The Linda Vista Project (2015)

Aka American Poltergeist 3

The new owners of the abandoned Linda Vista Hospital send Dawson over to take photos of the interior. The only people in the building are Will the caretaker, and a three person paranormal team doing an ongoing investigation.  

Emily is hoping the new owners will let them continue their work. So it’s strange that she and her team are  kind of being dicks to Dawson, even purposely referring to him by the wrong name. It’s odd they don’t realize the best way to continue to have access to the building is to be friendly, rather than antagonistic.

Dawson accompanies them as they check for paranormal activity and the group ends up getting locked in one section of the hospital.  They run into a creature they call a demon, which they determine moves around the hospital through mirrors. So now the question is, can they get out of the hospital without out being dragged off by the demon and did Will think no one would discover the strange contraption he built on the fourth floor since the new owners are going to have access to every floor?

You don’t particularly care for these people. So it’s no big deal if the demon gets them.  Also their initial paranormal investigation is confusing. They are trying to contact a dead child and allow the parents to stay during the investigation. Why are they there? And why are 2 of the 3 investigators asleep?  You had one job.  When the mother gets upset, Emily harshly shushes her.  Being rude to grieving parents who are afraid their child is in pain in the afterlife is not a great way to do business.

This demon portal is going to be a problem

Who lets a small child watch open heart surgery on their sibling?

Great investigation.  Two of our ghost hunters are
asleep. And why are the parents there?  

Boom mic alert

Amityville Theater (2015)

Aka Amityville Playhouse

After her parents die in a fire, Fawn finds she has inherited an old theater she didn’t know her father owned.  It’s been vacant for five years and is in Amityville.  Fawn tells her teacher Mr. Stewart she’s going there for the weekend with her boyfriend Kyle, and friends Indy, Matt and Jevan. Mr. Stewart tells her to be careful and for reasons that are either never explained or I’ve forgotten, he starts doing research on the town.

The kids meet at the theater and start exploring. When someone jokingly says they are Scooby Doo and the gang, two of the group get bent out of shape because they don’t like the fictional characters they’ve been assigned.  At this point, they decide to split up.

As Matt wanders around, he meets Wendy whose personality consists of her leather jacket. She has nowhere to go and refuses to leave.  Fawn isn’t happy to see someone staying in her theater, but she doesn’t have much of a backbone, so she lets Wendy stay. Soon strange things are happening and people are being possessed, but not in an interesting way.

Meanwhile Mr. Stewart does research at the town library, finds a clue, goes to the mayors office, gets conked on the head, and rushes to the theater to warn the kids of their impending doom.  Be prepared to see lots of flashback to five years ago when Mr. Stewart lived in the UK and was heading to America. It has nothing to do with the story and it gives no insight into the character.

These kids aren’t very bright.  Indy is incredulous when she discovers the theater doesn’t have beds.  Then creepy Wendy doesn’t understand the concept of ownership refusing to believe that someone could actually own the theater.  

This is a movie that makes you realize how important it is to have good actors. These kids sound like they are in a high school play.  I’m not surprised that this is their lone credit on IMDB. I feel bad for several of the teens who have bad complexions. Whoever did the lighting and make up highlighted all the acne on their faces.  None of the characters are particularly endearing, but Indy is written as the type of friend you ditch because they freak out or complain about everything. She’s super high maintenance and doesn’t seem to offer anything back.

This movie leaves you with so many questions. How did the teens cook beans for dinner? Where did they get the beans? They didn’t bring them in. Why did Kyle insist someone pushed the planchette on the ouija right after it flew off the board when no one was touching it? Why did they plan on ordering pizza using a menu found in a theater closed over five years ago?  Would anyone deliver pizza to an abandoned building? Why is there so much time spent on Mr. Stewarts backstory when it makes no difference to the story?  What kind of name is Jevan?  How are they so bad at searching rooms that they miss a dead body? Who is the locksmith in this town that one oversized key can fit every door?  Why does Mr. Stewart write in the library book?  And how do people searching a building not realize that if the person you’re searching for is moving, then searching every room does not mean they are not in the building?

Ridiculous dialogue:

Don’t tell me there aren’t any beds.

You can’t come in here without my permission.

