Troll 2 (1990)

Years ago I watched this film at home and it was sheer torture. However recently I decided to go to a public showing of it with friends and found that it is fun to see if you're in a room full of people who are laughing at the monstrosity that is Troll 2.

The plot, such as it is, is that Joshua and his family trade houses with another family for a weeks vacation in the town of Nilbog. The ghost of Joshua's dead grandfather shows up to tell him not to eat any of the food in town and to get the family out of there! Of course no one listens to Joshua's warning - and with good reason since it's coming from his dead grandpa.

The big secret of the town is that it's full of Goblins. (Nilbog spelt backwards is Goblin, ooooo!) And they are vegetarian Goblins so they must make the family eat green food in order to turn them into vegetables.

The acting is embarrassing, the script is ridiculous, and it is the only movie in existence with a horrifyingly funny seduction using an ear of corn. Seriously, who would think it was a sexy to have a woman and a teenage boy gnaw on an ear of corn which causes combustion that turns the corn into popcorn which they get buried underneath? Take that, John Holmes!

Stacy (2001)

I like the idea of this movie. Teenage girls between 15-17 are afflicted with a euphoria called Near Death Happiness, after which they die and come back as zombies. If the family can not bear to kill their Stacy, the zombies are dispatched by the Romero Repeat Kill Squad. Their preferred chainsaw of choice for this task is named Bruce Campbell's Right Hand.

Unfortunately even with everything it has going for it, I hate this movie. Stylistically it reminded me of a horror version of Doctor Who and the music annoyed the hell out of me. I almost didn't make it through the entire movie, but I kept hoping there would be something that would change my opinion. However the longer it went on, the more I started to loathe it.

Death Proof (2007)

Finally got around to seeing Death Proof and really enjoyed it. It was right out of the 1970s, complete with screen blips, scratches on the film, and dialogue that sometimes went on a bit too long and got boring

Kurt Russell is Stuntman Mike, a friendly guy who drives a decidedly unfriendly car. When Mike interacts with a group of wild young girls at the bar, you know something is going to go wrong. As usual it's not a good idea to catch a ride home from a stranger, even when he seems very affable.

The second half of the film is an abrupt switch to another set of characters, again all females. This group is on vacation and looking to drive a very specific car just for the fun of it. After conning a guy to let them test drive their dream car, there is an unexpected run in with Stuntman Mike. After a really frustrating sequence of events in which I was cursing the stupidity of the women, there comes an absolutely fantastic ending that made the whole thing worth it.

Dead Meat (2004)

Helena and her boyfriend Martin are driving through the Irish countryside when they hit a pedestrian. Unfortunately the man turns out to be a zombie infected by cows with mad cow disease and he bites Martin. Helena tries to get help from a nearby farmhouse and is attacked by zombies, including the now dead Martin.

Helena proves to be adept at stabbing zombies and after escaping meets up with Desmond, the local gravedigger. They head off on foot toward his house two miles down the road. Later they meet some neighbors who have a car. Upon hearing a news broadcast, they head toward a castle mentioned as a meeting place for survivors to be picked up by the military.

The first part of the film where Desmond and Helena make their way on foot across the countryside was the most enjoyable. They did a good job building tension. After they teamed up with the others and got in the car, the tension dissipated - although the thought of walking through a field of sleeping zombies in the dark brought back some tension.

Ba'al: the Storm God (2008)

A dying evil archaeologist steals ancient scrolls and searches for four amulets which he plans to use to harness the power of Ba'al the storm god. Enlisting the help of two other archaeologists who don't know what's going on, our evil doctor travels the world digging up the amulets which ignites a storm and the face of Ba'al in the sky. This tips off our innocent archaeologists that something is wrong.

There is also a rogue meteorologist previously banned from a military base who now must work with them again to solve the problem of the massive storms that keep popping up in the stratosphere.

The movie features one of those scenes where in the midst of trying to solve an insurmountable problem one of the characters suddenly gets an idea based on one word uttered by another character. "Wait a minute- what did you just say?.... That's it! That just might be the answer. What if we...."

The silliest thing about this movie is that the statue of Ba'al tips over on a security guard who is trying to stop a thief from stealing the scrolls. There is no explanation for the massive statue to topple onto the guard except that if it didn't, nothing else in the movie could have happened.

Also why has no one noticed or tried to push the buttons on the front of Ba'al? Surely in all the years it has existed, someone has wanted to see what would happen. And why does the younger archaeologist kneel in front of the statue to remove the artifacts when moments before a large lance came out of the center of it and skewered someone? He's positioned so that if it comes out again, it's going right through his head.

Die and Let Live (2006)

Best friends Benny and Smalls throw a party in an attempt for Benny to get a date with Stephanie who just broke up with her cheating boyfriend. Meanwhile some test subjects with a zombie virus have gotten loose from an experimental medical facility and are biting whoever they can get their hands on. Stephanies ex-boyfriend and the zombies show up at the party and mayhem ensues.

While this isn't the best movie you're going to see, it's certainly not the worst. The comedy often falls flat (although the clips of the premier show the crowd laughing uproariously). The zombie make up on the cover is what you get. Often the cast holds their hands over the spot of they were bitten, which I assume is to try to hide the fact that there is no wound. When the zombies bite there is plenty of blood. There is also some sinewy bits that seem to be held on the victims arms by the zombies. One distracting thing was that Benny got a haircut during the filming and in some scenes his hair is super short.

