Acts of Death (2007)

aka The Final Curtain

Theater students sneak into the campus theater to have the lamest party ever. They plan to initiate the new girl, which consists of slipping her a mickey and date rape. As if that isn't mind boggling horrible enough, the date rapists girlfriend video tapes the assault, which goes horribly wrong and the girl ends up dead. Stupidly enough they choose to do get rid of the body. The next day the group are asked to stay for a late rehearsal and start getting picked off by an unknown killer stalking the halls.

The one thing going for it is that it has Reggie Banister, of Phantasm fame, as the night security guard. The pacing is absolutely tedious, the acting isn't very good, the characters are annoying and unlikable, and the ending is a long way to go for nothing. Plus there are plot developments thrown into the last few minute of the film that make you wonder if perhaps they didn't know how to end it, or realized that the ending made no sense so they threw this in.

In the Spider's Web (2007)

A group of people are camping and hiking in the jungle for reasons that are never fleshed out and their relationship, if any, is never explained. But their guide is an idiot and so are they as they sleep on the jungle floor without tents, blankets, or netting for bugs. Surprisingly enough they do not encounter any problems with this until the last night of their trip when one of the women is bitten by a spider.

The group determines that they can not get her back to the nearest town before she dies and decide to try to find a legendary white doctor who supposedly lives nearby in the forrest. Yes, if I'm ever bitten by a spider, I'd prefer my friends to randomly wander through the dense jungle trying to find a rumored doctor in a hut rather than get me to an actual town that they know exists.

They stumble a across the doctor living with a tribe and while he tends to the woman, three of the group head back to town to find some help. The other two stay with the doctor, but while out exploring run across a cave which houses not only loads of cgi spiders but the doctor's secret.

Please enjoy the spiders on strings, or as we liked to call them, the yo-yo spiders.

Star Slyderz (2005)

This is one of those films you'll either think is great or completely stupid. Part satire and part sophomoric humor, it looks like a kids space show right out of the 1980s, complete with catchy theme song. In fact, I thought my friends had told me this was filmed in the mid 80s and I wouldn't have known different with the costumes and sets looking the way they did, other than the copyright info. What a fantastic job these guys did on a zero budget. It's a truly bizarre film and thankfully there are no cgi monsters.

The story follows Captain Johnny Taylor, whose father Jason was killed while Captain of the first Star Slyderz. The president asks Johnny and the Star Sliderz crew to rescue his daughter from the clutches of Gorgon, an evil space criminal who plans to destroy the earth. Making the mission even more important is that Johnny's father was killed by Gorgon's right hand man, Mortikai. Oh yeah, and I should mention that this is a musical, but in the best possible way.

Neon Maniacs (1986)

Teenagers partying in the park are killed by a group of mutated maniacs. Contrary to the title, they do not glow brightly, but the neon refers to their bodily fluids as they glop they leave behind in neon.

Natalie, the lone survivor of the attack, tells the police what happened but they don't believe her. In fact, none of the parents of the missing kids believe her either. Everyone keeps saying it must be a prank. Yeah, what a great joke. Hey gang, let's all disappear and have Natalie tell everyone we were slaughtered. We'll all have a good laugh over that one.

The only person who actually believes Natalie is Paula, a junior high student who is into monster movies. In a disturbing casting move, Paul appears to be close to thirty even though she is playing a kid, which is symbolized by her baseball hat being slightly askew. It's also odd to see a horror movie loving kid to film a vampire movie during the day.

When Natalie won't talk to Paula, she takes it upon herself to go to the murder scene and try to get some footage of the killers.
She tracks the monsters to under the Golden Gate Bridge and using her movie camera, (which would have been an out of the ordinary thing for a kid to have in 1986), she attempts to film them but is seen by the monsters and has to flee. But not before discovering that their Achilles heel is water.

Natalie starts dating delivery boy Steve and the two end up teaming up with Paula as the maniacs keep trying to kill Natalie. Their brilliant idea is to try to dispatch the monsters at the battle of the bands Halloween dance at the high school where Steve is singing his horrible songs.

This goes horribly wrong as everyone is in costume and by the time they see the maniacs, it's too late and there is a panic with everyone forgetting to use their water pistols on the creatures. This leads to the police finally considering what Natalie has to say seriously. I'm not going to say more than that, except that this is one of those movies that has no real resolution and I'm not sure if they just couldn't figure out how to end it, or were preparing the way for a possible sequel.

Burst City (1982)

aka Bakuretsu Toshi

In Japan of the future, which looks like the barren post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max, punk bands live in abandoned factories and come together at night for drag racing and music. Add to this a biker with metal chest plate and his mute sidekick in a sidecar, plus some yakuza taking over the neighborhood and using gangs as forced labor. Oh you just know that's not going to go well.

The box has a synposis, but quite honestly I couldn't follow any sort of plot while watching it. Don't expect it to make sense and don't expect there to be any resolution. I did enjoy the bands, especially the Battle Rockers with their amusingly titled "Wild Supermarket". If you want more info on the film, I'd recommend reading about it either at KFC Cinema or Midnight Eye, both great Japanese cinema sites.

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

I like Jack Black. I think he's funny. But why does he have to make such crappy movies? In this one, Jack plays Jerry who ends up magnetized when he tries to sabotage the electrical station next to his garage. His magnetism accidentally erases all the tapes in the video store where he hangs out.

Once his friend Mike, who is taking care of the store while the owner is away, figures out what has happened, he and Jerry remake Ghostbusters as the woman checking in on them wants to rent it. They can't find he film on vhs in any other rental store in town, and she'll tell the owner they messed up if they can't provide the movie.

