Lost Things (2003)

Four teenagers head off to the beach for a weekend of camping, surfing, and partying. Shortly after setting up camp in an isolated area, the group runs into a creepy menacing guy who wants to know why they are there and tells them they should leave because people died here. Good enough for me, but not for this group who decides to stay. Seriously, if I'm in the middle of nowhere and a creepy guy indirectly threatens me with death, I'm gone.

Members of the group disappear, a search ensues without luck, then they reappear and don't know why everyone is upset. They will stare at the ocean from afar and not answer their friends. Weird things are afoot, but the undercurrent of what is going on is apparent fairly early on in the movie. Even after figuring it out, it's still weird and unsettling. Also the two boys looked a lot a like which got a bit confusing sometimes.

Wild Country (2005)

A church youth group goes on a camping trip, finds a baby and is chased by werewolves. The group is dropped off on the Moors at night by their sleazy youth priest who hands them a map with instructions on where to meet in the morning. The group camps next to an old castle, where Kelly thinks she hears a baby crying. Exploration leads to the discovery of a baby amidst the body parts of other travelers. So Kelly absconds with the baby.

Shortly afterwards werewolves start chasing the kids and they can't figure out why - how about that little baby you just picked up?

The film was made in Scotland and the accents take a little bit getting used to before you can understand everything they're saying. The werewolves look like big puppety things worn by people, which I applaud as I much prefer this over bad cgi. But it's a dangerous thing to do when your werewolf is going out in the daytime... which they usually don't do.

Knock Knock (2007)

A group of high school football players and their cheerleader girlfriends find themselves being killed by someone who knocks on their doors before dispatching them. Well, at least the first kill is like that. Most of the killings are done without any door knocking involved. Also is it just me or do people keep answering the door when there is a knock and no one is there? I might do it twice but then I'm done and am not going to open my door again. So I guess that would keep me from getting killed.

The high school students look way too old to be in high school. One of the girls grandfather is an ex-detective that teams up with a young female detective to solve the crimes. There is a subplot about him trying to get to know his granddaughter and her snubbing him until she needs his help to avoid being a victim of the killer.

There is a flashback which explains the reason for the killing which is another ridiculous bully scene with an unfunny prank going horribly wrong.

The Legend of Bloody Mary (2008)

Ryan is having nightmares about his sister who disappeared years ago after playing the Bloody Mary game. He enlists the help of a priest, who is also an archaeologist currently working on a Puritan dig site, to try to figure out what is going on. There are flashbacks to Ryan's childhood as well as flashbacks to the 1700s when Mary Worth, of Bloody Mary fame, was murdered by Puritans for being pregnant out of wedlock, possibly with Satan's child.

The game consists of writing your own name or friends names on a mirror and then chanting "I believe in Mary Worth." After numerous chants, Bloody Mary will then explode through the mirror and horribly kill you. Yay, what a fun game!

Almost a third of the movie is told via flashback. The cgi is horrible and the acting is terrible, especially the snotty girl. Young Ryan looks nothing like the older version and every time I heard the name Mary Worth it reminded me of the old lady in the comic strip so it wasn't that scary.

30 Days of Night (2007)

An Alaskan town is on the eve of thirty days without sun. Those who decided to stay in town or who missed the last plane out are unaware that a herd of vampires are about to descend upon them. The vampires speak in an unknown language and tend to make an annoying hissing sound.

I like the concept of a town with no sun being a perfect spot for a vampire attack, but the survivors do stupid things. I'm still not sure why they thought holing up in the store would be a good idea since there was no place to hide. Or why the vampires didn't try following any of the footprints in the snow.

After watching so many horrible low budget films, this was a welcome relief. I enjoyed a lot of it, but it still wasn't a great film. They did a decent job of building the tension, but it's tough to root for people who do stupid things. Plus the ending was incredibly lame and made the movie less enjoyable.

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

After a zombie washes up on shore, the island of Port Gamble is overrun with zombies. The news is blaming the problem on a virus let loose by terrorists so some of the townsfolk blame Frida whose father is from Iraq. As people try to survive the zombie attacks, Tom and Lance, who came to the island to come out to Tom's mother, manage to find refuge in a church where Lance's tshirt trumpets their sexual orientation. This leads to the mayor wanting to lock them outside while the priest decides to convert them via a 1950s conversion room in the church basement.

I was amused by the family in the basement whose mom has been bitten by a zombie. The son keeps telling the Dad that they need to do something because she's going to turn into one of them, but the Dad is only into vampire movies and keeps discounting what his son says.

I did not expect much from this movie as I've not thought too much of the other After Dark movies that I've seen, but this turned out to be better than expected. That being said, it had a couple of laughs and was an okay way to spend an hour and a half, but in no way should be compared to Shaun of the Dead.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2002)

Starting right where Cabin Fever ends, the contaminated water is being used by a bottled water plant and the local high school has just gotten a fresh shipment on prom night - dun dun dah! There is a bit of plot revolving around John, who is in love with long time friend Cassie, a sweet girl who is inexplicably dating the school asshole who bullies John. With a gym full of teens ripe for the virus, the movie is much gooier than the first. Also there are some gross out scenes which are just disgusting and you won't even want to see them. I suppose if they were looking for shock value, they succeeded, but the scenes are unnecessary. And once again, the new theme of fat guys having sexual encounters with hot girls comes into play again. What's up with that?

