Autumn (2009)

A virus kills most of the world's population, leaving a handful of survivors wondering what happened. Due to differing opinions on what to do, they split up. Some of the group stays in town to wait for help, while others believe the best thing to do is get out of town since there are hundreds of dead bodies in the streets.

Shortly afterwards, the dead begin to rise. At first they don't have any reasoning. They walk until they hit a wall and then continue trying to walk through it. But with each passing day, they seem to get more thought process and start coming after those left alive.

Three of the group hold up in a farm house in the middle of nowhere but soon find that sound attracts the zombies, who have taken a liking to the noise made by their generator. While the film may sound interesting, it's not. And just when you think it can't get any worse, here comes David Carradine as an insane old man to drag the production down a little further.

The people in the film make bad decisions, such as riding a motorcyle (zombies are going to knock you off it at some point), not loading up on guns after being attacked, and living in a house with lots of windows that is going to be difficult to defend. It's long, boring and stupid. Don't waste your time.

Tony (2009)

The description that I read stated Tony spends most of his time alone, is obsessed with 1980s action flicks and when social situations arise, the result of Tony's awkwardness is murder. I guess I wasn't paying close enough attention because I thought it was a black comedy. Then I get the rental and it says it's a gruesome character study..... not what I was expecting to say the least.

Tony is a sad character. He doesn't know how to relate to people, has lived on public assistance for years, and spends his time in a small apartment watching 1980s action films. His attempts at conversation are uncomfortable and the film is really effective in making you feel uncomfortable for him.

But there isn't much going on in this film and I found it couldn't hold my interest. To be fair, that could have been because I was expecting something different. Much of the film is of Tony wandering around the streets or in a nightclub or a brothel, and there is no dialogue. There is a subplot about a missing boy which I wish had been explored further. The film is disturbing and offers no explanation or hope.

Thrill Killers (1964)

An actor trying to make it big and his wife go to a cafe and run into three lunatics with a penchant for killing who just escaped from an asylum. One of the lunatics has a cousin, played by Cash Flagg, who is a psycho killer. Sounds exciting but it's mostly a whole lot of nothing.

I like Ray Dennis Steckler movies. They always have some sort of charm, but this is my least favorite of the ones I've seen. It's tedious to sit through. Although I was amused in one scene where a woman wearing high heels runs down a dirt road with the killer running far behind her. How can he not catch her?

Kiltro (2006)

The description on the box mentioned a gang named Kiltro, martial arts, and has a cover which features a guy in face paint, a villain with what appears to be a scar on his face, and the words "martial arts movie spectacular". Yes!

So I was disappointed when the gang was barely in the movie, the spectacular part was the ending, and the storyline followed Zamir's love for Kim.

Kim has no interest in Zamir and is tired of him beating up every guy who gets near her. When the evil villian comes to town to take revenge on Kim's dad, Zamir tries to protect them but gets badly beaten. He goes on a journey to find a master so that he can come back and beat the villain.

The ending is pretty good as there are some good fight scenes, but it takes a long time to get there. The other thing is that while Zamir is portrayed sympathetically in his obsessive love for Kim, all they would have to do is change the music and he'd come off as a creepy stalker.

The Keeper (2009)

Seagal plays Roland, a detective who is shot and left for dead by his partner and then forced to retire due to medical reasons. An old friend calls to request his services as a body guard as a rival business man is trying to kidnap his daughter.

When you watch a Seagal film, you know what you're getting. There's no new ground here. Seagal smacks some people around and threatens to shove their arms down their throats if they don't leave the girl alone. But for some reason, no one ever listens to him and they end up dead or broken in pieces.

Segal is in typical form as he mumbles his way through the dialogue, but at least there's not the dubbed in voice of another actor to confuse things. As usual, his hair appears to be made of charcoal brillo pads which is really disturbing.

Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)

The strangest thing about Spring Break Shark Attack is that the movie is mostly void of sharks. Instead it concentrates much more on partying at spring break and the blue collar townie who falls in love with the college girl.

Danielle really wants to go to spring break with her friends, but her dad says there are too many guys there who only want one thing. Sweet virgin Danielle is used to be pushed around by everyone, but she somehow manages to lie to her parents and go to spring break.

Unfortunately her dad is right and she is an easy mark for uber tool JT who slips her a roofie, which he later tries to blame on all round good guy and can't afford to go to college townie Shane, who works at his mother boat rental business.

Danielle's friends are idiots because after she passes out at their house party - which is attended by 100 people they don't even know - they leave her alone in the bedroom which is at the top of a staircase in the living area and doesn't even have a door. Way to protect your friend, losers! Danielle drunk dials her dad and apologizes for defying him. Daddy races down to spring break even though he has no idea where she's staying.

In other side plots, Danielle's brother is a marine biologist who is working on a machine that repells sharks and a local businessman is chumming the waters to draw sharks away from his hotel on the beach the next town over.

Danielle and her friends have a wacky hat montage, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this film.

