Child's Play 2 (1990)

Chucky, the doll with the soul of a serial killer residing inside, is back after his burned little carcass is scraped of soot and refurbished in an experiment gone wrong. After killing a few toy company employees, Chucky sets off in search of Andy, the poor kid he tormented in the first movie.

Alex is in foster care living with a rebellious teenage girl and two well meaning adults who aren't the best foster parents you could find. Even though they know Andy had a tragedy involving a doll, they still have one in the house which freaks the poor kid out. The doll provides an easy plot device for Chucky to assume the doll's place and go after Andy.

The doll factory is the cleanest factory you'll ever see. The eye inserting machine broadcasts it's intent even before the careless technician decides the only way to fix it is to lie directly under it. Ouch!

Paranormal Activity (2009)

The trailer for this movie is very effective. With the spooky soundtrack and the footage of something unseen moving the covers, it looked so scary that I did not want to see it. But reviews I've seen are so polarized - it's either unbelievably scary or not scary at all.

What I liked about the film was that they chose to use the viewers own imagination rather than special effects and cgi monsters. More filmmakers could use the lesson that what we don't see is often scarier than what we do see. Also they stuck to the concept that this was home movie footage shot by this couple and did not add spooky music to influence the mood.

Now what I didn't like was that it is exactly like watching a friends home movies. It's boring, pointless and only interesting to the person who shot it. Plus Micah is a dick. He's more interested in documenting what is going on than in making sure his girlfriend is okay. He comes off as insensitive, uncaring, and having no respect for his girlfriend's feelings, especially in regards as to how to deal with the supernatural force that is tormenting her.

I saw this on dvd, not in the theater, and the movie had an alternate ending. Afterwards there was video footage from a theater which showed the theatrical release ending. All I can say is that they were smart not to have the alternate ending. Even though it is almost the same, it is so unbelievably lame. It's a cliche which you can't believe is happening.

To sum up, none of us were scared, but I think if seen in a dark theater it would be creepy. But mostly it's like watching someone's boring home movies where you keep praying for something to happen.

Yeti (2008)

A college football team's plane crashes in the Himalayas where they must struggle to survive the cold, and oh yeah, there's a hungry Yeti on the loose. Could it get any sillier? Well yes it could because the Yeti has floppy over sized rubber hands with three fingers, a rubber mask and silly looking fur.

This movie is so ridiculous that it's really enjoyable. I'm so tired of bad cgi that I was very excited by the guy in the silly Yeti suit. But to make things more interesting, they decided that the Yeti would sometimes be cgi, which made him look even more laughable. And in a twist unknown to Yeti's before, the cgi Yeti can jump so far he you could say he's flying. Oh silly flying Yeti.... there is no explanation for your power and you look ridiculous.

Highlights of the movie were:

1. the desperate search for matches to build a fire while parts of the plane burn around them.
2. the neatest, cleanest corpses from a plane crash ever - no blood, no ripped clothing, no dirt, no discernible trauma of any kind.
3. although never mentioned in the first half of the movie, apparently the plane is on the edge of a cliff which is convenient for the Yeti to push it over.
4. the guy who uses a severed arm as a splint for his broken leg.
5. one of the girls says a monster stole one of the dead bodies but they don't believe her - the dead bodies are their team mates, they should recognize if someone is missing.
6. when the girl says a second body has been stolen, they still can't figure it out.
7. the group reluctantly decides to try cannibalism even though they don't want to eat their friends, but never thinks to look for the body parts that were around the crash site.
8. the hunks of flesh are the color and shape of a piece of peanut butter fudge.
9. the girl who is opposed to cannibalism puts the bodies into the fire so no one can eat them, thus effectively cooking them.
10. this is the same girl who saw the Yeti take the dead bodies, yet never considers that the hungry Yeti now has nothing to eat except the survivors.
11. the Yeti who does a stop, drop, and roll when set on fire.
12. the only two characters whose names I remembered - Coach and Chubs - died in the crash.
13. the girl who kills the rabbit with one shot says it is because she used to throw the javelin -this makes no sense since javelins are thrown for distance, not pinpoint accuracy.
14. Lastly, when you try to emotionally affect your audience by having the group kill one of your own, it can't be a minor character that your audience has forgotten ever existed.

To the Devil... A Daughter (1976)

Catherine is a teenager who has been raised as a nun and wants to do good in the world. Unfortunately, she believes in following the teachings of the man who raised her, Father Michael Rayner, the leader of a Satanic Cult. Catherine's father made deal with the devil and she is to become the devil's bride when she turns eighteen.

