Camp Fear (1991)

Vincent Van Patten is an archeology professor at what appears to be a community college for women. He takes a few of the girls to the lake to dig for ancient artifacts.  On the way they run into some bikers and a drunk local who is played by Buck Flowers.

After setting up camp, they hear noises and find a Native American in a sweat lodge. In keeping with the theme of archaeology students who will fail their classes, the girls are completely confused about the strange man with the primitive hut and clothing.

The bikers have nothing better to do than to track down the professor and the girls, which leaves them all vulnerable to the giant druid in the woods who needs a sacrifice for his stone table.  Oi!

This movie is ridiculous, but I must admit I have had a soft spot for Vincent Van Patten since he was in Apple's Way in the early 1970s.  

Wicked Lake (2008)

Four women head up to the lake for a vacation and are visited by four creepy guys and some hicks they met at a local gas station.  The women are forced to do humiliating acts with the men until the strike of midnight at which point the tables turn and the men are in fear of their lives.  It was also at this point that we stopped watching because it was terrible.

Deadgirl (2008)

Rickie and JT skip school and head to the abandoned asylum to drink and vandalize.  While running away from a feral dog, they end up finding a naked girl under plastic.  She looks dead, but the plastic is moving as if she's breathing.  Rickie wants to set her free and get the hell out of there, but JT wants to keep her and use her for his own fun.  After they come to blows, Rickie leaves JT on his own with the girl.

The next day JT convinces Rickie to come back because he says he has to show him something or he won't believe it.  JT shoots the girl and then reveals to Rickie that this is third time he's killed her but she doesn't die.  

There is a juxtaposition between extremes with Rickie's character being in love with a popular girl at school and forsaking JT and any interest in sex with the deadgirl.  JT is a complete psychopath who ends up sharing the girl with another friend of theirs and spending all his time in the asylum with the deadgirl.

The movie is disturbing on so many levels, especially the realization that there are males in this world who would do the same thing as JT.   But even though it's sick, it's also fascinating because you want some sort of positive resolution which never comes.  The ending is very unsatisfactory, offers no explanation for the girl or what happened, and leaves bigger questions about why no one would notice a naked deadgirl tearing around the neighborhood.

Sands of Oblivion (2007)

Cecile B. DeMille is shooting a move in the desert and using real cursed antiquities from Egypt for the props in his film. Years later an old man, who was a boy when the movie was filmed, goes back to the desert to find the box he buried at the end of filming.

At the same time there is a group of archaeology students on a dig looking for the rumored set which was left intact and buried by DeMille. Grandpa, played by George Kennedy,and his hunky grandson find his treasure box, but also find an entry to the hidden set where grandpa's arm is ripped off by Anubis.

The curse has been unleashed and the archaeologists and grandson must try to stop the carnage. Some really stupid things happen, but the best part is when Anubis tears through the dig site and one of the students states that she doesn't know what that thing was, but it had a head like a dog. Oh dear sweet useless child, you should not be on this dig and you are definitely going to fail archaeology.

The Intruder (1989)

The night crew at a local grocery store is terrorized by a killer.  All signs point to him being the cashier's boyfriend who has been stalking her and was hanging around outside the store all night.

Everyone just learned that the store is going to be sold and that they will all lose their jobs.  Sam and Ted Raimi are two of the employees, and Bruce Campbell has a bit part as a cop. There is a really nicely done scene with a table saw to the head.

Trespassers (2006)

Five college students head to Mexico to surf and meet up with one's older brother, only to find the beach deserted. After gallivanting around, they find the brother's truck abandoned in a sand dune and become concerned.

The group splits up - always a bad idea - with a couple heading off to town to see if the brother went there for help, and the others looking for the brother's camp site which he said was at a compound near the beach.

In town they are told the legend of a cult that lived in a compound at the beach and how there have been attacks on Anglos in that area. One of the students theorizes this is just local talk to keep outsiders off the local beaches.

The zombies are not typical zombies. In fact, I'm not really sure what sort of zombies they are, but do not expect real zombies.

The movie features one of the smartest moves when a character buries himself in a sand dune so the zombies can not find him. Brilliant! Only his face is sticking out of the slant of the dune and it is night so he's hard to see. However this must have used up all his brain cells because later he makes the dumbest move ever when he lights a fire at night and starts having sex with his girlfriend. Aaarrgghh!!!!!

You know the zombies are looking for you. They've killed your friends, they've tried to kill you, and now that you escaped you're going to make a fire!?! It's inside a ramshackle cabin which means the light can be seen through all the gaps in the door, the windows, and between slats of wood. It may as well be a neon sign announcing their presence.