I have to give them a lot of credit for getting this made and distributed. It's not perfect by any means but it's definitely better than many low budget movies I've seen. Also I read a comment from the director where he said the movie cost $1000 other than the cost of cameras. In light of that information, they really did an amazing job as I would never have guessed they only spent that much money on this.

Alone in the Dark (2006)

It's never a good sign when a movie starts with a huge crawl of text in an attempt to provide an explanation of what you're about to see. It's also not good when the assumption is made that moviegoers will accept Tara Reid as an archaeologist because she is wearing glasses and has her hair up.

Paranormal investigator Edward Carnby has an artifact that an evil archaeologist desires. It is the key to a door between two worlds and there are monsters in the other world. Not sure why people always wants to open that door, but here we go again.

Carnby used to be part of secret government unit 713, which is also involved in the search as there is paranormal stuff going on. Twenty years earlier twenty orphans disappeared, (then reappeared), but as adults have gone missing again. Carnby was one of the orphans but does not succumb to the force taking the others as the night of the disappearance he hid in a power supply building and was electrocuted.

It's just plain ridiculous with cgi monsters and things that don't make any sense. The weirdest thing is for Carnby and archaeologist Reid to escape through a wooden bulkhead on the orphanage lawn. Was that even there before? How could no one notice it? If they were looking for orphans, wouldn't they look down there? And how did the archaeologist happen to have made a lab in the underground tunnel that housed the door to the other world? He didn't even seem to know it was there. Good god.....

The Devil's Tomb (2009)

A group of soldiers head to an underground lab in the middle of the desert to rescue a scientist and find there is evil afoot. And this horrible evil glues baked beans to people's faces and makes their victims incredibly stupid.

The soldiers are supposed to be special forces but they act like amateurs. They split up, fire at nothing, read porn, make out with sexy ladies who show up out of nowhere, don't keep an eye on the people who just tried to attack the group, and don't listen to the priest who has managed to survive whatever is going on in the lab.

One woman's unborn child shows up as a little girl and she follows the girl off into the tunnels. Seriously? You know it's not really your child, but you follow it not once, but two different times. How stupid are you?

When you reach the end of the movie, you'll be sorry you sat through it because the payoff it not worth it.

Mutant Chronicles(2008)

For a movie called the Mutant Chronicles, I expected a whole lot more mutant action. The steampunk story starts in a World War I atmosphere with soldiers in trenches when suddenly the machine that was buried years and years ago somehow lets loose it's mutant cargo. The mutants burst on the scene with their huge claws that go right through human skulls like butter. Sean Pertwee turns in another in his performances of someone severely injured lying on the ground and holding a gun.

The two soldiers who escape the mutant battlefield are recruited for a special force to go into the machine and destroy it, thus saving humankind. The groups mission is jeopardized by Major Hunter when on the way to destroying the machine, he leaves the group to try to save Pertwee who is somehow still alive and still being dragged by mutants. Hmm, save the planet or save one man? Bad choice because it leads to others making bad decisions and soon their mission is in ruins as the few left desperately try to figure out how to stop the machine.

Maneater (2007)

In a scene right of out Jaws, the mayor tells the sheriff he can not tell the reporters that town folks are being eaten by a man eating tiger because it's time for the annual Corn and Apple Festival. Scary Gary Busey is the sheriff of this small town who teams up with a stereotypical British tiger hunter (pith helmet, mustache, khaki) to try to save the town from harm. There is a sub plot about a boy named Roy who lives in a trailer and is home schooled by his super religious mom. Roy sees the tiger in his dreams and doesn't want anyone to harm him. An average flick which is sometimes amusing due to Busey.

Zombieland (2009)

An infection has turned most of the Earth's population into zombies. Columbus meets up with Tallahassee while he's trying to get to his parents house. Eventually they run into two sisters and the four travel together as the two girls head toward an amusement park in California where they've heard there are no zombies.

Columbus is obsessive and a geeky loner who has rules for dealing with the zombies which are good for survival. There are some funny scenes which incorporate the rules.

I enjoyed this film, but wish there had been a different ending as it didn't do anything for me. I kept wondering if they had been smart enough get to the amusement park without being killed by zombies, how could they be so stupid as to not think that turning on all the lights and rides at night wouldn't attract tons of zombies?

Ninja Assassin (2009)

I have loved Ninja movies ever since I saw Sho Kosugi's ninja movies in the 1980s. So I was happy to see Sho in this movie which carries on in the same vein. Raizo is an orphan who was raised to be a ninja assassin, but he falls for a girl in his clan who one night decides to escape to freedom. Of course no ninja clan leader, especially one as heartless as Sho Kosugi is going to let that go unpunished. Our hero later abandons the clan after a difficult kill.

In the other part of the story, Interpol agent Mika tries to prove that recent killings are the work of a ninja clan. The theory is laughed at by other Interpol members, but when Mika gets too close to the clan, they decide to take her out which prompts Raizo to become her protector.

I really enjoyed this film and if you're into the old 1980s Golan Globus ninja movies, this is just an updated version of ninja action with very cool special effects.

I Sell the Dead (2008)

Grave robber Arthur is in jail awaiting his execution and tells Father Duffy the story of how he got into the profession. Arthur was trained by Willie, who has just been led to the gallows. The story is told in flashbacks starting when Arthur was a little kid and going through the adventures he had while working with Willie and going up against other grave robbers, most notably the dangerous Murphy gang. The film also features a small role by Angus Scrimm.

