The Being (1983)

Pottsville is a sleepy little town where nothing ever happens, unless you count the campaign to stamp out smt and the recent rash of random killings. Pottsville also boasts the "most sophisticated dump site in the country," which is something to be proud of, I guess, except that it apparently spawned the gooey icky monster that is killing everyone.

The town sheriff is constantly underwhelmed by the horrible events confronting the town, especially when he is face to face with large piles of goo. Even when the victim is his girlfriend...or wife or hooker. It's never clear what his relationship is to the human sized pile of gelatin in the bed, but since he was starting to take his pants off, he had some sort of intimate relationship with it. To add to the confusion, the sheriff is dating the girl at the local diner, which may be why he doesn't care that much about the monster made mess in his bed.

The town's mayor is involved in the cover up at the dump and is reminiscent of the mayor in Jaws who continues to deny any responsibility or possibility of a problem because it will cost the town lots of money. Once again, a mayor's concern about potential business earnings overrides the need for public safety and the sophisticated dumps place as a monster breeding ground is secure.

Scenes to watch for are: the opening scene with the kid running through the junkyard where day turns to night and back again; the junkyard kid crashing a car trying to escape the monster only to find the monster has somehow hidden in the trunk?!?;and the monster jumping on Martin Landau's back (now that's good movie making!)

Also listen for the music which sounds like someone has let a monster loose on the piano.

Chillers (1987)

Chillers is the story of five strangers stuck in a bus terminal late at night telling each other about their recent nightmares. Most of the actors are not very good and the stories all have fairly predictable outcomes. In fact, we had all seen this movie before, but none of us could remember any of the individual story lines. We didn't even remember the kid whose catchphrase was, "That's not scary." How could that not lodge in your head?

The stranded passengers nightmares are as follows:

1. female swimmer who has sex with dreamy diver who turns out to be dead
   
2. boy on camping trip whose scout leader is wolfy and crazy
   
3. woman in love with newsman on her tv who turns out to be vampire
   
4. guy who can bring the dead back to life with his thoughts accidentally revives psycho killer
   
5. college professor with interest in a local dig is targeted by evil deity in student who visited dig site
   

The concept about the guy who can bring the dead back to life is the most interesting. But there are far too many unanswered questions, among them why does everyone come back looking perfectly healthy and clean in their funeral suit? Also when you call the parents of a dead child to say that you've brought the kid back to life, why wouldn't they immediately hang up the phone? And the parent's actually drive into town to pick up their recently un-deceased kid, and don't seem creeped out by this at all. Yikes!

By far the worst story is the woman who is in love with the local tv newsman. As she stares longingly at the tv, she starts a monologue that begins, "You don't bring me flowers..." which made me think she quoting from the Neil Diamond song of the same name. Thankfully that was not the case, instead she chooses to be even crazier by stating that even though he never thinks about her, she's happy to see him every night on the tv. Then she scares the hell out of every sane viewer by saying one of the stupidest lines ever said with total sincerity, "I love you, newsman!"

The one problem with Hollywood's tendency to cast unnaturally good looking actors, is that when you see people on the screen who look like your next door neighbor, it's unnerving.

Also of note - the guy who can bring people back to life is one of the lead actors in Invasion of the Space Preachers.

The Dark (1979)

The city streets aren't safe after dark, especially when there's a killer with the nickname "The Mangler" on the loose. Mangler has been killing young women, but the blind man that is tip tapping along the dark streets every night better be careful. Look out man! Mangler's on the loose!...unless this is a very clever ruse and the blind man is the Mangler. Hmmmm....

Well that's just a bit too clever I guess, as the writers veer off into the wildly imaginative plot that The Mangler is really a space monster with laser eyes who sort of resembles Frankenstein. His laser eyes can even throw a man across a Monestery into a wall, which leads to the man exploding, woah! Sounds fantastic, but they only do it once.

William Devane plays a father searching for the serial killer that murdered his daughter, and looks like a cross between Steven King and Alice Cooper. With his David Cassidy shag, he feels comfortable walking around drinking coffee while wearing the world's ugliest bathrobe.

