Hell on the Shelf (2021)

A real estate agent is frustrated about one of her properties, the Wingate house.  She says people don't stay in the house for very long and it’s the most haunted house in the area. But then she mentions it was built around 1911 and there have been seven owners.   7 owners over 110 years doesn’t seem like a huge turn over. Maybe the problems just started?

She hires a Max, paranormal investigator, who hires Damon and Lennie to run camera and sound.  He tells them forty five years ago a single mother with mental health and substance abuse issues lived there with two boys.  One of the boys fell down the stairs and broke his neck.  Max believes that is the source of the hauntings and he hopes to help the spirit cross over.

Legend has it the antique elf doll is possessed by the spirit and anyone who touches it will die. The three investigators sure do touch this doll a lot so hopefully the legend isn’t true. The sounds of gigging are heard and the doll sits in a different place than they remember it. Oooo isn’t that scary, kids?

At one point they use a spirit box, the most annoying contraption ever, to try to communicate with the ghost. Overall not much happens and it’s like watching an even tamer ghost hunting show. There’s not much to it and there are no scares. The doll is a fairly friendly looking thing that you might find in department store

This is a Polonia production so it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting. It’s super low budget and shot in the directors home. There’s not much to it.

The possessed elf doll 

They strap a GoPro to the elf and the footage looks like this

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday (2017)

A slow moving story of a family in a bomb shelter who are running low on food.  Dad heads out to see what he can scrounge up. As the days go by and Dad doesn’t return, Mom decides to venture out. Her son is afraid she’ll disappear too, but she promises she’ll be back. We watch her wander around before finding another survivor and screwing them over for their food.

The majority of the movie is the mother and child in a bomb shelter. I didn’t care for the characters and it wasn’t that interesting. The cover is pretty cool though.  

Night of the Missing (2023)

A janitor working overnight in the police station is surprised when a disheveled, crying woman walks into the office asking for the sheriff. It’s not clear why the door to the station is unlocked since the janitor is the only one there.

When the Sheriff finally shows up, the woman doesn’t say anything for awhile. Maybe it’s because she’s in shock or because the Sheriff never turns on the lights and the only illumination is from a desk lamp. Also the Sheriff is pretty damn weird and off putting.

When the woman finally speaks, she talks about the missing posters on the wall behind them. She tells the sheriff stories about what happened to the people on the posters. The sheriff is not amused and neither will you be.  

The best story is about a couple girls who end up as miniatures in a diorama. How did they get that small? We’ll never know. 

Granny Krampus (2024)

Ashley and Lea head to their estranged grandmother’s home. Their mother had a falling out with her years ago so they don’t know here. But Grandma wants Ashley to live with her and go to college there so she’s been discussing it with Lea.  It’s weird that they would discuss where Ashley would live and go to college without involving Ashley in that discussion. 

When they arrive, they find that Grandma’s brother Robert lives there as well. Robert, who seems to have taken a few too many shots to the head, doesn’t speak and stares off into space. Some other relatives around their age show up and blah blah blah oh god there’s a family curse and a Krampus.

The biggest question I have about this movie is who drove on Lea and Ashley’s drive to Gran’s house.  They appear to be riding in the back of the car. I thought it must be a taxi or Gran has a driver.  But the car doesn’t leave after they get out.  So who was driving the car? Or were we not supposed to notice they were in the back seat?

Ridiculous dialogue

Why would Gran have a picture of a strange girl in one of her books?

She appears to be in the backseat

Down the Chimney with a Shotgun (2022)

A mental patient is on the loose and the news warns he’s wearing a Santa hat and orange jumpsuit.  They may have also wanted to mention he’s doing a voice that veers between Beetlejuice, Yosemite Sam and the Macho Man.

The wrap around story about this lunatic holding someone hostage ties in the five stories that make up this anthology.

• Christmas Boogeyman - guy banished by the church dresses as a scarecrow and is later killed after murdering a child and eating him. Now he’s known as the Christmas scarecrow because apparently that’s a thing. He scares naughty kids and adults. 
• Christmas Hell - a guy with a burlap bag over his head seems to be caught in a loop in time
• Santa’s Little Scalper - special dolls are made from the souls of evil elves and given to children whose behavior needs attention.  As if that isn’t nonsense enough, the doll is with an adult.
• Christmas Witch - man rents a room due to a blizzard. The innkeeper has a creepy doll, talks about how everyone has a purpose and won’t shut up about the ingredients in her cookie recipe. Even though things are freaky, he stays the night
• The Butchers List - after he butcher two boys, St. Nick resurrects them and the butcher repents.  After forgiving him, St. Nick takes him on to deal with naughty kids by killing and eating them. So … he continues doing what he did before repenting?

There is some very questionable acting and things that don’t make sense.   If the dolls are made from souls of evil elves and are demonic, how would they help bad children change their ways?  They imply there are multiple elves and dolls, but then tell us one special child will receive the doll. How bad is this child that he’s chosen out of every child in the world? Most importantly, why doesn’t this story have a child in it? The doll is with an adult.

Ridiculous dialogue 

He roamed the country side in his scarecrow disguise.

So every year one special child wil receive the demonic doll hoping the doll will help the child change it’s ways before it’s too late.

The blizzard that causes a man to stop driving and rent a room

The perspective is off as the truck is only slightly taller than the man

Is that supposed to be an old gravestone?

Krampus and the Crazy Cats (2023)

Absolute nonsense and not in a good way. I couldn’t even get through it. Random scenes that go nowhere. Foley doesn’t start until part way through some scenes. The editing isn’t always smooth either.  If someone is walking and the shot cuts from back to front, we should not see them motionless for a second before they start walking again. 

Cursed (2024)

Gordon is backpacking in Romania when he gets a message his mother has died. When he heads toward a town with an airport to fly home, his general douchebaggery and lack of cash results in being kicked out of a taxi and stranded by the side of the road.

With no choice but to walk, he wanders down the snow covered  country roads until he finds a fruit stand in the middle of nowhere.  Seeing no one around, he stuffs his face and fills his backpack with everything he can carry, including the money box.

At dusk, he comes upon a house and knocks on the door. The woman inside lets him in, feeds him and allows him to stay the night.  The woman mentions that her grandmother Olga owns a fruit stand. One time someone stole the money box and the townsfolk beat the crap out of the thief.  

Thus we are on our way into a story which has Gordon doing far worse and getting even more unlikeable.  Our dirtbag protagonist is going to get some terrible and unexpected karma for his actions.  

This movie came up when I did a search for Christmas horror. Based on the cover, you’d think Krampus was going to show up at some point. Each time something messed up happened or people started giving each other the side eye, I’d think, here we go, let loose the Krampus  But instead, it seems the cover was made by someone who apparently didn’t know anything about the movie. There is no Krampus. It’s well done but if you’re expecting what’s on the cover you’re sure to be disappointed.