Fear of the Dark (2002)

Ryan is a young boy with a crippling fear of the dark due to an experience he had when he was younger. His family lives around this fear with his older brother Dale being frustrated at the toll it takes on the family.

Shortly after their parents go out for the night, a storm knocks out the power leaving Dale and Ryan at the mercy of the dark things in the house.

The movie makes effective use of childhood fears and is based on atmosphere rather than special effects. When I was a kid I was afraid to have my hands or feet hang off the edge of the bed. The movie makes good use of this as well as the premise that if you hide completely under the blankets the monsters can't get you.

I believe it's PG-13. It's a decent flick and fairly well done, but those expecting lots of scares will be disappointed.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

As with other movies based on video games, you know there isn't going to be much of a plot or character development. Competitors head to a martial arts competition on an island where they must fight to the death. If you've played the video game, then you've essentially seen the movie. It's lots of fight scenes with little bits of dialogue between.

I saw this movie at the drive in when it first came out. In the scene where Goro has Johnny Cage trapped on the cliff with no way down, the film suddenly cut to Johnny alone looking relieved. What the...?! Now after being forced to watch it again, I can now rest secure in the knowledge that the drive in messed up changing the reels rather than the filmmaker had no idea how to get out of that scene.

Ghost Game (2004)

A group of college students rent a cabin which turns out to be on an island where thirty years earlier some witches died in an occult ritual. After arriving on the island, the group decides to play a game that has a huge note in it which literally says, "do not play this game." Of course they do not heed the warning and bring forth the evil on the island and the killings commence.

In the opening scene, the witches paddle a canoe. Then it cuts to shot that says "30 years later". Huh? Nothing happened!

As the present day story progresses, the story of the witches is told via flashbacks that are intermittently inserted into the film. My guess is that the flashbacks are supposed to look like old film as it's off color and of questionable quality, but it just ends up looking bad.

As for the game, how do they even know the box has a game in it? It is an unmarked metal box that looks like it might be a tool box or a box you'd use to store letters or keepsakes. Yet as soon as they see it, they cry out, "let's play this game!" It just doesn't make any sense. If I saw this box on a shelf full of games, I would push it aside - which is the same thing you should do if you're thinking about renting this.

Cabin Fever (2002)

A group of college students head to a cabin in the woods to spend a week in celebration of their graduation. The kids meet up with some strange town folks, including Dennis, a young boy who bites anyone who gets near him.

One of the guys, Bert, goes out to shoot squirrels and accidentally shoots a sick guy who is hiding in the woods. But the glancing gunshot is the least of his worries as his flesh appears to be bubbling.

Later that night, the guy shows up at their cabin looking for help. Some of the group wants to let him in, while the others slam the door shut due to their fear that what he has is contagious. At this point the man gets in their truck which causes the group to try to convince the guy to leave them alone by using bats, rifles, and a flaming torch. Needless to say it ends very badly when the man catches on fire and runs off into the woods. Here he falls into the pond which is where the cabin gets it's water supply. Oh snap!

The first sign of sickness among their group causes them to turn on each other. At that point it comes down to survival and getting help. Bad decisions are made, friendships are terminated, and there is an ending right of of Night of the Living Dead. There is also Dennis inexplicably screaming "pancakes" and going into martial arts moves.

Thankskilling (2009)

Five college students, who are all sterotypes, head home for Thanksgiving and end up camping by the side of the road when their jeep breaks down. Their camp site is near the spot where a Native American placed a curse on the descendants of those who persecuted them, or anyone else who happens to be nearby and white. When a dog pees on a tiny newly painted totem pole, the ancient curse is unleashed with a killer turkey back from the dead.

The movie is in the realm of a Troma movie with bad one liners and amateur acting and writing. The turkey puppet looks exactly like it does on the cover, so you can tell what you're getting. I would not want to sit through it again, but I have to give them credit as I don't know of any other horror movie about Thanksgiving.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean (2004)

Sven, a helicopter pilot, is upset to find that there is a giant shark on the attack and it is the same shark that ate his wife. Sven wants the beaches closed, but there is a big party and jet ski race planned and oh my god, his daughter is in the race!

The movie is alternately hysterically funny and boring. There is bad dubbing, ridiculous dialogue, and weird pronunciations of megalodon.

The funniest scene is when Sven races along the beach asking everyone to get out of the water by saying, "Shark alarm... shark alarm." But his inflection never varies and it sounds like he's making conversation instead of warning of a 100 foot shark about to kill everyone.

Also up there in the ridiculous is the scene of the German tourists who go into shark cage and are then dragged along the ocean floor while the boat is running because the boats owner doesn't want them to lose interest in the sharks. What? So dragging them across the ocean floor in a shark cage while they bump off the top and bottom of the cage, lose their mouthpieces/oxygen, cut their finger open and get attacked by a shark is going to keep them interested? How about keeping them safe instead!

Beast Within (2008)

aka Virus Undead

After his uncles death, Robert and two friends head to his uncle's mansion to settle the estate. The town sheriff is unfriendly, the local thug holds a grudge toward Robert, and Robert's ex-girlfriend is still upset with him for suddenly leaving town years ago without an explanation. However Robert's friend is able to convince her and another girl to come to the mansion that night for a party.

