Death From Beyond 2: Eternal Damnation (2008)

Okay the description for this film says, "Nefratis, the demon princess of Egypt, has reincarnated in the 21st century as Marcia; a young archaeologist.  When a film crew decides to film in Marcia's apartment, they must control their own lustful urges before they become the next victims of the demon princess that murdered her way into our century from a fiery grave in ancient Egypt."  Uh, what?

I don't think that was the movie I just watched. I don't remember a film crew or a young archaeologist. All I remember is tons of primitive CGI, generic music, numerous things that make no sense, and long scenes with no dialogue.  Oh and Nazi's, strange half skeletons that flit around while holding swords, and a hero that resembles George Constanza.

Based on the credits, one man is to answer for this. James Panetta is listed in the credits as: lead actor; director, producer; executive producer; costume designer; editor; casting director; cinematographer; and special effects editor.  Sure, when you do indie movies, you have to take on more roles in production. But there is also a correlation to the number of times a name appears in the credits, and how bad the movie turns out.

Some of the things to watch for (if you can make it through this overly long movie):

• walls painted to look like stone
• backgrounds made of fabric
• tons of horrendous CGI
• in the hospital hallway, a man in a suit and tie is asking a nurse questions about a patient and seems to have no knowledge of his condition. I thought he was a reporter until suddenly he tells the nurse to, "get in there and check his IV."  
• blood pouring from a woman's mouth as she is held aloft by her neck, but no blood on the floor beneath her
• a woman who finds her door open at night and looks around for who did it - yet the viewer can see someone run across the front lawn, from right to left
• characters who don't move when something deadly is flying at their head
• Berlin 1945 - it may seem like a viable option to use CGI background for this... but it's not
• a musical interlude which rips off Floyd the Barber by Nirvana
• people spending a lot of time shrugging, smiling, looking confused, sneering, looking evil, all while generic music plays
• tons of scenes with no dialogue (and bad CGI just can't support the lack of dialogue)
• awkward squats with a sword, while trying to take a threatening fighting stance

Cringe worthy dialogue:

"So I take it Charlies Not So Angels are no longer with us?"

Think anyone will notice the blanket walls,
or the nails and plywood painted like stone pillars? 

Get ready for a lot of this

Copyrighted material has been blurred for your protection

This is how she tried to escape the CGI screwdriver

Blanket walls should never be in your movie unless you're 10

Neon swastikas for the Nazis

George Costanza is ready for action

Your sister preparing for the local Rennaisance Festival

Someone needs to pay more attention to lighting

They've ramped up the CGI

Your heroes?  No, it's your neighbors LARPing in the barn.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

Creepshow 3 (2006)

Wait, there's a Creepshow 3?  Why have I never heard of this?  Oh, probably because George Romero and Stephen King have nothing to do with this, and it's crap. Basically two chumps got the rights to the name and tried to make a buck.

The anthology starts with Alice, the story of a pain in the ass teenage girl who ends up in a different dimension every time her father tries to use his new remote control for the tv.  It's pretty gruesome since she gets horrible boils all over her body, but it's pretty stupid also.

Next up is The Radio, about a mild mannered security guard who lives in a dive where pimps and prostitutes dwell.  He buys a radio from a weirdo on the street, and the radio starts telling him what to do to improve his life.  No idea why he goes along with this since it has him climbing into abandoned buildings and stealing cardboard boxes filled with cash, but there you go. Just do what the sexy voiced radio says.

Third we get the Call Girl, who is also a serial killer.  She gets a call from a young man who turns out to be something other than he appears.

The Professors Wife is about an old professor visited by two former students, who he's invited to his upcoming wedding.  When they meet his fiancé, who is more than half his age, they aren't sure what to think.  But based on his work in robotics, and his penchant for pranks, they decide she must be a robot and set out to dismantle her.

Lastly, we have the Haunted Dog, which is the story of an arrogant, callous doctor who is doing community service at a free clinic.  On the way there, he gives a homeless man a hotdog that was dropped in the dirt. The man chokes on it, as the doctor ignores cries from passersby for a doctor. Soon the doc is seeing visions of the dead man offering him a hotdog.  Ooooo, isn't that scary boys and girls?

Well, it's obvious why this isn't well known. The characters are jerks and the stories aren't very good. They manage to have each tale intertwine by throwing characters into the background of other stories, making them overlap. But other than that sort of interesting schtick, it's a dud.

