017)

Ryan and Sarah join her parents at their cabin for Christmas.  Sarah is super happy when Ryan proposes, but her father is concerned because they've only been dating for a year and believes Ryan will not be able to support her since he is trying to become a filmmaker.

To make things more awkward, Sarah's ex-boyfriend and his mother stop by with a Christmas gift which turns out to be a framed photo of him  and Sarah with their mothers. Nothing weird about that.

For more than half the movie, nothing much happens. Then late  one night knocking is heard in the middle of the night and the family is attacked when they try to investigate.  This is where the film goes totally sideways.  Characters make the worst decisions they could possibly make.  Ryan insists that they go outside to make a run for it even though the killer is outside. Once outside, they all head in different directions and do not seem to grasp the concept of how to remain hidden or stay quiet.

Need tips to remain safe from killers at night in an isolated home or woods? Don't go outside. Just don't.  Stop shouting angrily because your cell phone doesn't work. Don't use flashlights in the dark because it makes it obvious where you're hiding. Don't talk loudly if you find someone you know.  Don't yell to cars on the road when you're deep in the woods.  If a truck drives into a snow bank, see if you can drive it away from there rather than running away from you only possible means of transport.

It was so frustrating to watch Ryan sneak into the basement whispering Sarah's name when he's shining a flashlight around. If the killer is there, the light is a beacon in the darkness, you idiot.

The twist ending is predictable as well as who is in the mask when Sarah sneaks up on him. It's nothing that hasn't been done before.  It's a small town, there's a big snow storm and there are only so many characters. As people start to die, you'll be able to narrow it down. 

One of the most awkward scenes was watching Sarah's ex play a really crappy gig.  It would be stupid if it weren't exactly like so many bad gigs I've sat through.  It's not a club so there's no stage.  The bar just puts a stool and microphone on the floor as a designated area for the person to play. And the bar patrons politely applaud but mostly ignore him and wait for him to stop.  He was so close to the pool table that if someone was playing pool, they would have hit him in the face when they drew back their cue.

Also don't invite someone to your house multiple times if you don't want them to show up. Sarah's mom invites Carl, the snowplow driver, to the house. While he politely say he doesn't want to intrude, she doubles down and tells him it's no trouble and he should really stop by.  So he does and they ask what he wants and shut the door in his face. Holy crap, that alone made me hate them.

If for some unknown reason you feel obligated to invite him and he turns you down, let it drop. Don't keep asking him to stop by.  That makes you a total asshole. Yeah the guys weird  and you don't want him in your house - which is exactly why you don't invite him in the first place.  So now you've extended an invite and retracted it by shutting the door in his face. Don't humiliate the guy. He would have been fine not going to your stupid house.

It also drove me nuts that Sarah invited her ex to come visit her and her fiancé in California. You don't do that. You don't invite your ex to visit unless your fiancé is okay with that, and you check with him first.

When I got done with the DVD, I noticed there was an option that said Bonus.  I was hoping that the bonus would be that when I clicked that option the DVD would be spit out of the player in a million pieces.  But it was not to be.


"Slow down! I can't run!"  - the worst thing to say when running away from someone trying to kill you.

The Ultimate Weapon (1988)

Hulk Hogan is Cutter, a man for hire who has a bad toupee and a conscience - both of which are a real problem for a mercenary.  He should maybe think about changing his line of work, or only sign up for wholesome family mercenary jobs.

After Cutter and his new partner complete their mission, Cutter gets suspicious that the goons he's delivering weapons to are not part of a U.N. operation like he'd been lead to believe. So he does what any good mercenary would do - he blows up the weapons.  In typical action movie consequences, this causes his family to become targets.

Cutter is quite the family man.  He casually delivers the worst proposal in the world to his girlfriend and hasn't seen his daughter in about 10 years.  If we follow the bad movie making playbook, this is cause and effect which leads to her work at a strip club.  She must not have been doing this for long because the light hasn't gone out of her eyes yet. But it will soon because her dad is watching her dance.

Family drama ensues as Cutter tries to protect his daughter while she bitterly avoids him for not being part of her life.

There a stunt double for Hogan that looks nothing like him, which is really distracting.  The stunt is jumping a fence. Not a chest high fence, but one where you can literally put a  hand on it and jump over.  I'm guessing Hogan is so bulky that his giant frame could not accommodate the slight jumping action.  But it's disconcerting to see someone who is far younger and in far better shape jumping the fence because at first glance, you think "who the hell is that" even though you know it's supposed to be Cutter.

The worst name a villain can give a document that has
secret info for his eyes only? Secret File.

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