Catherine's dad wants out of the deal and entrusts Catherine's safety to John Verney, a famous author who has just written a book about satanism. John isn't a very good caretaker as Catherine tends to wander off while under the spell of Rayner.

There is a weird gooey satan baby that is carried around in an incubator. The film also has the coolest bridge I have ever seen - a roll out bridge, (which I would use constantly if I lived near it), that goes right over the canal and can be retracted if a boat needs to go through.

The Hollow (2004)

Ian Cranston's family recently moved to Sleeph Hollow. His dad is the football coach who hates that Nick wants to fence rather than play football. Ian is picked on by quarterback Brody, a bully who takes special interest in Nick due to Nick's burgeoning relationship with Brody's ex-girlfriend, Karen.

Ian is talked into being a tour guide for the local halloween hayride. But it turns out to be a bad idea since Ian is actually a descendent of Ichabod Crane and he headless horseman wants his head. The crazy old cemetery caretaker is the only one who understands what's going on, but no one believes him.

Nothing special about this one.

Pumpkin Karver (2006)

A prank gone wrong on Halloween results in Johnathan killings his sister's boyfriend, who is wearing an pumpkin mask, with a knife. One year later they're in a new town and trying to start over. Their mother must be the most insensitive woman alive because she's moved the family to Carver, which is known for it's pumpkins.

Johnathan and sister are heading to a Halloween party at a pumpkin farm, ugh........ yes, that ought to go well. On their trip, they run into a creepy farmer with a truck load of pumpkins. Later they run into him again at the farm and he creepily talks to Johnathan about carving pumpkins and people.

Johnathan keeps seeing a pumpkin masked killer stalking around the farm and constantly breaks into tears. His sister sets him up with a friend, whose big dumb jock ex-boyfriend beats up Johnathan. Wooo, great party!

Not a lot of blood or killing, but lots of stupidity. It's never explained why Johnathan could not be left alone on Halloween. He's in high school and seems to be only slightly younger than his sister. But he seemed off even before he killed her boyfriend. At first I thought he was possibly retarded, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've seen this twice. The first time I thought it was so bad it was funny. But watching it again, I can't imagine what I liked about it as it just wasn't very good and I didn't find anything amusing, especially not the lame comic relief characters.

Trick R Treat (2008)

Look at that little guy on the cover. He's sooooo cute! How could you not adore him, even though he might kill you horribly? Even at his scariest, I couldn't help thinking he was cute, which undercuts the scare factor.

This is an anthology, which is usually a bad sign, but they mange to do a pretty good job. All the characters show up in the other segments, so it is all tied together but not in an obnoxious, forced way. It's interesting how it's all woven together.

Some of the stories have obvious endings, but overall it was worth watching. It was well done and while I wouldn't watch it again, my friends liked it so much they might add it to their movie collection.

Terror Firmer (1999)

A killer plagues a low budget movie set while they are trying to film. Lloyd Kaufman plays the blind director in this film that is littered with random ideas and gross gags. It's a Troma film, which means tasteless, corny and set ups that often broadcast the questionable punchlines. There are some funny moments, but mostly it will make you groan due to the lame jokes or juvenile humor. So yeah, it's a typical Troma movie. It is notable for two actors appearing in full frontal nudity. There are also naked women, but that's common in horror movies.

Dracula 2000 (2000)

Van Helsing is a rich old man whose mission in life is to guard the world from Dracula. He stays alive by injecting himself with Dracula's blood and keeping Drac locked up in a coffin in a hidden room in a vault in his mansion.

One of Van Helsing's assistants decides to rob him, breaks into the vault with a gang and finds the secret room. Stupidly deciding that there must be something incredibly valuable in the coffin (in a direct rip off of Dark Shadows), the group steals the coffin and plans how to spend their riches.

Unfortunately the coffin has had blood spilled on it and Dracula emerges from his cocoon with a vengeance and thirst for blood. Van Helsing must get back the coffin and protect his only daughter from Dracula's clutches. Dracula has long dreamy hair, but is really quite vapid.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Wow, what could be better than this? A prehistoric shark and octopus are released from a giant iceberg and get right back into that prehistoric fight to the death they were having when they were frozen. But first they're going to swim around and do some destruction.

The Octopus heads to Tokyo and the Shark heads to San Francisco where it bites into the Golden Gate Bridge - and this having already brought a plane down from the sky!

This movie is as bad as you think it would be and that's why it's so enjoyable. The sets resemble those on tv show from the 1970s and the dialogue is ridiculous. Also it stars Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas, hooray!

Ghost Rider (2007)

Dare devil Johnny Blaze sells his soul to cure his father's cancer, not realizing the devil does not make an honest deal. After his father's death by other methods, Blaze becomes a big star on the dare devil circuit. Years later the devil needs his help in fighting evil minions trying to take his power and Blaze becomes the Ghost Rider, a fire clad skeleton on a flaming bike.

