1st Summoning (2018)

Legend has it the Millbrook Factory in Harrison was built on land used for satanic ceremonies. If you go to the factory at midnight on October 6 and perform a ritual, you can ask for whatever you want but there is a the price.

Mark is a student filmmaker who’s decided to do a documentary on the legends surrounding the factory.  Mark’s girlfriend Leslie will be helping him shoot it.  Rounding out the group are Ryan, who used to date Leslie and is still in love with her, and Ace, who I don’t even remember. 

Mark’s girlfriend doesn’t seem to like him.  Leslie trash talks his job, shoes and clothing.  She unboxes his brand new camera and starts using it. Mark is not happy since he’s worried she’ll damage it and he’s planning on returning it for a refund after he shoots his film.   

The group heads to Harrison where they stop people on the street and ask what they’ve heard about the factory.  Mark doesn’t appear to have done any research about his subject, which confirms his documentary will be crap. He’s not talking to a historian or visiting the town’s historical society. He’s just taking anecdotes from random people. 

When he hears the Pastor has been in town for a long time, the group heads over to the church with cameras rolling and shoot the sermon through the doors. Afterwards they ask to talk to him and he invites them to his quarters. He provides general information but ignores some of their more prying questions. Later they sneak back in to look through his stuff for more info. They also sneak into the graveyard.  When they are seen they flee but a piece of jewelry from the grave keeps showing up, even after they throw it away.

With the others are questioning if they should continue, Mark manufactures a way to ensure they end up at the factory.  Although Ryan drew the short straw, he refuses to do it even in the face of a barrage of anger. Leslie jumps in and her wish is show yourself if you’re real.  Does anything show up? I’m going to assume yes because the camera swings wildly and then it’s floor, darkness, shaky cam, run run, scream scream, what is that chanting? Oh my god why did we ever come here because things are going to end badly for us all. Meh.

Ridiculous dialogue

Pastor: [The three children] are buried in our old family cemetery on the church grounds.

Mark: That’s great!

If we can make it past the church without being seen, we should be good.

Nothing uncomfortable about that posture

Mark’s not looking too good

Rootwood (2018)

Podcaster Will is approached by a Hollywood producer who wants him and his cohost Jess to do a documentary. Does it make sense to ask a podcaster to do a film? No, it doesn’t. She asks them to investigate the curse of the wooden devil, which is in a forest where people disappear.  Equipment will be provided and so will a copy of the police file.  Does it make sense a producer would have the file of an open case? No, it doesn’t.

Their friend Erin comes along and says she’ll play the part of the non-believer, letting us know that these idiots don’t seem to understand the documentary genre.  The three know next to nothing about this legend and haven’t bothered to research it.  

Jess complains it took four hours to drive to the location, but since we have no idea how many miles they drove, we don’t know if it’s a reasonable time. While Erin’s brought three suitcases for their weekend trip, she’s neglected to bring anything appropriate for hiking. They park their camper at some random clearing near the woods and start to wander around.

Jess and Erin are abnormally scared of everything. They scream when they find a noose in a hollow tree.  They scream when they hear noises. And I don’t just mean a quick scream of shock, but like someone is trying to murder them. 

They see graffiti and declare it spooky, (it isn’t).  They decide the graffiti must be a memorial and mention how creepy it is that it’s in the middle of nowhere.  The graffiti is on a steel structure and that is exactly what people would gravitate to in the woods.   Also do they not understand what tagging is? This would be the perfect place for teenagers to hang out. 

This is another one of those movies where people go somewhere to do an investigation, yet when one of the group sees or hears something odd, the others totally dismiss them.  Oh those noises you heard? We were outside so it must have been us. Oh that creepy face you saw looking in the windows? You must have imagined it.  I hate these characters. 

Ridiculous dialogue

I’m here in the Rootwood forest with Erin, Jess and myself.

This scene feels like you’re in a first person video game

The middle aged student podcasters

The decidedly not spooky graffiti covered structure

Bad Moon (1996)

While on a scientific expedition in the jungle, Ted and his girlfriend are attacked by a werewolf. He is the only surivivor. While he  manages to blow the creatures head off, he is still afflicted with the werewolf curse. 

He returns home and parks his trailer in an isolated spot near the woods. But people hike or work in the woods and he’s a werewolf. So it’s only a matter of time until the police are involved due to the bodies popping up in the area. Although there is a large police presence surrounding Ted’s trailer, they don’t seem to be interested in the man living in the murder zone. So Ted decides it’s time to park his trailer in his sister’s backyard.