Bloody Movie (1987)

aka Terror Night

A group of teenagers decide to go to old time Hollywood film legend Lance Heyward's mansion which is scheduled to be torn down. Heyward disappeared years ago and the world assumes that he's dead. But now that his house has been sold and is destined for destruction, someone is killing anyone who comes onto the property.

The kids stumble onto lots of old memorabilia and costumes. What they don't realize is that there is a biker and his girlfriend in the building as well as our mysterious killer. The murders take place exaclty like deaths in all Heyward's old movies.

The question is whether Heyward is alive, a ghost, or if it is someone else. There is a scene where a girl is kissed to death, but it's a lot more boring than it sounds.

Return of the Living Dead Girls (1987)

aka La revanche des mortes vivantes

A misguided environmentalist poisons the local milk supply which kills three girls. They rise from the grave, but I'm not sure if it is from the milk or from the toxic chemicals the company is disposing of in the graveyard. But whatever the reason, the dead girls seek revenge.

These are not your typical dead. They ring the door bell and wait to be told to come in. They drive off in a car. They carefully climb into a pool or hide behind rocks. These girls are stealthy.

There is a ridculous blackmail plot which involves a prostitute and a video tape. There is also a pregnant lady whose belly dissolves and her husband, whose hand turns into gooey roast beef because he had sex with a corpse and didn't notice.

There is crazy nonsensical dialogue. I couldn't tell if it was just bad writing or bad translation since the movie was originally in French. Overall it is awesomely confusing, ridiculous, and the only living dead movie I can think of where the dead hitchhike, someone actually stops to give them a ride, and then they get chased by the police. Awesome! It was bad but I enjoyed it.

The Lost Skeleton Returns Again (2010)

The cast from the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra return in this sequel that picks up a couple years after the first. This time they head to South Africa in search of a radio active element which is in the possession of the Cantaloupe People in the Valley of the Monsters.

Larry Blamire is a master at parodies of 1950s/early 1960s movies and tv shows. The ridiculous dialogue, the cheap effects, and the silly situations could pass for movies made during that time period. If you liked the first movie, you'll like this one also. There are lots of laugh out loud moments, although it does drag at certain points and is not quite as funny as the first one. I'm definitely planning on adding this to my dvd collection.

Carriers (2009)

When a virus wipes out most of the population, brothers Brian and Danny, along with females Bobby and Kate, head towards a beach where the brothers used to have idyllic childhood vacations. When their car breaks down, they end up having to share a car with a father whose daughter has been infected. The father and daughter are heading to a small town where they've heard there is a cure.

When the group arrives, the town appears to be deserted. While the group searches for help, Bobby stays with the sick little girl who coughs up blood which hits Bobby in the face.

The group, sans father and daughter, head on their way, but Bobby does not disclose that she may be infected.

They make lots of stupid decisions, such as not wearing the gloves or masks that dangle from their necks. As you can image, things do not go well for the group who must then make some tough decisions regarding survival and friendship.

Stan Helsing (2009)

Stan Helsing's boss insists he make a last minute video delivery on Halloween night. Stan and his friends, already in costume and headed towards a party, take a detour to deliver the dvd. They end up trapped in a town which is full of monsters. When Stan figures out he is a relative of the legendary Van Helsing, he and his friends try to save the town from their curse.

Obviously this is a parody, but it's just not a funny one. There are moments here and there where I laughed. But mostly it was just a bad comedy. Near the end there is a song competition where its monsters versus good guys. While it might have been okay if it were snippets of the songs, they are complete songs lasting 3 or more minutes each. It's brutal.

Werewolf: Devil's Hound (2007)

After being captured in Europe, a werewolf is shipped to the US for examination, but is mistakenly delivered to a special effects company. The werewolf, who looks like a Yeti, breaks out of the crate and bites Kevin, the owners son.

Kevin begins acting strange and ends up getting in a fight with his wife at a dance club when he starts dancing with a female who turns out to be the yeti/werewolf in human form.

While the beginning of the film has the obligatory non-funny comic relief character, it's almost like the filmmakers gave up half way through and decided to try to make a comedy. Bumbling bounty hunters show up to collect the werewolf and do sub par physical comedy while everyone runs around trying not to get bitten by the yeti/werewolf lady.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Before watching Death Bed, there is the option of watching an interview with the director who tells a long drawn out story filled with inconsequential details which add nothing to his tale and make you want to fall asleep. This does not bode well for Death Bed.

The movie is literally about a bed that eats people. It also eats anything else that you might set upon it and can even send it's bed sheets out like tentacles to grab anyone trying to escape. The bed sits in an empty room which also has a mantle which is used as a fire place. Yes, it's only a mantle placed against the wall, not actually a fireplace. There is also a painting with a man sitting behind it who feels sorry for all the people the bed eats.

We meet the bed when a young couple comes to the abandoned mansion to have a tryst upon the it. Yeeech! If you went to an abandoned building, would you lie down on the bed in there, let alone take off your clothes? I wouldn't. But apparently I'm odd because everyone in this film has no problem jumping into an old bed in a long abandoned house. Gross!