The Ghost Rider fights Blackheart, who reminds me of a vampire from a bad movie. Not because he bites people, but because he's not threatening and he's got a face of pancake white.

The best thing about the movie is the flaming skeleton. Oh and I almost forgot, Sam Elliot is the former ghost rider and Sam is cool even in the worst movies. When Nicolas Cage did Valley Girl and other early movies with weird stories, I thought he was quirky and had his own style. Now that he's doing the same exact thing in big budget movies, I realize he's just not a very good actor.

Tropic Thunder (2008)

In a last attempt to quell trouble on the set and get a realistic reaction out of his actors, a director drops his stars off in the middle of the jungle and immediately dies by stepping on a landmine. The actors think this is just a special effect and decide to continue filming since the director had mentioned cameras being hidden in the trees.

As the group trudges through the jungle, they run into real soldiers and drug lords who kidnap one of the group. Then they decide to pull together for a rescue mission. Robert Downey Jr is really good. I like Jack Black, but his movie roles usually disappoint me and this one did too.

The funniest parts were Ben Stiller wearing the panda head as well as the little kid hanging off his shoulders repeatedly stabbing him.

Prom Night (1980)

When Kim was a child, her sister Robin died in an accident at an abandoned building which was caused by four older children playing a hide and seek. In their version of the game, the person who is it is the killer. When Robin tries to join in, the older kids gang up on her, taunt her with the phrase "the killers are coming" and chase her around in a menacing way until she falls out a window to her death. Instead of getting help, the nastiest girl in the group demands an oath of silence so they don't get in trouble and they leave her there.

While it doesn't sound scary, it reminds me of times when I was a kid where my brother would follow me around at a steady gait like a zombie. At first I would laugh and tell him to knock it off. But after awhile it would scare me, which I know is as ridiculous as it sounds. It's not like he would have hurt me if he'd caught up to me, but there was something about it that would really creep me out.

Fast forward to Robin and her brother Alex looking forward to the high school prom. The four who were involved in her sister's death are her classmates and they are getting phone calls from a menacing stranger. But he's not menacing enough for them to be overly worried, although they might be if they knew he was so organized that he crosses their name off his list once he makes each call. Oooooo, isn't that scary kids?

This is one of Jamie Lee Curtis's run of horror movies in the late 1970s/early 1980s, so it has that going for it. What it has against it is an overly long disco dance prom where we get to see Kim and Nick strut their stuff on the dance floor.

Time Barbarians (1990)

If you've ever wanted to see a movie about sword swinging barbarians who travel through time to a modern day metropolis, then this is the film for you.  American Gladiator Malibu plays Doran, a large barbarian warrior king,  who is married to Lystra. They cavort in the woods until evil villain Mandrak kidnaps Lystra, steals her powerful jewel, and ends her life.  

Mandrak flees through a portal ending up in modern Los Angeles, where Doran follows to exact his revenge.  Doran becomes a media sensation after being filmed beating up gang members who were threatening tv reporter Penny who is a dead ringer for his dead wife.

Mandrak, who has adapted nicely to big city living, sees Doran on tv and vows to get Doran before Doran gets him.  Yup, that just about covers it.  

Well, except that after traveling from ancient times to seedy modern LA Doran shows no surprise or in fact any reaction at all to skyscrapers, alleyways, clothing, cars, tv cameras, or apartments filled with electric appliances.  Actually the only thing that seems to stump Doran is the chainlink fence that he can't figure out how to get around. Bad acting or bad writing.... you decide. 

Camp Fear (1991)

Vincent Van Patten is an archeology professor at what appears to be a community college for women. He takes a few of the girls to the lake to dig for ancient artifacts.  On the way they run into some bikers and a drunk local who is played by Buck Flowers.

After setting up camp, they hear noises and find a Native American in a sweat lodge. In keeping with the theme of archaeology students who will fail their classes, the girls are completely confused about the strange man with the primitive hut and clothing.

The bikers have nothing better to do than to track down the professor and the girls, which leaves them all vulnerable to the giant druid in the woods who needs a sacrifice for his stone table.  Oi!

This movie is ridiculous, but I must admit I have had a soft spot for Vincent Van Patten since he was in Apple's Way in the early 1970s.  

Wicked Lake (2008)

Four women head up to the lake for a vacation and are visited by four creepy guys and some hicks they met at a local gas station.  The women are forced to do humiliating acts with the men until the strike of midnight at which point the tables turn and the men are in fear of their lives.  It was also at this point that we stopped watching because it was terrible.