Janet and her son Brett are excited to see Ted, although their dog Thor is a bit wary.  That’s weird, thinks Janet, Thor’s always liked Ted. She envisions everyone happily playing in the yard, but Thor knows he’s looking at a predator.

Contrary to popular werewolf lore, Ted turns into a werewolf every freaking night.  He combats this by going out for a jog before it gets dark, chaining himself to a tree and then coming back in the morning. This is super inconvenient since Janet is getting suspicious, Thor is sitting outside watching his trailer, and  Ted should be much farther away from Janet’s house to avoid any accidents.

Ted starts off thankful to be alive and grateful to see his family, but as the movie progresses he starts getting evil. He is mean to his nephew and sees Thor as an enemy.  Evil status is confirmed when he starts chewing toothpicks, and he’s truly chewing them based on the bent toothpick that he takes from his mouth.

At one point a conman who pretended he was bitten by Thor comes back at night for revenge. Silly conman.  Werewolf Ted kills him, but the next day the Sheriff thinks Thor did it.  But wouldn’t an autopsy reveal the man was eviscerated by some huge claws?  

The movie stars Mariel Hemingway, Michael Pare and Mason Gamble. The werewolf is decent but there is a transformation scene that seems fairly low budget compared to the rest of the film.  The conman is only in the film to show that Hemingway is a smart tough lawyer who won’t be pushed around - even though she’s kind of a dunce when it comes to the werewolf. 

The werewolf in the woods

Is that a dog behind me?

Chewing on a toothpick? Oh yeah, he’s turned evil

Baby Blue (2023)

 JJ, his sister Alice, and their younger brother August (who they refer to as Beans) want to be famous. They shoot prank videos. But when they pitch the latest to their manager he says he’s dropping them. Pranks are out and true crime is in. So if they come up with a good true crime story, he’ll look at it. 

They decide to focus on Calvin who stepped off a roof shortly after cameras captured him acting like he was being strangled in the elevator.  It’s kind of an odd choice. While Calvin’s actions are certainly strange, there’s nothing on the surface that’s a crime.

They decide to solve the mystery of why he was acting weird  in the hallway and elevator. Was he was on drugs, having a breakdown, or was it something supernatural?  They track down and approach his girlfriend with cameras rolling.  She warns them if they want to live, they’ll drop it. Calvin’s death has something to do with Blue, a serial killer who filmed his own suicide. Legend has it there is a demonic curse on whoever finds his phone and watches the video.

Instead of self preservation, they opt to feign interest in renting Calvin’s old apartment.  The walls are covered with graffiti and there is an arrow in the closet pointing to the rug, under which they discover a phone. On it is a message from Calvin and the cursed video of Blue.  Alice insists on throwing the phone away, but their friend Hutch grabs it. Later he and August watch Blue’s video and the possession begins.

After JJ and Alice discover August watched it, they hire a $20 psychic to determine how to stop August from dying like Calvin.  The psychic says the curse can be stopped by burying the phone in Blue’s grave. But there is no info online as to where he’s buried. 

JJ and Alice drive out to visit Blue’s mother and sister.  Oh yes, that’s a plan. I’m sure they appreciate you filming in their windows and asking questions. And there’s definitely nothing wrong with the glasses of milk they gave you, which they are way too interested in ensuring you drink.

The first part of the film is standard but then it devolves into some torture and hillbilly type weirdness.  The guy who plays August seems to have trouble controlling his saliva. In a number of scenes he drools or sprays spittle.  I’m also not sure if the character is supposed to be mentally challenged based on his reactions and frequent crying which seem more appropriate for a twelve year old than an adult. His siblings mention they’ve taken care of him, but the context is not clear whether it’s an age thing or a mental thing.

Nothing tactless with approaching the dead guys
girlfriend with three cameras running

Nothing suspicious about walking into a meeting to view 
a dead guys apartment with three cameras filming

Why did they send August off on his own?
He’s overly scared of everything

So no one else noticed the arrow in the corner of the
corner or bothered to look under the rug?

What is this location that it’s appropriate to not wear pants?

When you’re approaching the family home of a serial killer,
 just walk up filming and point the camera in their window

The burial site with his urn one inch below the ground

Oh come on, who would ever bandage someone like this?

Pass Thru (2016)

What do smugglers, AI from the future, and corrupt powerful people have in common? Nothing really, other than AI is going to kill everyone who is bad - except Amanda’s abusive ex boyfriend who has a gun. How’d you miss that, Mr. AI?

Smugglers guide a group of people through the desert and lock them in an abandoned house. Surprisingly you shouldn’t trust smugglers  because they could actually be human traffickers.  Meanwhile Thgil appears to OD in the desert after cleaning up trash from the illegal immigrants.