There are some funny scenes in the movie and the remakes are funny, but overall it's a generic big budget comedy with a cliched ending. Another disappointment and a reason I try to avoid mainstream films. This is another in the type of film I would call good background noise for a Sunday afternoon spent cleaning the house.

Life Without Dick (2002)

I was flipping around the channels on basic cable when I saw Sarah Jessica Parker killing that dumbass Johnny Knoxville. That made me very happy, so I continued watching. Harry Connick Jr. plays an accountant whose Irish mobster brother-in-law promotes him to hitman because he seems unhappy in his job as an accountant. But since he hasn't even made one hit in the year that he's been a hitman, it all comes down to his current assignment, which is to kill local PI Knoxville who is also Parker's boyfriend, and Connick likes Parker.

I hate to admit it, but I got sucked into this comedy of errors and watched the entire thing. It's not that great a movie. In fact, the comedy falls flat, but it's an okay Sunday afternoon movie and I'm sure many women would enjoy hearing Harry Connick Jr. sing Danny Boy. I wouldn't rent it, but if I was looking for mindless entertainment while I was doing something else, I'd let it play in the background.

Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)

aka Bloodsuckers
In the future, there are space vampires, so there is a need for Vampire Sanitation (V-SAN), who responds to distress calls and kills whatever vampires are running amuck. They have a five man team, which includes good vampire Quintana (who can smell other vampires) and rookie Damien.

There are three types of vampires named Voorhees, Leatherfaces, and Nosferati, plus a new species which turns out to be a little phallic worm that inhabits a host in order to track and feed on humans. The worm is unintentionally hysterical when Quintana interrogates it, and when it's huge mouth let's out a girly scream, you'll die laughing.

It's not a very good movie, but it is fun to watch as there are plenty of ridiculous moments, lots of Alien ripoffs, and bad dialogue.

The Hitcher (2007)

Two college students heading off for the weekend with friends, almost hit a man on a deserted stretch of road in New Mexico.  As it is pouring out, Jim thinks they should give him a ride, but Grace thinks that is a bad idea.  

They meet up with the man at a truck stop down the road and when he asks Jim for a ride into town, Jim feels obliged to help.  Unfortunately Grace's feelings were correct as the man turns out to be a psycho who torments them until they are able to throw him out of the car.

Even though they are unnerved, they end up pulling off the road to sleep and the next day are passed by a family in a station wagon, who are giving the same psycho a ride.  They crash their car trying to warn the family, and stumble upon the poor family later, who have become victims. Driving the family's car to a truck stop to ask for help, they are arrested for the murders. 

The original Hitcher movie scared me, but this one didn't have the same effect.  I didn't feel the tension the first movie had.  Plus the characters did some really stupid things.  If a psycho killer and the police are after you, would you really feel comfortable enough to get naked and take a long shower?  This killing machine keeps showing up everywhere they go, yet they aren't concerned about being naked and vulnerable.

Black Heat (1976)

Anyone who buys this dvd for the cover is going to be sorely disappointed as neither person pictured is in the movie due to this being a 1976 Al Adamson blaxploitation flick.  

It seems to me they should market the cover towards someone who might actually want to see it, rather than those who will be totally alienated once they see what they've purchased.  I wouldn't take a second look at this cover.  The original poster art is much better and let's you know exactly what you're getting.  Personally I hate updated cover art as it is always worse than the original and is completely generic.

Kicks Carter and Tony are after two local bad guys, Guido and Ziggy.  Carter's reporter girlfriend carries around a movie camera which takes up a huge portion of the front seat of her car.  Tony's girlfriend has a gambling problem which gets worse after his death in a car crash engineering by Ziggy.

There is an incredibly bad lounge song called "No More Mail Until Tomorrow", and yes the lyrics are as bad as the title leads you to believe.  

There are also several misspellings in the film, such as the "Neigbor" Hood Pool, or the boxes marked "amuniton".

Not one of the better movies of this type, especially since it is noted in the liner notes that the movie had two different opening reels so that it could play in two types of theaters, either as Girls Hotel (naughty girls getting in trouble), or Black Heat, (action blaxploitation flick).  

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Paleoclimatologist Jack Hall warns the vice president of the coming danger due to global warming and his recent experiences on an ice flow. But does the VP listen to Jack? No, of course not. Granted, Jack said there would be catastrophic destruction within a thousand years, but how was he to know his timing would be off by a thousand years and the global destruction had already started. Um, well, yes, I guess his credibility does come into question, doesn't it.

Jack's son Sam, played by Jake Gyllenhaal - who looks way too old to be in high school - has gone to New York for a scholastic endeavor, which places him in the middle of disaster as New York is about to be hit by a tidal wave, followed by temperatures so cold that gasoline freezes.

When Sam and his friends hole up with other survivors in the NYC Library, Jack tells him to stay inside and he'll come get him. Jack and his two co-workers head off in a pick up truck to rescue Sam, which prompts the question, how are they going to fit everyone in the cab? And more importantly, what kind of crappy rescue is this?

It's an interesting and scary premise, but there are too many questions that arise, such as:

• how was Jack able to sink his ice ax into the glass roof of a building?
• if continuous exposure to the outside air temperature is deadly, then why does Jack think he'll succeed with a pick up truck, snowshoes, and a tent?
• if the storm is covering the northern US and Washington DC has already been written off, then how can Jack make it to Manhattan when he's walking?
• wouldn't wolves go after easier prey, such as the sickly or recently deceased?
  
