Alien Valley (2012)

Alien Valley tells the story of the reality show, Paranormal Mysteries, whose crew disappears when they go to investigate weird happenings in a small town.  Interviews with other paranormal investigators and town folks make up the movie, along with the footage found on their cameras.  

Since this is reality tv, the skeptics point out that the show is scripted, uses music and sound effects to build drama or tension, and is essentially like a documentary soap opera with drama between characters.  There is counter point by others who think the team  actually disappeared after finding something paranormal.

The cast and crew are kind of annoying, other than a camera man who bonds with the local ranger.  The group doesn’t care about rules and regulations, and is also prone to fake evidence to make their show more interesting. Unfortunately for them they are in cattle mutilation territory and there are things going on that are not of this earth. 

The Outwaters (2022)

Michelle, Angela, Scott and Robbie go to the desert to shoot footage for a music video and disappear never to be seen again. Five years later someone finds Robbie’s camera and this footage is on it.

It’s like watching your friends home movies and that’s not interesting for anyone.  They sit around, talk, sing, do nothing or visit family.  There’s no plot, character development or any reason to care about these people.

After they head out into the desert, it’s more of the same.  Then at fifty five minutes in something happens in the middle of the night as they’re camping.  Robbie is off on his own when he hears the screams of his friends. The next morning we see he’s hiding in crevice, his hair is matted with blood and there are still forty five minutes left in this film. Oh god.

Much of the movie is at night and Robbie is using a small flashlight to illuminate what he’s seeing. So get ready to see almost nothing for half the film.  It’s a pinpoint of light in the desert, often looking as if he’s shining a flashlight through a toilet paper roll.  So while we know his friends are dead, we don’t see anything other than blood. All the action happens off camera in the dark.  

It’s not clear why they were camping for multiple days to shoot this video. The second day they’re lying in the sun, recording sounds in the rocks, or hanging out for most of it.  Why stay so long? You hike in, shoot your dusk scenes, camp for the night, get up and shoot your day scenes, and hike back.

It’s also not clear why the blood is always wet.  The blood should dry especially with the high heat in the desert, but it’s always wet and gooey.

You’ve got almost an hour of shots like this.

Unnatural (2015)

Aka Maneater 

Brooking, an arrogant photographer, brings his assistant and two models to a remote lodge in Alaska to do a photo shoot. There’s only four hours of sunlight a day so he’s got limited time to shoot. The girls are wearing bikini’s and fur hats while they pose in the freezing cold.

Lodge owner Martin and his staff try their best to deal with Brookings horrible personality, rude demeanor, and unreasonable demands.  But with him insulting everyone and making racist remarks about the locals, they’re just waiting for the day the group leaves.

Unfortunately they are on a collision course with a rogue polar bear from a genetic testing laboratory.  The bear has escaped the secret lab in the wilderness after killing two scientists. Doctor Hanna escaped and is wandering through the woods after her truck broke down.

Things start to go wrong for the visitors when the bear drags one of the models into a hole in the ice while on a shoot.  Later Martin finds Hanna in the woods and brings her back to the lodge.  She feeds Martin some garbage about why she was out there, but he doesn’t trust her narrative.  

As the massive polar bear tracks down anyone who goes outside, you’d think it would get more exciting. But about sixty minutes in, I just wanted it to be over.  Even with actors like James Remar, Graham Greene, Ray Wise, and Sherilynn Fenn it couldn’t keep my interest.  Also surprisingly there is twelve minutes of credits at the end of the film.

Also note that when Brookings looks through his photos, we find out he’s not very good. He spent $10,000 to fly two models to remote wilderness, travels by snow mobile to a lake, and is taking close ups of Ella’s face which could be done without leaving his home.

The polar bear in the hallway

He could have taken this shot in his backyard. 

Demonoid (1981)

Jennifer and her husband Mark buy a mine in Mexico hoping to get rich. But after finding a hidden tomb inside the workers fear entering again because the tomb was cursed.  Mark isn’t afraid of a stupid legend so he goes inside to find antiquities. Not only does he find quicksand but also a hand which attaches itself to whoever holds it  and possesses them.  

