Feeders 2: Slay Bells (1998)

Feeders is not required viewing before seeing Feeders 2: Slay Bells.  That's because Slay Bells has nothing to do with the first movie.  There is some recapping done at the beginning with interview footage of Derek from Feeders.  Where is Derek, who is he talking to, and why are they taping his interview?  No idea, it's never explained.

There is a flashback to the first movie at around 45 minutes. I have no idea why they would do that. It is also never explained why Bennet from the first film looks exactly like Alan.  This makes it even more confusing as to why they would insert the flashback.

Plus at the end of Feeders, Derek is cowering in the street while the city is under attack from the aliens, buildings are being destroyed, and it appears the Earth is going to be demolished.  Guess that didn't happen because it's a calm, peaceful Christmas in town until the aliens arrive... again.

Alan, Mary and their kids are preparing for Christmas eve and decorating their tree.  Alan has to work for a mean old boss and doesn't know what time he'll be home that night.  Meanwhile aliens have landed and are trying to eat anyone they can get their strange little alien hands on.

That night while Santa delivering presents, Santa and an elf are attacked by aliens. Santa is knocked out of his sleigh, landing in a heap in Alan's backyard.  It's Santa vs. Aliens, which could potentially be exciting - but not in this case, even though Santa has a raygun.

This is painful to watch. As with Feeders, theres lots of padding in this film.  We get to see Alan look up UFOs on his computer, his wife wrap Christmas presents, their kids watch cartoons, and aliens run around in the basement or outside the house.  And these are two foot tall aliens with chopstick arms and styrofoam heads, so it's not as exciting as you'd hope.

Is it Jesus or Derek insanely babbling about aliens?

Flashback to Feeders and an alien eating a head

You know it's going to be an exciting film when
these are the main characters.

Look... a UFO?

Alan shows his acting range as a ceramic goose looks on.

Her 90s hairstyle is getting bigger.

No one notices the alien by the side of the road.

These teeth can rip nothing to shreds.

The dead cat effect - now this is just confusing.  Is this a
photo of a cat with ripped edges painted red?

New Aliens - now with styrofoam heads

Alien vision captures a typical 90s housewife

Don't you die on me.

Santa's raygun

Feeders (1996)

Derek and Bennett are traveling cross country to the East Coast so they can go to the beach and check out the chicks.  On the way, they  stop to take photos of devastation, meet some girls, go camping, and run into an alien invasion.

The aliens aren't very threatening as they're only about two feet tall and have spindly little arms.  However they do have antennas.  Unfortunately by antennas, I mean radio antennas which they use to poke people in the neck.  On the one hand I applaud the creativity of the filmmakers since this movie cost them about $500 to make.  On the other hand, it's hysterically funny to see a radio antenna slowly coming in from the side of the frame towards someone's neck.

The film has a ton of padding - driving, walking, running, and alien vision while the little creatures scamper around the woods.  The soundtrack is something right out of a Peanuts/Charlie Brown special. This is not good, but its much better than Feeders 2: Slay Bells.

Ridiculous dialogue:

"Come on. Let's got into town. I want to grab some photos of the devastation." -- Derek

After hearing reports on the radio about a meteor or fireball seen in the area: "These people watch too much television." -- Bennett

Enjoy some of the low budget madness that is Feeders....

Aliens interactions with humans explained

The opening scenes have a fog over the top part of the
screen. I'd think it was a light leak which affected the
film, except this was recorded on VHS.

To avoid confusion, let me confirm that this is a UFO.

This aliens head is too heavy to stay upright
and flops up and down as he moves.

Derek takes ten photos of the same scene.

Derek and Bennett are overwhelmed by the devastation....

...there is no explanation for why Dereks photos of
said destruction contain mail trucks.

The not so scary radio antenna probe. Also is it just me, or
does anyone else want to smack that hat off his head?

Derek and his fabulous hair

 Doppleganger for Hyde from That 70s Show

Fashionably oversized hair and glasses of the 1990s.

Stomp on an aliens head and you get yellow paint.

Alien vision captures the skinniest leg known
to man wearing a tube sock.

Alien abduction!

Let the probing is begin.

Pig Hunt (2008)

John and his friends plan on going away for a boys only hunting weekend.  But John's girlfriend decides to tag along and John isn't able to tell her no, much to the displeasure of the others.