Deadgirl (2008)

Rickie and JT skip school and head to the abandoned asylum to drink and vandalize.  While running away from a feral dog, they end up finding a naked girl under plastic.  She looks dead, but the plastic is moving as if she's breathing.  Rickie wants to set her free and get the hell out of there, but JT wants to keep her and use her for his own fun.  After they come to blows, Rickie leaves JT on his own with the girl.

The next day JT convinces Rickie to come back because he says he has to show him something or he won't believe it.  JT shoots the girl and then reveals to Rickie that this is third time he's killed her but she doesn't die.  

There is a juxtaposition between extremes with Rickie's character being in love with a popular girl at school and forsaking JT and any interest in sex with the deadgirl.  JT is a complete psychopath who ends up sharing the girl with another friend of theirs and spending all his time in the asylum with the deadgirl.

The movie is disturbing on so many levels, especially the realization that there are males in this world who would do the same thing as JT.   But even though it's sick, it's also fascinating because you want some sort of positive resolution which never comes.  The ending is very unsatisfactory, offers no explanation for the girl or what happened, and leaves bigger questions about why no one would notice a naked deadgirl tearing around the neighborhood.

Sands of Oblivion (2007)

Cecile B. DeMille is shooting a move in the desert and using real cursed antiquities from Egypt for the props in his film. Years later an old man, who was a boy when the movie was filmed, goes back to the desert to find the box he buried at the end of filming.

At the same time there is a group of archaeology students on a dig looking for the rumored set which was left intact and buried by DeMille. Grandpa, played by George Kennedy,and his hunky grandson find his treasure box, but also find an entry to the hidden set where grandpa's arm is ripped off by Anubis.

The curse has been unleashed and the archaeologists and grandson must try to stop the carnage. Some really stupid things happen, but the best part is when Anubis tears through the dig site and one of the students states that she doesn't know what that thing was, but it had a head like a dog. Oh dear sweet useless child, you should not be on this dig and you are definitely going to fail archaeology.

The Intruder (1989)

The night crew at a local grocery store is terrorized by a killer.  All signs point to him being the cashier's boyfriend who has been stalking her and was hanging around outside the store all night.

Everyone just learned that the store is going to be sold and that they will all lose their jobs.  Sam and Ted Raimi are two of the employees, and Bruce Campbell has a bit part as a cop. There is a really nicely done scene with a table saw to the head.

Trespassers (2006)

Five college students head to Mexico to surf and meet up with one's older brother, only to find the beach deserted. After gallivanting around, they find the brother's truck abandoned in a sand dune and become concerned.

The group splits up - always a bad idea - with a couple heading off to town to see if the brother went there for help, and the others looking for the brother's camp site which he said was at a compound near the beach.

In town they are told the legend of a cult that lived in a compound at the beach and how there have been attacks on Anglos in that area. One of the students theorizes this is just local talk to keep outsiders off the local beaches.

The zombies are not typical zombies. In fact, I'm not really sure what sort of zombies they are, but do not expect real zombies.

The movie features one of the smartest moves when a character buries himself in a sand dune so the zombies can not find him. Brilliant! Only his face is sticking out of the slant of the dune and it is night so he's hard to see. However this must have used up all his brain cells because later he makes the dumbest move ever when he lights a fire at night and starts having sex with his girlfriend. Aaarrgghh!!!!!

You know the zombies are looking for you. They've killed your friends, they've tried to kill you, and now that you escaped you're going to make a fire!?! It's inside a ramshackle cabin which means the light can be seen through all the gaps in the door, the windows, and between slats of wood. It may as well be a neon sign announcing their presence.

San Franpsycho (2006)

A move starring Joe Estevez and Todd Bridges?  How could I not watch it?  Well, one reason would be to have your serial killing psycho walk in slow motion for a long, long time to pad the film.  

Joe Estevez is a detective who watches tv and tries to catch a killer.  The killer follows his victim in the train station, on the platform, in the train, gets off at the same stop, walks down the street about fifteen feet behind her, and she doesn't notice until she gets right up to her front door and he pushes his way inside.  Way to go, movie!  You actually pushed us to a point where we couldn't watch you anymore because you were too painful - and look at the crap we've watched!

Surface (2005)

I seem to recall seeing adds for this series when it was on, but it never interested me.  In fact I had no interest in watching it now either, but I ended up watching one episode due to it being about sea monsters.  While everyone in it seemed to do stupid things, it was still enjoyable and I wish I had the time to watch more than one episode.  I want to know what the creature is and if the kid who stole it's egg is going to befriend the hatchling or get killed by it.  I'm hoping for carnage rather than an ET moment, but it's a tv series, so I'm guessing it'll be the cute cuddly scene.