• why the wolves?  Wasn't the global destruction enough?
• does there always need to be a sassy homeless man in movies that take place in New York?
• why does the statue of Liberty look so small compared to the size of Jack?
• if light showing beneath the door, then shouldn't the cold air have been able to get in and freeze everything in the room, even with a fire going?
• how did Jack get in touch with anyone once he was in Manhattan since the cell phones didn't get any signal and the pay phones were frozen under water?

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

I was disappointed in this film. The trailer was very well done and the description on the dvd went along with the trailer in making it seem like the movie was about the difficulty of high school and the lead character having a girlfriend who he was trying not to eat. Perhaps I am too literal, but that really wasn't what was going on in the movie. Maybe if I'd never seen the trailer I would have been better off.

Nathan wants to date his friend Jessica, but hasn't gotten the nerve to tell her. When she doesn't show up to meet him, he sees her out with the school sleaze and his heart is broken. Unfortunately he doesn't realize she has been trying to find Nathan and only accepted a ride home due to the downpour.

Nathan goes home, seeks solace in alcohol, and places a noose around his neck. In another unfortunate event, his mom chooses to walk through the door to turn down his music and Nathan expires. But not for long as mom has a book on rituals to restore life and Nathan is back on his feet again.... unfortunately the book is missing some pages and Nathan has been resurrected as one of the undead. This is the start of the zombie plague that breaks out in town after Nathan bites the ear off the high school bully at the school dance.

I'm not sure if I should wait a few months and watch it again, or if it's just an average movie. I was expecting something really different after the way the trailer portrayed it. So disappointing, but perhaps if you don't have expectations, it's okay.

Superbad (2007)

During the beginning of the movie, I was wondering why this was supposed to be so funny. I'm not into crude teenage boy humor where they talk about sex and girls in graphic detail that teenage girls would be horrified to be mentioned. However, once the plotline involving the fake id and the party started, the vulgarity was put aside for the most part and I actually thought the movie was funny.

Seth and Evan, best friends forever, are about to graduate from high school and have gotten into different colleges. When Seth's partner doesn't show up for their home economics class, he is paired with Jules, a girl he is interested in, who invites him to a party she is having that night. Seth and Evan haven't been invited to a single party during high school. They're excited to go, especially when Evan finds out Becca, the girl he has a crush on, will be at the party.

When their friend Fogell says he's getting a fake id, Seth tells Jules that he has a fake id. When she asks him to pick up the alcohol for the party, he agrees. The story really gets going once Seth, Evan, and Fogell meet up outside the liquor store. From there it's chaos and the goal of providing alcohol as well as getting to the party are in jeopardy.

If you can get past the crude beginning and overlook the weak ending, it's got some good laughs and is worth seeing.

Burial Ground (1981)

aka Le Notti del Terrore

I decided to watch this film because the vhs cover art is great and it was released on Vestron Video. Little did I know this was the same movie I saw years ago in a local theater that was on it's way out, and was a film that completely creeped me out, not so much due to zombies but rather to the incestuous freaky little boy, Michael.

The movie begins when a professor exploring a crypt awakens the undead, which prompts the ridiculous line "I'm your friend" as the zombies converge upon him. Cut to some upper class couples jaunting off for the weekend at a villa and to meet the professor - yes, the same professor who has just been eaten by zombies. Needless to say their choice of holiday plans goes very badly.

The couples cavort about the estate and then the undead begin to rise. It takes the couples a little while to figure this out as they are too busy making out. When they decide they must get back to the house, one of the girls ends up getting her foot caught in a bear trap. No, I'm not kidding. Even better, once they pry her leg out of the trap, the skin isn't even broken. It's just slightly discolored.

After they free her from the trap, they are able to get inside before the zombies get them. Unfortunately the couple in the basement are not so lucky and the husband is consumed. The mother and freaky little Michael manage to escape and meet up with the others.

The group tries to figure out how to keep the zombies out, but they aren't too bright. At one point, they even postulate that the zombies might not actually be after them, so why not let them into the house.

The film is ridiculous and disturbing. The dubbing is bad, especially when it comes to Michael as he appears to have been dubbed by an adult trying to sound like a child. The actor who plays Michael is obviously not a child, which is possibly because I don't think it would be legal to do what the incestuous plot requires. Yup, he's really creepy.

Days of Darkness (2007)

A meteor that looks like a vertebra hits the earth and people start turning into zombies. A group of survivors hole up in a bunker on top of a hill and try to formulate a plan for survival. One of the woman is a porn star and talks repeatedly about it, which makes you pray the zombies will soon eat her.

While there are zombies outside the compound, what the survivors discover is that the meteor also had some sort of alien life form which incubates in the zombie host. This leads to a really disgusting scene, which I must confess was original. I've never seen an alien sack that made me so squeamish.

The characters are annoying and the explanation as to why this particular group did not turn into zombies is incredibly lame. Also if you're looking for zombie action, there's not much. The carnage that does occur is due to the stupidity of the characters, so you don't feel sorry for them.

Angel of Death (2002)

aka Semana Santa

Mira Sorvino walks around looking sad while trying to solve the murder of twins. Along with her partners, she investigates an attack and slayings by a man in a red pointy hood, who appears to be part of a secret society.

The murders bring her in contact with an old woman who confides the story of her youth, which involves the atrocities of war and trauma. The information she provides about her youth is helpful in the murders the cops are investigating.

I found the film barely interesting enough to keep watching, but not horrible enough to mock.

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Virginia is one of the school's top ten, the popular students. Unfortunately her friends are starting to disappear, which the film reveals is due to murder. Virginia is a little on the nervous side, which turns out to be due to emotional trauma from a car accident when she was younger in which her mother was killed.