John's deceased Uncle's cabin has been vacant since he died.  The cabin is deep in the woods and in order to get there, they have to drive by a house full of creepy hillbillys, who we later find out are related to John.  Cousins Ricky and Jake come by the cabin to talk to John and tell him about a 3000 pound pig they call The Ripper.  A giant pig?  Who wouldn't want to hunt a pig bigger than a car?

The two hillbillys also offer to guide John and his friends through the woods. Other than John, who is a veteran, the other guys don't know how to shoot, so it's probably not going to be the most successful hunting trip.  Several of them are more interested in the fields of pot they find growing in the middle of nowhere.

When John and his cousin get in a fight, one of John's friends goes to far to protect him, resulting in the whole hillbilly clan going crazy and out for revenge.

You'll keep forgetting that there are also hippies in the film. Every once in awhile they show up briefly, but then they slip your mind.

Satan Clause (1996)

If you like to be able to see the movie you're watching, then this is not the film for you.  I've never seen a film so dark. There appears to be no lighting and the entire movie takes place at night.  Yay.

The story involves a man in a Santa suit driving around in his car.  Then we see something go by in the dark. Oh it's a person, I guess.  Then Santa walks out of the dark, swings his ax, and chops off a body part which he uses to decorate his tree.

The first victim is a detectives wife, which introduces us to the sad little one room police station which appears to be in someones house.

There's also an unsuccessful actor who is selling...something to raise money for orphans, a voodoo lady, a lady friend and her beau, and some rednecks who plan to kill the unsuccessful actor's friend who is dressed like Santa. Luckily the actor comes to his rescue and points out that it's Christmas and tons of people are dressed like Santa.

There's unintentional comedy from sudden zooms.  For example, someone says the word evil and the shot quickly zooms into their eyes, reminding me of something you'd see on SCTV's Monster Horror Chiller Theater with Uncle Floyd.

The film clocks in at a little over an hour, which I was thankful about in this holiday season.  I don't know what's worse - the acting, the sound, the story or that you can't see most of it.  How did this even get released?  It's mind boggling.

Is the basketball hoop the best lit thing in this scene? Yes.
(The black right half of the screen is his victim ).

Is that a voodoo mama and a mustachioed honkey? Yes.

Is that a victim at the moment of impact when
Santa's ax hits his head? Yes.

Is that a Satanist performing a ritual? Yes.

Did they believe that shots of parked NYC police cars
would add to the gritty realism? Yes.

Did they think this was passable as a police station? Yes.

Is this our mustachioed honkey selling....
something to raise money for orphans? Yes.

Is Santa batshit insane to use a human head
as a tree topper? Yes.

Mutant Vampire Zombies From the 'Hood! (2008)

This C. Thomas Howell movie is hoping you won't notice that they borrowed the plot, and is filled with cliches and lines  from other movies.  In a Night of the Comet opening, a solar flare leaves everyone mutated except those in an underground garage or in some sort of protected structure.

The film is so low budget that you don't see more than ten zombies at once, and even that is a generous estimate.  Sometimes the characters forget that they're supposed to shoot the zombies in the head.  Why does that happen so often?  Zombies are a part of our mythology, yet people in movies never think to do it.  But as the zombies mutate, even the head shots won't work.

Watch for the plot convenience where the electric garage door won't open, so two old guys decide pry open the door and are attacked.  Well it's a good thing because the plane they were going to fly out of the city in only has four seats and the old guys would have made six.  Sorry, old dudes.

The movie is as good as the cover.  Make up your own mind as to what I'm saying with that one.

Fist of the Vampire (2007)

A detective goes undercover in an underground fight club run by vampires. There you have it.  This was so awful that I fast forwarded through a lot of it.  I should have used common sense and stopped watching, but I wanted to give it a chance to get better.  It never did. There are many production issues, such as credits being in almost the exact color as the background, heavy effects on all the gunshots, and super slow fight scenes.

Honestly, I know when I pay $5 for a brand new eight pack of horror films that I'm not getting quality movies, but it would be nice if they were at least fun to watch.

Christmas Season Massacre (2001)

A stupid local legend claims that unpopular Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo went on a killing spree after his parents gave him a pirate eye patch for Christmas, rather than the shoe he wanted.  You see, eight months earlier some classmates stole one of his shoes.  Tommy was so poor that his family couldn't afford another shoe, and apparently he only had one pair of socks which were never washed.  So the kids kept making fun of him and he went nuts.

Okay, I must digress.  Seriously?  So in eight months, his parents couldn't save up five bucks to go to the thrift store to get him a pair of shoes?  Or he couldn't steal a shoe?  Or he couldn't make a shoe out of cardboard and color it black?  Or he couldn't find a shoe by the side of the road?  I don't know how many times I've seen one shoe at the edge of the road.