When Amanda and her niece escape from the smugglers, they take refuge in an abandoned camper. This is where Thgil lives. He wants to help them but Amanda is suspicious and hostile. Thgil offers Amanda water and cleans out his trailer for them to stay in. Amanda threatens to kill him if he comes closer. She says they’ll get their own damn water, which is odd since they’re in the desert.  

She is overly antagonistic but he keeps trying to help until she smashes his skull with a rock. Then she begins treating him like a small injured animal, saying she won’t hurt him and she’ll treat his wounds. She neglects to acknowledge she’s already hurt him since the wounds are her fault. 

Meanwhile the human trafficking victims are introducing themselves by trauma dumping to each other in front of the guards. The men and women are separated, but each group has the same stories:  the weak becoming strong; hatred of corrupt politicians; illegal activities; and murdered spouses.  When one decides  to escape, he does so right in front of the guards which turns out to be the last thing he ever does.

Thgil and Amanda bond over his skull fracture and he explains he is from the future and not from this planet. Amanda takes this news better than you’d expect, with no concern that the man in the desert who lives in an abandoned car could possibly be insane. She’s also not bothered by his assertion that he’s going to take over the world media and kill millions of people because they are evil.  

If this description sounds disjointed, that’s because the movie is the same.  There are scenes that have two lines and/or go nowhere. There’s a barely there subplot about some kids and a professor who are watching the stars.  This movie is amazing and horrible all at once. The acting is stilted. The dialogue is like out of a self financed play. There is tons of noticeable green screen. Yet it’s worth watching because it’s so confounding and confusing as to what is going on.  Let’s hope he never becomes self aware as that would ruin his movies.

Dialogue and acting at home in a community theater 

We have to keep running. Your mother’s my sister. She was murdered. I swear to god I’ll take care of you. You’re my niece.

I am artificial intelligence from far in the future.

Guard: You are not going anywhere.

Person 1: Shut up

Person 2: Where are we going?

Girl: He was so sure this was the area.

Boy: He was so sure that this was the area.

Hey have you found anything or have you seen anything? Ah some homeless bum. [said to man lying motionless in the middle of the desert]

Oh my god. What are you doing? How did I get here? Oh my goodness.

Thgil that’s not your name. It’s light spelled backwards, isn’t it?

Amanda: Have you seen the future?

Thgil: I am the future

Something incredible is about to happen.

Many things are going to change now. I’m goring to eliminate hundreds of millions of the human species. I’m going to kill them immediately.

Thgil: This is my universe

Villain: I will kill you!

Villian: You are done!

Thgil: No, you are done!

Villain: I’m done?

Even ignorant reality shows about families, housewives, groups, individuals. Those casts are all gone.

I’ve taken control of the international media center.

I’ve eliminated 300 million humans from the planet today. In human terms, I’ve killed them all.

Kid 1: Wow, the power’s back on.

Kid 2: Me too! Me too!

You are now free from PTSD.

Amanda: I’m really going!

Thgil: You are really going.

The primitive humans must continue the cleanse in order to survive as a species.

Why is AI from the future OD’ing in the middle of the desert?

The old fashioned pillow in the shirt ploy

Communing with the tiger

The kids who have no concern about the guy in the desert

The dinner party where everyone openly admits to being corrupt

The world media center about to be taken over by AI

Dragging oxygen and pushing a wheelchair through the desert

Oh yes the mass genocide is nothing to be alarmed over

They’re Outside (2020)

Max, who has no credentials but thinks he’s a brilliant psychologist, has a successful YouTube channel where he cures people’s issues by badgering them into doing what he wants. He believes psychological problems are all in your head, you just need a shift in thinking to be healed, and he is the man to heal you while he monetarily capitalizes on your trauma.  In other words, Max is a dick.

He’s been corresponding with Sara, an agoraphobic who bonded with him over a love of 80s movies. Sara hasn’t left the house in five years, but Max thinks he can cure her in ten days. Sara is excited to see him but not happy that Nicole, the woman behind the camera, is his girlfriend.

Legend has it Green Eyes lives in the woods and if you see him, you’ll never find your way out of the woods. Eventually you’ll find a door and if you knock, well look out because that’s where he lives.  Sara and Penny believe in Green Eyes, but Max scoffs. The town holds a Green Eyes festival each year and Max thinks everyone is an idiot, including his girlfriend. So while Max pushes Sara without empathy so he can meet his objective,  you’ll spend the movie rooting for Max to get what’s coming to him and since this is found footage, you can rest easy. 

