Edge of the Axe (1988)

Aka Al Filo del Hacha

Our movie starts off with a murder in a car wash by a man wearing a mask and brandishing an axe.  How did he slip into the car wash? Is this a random victim? If not, surely there must be a more isolated place he can murder her?  We shall never know.

Cut to Gerald who is tagging along with Richard on a job. Richard does pest control and the bar has a terrible stench coming from the basement.  Is it rats? Nope, it turns out to be the missing bar maid who has been stuffed in a trap door.

Richard complains constantly about his wife.  She’s almost twice his age and she treats him like a kid. Then again, he also admits to marrying her for her money and cheats on her with local women his own age. So no sympathy for Richard since he’s kind of a dick and he’s super creepy when he’s hitting on women. Also what did he think was going to happen when he married an older woman for her money?  Did he really think he’d enjoy the marriage?

Gerald meets Lillian at the store her father runs. They bond over their interest in computers and video games. Since Gerald has a new computer, he gives Lillian his old one. This allows them to talk to each other. Based on the time period, it would have been better to talk on the phone since they only type one sentence at a time.

As bodies start to pile up in town, Lillian finds a list of the dead women on Gerald’s computer.  When she asks him why he has their names and where they died, he says he likes to keep lists of things. Lillian is placated and reveals to him that she thinks the killer may be her cousin Charlie.  When he was ten, there was an accident with a swing and no one will tell her what happened to him.  She looked him up on the computer and found he was released from a mental institution two years ago. 

The red herrings pile up in this one.  It’s not a great movie, but it’s interesting enough if you like 80s horror.

A view of the victim while inside the car wash. 

How did this guy get into the car wash with an axe and mask?

Gerald and Richard the most unprofessional
looking pest control worker. 

Nooo, don’t ever walk alone in an abandoned area

Scintillating conversation in the early days of
online communication 

The cool wall in the church

The most minimal news cast ever

Why, keeping lists of local murder victims is a perfectly
ordinary thing to do.

#Alive (2020)

Joon-woo is the only one in his families apartment when a zombie outbreak happens. His mother left some money for him to pick up groceries, but Joon-woo neglected to do so. He is left rationing the little food in the house because news reports aren’t sure how long before people will be rescued.

When the water stops working and food is almost gone, he resorts to sneaking down the hallway and into others apartments to find sustenance.  After not seeing another human in days and losing hope, he is ready to take his own life when a woman in an apartment across the street manages to signal to him.

The two strike up a friendship, and manage to get food across the street via a line, or use a drone to drop off a walkie-talkie.  When a zombie almost makes it into Kims apartment, they start wondering if they should move to a safer place.  

Kim notices the eighth floor seems to be the only one without zombies. They start planning how they can both make it there, but that will involve Kim crossing the street and Joon-woo coming out of his apartment, which has hordes of zombies roaming the halls.

This is a decent zombie flick. The two main characters are likable and there is tension as to whether they will survive, or if the zombies will get into their apartments, or what might be waiting on the eighth floor. Is it really zombie free as they think it is?

Haunted Hospital: Heilstatten (2018)

Two vloggers known as Prankstaz challenge fellow vlogger Bettyful to spend a night in a supposedly haunted sanitarium.  Finn and Charly bring Theo, who leads tours in the hospital and can get them inside, and Emma for technical assistance. Betty follows in her car and reveals she’s prepared surprises for the boys.

While they’re setting up, Marnie shows up because she is worried. She used to date Theo and when he previously brought her there, she had a horrifying experience.  Finn and Charly figure if she’s already had contact with ghosts, she must be a medium and convince her to stay by saying they’ll promote her channel on their vlog.  Theo is not amused.

They break the door down to a building that is not part of the tour. So much for Theo’s instructions to respect the building.  While setting up cameras in the hallways, Charly wipes old paint off the wall and puts it under his nose to do a Hitler imitation. It feels really weird since this is a German film. Also that paint must be lead so Charly has just taken years off his life.

When Betty goes off on her own, she sees a bloody woman in a bathtub and freaks out. She thinks Finn and Charly are pulling pranks already, but they know nothing about it.  As weird things start to happen and it seems there is something evil there, the group decides to leave. But someone in the building has other plans.

Ridiculous dialogue that shows a lack of understanding of the basic concept of claustrophobia:

You’re not fat enough to be claustrophobic.  

They park close to the building but when trying to leave,
they seem to be parked much further away

Prankstaz and Betty

Teenage girls love her

They promise to respect the buildings but kick in the doors

Boom mic alert!