Alien 3000 (2004)

aka Unseen Evil 2

Alien 3000 sounds like a product that would be promoted on a late night infomercial, but alas, no such luck.  As I was watching the film, it seemed a bit familiar.  Then there was a flashback to a another movie and I realized I had inadvertently rented a sequel to the crappy movie, Unseen Evil. Notice it is being promoted under a complete different name....  Bah, I probably would have watched it at some point anyway but they definitely tricked me by using a different name.

Some twenty something friends find a treasure of gold, and are quickly killed by a creature that inhabits the cave - although not before getting a good laugh when a bat flies into the girls hair... because it's funny that your friends freak out over bats in their hair.  The viewer can enjoy that the bat appears to be on a string as it repeatedly bonks her on the head.

Next thing you know Kate is screaming and lying in hospital bed. Who is Kate? We're told she is the only survivor from a previous creature attack, which is confusing if you've seen the first film since she isn't played by the same actress. Heck, it's also confusing if you haven't seen the first film, since there are assumptions made that you'll know what the hell is going on.

Everyone believes Kate killed her friends, but the Paranormal Government Research Agency (PGRA) interviews her and asks her to bring them to the location where her friends were killed.  They have a military escort that is apparently made up of losers and rejects, who also happen to be incredibly unlikeable. As the movie goes on, it becomes obvious that no one on the trip believes Kates story. Seriously?  How bad off do you have to be when people who believe in paranormal activity won't believe you?

Why does the alien care when someone touches the Spanish gold in the cave?  How can two men survive a helicopter explosion without injury when they jump from the copter, then tuck and roll when they hit the ground? Why use flashbacks from the first film when the only character that's in both is played by a different actress?

Sometimes this type of film an be funny, or make you appreciate indie films that lack a budget but are well done.  Unfortunately this one does neither and is just crappy.  It's important to note that the alien on the cover bears no resemblance to the alien in the movie, which alternates between CGI and a guy in a monster suit.

If you look at the IMDB message boards for this film, you'll find postings by numerous people who claim to be investors in the film and that the production company ripped them off. Interesting. And when someone complained about the quality of the film, another person responded with,  "Dude, it has [Lorenzo] Lamas in it. You never buy a ticket... or pay to rent a movie with him in it."  Word.

If only their names were Danger and High Voltage

Is using a pencil to poke a creature a good scientific method?

No... no it's not

It's only a model.

Invisible Alien

Alien on an acid trip

Sometimes it's a guy in a monster suit....

...and sometimes it's CGI 

Helicopter blows up and crashes? Don't worry.
Just tuck and roll and you'll be fine.

Alien ship or pricker burr?

Yes, this is the door opening on an alien spaceship

More aliens? Yay!

Thor the Conquerer (1983)

When Thor's parents are murdered, he is raised by a mystic weirdo who can change into an owl.  Things seem to go okay until Thor is an adult, at which point he sees his first woman and is informed that women are things to play with that must obey you.  So basically, a weird guy with a costume out of Duran Duran's Wild Boys teaches our oiled up lunkhead that it's okay to rape women.  And old creepy is always watching when Thor brings women back to the cave. Ewwww...

After his first female conquest is killed, Thor decides to do some rambling and conquers another woman that he makes his plaything. Yeah, he sure is a swell guy.  Oddly enough when attacked by cannibals, his prisoner rescues him instead of running away, which earns Thors respect - or as much respect as any barbarian can have for a possession.

Thor is not a likable guy. He's kind of stupid, and believes the hype that he's going to rule the land, and it's okay to kill, steal and rape. He also has a terrible wig, or if that's his hair, he's in desperate need of conditioner.  There isn't much of a plot. So Thor wanders around getting in fights or looking at things. Then the weirdo owl mystic shows up, amazingly he doesn't smack his massive shoulder pads into the cave walls, and creepily watches Thor.

The Dragon Lives Again (1977)

aka Deadly Hands of Kung Fu

After Bruce Lee dies, he wakes up in a fancy cave with the King of the Underworld. To prove his power, the King shakes a pillar which causes an  earthquake and explains he could destroy the world if he desired.   You'd think that the Underworld was Hell but since the King says he can send Bruce to Hell if he messes with him, then I guess not.  What is the difference between the Underground and Hell, and why is Bruce here?  No idea.

Through exposition we're that even though he doesn't look like Bruce Lee, that is because when you die your face and your body change. There is no explanation offered for why everyone who sees him instantly recognizes he is Bruce Lee.