I don’t know why anyone would agree to be on Max’s show. He’s condescending and treats his patients poorly, making fun of them while in the same room. He thinks his opinion is the only one that matters.  He also treats Nicole poorly which culminates in cheating with Sara when Nicole steps out of the room.  There is a backstory about a girlfriend he dearly loved who died from cancer, which attempts to make him seem more likable, but it doesn’t work.

Ridiculous dialogue

Sara: I know what you’re doing. It won’t work.

Max:Let me be the judge of that.

Nicole: You’ve got to give her credit for what she believes.

Max: That’s not a very helpful comment right now.

Penny: I’ve seen Green Eyes.

Max: No you haven’t!

The mindsets I’ve installed into her have finally started to take over from all that fucking fog in her brain.

For a self described brilliant therapist, he sure
can’t recognize how much Sara hates his girlfriend

Some of Max’s clickbait videos

Why is the alcoholic wearing green grease paint on his face?

The Invitation (2022)

Feeling lonely after her mother dies, Evie takes a DNA test and discovers she has relatives in England.  Her cousin Oliver contacts her and wants to meet when he’s in New York. When they hit it off,  Oliver invites her to a family wedding. Evie can’t afford it, but he says he’ll pay for the trip with his frequent flyer miles and she accepts.

The home where she’s staying is a massive mansion with many servants, and additional hires due to the upcoming nuptials.  When Evie meets the host, she finds him attractive. But things seem weird.  There is a room she’s never to go in and some of the maids seem to be missing.

If you’re going to watch one movie called the Invitation, you’d be wise to skip this one.  It’s the type of movie you have on in the background as you pick up your house.  There are spots where you’d stop what you’re doing and watch for a bit, but most of the time you’d be folding your laundry.

The Dinosaur Project (2012)

The British Cryptozoological Society is bringing a tv crew with them on their expedition to search for what is essentially Africa’s Lochness Monster.  Rumors of this creature and video footage has spurred the group to investigate.

Expedition leader Jonathan is stuck bringing his son Luke to the hotel, but does not entertain Luke’s request to go exploring with him. Luke’s advised to stay in the hotel and wait for his Aunt who will stay with him. 

After we are introduced to the people participating in this expedition, it is no surprise when we find out Luke stowed away on the helicopter.  By the time he’s discovered, they do not have enough gas to turn around. Shortly after that they have bird strike with a prehistoric looking mystery bird and the copter crashes into the jungle. The rest of the movie is the group dying one by one while they try not to get murdered by the prehistoric wonders they were hoping to find.

Mercy Falls (2023)

Rhona’s going to the woods to find the cabin her father left her and has asked some friends to go with her. She hasn’t been there since she was a kid when something traumatic happened. 

While at a bar, they meet Carla who they saw hitchhiking earlier in the day.  When Heather discovers Carla has hiking experience, she invites her on the trip.  Rhona is not pleased and glares at Heather, who keeps talking about how great it would be for Carla to join them. Eventually Rhona grumpily agrees to go into the woods with this stranger.  

Heather is difficult to be around as she enjoys causing drama.  On the first night she upsets her boyfriend Scott when she flirts with Andy and sits on his lap. The next day Heather confesses to Scott she made out with Andy the prior night. Oh Heather, now is not the time to confess. When the two men get in a fight, Andy ends up seriously injured when he falls and a branch goes through his leg.  

While the group tries to figure out how to help him, Carla takes a different tact. We’ve already been clued in via a newspaper article that she’s escaped from an asylum and is extremely dangerous.  This is why you don’t invite strangers into the woods. The group is horrified when Carla puts Andy out of his misery. But Carla says the others are at fault since Heather started the trouble and Scott injured him.  She says they’ll all go to jail if they don’t hide the body. 

They agree to cover up the death, find the cabin and go their separate ways. Heather shows Rhona the newspaper article and eventually everyone is aware they’re in the woods with a lunatic. When they manage to ditch her, Carla is not amused and decides to make them pay. What difference does it make if they were going to split up anyway? I guess this just ups the lunacy.

This is one of those movies where people keep making stupid decisions.  Would you cross the ravine on the log and push the log off, or remove the log before crossing?  When they find the cabin, the survivors have sex, even though there is a killer after them.  They turn on the generator to radio for help. That sound is going to be a beacon in the forest. And when the generator stops, they don’t even consider the killer could be outside.

Then we’ve got Heather who is completely unlikable. She invites Carla on the trip, even though the trip is to help Rhona after her father’s death. She pressures Rhona to accept this stranger on the trip while right in front of Carla.  She is inappropriate with Andy in front of Scott because he’s not paying attention to her. And worst of all, she blames Scott for Andy’s death when the cause of the fight is her cheating. Plus her hiking clothes are ridiculous.  Get bent, Heather!