The movie isn't a laugh out loud comedy, but there are some amusing moments. Overall an interesting watch, although I did start to drift near the end.

Speed Racer (2008)

After his older brother Rex Racer dies in a car crash, Speed Racer starts driving for the family business. After gaining attention in the racing world, he is approached by rivals Royalton Industries who suggest that the Racers sell out to Royalton and Speed can drive for them. When Speed refuses, Royalton sends his drivers after Speed in the next race.

The movie is bright and colorful, but that can't cover up for the boredom factor. It takes more than colors that pop to make a good movie. And John Goodman looks like he's right out of Super Mario Brothers which is really distracting.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

When Chun-Li was a little girl, her father was kidnapped by the evil Bison. Now an adult, Chun-Li sets out to find her father by living on the streets with no money - seriously she's had a privileged upbringing but she leaves home without any money, lives on the streets and begs for food? She finds Gen who teaches her how to be an incredible martial artist and she sets off to rescue her father.

For an action film, it's pretty boring with the best parts being Chris Klein's over the top awkward delivery of every line he utters.

2012 Doomsday (2008)

Heavy handed religious movie based on the Mayans prediction that the world will end in 2012. Four strangers are compelled to go to the ruins of Chichen Itza on the eve of the end of the world. A woman missionary is called by her Dad who tells her to fly home to Ohio but never gives her any reason, such as the west coast is going to fall into the ocean due to a massive earthquake. That might be good to know because if my Dad calls me to randomly tell me to fly home, I'm not going to just up and leave my entire life behind.

I was not aware that this was a movie with a religious agenda so I was surprised when I was sledge hammered with Christianity. The cgi is not very realistic whether it's rain, snow, or hail. From inside the jeep, you can see there is no hail outside the jeeps rear window and there is no hail on the road.

My absolute favorite part of this movie was when Frank and Trish were sitting in the middle of the jungle, the camera pans away and you can clearly see the dolly tracks in the bottom of the shot! Oh my god, how could no one notice that?!?!

Hellbound (1994)

Chuck Norris fights Satan? Who knew? In this buddy cop movie, Chuck plays Detective Shatter, who dresses like Don Johnson in Miami Vice. Shatter, along with his partner Jackson, is assigned to bring the body of a murder victim back to Israel where the two decide to do an unauthorized investigation into the man's death. They find that it all leads back to Professor Lockley, an archaeologist.

Through flashbacks we are shown that Lockley is actually Prosatanos who was imprisoned during the Crusades and unleashed by tomb robbers in the 1950s. Lockleys power is in a scepter and the pieces were sent to nine different important religious leaders, all of whom Lockley intends to kill. Once he has the scepter, he will sacrifice someone in a royal family and the end of the world will begin.

This is a ridiculous premise and Chuck Norris is just the man to make it even more ridiculous. The buddy cops, the keyboard music, the silly remarks that are passed off as humor - it all combines to make a funny and sometimes boring action flick which ends with a fight between Chuck and Satan. Oh and Lockley has goat eyes so watch out for them because it's creepy.

Wilderness (2006)

Juvenile delinquents are sent to an island to rough it after their taunting causes another inmate to commit suicide. The island is supposed to be uninhabited but they run across a drifter living in ruins of a castle, a girls youth group, and someone with a crossbow and a pack of dogs who starts to pick off the teens one by one.

Once the group figures out someone is out to kill them, they spend the rest of the movie trying to get to the beach to find a boat to get off the island. Most of the characters are unlikable and you won't care when they die. The biggest problem with the movie is that it is impossible to believe that someone in special forces would fall for a ruse like the one offered at the end. Also for people who pretend they died on the island, where are they going to get new identities?

Lost Things (2003)

Four teenagers head off to the beach for a weekend of camping, surfing, and partying. Shortly after setting up camp in an isolated area, the group runs into a creepy menacing guy who wants to know why they are there and tells them they should leave because people died here. Good enough for me, but not for this group who decides to stay. Seriously, if I'm in the middle of nowhere and a creepy guy indirectly threatens me with death, I'm gone.

Members of the group disappear, a search ensues without luck, then they reappear and don't know why everyone is upset. They will stare at the ocean from afar and not answer their friends. Weird things are afoot, but the undercurrent of what is going on is apparent fairly early on in the movie. Even after figuring it out, it's still weird and unsettling. Also the two boys looked a lot a like which got a bit confusing sometimes.

Wild Country (2005)

A church youth group goes on a camping trip, finds a baby and is chased by werewolves. The group is dropped off on the Moors at night by their sleazy youth priest who hands them a map with instructions on where to meet in the morning. The group camps next to an old castle, where Kelly thinks she hears a baby crying. Exploration leads to the discovery of a baby amidst the body parts of other travelers. So Kelly absconds with the baby.

Shortly afterwards werewolves start chasing the kids and they can't figure out why - how about that little baby you just picked up?

The film was made in Scotland and the accents take a little bit getting used to before you can understand everything they're saying. The werewolves look like big puppety things worn by people, which I applaud as I much prefer this over bad cgi. But it's a dangerous thing to do when your werewolf is going out in the daytime... which they usually don't do.

Knock Knock (2007)

A group of high school football players and their cheerleader girlfriends find themselves being killed by someone who knocks on their doors before dispatching them. Well, at least the first kill is like that. Most of the killings are done without any door knocking involved. Also is it just me or do people keep answering the door when there is a knock and no one is there? I might do it twice but then I'm done and am not going to open my door again. So I guess that would keep me from getting killed.