The abandoned location is interesting

The Raking (2017)

Entitled, sarcastic, mean girl Kennedy is having an affair with the college TA Ethan. She’s also rooming with goth girl Jade and surprise, they don’t get along. 

Their class has a group assignment to research an urban legend and they end up in the same group. Since each group needs four people,   Jade invites Noah because he’s smart and she needs someone else who is actually going to work. Kennedy invites Ethan. Wait, can the TA actually be part of a group? 

When Noah says he’s done research to find some topics they could consider for their project, Kennedy makes fun of him.   If anyone should be made fun of it’s Kennedy, who doesn’t understand the assignment, even though it’s literally researching an urban legend. 

They decide to go to Joshua Tree to research the Rake, who supposedly appears on the equinox, and boy howdy, that’s today.  After a warning from a stranger not to camp in the desert, they decide to camp.  But after dark, they find that the Rake is not a legend and Jades little sister  -who Kennedy hid in the back of SUV - gets dragged off into the desert.  The creepy stranger shows up just in the nick of time, and they end up back at his house hoping to survive the night.

There are a number of ridiculous things in this movie.  How did Jade’s sister get dragged out of the car? Did she forget to shut her door? Or did she not notice the creature opened the door? Either one should have been obvious.  Why would Kennedy make out with Ethan up against the rock he just peed on? How did no one notice Kennedy putting Jade’s sister in the back of the SUV? And if a car pulls up 500 feet from a house and there is a monster outside, why would you leave the house to walk that far to the car to see if people need help? They could have driven up to the house so obviously there is something wrong.

Kennedy as a character is awful and Ethan is a tool. At one point Kennedy says, “I’m not really a bitch, you know.” So she has no self awareness because she treats people horribly.  Ethan tells her “you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re kind.”  She has literally not been any of those things. She’s mean, condescending, a bully, and doesn’t grasp the simplest concepts.

Also it’s hilarious that Kennedy picks on Noah. He’s a nerd only in the sense that he is smart and has glasses. He’s the best looking guy in the movie. 

Also is it common for people to have fuse boxes on the outsides of their houses in the desert states?  I’ve never seen one that isn’t in the basement or a closet. Maybe it’s something done in states that don’t get snow?

Dialogue with a huge leap in logic from missing to murdered:

Twenty years ago a few girls on campus went missing.  Alright, but the only thing they knew was the murder weapon was a hatchet but they never caught the guy.

Jade is the opposite of Kennedy

Kennedy making sure Noah knows she thinks he’s an idiot

How did they not notice she got into the trunk

Take off the glasses and he’s no longer a nerd.

Did you just use a real missing person flyer in your movie?

The Orange Man (2015)

When an orange grove owner loses customers, he starts selling  oranges door to door. Unfortunately he seems to be trying to sell to people who already said they don’t want his stinking oranges. At this point, he loses his mind and murders people with his hook. Yes, the orange man is missing a hand that he can replace with a hook.

27 years later, we cut to Gerald whose wife has just let him for a younger man. Since Geralds firm is buying an orange grove for development and he needs to fly down to sign some paperwork, he decides to rent a cabin in the area to vacation with his friends Jimmy, Wilbur and Reggie.  Unfortunately for Gerald, his wife and her new boyfriend are vacationing at the same lake, and the killer orange man is still in the area.

This is a low budge horror comedy. It’s not scary and it’s not funny, but there is something to be said for a movie where a man beats someone to death with a bag of oranges.  At other times, the killer  throws oranges at people in an attempt to murder them. It’s definitely the only movie you’ll see where a toothless man with a hook hand throws oranges at an overweight woman in a bikini who is trying to start a motorboat, but instead is murdered by an orange to the ribs.  I’m not even sure how that killed her. 

While the main characters are middle aged men, the humor seems more on par for teenagers.  There has to be at least fifteen minutes of jokes about pee.  Then there’s super creepy Jimmy who has a mullet, earring, gold chains, thinks he’s a stud, and carries lotion in case he sees any naked chicks. He also has the worst advice ever for dating or picking up women.  Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a guy who is manipulative and lies to them.  If you’re looking for a one night stand, the advice might work. But if you want to date the woman, you’re doomed.

The music seems to be generic needle drop music, like something you’d hear in a Hallmark movie.

Dialogue that makes me wonder if Jimmy has ever seen or eaten ham:

I hear she’s got a nice tushy, all squishy like ham.

I’m fascinated that this man stopped at a diner to order two donuts.

Orange mans list of potential buyers is too small. Also the
oranges are an unappealing color.