I love the dvd cover but the movie lacks excitement. And what's up with the blind guy? He's always tip tapping around the police out on the street during their investigations. Does he have some strange knack for walking near crime scenes? Or is he just completely lost, aimlessly wandering around town trying to figure out where the hell he is?

And what about the ending narration which states that "only the blind have nothing to fear in the dark." Huh? Is this to justify putting a blind guy in the film? Oh my aching brain!

Best dialogue:

"I could make a wild guess, but it would be wild and useless."

"Of the millions of possible alien encounters, man has had his first..."

"Mangler's a zombie.... Mangler's a zombie..." - newsboy on street

Drive Thru (2007)

Orange County's rich teens sure love their gangsta clothes, pool parties, and haunted houses for yearbook fund raising. They also love fast food restaurant Hellaburger, with it's creepy Horny the Clown mascot.

McKenzie and boyfriend Fisher accidentally use a ouija board at the end of their rocking pool party, and unleash a force that keeps leaving clues to let McKenzie know who is going to die next. Unfortunately the clues are so obscure that they aren't at all useful and McKenzie essentially spins in circles with a bag over her head, metaphorically speaking of course.

The first clue was the license plate number of her friends, who left the party early to get food at Hellaburger. It seems like a rich girl such as McKenzie should have better food than Horny the Clown, but I guess since these friends were the ghetto white rappers of Orange County, they needed to get their fast food fix.

Once McKenzie figures out that the kids who are dying all have a connection to her Mom's old high school friends, Mom is forced to reveal her horrible secret, and we're forced to admit that this is way too much into Nightmare on Elm Street territory to be a coincedence.

Killer Clowns are inherently spooky, and a drive thru clown with his big head and large metal plated mouth is just plain creepy. But the writing is so horrible that it is completely distracting and overwhelms anything you might be able to say that would be positive. Only those who want to see evil clowns or dont' care about the quality of their slasher flicks should watch this one.

Lastly I must comment about the darkroom scenes. McKenzie is horrified as she hangs up her 8x10 glossy prints to dry. They show her friends at the time of their death. But in order to make her prints, she would have had to: look at the negatives; align and focus them in the enlarger; expose the photographic paper; put the paper in the developer to keep an eye on when to remove it and place it in the stop bath; then leave it in the fixer for at least a few minutes. Also it is customary to do a contact sheet from the negatives before this process to see which negatives are worth printing. So her darkroom experience is just ridiculous.

But not as ridiculous as the fact that her prints were black and white, the dark room only had b/w enlargers, yet at the police station, her photos are miraculously in color?!

Stephen King's Desperation (2006)

A small town Sheriff who is possessed by an ancient spirit named Tak begins hauling highway travelers to the local jail, if he doesn't kill them first.

David, son of Ralph aka Max Headroom, has taken up praying and sees a vision of his dead sister who hands him a lump of glowing kryptonite, which turns out to be green soap. David soaps himself up, slips through the bars, gets a gun to kill the dog the sheriff left in charge, and releases the rest of the jailed victims.

Once outside, the group loses it's grip on cranial functioning and hides in the old theater. Rather than running away or sending someone to get help, they hang out on the stage and talk, thus ensuring the death of a few more of the characters.

For such an all powerful deity, Tak's well is extremely lame, and as his disembodied voice uselessly yells for one of our heroes to go away, we are left wondering how he took over the Sheriff's body and killed everyone in the aptly named desert town, Desperation.

The credits list someone as "pie carver". Oddly enough I have no idea who that is as no one was addressed by that moniker and no one carved any pies.

Scream Baby Scream (1969)

This is a movie about artists and the evil that they do. Art students Jason and Janet are dating. Janet admires the bizarre paintings of local legend Mr. Butler, who paints pictures of disfigured people. Butler's creepy art along with his sauve manner leave Janet smitten.