As the boys drive to the house, they see lots of dead birds by the side of the road. Robert's uncle was studying bird flu and once at the house they find a laboratory in the basement. This comes in handy later when the zombies start to attack. There is no explanation as to why all the zombies have come to this remote mansion location. There is also no explanation for how the group figures out it is a bird virus that is making everyone turn into zombies. I know they're medical students, but come on.

The group stays in the living room, which seems crazy since it has glass doors and tons of windows. Why not find a safer room in which to make a stand? Also one girl ends up jumping out the window and making a stand on her own on the front lawn. Why? It makes no sense. Plus as soon as she's out, the other two characters lock the window and roll down a window covering that looks like those metal safety doors you see over businesses. If they had that option to cover the windows, why didn't they do that before the zombies smashed the windows? And does the front door not lock? Zombies keep pushing it open. Good god.....

Razortooth (2007)

Four college students head to the Everglades for an internship with a professor they've never met before. The professor is studying eels, but does not tell the students he has created a mutant giant eel which is on the loose and must be contained.

After this set up, we get escaped convicts, canoe club kids, townsfolk at the diner, a crowd in the local trailer park, and five million other characters we will never know anything about other than they just might end up being eaten by an eel.

The local animal control officer and the incompetent sheriff, who happens to be his ex-wife, start looking into strange happenings in the town. Why lookee here, the local diner has been trashed, the workers killed and partially eaten, and there's a lot of slime all over the place. What could have done such a thing?! A giant eel perhaps? No, not according to the sheriff who thinks it's those darn escaped prisoners.

The cgi eels, for there are more than one, are not just in the water, but also in the trees where they circle down the trunk and spring on our unsuspecting victims. They also are not a constant size as they go through sewer lines and come up through a shower drain. There is also a scene where someone wrestles an eel which is the width of a dryer pipe, when previously it looked to have the circumference of a 200 year old tree.

This movie also features a prime example of a character carrying around a totally random item which ends up being the exact means to kill the dreaded menace to society.

Polymorph (1996)

An alien crash lands on Earth, looks kind of like a crumpled green glow stick, and can take over peoples bodies which it uses to kill anyone around. A professor has gone to the woods to study what he believes is a meteorite, but is quickly dispatched by a lady drug dealer who is then possessed by the alien.

Two college students doing an internship with the professor bring a couple of girls along with when they go to meet up with him in the woods. They can't find him - because he's already dead - and run into a group of drug dealers who have come to meet the original lady drug dealer who is possessed.

The film is slow moving and has a super clean look like it was done on VHS. The special effects are very low budget and there's not much polymorphing going on. It's a J.R. Bookwalter film.

Half Past Dead 2 (2007)

There is a gang war brewing between the Hispanic and African American gangs at the prison. Burke, played by wrestler Bill Goldberg, likes to keep to himself and so does Twitch, who is only biding his time until he can break out of prison and find a large cache of gold hidden by one of the characters in the first film.

One of the gangs kills the leader of the other gang and frames Burke for the killing which starts a gang war that happens right when Twitch's girlfriend and Burke's daughter are in the prison. Oh no, hostages for the gang members!

Oddly enough this movie does not have much action in it. I'm not sure who this movie was made for since it is lacking in plot, action, and nudity - and you've got to have at least one of those to sell this type of film.

There are so many plot holes, it'll take double digits to count them all. But the ones that bother me the most are the following:

1. The lock down doesn't lock all the doors, only the ones convenient for the plot points.
2. Burke is in the kitchen serving food when the killing is framed on him, yet his daughter has not managed to leave the prison yet.
3. Having never personally been inside a prison, do visitors really have to go through the prisoners corridors to get to the visitor's room and conjugal visit area?
4. There are no cameras in the guards control rooms, which is a shame since the prisoners can override any lockdown by flipping the switches here. Also it makes it easy to pin the killing of the two dead guards on Burke and Twitch.

28 Weeks Later

Now that the infected have died from starvation, the army has cleaned up and cordoned off part of London which they are letting people live in. Don, who abandoned his wife to the zombies when they attacked, has been waiting for his children to come back as they were away when the outbreak hit.

The kids sneak out of the containment zone to go to their old home and get a photo of their mom so they won't forget her. In the process they discover that their mother has somehow survived and is hiding in the attic. The military decides to bring everyone back inside the safe zone in order to discover how she survived the zombie attack, believing there is something in her blood that may be useful in developing a vaccine.

After enjoying 28 Days Later, I figured this would be the next movie I watched, but it did not live up to the first one. After the virus is unleashed again, the events that transpire are predictable. There is some tension when the infected attack, but it is very easy to see where the movie is headed and who is going to be the next victim. The main zombie was freaking me out, but the tension can't build when you know what is going to happen next.

Also there were some really stupid actions on the part of the characters and some things that are bugging me.

1. The kids decide to go into the zombie containment zone. Yes, I know it's supposed to be free from the virus, but seriously? You don't know what is out there and more importantly, it's outside the safe zone.
2. The kids are easily able to sneak past the guards, which doesn't make it all that safe. Plus the sniper on top of the building notifies security that two kids have sneaked outside, but the military takes it's sweet time tracking them down. Wouldn't that be a priority?
3. They leave the mother unattended once they bring her back to the lab. Even though she survived, she could have a mutated form of the virus or be a carrier, so wouldn't you want to make sure no one wandered in there?
4. If my husband had left me to be eaten by zombies, I would not want to talk to him ever again, let alone kiss him.
5. When they discover that an infected is in the building, they herd all civilians into a parking garage, which means if one gets infected, they'll all get infected and the virus will be harder to contain.
6. When Andy and his sister fall down the escalator in the dark, how did he end up in a different area of the subway?

