Lethal Ninja (1993)

Microbiologist Dominique is part of a scientific expedition trying to determine why the water has acid in it.  After a ninja attack wipes out the rest of her team,  she is taken to a mansion where the villain Kray demands information.  He’s a villain in the sense that he’s an old rich man who owns a disco, and has a band of ninjas who do his dirty work for him. 

Meanwhile in America, Joe is doing his daily yoga and martial arts instruction in the park when he is informed his wife was kidnapped. Joe is ex-CIA but the government won’t send anyone to rescue her.  Joe is not amused. He calls on his old friend Pete to head overseas with him to rescue his wife.

Once in Africa, they check into a hotel and make plans to meet their contact at the local disco, which is basically a club with a huge stage. A singer in an embarrassing outfit and three out of sync dancers enthrall the crowd. And by enthrall, I mean no one seems to notice they exist. 

Joe and Pete seem to have no trouble tracking down information. Also they aren’t ninja’s but are easily able to train to fight them. There is an amazing scene with rollerskating ninjas who prove to be incredibly inept. They simply circle around Joe until he kills a few and runs away. 

When Joe and Pete are later captured, Kray urges his underlings to, “Take them to the see saw!”, surely the least threatening line ever uttered by a movies villain. There is also a water slide supposed to represent some sort of machinery, and repeated shots of a drawing of Nostradamus, whose prophecy has something to do with this movie but I can’t remember it. In fact, I can’t remember much of this other than the roller skating ninja’s which was the best part.

This movie is ridiculous and worth a watch. The outfits worn by the singer are embarrassing and ugly.  The soundtrack includes the confusingly named song, All the Way (Like a Rock).   

Ridiculous dialogue:

Damn murderer.

So sorry sir. No other good hotel. This is the only good hotel.

Take them to the see saw!

You give her back to me and I’ll stop trying to prove that your men are a bunch of pricks.

I’m ready for his close up Mr. DeMille

That water looks terrible

Get used to see this drawing of Nostradamus

Her outfit is part fourth grade drawing and part Hanukkah 

They need to work on their synchronization

Oh god, who is designing this poor womans clothing

The throwing star equivalent of roller skates

Are ninja’s skating around you really that threatening

Well he’s killed four without a scratch so I guess not

How dare you say our super secret science looks like a water slide