Jason is insanely jealous, and hates Butler and his stupid paintings. Jason, Janet, and their friends take LSD for the first time and go on a motorcycle ride - real smart. They trip out, start seeing double, go to the zoo, and imagine they are in the monkey cage acting like monkeys.

There are purply faced monsters that kidnap people. The makeup looks pretty sketchy, and their presence is never explained. I suppose they could be the monsters that Butler paints, except they are normal looking guys with a little grease paint on their faces.

After Jason and Janet have a big fight, Janet goes missing. When Jason searches for her, he ends up at Butler's house and havoc ensues. The makeup on Janet is disturbing but incredibly unrealistic. It looks a lot like papiermache attached to her face.

The film is along the lines of the ultimate in killing for their art movie, Herschell Gordon Lewis's Color Me Blood Red. I'd recommend that movie over this one, but this does boast lines like, "Yesterday's nightmare is today's dream and tomorrow's reality." Huh?

Casual Fridays (2002)

If you're one of those people who likes to watch or tape unintentionally funny and stupid things you stumble upon while watching tv, then you'll love Casual Fridays. It's over an hour of clips from tv shows and infomercials that will make your head spin. You'll see clips of a dreadlocked Billy Idol from his Cyperpunk period, painful public access talent shows, talentless acting, badly written 80s tv shows, Gary Coleman in court, news errors, and much more.

The dvd is put out by TV Carnage and there are other volumes available as well.

Primeval (2007)

A news team is sent to Africa to film and capture a giant crocodile that is terrorizing the people of Burundi. They are teamed with a croc expert and Jacob Krieg, a man obsessed with tracking and killing the big croc. Jurgen Prochnow, who plays Krieg, kept reminding me of Quint from Jaws, due to his preoccupation with the killing the great beast.

Krieg has constructed a cage that will hold the twenty five foot long croc, who he calls Gustave. Or rather, Krieg thinks it will hold Gustave since there is no way to test a cage made to contain a giant crocodile.

Gustave's skin is too thick for tranquilizer darts, so they use a tracking device. They shoot it into Gustave when he's underwater and it magically attaches itself to him. As darts can't pierce his skin, it's a mystery as to how they got the tracker to stick.

You'd think a giant croc would cause lots of excitement, but it doesn't. The movie is tame and predictable, and only for people who love mutant nature gone wild.

Mercenary For Justice (2006)

Steven Seagal is a mercenary...for justice. Seagal plays John Seeger - which inevitably kept reminding me of Pete Seeger and Bob Seger. As is always the case, Seagal's Seeger is the best mercenary on planet earth, which is why a notorious gun-runner kidnaps his dead pal's wife and son. Seeger's pal died in his arms on their last mission, and Seeger promised he'd care for his pal's family. Just how the gun-runner knew that these two people were the bargaining chips that would force Seagal to break into a maximum security prison to rescue the gun-runner's son is anyone's guess.

Parts of the movie are hard to follow since characters appear and disappear, and many scenes don't make sense. But I guess that isn't much of a surprise since this is Seagal. Plus the director's name is Don E. Fauntleroy, which has to be an excuse for this somehow.

CIA agent Dresham and the weasel-y foreigner Chapel both have odd makeup that makes them look way too tan. But at least they don't look like Seagal whose hair is dyed pure black and appears to have the consistency of straw, even in his pronounced widows peak. I must admit I like his wardrobe, which consists mostly of black suits and bright solid colored ties.

This is the only movie in which I have heard someone referred to as a "poophole." Huh? The thug who attempts to rough up Seagal in the men's room utters this insult before attacking. Luckily for Seagal, he's not much of an opponent. But it is unfortunate for the urinals, for when Seagal throws the thug into the wall, the urinals swing side to side because they aren't bolted to the wall, only hung on it?! One urinal even falls to the floor revealing no pipes attached and no hole in the wall where the urinal previously was hanging!

Also there is a scene in which Seagal is in the back seat of a car one second and the next he's across the street and around the corner escaping in a truck. At first I thought it was a continuity problem, but then a character acknowledges Seagal's speed by stating "That man's a ghost!" No! No, he's not! The guy is a freakin' bear!