The high school students look way too old to be in high school. One of the girls grandfather is an ex-detective that teams up with a young female detective to solve the crimes. There is a subplot about him trying to get to know his granddaughter and her snubbing him until she needs his help to avoid being a victim of the killer.

There is a flashback which explains the reason for the killing which is another ridiculous bully scene with an unfunny prank going horribly wrong.

The Legend of Bloody Mary (2008)

Ryan is having nightmares about his sister who disappeared years ago after playing the Bloody Mary game. He enlists the help of a priest, who is also an archaeologist currently working on a Puritan dig site, to try to figure out what is going on. There are flashbacks to Ryan's childhood as well as flashbacks to the 1700s when Mary Worth, of Bloody Mary fame, was murdered by Puritans for being pregnant out of wedlock, possibly with Satan's child.

The game consists of writing your own name or friends names on a mirror and then chanting "I believe in Mary Worth." After numerous chants, Bloody Mary will then explode through the mirror and horribly kill you. Yay, what a fun game!

Almost a third of the movie is told via flashback. The cgi is horrible and the acting is terrible, especially the snotty girl. Young Ryan looks nothing like the older version and every time I heard the name Mary Worth it reminded me of the old lady in the comic strip so it wasn't that scary.

30 Days of Night (2007)

An Alaskan town is on the eve of thirty days without sun. Those who decided to stay in town or who missed the last plane out are unaware that a herd of vampires are about to descend upon them. The vampires speak in an unknown language and tend to make an annoying hissing sound.

I like the concept of a town with no sun being a perfect spot for a vampire attack, but the survivors do stupid things. I'm still not sure why they thought holing up in the store would be a good idea since there was no place to hide. Or why the vampires didn't try following any of the footprints in the snow.

After watching so many horrible low budget films, this was a welcome relief. I enjoyed a lot of it, but it still wasn't a great film. They did a decent job of building the tension, but it's tough to root for people who do stupid things. Plus the ending was incredibly lame and made the movie less enjoyable.

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

After a zombie washes up on shore, the island of Port Gamble is overrun with zombies. The news is blaming the problem on a virus let loose by terrorists so some of the townsfolk blame Frida whose father is from Iraq. As people try to survive the zombie attacks, Tom and Lance, who came to the island to come out to Tom's mother, manage to find refuge in a church where Lance's tshirt trumpets their sexual orientation. This leads to the mayor wanting to lock them outside while the priest decides to convert them via a 1950s conversion room in the church basement.

I was amused by the family in the basement whose mom has been bitten by a zombie. The son keeps telling the Dad that they need to do something because she's going to turn into one of them, but the Dad is only into vampire movies and keeps discounting what his son says.

I did not expect much from this movie as I've not thought too much of the other After Dark movies that I've seen, but this turned out to be better than expected. That being said, it had a couple of laughs and was an okay way to spend an hour and a half, but in no way should be compared to Shaun of the Dead.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2002)

Starting right where Cabin Fever ends, the contaminated water is being used by a bottled water plant and the local high school has just gotten a fresh shipment on prom night - dun dun dah! There is a bit of plot revolving around John, who is in love with long time friend Cassie, a sweet girl who is inexplicably dating the school asshole who bullies John. With a gym full of teens ripe for the virus, the movie is much gooier than the first. Also there are some gross out scenes which are just disgusting and you won't even want to see them. I suppose if they were looking for shock value, they succeeded, but the scenes are unnecessary. And once again, the new theme of fat guys having sexual encounters with hot girls comes into play again. What's up with that?

Fear of the Dark (2002)

Ryan is a young boy with a crippling fear of the dark due to an experience he had when he was younger. His family lives around this fear with his older brother Dale being frustrated at the toll it takes on the family.

Shortly after their parents go out for the night, a storm knocks out the power leaving Dale and Ryan at the mercy of the dark things in the house.

The movie makes effective use of childhood fears and is based on atmosphere rather than special effects. When I was a kid I was afraid to have my hands or feet hang off the edge of the bed. The movie makes good use of this as well as the premise that if you hide completely under the blankets the monsters can't get you.

I believe it's PG-13. It's a decent flick and fairly well done, but those expecting lots of scares will be disappointed.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

As with other movies based on video games, you know there isn't going to be much of a plot or character development. Competitors head to a martial arts competition on an island where they must fight to the death. If you've played the video game, then you've essentially seen the movie. It's lots of fight scenes with little bits of dialogue between.

I saw this movie at the drive in when it first came out. In the scene where Goro has Johnny Cage trapped on the cliff with no way down, the film suddenly cut to Johnny alone looking relieved. What the...?! Now after being forced to watch it again, I can now rest secure in the knowledge that the drive in messed up changing the reels rather than the filmmaker had no idea how to get out of that scene.

Ghost Game (2004)

A group of college students rent a cabin which turns out to be on an island where thirty years earlier some witches died in an occult ritual. After arriving on the island, the group decides to play a game that has a huge note in it which literally says, "do not play this game." Of course they do not heed the warning and bring forth the evil on the island and the killings commence.

In the opening scene, the witches paddle a canoe. Then it cuts to shot that says "30 years later". Huh? Nothing happened!

As the present day story progresses, the story of the witches is told via flashbacks that are intermittently inserted into the film. My guess is that the flashbacks are supposed to look like old film as it's off color and of questionable quality, but it just ends up looking bad.