Too many other questions, but I'll stop there. That being said, this was more of a true horror movie than the first one. Also it was scarier, but the first was a much better film.

Black Dynamite (2009)

When Black Dynamite's younger brother is killed by the mob, BD sets out to clean up the streets. You can feel the influence of Dolemite, Jim Brown, and Jim Kelly all over this flick.

While the movie is a dead on satire of 1970s blaxploitation films, it is so accurate that sometimes you'll feel like you're watching a bad 1970s movie. Sometimes I was laughing out loud, while other times I was going into a stupor because it was so spot on. I did enoy the boom mics dipping into the shot, the awkward line reads, and the really funny scene where Black Dynamite screams at a kid who wants to grow up to be just like him.

Whoever did the soundtrack did a great job and must be really familiar with this type of movie. They nailed the mood and song structure. I also loved the cartoon closing credits.

28 Days Later (2002)

After animal rights activists break into a laboratory to free the animals, they are infected by a monkey with the rage virus. The virus quickly spreads through England turning people into zombies, aka the Infected, and desimating the population.

28 days later, Jim wakes from a coma in a London hospital to find the building and the city deserted. Being unaware of what has taken place, Jim roams the streets desperate to find human contact. After escaping from the Infected, Jim learns what has happened from two other survivors.

Eventually Jim and three others pick up an automated radio signal from the military and decides to head toward their destination in the hope that someone else is still alive. But the results of their quest are not what they had hoped for and they soon discover there are things even worse than fighting off the Infected.

The film was not what I expected. I had heard how scary it was, but instead found it more filled with tension than horror, (although I suppose the two can overlap). The idea of fighting to get to safety and then finding out that what you've sought out is worse than what you had before is very disturbing.

Carny (2009)

Lou Diamond Phillips is the sheriff in a small town being visited by a traveling carnival. The local preacher believes the carnival must be stopped, but Phillips tours the grounds with the head carney and declares things in order.

Everything would have been fine except for the freak show which included the living legend, the Jersey Devil, that the carny's bought on the sly to deliver to a private collector for lots of cash. If only the nasty teenaged preacher's son hadn't thrown his popcorn at the Devil, it wouldn't have gotten out of it's chains and gone on a killing spree in town.

This is an okay movie but nothing special. Sometimes it is amusing when the Devil's size is not consistent throughout the movie.

Rot: Reunion of Terror (2008)

First I should mention that the girl on the cover is not in the film, so anyone considering renting it for that reason should skip it. In fact, the best idea would be to skip it all together unless you want to see the weakest conclusion ever.

Another in the list of obnoxious characters you don't like and want dead style of movie making that is so popular these days. A group of high school friends is invited to an informal reunion at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Their host never shows up and the group spends their time trading quips and being idiots.

Only one of them remembers how to get back to the main road and as people start disappearing, they break off into little groups to wander the woods looking for the missing friends.

The explanation for the killings and the killer's revenge on the last surviving member of the group is one of the lamest I've ever seen. Seriously? That's how you're going to punish him? It may not even work. Sure it would cause fear and anxiety, but even if it did work it could take years and years to even cause you problems.

Also of note is the opening which features someone flipping through a yearbook and cutting out pictures of our main characters. The yearbook photos all look the same except for the ones of our cast. They don't have the same background and they are closer to the camera. In fact, the photos appear to be head shots. Good grief! Plus this is another movie with an attractive girl hooking up with an overweight guy she just met.

Dead Tone (2007)

aka 7eventy 5ive

Ten years before the movie takes place, a group of friends are having a sleep over while all their parents party in the next room. An odd occurrence to be sure, but it makes it so much more convenient for the killer that the kids prank called. After all, he might have to make an effort to make the kids orphans if the adults weren't all in one room.

Back to the present, some of the kids are in college and making the same type of prank calls - keep the random person you've dialed on the phone for seventy five seconds and make them believe whatever outrageous story you've concocted. A pretty lame game to begin with, but even worse when it was the catalyst for the death of your parents.

The group ends up at a huge party at a mansion in the middle of nowhere where they play the game again. Oh imagine that, they've called another killer. Will he show up at the door in the middle of nowhere? Of course he will due to the incredibly stupid party goers who give the address out to the psycho who's been repeatedly calling for the past five hours.

As seems to be the trend in recent horror movies, the main characters are obnoxious jerks that you won't care about and their death will bring relief from their stupid mutterings. Also what is up with movies paring an attractive girl with the dumpy awkward guy? It's showing up in more and more movies.

Oh almost forgot, Rutger Hauer shows up once in awhile as a detective whose been working on the cold case of tracking down the killer from ten years ago.

Terror Train (1980)

After a fraternity prank gone wrong, one of the pledges ends up in an insane aslyum. Three years later, the fraternity charters a train for a graduation costume party. But as the students board the train, one of their friends is killed and an unknown person gets on the train wearing his costume.

