Dominique is Dead (1979)

There's spooky stuff going on in their mansion and Dominique believes her husband David is trying to drive her insane. After her death, David starts wondering if he's going mad himself as he keeps seeing Dominique in the house and outside his office. The twist ending answers the question of whether Dominique is truly dead and whether the supernatural inhabits the home. Not a particularly original film, it's similar to Gaslight and countless other driving the spouse insane plots.

Fiend (1980)

An alien energy reanimates a corpse who rises from the grave, kills a couple, buys a house, gets a car, feeds his cat, opens a music academy, and teaches violin. Honestly, is there a more bizarre concept for a film? What sort of reanimated corpse is going to buy a house or teach violin? And where did he get the money to purchase the home in the first place?

The corpse, who goes by the name of Mr. Longfellow, has to kill to keep his body from deteriorating. He strangles women in the neighborhood and glows red when he's committing these crimes. He spends all his time down in the basement rec room. In the other half of the basement, there is a little area where he keeps a knife in fancy box and slashes photographs of his victims.

Mr. Kender, his next door neighbor, suspects something is off with Longfellow, especially after a little girl is murdered behind their home. When Longfellow needs to kill, he starts looking waxy and his eyelids get all droopy which is yucky.

While the story is ridiculous, the film is actually well done, nicely edited and another good attempt by Don Dohler.

AVP Aliens vs Predator Requiem

A spaceship filled with alien hatchling specimens crash lands on Earth unleashing the hatchlings on a small town. Aliens run amuck in town as a Predator arrives to take control of the creatures that killed his friend.

The townsfolk don't get any character development, so it's hard to remember anyone's name. But since they're all stereotypes, you can remember them that way. There's the ex-con, sheriff, younger brother, pizza guy, army mom, little girl, asshole jock, and hot chick.

As the slaughter of the townspeople rages on, a small group bands together to try to survive, and must decide whether to follow the Army's instructions to go to the center of town for an evacuation or to head to the hospital in hopes of using their chopper to escape. Guess which is the better idea.

Blood Sisters (1987)

A sorority initiation calls for pledges to spend a night in a house that has been closed for thirteen years due to multiple murders that took place within. The local fraternity has rigged what they call pranks inside the haunted brothel to test the bravery of the sorority pledges as they compete on a scavenger hunt. Oddly enough, this is the only movie I remember where the pledge master is actually concerned for the pledges safety and considers calling off the hazing ritual.

The movie has ghost prostitutes, the couple who decides to have sex in the haunted house, and a geeky girl with glasses straight out of Scooby Doo. Her glasses are knocked off her face at a key moment in the ghost activity and she blindly moves around with her arms outstretched in front of her.

Murder Mansion (1972)

Stranger's lost in what the description called "a thick and leering fog" - how in the world does fog leer?! - end up stranded in an old mansion at the edge of a cemetery. The young woman who owns the home invites them to stay the night and spooky things happen.

There are numerous flashbacks to events you wont' care about, a creepy lady, her hulking driver, and a twist ending that will generally elicit a response of "oh..."

Final Payback (2001)

Richard Grieco is Joey Randall, an ex cop who who is having an affair with his former Captain's wife, who is murdered while he sleeps downstairs. Randall becomes a suspect as not only is he observed fleeing the scene, but he also accidentally grabs in the murder weapon by the handle.

Randall goes on the run and becomes involved with his ex-girlfriend who is soon to be married. Randall's only friend, a former junkie, is worked over by a corrupt cop played by Martin Kove. Grieco is very puffy and does not look healthy. He looks nothing like the picture on the cover, and I don't even think the girl on the cover is in the film.

Blood Mania (1970)

Groovy hipster Dr. Craig Cooper is providing care to a rich old guy who's sleazy daughter Victoria likes to walk around wearing see-through dresses. When Victoria finds out Cooper is being black mailed by an old friend, she decides to give him the money, which she'll have once daddy dies. If she hastens his death along, then perhaps she can get what she desires, which is Cooper.

Victoria's younger sister Gail, who has a massive bouffant, goes to the county fair with Cooper. Gail is young and vapid. Cooper is old and bulky. They look like father and daughter, not a couple, which makes it a bit creepy.

After an incredibly long, long, long montage of their day, Cooper returns Gail to the house where Victoria witnesses them kissing and goes crazy - thus beginning both the blood and the mania referenced in the title.