I have no place else to go. I didn’t know you owned it or anyone owned it.

A runaway? Imagine seeing that face on a milk carton.  Turn it into cheese.

This is a nightmare! (Said after being stuck inside for five minutes)

Why are we sitting here talking about food? We should be trying to get out.

We have tried, remember?

So we’re just going to stay here for the rest of our lives?

Excuse me, I’m looking for the local history section.

Why do you want to know our local history?

God that man is so uncouth.

That scream.

I’ve never heard anyone scream like that before.

Okay, guy’s let’s calm down for a second. Something must have scared her. She must have run off.

But that scream.

This key to the city holds certain property. You will find it will work in the lock of any door

Based on the wrinkles on the town sign, it appears to be a sticker

This looks more like a lobby than a mayors office

Why is the teacher writing in a library book?

And what sort of book is it? Both pages are tables
with dates in each cell.

The amazing key that opens every door in town

Where does that stairway behind Fawn go?  They never explore it

Why is Kyle wearing a shirt with his own name on it?

Get ready to see Indy’s furrowed brow a lot
since she complains about everything

The generic sign with generic font

Creek (2007)

A bunch of rockabilly nerds heading to a horror convention decide to stop at a creek to pan for gold. When they balk at the price of fifteen dollars a piece, the owner says they can pan for free if they don’t take any of gold they find.  They agree, and he warns them not to get caught up in the greed.  As they walk down to the creek, loser AJ says if they find gold, the owner will never know.

When they try to leave, they discover their car is gone. Oddly enough they don’t question why the establishment is boarded up, has a no trespassing sign, and seems to have been empty for years.  That should be a huge topic of discussion since they were in the building and talking to the owner. How did it get boarded up? Why does it look abandoned when it looked lived in earlier?  What sort of madness is this?

As they split up and wander through the ghost town looking for the owner, people stumble across gold and greed overcomes them.  This results in ghosts coming after them and trying to murder them.  There are also some flashbacks, including one in which a current day stripper is back in the 1880s gold town working as a prostitute.  At first I thought it was some sort of time loop since the kids had seen one of the ghosts from the 1800s, but then I realized the filmmakers just gave up.

There is also the girl who doesn’t understand that ghosts don’t appear on command. It’s not like going to an amusement park where performances are scheduled.  Then there is AJ, who is incredibly unappealing but who multiple women are fighting over. Why?

But the most amazing part of the movie is when one of the group dies, and the others bury him in the ghost town. WHY???  If you didn’t kill him, then don’t hide the body.  Burying him makes you look one hundred percent guilty of murder.

Kids love panning for gold

There’s a figure in the background walking across
the road but it’s never mentioned. 

Learn how to smoke, you maroon.

The worst representation of being hit in the mouth.

The effects team did an nice job on the dead body.

You’re burying him?  You may as well say you murdered him.

Dorky rockabilly AJ thinks he’s cool.

This is supposed to be gold

No one questions why the building they were
in an hour ago is now boarded up.

Ravenstein (2020)

Two teenagers riding their bikes at night decide to stop and explore an abandoned property which has multiple buildings. They wander around looking at things left behind.  After finding an old mattress, they meet a rough but friendly homeless guy who shares his mead with them. He also tells them a story about a gypsy, which I guess is supposed to be scary.  This is the first twenty minutes of the film.

Then we switch to two other characters, who are drunk and walking home from the pub.  One considers stealing the teens bikes, which they just left out in the open.  But his need to pee leads him onto the same abandoned property.  No one shall ask why he walked far enough into the property to get to the first building, as in the dark there were more convenient places to use as a toilet.  

His friend sits down near by and now we’ve got two more idiots hanging out on the abandoned property, where there is a bird monster with huge claws on the loose. At this point, hardly anything had happened and I drifted off into doing other things while the movie continued to run. I’m sure everyone was just fine. After all, how much damage could a man sized mutant raven with two foot claws who lives in an abandoned building do?  He’s probably a great neighbor.  

Plan Z (2016)

Craig is a photographer who travels the world and has a plan for surviving the zombie apocalypse. He tells us he has friends in high places, and that timing and planning for the unexpected are crucial for survival. Unfortunately his planning is fairly basic and could have been thought of in less than an hour.  His idea is get a place to stay, get supplies, and wait it out.  Once it’s safe enough, find a place in the country because the cities will be full of the dead. 