Jimmy hoping he’ll get to use his unwrapped condom

The gang - Wilbur, Gerald, Reggie and Jimmy

Get ready for a lot of jokes about pee

Geralds kitchen is really unappealing, not only in design,
but the ceilings are so much higher than the cabinets. 

I love when dummies are thrown off cliffs for death scenes.

Here’s your bag of orange death.

Blind without his glasses? He’s Velma-ing!

A guy in a wheelchair who can’t swim probably
shouldn’t be on a pontoon boat.

The amazing meal Gerald made for his date - chicken and
bread, and he didn’t cook either of them.  

The hat and the pigtails are a no.

Silent Night, Dead Night (2011)

Aka Scrooge in the Hood

Based on the art work, I thought this was a horror movie, Instead it’s an action/comedy re-telling of Scrooge. Well, if Scrooge were a pimp and drug dealer working in Boston, Tiny Tim was an overweight adult who lived at home with his criminal family, and the Jewish Mafia was out to kill Scrooge and take over his business.

The story doesn’t have much to do with Dickens except for the Scrooge penny pincher plot, and the ghosts who want him to mend his ways. As with every other character in this movie, the ghosts are unlikeable clowns.  

The is very low budget and the acting is similar to what you might find in community theater. The jokes are so thin, you’ll find yourself wondering if it’s supposed to be funny.  A lot of the humor would probably appeal to teenage boys, such as you can’t see the ghost but you can see his pee.

In one scene, the sound of water pouring into a cup masquerades as the sound of gasoline being poured around a house.  Or the sound of sirens in an outdoor scene makes you think the police are going to show up. But then you realize it’s literally police cars going by and they just didn’t bother to reshoot or do ADR.

They try to give the feel of a drive in with a trailer at the beginning, an intermission and ads for pizza.  At intermission, there is a long segment from the movie in the trailer, Boston Massacre. There we see Detective Riley flub around, and we wonder why they are showing so much of this in the middle of the movie. I’d guess to pad out the film. The most amusing part is when Riley brushes against a door and they op falls open two inches, showing it’s not actually attached. Seconds later, he throws a man in a fight, who goes crashing through it. 

This is a hard one to get through, especially if you’re expecting a horror movie.

Cringeworthy dialogue:

You should have lent him the two grand and he would have let him live.

“Bitch, I’m the boss around here. I can’t afford it.” 

Finally a place where I can get a spot o’ booze. (Said in a bad British accent)

There’s a ghost pissing on the kitchen floor!

Tiny Tim’s got a bum leg and a bad sense of balance.

I’m not sure if this is a hotel or his bedroom, and
are those two bags of Utz chips on the bed?

Tiny Tim is on the right. His mother is wearing the straw hat.

Is this a third title for the movie?

The palatial Scrooge estate

You know it’s the past when the wigs come out

Scrooge finds his grave based on the cash sign

I thought the guy on the left was a manikin until he blinked.

The head of the Jewish mafia and his cocaine

The coolest guy in the film.  Also it looks like Scrooge is too
big for that casket and the lid isn’t going to fit.

A Christmas Slay (2015)

Three friends rent a home for the weekend in Scotland. Emma is hoping to forget her boyfriend Ryan, who may be cheating on her. The other two girls have secretly invited their boyfriends, even though it’s supposed to be a girls weekend. Also Chloe who was caught sleeping fully clothed with Ryan shows up, hoping she and Emma can patch up their friendship.  

But they picked the wrong time to rent this place since there are escapees from an asylum on the loose and heading their way.  The most dangerous one is the guy dressed as Santa holding an axe. He’s murdered people before, but they put him in a fairly low security asylum so now he’s ready to kill again.

When the girls first get there, Emma is in the basement and the door opens. A man with blackened teeth smiles at her.  Who is he? Is he one of the escaped mental patients?  Emma brushes it off. She doesn’t even consider it odd enough to mention to her friends, even though it’s super creepy. 

That night when they find body parts in the toilet, they never once consider the killer could still be in the house. They also decide the best course of action is to leave the house, and walk out in their underwear. These girls do not have fully functioning brain stems.  At one point, one girl runs up to her boyfriend covered in blood, he never asks if she’s okay.  Also at the end, was the person put in the asylum actually a patient or was the scene badly written? If she’d never been in then asylum, then how could they mistake her for an escapee?

I thought she was Emma’s mother, but she’s a college student

Emma sees nothing wrong with this strange man
opening the door to the basement

The worst outfit to wear when you go outside because you 
fear the sound you heard is a prowler or murderer