As for the game, how do they even know the box has a game in it? It is an unmarked metal box that looks like it might be a tool box or a box you'd use to store letters or keepsakes. Yet as soon as they see it, they cry out, "let's play this game!" It just doesn't make any sense. If I saw this box on a shelf full of games, I would push it aside - which is the same thing you should do if you're thinking about renting this.

Cabin Fever (2002)

A group of college students head to a cabin in the woods to spend a week in celebration of their graduation. The kids meet up with some strange town folks, including Dennis, a young boy who bites anyone who gets near him.

One of the guys, Bert, goes out to shoot squirrels and accidentally shoots a sick guy who is hiding in the woods. But the glancing gunshot is the least of his worries as his flesh appears to be bubbling.

Later that night, the guy shows up at their cabin looking for help. Some of the group wants to let him in, while the others slam the door shut due to their fear that what he has is contagious. At this point the man gets in their truck which causes the group to try to convince the guy to leave them alone by using bats, rifles, and a flaming torch. Needless to say it ends very badly when the man catches on fire and runs off into the woods. Here he falls into the pond which is where the cabin gets it's water supply. Oh snap!

The first sign of sickness among their group causes them to turn on each other. At that point it comes down to survival and getting help. Bad decisions are made, friendships are terminated, and there is an ending right of of Night of the Living Dead. There is also Dennis inexplicably screaming "pancakes" and going into martial arts moves.

Thankskilling (2009)

Five college students, who are all sterotypes, head home for Thanksgiving and end up camping by the side of the road when their jeep breaks down. Their camp site is near the spot where a Native American placed a curse on the descendants of those who persecuted them, or anyone else who happens to be nearby and white. When a dog pees on a tiny newly painted totem pole, the ancient curse is unleashed with a killer turkey back from the dead.

The movie is in the realm of a Troma movie with bad one liners and amateur acting and writing. The turkey puppet looks exactly like it does on the cover, so you can tell what you're getting. I would not want to sit through it again, but I have to give them credit as I don't know of any other horror movie about Thanksgiving.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean (2004)

Sven, a helicopter pilot, is upset to find that there is a giant shark on the attack and it is the same shark that ate his wife. Sven wants the beaches closed, but there is a big party and jet ski race planned and oh my god, his daughter is in the race!

The movie is alternately hysterically funny and boring. There is bad dubbing, ridiculous dialogue, and weird pronunciations of megalodon.

The funniest scene is when Sven races along the beach asking everyone to get out of the water by saying, "Shark alarm... shark alarm." But his inflection never varies and it sounds like he's making conversation instead of warning of a 100 foot shark about to kill everyone.

Also up there in the ridiculous is the scene of the German tourists who go into shark cage and are then dragged along the ocean floor while the boat is running because the boats owner doesn't want them to lose interest in the sharks. What? So dragging them across the ocean floor in a shark cage while they bump off the top and bottom of the cage, lose their mouthpieces/oxygen, cut their finger open and get attacked by a shark is going to keep them interested? How about keeping them safe instead!

Beast Within (2008)

aka Virus Undead

After his uncles death, Robert and two friends head to his uncle's mansion to settle the estate. The town sheriff is unfriendly, the local thug holds a grudge toward Robert, and Robert's ex-girlfriend is still upset with him for suddenly leaving town years ago without an explanation. However Robert's friend is able to convince her and another girl to come to the mansion that night for a party.

As the boys drive to the house, they see lots of dead birds by the side of the road. Robert's uncle was studying bird flu and once at the house they find a laboratory in the basement. This comes in handy later when the zombies start to attack. There is no explanation as to why all the zombies have come to this remote mansion location. There is also no explanation for how the group figures out it is a bird virus that is making everyone turn into zombies. I know they're medical students, but come on.

The group stays in the living room, which seems crazy since it has glass doors and tons of windows. Why not find a safer room in which to make a stand? Also one girl ends up jumping out the window and making a stand on her own on the front lawn. Why? It makes no sense. Plus as soon as she's out, the other two characters lock the window and roll down a window covering that looks like those metal safety doors you see over businesses. If they had that option to cover the windows, why didn't they do that before the zombies smashed the windows? And does the front door not lock? Zombies keep pushing it open. Good god.....

Razortooth (2007)

Four college students head to the Everglades for an internship with a professor they've never met before. The professor is studying eels, but does not tell the students he has created a mutant giant eel which is on the loose and must be contained.

After this set up, we get escaped convicts, canoe club kids, townsfolk at the diner, a crowd in the local trailer park, and five million other characters we will never know anything about other than they just might end up being eaten by an eel.

The local animal control officer and the incompetent sheriff, who happens to be his ex-wife, start looking into strange happenings in the town. Why lookee here, the local diner has been trashed, the workers killed and partially eaten, and there's a lot of slime all over the place. What could have done such a thing?! A giant eel perhaps? No, not according to the sheriff who thinks it's those darn escaped prisoners.

The cgi eels, for there are more than one, are not just in the water, but also in the trees where they circle down the trunk and spring on our unsuspecting victims. They also are not a constant size as they go through sewer lines and come up through a shower drain. There is also a scene where someone wrestles an eel which is the width of a dryer pipe, when previously it looked to have the circumference of a 200 year old tree.

This movie also features a prime example of a character carrying around a totally random item which ends up being the exact means to kill the dreaded menace to society.

Polymorph (1996)

An alien crash lands on Earth, looks kind of like a crumpled green glow stick, and can take over peoples bodies which it uses to kill anyone around. A professor has gone to the woods to study what he believes is a meteorite, but is quickly dispatched by a lady drug dealer who is then possessed by the alien.