When the killings start, Alana realizes that everyone who is dying had a hand in the prank. The conductor who found more than one dead body does a search of the train and tries to keep the students together so no one will be harmed. But you know how that goes. There is always someone who wanders off and figures by hiding alone in a deserted area they will be safer than remaining with the others.

Typical 80s slasher with Jaime Lee Curtis, but the train setting means that no one can escape. Also David Copperfield does card tricks accompanied by dance music. It would have been better if he was also on roller skates.

The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Peter buys an old house to turn into a bed and breakfast. When his girlfriend Darcy and her daughter Pamela arrive for the weekend, Pamela meets a little girl who tells her the legend of the tooth fairy. Years ago the house was home to a witch who would kill children after taking their last baby tooth. Coincidentally Pamela has one baby tooth which is quickly knocked out in a fall.

For some reason that is not explained - perhaps that her home has been renovated? - the tooth fairy starts killing guests at the house and even some of the locals.

The strangest thing about this movie is that Darcy and Pamela do not seem to think it's important to tell anyone of the violent attacks on their person. First Darcy is attacked and almost raped at a gas station. When she arrives at Peter's she doesn't mention it at all until he asks about her broken window. How could it not be the first thing she said? Why didn't she call the cops?

Second, when Pamela is riding her bike through the woods and a hooded figure jumps out of the woods and knocks her off her bike, she never says a word to her Mom. Are you serious? You were just attacked by a freak in the woods and you tell her you fell off your bike?

Dawn of the Mummy (1981)

Fashion models head to Egypt for a photo shoot in the desert and run into tomb robbers at a newly discovered burial site. Even though the robbers shoot at them, the models approach and ignore the robbers request not to enter the newly blasted hole leading to the tomb. The photographer insists on shooting near the sarcophagus and sets up all his lights and equipment.

The tomb is cursed and soon the mummy rises to seek his revenge. He brings with him a team of mummy-zombies who tear into the town during a wedding ceremony.

The acting and dubbing aren't great, but they look fantastic compared to the hideous blond wig worn by the lead robber, Rick. Also when the local crazy old lady yells to the mummy it sounds like she is calling him surferman. The whole thing was really bad, but it was fun to watch with other people because everyone was laughing at it.

Recon 2022: Mezzo Incident (2007)

Anytime a film starts with the caption, "ten years earlier", you know you're in trouble. The weird thing about this is that I never saw it say it was back in the present. Did I blink and miss it? I don't know. I didn't see any difference from ten years earlier to the rest of the film.

The story involves a group of soldiers that go to an ice planet to search for alien species the Mahar. When the group does stumble across them, they engage in a gun battle in which neither side hits anything. They all stand out in the open firing shot after shot, and yet no one dies. It's pathetic.

A huge part of the film is made up of people walking. They walk on the ice and in the underground tunnels. It would be better to have more action since the walking isn't for any sort of character development. Also the acting is atrocious and the characters are not likable.

My favorite part of the movie was when the ice worm with the mullet came crashing up through the ice and chomped into one of the soldiers, The group looks around, swings their guns into position and one of the soldiers cries out, "It's under the ice!" Yes, nicely done, master of the obvious.

Dreamscape (1984)

Alex, a young genius who is telekinetic, is recruited by Dr. Novotny to participate in his experimental process of entering the dreams of others. Dr. Novotny believes that this can be used as a psychological tool to help people overcome their nightmares. Once in the dream, the psychic can observe what is happening or can interact and change the outcome of the dream.

There are several psychics involved in these dangerous experiments. One of the psychics goes insane while in an other's dream. Also there is talk that one must be careful while projecting into someones mind as it is possible to kill them in their dream.

The star psychic in the study seems to be involved in under handed things and is threatened by Alex's ability to help cure others of their nightmares. When the President of the United States comes to the clinic, Alex and the other psychic must face off as they are both looking for a different outcome to the nightmares.

Murder Party (2007)

On Halloween night, Chris finds an invitation to a murder party on the street. Rather than spend the night alone watching movies, he decides to go to the party.

The party is in a seedy warehouse on the bad side of town. When Chris arrives with his pumpkin bread, he finds that the party is really an art project where pretentious artists are going to kill him and compete for a grant from a rich benefactor.

The premise of the film is interesting and the set up goes well. But once Chris is tied to a chair, the film degenerates into a tediously long conversation between the annoying, pretentious artists. There are a few more interesting spots along the way, but it never reaches the potential of the plot.

There were three things that made me laugh.

1. The line about how anyone stupid enough to come to a murder party deserves to be murdered.
2. After eating the pumpkin bread, Sky falls to the ground because she's allergic to non-organic raisins, and ends up with a huge bloody gushing hole in her head.
3. Chris's pathetic attempt to escape from the closet in which he dumps a pile of junk in front of the murderous group, dodges left, dodges right, and then runs away.

Jennifers Body (2009)

Needy and Jennifer are best friends. Needy is a shy dorky girl with a steady boyfriend and Jennifer is the hot bitchy cheerleader that sleeps with any guy she wants. When the two go to a local club to see the band Low Shoulder, a fire erupts during the bands first song and most of the concert goers die.

Jennifer and Needy escape and the band asks Jennifer to go somewhere with them in their van. Needy begs her not to go, but Jennifer is interested in the lead singer. Bad move since the band is looking for a virgin sacrifice which will please the dark powers and enable them to become rock stars.