Anyway, Tommy comes back every year at Christmas to murder people.  Only six of his classmates are left alive.  So one of the guys sets up a reunion and says they should stay at his cabin and wait for Tommy.  If Tommy shows up, they kill him before he kills them.

This leads to the wacky comedy stylings of our nerd, a yokel who sings dumb songs to his girlfriend, and people drinking beer while playing a game of trivial pursuit.

This is the type of movie you'll like if you were in it, or maybe if you're friends with the filmmakers, but otherwise it holds no appeal.  The comedy falls flat, and there's a terrible scene with a couple getting naked, and the guy putting a watermelon pinata on his head.  Not funny, not sexy - trust me, you don't want to see this.

Also if you're going to use the word Christmas in your title, it should really be a Christmas movie.  There's one scene with no dialogue and a couple exchanging presents in front of a decorated tree.   Other than that, a brief scene at the end, and mentions of things that happened at Christmas are all you're going to get.  It's really not a Christmas movie,  but every year you know someone is going to get suckered into watching this when they're in the mood for Christmas horror flicks.

Tommy "Oneshoe" McGroo in his dimestore pirate
patch, doorag.... and jean shorts. 

Words can't describe the Christmas feel of
this compact car driving in a field of grass.

Spot the nerd.

666: The Child (2006)

Is it the Omen?  Not exactly, but close enough.  Donald is the only survivor of a plane crash.  News reporter Erika is touched by Donald's story and convinces her cameraman husband Scott that they should adopt the poor little orphaned child.  He's so cute and so orphaned, how could she resist?

Erika is putting in extra work so she can get a job on the national news.  So they put an ad in the paper to hire a nanny, and end up hiring a nice young woman named Lucy Fir... oh come on!

No one thinks twice about her name, as that would be inconvenient.  Thankfully everyone is clueless, especially Erika who leaves an attractive nanny with knee high boots and a very short skirt alone with her husband on the first day she's hired.  Not good even if your nanny isn't the devil and teaming with your adopted son to kill everyone.

Like most films by The Asylum, it's fairly bland and lacks life, but I still watched it.  It's predictable, the kid is cute, and you might get a few laughs out of it.

Monster Brawl (2011)

You would think that a film featuring all the classic monsters  paired up to fight to the death and find the ultimate champion would be a good thing.  The matches are in a cursed graveyard.  There is a wrestling ring, announcers, managers, and it's handled as if it were a wrestling broadcast.  Also Dave Foley and Art Hindle are announcers, and Lance Henricksen is a disembodied voice who makes comments on the moves and outcomes, like in the game Mortal Combat.  Plus who didn't spend time as a kid wondering how monsters would stack up against each other if they ever came to blows?

Unfortunately even with all the monsters and everything going for it, it is one of the most tedious movies I've ever managed to sit through.  It's like watching a pro-wrestling match from the 1960s.

Each monster gets a back story, none of which are fun to watch.  Also if you don't know the back story of classic movie monsters, have you been living in a hole or what?  There are times where it appears they were going for comedy, but it's so unfunny that you'll question whether that was their intent.  Dave Foley has a slightly Howard Cosell announcer thing going on, but even he isn't funny.  Damn it, movie!

Fever Night (2009)

Three teenagers go to the woods to drink and do Satanic rituals.  When their car gets stuck, Terry is accidentally hit while trying to free the car.   Elliot and Warren aren't sure what to do as the car won't start and neither wants to stay there alone.  They see a light in the distance and decide to try to head for it to get help.  Then the hallucinations start.

This one started off okay, but the longer it went the more I disliked it.  Also I never want to have the following questions  after watching a movie:  Did that guy just get butt raped? Did we really need to see full frontal of the gross fat guy?  What the hell just happened?

Jackie Chan's Crime Force (1983)

aka Golden Queen Commando; Amazon Commando

This is one strange, disjointed movie.  Jackie's name and image are prominently featured, yet he does not appear in the movie.  He is only in the beginning for five minutes before the title appears.  Also this footage is just tacked on and has nothing to do with the rest of the film.  

In our unrelated story, Jackie and a girl appear in a soft focus love story gone wrong set to music.  There is no dialogue and it appears to be clips from another film.  Once we see the title, they are never referenced again.