San Franpsycho (2006)

A move starring Joe Estevez and Todd Bridges?  How could I not watch it?  Well, one reason would be to have your serial killing psycho walk in slow motion for a long, long time to pad the film.  

Joe Estevez is a detective who watches tv and tries to catch a killer.  The killer follows his victim in the train station, on the platform, in the train, gets off at the same stop, walks down the street about fifteen feet behind her, and she doesn't notice until she gets right up to her front door and he pushes his way inside.  Way to go, movie!  You actually pushed us to a point where we couldn't watch you anymore because you were too painful - and look at the crap we've watched!

Surface (2005)

I seem to recall seeing adds for this series when it was on, but it never interested me.  In fact I had no interest in watching it now either, but I ended up watching one episode due to it being about sea monsters.  While everyone in it seemed to do stupid things, it was still enjoyable and I wish I had the time to watch more than one episode.  I want to know what the creature is and if the kid who stole it's egg is going to befriend the hatchling or get killed by it.  I'm hoping for carnage rather than an ET moment, but it's a tv series, so I'm guessing it'll be the cute cuddly scene.

Simon Says (2006)

Crispin Glover and Crispin Glover star as psychotic twins who terrorize five college students on a camping trip.  The group stops by Simon and Stanley's store to get gas and alcohol.  The gas pump out front doesn't work, but inside there are dusty bottles of scotch that the kids snatch up while insulting the brothers.  Oh stupid kids, always insulting local town folks and making yourselves targets for their wrath.  

The group decides to camp on the site of an old homicide - yay that'll be fun!  Shortly afterwards the twins are wandering the forest in their camouflage suits made of grass and twigs, hunting down their prey.

Crispin Glover gets more and more over the top as the film goes on, but still it's Crispin Glover so you won't care.  The rest of the cast is interchangeable.  Features the only scene I can remember of someone bursting through the dead body of a friend, yeech!!!  Also the door is left open for a sequel.

The Woods (2006)

Heather  is sent off to boarding school due to her new found interest in setting things on fire.  The school is out in the middle of the woods and the teachers seems a bit off. Several of them look like men in drag and one even looks like SNL's Church Lady.  It has nothing to do with the story, but it's certainly distracting.

The girls in the school are strange and Heather has conflict with the school bullies when they pick on her new friend.  At night, the other girls fall into a deep sleep, but Heather has disturbing dreams and awakes to see the woods coming into the room to get the girl in the bed by the wall.  In the morning, it looks like the girl is sleeping but when the covers are peeled back, there is only a pile of leaves.

There are stories that many years ago there were girls who were witches at the school who disappeared after being chased through the woods by the rest of students.  Heather discovers that all the girls are given a test when they arrive, certain girls are singled out due to the results of their tests, and Heather is one of those girls.  

Bruce Campbell has a small role as Heather's henpecked father.

Private School (1983)

The story of the girls at Cherryvale Academy and their male counterparts at Freemount Academy and the hijinks that ensue.  Christine and Jim are planning a nice little weekend getaway to lose their virginity.  Meanwhile Bubba is back at the dorms betting his friends that he can get sleazy rich girl Jordan into various states of undress.  But Jordan wants to date Jim and tries to break up the young couple in love before they go on their weekend.

In between, the guys sneak into the girl's school dressed as women, there is a school dance where the guys get wood, Jordan goes topless horseback riding (ouch!), and there are various states of undress and sexual escapdes.

This is a typical 1980s teen sex comedy, which means the jokes aren't funny, but it is enjoyable in an oddly painful, nostalgic sort of way.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

As a child, Jack saw his family killed by monsters.  Now an adult, Jack is plagued by an anger problem and a girlfriend who treats him poorly.  He's a plumber, but spends his nights taking classes with his girlfriend.  

Robert Englund is the professor who asks Jack to help with a plumbing problem at his house.  This leads to an accident in which the professor finds a large box containing a black heart which was buried due to the curse on it.  The heart enters the professor and turns him into a monster.  When he starts killing the night school students, Jack decides to fight back and face his childhood monster fears.

Robert Englund does a good job and Trevor Matthews is likable as Jack.  The movie is fun and does an okay job of mixing comedy and horror.

Tamara (2005)

Another movie about a high school prank going terribly wrong resulting in an accidental death and revenge.  Tamara is a mousy high school student with a crush on her teacher.  She also has a book of witchcraft in her house with which she tries to cast a love spell.  After she is accidentally killed during a horrible prank, she is buried in the woods.  What the kids don't know is that she has the page with the spell in her shirt and blood has been spilled which puts the magic spell to work.