Two college students doing an internship with the professor bring a couple of girls along with when they go to meet up with him in the woods. They can't find him - because he's already dead - and run into a group of drug dealers who have come to meet the original lady drug dealer who is possessed.

The film is slow moving and has a super clean look like it was done on VHS. The special effects are very low budget and there's not much polymorphing going on. It's a J.R. Bookwalter film.

Half Past Dead 2 (2007)

There is a gang war brewing between the Hispanic and African American gangs at the prison. Burke, played by wrestler Bill Goldberg, likes to keep to himself and so does Twitch, who is only biding his time until he can break out of prison and find a large cache of gold hidden by one of the characters in the first film.

One of the gangs kills the leader of the other gang and frames Burke for the killing which starts a gang war that happens right when Twitch's girlfriend and Burke's daughter are in the prison. Oh no, hostages for the gang members!

Oddly enough this movie does not have much action in it. I'm not sure who this movie was made for since it is lacking in plot, action, and nudity - and you've got to have at least one of those to sell this type of film.

There are so many plot holes, it'll take double digits to count them all. But the ones that bother me the most are the following:

1. The lock down doesn't lock all the doors, only the ones convenient for the plot points.
2. Burke is in the kitchen serving food when the killing is framed on him, yet his daughter has not managed to leave the prison yet.
3. Having never personally been inside a prison, do visitors really have to go through the prisoners corridors to get to the visitor's room and conjugal visit area?
4. There are no cameras in the guards control rooms, which is a shame since the prisoners can override any lockdown by flipping the switches here. Also it makes it easy to pin the killing of the two dead guards on Burke and Twitch.

28 Weeks Later

Now that the infected have died from starvation, the army has cleaned up and cordoned off part of London which they are letting people live in. Don, who abandoned his wife to the zombies when they attacked, has been waiting for his children to come back as they were away when the outbreak hit.

The kids sneak out of the containment zone to go to their old home and get a photo of their mom so they won't forget her. In the process they discover that their mother has somehow survived and is hiding in the attic. The military decides to bring everyone back inside the safe zone in order to discover how she survived the zombie attack, believing there is something in her blood that may be useful in developing a vaccine.

After enjoying 28 Days Later, I figured this would be the next movie I watched, but it did not live up to the first one. After the virus is unleashed again, the events that transpire are predictable. There is some tension when the infected attack, but it is very easy to see where the movie is headed and who is going to be the next victim. The main zombie was freaking me out, but the tension can't build when you know what is going to happen next.

Also there were some really stupid actions on the part of the characters and some things that are bugging me.

1. The kids decide to go into the zombie containment zone. Yes, I know it's supposed to be free from the virus, but seriously? You don't know what is out there and more importantly, it's outside the safe zone.
2. The kids are easily able to sneak past the guards, which doesn't make it all that safe. Plus the sniper on top of the building notifies security that two kids have sneaked outside, but the military takes it's sweet time tracking them down. Wouldn't that be a priority?
3. They leave the mother unattended once they bring her back to the lab. Even though she survived, she could have a mutated form of the virus or be a carrier, so wouldn't you want to make sure no one wandered in there?
4. If my husband had left me to be eaten by zombies, I would not want to talk to him ever again, let alone kiss him.
5. When they discover that an infected is in the building, they herd all civilians into a parking garage, which means if one gets infected, they'll all get infected and the virus will be harder to contain.
6. When Andy and his sister fall down the escalator in the dark, how did he end up in a different area of the subway?

Too many other questions, but I'll stop there. That being said, this was more of a true horror movie than the first one. Also it was scarier, but the first was a much better film.

Black Dynamite (2009)

When Black Dynamite's younger brother is killed by the mob, BD sets out to clean up the streets. You can feel the influence of Dolemite, Jim Brown, and Jim Kelly all over this flick.

While the movie is a dead on satire of 1970s blaxploitation films, it is so accurate that sometimes you'll feel like you're watching a bad 1970s movie. Sometimes I was laughing out loud, while other times I was going into a stupor because it was so spot on. I did enoy the boom mics dipping into the shot, the awkward line reads, and the really funny scene where Black Dynamite screams at a kid who wants to grow up to be just like him.

Whoever did the soundtrack did a great job and must be really familiar with this type of movie. They nailed the mood and song structure. I also loved the cartoon closing credits.

28 Days Later (2002)

After animal rights activists break into a laboratory to free the animals, they are infected by a monkey with the rage virus. The virus quickly spreads through England turning people into zombies, aka the Infected, and desimating the population.

28 days later, Jim wakes from a coma in a London hospital to find the building and the city deserted. Being unaware of what has taken place, Jim roams the streets desperate to find human contact. After escaping from the Infected, Jim learns what has happened from two other survivors.

Eventually Jim and three others pick up an automated radio signal from the military and decides to head toward their destination in the hope that someone else is still alive. But the results of their quest are not what they had hoped for and they soon discover there are things even worse than fighting off the Infected.

The film was not what I expected. I had heard how scary it was, but instead found it more filled with tension than horror, (although I suppose the two can overlap). The idea of fighting to get to safety and then finding out that what you've sought out is worse than what you had before is very disturbing.

Carny (2009)

Lou Diamond Phillips is the sheriff in a small town being visited by a traveling carnival. The local preacher believes the carnival must be stopped, but Phillips tours the grounds with the head carney and declares things in order.