Mark ends up gambling in Las Vegas because where else would you go with an evil hand.  Jennifer tries to track him down but things do not go well since the only way to get rid of the hand is to chop it off.

Looking for revenge for her husbands death, Jennifer seeks the help of a priest, who is skeptical until he sees the hand in action.  No one is safe from the hand, which is hilarious since it involves actors holding the hand onto their faces while flailing, or spinning around with the hand attached to their hair.

It’s not the most exciting thing to watch, but I do have an affinity for disembodied hand movies.

The huge glasses that cover half her face

Quicksand in a mine? Who knew

The evil hand is on the loose

Jennifer shows the deadly artifact to the priest

Hand attack!

Having to throw yourself around as if the
hand you’re holding on your face is attacking you

JeruZalem (2015)

Sarah, whose dad gave her a pair of smart glasses, is taking a trip with her friend Rachel to Tel Aviv. They meet Kevin on the plane who is heading to Jerusalem. When the plane lands, he asks them to join him and they rearrange their schedule. Because if there’s one thing that’s safe it’s going off with a man you just met while in a foreign country. 

They stay at a hostel where Rachel asks Omar, the owners son, for hash and invites him to hang out that night.  In the next few hours, Sarah’s bag is stolen by a child, she injures herself while giving chase, the group goes out for drinks, and she hooks up with Kevin. 

The next day they do some tourist things, like visit the Western Wall where you write your deepest wish. Sarah wishes for her dead brother to come back. Uh oh.

When they visit some underground caverns, Kevin becomes uncomfortable and wants to leave.  After doing research, he says they need to leave town right now because something bad is going to happen.  He gets so upset the hotel owner calls the police drag him off to an asylum.

That night Sarah sees a plane drop a bomb on the city and the news mentions terrorists. Shortly after that a couple of soldiers show up at the hostel and advise everyone to get to the gates of the city because the military is going to lock it down.  

At this point Sarah becomes liability.  Her first priority should be getting to the gates. But she has trouble keeping up with the group and when they are running past the asylum, she stops, stomps her little feet, and insists they rescue Kevin. 

Although she’s only known him a few days,  can’t speak the language, and the news has reported terrorists are attacking, she refuses to go further and runs into the asylum. The soldiers decide they’ll help her look for three minutes.  The asylum is huge. She has no idea which floor or wing he’s in. Plus what if he’s already been evacuated?  When the soldiers tell her time is up, she throws another fit and stays behind.

As unlikely as it is due to the size of the asylum, she finds Kevin and helps him escape.  Then she’s back to being an idiot again. She crashes a bike and starts pulling a Velma when she can’t find her glasses. She even sets them down on the ground. Good god woman, you can’t see without them. It turns out her friend is couldn’t get out before the gates were locked. So everyone’s trying to escape the messed up creatures in the city and it just gets worse from here. 

Ridiculous dialogue

Man: We have a lot of superstitions here. Do you believe?

Sarah: No, I’m old school. I believe in science.

Man: You are stupid.

Glass, take a picture.

It would be a pain to have this stuff popping up in your vision

The glasses pull up your social media once they recognize you

Good old trustworthy Kevin

The Canal (2014)

Five years after buying a home, film archivist David is reviewing old news reels and discovers his house was the site of a vicious murder in the early 1900s.  He and his wife are unnerved but it’s not like they’ve had any issues in the house so life goes on.

When David’s wife invites him to a business party, he notices her client Alex is too familiar with her and begins to wonder if she’s having an affair. One night he follows her and confirms his fears to be true as she meets Alex in one of his buildings that’s under construction. David picks up a hammer and considers doing them harm. But the horror of this thought sends him running out of the building and he throws the hammer in the canal.

The next morning when he discovers his wife hasn’t come home,  David notifies the police. After an investigation and a search, they find her body in the canal. Since they know she was having an affair, Davis is ant the top of their list of suspects. David denies any knowledge of this.

He begins having nightmares and seeing the man who committed the murder in his house one hundred years ago.  So is David hallucinating? Is the murderer’s spirit haunting this home? Did David murder his wife? He’s acting weird, the nanny is afraid of him, and the police have found the hammer in the canal.