The Sickhouse (2007)

An old plague hospital in London is set to be demolished as authorities are concerned that there might be remnants of sickness inside that could start another epidemic. But archaeologist Anna doesn't care about the public's health, so she breaks into the hospital to finish her work and finds a secret tunnel which holds a small box.

Anna believes that there is evidence in the hospital that plague doctors working at the hospital killed children. The doctors are wearing hoods to protect them from the plague, and look like something out of Mad Magazine's Spy vs. Spy. Either that or like they have giant chicken heads, either of which can be creepy and stupid at the same time.

You can tell Anna is an archaeologist because she uses a brush on whatever she's working on. But she's not a very good one because she tends to use a pick ax on whatever is in her way and she doesn't use any safety precautions when entering the tunnel. When she opens the box she found, a blue mist comes out, unleashing evil within the hospital.

At the same time in a subplot that will soon come crashing into the storyline, four teenagers steal a car and joyride around the city while taking drugs. The completely annoying group look quite a bit older than the teens they supposedly portray, and it is not obvious until the plot points arise that one is deaf and one is pregnant. When they run over someone in the road and crash the car, they end up hiding in the very hospital that Anna is working in.

When the deaf Clive is attacked by a plague doctor, everyone goes nuts until Anna happens upon them and takes charge. Unfortunately her idea of taking charge is to offer plague boy a glass of water from the plague hospital water supply. Um, if they are demolishing the building, might the water also be unsafe? Then she tells them they need to get as far away from Clive as possible so as to keep from catching the plague.

Her other brilliant ideas are placing old plaguey Clive in a metal cage to keep him safe - How? How can that possibly keep him safe in anyway? - and sending the pregnant girl to check on him. Geez, out of everyone there, wouldn't the pregnant one be the last person who should check on him? How ridiculous!

The movie tops itself by having an ending which causes complete confusion and makes no more sense than anyone's actions throughout the film.

Rambo III (1988)

Once again John Rambo is approached by Trautman to help with a mission in Afghanistan. But Rambo is living peacefully in Thailand helping monks build a monestary and raising money for them via brutal fighting in arenas.

When Trautman is captured, Rambo decides to go in and rescue him. He heads into the desert, plays a game involving a dead goat, and ends up at the camp where Trautman is being held. Helping him are an Afghan guide and a boy who wants revenge as his family was killed in a raid on their camp.

There are subtitles for background chatter while Rambo makes his way through the camp setting bombs. It makes no sense to subtitle anything as none of it is relevant to the plot. If these were not there, it wouldn't make a difference. Much of the time, the camera is on Rambo, while there is a subtitle on a voice in the background saying something about how it's almost time to get something to eat. It doesn't matter. Yet, when the soldiers are yelling at Trautman or other captives, there often isn't a translation. Wouldn't that be the point where they should include that?

As in most Rambo movies, eventually he kills everything within reach.

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)

19 year old Hannah goes to children of the corn country to find her mother, who she's never met. The desolate town contains not only info on her mother, but Isaac who promptly wakes up from the coma he's been in for nineteen years. His followers see this as the first sign of the prophecy where the first son and first daughter must have a child.

Stacy Keach stars as the town doctor and Nancy Allen stars as Hannah's mother. He Who Walks Behind the Rows - a name that is scary and stupid at the same time - puts in an appearance later in the film.

And in case you missed that it was twelve o'clock, ten million clocks ring to hit the point home.

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

A construction worker opens a coffin containing a dog with a stake through his heart. The idiot pulls out the stake, thus awakening Dracula's dog, whose eyes glow in the dark.

The dog and Dracula's servant Igor travel to the US to find a descendant of the Count as they need a master to serve. Igor drives a hearse with a big bat on the back window, not discreet at all.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976)

Aloha High School's cheerleaders run wild and are completely unlikable. They have sex in the school hallways, in front of teachers, and in the locker rooms. One girl makes out with a guy's butt while he's at work as an ice cream clerk making a lady a banana split. There are boobs and untanned butts flying everywhere, plus David Hasselhoff as a basketball star named Boner.

Every once in a while the cheerleaders and basketball team break into an ungainly song and dance number, which is embarrassing for all the participants.

The girls dose the school lunch with drugs on the day state inspectors are visiting, while the principal hopes to close the school and open a mall. It's mayhem and naked people everywhere, starring a bunch of cheerleading jerks.

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

Break dancers Ozone and Turbo team up with rich girl Kelly - whose dad doesn't like Kelly wasting her life dancing with the lower class - to save the neighborhood youth center, Miracles, which is about to be demolished by a corrupt business man who wants the land to build a shopping mall.