Attack Force (2006)

Can there be a more generic title? It doesn't even follow the traditional three word titles that most of Seagal's movies use. This title screams out laziness on the part of the film makers. Why couldn't they come up with something better? How about: Attack Force Zero; Attack Force Lawson; Seagal's Attack Force; Attack Seagal's Force; Force of Seagal; Attack Seagal Attack? The possibilities are endless.

Steven Seagal is Marshall Lawson, the most awesome of the awesome elite military agents. After a mission, Lawson and his team take a much needed respite. That's when a few of the good old boys on Lawson's covert special ops team end up out for a night of fun with a prostitute. Too bad, as this floozy is using the new drug CXT which gives her superhuman strength as well an insatiable urge to kill everyone in sight.

Seagal and his young love interest (who I pray was paid very well) investigate the deaths and find that a French lunatic is planning to dump CXT into the water supply, turning everyone into killing machines. That just will not do!

Seagal and his posse set out to kill everyone on CXT, who are easy to spot due to their lunging at people with knives, as well as their freaky eyes which go from normal, to white, and back again. Seagal and the remainder of his elite group are so amazing that they figure out who to kill by looking at their eyes.

The distracting thing about the movie is that there is a fair amount of bad dubbing. The worst of this is the person who dubbed Seagal sounds nothing like him. If they are not showing a close up while he's speaking, you have no idea who is talking. Even in the close ups, the voice coming out of Seagal is confusing as it sounds nothing like him.

With all it's confusion, I do have a few favorite parts:
1. Seagal flails like a little girl during a fight scene (of which there are not many);
2. Seagal's nemesis says "As you know, revenge is a two way street" (huh?);
3. At the beginning of the movie, there is a title on the screen to let us know the location and it says "France, Europe."

I like to think that Seagal wrote both of those gems. (Did I mention he wrote this movie, which I'm sure is why he is referred to as even more super-awesome than he usually is?)

Also of note is that the photo of Seagal on the dvd cover and index appears to have been severely photoshopped as his face is thin, but in the movie Seagal looks like Bloaty McPufferfish.

Flight of the Fury (2006)

A bloated Steven Seagal plays John, a super special awesome Navy Seal who teaches other Navy Seals how to fly the X77, a top secret experimental stealth fighter which becomes completely invisible (gasp!) John is called in by "Eduards Air Force Base" because the pilot who took the stealth plane out for a test, stole it to sell to a foreign faction for tons of money.

I was prepared for confusion since Seagal is the writer. And after the last movie, it wasn't a big surprise to have someone else dub Seagal's voice at random points in the movie. But what I wasn't prepared for is that the most spectacular fantabulous Navy Seal in the world would have no sense of discretion. Instead of hiding the bodies of guards he's killed, he leaves them in plain sight, and instead of opening border gates, he drives right through them after killing the guards. How can this man be a super secret excellent Navy Seal? He's just plain sloppy.

Also the best elite military man in the universe should be more careful when he kills three robbers in a convenience store, especially when his actions are ham fisted and result in the death of the clerk. Seagal is so over the top that half way through the movie I felt like I was watching Will Sasso's Seagal impression on Mad Tv. Seagal has officially become a caricature of himself.

If you want to watch Steven Seagal movies, this certainly meets the criteria. But there's not much else to recommend it.

My favorite awkward lines from the film are:
1. "It's got technology that scares even the shit out of us."
2. "I don't know what they paid him, but whatever they paid him, it was a dump truck full of cash."
3. "Navy Seals are locked and loaded and ready to jump."

and I'm not positive about this because it sounds so stupid, but it's what I heard.
4. Did anyone see you? "Me. I'm scheduled not to be followed."

Desert Warrior (1988)

In the future the earth is a wasteland with warring factions, (isn't it always?) The underground dwellers live in radiation free cavern cities and wear exceptionally clean white future outfits. Those who live on the surface are dirty radiated ruffians who drive vehicles of the future - crappy old cars missing doors and hoods.