After rescuing his friend Bill from a cafe, they hole up in Craig’s apartment until they run out of food. They are able to get the keys to a neighbors car, and then head towards an island which apparently they can drive to and has a low number of inhabitants. 

When they stop for gas, another car pulls up and a hostile man gets out looking for gas. After some posturing, they soon offer him a ride.  But first he’s going to kill the zombie inside the filling station. His plan is to kill every zombie he sees since they have no idea if, or when, there will be a cure.

Next thing we know, we are catapulted to a different location where Craig is barely keeping the zombies from coming in the door, while a girl sits in the corner being useless. Meanwhile Bill and some others are in the bathroom. Where are they? Who are these other people? How’d they get in this predicament? Was it carelessness or was it the wrong place at the wrong time?  We’ll never know, other than it’s the new guys sister and her friend.

The movie only has a few characters and some occasional zombies. There’s a voiceover with Craig’s thoughts or comments about the past or how things are going.  There are also some weird choices on the characters parts. Craig has a huge wad of keys on his key ring. So every time he goes in and out of the apartment, the mass of jangling keys could attract zombies. How does his plan not include being quiet?  Also once they get to the island, they find a zombie on the property. Yet the next morning, one of the girls wanders out into the yard to gaze stupidly at the sky, without a clue that she needs to be aware of her surroundings. 

Dialogue that is always the preface for someone telling you something really upsetting and trying to avoid the consequences:

Girlfriend - I need to tell you something.

Craig - Okay.

Girlfriend - Promise you won’t get mad.

Craig - Depends on what you tell me.

Girlfriend - Promise.

Craig - No.

The Devil’s Well (2018)

Bryan’s wife Karla has been missing for a year.  Her father and the police think he did something to her, but others hold out hope she’ll be found.  Karla disappeared when she and Bryan went to the Devil’s Well to do some paranormal investigation.

A paranormal team decides to go to the Devil’s Well with Bryan to see if they can find any trace of Karla.  Some of them believe his story while others don’t trust him.  They set up cameras and start their investigation.

The camera man swears he got pushed down and another team member sees someone walk by in the dark. It looks like a guy in a mask and cloak, and while that would be scary, it’s not supernatural. My first thought would be someone is playing tricks on me. And then things go off the rails and we’re left to wonder what the point was of any of this happening.

The first part of the movie is done in a fake documentary style consisting of interviews with Bryan, Karla’s parents, friends, and the police.  They spell out the story of Bryan and Karla meeting, getting married and going on the investigation.  Then once the new team of paranormal investigators come along, it turns into a ghost hunting show.  We watch people walk around and talk about whether or not anything is going on. The ending is the worst part of the movie.

This flyer is supposed to be a year old

Hey it’s Rocky from Mask

A Haunting at Preston Castle (2014)

Legend has it the old reformitory is haunted by the ghost of Bobby, who was murdered. The institution covered it up by saying his death was from tuberculosis. But he was actually killed by the other boys because Bobby had murdered a beloved staff member who was like a mother to everyone.  Now ghost Bobby hangs around and seeks revenge on anyone who goes into the decaying building.  Because ghosts are dicks who punish people who had nothing to do with their demise.

Liz, home from college after a recent break up, goes out to the lake with her friend Ashley. In an attempt to cheer Liz up, Ashley tells Liz’s high school boyfriend Danny to meet them.  The three hang out for a bit before deciding to go to the abandoned reformitory.  

When Danny questions whether it’s a good idea to go in there, Liz puts on the peer pressure. This is the start of Liz’s downhill character arc. For a reason that I missed or is never explained, Danny has a key to the padlock on the gate. They enter the building and wander around before spreading a sleeping bag out on the floor.  

Liz wants privacy with Danny so Ashley wanders off to make a phone call. The phone won’t work, and she gets bored waiting for them to be done doing whatever in the sleeping bag.  As she tries to make her way back to where they are, she gets lost and hears something in the dark.