Going hiking? Don’t forget your oversized glasses
and bucket hat.

Blood Harvests (2023)

When Neil is fired for stealing money from his boss and can’t pay his bills, Jessica calls her Uncle Ollie to see if the family can stay at his farm.   Ollie isn’t thrilled about this, but the townsfolk make it clear he should take in a family in need. And why are the people in town involved in Ollie’s decision? Why the blood harvest, of course.

Jessica has two children, Maggie and Jake.  The kids decide to explore and while next to the barn they smell something bad. Ollie tells them to stay away from the barn as it’s dangerous and to never go into the room.  Maggie considers this a dare, while Jake knows that is not at all what Ollie meant.

They find a CB radio in the room and when Jake uses it, he’s able to talk to someone. Later on this person tells them they need to leave now, but stay out of the field and stay away from the towns people. Neither teenager asks why.  

There are a whole lot of unlikable characters.  Ollie is weird.  Jessica is dismissive. Neil is a jerk. The neighbors are obviously up to something, and the only character who tries to help them is too afraid of everyone else to make it clear what is going on.

The biggest issue is the lack of explanation.  Jake and Maggie are told to get away by the voice on the CB radio. No reason is offered and they don’t ask any questions.  Later when Jeremiah warns them they should leave and not trust anyone, he offers no explanation and again they don’t ask.  Jake is psychic and has visions, but he isn’t aware of what is happening.  You’d think the horrible visions plus the warnings would give the a heads up, but they’re just not that concerned. 

How is tying someone to a tree stump
going to keep them from prisoner?

The Freeway Maniac (1989)

When Arthur was nine years old, he killed his mom and her boyfriend of the day.  He’s been locked up in the psych ward ever since. After a new orderly is hired, he’s told Arthur is the craziest, most insane person they’ve ever seen, which makes it odd they’d think it was a good idea opening his cell. Oops the orderlies are dead as Arthur runs for the door.

After a killing spree, Arthur meets Linda, who is at a garage trying to escape from the sleazy mechanic putting the moves on her when she wanted help with her car.  Linda immediately realizes Arthur is not going to help when he lunges at her and she notices he’s covered in blood.

Linda is saved by the mechanic and featured in the newspaper as the survivor of the escaped psycho killer.  This gives her acting career a boost when she’s recognized at an audition and cast as the lead by the sleazy producer who says they can use her to promote the film. She survived the killer, now see if she survives aliens from outer space.

Linda heads off into the desert to make her sci-fi movie, but not before doing a tv interview in which she announces where they will be filming. This is unfortunate since Arthur has escaped again and the broadcast tells him exactly where to find her.  His killing spree continues as he winds his way to the movie set.

Linda’s agent wants to warn her about the escape but the producer says they shouldn’t worry her.  Linda is happily in the dark until her cheating ex-boyfriend shows up because he’s worried about Arthur coming after her. Meanwhile there is a chainsaw missing on the set and the producer can’t pay the cast or crew, but promises he’ll have money soon.

I first saw this movie twenty years ago and thought it was hilarious. This time I could only get through about twenty minutes at a time before shutting it off and trying again the next day.  It’s awful and tedious.  So watch at your own risk. But you may enjoy the lack of continuity with the hair length. Or if you’re a fan of the Doors, you can ponder how Robbie Krieger got involved in doing music for this film.

The biggest question I have is,do they teach lunatics how to drive at the asylum?  Arthur has been locked up since he was nine so how does he know how to drive a car or big rig?  

Ridiculous dialogue

Orderly 1: This is the new guy Jimmy.

Orderly 2: A little light in the ass for this type of work, aren’t you there Jimmy?

No, I’m the new guy! [said while being strangled by Arthur]

Linda: The script. It isn’t very good.

Steven, her agent: Don’t worry. You didn’t write it.

It takes fifteen minutes to take effect but when it does, it’s bedtime for Bonzo.

I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about. I’m sorry, okay? I did it for you. [said condescendingly by the person who is not sorry]

Arthur and his mullet

Arthur and the bad wig

Linda with hair to her shoulders when she arrives at the garage

When the killer shows up, her hair is styled and shorter

The mechanic has Beatle hair and charcoal hobo beard

Later the mechanic has drastically shorter hair

Nice of them to use her head shot for the article

Arthur chokes a victim while he’s hanging out of a moving truck

Linda on the set of her sci-fi film

Why is a carpenter doing framing in the middle of a dirt road?