In order to propagate their tribe, Lou Ferrigno wears an eye patch and rides a lowrider to search for the perfect woman, which is a young woman who is not sterile from radiation. Lou eventually finds someone to bring to the leader of their clan, but the woman is not willing and manages to convince Lou that it would be a good idea for her to escape.

Part Star Wars, part Mad Max, part Dr. Livingston, and all crap, this movie boasts bad 80s tv music and Lou's enormous eye patch. There is also a little robot and rusty old cars that inexplicably explode and burn for days.

Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers

Friends Rick and Walt decide to take a vacation in at a rustic cabin and stumble across a crashed spaceship with an injured alien. They bring the alien to their cabin and put him in the barn. During the night, the alien's shell cracks and it turns into a hot chick.

The town they are visiting is inhabited by the fanatical religious faction called The Lash of God. There is also a cult of marijuana growing hippies who imprison Rick and Walt in a small bamboo cage. The alien chick discovers their capture and convinces the hippies to let them go.

The movie is full of whacked out mullets and bad haircuts. It's supposed to be a comedy. It's not very funny, but it did seem to have a certain charm to it. I'm not sure why because the writing and acting weren't stellar by any means. Perhaps I was so tired that it seemed okay.

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil (2002)

The district attorney asks Kat to investigate the mutilation murder of an escaped convict found in the Pine Barrens, an area which the Jersey Devil is supposed to inhabit. The DA even goes so far as to suggest Kat keep her mind open because maybe the Jersey Devil is not just a local legend.

The film takes liberties with the actual legend, which will confuse anyone who has previously heard of it, and mislead those who haven't. It's like making a Bigfoot movie and portraying Bigfoot as a serial killer who rips the spine out of anyone who ventures into the woods - it's unnecessary, doesn't add to the story, and the actual legend can provide enough fodder for a good movie without changing the details. Also no one likes it when their local legends are changed, which immediately alienates a large portion of your built-in audience.

Kat, teams up with policemen Ron and Mitch, to investigate the killing and retrieve the mutilated torso. Near the scene, they find a giant "talon" - which in reality resembles a rock, or an indian arrow head, or a piece of coal, but definitely NOT a talon.

The three head over to the Shroud Mansion to visit Mr. Shroud, a strange and brilliant man, who spends his life studying reptiles, but apparently isn't much of a scholar as he tells Kat that the cobra is charmed by the clarinet!? Kat ends up staying overnight at Shroud's mansion, which seems like a really odd thing for an investigator from the DA's office to do, especially in the home of a very strange man.

In a parallel plot, former policeman Riley is locked in an old 1920s looking asylum due to his belief that the Jersey Devil is real and killed his partner. Riley keeps saying he's seen the Devil and claims that it's out to kill him also. The two plot lines conveniently converge near the end of the movie, although otherwise, they don't seem to have anything to do with each other.

The acting in this film is not good. Kat has no facial expressions and no emotion in her voice. It's like she's studied method acting from Steven Seagal. Even Lesley-Anne Down, who plays the DA, delivers her lines as if she's been forced to do the scene at gunpoint. Poor Robert Guillaume, another legitimate actor, gets some of the scripts real klinkers in his role as Riley.

I barely dare to mention the script, but there are scenes that go nowhere, numerous things that make no sense, and the monster's name is Bruno. The last scene with Mr. Shroud - in the foggiest basement ever - is utterly confusing and not clear as to what exactly is happening. Also, Kat is not a good investigator and doesn't seem too bright.

But perhaps the most confusing part is the chronology. The movie starts out in the woods, then cuts to "Present Day, October 31." Shortly after that we are treated to "three days earlier, Oct 28." What another flashback? Then to make things even trickier, we get "two days earlier, Oct 29". Huh?? It was just Oct 28, so...wouldn't two days earlier be Oct 26? Yes, of course it would, but this movie has decided to count everything from Oct 31, just to make it even more confusing. Quite frankly, they could have just gone in chronological order and not done this flashback stuff, but then it might make some sense.