As her friends disappear, Virginia starts to have blackouts. She begins dating one of the top ten who is such a total jerk that you wish he would die. The question becomes is Virginia killing her friends or is it someone else that knows them. Glenn Ford has a small role as Virginia's psychiatrist and Melissa Sue Anderson does a nice job as Virginia.

The film has a twist ending and is a good 80s slasher.

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Ariel and Paul are kidnapped by thieves who believe she knows where the statue of Baphomet resides in the evil haunted house her sister was trapped inside years earlier. Inside the house they run into the Professor who has spent years of his life trying to locate the statue. Stupidly enough, they all show up in the evening, the house goes into lock down and they can not escape it's evil clutches.

They split up and search for the statue, causing members of the group to be picked off by the ghosts that inhabit the building, all of whom seem to have been abused by Dr. Vannacutt, played by the always interesting Jeffrey Combs. The group of criminals have no common sense and any intellect or self preservation is put on hold due to the potential riches they will get by finding the statue.

There are some ridiculous Indiana Jones type scenes and you will not believe how stupid some of these characters can be. Hey, I'm in the basement of a haunted house in lockdown, but two naked young women have shown up out of nowhere and want to get make out? No problem there, let's go! Yeah, no synapses firing in that brain.

Dead and Deader (2006)

Anytime the cover to a movie says "Dean Cain" and "best zombie movie so far this year" you've got to make the assumption that either they are lying, or the movie was released on January 2nd.

Lt. Bobby Quinn and his unit are blown up on a mission. Quinn wakes up in the morgue and finds that he is, by all medical analysis, dead and there is a strange little scorpion under his skin. He manages to remove the scorpion before it turns him into a zombie, but the rest of his unit are not so fortunate and run amuck, killing indiscriminately. Quinn is a responsible leader and feels he must make sure his unit is contained before they infect the entire region.

Turns out the scorpions are a government experiment (aren't they always) done by a rogue scientist who has cancer and is trying to develop a way to keep from dying. As usual, top secret experiments go terribly wrong and everyone dies. Booo! Bad movie, bad movie!!

Hood of Horror (2006)

Snoop Dogg is the glue holding this anthology of short stories together by narrating the set up in which all the protagonists learn a lesson, which is of course too late and they all go crashing straight to cartoon hell. The twist endings are easy to figure out and the characters all deserve what they get.

You'll feel like you've been watching it for ten hours by the time the first segment is over. The most interesting and unique part of the whole film is death by beer bottle through the skull. It ends up looking like a bloody party hat sitting on the guy's head. Ick!

Day of the Dead (2008)

A virus accidentally unleashed in a small town in Colorado turns people into zombies while the Army tries to quarantine the area and keep it from spreading. The local hospital is overrun, as are the main roads, and the few survivors try to find a way to safely escape from the hordes of fast running zombies.

While the survivors keep their wits for the most part, there are a few moments designed to add suspense where they do things totally out of character. This may also be the only movie to have a vegetarian zombie in it.

I'm not sure why people remake movies, especially when generally they make a worse version of whatever they are re-making. I suppose this has a bigger budget than the original, but unless you prefer the running zombies, stick to the original 1985 version.

Sunshine (2007)

The Icaris II is Earth's last hope at survival. Their mission is to deliver a nuclear blast to the dying sun, thus saving mankind. Eight years prior, the Icaris I disappeared on the same mission, so the crew is single minded in their intent to complete their task.

As the story plays out, there is suddenly a distress beacon, which turns out to be from the first ship. At this, the crew divides on whether to change course to intercept the ship, or continue towards the sun. While some argue that they should not deviate course as failure means the Earth dies, others state that the other ship will give them two chances to jump start the sun - which makes me question why in the eight years since the previous ship disappeared why they didn't come up with a better plan.

From this point on, the crew is divided and problem after problem confronts them. The slow pacing runs through more than half the movie before a new subplot changes the whole tone of the film, and annoyed me as it seems the obvious solution was overlooked. When all was said and done, I found myself unsure as to what to think of this film.

The Super Inframan (1975)

All I can say is wow! The sets and costumes are amazing, even if the story is only marginal. It's like the Hong Kong version of Sid and Marty Krofft.

The movie is full of odd monsters, a skeleton army wearing motorcycle helmets, an evil demon princess set on conquering the world, and a few kids - who in typical monster movie fashion - know about top secret military experiments.

Princess Dragon Mom starts her destruction in a bid to take over the world, which causes a top scientist to get a volunteer that he can make into Inframan - the only being who can save the earth. There is some very silly dialogue and scenes, but the monsters and scenery are fantastic.

Today You Die (2005)

If there's one thing Steven Seagal movies have a soft spot for, it's the children. He's always bonding with, rescuing, or comforting a child. I guess it just goes to show that even though he kills everyone who gets in his way, he's just a good guy at heart.

As Harlan Banks and his wife drive down the Las Vegas strip to his new job and new life, they drive by the St. Thomas Children's Hospital, which has a "Going Out of Business" sign plastered on it. As they sadly stare, a little pathetic girl bundled up in a wheelchair is pushed down the front walk in slow-motion. Wow, can there be anymore heartfelt than a going out of business sale on sick kids?

Harlan has been hired to drive an armored truck, in what he believes is a legitimate business, but instead turns out to be a heist. Wouldn't it have been better to get someone who was in on the deal? The cops seem to have been tipped off, and Harlan must drive like a madman to elude them. He's got no idea that it was a robbery and he doesn't even know where they are supposed to go.