As the couple make out, the bed eats their picnic lunch which consists of an apple, a bottle of wine, and a bucket of chicken. The items each sink into the bed, are consumed in a bubbling yellow liquid, and then the remnants are returned to the top of the blanket. When the male finds that his bucket of chicken is full of bones, he confusedly says, "I must have made a mistake." Yes, because it's so easy to mistakenly bring a bucket of bones to a picnic rather than edible chicken. I do that all the time.

As the movie goes on, people sink down into the bed and are slowly eaten. One girl fights her way out and almost makes it to the door before being dragged back into the bed's yellow liquid grave. When another girl finally figures out the bed is evil, her brother tries to save her by stabbing the bed. How I wish I was kidding when I wrote that.

His knife and hands sink into the bed, which is too bad since the bed ends up eating his hands. Luckily his sister is able to pull him off the bed. With skeleton hands raised in the air, he heaves a sigh of relief. As one part of his finger falls off, he dejectedly states that this will just keep happening and asks his sister to break off both his hands at the wrist. She complies.

This movie is hilarious, strange, and boring. Everyone should watch it once.

Urban Explorers: Into the Darkness (2007)

Being an amateur photographer with a degree in history, I am fascinated by old abandoned buildings. They are a study of the past with architectural character and beauty that is lacking in todays modern buildings. These neglected places were an important part of people's daily lives, but now they are left to decay. It's fascinating and sad at the same time. If I were in my twenties I would probably pursue urban exploring, but at this point in my life the prospect of being arrested, accosted, or injured is not worth it.

The film follows different groups of explorers as they head into sewers, castles in Scotland, the catacombs in Paris, and an old missile base in Florida, just to name a few. There are also interviews with explorers and some nice photographs which flesh out the sometimes dark film footage.

It's an interesting film and I enjoyed it. But it didn't completely grab me and I can't put my finger on exactly why. Still I would recommend it to anyone seeking to learn about urban exploring.

House of the Devil (2009)

I have to give credit to this film for effectively pulling off the look and feel of the late 1970s/early 1980s horror films. We didn't know anything about it when we watched it on Netflix, and believed that it was made during that time period. Even the poster art shouts out that it's not a new movie.

Samantha decides to move our of her dorm because her roommates boyfriend always stays over. After finding an apartment, she looks for a job and agrees to do some baby sitting for a couple that live in the country.

Her friend warns her that the guy seems weird, but Sam decides go anyway. When it turns out the babysitting is for his elder mother, not a child, Sam decides to leave until discovering that she can get several hundred dollars for staying.

We know something is terribly wrong, but Sam has let the promise of a large sum of money overcome her common sense. At this point, the film gets really boring as Sam dances around with her walkman or walks around in the house.

The film is really nicely done, but it's sad to say my favorite part of the film is the freeze frame of the title with Sam is walking across the street.

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

When Ray was a child, he witnessed his parents being killed by a giant squid. As an adult, he keeps his eye out for news of giant squid attacks because he wants revenge on the creature that killed his parents. He offers his services to archaeologist Nicole after reading her crew had a run in with a squid. Nicole can use the help since she's searching for a ceremonial mask which is guarded by the squid and is also being sought by villain Maxwell who wants to return it to Greece.

The movie is awesomely stupid, thus I found it very enjoyable. From the bad cgi squid to the cliche villain and plot, it's one big ridiculous roller coaster ride of squid filled excitement. Well not that it's really that exciting, but it made me laugh.

The Plague (2006)

Children 9 years old and younger fall into a coma. Due to the large number of children needing care, nursing units are set up in local gymnasiums with round the clock medical attendents. Ten years later, the children wake up and start killing the adults. No explanation is offered and you are left to your own interpretation based on clues throughout the movie.

My biggest problem with the film is that there is no explanation for why the children's muscles have not atrophied after ten years in bed. These kids should be walking on noodle legs. Yet they're chasing our protagonists all over town and hoisting guns as if they're toothpicks.

House of the Dead (2003)

A group of college students miss the boat to the rave of the century and hire an old fishing boat to get them there. The Captain warns them not to go since it is on the Island of the Dead, but do they listen? Of course not. If someone invited me to the Island of the Dead, I'd damn well google it to find out how it had earned it's name.

When the group arrives, they find the huge rave - a few tents and a small stage - deserted and lots of blood on the ground. Instead of heading back to the mainland to report the potential murders, the group decides they can't leave without their friends. Oh except for the one couple who decide this would be a perfect time to get busy in the bloody tent on stage left. Man, these kids are stupid!

There is a house on the other side of the island where the group holes up after discovering that the island is aptly named. The rickety looking house doesn't seem very big from the outside, but it's massive inside. There they make a stand along with the Captain and a marine officer who was after the Captain for smuggling weapons. A nod to the video game on which this nightmare is based comes in the form of shots of what appears to be a video game and a gun scope.

There are so many stupid things that happen in this film that I can't even count them all. However the two best quotes are:

1. Guys... check out this book. It looks pretty old. Maybe it'll help us.
2. Rudy: You did all this to become immortal? Why?! Castillo: To live forever!