Everything would have been fine except for the freak show which included the living legend, the Jersey Devil, that the carny's bought on the sly to deliver to a private collector for lots of cash. If only the nasty teenaged preacher's son hadn't thrown his popcorn at the Devil, it wouldn't have gotten out of it's chains and gone on a killing spree in town.

This is an okay movie but nothing special. Sometimes it is amusing when the Devil's size is not consistent throughout the movie.

Rot: Reunion of Terror (2008)

First I should mention that the girl on the cover is not in the film, so anyone considering renting it for that reason should skip it. In fact, the best idea would be to skip it all together unless you want to see the weakest conclusion ever.

Another in the list of obnoxious characters you don't like and want dead style of movie making that is so popular these days. A group of high school friends is invited to an informal reunion at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Their host never shows up and the group spends their time trading quips and being idiots.

Only one of them remembers how to get back to the main road and as people start disappearing, they break off into little groups to wander the woods looking for the missing friends.

The explanation for the killings and the killer's revenge on the last surviving member of the group is one of the lamest I've ever seen. Seriously? That's how you're going to punish him? It may not even work. Sure it would cause fear and anxiety, but even if it did work it could take years and years to even cause you problems.

Also of note is the opening which features someone flipping through a yearbook and cutting out pictures of our main characters. The yearbook photos all look the same except for the ones of our cast. They don't have the same background and they are closer to the camera. In fact, the photos appear to be head shots. Good grief! Plus this is another movie with an attractive girl hooking up with an overweight guy she just met.

Dead Tone (2007)

aka 7eventy 5ive

Ten years before the movie takes place, a group of friends are having a sleep over while all their parents party in the next room. An odd occurrence to be sure, but it makes it so much more convenient for the killer that the kids prank called. After all, he might have to make an effort to make the kids orphans if the adults weren't all in one room.

Back to the present, some of the kids are in college and making the same type of prank calls - keep the random person you've dialed on the phone for seventy five seconds and make them believe whatever outrageous story you've concocted. A pretty lame game to begin with, but even worse when it was the catalyst for the death of your parents.

The group ends up at a huge party at a mansion in the middle of nowhere where they play the game again. Oh imagine that, they've called another killer. Will he show up at the door in the middle of nowhere? Of course he will due to the incredibly stupid party goers who give the address out to the psycho who's been repeatedly calling for the past five hours.

As seems to be the trend in recent horror movies, the main characters are obnoxious jerks that you won't care about and their death will bring relief from their stupid mutterings. Also what is up with movies paring an attractive girl with the dumpy awkward guy? It's showing up in more and more movies.

Oh almost forgot, Rutger Hauer shows up once in awhile as a detective whose been working on the cold case of tracking down the killer from ten years ago.

Terror Train (1980)

After a fraternity prank gone wrong, one of the pledges ends up in an insane aslyum. Three years later, the fraternity charters a train for a graduation costume party. But as the students board the train, one of their friends is killed and an unknown person gets on the train wearing his costume.

When the killings start, Alana realizes that everyone who is dying had a hand in the prank. The conductor who found more than one dead body does a search of the train and tries to keep the students together so no one will be harmed. But you know how that goes. There is always someone who wanders off and figures by hiding alone in a deserted area they will be safer than remaining with the others.

Typical 80s slasher with Jaime Lee Curtis, but the train setting means that no one can escape. Also David Copperfield does card tricks accompanied by dance music. It would have been better if he was also on roller skates.

The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Peter buys an old house to turn into a bed and breakfast. When his girlfriend Darcy and her daughter Pamela arrive for the weekend, Pamela meets a little girl who tells her the legend of the tooth fairy. Years ago the house was home to a witch who would kill children after taking their last baby tooth. Coincidentally Pamela has one baby tooth which is quickly knocked out in a fall.

For some reason that is not explained - perhaps that her home has been renovated? - the tooth fairy starts killing guests at the house and even some of the locals.

The strangest thing about this movie is that Darcy and Pamela do not seem to think it's important to tell anyone of the violent attacks on their person. First Darcy is attacked and almost raped at a gas station. When she arrives at Peter's she doesn't mention it at all until he asks about her broken window. How could it not be the first thing she said? Why didn't she call the cops?

Second, when Pamela is riding her bike through the woods and a hooded figure jumps out of the woods and knocks her off her bike, she never says a word to her Mom. Are you serious? You were just attacked by a freak in the woods and you tell her you fell off your bike?

Dawn of the Mummy (1981)

Fashion models head to Egypt for a photo shoot in the desert and run into tomb robbers at a newly discovered burial site. Even though the robbers shoot at them, the models approach and ignore the robbers request not to enter the newly blasted hole leading to the tomb. The photographer insists on shooting near the sarcophagus and sets up all his lights and equipment.

The tomb is cursed and soon the mummy rises to seek his revenge. He brings with him a team of mummy-zombies who tear into the town during a wedding ceremony.

The acting and dubbing aren't great, but they look fantastic compared to the hideous blond wig worn by the lead robber, Rick. Also when the local crazy old lady yells to the mummy it sounds like she is calling him surferman. The whole thing was really bad, but it was fun to watch with other people because everyone was laughing at it.

Recon 2022: Mezzo Incident (2007)

Anytime a film starts with the caption, "ten years earlier", you know you're in trouble. The weird thing about this is that I never saw it say it was back in the present. Did I blink and miss it? I don't know. I didn't see any difference from ten years earlier to the rest of the film.