When Bruce goes to a restaurant for something to eat, he is set upon by the blind swordsman, Clint Eastwood, James Bond, and some guys in skeleton suits.  He is nursed back to health by an old man and his young innocent daughter.  So the Underworld is just the same as Earth, with restaurants owned by good people who are victimized by organized crime?

Meanwhile there is a plot to take overthrow the King and take control of the Underworld.  This is being done by Bond, Eastwood, the blind swordsman, the Godfather, the Exorcist, and Emmanuelle.  If they can't handle it, they also have the help of Dracula and his zombies (which turn out to be the guys in skeleton suits).  In order to take control, they must kill Bruce. I have no idea why since he isn't in charge, and if they'd just left him alone maybe everything would have gone smoothly.

Emmanuelle tries to seduce him, but is thwarted when Bruce sees the rest of the villains peeking through a curtain of beads on the other side of the cave.  Couldn't they have waited until she finished?  And why take him to the cave when the villains lounge is a short way down the corridor?  Like everything else in this movie, it makes no sense.

When the villains decide to make another attempt on Bruce's life, he gets help from his friends, the one armed swordsman, Kwai Chang Caine (from the TV series Kung Fu), and Popeye.  You heard me... Popeye, complete with little sailor hat and corncob pipe.  What the hell.

And when you think you've seen everything, here comes Dracula - enjoying a walk in the daytime  -with his zombies.  But then Bruce shows up dressed as Kato from the Green Hornet.  You think nothing can top that until a herd of mummies show up and play Ring Around the Rosy with Bruce in the middle.  And it doesn't spoil anything to tell you that the movie ends with Bruce floating up into the sky to go back to Earth. It makes no freakin' sense.

This is one of the strangest kung fu films I've ever seen.  The soundtrack has clips from Enter the Dragon, James Bond, Morricone westerns, and even a brief clip from Carl Douglas's song, Kung Fu Fighting.  Bruce's moves are named after his movies. There are posters of the real Bruce Lee covering the walls in one scene, which is awkward since we're watching fake Bruce.  There is a lot of talk about Bruce begin well endowed and popular with the women.  Surprisingly when Dracula and his zombies pin Bruce down, his third leg (which has a shoe on it) kicks Dracula in the face.

In the most tasteless bit in the movie, Bruce apologizes to his wife Linda for cheating on her so much.  Come on!  Imply what you want, movie, and do your questionable exploitation of the dead, but don't bring his widow into it.  That's not cool.

Oh and why is there a guy in a union suit wearing a dinosaur head and holding a spear in the Underworld?  That's just weird.


Ridiculous dialogue

Is there something wrong? You're weird.

woman 1: Are you sure it's Bruce Lee?
woman 2: It so happens when a person dies their face and their body undergo a change....

They're the Godfathers private body guards....one's James Bond and the other is Clint Eastwood.

Clint: Bastard. Where'd you come from?
Bruce: You talking to me? You want to learn something? You sure you want to?
Clint: I don't give a damn who you are.  But since you're here with us now and yet you did not say hello, well that means trouble.

Bond: Brother, this guy fancies himself as a fighter. What a stupid jerk.
Blind guy: Hey brother, I reckon the jerk is taking the mickey.  We better rub him out.....

Bruce: Uncle tell me straight up. Have I a chance of getting back to Earth?

Man1: Here's hoping you become the King soon.
Man 2: Haha, thank you, but let's not count ze chickens.

Man 1: .... but then you are afraid of Bruce Lee.
Man 2: That's right. That's right. I really think he'll cause trouble.
Clint: Hahaha wah.  Why the hell are you worrying? We're all here, aren't we? That's enough. What's more, we have Dracula and he can summon up all those zombies to help us too.

God damn bastard! You're annoying my King!  And now that I'm here to protect him, I'm going to boot you in the ass!  You're gonna get yours, punk!

Proof that when you die your body and face change.

What the hell is going on with the guy in red
long johns wearing a dinosaur head?

Clint Eastwood and James Bond

Why are they called zombies when they dress as skeletons? 

Kwai Chang Kaine, Bruce Lee and... Popeye?

Meanwhile in the villains underground cave headquarters... 

That awkward scene where there's a poster of the real
Bruce Lee behind you while you're pretending to be Bruce

Dracula enjoying some sunshine

Zombies vs. Kato

Dracula's claws heading towards Kato's nether region...

...and he's taken out by the Third Leg of Bruce

They ran out of movie titles and came up with this

There's no consistency in the mummy suits

So.... that's different

Looks like the gym class is out of control

Ring Around the Rosey