Ninja (2009)

Casey, who was abandoned by his mother as a child, is taken into a dojo and trained as a ninja. His jealous rival is kicked out for not following the ways of the dojo and ends up on the path of evil becoming a for hire assassin for immoral business men in a secret society.

Casey's master entrusts him with a sacred box, which he must guard until it gets into the right hands. But the secret society wants this for themselves and Casey must engage in a battle with his old rival.

There is also a female ninja who doesn't appear to have been serious about her training since she is constantly fainting or being rescued by Casey. This is convenient since she is his love interest, but otherwise serves no purpose and doesn't fit with the background story.

This is essentially an updated version of the 1980s ninja films. It's a fun action movie with decent fight scenes and a cliched plot. It's pretty good if you like that sort of thing. If compared to the recent Ninja Assassin, I would pick that movie over this one.

Suspira (1977)

Susie is an American who travels to Germany to study ballet. She arrives at the school only to find herself locked out and heads back to town after a strange interaction with a girl fleeing the building. The next day she discovers the girl she saw has been murdered and the police are at the school.

Susie starts her classes, but quickly becomes very ill and must remain in bed. Her friend Sarah tries to investigate where the teachers go at night and ends up discovering the schools secret. She is never seen again.

When Susie wakes from a bout of illness and discovers she appears to be alone in the school, her explorations bring her to a horrible discovery.

Unlike most horror films which make use of the dark to show evil, Dario Argento uses color and style to craft a feeling of dread which pervades the movie. Definitely worth seeing.

Devil's Curse (2008)

After being kicked out of their dorms right before exams, a group of students move into an abandoned building where four college students committed suicide and it is rumored a demon dwells. Soon after they move in, they hear strange noises but can't locate the source, and weird things start happening. Unfortunately nothing interesting happens so we're left with people confusedly wandering around and murders which happen off camera. The cover is probably the best thing about this film, and I'm not really enamored by that either.

Amusement (2008)

Three former friends are abducted in different ways and brought to a cavernous old mansion where they find that a former childhood friend is out for revenge. The three different stories are ridiculous and so is the ending. There are so many things that happen that don't make sense, most importantly why the boy would want revenge on these girls after all these years. They didn't even do anything except object to his torturing of animals.

The clown on the front cover is only in one segment where the babysitter is staying in the doll room which has a life sized clown doll in a rocking chair. Seriously? There is no way I would ever stay in a room with a life sized doll. It would creep me out so bad I wouldn't dare to close my eyes or turn my back on it. But this woman gets undressed in front of it and isn't alarmed when the doll ends up looking towards her or when she hears noises from that side of the room as she tries to sleep. Damn you, foul clown!

Planet Terror (2007)

After seeing Death Proof, I had to watch Planet Terror. I didn't enjoy this as much, but I did love the 70s style, which had blips, scratches, and the what the hell just happened feeling from the fake missing reel.

An incident at a military base releases a biochemical virus that turns people into zombies. Stripper Cherry Darling teams up with her ex boyfriend El Wray and a bunch of townfolk to try to survive the zombie onslaught. Cherry, who lost a leg, has an assault rifle in it's place which comes in handy for spraying zombies with hot lead.

Shortcut (2009)

During World War II, a girl took the shortcut and was never seen again. Through flashback we know that she was killed by a young boy with a large rock. Over the next few years, more people disappeared on the shortcut, so a fence is erected and a no trespassing sign is put up.

In the present day, Derek is the new kid in town and his younger brother found a dead dog on the shortcut after having been dared to take the path home. The next day, a football player at school tells Derek his dog since is missing. The two go down the shortcut and end up at the house of the rich crazy guy who owns the land. Insanely they to into his garage where they find a coffee can full of dog tags.

Derek and his friends devise a plan whereby two will watch the crazy rich guy when he comes to town while the others will go search the guys house to see if they can find proof that he killed the dogs. The kids in town will call on the cell phone to warn their friends if the rich guy heads back home. Of course this goes horribly wrong when the cliched no-cell-phone-reception rears it's ugly head.

I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either. The film is PG-13 so there isn't much blood. There are several twists at the end which aren't that tricky but might catch you by surprise. The most ridiculous thing is that though the short cut has not been used regularly since WWII, the path is clear from over growth and the wooden bridge is not rotted and still looks nice.

Black Sheep (2002)

Henry heads back to the family sheep farm to sell his share of the business to his brother Angus. Henry left the farm years ago after his father died in an accident and is dreading returning due to his phobia of sheep. Brother Angus has been tending the farm as well as meddling in genetic research to create a new breed of sheep.

Two animal rights activists sneak into the research lab on the farm and steal a jar with what appears to be a dead sheep fetus in it. The two get separated while being chased by lab workers and one finds that the thing in the jar is actually a mutant gooey sheep which quickly attacks him. Unfortunately the thing has a virus and the activist starts to turn into a creepy sheep himself.

Soon all the sheep are looking menacingly at the humans and havoc ensues right before the big press conference to announce the new sheep species. Overall an entertaining movie with some gross sheep.

Best Worst Movie (2009)

According to IMDB, Troll 2 is in the bottom 100 movies of all time. Quite honestly, it's with good reason due to the terrible acting, nonexistent plot, and inept script. But in the years since it's been made, it has found an audience of people who love it.