The only problem is Jennifer lied about being a virgin and ends up becoming a succubus that must consume living flesh, which she gets by killing the boys who want to sleep with her. Needy is the only one who notices a change in Jennifer and sets out to try to stop her.

Billed as a horror comedy, it falls short on the comedy. Overall, it was okay, but not great. Although I did get a laugh out of the band breaking into Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 (Jenny).

Triangle (2009)

Jess joins her friend Greg and his friends for a day trip on his yacht. When a storm arises from nowhere, the boat capsizes and the group is left sitting on the upside down vessel waiting to be rescued.

After a few hours, the group are able to board a passing ocean liner named the SS Aeolus, that appears to be deserted. As the group hears sounds on board but can find no one, the tension builds and soon a masked killer starts firing at them.

At first this movie seems to be about a boating accident in the Bermuda Triangle, but it ends up being a huge never ending loop of occurrences that are shown from different viewpoints. You start to understand what's really going on, but then it just keeps going and you'll find things that make you question the holes in the plot.

When we got done watching this, I thought, "what a total mindfuck." Though it was billed as horror, it's more of a thriller. On a side note, after this we considered watching Chuck Norris in the Octagon, but had had enough of movies based on geometric shapes.

American Ninja 5 (1993)

Good god, this is awful. From the title, I expected another sequel in the American Ninja series, but I was sadly mistaken. Instead of a martial arts flick, what we have is a family film with bad comedy overtones. David Bradly doesn't even play the same character, although technically he is American and he is a ninja.

The story line revolves around ninja Joe, who is entrusted with the care of his friend's 12 year old ward, Hiro, a wise cracking orphan. They stow away on a plane heading to South American in an attempt to rescue Joe's girlfriend Lisa who has been kidnapped.

Lisa's dad is a scientist who is working on a chemical that will kill living creatures but leave everything else intact. Sadly he does not realize that he is working for an evil man who plans to use this knowledge to take over the world. Why doesn't anyone ever consider that if someone is going to fund this type of project, it may not be used for peaceful purposes?

Glock, the evil guy, has an army of ninjas and a super ninja named Viper who dresses in a red satiny cape. In order to combat this army, Joe teaches Hiro ninjitsu. Hiro must be a natural because within a day or two he is competently beating any ninja that comes his way.

The dialogue in the film is more suited to a poorly written children's movie than an action movie. The music is something out of a happy fun time comedy, which is really inappropriate in chase scenes. So if you're looking for a kid's movie, then perhaps this is for you. Otherwise if you're thinking this is another American Ninja movie, you'll be sadly mistaken and rue the day you wasted your time.

Pray For Morning (2006)

A group of college students decide to spend a night in an abandoned hotel where five students were murdered years earlier. Using pictures of the crime scenes, they decide to visit every room where someone died. They don't have any info other on the room numbers, but somehow they manage to find each room in the huge old hotel.

Even though it has been abandoned for years, the electricity still works, there are no cobwebs, and the carpet in the lobby and on the main stairs looks clean.

In one of the rooms, the group finds a hand hidden in the wall. This starts the supernatural flowing and the killing begins.

As the students try to save themselves, they do lots of stupid things. They split up even after vowing to stay together. One student sits in a chair and doesn't even put it up against a wall leaving his back exposed so that anything can come up behind him. Also when they can't locate a friends, one person suggests he is joking around. Yeah right, because there have been so many jokes already. Just forget that people are getting killed all over the place.

Best of all, they see a little kid in the stairway with blood on his head. One of the girls has already seen ghosts in the building and warns the others that he's dead, to which the one of the guys responds, "No, he's just a kid." Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!!

And I would be remiss in not mentioning that Udo Kier is an evil magician from Vaudevillian times. Isn't it scary boys and girls?

Paranoid Park (2007)

I am not a fan of Gus Van Sant's and had forgotten he had a hand in this when I rented it. The story revolves around Alex, a skateboarder who accidentally kills a security guard one night in a train yard.

Alex spends the majority of the movie dazed and expressionless. He is haunted by what happened but is also afraid. The police are investigating the death and think it might have been a murder. They are interviewing all the skateboarders at his high school since the murder happened near Paranoid Park, the local underground skatepark.

The story does not go in order and flashbacks of the event are gruesome. There is also a second telling of the same scenes from a different angle. This puts them in context but only happens halfway through the film once the accident has been revealed. It can be confusing and distracting, and if I hadn't read the description I would not have known what was happening in the first part of the film.

The acting is hit or miss. Once I got used to Alex's delivery, it worked within the context of the story. However Alex's friend Macy is stilted, unnatural, and sounds like she is in a high school play.

Red Sands (2009)

A group of soldiers on reconnaissance in Afghanistan destroy an ancient statue unleashing the Djinn that lived within it.

The soldiers are required to stay in a small building in the middle of nowhere and keep an eye on a nonexistent road. In the middle of the night, a young woman appears out of a sandstorm and seeks refuge with them. No one notices that she is not what she seems. The men start having strange dreams and seeing things which are not there.

There is a scene where a soldier accuses another of killing one of the other men in the platoon. The problem is it might have made a bigger impression if I'd have known the guy who killed the soldier was one of their own unit and not a stranger. I don't remember ever seeing this guy before.