While Liz was flirty prior to being alone with Danny, she’s turned into a mean girl. She’s cold, irritated, scoffs at him, insults him, and blames him for Ashely’s disappearance. I was as confused as Danny how she could blame him since she was the one who pressured him into going into the building. But Liz says Danny got them into this mess because he had the key. At one point, she even says, “Don’t do this to me.” Oh Liz, poor sweet delusional crappy Liz who always thinks she’s the victim. I think we know the reason her boyfriend left.  Why do movies make their protagonists so unlikeable?  I kept hoping she’ fall through one of the holes in the floor and die.

Things start making even less sense as Liz goes from repeatedly scoffing at Danny because he thinks there is supernatural stuff going on, to being afraid after seeing a video of Ashley crying because she’s lost.  Also Liz insists they need to keep searching because Ashely has to be on this floor somewhere. No, no she doesn’t. If she’s moving, she may have gone to another floor.

Liz also does a weird turn where she’s angry at Ashely for disappearing and wants to leave her behind. Then refuses to leave because Ashely is her best friend.  If your friend disappears in a huge abandoned facility that has holes in the floors, you may want to do a quick search and then get professional help since  she may be injured.

Also annoying Liz is doing a video journal. So you’re stuck looking at her filming everything, even when it’s inappropriate and she should be putting the camera down. At one point she’s walking down a hallway looking into the camera, and again I kept hoping she’d fall through a hole in the floor. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

Liz - Let’s gets out of here.

Danny. What if she comes down and we’re not here?

Liz - She’ll wait.

This is a cool location

Does anyone really tape their boyfriends photo to their dashboard?

Watching yourself in the camera as you walk down the
hallway in an abandoned building just increases
your changes of falling through a hole in the floor

 They arrived in daylight but now it’s night 

Narcissist video diary of a day with the death ghost

She’s Blair Witching it

The Poltergeist of Borley Forest (2013)

Paige is supposed to meet her friend at a party in Borley Forest but when her friend doesn’t show up, she decides to leave.  As she’s wandering around looking for a ride home, she touches a rope in a tree and gets a chill. Aw damn, you’ve touched the ghost rope. Now you’re going to be stalked by a ghost.

Paige’s parents are mad she’s out late and at a party. They also get mad when someone leaves flowers at the door for Paige, or when her friend goes into a catatonic state after spending the night at the house while they’re away.  Then they get mad at Tommy because he didn’t protect Paige, who is absolutely fine.  Basically, they’re always mad.

With no idea why a ghost is stalking her, Paige decides to try to figure out who it is and what it wants.  After some research and a visit to an abandoned house where she finds a dust free diary sitting by itself in a dust free closet, Paige thinks she knows whose spirit is after her and plans to go back to the woods to end this.  Gah! Stupid movie!

Of all the nonsensical things that happen in this movie two stand out. First, Tommy and Cooper are able to retrieve the missing frames from the surveillance footage of the flowers being left on the doorstop.  Everyone is stunned, except the viewer because we never see the footage and are never told what it is.  Second, when Cooper dies, Tommy says the cops will think Paige had something to do with it.  Then we find out Cooper died in a car accident. So how… why… what… good god movie, did you leave out something relevant or have you completely gone off the rails?

Ridiculous dialogue:

Now we’re going to have to come home early and clean up another one of your irresponsible messes.  Why’d I even think you could protect this country if you can’t even protect your sister.

Paige - Leave me alone!

Ghost - No.

Paige - Why? You think I like you?

They’re never going to believe any of this. They’re going to think Paige had something go do with Coopers death. She might get committed. Hell, we all might.

The missing frames in the surveillance video are so surprising
we can’t let the audience in on the horror.

Abandoned houses usually have lone diaries in dust free closets

Why did they sit around in the house reading the diary
if they were just going to take it with them?

No! Don’t put your bed kitty corner! It’s not
aesthetically pleasing and takes up too much space.

The way to Borley Forest is across someone’s field?

Paige sits down to an already half eaten breakfast.

Let’s Scare Julie (2019)

Hey, it’s a bunch of horrible teens who play a horrible prank and things go horribly wrong. What more could you want… except for some likable protagonists. 

