Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutters Cover (2005)

While opening a treasure chest found on the beach, a teenager cuts his finger which drips blood onto the chest. This somehow awakens a rotting old pirate who comes back for revenge on those who stole his treasure.  But in true horror movie fashion, he picks some teens who had nothing to do with it but happen to be  on the beach having a bonfire.  After four deaths in the first fifteen minutes, the surviving couple are blamed by the police for the murders of their friends - even though they called the cops themselves and a cutlass killed the kids.

The teens are put in a holding room at the station, but get upset when the cops want their DNA and won't let them make a phone call.  After discovering a locked door behind a large file cabinet and escaping - is that really an appropriate room to hold your  murder suspects? - the teens attempt to find the real killer.

Their idea of a search for the killer is simply going to their high school, accessing the Internet and looking up serial killers.  After the first site they view doesn't have any info on serial killers who dress like pirates, they decide to switch to looking for pirates.

"Here's a gallery. Let's check out these photos."  Ummm, no. Those are illustrations, you idiots.  Oh, that was easy. They've found him!  Yes, they exclaim that the "photo" looks just like our pirate.... uh no it doesn't.  Our Jolly Roger pirate is more reminiscent of that hippy Dr. Teeth from the Muppets.

illustration of dead pirate - killer pirate come back to life - Dr. Teeth

Also might I make a suggestion?  If you're going to have your characters look at web sites that are central to the plot, make sure you actually take the time to upload your made-for-the-movie web pages to the internet.  Either that or don't show the address bar since we can clearly see that all the pages are saved to your desktop.

When the pirate kills a girl in a strip club, the surveillance cameras are the exact same footage as the scenes in the movie - multiple camera angles, editing, zooms, etc - except they're in fuzzy black and white.

So much ridiculousness, so little quality.

Jazz hands

Nice job taping off the murder scene.

A pirate walks into a bar.....

Make sure not to show the address bar for your fake web site
or someone may notice it's saved to your desktop.

How seriously can we take their research when the one web site
on pirates they look at coincidentally contains only one link
and it's for - gasp -  the one pirate that has been killing their friends.

Shiver me timbers, are ye trying to steal me treasure?