Specters (1987)

Donald Pleasence is Professor Lasky who is in Italy exploring the catacombs that run beneath the city. When subway excavations reveal a hidden chamber, an inscription in it warns of the danger to come to anyone who reads it.

A tour group goes into the catacombs and a couple go off by themselves and get trapped by a cave-in. When the two get seperated the woman screams annoyingly about all the rats trapped with her.

Then in one of the most stupifying moves ever seen, she gets down on the ground and crawls into a burial area with a skeleton. I would think when terrified by a mass of vermin running all over the floor, the last thing one would want to do is lay down on the ground. It gives the rodents access to your entire body rather than just your feet.

It also makes the woman screech ever louder as she is afraid of the skeleton she is spooning up to, as well as the rats crawling all over the place. Not to mention it's just plain dumb to crawl into a hole where you can't be seen while screaming for help.

After finding the inscription, people die, someone gets sucked down into a bed, and lots of strange things happen. Unfortunately I can't tell you much about them as the movie put me into a stupor and by the time the night was over, my memory of what happened was fuzzy indeed. So that ought to tell you all you need to know about this film.

The only thing I was left with when this movie was over was wondering what would have happened if Lasky was the LOL Donald Pleasence.

Cemetery Gates (2006)

Animal liberators steal a massive crate from a scientists laboratory, randomly unleashing a murderous mutant tasmanian devil near an old cemetery. By no coincedence it just happens to be the cemetery that the scientist's son Hunter has rented for the weekend.

Hunter is filming a zombie movie with his friends. While he has big plans for the film, the cast consists of two girls and two zombies. An even bigger problem is that the zombies only have makeup on their faces, not their arms or exposed torsos.

It seems to be common knowledge that the cemetery has a series of old tunnels running under it. This is where Precious (the mutant tasmanian devil) chooses to hide. Yet when Scientist Belmont finds that Precious was released two miles from the cemetery, he wonders where she might be hiding. Belmont is so perplexed, it's almost impossible not to grab your head while screaming, "The tunnels!?!"

As for our monster, Precious digs perfectly round holes in the ground, which no one notices unless they fall into them. While Precious is a fairly stupid looking monster, I'm certainly thankful that this is a real monster suit rather than the crappy CGI that is in way too many movies these days.

The film's main characters are stereotypical horror movie college students with their smoking, drinking, and sexing. There is also a good girl and bad girl, sex starved irresponsible guys and a responsible guy.

While the film isn't great by any means, I really did enjoy how Precious killed as it was so different from what I expected. Precious jumps on the victim and her paws/claws move really fast as tons and tons of blood flies. The dead looked as if buckets of blood were dumped on them. It was so over the top that it was not grotesque.

As for the zombie aspect of the film, it was sadly lacking as the only zombies were the two college students in makeup, and no real zombies ever appear.

Satanic (2006)

After surviving a car crash, Michelle wakes up in the hospital with her head wrapped in gauze and a brain full of amnesia. She has nightmares about the crash, and doesn't recognize herself.

Dr. Barbary, played by the fantastic Angus Scrimm, tells her that she is being transferred to a place called Harmony House, where she will be with kids her own age, which should help in her recovery.

Harmony House is run by the super creepy Bisson and his horrible wife Jackie. Bisson is a little too interested in the young girls, and Jackie accuses poor amnesia-addled Michelle of being interested in her gross husband. Bisson, who packed Michelle's clothes, included lacey nightware, but Jackie blames Michelle. She confiscates Michelle's belongings and as punishment, refuses to give her dinner. Jackie also calls both girls sluts and whores, and has an extremely distasteful disposition.

It is a mystery as to how these two can get kids into Harmony House. It is literally a regular family home, not a group home, and the two don't seem to know anything about helping kids. Bisson makes an attempt at a group session, but he regularly insults the kids and calls them jerks. Jackie is even worse as she takes all the kids belongings and sells them on ebay. The two also make money by selling prescription narcotics that are supposedly going to the kids, and get money from the state for taking care of the kids.