Simon Says (2006)

Crispin Glover and Crispin Glover star as psychotic twins who terrorize five college students on a camping trip.  The group stops by Simon and Stanley's store to get gas and alcohol.  The gas pump out front doesn't work, but inside there are dusty bottles of scotch that the kids snatch up while insulting the brothers.  Oh stupid kids, always insulting local town folks and making yourselves targets for their wrath.  

The group decides to camp on the site of an old homicide - yay that'll be fun!  Shortly afterwards the twins are wandering the forest in their camouflage suits made of grass and twigs, hunting down their prey.

Crispin Glover gets more and more over the top as the film goes on, but still it's Crispin Glover so you won't care.  The rest of the cast is interchangeable.  Features the only scene I can remember of someone bursting through the dead body of a friend, yeech!!!  Also the door is left open for a sequel.

The Woods (2006)

Heather  is sent off to boarding school due to her new found interest in setting things on fire.  The school is out in the middle of the woods and the teachers seems a bit off. Several of them look like men in drag and one even looks like SNL's Church Lady.  It has nothing to do with the story, but it's certainly distracting.

The girls in the school are strange and Heather has conflict with the school bullies when they pick on her new friend.  At night, the other girls fall into a deep sleep, but Heather has disturbing dreams and awakes to see the woods coming into the room to get the girl in the bed by the wall.  In the morning, it looks like the girl is sleeping but when the covers are peeled back, there is only a pile of leaves.

There are stories that many years ago there were girls who were witches at the school who disappeared after being chased through the woods by the rest of students.  Heather discovers that all the girls are given a test when they arrive, certain girls are singled out due to the results of their tests, and Heather is one of those girls.  

Bruce Campbell has a small role as Heather's henpecked father.

Private School (1983)

The story of the girls at Cherryvale Academy and their male counterparts at Freemount Academy and the hijinks that ensue.  Christine and Jim are planning a nice little weekend getaway to lose their virginity.  Meanwhile Bubba is back at the dorms betting his friends that he can get sleazy rich girl Jordan into various states of undress.  But Jordan wants to date Jim and tries to break up the young couple in love before they go on their weekend.

In between, the guys sneak into the girl's school dressed as women, there is a school dance where the guys get wood, Jordan goes topless horseback riding (ouch!), and there are various states of undress and sexual escapdes.

This is a typical 1980s teen sex comedy, which means the jokes aren't funny, but it is enjoyable in an oddly painful, nostalgic sort of way.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

As a child, Jack saw his family killed by monsters.  Now an adult, Jack is plagued by an anger problem and a girlfriend who treats him poorly.  He's a plumber, but spends his nights taking classes with his girlfriend.  

Robert Englund is the professor who asks Jack to help with a plumbing problem at his house.  This leads to an accident in which the professor finds a large box containing a black heart which was buried due to the curse on it.  The heart enters the professor and turns him into a monster.  When he starts killing the night school students, Jack decides to fight back and face his childhood monster fears.

Robert Englund does a good job and Trevor Matthews is likable as Jack.  The movie is fun and does an okay job of mixing comedy and horror.

Tamara (2005)

Another movie about a high school prank going terribly wrong resulting in an accidental death and revenge.  Tamara is a mousy high school student with a crush on her teacher.  She also has a book of witchcraft in her house with which she tries to cast a love spell.  After she is accidentally killed during a horrible prank, she is buried in the woods.  What the kids don't know is that she has the page with the spell in her shirt and blood has been spilled which puts the magic spell to work.

When Tamara shows up the next day at school, she has transformed into the hot chick that every guy wants.   Immediately she targets the kids who buried her.  She immediately targets the kids who buried her and leave them afraid of who will be next.

The most ridiculous part of this is that the prank was taped so it is obvious the death was an accident.  The other stupid thing is they don't even call an ambulance for her.  They just bury her so that their future careers and college scholarships are not messed up.  Also the ending is unsatisfying and leaves the door open for a sequel.

Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter (1970)

Kazuma wanders into town to look for his long lost sister.  He befriends a female gang who decide to help him on his quest.  The Eagles, the male gang they hang out with, are very angry about Kazuma taking attention away from them and set out to make his life miserable.  The Eagles are also on a quest to rid the town of halfbreeds and teach the girls a lesson for helping Kazuma.

Sometimes the movie reminds me of The Girl in the Gold Boots.  It's got gangs, music, fashionable clothing, and a traveler who falls for a girl that someone else considers their woman.