The documentary, made by the Michael Stephenson who starred in the film as a child, tracks down most of the actors who appeared in the film plus the director and his wife who wrote the film. We are treated to their recollections of what it was like to film. This is interwoven into current footage of the cast and midnight showings of the movie with adoring audiences.

The star of the documentary is George Hardy who played the father in the film. Hardy is an extremely likable man with a great outlook on life who seems to find the humor in whatever comes his way. When Hardy and the other actors speak of their embarrassment when first seeing the finished product, you can't help but laugh. The girl who played the daughter speaks of keeping it off her resume as she knew she would never get another acting job if anyone realized it was her.

My friends and I loved this documentary. While it is often funny, there are some other moments that are touching or sad. The visits to the actress who played Hardy's wife are the hardest to watch. But mostly the film is upbeat with Stephenson and Hardy getting the most screen time, which works out well since they have a good rapport and seem to be genuinely nice guys.

Troll 2 (1990)

Years ago I watched this film at home and it was sheer torture. However recently I decided to go to a public showing of it with friends and found that it is fun to see if you're in a room full of people who are laughing at the monstrosity that is Troll 2.

The plot, such as it is, is that Joshua and his family trade houses with another family for a weeks vacation in the town of Nilbog. The ghost of Joshua's dead grandfather shows up to tell him not to eat any of the food in town and to get the family out of there! Of course no one listens to Joshua's warning - and with good reason since it's coming from his dead grandpa.

The big secret of the town is that it's full of Goblins. (Nilbog spelt backwards is Goblin, ooooo!) And they are vegetarian Goblins so they must make the family eat green food in order to turn them into vegetables.

The acting is embarrassing, the script is ridiculous, and it is the only movie in existence with a horrifyingly funny seduction using an ear of corn. Seriously, who would think it was a sexy to have a woman and a teenage boy gnaw on an ear of corn which causes combustion that turns the corn into popcorn which they get buried underneath? Take that, John Holmes!

Stacy (2001)

I like the idea of this movie. Teenage girls between 15-17 are afflicted with a euphoria called Near Death Happiness, after which they die and come back as zombies. If the family can not bear to kill their Stacy, the zombies are dispatched by the Romero Repeat Kill Squad. Their preferred chainsaw of choice for this task is named Bruce Campbell's Right Hand.

Unfortunately even with everything it has going for it, I hate this movie. Stylistically it reminded me of a horror version of Doctor Who and the music annoyed the hell out of me. I almost didn't make it through the entire movie, but I kept hoping there would be something that would change my opinion. However the longer it went on, the more I started to loathe it.

Death Proof (2007)

Finally got around to seeing Death Proof and really enjoyed it. It was right out of the 1970s, complete with screen blips, scratches on the film, and dialogue that sometimes went on a bit too long and got boring

Kurt Russell is Stuntman Mike, a friendly guy who drives a decidedly unfriendly car. When Mike interacts with a group of wild young girls at the bar, you know something is going to go wrong. As usual it's not a good idea to catch a ride home from a stranger, even when he seems very affable.

The second half of the film is an abrupt switch to another set of characters, again all females. This group is on vacation and looking to drive a very specific car just for the fun of it. After conning a guy to let them test drive their dream car, there is an unexpected run in with Stuntman Mike. After a really frustrating sequence of events in which I was cursing the stupidity of the women, there comes an absolutely fantastic ending that made the whole thing worth it.

Dead Meat (2004)

Helena and her boyfriend Martin are driving through the Irish countryside when they hit a pedestrian. Unfortunately the man turns out to be a zombie infected by cows with mad cow disease and he bites Martin. Helena tries to get help from a nearby farmhouse and is attacked by zombies, including the now dead Martin.

Helena proves to be adept at stabbing zombies and after escaping meets up with Desmond, the local gravedigger. They head off on foot toward his house two miles down the road. Later they meet some neighbors who have a car. Upon hearing a news broadcast, they head toward a castle mentioned as a meeting place for survivors to be picked up by the military.

The first part of the film where Desmond and Helena make their way on foot across the countryside was the most enjoyable. They did a good job building tension. After they teamed up with the others and got in the car, the tension dissipated - although the thought of walking through a field of sleeping zombies in the dark brought back some tension.

Ba'al: the Storm God (2008)

A dying evil archaeologist steals ancient scrolls and searches for four amulets which he plans to use to harness the power of Ba'al the storm god. Enlisting the help of two other archaeologists who don't know what's going on, our evil doctor travels the world digging up the amulets which ignites a storm and the face of Ba'al in the sky. This tips off our innocent archaeologists that something is wrong.

There is also a rogue meteorologist previously banned from a military base who now must work with them again to solve the problem of the massive storms that keep popping up in the stratosphere.

The movie features one of those scenes where in the midst of trying to solve an insurmountable problem one of the characters suddenly gets an idea based on one word uttered by another character. "Wait a minute- what did you just say?.... That's it! That just might be the answer. What if we...."