It isn't clear as to why Michelle has been put in a home with juvenile delinquents. Amnesia is her problem, not delinquency. Bisson and Jackie seem incapable of helping messed up kids, let alone one with trauma to the brain. Is it normal for teenage amnesia victims to be released into the care of group homes rather than some sort of psychiatric facility or hospital equipped to deal with this problem?

In Michelle's possession is an elaborate oujia board, and a diary with a pentagram. The diary talks about killing her father and needing his blood for a ritual, but Michelle has no recollection of any of it. Her roommate Dahlia convinces her to have a seance as it is "a form of therapy." Never heard that one before, but I guess since Michelle has amnesia she buys it.

Everyone at Harmony House starts thinking Michelle is dangerous, except for Larry who believes she is sweet and kind. But as the killings start, the question becomes is Michelle the killer and what really happened on the night of the car crash?

While the name of the movie suggests a high satan content, it doesn't come into play for the most part. This movie is another in which there is too much dialogue that isn't very interesting. The twist ending seemed contrived, and has been done better in other movies, but will probably work for some viewers.

One thing that eventually drove me nuts was the repeated footage of Michelle driving up in a van next to a person in a hood and asking them if they wanted a ride. I'm not sure how many times this was repeated in the film, but it happened far too often, and the payoff wasn't worth it.

Demon Hunter (2005)

When an exorcism fails, Jake Greyman is called in to take care of the possessed girl by beating her senseless and stabbing her with his pointy cross. Jake, who is working for the church, is teamed up with a young nun named Sister Sarah to fight the forces of evil. The church's goal is to stop the demon Asmodeus from impregnating Los Angeles prostitutes, in an attempt to birth an evil demon. Yup, that's going to be one classy demon.

While Jake and Sister Sarah, who wears street clothes rather than a nun's habit, run around town trying to track down where Asmodeus will strike next, they argue about good and evil, demons and humans, kindness and killing, etc. It is the classic retelling of the story of Dirty Harry being paired with the new young female cop who can't quite get up the nerve to fire her gun.

At one point a policeman finds Jake and Sarah in someone elses home. Jake immediately grabs the cop around the throat, but Sarah begs Jake not to hurt him as he's just doing his job. Eventually Jake releases the poor cop, who falls to the floor, immobile. And when Jake speaks to the Cardinal, he states that he has left the cop incapacitated. Oddly enough the Cardinal is okay with incapacitating others.

While not a horrible film, it's also not a particularly interesting one either. There is far too much dialogue, which wouldn't be a problem if it were relevant but its not. Or when Asmodeus states "I take what's not given to me", all I could think of was, does that mean he does not take what is given to him?

The demon horns and hands weren't very inspiring either. Rather than the demon hands inspiring fear, all I could think was that they were little piggly wiggly hands, which isn't scary at all.

I must mention that there was one line in the movie that was so horribly written that it made me laugh out loud. It was uttered by Sister Sarah when she said, "She was an orphan, and her parents were dead." Bwaahahaha.... Yes, I'm glad you let me know that the orphans parents were dead, otherwise I would have tried to call them. Thank you oh so much, Sister Redundant Nun!

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

After Julian's uncle is killed, Julian finds a secret room in his attic which contains two barrels, which are the property of the US army. Julian and his girlfriend Jen decide that it would be a good idea to see what is in the barrel. So they cart it over to his friend Cody, a science major.

Although Cody isolates several elements contained in the liquid siphoned from the container, he can't specify what it is or if its dangerous. This doesn't stop the mentally deficient rave dj Jeremy from dipping his finger in it and tasting it.

Soon after, Jeremy starts hallucinating as well as drooling. When he snaps out of it, he professes the trip was awesome and they can get rich selling it.