The Capture of Bigfoot (1979)

Michelle convinced me to watch this movie again.  Damn you, Michelle!!  Oh Sweet Capture of Bigfoot, I saw you in April 2008 and here you are again darkening my tv screen.  The only new thing I can think to add is that there is a very funny scene with a flying dummy.

The Cruise (1998)

Timothy "Speed" Levitch is an eccentric tour bus guide in New York City.  He's the type of guy you'd probably shrink away from while you were trying to figure out how crazy he was, but gradually forget this judgement due to the plethora of odd information and anecdotes that he possesses.  In fact, he's the best type of tour guide - one who's really interested in what he's talking about and provides off beat information.

Sometimes I felt envious of how he's chosen to live life, and at other times I felt sorry for him.  He's an interesting person and the only time the film becomes a bit uncomfortable is near the end when he starts ranting about people he used to know.  Definitely worth seeing.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

This is the meanest camp ever.  The kids are mean, the counselors are mean, and the first scene in the dining hall will have you thinking this is a camp for children with behavioral issues.  But nope, it's just a bunch of jerky kids acting like jerks.

Alan, who is the target of disdain from everyone in camp except for one kind counselor, would be a sympathetic character if not for the fact that he is also mean to other kids.  There isn't one likable character in the entire movie.  There also isn't any character development. People just yell, humiliate each other, and act like jerks.  Oh wait, I didn't hate the kind hearted counselor, but she only showed up to spirit Alan away from his tormentors.

Also the first glimpse of the town sheriff prompts the question, why is the sheriff wearing a fake nose and have a non-masculine physique?  

Some of the actors from the original film appear, including Angela, Ricky, and counselor Ronnie.

Walking Tall: Lone Justice (2007)

In a movie that has nothing to do with Buford Pusser, small town former sheriff Nick moves to the big city to live with his DEA girlfriend and her young daughter.  When all the witnesses who are in protective custody are killed, the DEA agents who will testify are put in a safe house, which turns out not to be so safe when all but one of them are gunned down.

Nick hides out in the country town where he used to be the law and does his Hercules stuff while protecting his woman, her child, and his friends.  Sorbo is an okay action hero, but anyone looking for the real Walking Tall characters should rent the original.

Blood Song (1982)

Frankie Avalon is a psychotic killer who plays a wooden flute and escapes from a sanitarium.  Frankie was only a child when he saw his father kill his mother and then commit suicide.  The worst part is his father only taught him one song before he died, so Frankie plays the same thing over and over.  But good god, don't say anything about it unless you want to end up dead.

Crippled high school student Marion is having dreams in which she sees Frankie killing people.  After she runs across him in the woods burying a body, Frankie starts chasing her, but no one believes what she says due to her crazy dreams and the lack of a body.

Frankie's hair is always prefect and he looks the same as when he was in the beach movies twenty years earlier.

Mausoleum (1983)

12 year old Susan enters the family mausoleum after her mother's death and is possessed by a green eyed demon.  Twenty years later, married Susan starts killing people by doing bad things with her demon eyes.  And when she shows up naked, her little bitey demon boobs could gnaw a hole right through a man.

Susan offs her handyman, her maid, and another family member before her husband figures out there is something wrong with her.  

Susan's psychiatrist gets the award for the calmest man every.  When Susan changes into the demon during one of her sessions, he has no reaction.  When he finds Susan's husband with his rib cages ripped open, he has no reaction.  Strangely enough, a cat scare does make him jump.

Tiki (2006)

Amy, a shy and super dorky college student, is mercilessly tormented by a group of girls who used to be popular in high school.  After she wins the lead in their theater class production, they decide to send her a love note from the professor she has a crush on.  

After their trick humiliates Amy and they cruelly laugh in her face, Amy suffers a series of seizures and falls into a coma.  Amy's voodoo practicing Aunt comes to town with her Tiki doll and vows revenge on those who have done her wrong.  That's when the killing begins.

The Tiki appears to be handheld and wiggled in front of the camera while the sound of tiny feet is heard.  It's ridiculous, but it also makes the Tiki kind of cute which is probably not the best effect for a tiny killing machine.

Cryptz (2002)

The comedy falls flat in this story of buddies Tymez Skwair, Likrish, and Fuzzy Down, who end up in a vampire strip club and have to be rescued by their martial artist mentor Truck.  How many more movies are there going to be about vampire strip clubs?  The first time I heard that concept it was interesting, but it seems to be on it's way to becoming a cliche.  Perhaps it's time for strip clubs full of werewolves.

Raiders of the Damned (2005)

In the future, humans live underground due to a government virus which has turned people into zombies.  The zombies are contained behind a massive wall, which would seem to mount an argument that as long as they didn't venture beyond the wall everything would be fine.  But that would be too easy.