The silliest thing about this movie is that the statue of Ba'al tips over on a security guard who is trying to stop a thief from stealing the scrolls. There is no explanation for the massive statue to topple onto the guard except that if it didn't, nothing else in the movie could have happened.

Also why has no one noticed or tried to push the buttons on the front of Ba'al? Surely in all the years it has existed, someone has wanted to see what would happen. And why does the younger archaeologist kneel in front of the statue to remove the artifacts when moments before a large lance came out of the center of it and skewered someone? He's positioned so that if it comes out again, it's going right through his head.

Die and Let Live (2006)

Best friends Benny and Smalls throw a party in an attempt for Benny to get a date with Stephanie who just broke up with her cheating boyfriend. Meanwhile some test subjects with a zombie virus have gotten loose from an experimental medical facility and are biting whoever they can get their hands on. Stephanies ex-boyfriend and the zombies show up at the party and mayhem ensues.

While this isn't the best movie you're going to see, it's certainly not the worst. The comedy often falls flat (although the clips of the premier show the crowd laughing uproariously). The zombie make up on the cover is what you get. Often the cast holds their hands over the spot of they were bitten, which I assume is to try to hide the fact that there is no wound. When the zombies bite there is plenty of blood. There is also some sinewy bits that seem to be held on the victims arms by the zombies. One distracting thing was that Benny got a haircut during the filming and in some scenes his hair is super short.

I have to give them a lot of credit for getting this made and distributed. It's not perfect by any means but it's definitely better than many low budget movies I've seen. Also I read a comment from the director where he said the movie cost $1000 other than the cost of cameras. In light of that information, they really did an amazing job as I would never have guessed they only spent that much money on this.

Alone in the Dark (2006)

It's never a good sign when a movie starts with a huge crawl of text in an attempt to provide an explanation of what you're about to see. It's also not good when the assumption is made that moviegoers will accept Tara Reid as an archaeologist because she is wearing glasses and has her hair up.

Paranormal investigator Edward Carnby has an artifact that an evil archaeologist desires. It is the key to a door between two worlds and there are monsters in the other world. Not sure why people always wants to open that door, but here we go again.

Carnby used to be part of secret government unit 713, which is also involved in the search as there is paranormal stuff going on. Twenty years earlier twenty orphans disappeared, (then reappeared), but as adults have gone missing again. Carnby was one of the orphans but does not succumb to the force taking the others as the night of the disappearance he hid in a power supply building and was electrocuted.

It's just plain ridiculous with cgi monsters and things that don't make any sense. The weirdest thing is for Carnby and archaeologist Reid to escape through a wooden bulkhead on the orphanage lawn. Was that even there before? How could no one notice it? If they were looking for orphans, wouldn't they look down there? And how did the archaeologist happen to have made a lab in the underground tunnel that housed the door to the other world? He didn't even seem to know it was there. Good god.....

The Devil's Tomb (2009)

A group of soldiers head to an underground lab in the middle of the desert to rescue a scientist and find there is evil afoot. And this horrible evil glues baked beans to people's faces and makes their victims incredibly stupid.

The soldiers are supposed to be special forces but they act like amateurs. They split up, fire at nothing, read porn, make out with sexy ladies who show up out of nowhere, don't keep an eye on the people who just tried to attack the group, and don't listen to the priest who has managed to survive whatever is going on in the lab.

One woman's unborn child shows up as a little girl and she follows the girl off into the tunnels. Seriously? You know it's not really your child, but you follow it not once, but two different times. How stupid are you?

When you reach the end of the movie, you'll be sorry you sat through it because the payoff it not worth it.

Mutant Chronicles(2008)

For a movie called the Mutant Chronicles, I expected a whole lot more mutant action. The steampunk story starts in a World War I atmosphere with soldiers in trenches when suddenly the machine that was buried years and years ago somehow lets loose it's mutant cargo. The mutants burst on the scene with their huge claws that go right through human skulls like butter. Sean Pertwee turns in another in his performances of someone severely injured lying on the ground and holding a gun.

The two soldiers who escape the mutant battlefield are recruited for a special force to go into the machine and destroy it, thus saving humankind. The groups mission is jeopardized by Major Hunter when on the way to destroying the machine, he leaves the group to try to save Pertwee who is somehow still alive and still being dragged by mutants. Hmm, save the planet or save one man? Bad choice because it leads to others making bad decisions and soon their mission is in ruins as the few left desperately try to figure out how to stop the machine.

Maneater (2007)

In a scene right of out Jaws, the mayor tells the sheriff he can not tell the reporters that town folks are being eaten by a man eating tiger because it's time for the annual Corn and Apple Festival. Scary Gary Busey is the sheriff of this small town who teams up with a stereotypical British tiger hunter (pith helmet, mustache, khaki) to try to save the town from harm. There is a sub plot about a boy named Roy who lives in a trailer and is home schooled by his super religious mom. Roy sees the tiger in his dreams and doesn't want anyone to harm him. An average flick which is sometimes amusing due to Busey.