A group of women POW's break out of prison, try to shut down a warlords chemical plant, and end up in a western.  The girls have a pie fight in the prison.  Also they have sunglasses, cigarettes, make up, big styled hair and dyed hair.  One of the characters sounds like a Jewish Snagglepuss, and there is inappropriate wacky comedy music when one of the girls is put into solitary.

The story is supposed to take place during World War II, but check out the girls clothing and hair.  Oh yeah, totally just like the 1930s and 1940s styles I've seen in historical footage.

"If that's the story, it stinks.  The Dynamite gets what she wants. Nobody takes my chair...."

Yup, based on their outfits, this movie
definitely takes place during World War II.

Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Back home for Spring Break, Rebecca goes away for the weekend with her friends, much to the chagrin of her ultra religious mother.  The girls are staying at one of their father's rental houses, which turns out to be in a town mostly populated by retirees.

At one of the local bars, they meet some guys who are involved with Crazy Girl Unlimited, a series of videos in which girls take their tops off for the camera.  The girls make plans to meet up with the guys the next day, and decide to have a party at their house.  Things are going good until someone in a Monk's robe and wearing a weird baby mask while carrying a medieval weapon starts taking them out one by one.

Based on the name of the film, I thought there were going to be zombies in it.  So while waiting for the non-existent zombies, I was also waiting for the killings as there are probably only two within the first hour.  This means the film is long on bitchy drunk girls who might take their tops off, and short on dead girls.

The best thing about this movie is that Asbetos Felt has a cameo as Rodney the karaoke singer, and wrestler Jerry Lawler plays the Sheriff  who gets to pile drive the killer.  Other than that it's more like a spring break movie rather than a horror movie.

The Immortals (2011)

Mortal Theseus fights evil lunatic King Hyperion, who wears a giant claw on his head, and is in search of a mythical bow that will give him the power to unleash the Titans from captivity, rule the world, and destroy the Gods.

The Gods, whose hats are even more ridiculous than Hyperion's, have vowed not to interfere with man, so they put their faith in Theseus. May not be the best idea as when Theseus finds the bow, a long range weapon, he chooses to use it up close.  This proves to be a problem when he's running toward the enemy, trips, and loses the bow. Argh!!  You could have just stayed put and shot them!

The Titans hop around like something out of a video game or Power Rangers villians.  An appropriate sound to accompany their hopping would be boiiiing.

There are odd pronunciations, every hat is ridiculously silly, and the chest armor has a six pack.

Condor (1986)

Think Knight Rider with an android instead of a car and you've got Condor, the pilot for a TV show that didn't sell. Condor is an organization which fights evil masterminds, and Chris Proctor and his new partner Lisa, an android, are on the case.

This movie was futuristic for it's time, but the plot can best be summarized by the following dialogue:

• I just lost the best partner I ever had.
• What? I don't need a new partner, especially a woman.
• I'm not going to babysit a rookie.
• Pay attention. You might learn something.
• Yeah, thanks for saving my life (said begrudgingly)
• That was a good shot, but I still don't need a partner
• You're a pain in my ass.

Even though the plot and dialogue was a total cliche from beginning to end, if you enjoy 80s style TV shows, you'll like this.

The only thing that would have made this better would be if it had included the lines, "This is not your personal war!" and "Don't you die on me!"

Rec 3: Genesis (2012)

It is Koldo and Clara's wedding day.  All their family is in attendance, including an uncle who works as a vet.  He has a wound on his hand which turns out to be a dog bit.  He thought the was dead, but suddenly it sprang to life and chomped him.  Uh oh, this is not going to work out well for the wedding party.

The wedding is perfect and the guests depart by bus for a huge reception in an opulent building.  During the party, their Uncle is seen throwing up outside and shortly afterward falls off the balcony onto the ballroom floor.  As his wife checks to see if he's okay, he bites her which starts a wave of panic as people try to get away from him.  He's acting crazy and other guests try to restrain him so he can't bite anyone else.

The party is in chaos as more people are bitten, and start biting others.  The bride and groom get separated, and those who manage to lock themselves away from the carnage in the ballroom try to figure out how to escape.

Not sure how I feel about this one.  It didn't live up to my expectations.  I really liked the first two movies, and this one is not as good.  But if it wasn't labeled as part of the series, and was sold as a stand alone zombie movie, I'd have said it was decent.

The first part of the movie is all handheld, point of view as Koldo's cousin is videotaping the event and there is also a videographer.  But once the carnage breaks out, there's no more point of view. That first hand experience and view point is a major part of what made the first two films such a success.  They felt so claustrophobic and you could feel the danger that the characters were in.