After being sent to jail, Harlan has lots of time to figure out how to get back at the bastards who set him up. He also befriends the urban gang leader, which seems to be a reoccurring Seagal movie cliche. As with all later Seagal films, he's huge and his hair looks like black straw. Seriously, what is up with the way it sticks straight out in the back? It's very disturbing.

Sasquatch Hunters (2005)

Rangers guide a group of scientists into the woods to search for a gorilla skeleton which they hope will lead to the discovery of a new species. A bone that they found matched a mystery bone from the 1800s, so they rounded up this expedition, even though the lead scientist says perhaps a gorilla escaped from the zoo.... yeah, that sounds plausible.

After being forced to stop for the night, the group finds a bunch of graves, a huge bone matching the one they already have, and the carcass of a bear high in a tree. Yet no one seems alarmed that perhaps whatever killed the bear also dug the graves and probably lives near by.

When a ranger named Spencer disappears, the group starts to get concerned. But not enough to stop them from giving his sister Janet a sleeping pill... in the middle of the woods at night with a potential killer animal on the loose. It's also a mystery as to how Janet got to be a ranger as she is a total wreck and not the sort of person you would want to rely on for anything important like your life.

The lead scientist wants to stick around to gather evidence and report on his find. As it usually is in cases like this, it is a very bad idea. Another bad idea is the CGI sasquatch that looks good in the distance, but is obviously not even with the actors in the shots. There is an amusing moment when the digital camera of one scientist is found with a photo of the sasquatch on it. Yes, that is a lovely "photo" of the CGI bigfoot. She may as well have taken a picture of a Captain Caveman cartoon.

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)

Lisa and Sam are a young couple who buy a fixer upper, ride a motorcycle, and take off their clothes. Everything is great until the end of the opening scene, in which a quick cut to "three years later" reveals that Sam has become paralyzed from a motorcycle accident and is very bitter about life.

Lisa has hired lawyer and friend Steven to sue the company that made the faulty parts for Sam's bike. But Steven wants a relationship with Lisa. After they accidentally release the Djinn, Steven becomes the face that the Djinn wears as he tries to make Lisa love him.

Sam is so bitter at life and mad at Lisa, who has taken care of him for three years, that you just want the Djinn to bludgeon Sam over the head and put him out of his misery. The end of the movie is not an ending at all as Lisa walks out of their house, looks around, and walks off screen. Huh? But what about.... who's going to...I don't... oh nevermind.

Hot Fuzz (2007)

Sgt. Nicholas Angel is the best policeman on the force. In fact he's so good that he makes the rest of the force look bad by comparison, which is why he is transferred to a small town in the middle of nowhere. After irritating the townfolk and local police with his zealous enforcement of the law, Nicholas realizes that the death of two local actors is not what it seems. While the rest of the town is content to write it off as an accident, Nicholas starts an investigation that leads him - as well as his over eager, action movie enthusiast partner Danny - into uncovering some strange goings on in town.

Not a movie I was interested in watching, it ended up surprising me as I really enjoyed it and would even watch it again. It is similar in style and humor to Shaun of the Dead, which isn't surprising since it was written by and starring the same people. It also features a really interesting death that I have never seen in another film.

Dominique is Dead (1979)

There's spooky stuff going on in their mansion and Dominique believes her husband David is trying to drive her insane. After her death, David starts wondering if he's going mad himself as he keeps seeing Dominique in the house and outside his office. The twist ending answers the question of whether Dominique is truly dead and whether the supernatural inhabits the home. Not a particularly original film, it's similar to Gaslight and countless other driving the spouse insane plots.

Fiend (1980)

An alien energy reanimates a corpse who rises from the grave, kills a couple, buys a house, gets a car, feeds his cat, opens a music academy, and teaches violin. Honestly, is there a more bizarre concept for a film? What sort of reanimated corpse is going to buy a house or teach violin? And where did he get the money to purchase the home in the first place?

The corpse, who goes by the name of Mr. Longfellow, has to kill to keep his body from deteriorating. He strangles women in the neighborhood and glows red when he's committing these crimes. He spends all his time down in the basement rec room. In the other half of the basement, there is a little area where he keeps a knife in fancy box and slashes photographs of his victims.

Mr. Kender, his next door neighbor, suspects something is off with Longfellow, especially after a little girl is murdered behind their home. When Longfellow needs to kill, he starts looking waxy and his eyelids get all droopy which is yucky.

While the story is ridiculous, the film is actually well done, nicely edited and another good attempt by Don Dohler.

AVP Aliens vs Predator Requiem

A spaceship filled with alien hatchling specimens crash lands on Earth unleashing the hatchlings on a small town. Aliens run amuck in town as a Predator arrives to take control of the creatures that killed his friend.

The townsfolk don't get any character development, so it's hard to remember anyone's name. But since they're all stereotypes, you can remember them that way. There's the ex-con, sheriff, younger brother, pizza guy, army mom, little girl, asshole jock, and hot chick.

As the slaughter of the townspeople rages on, a small group bands together to try to survive, and must decide whether to follow the Army's instructions to go to the center of town for an evacuation or to head to the hospital in hopes of using their chopper to escape. Guess which is the better idea.

Blood Sisters (1987)

A sorority initiation calls for pledges to spend a night in a house that has been closed for thirteen years due to multiple murders that took place within. The local fraternity has rigged what they call pranks inside the haunted brothel to test the bravery of the sorority pledges as they compete on a scavenger hunt. Oddly enough, this is the only movie I remember where the pledge master is actually concerned for the pledges safety and considers calling off the hazing ritual.

The movie has ghost prostitutes, the couple who decides to have sex in the haunted house, and a geeky girl with glasses straight out of Scooby Doo. Her glasses are knocked off her face at a key moment in the ghost activity and she blindly moves around with her arms outstretched in front of her.