Long Time Dead (2002)

Oddly enough this is the second film we randomly picked for the night that centered around the Djinn. A group of eight friends / roommates go to a dance club and decide to have a seance using a makeshift Ouija board in the upper part of the club, which appears to be in an abandoned factory.

One of the girls tells them that whatever happens, they must not break the circle as the spirit might get caught in their world. When the spirit tells them they will all die, one of the group freaks out and bolts out the door. Uh oh.

Shortly after this one of the girls dies and the rest of the group start to worry who will be next. As the killings continue, they try to figure out a way to stop the murders.

At one point the group finds that their creepy landlord has crime clippings and photos all over his walls of a murder that was committed by one of the student's fathers. The police immediately search his apartment, which is odd since I'm still not sure how having a wall full of newspaper clippings of a twenty year old crime can be considered enough to get a search warrant.

It is a really neat effect when the Jinn's eyes change for the first time, but other than that there isn't much interesting going on here. And the kids split up even after they know a killer is after them and should all stay together. No excuse for it.

Alone in the Dark 2 (2008)

Not that much of this makes any sense. There is a witch made up of smoke that people repeatedly try to kill by shooting her. The bullets pass through her smokey old self, but they continue firing until she kills them.

They also try to fend her off with an electric fence, even though they know she can disrupt the power. There is a back up generator, but of course it fails immediately and then they need to leave the safety of their electric cage to go start it.

Then there is a dagger which if it cuts your skin, will infect you with the witches curse. But the dagger also can be used to kill the witch if you put a piece of her heart in it. Yet when her heart is in it, people keep destroying the heart because the witch is coming.

When infected with the curse, a person starts having hallucinogenic dreams and the witch will be able to kill you if you look into a mirror. After being warned not to look in the mirror, this is exactly what the main character does. Hoooboy.

Also everyone is searching for the witches lab. That's right, not her lair, but her lab. The lab turns out to be a cave with nothing in it that would make anyone call it a lab. Also confusing is that two people escape from the lab by crawling through tunnels and end up coming out the sewer drains. Seriously? The sewer drains lead to the witches lab? How is it an urban explorer hasn't discovered this?

Somehow this nonsense managed to get Lance Henricksen, Bill Mosely, PJ Soles, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare. Yes, I know Pare has done some real dogs, but holy moly is one bad.

Acolytes (2008)

When Mark sees a man in the middle of the woods filling in a hole in the ground, he decides to come back later with his friends to see what is buried. The three teenagers freak out when they dig up a female corpse. After considering calling the police, they decide to find the killer themselves.

Once they find him, the two boys decide to blackmail the man into killing a local thug who raped them when they were younger and is still terrorizing them.

A bad plan any way you look at it, but it becomes even worse when the killer decides to start looking for the teens who are blackmailing him.

It's an interesting premise, although the film does not deliver and the twist ending does not resolve itself. The whole thing is very disturbing, especially since no one seems to have any regard for human life.

Also the flashbacks are incredibly annoying as they are at least twice as loud as the rest of the film. I'm sure that's a scare tactic, but it was extremely irritating and made me have the mute button at the ready.

Incident At Loch Ness (2004)

After watching the Loch Ness Terror, which was fun, I thought I'd try this mockumentary regarding a film crew making a documentary about director Werner Herzog, who in turn is making a documentary about the Loch Ness monster.

I had read a few lines from the movie which made me laugh out loud. I was really in the mood for this based on the good reviews I had seen, which all mentioned how humorous the movie was.

Unfortunately I was completely disappointed. There were a few funny things, but mostly it fell short of humor. Even the lines that made me laugh when I read them were not funny. I believe it was the delivery. Whatever it was, I did not enjoy this one at all.

Inglorious Bastards (1978)

A convoy of soldiers on their way to military prison to await trial are attacked by the Germans. In the aftermath, they manage to escape and decide to head to Switzerland. They capture a German soldier to use as a guide and help them get past German squadrons in the area.

A misunderstanding in which they kill an undercover American team on a mission to stop a German train carrying a new missile is the catalyst that causes them to end up deciding to complete that team's highly dangerous mission.

While the film is listed as being from 1978, it felt more like a late sixties film based on the pacing.

Loch Ness Terror (2008)

When James Murphy was a kid, his father was killed by the Loch Ness Monster. As an adult, James has followed in his father's footsteps, becoming a cryptozoologist and continuing his search for Nessie.

When he hears of a sighting in Lake Ontario, James heads to town and begins his investigation, which is a good thing since Nessie and her babies have started to chomp the local folks.

While this is an enjoyable movie, there are several problems with Nessie. First is her ever changing scale. One day she's towering over someone on the beach, the next day she's sticking her head through a car window. Also the babies are super cute, so you feel sorry for them when the shooting starts.

Lastly, there are the lines right out of Dark Shadows where James tells Josh that Nessie is an unknown species and Josh replies, "What sort of species is it?"

Brutal Massacre: A Comedy (2007)

Mockumentary about Harry Penderecki, a low budget horror director trying to make a comeback years after his one big hit. He and his crew head to the country to film, running into a myriad of problems, including accidental death, crazy locals, taunting teens, and the lack of liquid assets needed to complete the film.

The idea behind it is solid, but the laughs just aren't there. Penderecki is played by David Naughton, best known for American Werewolf in London and 1970s Dr. Pepper ads (which managed to get him a short lived tv show).