Will the break dancers save their neighborhood? Will they win the dance off against that rival dancing gang? Will they get the hell off the ceiling? And will the rich girl's father learn that just because someone has no money, dresses odd, and dances to the rhythm of the street doesn't mean he is a conman after rich people's money?

If you're looking for a cliche in action, you've got it:

• neighborhood bands together to fight evil industrialist
• rich girl's parents hate her urban friends but come to realize they are good kids
• rich girl is told she doesn't belong by urban girl
• rival dance groups put aside their differences to fight a common enemy
• shy guy gets girl by being himself
• shy guy asks older guy for advice about girls and is given lesson in the wrong things to do
  

Dragon Fighter (2003)

A status hungry scientist working in a secret underground cloning facility - yeah that's right, secret underground cloning facility - puts what he believes is a dragons egg in an incubator. Newly hired head of security, Dean Cain, is not only a former military man with the skills to fly a Black Hawk, but also a well learned brainiac in chemistry and biology, due to his parents being biologists. In fact, Cain reads heavy duty books on these subjects just for fun.

Though the other scientists are cloning experts, they don't seem to have a clue about what is going on within the complex or are alarmed when the doctor shows up with a large mystery egg. Cains knowledge of all things biological and chemical means that he correctly guesses that the patronizing doctor has found a dragon egg, and is very alarmed at the possible consequences. None of the cloning experts seems concerned about their fate.

The madman scientist only cares about his precious dragon egg, not what might happen once it hatches. Thus he balks every step of the way when faced with the danger that is hatching within their compound walls.

The incubator tank is full of pink smoke, so no one can see what is happening inside. As it is a sterile environment, two contamination suited flunkies are sent in to extract the newly hatched creature. Shortly after the two men enter, there is a terrific explosion that destroys the room.

What do you know, a dragon is now kalumpfing through the halls. Super idiot scientist still demands that no one harm his find, as all he can think about is the fame it will bring him. I'm thinking even a dead dragon would make him superbly famous, plus they're in a cloning facility so couldn't they just clone the dead dragon after coming up with a better plan on how to deal with it once it hatches?

The rest of the movie is sort of like Alien, except the dragon is obviously computer generated which makes it more amusing than threatening. I actually forgot that they were in an underground complex and thought that it was a movie taking place in the future. Ninety five percent of this movie takes place in the hallways and futuristic looking labs......which once again makes the film look very much like a sub par Alien.

Welcome to Spring Break (1988)

aka Nightmare Beach

After blowing the big game, Skip and his friend Ronnie head to Spring Break to have some fun. Ronnie confirms his idiot status by wearing a mesh tshirt, parking in the Demon's biker gangs spot, and giving them the finger. Ronnie confirms he is the responsible, smart guy by stating that they don't want any trouble.

Meanwhile Diablo, the leader of the gang who was electrocuted for murdering a teenager has gone missing from his grave. Soon a black motorcycle with a mysterious rider are killing people during Spring Break. The gang thinks it's Diablo come back to life, the local police department isn't sure.

There is a running gag about a young woman who convinces men she needs money and has sex to get them to contribute, a guy with new wave hair who steals money from vacationers, and a guy who continually plays pranks about being dead.

There is a continuity error in the film. When Skip holds a screwdriver to Doc's neck, at first it is a Phillips head. But when they show it again, it is a flathead.

The film features John Saxon and Michael Parks, who most people know from "Twin Peaks", but I alway like to think of him as the free wheeling motorcycle rider in "Then Came Bronson".

The Curse of the Crying Woman (1963)

aka La Maldición de la Llorona

Stupid woman, what with her crying and her curse...what the hell!? This black and white Mexican horror film has some nice atmosphere and very creepy eye makeup, but the translation is ridiculous.

Newly married Emily receives an invitation from her Aunt Thelma to visit. When Emily arrives, she discovers that her uncle Daniel has died in a terrible accident and her Aunt has not aged from when she last saw her years before.

Thelma is a strange woman as she is never around during the day and has no reflection. Turns out she has discovered the secrets of Marian Lane, the wailing witch, who threw her life away in exchange for power.

Thelma and her deformed man servant named Fred were not aware that Emily had remarried and are quite upset that she has brought her husband Herbert along to visit. Herbert ends up getting the brunt of the abuse in the movie as not only does the creepy zombie in the bell tower throw him over the railing, but he also falls through a trap door.

It is silly hearing all the Americanized names. But ever more ridiculous is that the zombie locked in the bell tower can reach through the bars on the door and unlock it the door from the outside.