Murder Mansion (1972)

Stranger's lost in what the description called "a thick and leering fog" - how in the world does fog leer?! - end up stranded in an old mansion at the edge of a cemetery. The young woman who owns the home invites them to stay the night and spooky things happen.

There are numerous flashbacks to events you wont' care about, a creepy lady, her hulking driver, and a twist ending that will generally elicit a response of "oh..."

Final Payback (2001)

Richard Grieco is Joey Randall, an ex cop who who is having an affair with his former Captain's wife, who is murdered while he sleeps downstairs. Randall becomes a suspect as not only is he observed fleeing the scene, but he also accidentally grabs in the murder weapon by the handle.

Randall goes on the run and becomes involved with his ex-girlfriend who is soon to be married. Randall's only friend, a former junkie, is worked over by a corrupt cop played by Martin Kove. Grieco is very puffy and does not look healthy. He looks nothing like the picture on the cover, and I don't even think the girl on the cover is in the film.

Blood Mania (1970)

Groovy hipster Dr. Craig Cooper is providing care to a rich old guy who's sleazy daughter Victoria likes to walk around wearing see-through dresses. When Victoria finds out Cooper is being black mailed by an old friend, she decides to give him the money, which she'll have once daddy dies. If she hastens his death along, then perhaps she can get what she desires, which is Cooper.

Victoria's younger sister Gail, who has a massive bouffant, goes to the county fair with Cooper. Gail is young and vapid. Cooper is old and bulky. They look like father and daughter, not a couple, which makes it a bit creepy.

After an incredibly long, long, long montage of their day, Cooper returns Gail to the house where Victoria witnesses them kissing and goes crazy - thus beginning both the blood and the mania referenced in the title.

The Sickhouse (2007)

An old plague hospital in London is set to be demolished as authorities are concerned that there might be remnants of sickness inside that could start another epidemic. But archaeologist Anna doesn't care about the public's health, so she breaks into the hospital to finish her work and finds a secret tunnel which holds a small box.

Anna believes that there is evidence in the hospital that plague doctors working at the hospital killed children. The doctors are wearing hoods to protect them from the plague, and look like something out of Mad Magazine's Spy vs. Spy. Either that or like they have giant chicken heads, either of which can be creepy and stupid at the same time.

You can tell Anna is an archaeologist because she uses a brush on whatever she's working on. But she's not a very good one because she tends to use a pick ax on whatever is in her way and she doesn't use any safety precautions when entering the tunnel. When she opens the box she found, a blue mist comes out, unleashing evil within the hospital.

At the same time in a subplot that will soon come crashing into the storyline, four teenagers steal a car and joyride around the city while taking drugs. The completely annoying group look quite a bit older than the teens they supposedly portray, and it is not obvious until the plot points arise that one is deaf and one is pregnant. When they run over someone in the road and crash the car, they end up hiding in the very hospital that Anna is working in.

When the deaf Clive is attacked by a plague doctor, everyone goes nuts until Anna happens upon them and takes charge. Unfortunately her idea of taking charge is to offer plague boy a glass of water from the plague hospital water supply. Um, if they are demolishing the building, might the water also be unsafe? Then she tells them they need to get as far away from Clive as possible so as to keep from catching the plague.

Her other brilliant ideas are placing old plaguey Clive in a metal cage to keep him safe - How? How can that possibly keep him safe in anyway? - and sending the pregnant girl to check on him. Geez, out of everyone there, wouldn't the pregnant one be the last person who should check on him? How ridiculous!

The movie tops itself by having an ending which causes complete confusion and makes no more sense than anyone's actions throughout the film.

Rambo III (1988)

Once again John Rambo is approached by Trautman to help with a mission in Afghanistan. But Rambo is living peacefully in Thailand helping monks build a monestary and raising money for them via brutal fighting in arenas.

When Trautman is captured, Rambo decides to go in and rescue him. He heads into the desert, plays a game involving a dead goat, and ends up at the camp where Trautman is being held. Helping him are an Afghan guide and a boy who wants revenge as his family was killed in a raid on their camp.

There are subtitles for background chatter while Rambo makes his way through the camp setting bombs. It makes no sense to subtitle anything as none of it is relevant to the plot. If these were not there, it wouldn't make a difference. Much of the time, the camera is on Rambo, while there is a subtitle on a voice in the background saying something about how it's almost time to get something to eat. It doesn't matter. Yet, when the soldiers are yelling at Trautman or other captives, there often isn't a translation. Wouldn't that be the point where they should include that?

As in most Rambo movies, eventually he kills everything within reach.

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)

19 year old Hannah goes to children of the corn country to find her mother, who she's never met. The desolate town contains not only info on her mother, but Isaac who promptly wakes up from the coma he's been in for nineteen years. His followers see this as the first sign of the prophecy where the first son and first daughter must have a child.

Stacy Keach stars as the town doctor and Nancy Allen stars as Hannah's mother. He Who Walks Behind the Rows - a name that is scary and stupid at the same time - puts in an appearance later in the film.

And in case you missed that it was twelve o'clock, ten million clocks ring to hit the point home.

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

A construction worker opens a coffin containing a dog with a stake through his heart. The idiot pulls out the stake, thus awakening Dracula's dog, whose eyes glow in the dark.

The dog and Dracula's servant Igor travel to the US to find a descendant of the Count as they need a master to serve. Igor drives a hearse with a big bat on the back window, not discreet at all.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976)

Aloha High School's cheerleaders run wild and are completely unlikable. They have sex in the school hallways, in front of teachers, and in the locker rooms. One girl makes out with a guy's butt while he's at work as an ice cream clerk making a lady a banana split. There are boobs and untanned butts flying everywhere, plus David Hasselhoff as a basketball star named Boner.