After a scientist and his assistant are kidnapped by zombies, crazy, sickly looking scientist Richard Grieco organizes a rescue mission for them, and then promptly disappears from the film.

The zombies are military men who can speak and think rationally.  Unfortunately their makeup is completely horrible, with lines where the latex appliances attach to their faces.  It is completely obvious that something is stuck on their faces and around their mouths it will remind you of a ventriloquist dummy.  

Low budget movies don't have to be this bad.

Cold Prey (2006)

A Norwegian film about a group of college students who head off into the mountains for a day of snowboarding.  When one of the guys breaks his leg, they look for the closest shelter and end up at a deserted ski lodge.  

They make a fire, get some food, and find newspaper clippings about a young boy who disappeared at the lodge years ago.  Soon after they discover a room in the basement with clippings of other  disappearances and current styles of clothing which shows the place is not as deserted as they thought.

The film does a good job of building the tension, although the ending is not as big a surprise as it is supposed to be.  A decent film which I have heard has a sequel which is not as good.

Cliffhanger (1993)

Sylvester Stallone is Gabe Walker, part of a rescue team who saves people who get stuck on mountains.  When fellow rescuer Hal and Hal's girlfriend get stuck, Gabe is one of the team that rescues them.  

When Hal's girlfriends safety belt slips, she is left hanging on for her life while repeatedly screaming, "I can't hold on. Don't let me die!"  Due to Hal's injury, Gabe must be the one to save her.  But she's dead weight, will do nothing to save herself, and slips out of Gabe's grip. Gave quits the team and Hal blames Gabe for his girlfriend's death.

A year or two later, Gabe is back in town when a call for help is received from high on the mountain.  Hal and Gave grudgingly team up and end up being held captive by a gang who has stolen money from the treasury and needs their help locating where it fell from their airplane.  Typical Stallone movie written by Stallone himself.

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

In the future, Tokyo has a wave of killings committed by Engineers, crazy killers who have a key shaped evil gene in their body.  If you chop an appendage off an Engineer, the appendage will regenerate as a weapon.  The only way to kill these monsters is to remove the key shaped evil from their body.

The police force has been privatized and they run strange commercials on tv, alongside other bizarre commercials for things like cutely designed cutting knifes for school girls.

The film is fairly gory and has some good effects, but the weird, freaky stuff that happens is all sort of random and overall you'll be wondering what is going on most of the time.

Piranha (1995)

Roger Corman's remake of 1978's Piranha doesn't change much from the original.  A search for missing teens leads to a pool in an old government research facility.  When the pool is drained, the experimental killing machines known as Piranhas are unleashed into the river and make their way down stream where a new resort is opening up.  Warnings to close the beaches are unheeded and the piranha feast on the flesh of those in the water.  

I'd watch the original rather than this one, unless you want to see Punky Brewster get mangled by Piranha.

Crowley (2008)

Stuttering professor Oliver Haddo gets into a virtual reality scuba suit and ends up being possessed by the spirit of Aleister Crowley, who proceeds to cause havoc and spew bodily fluids around campus.  He wishes to permanently take residence in the professor and starts black magic rituals.

The movie is confusing as the virtual reality idea is never fleshed out.  I'm not sure what the point of the experiment was or why it started with a virtual receptionist in an office.

Simon Callow does an excellent job as Haddo/Crowley.  The film was co-written by Bruce Dickinson, of Iron Maiden fame.

Vampires (2004)

aka Out For Blood

Kevin Dillon is a detective who is assigned the task of looking for a missing woman who was last seen at a dance club.  Not only does he find her the first night, but she invites him back to a private party.

The party turns out to be a blood sucking vampire party.  Dillon is bitten and becomes the stupidest soon-to-be vampire of them all, putting tin foil over his car windows to keep out the sun while reading vampire books written by his ex-wife.  The police won't believe his story and no one seems concerned about the gaping wound in his neck.

The head vampire looks like the drawing on the dvd cover and all the other vampires have that stupid sunken eyed, huge cheekboned faces that are so popular now.

American Ninja (1985)

Private Joe Armstrong is a hard working loner, and the military doesn't like that.  His own platoon hates him because he tried to protect the general's daughter from a ninja attack and members of the platoon were killed.  They tell Joe he should have just let the ninjas steal the government property and next time he should just let the ninjas do what they want. 

When popular Corporal Curtis Jackson challenges Joe to a fight and is roundly beaten, Joe earns Jackson's respect and friendship.  When they discover the ninjas have an inside man, they team up to save the general's daughter and put the ninjas out of business.