So it's worth watching, but don't compare it to the previous movies as you'll be disappointed.

Blood Surf (2000)

Tv producer hires two surfers to travel to an island to film a new reality show called Blood Surf.  Chum is thrown into the water, the surfers cut their own feet, and then surf with the sharks.  In a continuity error, the surfers no longer have cuts or blood on their feet when they get to shore.

Unknown to all, this island is the home of Salty, the saltwater crocodile, who is bigger than any boat in the area.  Dirks, a local boat captain wants to settle a score with Salty as the damn croc sank his boat and ate the tourists on board, which is not good for business.

There are also pirates on the island, although not of the olde tyme variety.  The tv producer is a weasely guy, the blond surfer is kind of an idiot, and the premise is ridiculous.

Awaken the Dead (2007)

If I had known this was a Brain Damage film, I would have skipped it.  I try to avoid films on this label as most of them seem to be poorly done and are just plain horrible.  I can overlook a lack of budget, but I can't overlook being bored and wishing the movie would end.

It's a zombie apocalypse.  There's a priest.  There's a girl.  They're in the same house.  They're not very interesting.  I sleep now.

On a technical level, the picture is really grainy and washed out. It's hard to tell whether it's from the bad lighting or they did it on purpose.  The make up also leaves a lot to be desired.

The Revenant (2009)

After Bart is killed in Iraq, he wakes up to find himself in his coffin in the ground.  Luckily for him, it's the night of his burial and the groundskeepers didn't fill in the grave yet.

Thinking he has been buried alive, he makes his way to his friend Joey's apartment.  Naturally Joey freaks out, but eventually lets Bart in.

When Bart starts barfing dark green liquid, they decide to take him to the emergency room.  This doesn't work out well as the nurse is unnerved by the smell of Bart's decomposition and his lack of vital signs, so she calls the police.

When Bart and Joey go back to Joey's place, Bart stops moving as soon as the sun comes up.  Their friend thinks he must be a vampire and tells Joey to cut off Bart's head.

That night Bart comes back to life again, and they discover that he truly does need blood to keep from decomposing.  After an incident at a corner store, they start targeting criminals and become known vigilantes.

I wanted to like this as it sounds like an interesting concept, but I found it lacking.  It didn't make me laugh and at almost two hours, it was way too long.  If you got rid of the first hour, it would have been much better.  A brief synopsis of the first hour would have been preferable as the movies really gets going when the two start seeking out criminals to kill to get blood to keep Bart from rotting.  Too bad as it's a good idea, but a wasted opportunity.

Devil's Dynamite (1987)

aka Devil Dynamite

No devils and no dynamite, but what else would you expect from a Thomas Tang film?  He and Godfrey Ho (who are rumored to be the same person) are the masters of taking unfinished films, shooting new scenes, and splicing them all together into one gigantic mess.

We never did figure out exactly what was going on since things changed all the time. Characters would appear, then disappear, and were never referenced again.

As best as I can tell, a Taoist Priest brings to life a squad of vampires who are put to work for a crime boss.  Then Samuel Cox is released from prison and vows revenge.  There are ninjas who end up getting bitten by the vampires (guess they're pretty lousy ninjas then), and a space suited man resembling the Prince of Space who fights the vampires and vampire ninjas.  And none of it makes sense.

I'm a fan of these type of movies.  They are often boring, but always ridiculous.  Needless to say, if only they were edited down to the ridiculous parts, they'd be fantastic.

Saint Nick (2010)

aka Saint; aka Sint

Made in the Netherlands, this story is based on the tale of St. Nicholas, who visits the homes of good boys and girls and gives them presents.  But the film provides a twist where good old St. Nick shows up every 32 years on the night of the full moon, not to reward the good children, but to murder the bad ones.

In 1492, after pillaging a town, St. Nick is burned to death by the surviving villagers.  Legend has it that he appears with the full moon on December 5th, along with his army of Black Peter's to take revenge.

Goert, a policeman, warns of the danger and wants to shut down the local festival.  But no one will listen.  Goert knows the legend is true as his family was killed by St. Nick when he was a child.  He's waited thirty two years for the next full moon to face

When a teenager is blamed for killing his girlfriend after she  broke up with him, Goert is the only one who will believe his story of St. Nick.  The two work together  to fight St. Nick and the Black Peters.

It's a pretty good Christmas horror flick.  St. Nick has a burned face and rides over roof tops on his ghost horse.