The story involves a group of soldiers that go to an ice planet to search for alien species the Mahar. When the group does stumble across them, they engage in a gun battle in which neither side hits anything. They all stand out in the open firing shot after shot, and yet no one dies. It's pathetic.

A huge part of the film is made up of people walking. They walk on the ice and in the underground tunnels. It would be better to have more action since the walking isn't for any sort of character development. Also the acting is atrocious and the characters are not likable.

My favorite part of the movie was when the ice worm with the mullet came crashing up through the ice and chomped into one of the soldiers, The group looks around, swings their guns into position and one of the soldiers cries out, "It's under the ice!" Yes, nicely done, master of the obvious.

Dreamscape (1984)

Alex, a young genius who is telekinetic, is recruited by Dr. Novotny to participate in his experimental process of entering the dreams of others. Dr. Novotny believes that this can be used as a psychological tool to help people overcome their nightmares. Once in the dream, the psychic can observe what is happening or can interact and change the outcome of the dream.

There are several psychics involved in these dangerous experiments. One of the psychics goes insane while in an other's dream. Also there is talk that one must be careful while projecting into someones mind as it is possible to kill them in their dream.

The star psychic in the study seems to be involved in under handed things and is threatened by Alex's ability to help cure others of their nightmares. When the President of the United States comes to the clinic, Alex and the other psychic must face off as they are both looking for a different outcome to the nightmares.

Murder Party (2007)

On Halloween night, Chris finds an invitation to a murder party on the street. Rather than spend the night alone watching movies, he decides to go to the party.

The party is in a seedy warehouse on the bad side of town. When Chris arrives with his pumpkin bread, he finds that the party is really an art project where pretentious artists are going to kill him and compete for a grant from a rich benefactor.

The premise of the film is interesting and the set up goes well. But once Chris is tied to a chair, the film degenerates into a tediously long conversation between the annoying, pretentious artists. There are a few more interesting spots along the way, but it never reaches the potential of the plot.

There were three things that made me laugh.

1. The line about how anyone stupid enough to come to a murder party deserves to be murdered.
2. After eating the pumpkin bread, Sky falls to the ground because she's allergic to non-organic raisins, and ends up with a huge bloody gushing hole in her head.
3. Chris's pathetic attempt to escape from the closet in which he dumps a pile of junk in front of the murderous group, dodges left, dodges right, and then runs away.

Jennifers Body (2009)

Needy and Jennifer are best friends. Needy is a shy dorky girl with a steady boyfriend and Jennifer is the hot bitchy cheerleader that sleeps with any guy she wants. When the two go to a local club to see the band Low Shoulder, a fire erupts during the bands first song and most of the concert goers die.

Jennifer and Needy escape and the band asks Jennifer to go somewhere with them in their van. Needy begs her not to go, but Jennifer is interested in the lead singer. Bad move since the band is looking for a virgin sacrifice which will please the dark powers and enable them to become rock stars.

The only problem is Jennifer lied about being a virgin and ends up becoming a succubus that must consume living flesh, which she gets by killing the boys who want to sleep with her. Needy is the only one who notices a change in Jennifer and sets out to try to stop her.

Billed as a horror comedy, it falls short on the comedy. Overall, it was okay, but not great. Although I did get a laugh out of the band breaking into Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 (Jenny).

Triangle (2009)

Jess joins her friend Greg and his friends for a day trip on his yacht. When a storm arises from nowhere, the boat capsizes and the group is left sitting on the upside down vessel waiting to be rescued.

After a few hours, the group are able to board a passing ocean liner named the SS Aeolus, that appears to be deserted. As the group hears sounds on board but can find no one, the tension builds and soon a masked killer starts firing at them.

At first this movie seems to be about a boating accident in the Bermuda Triangle, but it ends up being a huge never ending loop of occurrences that are shown from different viewpoints. You start to understand what's really going on, but then it just keeps going and you'll find things that make you question the holes in the plot.

When we got done watching this, I thought, "what a total mindfuck." Though it was billed as horror, it's more of a thriller. On a side note, after this we considered watching Chuck Norris in the Octagon, but had had enough of movies based on geometric shapes.

American Ninja 5 (1993)

Good god, this is awful. From the title, I expected another sequel in the American Ninja series, but I was sadly mistaken. Instead of a martial arts flick, what we have is a family film with bad comedy overtones. David Bradly doesn't even play the same character, although technically he is American and he is a ninja.

The story line revolves around ninja Joe, who is entrusted with the care of his friend's 12 year old ward, Hiro, a wise cracking orphan. They stow away on a plane heading to South American in an attempt to rescue Joe's girlfriend Lisa who has been kidnapped.

Lisa's dad is a scientist who is working on a chemical that will kill living creatures but leave everything else intact. Sadly he does not realize that he is working for an evil man who plans to use this knowledge to take over the world. Why doesn't anyone ever consider that if someone is going to fund this type of project, it may not be used for peaceful purposes?

Glock, the evil guy, has an army of ninjas and a super ninja named Viper who dresses in a red satiny cape. In order to combat this army, Joe teaches Hiro ninjitsu. Hiro must be a natural because within a day or two he is competently beating any ninja that comes his way.

The dialogue in the film is more suited to a poorly written children's movie than an action movie. The music is something out of a happy fun time comedy, which is really inappropriate in chase scenes. So if you're looking for a kid's movie, then perhaps this is for you. Otherwise if you're thinking this is another American Ninja movie, you'll be sadly mistaken and rue the day you wasted your time.