Julian wants no part of this as they don't know if it has side effects, or even what is it, and says he'll be back the next day to pick up the barrel. Cody proves to be a poor scientist - as well as a poor friend - when he and Jeremy immediately make the liquid into pill form, and sell it to the college drug dealer. The new drug called Z (because it makes you so high you act like a zombie) is all over campus by the next day.

While Jeremy is setting up for his big rave in the desert, Jen discovers the barrel is now open and whatever was in it has left slime on the floor. Julian and Cody rush to the lab to investigate and all three run into freshly dead zombies, Interpol agents, and the slimey zombie from the barrel.

The barrel zombie manages to escape, and it finally dawns on Cody that it was a really bad idea to sell pills made from the mystery liquid. While Interpol, Julian, Jen, and Cody rush out to Jeremy's rave in an attempt to stop the sale and consumption of Z, the barrel zombie tries to hitch a ride on the freeway.

Anyone who takes three pills of Z at once immediately becomes a zombie. Those who consume one pill at a time take longer to die, first developing a cough and feeling cold. Eventually all the characters end up at Jeremy's big rave, where its a race to see if they can stop the sale of Z to the rave crowd, as well as save Jeremy from the side effects.

The questionable premise of Jeremy tasting the liquid from the barrel isn't believable. Would anyone really be so stupid that they would taste liquid from a mystery barrel with a US Army logo on it? Is the quest for a new high so mind numbing that they would have no concept that this stuff could be toxic waste or have horrendous side effects? What if it was some sort of agent orange rehash?

And as if tasting the liquid wasn't annoying enough, the character of Jeremy appears to be based on the ideas of a forty year old who had watched a ten year old documentary on techno. Jeremy was so annoying, I wanted to smack his hat right off his head and kick him in the hinder.

If you're looking for a good zombie movie, this isn't it. The characters are stupid and annoying, some of the acting is pretty bad, and the plot is too contrived. But if you're interested in seeing a random zombie movie or watching ravers get attacked by zombies, this movie will do.

Caved In: Prehistoric Terror (2005)

Christopher Atkins is John Palmer, a cave guide whose wife, bratty teenage daughter, and trying-to-prove-he's-manly teenage son help out with his tourist day trips. But John is not just any spelunker, he's a reknowned cave guide who is hired by a group of Europeans to travel deep into an old mine where rumors have it there is a cache of emeralds. Unfortunately the rumors forgot to mention that there are also man-sized bugs with giant pincers that will tear a person in half, which is why the mine was abandoned in 1948.

John leads the group into the mine, where they find the electricity still working, as well as the elevator. Honestly, I can't imagine anyone getting into a wooden elevator that hadn't been used in over fifty years, jumping up and down on it, declaring it safe, and loading it with people. There seems to be no concept that after so many years of disuse, especially in a cave, that the pulleys and other mechanisms might not be safe or work properly. There is also no thought of how they might get out of the mine shaft, which is over 300m deep, if the elevator ceases to function, and no thought of the possibility of methane in the long closed mine. Just what sort of reknown does John have anyway?

John's lack of brain power compells him to swing across a gap where the wooden walkway has decayed (but what if the other side can't support his weight?!). He smartly advises the group to stay against the wall due to the possible unstability of the edge of the cliff, and then proceeds to practically step off the edge himself.

In subplots, John's teenage daughter likes the young killer Stephan, and John's son tries to prove he's a man by going down into the mine on his own. Not only does the boy break a rung on the ladder, falling like a sack of potatoes onto the dirt floor, he also rides down into the mine on the old elevator, swings across the fallen walkway, and traipses deeper and deeper into the mine on his own - perhaps he is looking for his brain.

The cgi bugs look really bad. Not that they don't look like human sized bugs, but they appear to be bugs sitting on top of a photo, not actually in the photo. It's very disconcerting in the scenes where the humans are screaming in terror, when it is obvious the bugs are not even on the set.

Not a good movie, although sometimes it's stupid enough to be amusing. To quote from one of the characters who I can't even be bothered to remember, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?!? Your plan's not just being ripped apart. It's being ripped apart by giant bugs!"