Most ridiculous lines:

1. "You're coming close to the front door of the supernatural!"

2. "Why is that horrid monster in the house?" "Fred?" Uhhh, yes, the horrid monster's name is Fred.

Cybercity (1999)

aka The Shepherd

Why would anyone go see a film called The Shepherd? They wouldn't, which is why they titled the dvd Cybercity.

C. Thomas Howell is a shepherd - someone hired to assassinate those considered undesirable or a threat to society - whose wife and kid are dead, but he keeps reliving this via future-vision. He is asked to kill a woman and her child. The boy doesn't talk because he's "had a scare."

Roddy Piper is the Preacher who appears on video and hologram and half way through the film starts dragging around a massive cross.

David Carradine has a ventriloquist dummy that wears a wig and chokes C. Thomas Howell, who's ass gets too much airtime in the film.

Howell becomes attached to the woman and little boy, and decides to help them avoid assassination. They hide in a church which creepily enough has a bed behind the pulpit. Howell and the woman have sex while the little boy is in the same room. Yes, no need to be concerned about emotional scarring of the child.

Thomas's shirt bulges strategically at the chest to reveal his tattoo. Unfortunately the way the shirt pulls looks very feminine, thus undermining any attempt at tattoo machismo.

Best of all is the little future car they drive around in, which appears to consist of a golf cart with blue lights and cardboard doors. Hurrah for the cyber future!

Wisconsin Death Trip (1999)

Wisconsin Death Trip is based on the book of the same name and attempts to be faithful in it's narrative of death in a small Wisconsin town during the 1890s. The book is a collection of photographs and newspaper clippings from Black River Falls, WI, all of which involve death and hardship.

While I was fascinating by the book, the film was very slow moving. Overall the film had an antsy feeling which was very effective, but the whispering throughout drove me crazy - although not as crazy as the poor people that lived in Black River Falls.

I was very taken with the window smasher who appeared several times throughout the film. I would recommend the book, but I found the film difficult to get through.

Get Crazy (1983)

Max Wolfe loves rocknroll and is about to do his 15th annual New Years Eve concert. But villain Mr. Beverly wants to shut down the theater and put up a highrise. When Max won't let Beverly buy out his lease, Beverly vows to put an end to the concert.

With a typical rocknroll versus the establishment storyline and comedy that sometimes falls flat, the film still managed to be really fun and make me laugh. There is also a great cast including cult favorites Mary Waronov, Paul Bartel, Clint Howard, Malcolm McDowell, Lee Ving, Bobby Sherman, Fabian, Lou Reed, Howard Kaplan of The Turtles, and The Doors' John Densmore.

Lou Reed is great as Audin, the reclusive singer who comes out of seclusion to play the show as a favor to Max, and has the taxi driver take the long way to the show as he's having a burst of creativity.

Malcolm McDowell plays Reggie Wanker, a self obsessed rock star who wears a huge codpiece, drinks magic water, and talks to his penis - which talks back, eeek!

Other stand outs are Bobby Sherman and Fabian, who are very funny as Mr. Beverly's henchmen.

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)

After a drunken night in town, sheep farmer Eddie wake up in the barn next to a large bloody mass of something. Luckily local mad scientist Dr. Clemons and his hippie assistant Mariposa happen by to hear Eddie screaming. The daft doctor immediately realizes that this yucky thing the size of a small child is going to solve his research theory.

Meanwhile back in town, Mr. Barnstable - a redundant name if ever there was one - a representative from a rich mining company, has arrived bringing offers to purchase everyone's land. This doesn't sit well with the local officials who do not want to give up control of the town.

The town officers come up with a plan to discredit Barnstable by blaming him for killing the Sheriff's dog and framing him for a shooting of a local man. As Barnstable is chased out of town by a vigilante group wanting to hang him, he happens upon Dr. Clemons lab (which looks more like a bunker).

Clemons has been raising the gooey thing from the barn, which he determined is a sheep embryo, although the sheep must have been intimate with an alien judging by the final result. The embryo has grown into the title character, the Godmonster - a massive misshapen mutant of a sheep that is larger and taller than a human being and has strangely long legs of different lengths.

Horror of all horrors, the Godmonster escapes and runs wild through the country side while Mariposa chases after it, only to finally catch up with it and say the oddest line ever in film, "I've been following you since the glory hole." Yeeehaw!

Wow, inexplicable, unfathomable, bizarrre... truly has to be seen to be believed.