Killer Movie (2008)

A reality tv show crew heads to a small town to film a high school hockey team, but there is also a serial killer in town. The crew hopes to capitalize on this angle as the first victim was the girlfriend of one of the stars of the hockey team.

The movie is done like a reality show with scenes intercut with interviews with the characters where they talk about what they were thinking during the scene. It's kind of distracting.

Most of the characters are unlikable, which I guess goes along with reality tv. There is a twist ending and some ridiculous stuff happens, such as leaving the little kid out in the hall while getting locked in an office.

The Swarm (1978)

Irwin Allen, king of the disaster movie, gives us another all star cast facing terror and a potentially insurmountable situation. Yes sir, it's The Swarm!

Killer bees descend on a town in the midst of their annual flower festival and attack a military base. Michael Caine, noted entomologist, believes he has the answer to defeating the bee menace. The military disagrees and thus we have in fighting which keeps the bee menace safe another day.

The movie seems really long. I'm not sure if it is really two hours or just felt like it. While there are many silly plot points in this film, the one I found the silliest was the doctor who tests the serum to reverse the effects of bee stings on himself.

He injects himself with bee venom. Then waits as long as it would take the other victims before they could get injected with the serum. This leaves him unable to grasp the needle and shortly thereafter all hopes for a vaccine die with him. Idiot! If you insist on doing this asinine test, at least have someone there to administer the shot so you have a chance of survival.

Adventureland (2009)

The advertising for this made it appear to be along the lines of Superbad, which it is not. I don't see how it could be protrayed as a comedy since it's not funny. It's the story of a college student who plans to go to grad school and then finds out his parents are not going to give him the money they promised him.

Consequently he gets a summer job at the local amusement park as his degree in comparative literature, and lack of previous work history keep him from getting every other job he pursues.

The movie follows his romance with a fellow worker who is having an affair with a married man, and his interactions with other people at work.

Actually the best thing about this movie is that whoever picked the soundtrack did a really great job.

Severance (2006)

The sales department for a weapons company on their way to a team building retreat at a luxury lodge in Hungary, finds themselves alone after their bus driver refuses to drive down a dirt road that their boss believes is a short cut.

The group arrives at a large industrial building which their boss insists is the luxury lodge, but turns out to be an old asylum where Soviet soldiers who were psychotic killers were housed.

The group soon realizes someone is in the woods watching them and factions split as to whether to leave or hold tight. Then the killings begin and everyone is fighting for their lives.

The movie is advertised as a horror comedy, but I disagree. This is a horror film that has some funny lines, but it is not a comedy in any sense of the word, not even a dark comedy.

Also there is the inexplicable stabbing dream. Anyone can have a strange dream, but in the context of the movie, I have no idea why this was thrown in there.

Retardead (2008)

Retardead is the sequel to Monsturd and picks up with Dr. Stern taking a teaching position at a school for the mentally challenged. Dr. Stern has developed an intelligence serum and has decided the perfect subjects will be the students.

His daily injections quickly change the kids into classical music playing, literature reading, mathematician brainiacs. The drastic change doesn't seem to alarm anyone, which is too bad since one of the side effects of the serum is that the kids turn into flesh eating zombies.

Even though I love zombie movies, I'm not a fan of gore. I think whether you like it or not, this will work for you as there are some pretty gross scenes, but some of it is also funny.

The scenes in the warehouse could have benefited from some ADR. There is also a side plot of the police trying to catch someone called the Weenie Wagger which could have been left out of the film and it wouldn't have mattered.

In one of the first scenes where the zombies are locked in a room at the school and are eating someone, the bald zombie does not have any makeup on top of his head. There is a line right across it where the makeup stops. I think he might have been wearing a hat at one point, but I can't remember. It looks pretty funny though.

Before the movie begins there are two fake drive in trailers for sixties style horror movies. These are complete with bad dubbing, poor acting, and period graphics. My favorite of the two was the brilliantly titled, Frankenstein and the Bloody Beast of Ghastly Terror.

There is also a voice over by Herschell Gordon Lewis and a cameo by Jello Biafra.

Nature's Grave (2008)

A married couple who can't stand each other decide to go on a weekend camping trip with another couple, but end up on their own when the other couple never shows up.

The two are extremely unlikable. The wife is condescending and nagging, while the husband is selfish and oblivious. Both essentially destroy everything they come in contact with and don't care. They litter, shoot at something in the water, hit a baby kangaroo with their car, and make mother nature hate their guts.

The movie seems much longer than it is as each scene is just the two of them showing how little they care for anything or anyone other than themselves. They are completely callous and unsympathetic, and you will want them to die.

The Ghost in the Tiny Bikini (2006)

After the first five minutes of softcore, we realized it wasn't going to be anything else and we stopped watching it. So if you're looking for that, you may enjoy it. Anyone looking for a horror movie, move along now. Nothing to see here.

Hells Ground (2007)

A group of students rent a van so they can go to a concert that is hours away from their home. They become lost while trying to take a short cut and stumble upon an area where the people have turned into zombies from drinking polluted water.

After escaping and giving a strange man a ride, the van runs out of gas. Several of the group decide to try to find help and shortly afterwards the massacre commences.

The movie is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre that a zombie flick since the zombies are few and far between, which was a disappointment for me since I watched it for the zombies.