Friday, December 25, 2015

Death From Beyond 2: Eternal Damnation (2008)

Okay the description for this film says, "Nefratis, the demon princess of Egypt, has reincarnated in the 21st century as Marcia; a young archaeologist.  When a film crew decides to film in Marcia's apartment, they must control their own lustful urges before they become the next victims of the demon princess that murdered her way into our century from a fiery grave in ancient Egypt."  Uh, what?

I don't think that was the movie I just watched. I don't remember a film crew or a young archaeologist. All I remember is tons of primitive CGI, generic music, numerous things that make no sense, and long scenes with no dialogue.  Oh and Nazi's, strange half skeletons that flit around while holding swords, and a hero that resembles George Constanza.

Based on the credits, one man is to answer for this. James Panetta is listed in the credits as: lead actor; director, producer; executive producer; costume designer; editor; casting director; cinematographer; and special effects editor.  Sure, when you do indie movies, you have to take on more roles in production. But there is also a correlation to the number of times a name appears in the credits, and how bad the movie turns out.

Some of the things to watch for (if you can make it through this overly long movie):

  • walls painted to look like stone
  • backgrounds made of fabric
  • tons of horrendous CGI
  • in the hospital hallway, a man in a suit and tie is asking a nurse questions about a patient and seems to have no knowledge of his condition. I thought he was a reporter until suddenly he tells the nurse to, "get in there and check his IV."  
  • blood pouring from a woman's mouth as she is held aloft by her neck, but no blood on the floor beneath her
  • a woman who finds her door open at night and looks around for who did it - yet the viewer can see someone run across the front lawn, from right to left
  • characters who don't move when something deadly is flying at their head
  • Berlin 1945 - it may seem like a viable option to use CGI background for this... but it's not
  • a musical interlude which rips off Floyd the Barber by Nirvana
  • people spending a lot of time shrugging, smiling, looking confused, sneering, looking evil, all while generic music plays
  • tons of scenes with no dialogue (and bad CGI just can't support the lack of dialogue)
  • awkward squats with a sword, while trying to take a threatening fighting stance

Cringe worthy dialogue:

"So I take it Charlies Not So Angels are no longer with us?"

Think anyone will notice the blanket walls,
or the nails and plywood painted like stone pillars? 
Get ready for a lot of this
Copyrighted material has been blurred for your protection
This is how she tried to escape the CGI screwdriver
Blanket walls should never be in your movie unless you're 10
Neon swastikas for the Nazis
George Costanza is ready for action
Your sister preparing for the local Rennaisance Festival
Someone needs to pay more attention to lighting
They've ramped up the CGI
Your heroes?  No, it's your neighbors LARPing in the barn.
Nothing to see here. Move along.

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