Michael Dudikoff is pretty wooden, but this is still one of the better 1980s ninja releases.  I remember seeing this in the theater when it was released and it's still an enjoyable movie, although don't expect anything great from it.

Mother's Day (1980)

I love late 1970s/ early 1980s horror movies, and was excited about this.  But I guess I should have looked at the description since I do not like movies that revolve around victimizing women and sexual assault.

Three women who went to college together go on a yearly outing to camp in the woods and are kidnapped by two backwoods brothers with a twisted, domineering mother. 

After being assaulted, one of the woman dies and the other two decide to take revenge for their friend.

The whole movie just makes you feel icky and I didn't enjoy it.  The only thing I did like was the scene of a pseudo Bigfoot vaulting out of the bushes, which came out of nowhere and was amusing though it was supposed to be scary.

Organizm (2008)

aka Living Hell

The only movie I've ever seen with CGI vomit, Organizm was better than I expected. Then again, I watched The Wind right before this and anything would seem good after that fiasco.  

Frank heads to a military facility that is scheduled for demolition as he needs to warn them about the danger that lies within.  When he was a child, his mother carved the address of an underground storage unit into his hands and told him he was responsible for making sure what was inside was never unleashed.  Unfortunately in her haste to make him remember, good old mom never mentioned anything about how the friggin' hell to stop this thing if it was released.  

After Frank crashes the dismantling of the secret government facility, he tells them the exact location of the thing and that it must not be disturbed.  The military immediately gets out their hazmat suits and unleashes the very thing Frank told them to contain.  This causes Frank to get into a snit where he essentially says, "I told you the exact location of the secret project.  You weren't supposed to open it but you did. Now leave me alone."  Great job, Frank, great job.

But Frank's a lucky guy. His mother may not have given him any clue as to how to stop this thing, but he just happens to talk to the one guy in town who used to work at the base and was sworn to secrecy by the government when the thing was locked in the vault.  Yippee!

The one question I need answered is how much blood does Frank have, because he lost a ton of it but still managed to live and not have a peaked complexion.

The Wind (2001)

The Wind is not a good name for a horror film.  Then again, it's not a very good movie.  Claire tells three of her male friends that she's been hanging out with their friend Bob for a few months, he thought they were dating, and after she told him they weren't, he sent her a weird card.  Oddly enough, the group gets incensed, waits for Bob in the woods, and kills him.

The only explanation we ever get for this ridiculous decision is a description on the dvd about the wind bringing murderous rage to a group of college kids.   The movie begins with stock footage and a boring narrative, but the film itself does nothing to portray the wind having any affect on these kids.  It isn't even windy in the movie.  If you don't read the box, you'll just think these kids are a bunch of stupid assholes....actually you'll think that anyway.

Martial Outlaw (1993)

Kevin and Jack are brothers, but they don't get along.  Kevin works for the DEA, is reliable, well liked, and a straight arrow. Jeff is a cop who is crooked, hits his wife, and resents that he has to take care of their father.

When the two end up working on the same case, they clash (surprise) and Jeff uses his position to tip off the mafia while demanding a big pay out for the information.

An okay action flick in the typical vein of all other American martial arts movies in the 1990s.

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

After 40 years in space, Bruce Campbell and his crew come back to Earth to find a Planet of the Apes situation with alien insects ruling the planet.  The aliens have come here to harvest wood and humans are slave labor in olde tyme saw mills.  

The film is ripe with exceptionally bad wigs and is so tedious that I would have ripped it out of the dvd player if Bruce Campbell hadn't been in it.  Sure, there are a few funny parts, Campbell emits his regular guy sort of charm, and the site of an alien biting off someone's head is pretty neat.  But it's a hard film to watch and when  you're done, you'll wish you'd spent the time doing something else.

All Soul's Day:Dia de los Muertos (2005)

In the 1950's Jeffrey Combs and his family stay at a hotel in a small Mexican town and the daughter is killed by the dead. What happened to the rest of the family?  No idea.

Back in  the present, a couple traveling in Mexico has an accident in a small town when they hit a funeral procession and a living mutilated woman spills out of the coffin.  The strange sheriff takes charge of the woman, and since their car won't start, they decide to stay at the hotel.  Everyone in town is creepy and it just happens to be All Souls Day, when the dead come back to life.

After the accident and maimed woman, you'd expect them to be upset, but shortly afterwards they seem to have even forgotten why they are there.  While they wait for their friends to come down to pick them up, they get drunk and naked.

The dead have been coming back to town on All Soul's Day for a century due to a terrible secret from the town's past.  The four friends must try to survive, even though there must be a sacrifice that night.  The ending is so stupid you won't believe you sat through the movie just to get this resolution.