Every once in a while the cheerleaders and basketball team break into an ungainly song and dance number, which is embarrassing for all the participants.

The girls dose the school lunch with drugs on the day state inspectors are visiting, while the principal hopes to close the school and open a mall. It's mayhem and naked people everywhere, starring a bunch of cheerleading jerks.

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

Break dancers Ozone and Turbo team up with rich girl Kelly - whose dad doesn't like Kelly wasting her life dancing with the lower class - to save the neighborhood youth center, Miracles, which is about to be demolished by a corrupt business man who wants the land to build a shopping mall.

Will the break dancers save their neighborhood? Will they win the dance off against that rival dancing gang? Will they get the hell off the ceiling? And will the rich girl's father learn that just because someone has no money, dresses odd, and dances to the rhythm of the street doesn't mean he is a conman after rich people's money?

If you're looking for a cliche in action, you've got it:

• neighborhood bands together to fight evil industrialist
• rich girl's parents hate her urban friends but come to realize they are good kids
• rich girl is told she doesn't belong by urban girl
• rival dance groups put aside their differences to fight a common enemy
• shy guy gets girl by being himself
• shy guy asks older guy for advice about girls and is given lesson in the wrong things to do
  

Dragon Fighter (2003)

A status hungry scientist working in a secret underground cloning facility - yeah that's right, secret underground cloning facility - puts what he believes is a dragons egg in an incubator. Newly hired head of security, Dean Cain, is not only a former military man with the skills to fly a Black Hawk, but also a well learned brainiac in chemistry and biology, due to his parents being biologists. In fact, Cain reads heavy duty books on these subjects just for fun.

Though the other scientists are cloning experts, they don't seem to have a clue about what is going on within the complex or are alarmed when the doctor shows up with a large mystery egg. Cains knowledge of all things biological and chemical means that he correctly guesses that the patronizing doctor has found a dragon egg, and is very alarmed at the possible consequences. None of the cloning experts seems concerned about their fate.

The madman scientist only cares about his precious dragon egg, not what might happen once it hatches. Thus he balks every step of the way when faced with the danger that is hatching within their compound walls.

The incubator tank is full of pink smoke, so no one can see what is happening inside. As it is a sterile environment, two contamination suited flunkies are sent in to extract the newly hatched creature. Shortly after the two men enter, there is a terrific explosion that destroys the room.

What do you know, a dragon is now kalumpfing through the halls. Super idiot scientist still demands that no one harm his find, as all he can think about is the fame it will bring him. I'm thinking even a dead dragon would make him superbly famous, plus they're in a cloning facility so couldn't they just clone the dead dragon after coming up with a better plan on how to deal with it once it hatches?

The rest of the movie is sort of like Alien, except the dragon is obviously computer generated which makes it more amusing than threatening. I actually forgot that they were in an underground complex and thought that it was a movie taking place in the future. Ninety five percent of this movie takes place in the hallways and futuristic looking labs......which once again makes the film look very much like a sub par Alien.

Welcome to Spring Break (1988)

aka Nightmare Beach

After blowing the big game, Skip and his friend Ronnie head to Spring Break to have some fun. Ronnie confirms his idiot status by wearing a mesh tshirt, parking in the Demon's biker gangs spot, and giving them the finger. Ronnie confirms he is the responsible, smart guy by stating that they don't want any trouble.

Meanwhile Diablo, the leader of the gang who was electrocuted for murdering a teenager has gone missing from his grave. Soon a black motorcycle with a mysterious rider are killing people during Spring Break. The gang thinks it's Diablo come back to life, the local police department isn't sure.

There is a running gag about a young woman who convinces men she needs money and has sex to get them to contribute, a guy with new wave hair who steals money from vacationers, and a guy who continually plays pranks about being dead.

There is a continuity error in the film. When Skip holds a screwdriver to Doc's neck, at first it is a Phillips head. But when they show it again, it is a flathead.

The film features John Saxon and Michael Parks, who most people know from "Twin Peaks", but I alway like to think of him as the free wheeling motorcycle rider in "Then Came Bronson".

The Curse of the Crying Woman (1963)

aka La Maldición de la Llorona

Stupid woman, what with her crying and her curse...what the hell!? This black and white Mexican horror film has some nice atmosphere and very creepy eye makeup, but the translation is ridiculous.

Newly married Emily receives an invitation from her Aunt Thelma to visit. When Emily arrives, she discovers that her uncle Daniel has died in a terrible accident and her Aunt has not aged from when she last saw her years before.

Thelma is a strange woman as she is never around during the day and has no reflection. Turns out she has discovered the secrets of Marian Lane, the wailing witch, who threw her life away in exchange for power.

Thelma and her deformed man servant named Fred were not aware that Emily had remarried and are quite upset that she has brought her husband Herbert along to visit. Herbert ends up getting the brunt of the abuse in the movie as not only does the creepy zombie in the bell tower throw him over the railing, but he also falls through a trap door.

It is silly hearing all the Americanized names. But ever more ridiculous is that the zombie locked in the bell tower can reach through the bars on the door and unlock it the door from the outside.

Most ridiculous lines:

1. "You're coming close to the front door of the supernatural!"

2. "Why is that horrid monster in the house?" "Fred?" Uhhh, yes, the horrid monster's name is Fred.

Cybercity (1999)

aka The Shepherd

Why would anyone go see a film called The Shepherd? They wouldn't, which is why they titled the dvd Cybercity.