Emma’s mother recently died so she’s moved in with her cousin Taylor, a girl who alternates between sensitive and manipulative.  Taylor and her friends sneak into Emma’s room to scare her while she sleeps.  It goes as planned until Emma has an asthma attack and needs her inhaler.  Emma is upset, but Taylor tells her to chill out. 

The other girls are worse than Taylor. Madison is one of those girls you wonder why anyone would put up with her.  She’ll break your boundaries all she wants, but don’t you dare cross hers. She’ll make fun of you and pressure you into doing what she wants, and if you don’t do it, you’re a loser. The best thing you can say about her is she doesn’t play favorites because she’s brutal to everyone. So why does she have any friends?

The girls tell stories about the house across the street where a recluse used to live. She may have been evil and the house may have been haunted. A new family moved in that day and Emma reports she saw a teenager in the driveway with a scarf over her face.  

Taylor and her mean friends decide to sneak into the neighbors house and scare the new girl, Julie.  They get the key to her house, put on masks, and promise Emma they won’t do anything horrible to her.  I don’t know why they have a key to the house, or why they don’t see the issue with essentially breaking into someone’s home.

Although they plan to meet back at Taylors after they scare Julie, only one girl ends up back at the house. When Emma presses her what happened, the girl doesn’t reveal much other than it was awful and only two of them got to Julies room.  Then Emma realizes her little sister is missing and fears she may have gone across the street, following the other girls.   After this everything is chaos, but kind of slow paced chaos.

Questions after watching this film: why would you pull gauze off a strangers face?  If you’re hiding in someone else’s house in the dark, why would you leave the flashlight of your phone on? And how did they not see that, or the light from the screen? Who is Shannon? Is she important to the plot? What did Emma do to her that was so awful? Why was the dick pick Emma got even mentioned?  Why did Madison waive a gun around if it was never going to come into play?  Have they never heard of Chekhov’s gun?  What teenager has their phone set up so that it can ring fourteen times and not go to voicemail? And why was Uncle Vince’s T-shirt covered in blood? It’s never explained.  Also he admitted to previously accidentally killing a kid which explains the alcoholism, but to just blurt that out - why? And where did he go? He just disappeared.

Apparently this movie was filmed in one continuous camera shot, with a few exceptions like a reaction shot. That’s really cool but I feel weird saying I didn’t notice.  

Okay it would be creepy to look up and see people in masks
in your house, but since they’re teenage girls, you might also
try to beat the crap out of them

How do they not miss her hiding in the dark
with her phone lighting up the shower?

Ouija Hosts (2021)

Duncan and Sarah, paranormal investigators and the hosts of Ghost Hosts, are not happy when Jenny is added to the cast. They’re catty behind her back about her qualifications - does she have any? - and the amount of make up she wears. 

The team is investigating the Carothers Estates where there is supposed to be activity. Jenny says she saw something in a hallway, but they brush her off saying it must have been the crew.  This is a weird reaction for a team sent to find ghosts.

The team trots out Dan, who owns ghost hunting equipment and a ouija board. After getting a few reactions on equipment, they decide to go into the lobby and try to contact the spirit.

Here is where things get even slower. First the cast and crew stand around in a circle trying to make contact. Then they pull out the board and crowd around it. It’s like watching someone use a ouija board in real time. 

After fifteen minutes of people sitting around the board, we get fifteen minutes of Dan alone using various equipment to try to get proof there are ghosts in the closet.  Then Jenny disappears and everyone searches for her. You’ve never heard the word Jenny so much in one film, as they shout her name repeatedly.

So between sitting around the ouija, Dan alone in the closet, and shouting Jenny, this is forty minutes of the movie.  Then at the one hour eighteen minute mark, we get a possession. But it’s a calm, seated, and conversational possession. 

This is a movie where nothing really happens. If you’ve seen an episode of any ghost hunting show, you’ve seen this.  You will get sick of the hosts saying, “hashtag ghost hosts.” The best part of the movie is the catty narrator who adds some color to the first third of the movie. 

The most generic of all the title fonts

Our ghost hosts

The equipment shows a figure with knees facing to the right…

…but from their position the chair is facing to the left.

It’s a ghost, I guess.

The real time ouija session

This is the only shot we see of this cool part of the location.