Zombieland (2009)

An infection has turned most of the Earth's population into zombies. Columbus meets up with Tallahassee while he's trying to get to his parents house. Eventually they run into two sisters and the four travel together as the two girls head toward an amusement park in California where they've heard there are no zombies.

Columbus is obsessive and a geeky loner who has rules for dealing with the zombies which are good for survival. There are some funny scenes which incorporate the rules.

I enjoyed this film, but wish there had been a different ending as it didn't do anything for me. I kept wondering if they had been smart enough get to the amusement park without being killed by zombies, how could they be so stupid as to not think that turning on all the lights and rides at night wouldn't attract tons of zombies?

Ninja Assassin (2009)

I have loved Ninja movies ever since I saw Sho Kosugi's ninja movies in the 1980s. So I was happy to see Sho in this movie which carries on in the same vein. Raizo is an orphan who was raised to be a ninja assassin, but he falls for a girl in his clan who one night decides to escape to freedom. Of course no ninja clan leader, especially one as heartless as Sho Kosugi is going to let that go unpunished. Our hero later abandons the clan after a difficult kill.

In the other part of the story, Interpol agent Mika tries to prove that recent killings are the work of a ninja clan. The theory is laughed at by other Interpol members, but when Mika gets too close to the clan, they decide to take her out which prompts Raizo to become her protector.

I really enjoyed this film and if you're into the old 1980s Golan Globus ninja movies, this is just an updated version of ninja action with very cool special effects.

I Sell the Dead (2008)

Grave robber Arthur is in jail awaiting his execution and tells Father Duffy the story of how he got into the profession. Arthur was trained by Willie, who has just been led to the gallows. The story is told in flashbacks starting when Arthur was a little kid and going through the adventures he had while working with Willie and going up against other grave robbers, most notably the dangerous Murphy gang. The film also features a small role by Angus Scrimm.

The movie isn't a laugh out loud comedy, but there are some amusing moments. Overall an interesting watch, although I did start to drift near the end.

Speed Racer (2008)

After his older brother Rex Racer dies in a car crash, Speed Racer starts driving for the family business. After gaining attention in the racing world, he is approached by rivals Royalton Industries who suggest that the Racers sell out to Royalton and Speed can drive for them. When Speed refuses, Royalton sends his drivers after Speed in the next race.

The movie is bright and colorful, but that can't cover up for the boredom factor. It takes more than colors that pop to make a good movie. And John Goodman looks like he's right out of Super Mario Brothers which is really distracting.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

When Chun-Li was a little girl, her father was kidnapped by the evil Bison. Now an adult, Chun-Li sets out to find her father by living on the streets with no money - seriously she's had a privileged upbringing but she leaves home without any money, lives on the streets and begs for food? She finds Gen who teaches her how to be an incredible martial artist and she sets off to rescue her father.

For an action film, it's pretty boring with the best parts being Chris Klein's over the top awkward delivery of every line he utters.

2012 Doomsday (2008)

Heavy handed religious movie based on the Mayans prediction that the world will end in 2012. Four strangers are compelled to go to the ruins of Chichen Itza on the eve of the end of the world. A woman missionary is called by her Dad who tells her to fly home to Ohio but never gives her any reason, such as the west coast is going to fall into the ocean due to a massive earthquake. That might be good to know because if my Dad calls me to randomly tell me to fly home, I'm not going to just up and leave my entire life behind.

I was not aware that this was a movie with a religious agenda so I was surprised when I was sledge hammered with Christianity. The cgi is not very realistic whether it's rain, snow, or hail. From inside the jeep, you can see there is no hail outside the jeeps rear window and there is no hail on the road.

My absolute favorite part of this movie was when Frank and Trish were sitting in the middle of the jungle, the camera pans away and you can clearly see the dolly tracks in the bottom of the shot! Oh my god, how could no one notice that?!?!

Hellbound (1994)

Chuck Norris fights Satan? Who knew? In this buddy cop movie, Chuck plays Detective Shatter, who dresses like Don Johnson in Miami Vice. Shatter, along with his partner Jackson, is assigned to bring the body of a murder victim back to Israel where the two decide to do an unauthorized investigation into the man's death. They find that it all leads back to Professor Lockley, an archaeologist.

Through flashbacks we are shown that Lockley is actually Prosatanos who was imprisoned during the Crusades and unleashed by tomb robbers in the 1950s. Lockleys power is in a scepter and the pieces were sent to nine different important religious leaders, all of whom Lockley intends to kill. Once he has the scepter, he will sacrifice someone in a royal family and the end of the world will begin.

This is a ridiculous premise and Chuck Norris is just the man to make it even more ridiculous. The buddy cops, the keyboard music, the silly remarks that are passed off as humor - it all combines to make a funny and sometimes boring action flick which ends with a fight between Chuck and Satan. Oh and Lockley has goat eyes so watch out for them because it's creepy.

Wilderness (2006)

Juvenile delinquents are sent to an island to rough it after their taunting causes another inmate to commit suicide. The island is supposed to be uninhabited but they run across a drifter living in ruins of a castle, a girls youth group, and someone with a crossbow and a pack of dogs who starts to pick off the teens one by one.