C. Thomas Howell is a shepherd - someone hired to assassinate those considered undesirable or a threat to society - whose wife and kid are dead, but he keeps reliving this via future-vision. He is asked to kill a woman and her child. The boy doesn't talk because he's "had a scare."

Roddy Piper is the Preacher who appears on video and hologram and half way through the film starts dragging around a massive cross.

David Carradine has a ventriloquist dummy that wears a wig and chokes C. Thomas Howell, who's ass gets too much airtime in the film.

Howell becomes attached to the woman and little boy, and decides to help them avoid assassination. They hide in a church which creepily enough has a bed behind the pulpit. Howell and the woman have sex while the little boy is in the same room. Yes, no need to be concerned about emotional scarring of the child.

Thomas's shirt bulges strategically at the chest to reveal his tattoo. Unfortunately the way the shirt pulls looks very feminine, thus undermining any attempt at tattoo machismo.

Best of all is the little future car they drive around in, which appears to consist of a golf cart with blue lights and cardboard doors. Hurrah for the cyber future!

Wisconsin Death Trip (1999)

Wisconsin Death Trip is based on the book of the same name and attempts to be faithful in it's narrative of death in a small Wisconsin town during the 1890s. The book is a collection of photographs and newspaper clippings from Black River Falls, WI, all of which involve death and hardship.

While I was fascinating by the book, the film was very slow moving. Overall the film had an antsy feeling which was very effective, but the whispering throughout drove me crazy - although not as crazy as the poor people that lived in Black River Falls.

I was very taken with the window smasher who appeared several times throughout the film. I would recommend the book, but I found the film difficult to get through.

Get Crazy (1983)

Max Wolfe loves rocknroll and is about to do his 15th annual New Years Eve concert. But villain Mr. Beverly wants to shut down the theater and put up a highrise. When Max won't let Beverly buy out his lease, Beverly vows to put an end to the concert.

With a typical rocknroll versus the establishment storyline and comedy that sometimes falls flat, the film still managed to be really fun and make me laugh. There is also a great cast including cult favorites Mary Waronov, Paul Bartel, Clint Howard, Malcolm McDowell, Lee Ving, Bobby Sherman, Fabian, Lou Reed, Howard Kaplan of The Turtles, and The Doors' John Densmore.

Lou Reed is great as Audin, the reclusive singer who comes out of seclusion to play the show as a favor to Max, and has the taxi driver take the long way to the show as he's having a burst of creativity.

Malcolm McDowell plays Reggie Wanker, a self obsessed rock star who wears a huge codpiece, drinks magic water, and talks to his penis - which talks back, eeek!

Other stand outs are Bobby Sherman and Fabian, who are very funny as Mr. Beverly's henchmen.

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973)

After a drunken night in town, sheep farmer Eddie wake up in the barn next to a large bloody mass of something. Luckily local mad scientist Dr. Clemons and his hippie assistant Mariposa happen by to hear Eddie screaming. The daft doctor immediately realizes that this yucky thing the size of a small child is going to solve his research theory.

Meanwhile back in town, Mr. Barnstable - a redundant name if ever there was one - a representative from a rich mining company, has arrived bringing offers to purchase everyone's land. This doesn't sit well with the local officials who do not want to give up control of the town.

The town officers come up with a plan to discredit Barnstable by blaming him for killing the Sheriff's dog and framing him for a shooting of a local man. As Barnstable is chased out of town by a vigilante group wanting to hang him, he happens upon Dr. Clemons lab (which looks more like a bunker).

Clemons has been raising the gooey thing from the barn, which he determined is a sheep embryo, although the sheep must have been intimate with an alien judging by the final result. The embryo has grown into the title character, the Godmonster - a massive misshapen mutant of a sheep that is larger and taller than a human being and has strangely long legs of different lengths.

Horror of all horrors, the Godmonster escapes and runs wild through the country side while Mariposa chases after it, only to finally catch up with it and say the oddest line ever in film, "I've been following you since the glory hole." Yeeehaw!

Wow, inexplicable, unfathomable, bizarrre... truly has to be seen to be believed.

Frankenstein's Daughter (1958)

Oliver Frank, a descendant of the infamous Baron von Frankenstein, is working on a potion that will bring the dead back to life. He slips the potion into fruit punch that he gives to Trudy, the niece of his boss Carter Morton, who is arguable a mad scientist. Trudy turns into a monster and runs around town in a bathing suit freaking people out.

This sequence of events leads me to the biggest question of the film - if Oliver is trying to make a potion to bring the dead back to life, then why is he giving it to the living? Sadly, there is no explanation.

After Trudy's friend Susie won't make out with Oliver while on a date, Olvier runs her over with his car so he can use her organs for his experiments. Oliver takes the secret passage into Carter's house so that he can use his lab. It seems odd that Carter doesn't know about the passageway, but no explanation is offered.

When Oliver is done with the monster that is Frankenstein's daughter, she doesn't leave via the secret passage, but walks straight out the front door?! The monster has an outerspace type of jacket and gloves, a massive bandage on her head, and looks like a melty faced Jack Carter. In fact, Frankenstein's daughter looks not so much like a daughter at all, but like a large ugly heavily bandaged man.

The House That Dripped Blood (1971)

A house reflects back whatever type of person you are and everyone who rents it dies.

This anthology has four stories:

1. a writer sees his story come to life when a creepy strangler starts killing people.

2. Peter Cushing sees a figure in a wax museum who looks just like his true love.

3. Christopher Lee plays a strict father who will not let his daughter have any fun.

4. an actor buys an old cape while making a vampire movie and strange things start to happen.