When Tamara shows up the next day at school, she has transformed into the hot chick that every guy wants.   Immediately she targets the kids who buried her.  She immediately targets the kids who buried her and leave them afraid of who will be next.

The most ridiculous part of this is that the prank was taped so it is obvious the death was an accident.  The other stupid thing is they don't even call an ambulance for her.  They just bury her so that their future careers and college scholarships are not messed up.  Also the ending is unsatisfying and leaves the door open for a sequel.

Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter (1970)

Kazuma wanders into town to look for his long lost sister.  He befriends a female gang who decide to help him on his quest.  The Eagles, the male gang they hang out with, are very angry about Kazuma taking attention away from them and set out to make his life miserable.  The Eagles are also on a quest to rid the town of halfbreeds and teach the girls a lesson for helping Kazuma.

Sometimes the movie reminds me of The Girl in the Gold Boots.  It's got gangs, music, fashionable clothing, and a traveler who falls for a girl that someone else considers their woman.

The Capture of Bigfoot (1979)

Michelle convinced me to watch this movie again.  Damn you, Michelle!!  Oh Sweet Capture of Bigfoot, I saw you in April 2008 and here you are again darkening my tv screen.  The only new thing I can think to add is that there is a very funny scene with a flying dummy.

The Cruise (1998)

Timothy "Speed" Levitch is an eccentric tour bus guide in New York City.  He's the type of guy you'd probably shrink away from while you were trying to figure out how crazy he was, but gradually forget this judgement due to the plethora of odd information and anecdotes that he possesses.  In fact, he's the best type of tour guide - one who's really interested in what he's talking about and provides off beat information.

Sometimes I felt envious of how he's chosen to live life, and at other times I felt sorry for him.  He's an interesting person and the only time the film becomes a bit uncomfortable is near the end when he starts ranting about people he used to know.  Definitely worth seeing.

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

This is the meanest camp ever.  The kids are mean, the counselors are mean, and the first scene in the dining hall will have you thinking this is a camp for children with behavioral issues.  But nope, it's just a bunch of jerky kids acting like jerks.

Alan, who is the target of disdain from everyone in camp except for one kind counselor, would be a sympathetic character if not for the fact that he is also mean to other kids.  There isn't one likable character in the entire movie.  There also isn't any character development. People just yell, humiliate each other, and act like jerks.  Oh wait, I didn't hate the kind hearted counselor, but she only showed up to spirit Alan away from his tormentors.

Also the first glimpse of the town sheriff prompts the question, why is the sheriff wearing a fake nose and have a non-masculine physique?  

Some of the actors from the original film appear, including Angela, Ricky, and counselor Ronnie.

Walking Tall: Lone Justice (2007)

In a movie that has nothing to do with Buford Pusser, small town former sheriff Nick moves to the big city to live with his DEA girlfriend and her young daughter.  When all the witnesses who are in protective custody are killed, the DEA agents who will testify are put in a safe house, which turns out not to be so safe when all but one of them are gunned down.

Nick hides out in the country town where he used to be the law and does his Hercules stuff while protecting his woman, her child, and his friends.  Sorbo is an okay action hero, but anyone looking for the real Walking Tall characters should rent the original.

Blood Song (1982)

Frankie Avalon is a psychotic killer who plays a wooden flute and escapes from a sanitarium.  Frankie was only a child when he saw his father kill his mother and then commit suicide.  The worst part is his father only taught him one song before he died, so Frankie plays the same thing over and over.  But good god, don't say anything about it unless you want to end up dead.

Crippled high school student Marion is having dreams in which she sees Frankie killing people.  After she runs across him in the woods burying a body, Frankie starts chasing her, but no one believes what she says due to her crazy dreams and the lack of a body.

Frankie's hair is always prefect and he looks the same as when he was in the beach movies twenty years earlier.

Mausoleum (1983)

12 year old Susan enters the family mausoleum after her mother's death and is possessed by a green eyed demon.  Twenty years later, married Susan starts killing people by doing bad things with her demon eyes.  And when she shows up naked, her little bitey demon boobs could gnaw a hole right through a man.

Susan offs her handyman, her maid, and another family member before her husband figures out there is something wrong with her.  

Susan's psychiatrist gets the award for the calmest man every.  When Susan changes into the demon during one of her sessions, he has no reaction.  When he finds Susan's husband with his rib cages ripped open, he has no reaction.  Strangely enough, a cat scare does make him jump.