Once the group figures out someone is out to kill them, they spend the rest of the movie trying to get to the beach to find a boat to get off the island. Most of the characters are unlikable and you won't care when they die. The biggest problem with the movie is that it is impossible to believe that someone in special forces would fall for a ruse like the one offered at the end. Also for people who pretend they died on the island, where are they going to get new identities?

Lost Things (2003)

Four teenagers head off to the beach for a weekend of camping, surfing, and partying. Shortly after setting up camp in an isolated area, the group runs into a creepy menacing guy who wants to know why they are there and tells them they should leave because people died here. Good enough for me, but not for this group who decides to stay. Seriously, if I'm in the middle of nowhere and a creepy guy indirectly threatens me with death, I'm gone.

Members of the group disappear, a search ensues without luck, then they reappear and don't know why everyone is upset. They will stare at the ocean from afar and not answer their friends. Weird things are afoot, but the undercurrent of what is going on is apparent fairly early on in the movie. Even after figuring it out, it's still weird and unsettling. Also the two boys looked a lot a like which got a bit confusing sometimes.

Wild Country (2005)

A church youth group goes on a camping trip, finds a baby and is chased by werewolves. The group is dropped off on the Moors at night by their sleazy youth priest who hands them a map with instructions on where to meet in the morning. The group camps next to an old castle, where Kelly thinks she hears a baby crying. Exploration leads to the discovery of a baby amidst the body parts of other travelers. So Kelly absconds with the baby.

Shortly afterwards werewolves start chasing the kids and they can't figure out why - how about that little baby you just picked up?

The film was made in Scotland and the accents take a little bit getting used to before you can understand everything they're saying. The werewolves look like big puppety things worn by people, which I applaud as I much prefer this over bad cgi. But it's a dangerous thing to do when your werewolf is going out in the daytime... which they usually don't do.

Knock Knock (2007)

A group of high school football players and their cheerleader girlfriends find themselves being killed by someone who knocks on their doors before dispatching them. Well, at least the first kill is like that. Most of the killings are done without any door knocking involved. Also is it just me or do people keep answering the door when there is a knock and no one is there? I might do it twice but then I'm done and am not going to open my door again. So I guess that would keep me from getting killed.

The high school students look way too old to be in high school. One of the girls grandfather is an ex-detective that teams up with a young female detective to solve the crimes. There is a subplot about him trying to get to know his granddaughter and her snubbing him until she needs his help to avoid being a victim of the killer.

There is a flashback which explains the reason for the killing which is another ridiculous bully scene with an unfunny prank going horribly wrong.

The Legend of Bloody Mary (2008)

Ryan is having nightmares about his sister who disappeared years ago after playing the Bloody Mary game. He enlists the help of a priest, who is also an archaeologist currently working on a Puritan dig site, to try to figure out what is going on. There are flashbacks to Ryan's childhood as well as flashbacks to the 1700s when Mary Worth, of Bloody Mary fame, was murdered by Puritans for being pregnant out of wedlock, possibly with Satan's child.

The game consists of writing your own name or friends names on a mirror and then chanting "I believe in Mary Worth." After numerous chants, Bloody Mary will then explode through the mirror and horribly kill you. Yay, what a fun game!

Almost a third of the movie is told via flashback. The cgi is horrible and the acting is terrible, especially the snotty girl. Young Ryan looks nothing like the older version and every time I heard the name Mary Worth it reminded me of the old lady in the comic strip so it wasn't that scary.

30 Days of Night (2007)

An Alaskan town is on the eve of thirty days without sun. Those who decided to stay in town or who missed the last plane out are unaware that a herd of vampires are about to descend upon them. The vampires speak in an unknown language and tend to make an annoying hissing sound.

I like the concept of a town with no sun being a perfect spot for a vampire attack, but the survivors do stupid things. I'm still not sure why they thought holing up in the store would be a good idea since there was no place to hide. Or why the vampires didn't try following any of the footprints in the snow.

After watching so many horrible low budget films, this was a welcome relief. I enjoyed a lot of it, but it still wasn't a great film. They did a decent job of building the tension, but it's tough to root for people who do stupid things. Plus the ending was incredibly lame and made the movie less enjoyable.

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

After a zombie washes up on shore, the island of Port Gamble is overrun with zombies. The news is blaming the problem on a virus let loose by terrorists so some of the townsfolk blame Frida whose father is from Iraq. As people try to survive the zombie attacks, Tom and Lance, who came to the island to come out to Tom's mother, manage to find refuge in a church where Lance's tshirt trumpets their sexual orientation. This leads to the mayor wanting to lock them outside while the priest decides to convert them via a 1950s conversion room in the church basement.

I was amused by the family in the basement whose mom has been bitten by a zombie. The son keeps telling the Dad that they need to do something because she's going to turn into one of them, but the Dad is only into vampire movies and keeps discounting what his son says.

I did not expect much from this movie as I've not thought too much of the other After Dark movies that I've seen, but this turned out to be better than expected. That being said, it had a couple of laughs and was an okay way to spend an hour and a half, but in no way should be compared to Shaun of the Dead.