This is an Irish movie which has some creepy parts and is psychological horror.

What We Become (2015)

When a new family moves in across the street, Gustav becomes interested in the teenaged daughter Sonja.  They’ve barely gotten to know each other when an announcement on TV says there appears to be an epidemic beginning. If anyone is sick avoid hospitals, doctors and 911, and instead call the health hotline.

A few days later, the military show up on their street, order people back in their houses, and barricade the streets at the edge of town.  Those who try to escape are shot.  There are daily health checks and food is delivered to each home.  

But Gustav is curious about what’s going on and sneaks out one night to the school where the military have their base.  He sees townsfolk being brought inside and sees some unsettling things. When he starts to open the a box truck in the yard, the military notices and shoots as he runs off. Behind him he hears screams and the gunfire stops.  

When no more food arrives, some of the families go looking for supplies.  Others split apart, like when one person thinks their partner is sick and doesn’t want to catch it.  At this point they discover there is no more military in town, though the barricade is still up and the military will still kill anyone who gets too close to it. Also there are also zombies wandering the streets which is not going to go well for anyone.

This has suspense but if you’re looking for zombie action, you’ll be disappointed. It’s more about atmosphere and the characters than the zombies, who are almost all the last part of the film.

Anthropophagus II (2022)

Professor Nora and her students hike a long way through the woods to an abandoned bunker where a caretaker lets them in.  Many of the students dress inappropriately for the trip. They also complain about having to pay for the permit and being told what to bring even though this is a trip to work on their thesis. What is their thesis about? I have no idea. Also does everyone have the same thesis or is this a group project? If it’s a group project, you just know someone is going to slack off. 

After being locked with the understanding the caretaker will let them out on Monday, the group finds a room with old military style bunk beds. They push the rusty door shut and lock it, which isn’t a great idea in an abandoned building since you don’t know if it will open once you shut it. 

I don’t know most of the girls names. They’re said in passing, rather than having any introduction. I only know the characters who are the biggest pain and the most ridiculous. Isabel forgot to bring food but then complains about the food someone else graciously shared with her.  Betty wore thigh high boots and an off the shoulder short dress for the hike, and the next day puts on eye liner when she wakes up. I don’t have high hopes for Betty’s contribution to the thesis. 

When two of the girls disappear the first night, this starts the downhill slide into panic, more disappearances and murder. What they don’t know is there’s a cannibal in the bunker and they look like lunch. 

The group doesn’t work well together and aren’t very bright for thesis students. One finds the cannibals lair, complete with blood, guts and killing tools. But instead of running back to warn the others, she wanders around looking at things and is promptly taken out.  When Betty is captured and thrown in a cell, she immediately asks him if he wants her to strip. Oh poor dumb sweet Betty.  There is nothing in this room, his demeanor, or the weapon he’s holding that would make that a plausible question.

The biggest puzzle is where did Nora get the permit? Is there a record of this so someone knows they went there?  The caretaker tells them there are 17 kilometers of tunnel, it’s easy to get lost and many people have tried to shelter in the bunkers but no one has ever seen them again.  So does that mean you can get in without the permit?

Also how feasible is it for a cannibal to survive in a locked bunker?  How often do people wander far enough into the tunnels that he can grab them?  And how much can he eat at once? He’s chowing down on these women, but there are enough people in the bunker that he’d probably have food for quite awhile. Yet he seems to be gorging on it.

Ridiculous dialogue

Julia: We won’t get out of here alive unless we rely on ourselves.

Nora: Please, being negative won’t help.

You can do what you want but please don’t hurt me

Betty on the left in her thigh high boots and off the shoulder
sweater dress - the perfect outfit for a long hike
 and weekend in an abandoned bunker

The clean, dust free abandoned bunker

The matress-less bunk beds

At the End of Eight (2019)

Allison, Will and Darian are chosen to be part of a social media game where they must sneak into a designated house and spend eight hours without being discovered. They’re dropped off with bags over their heads and the address of a home.  They must find the home and then find a way into it. If they successfully spend eight hours there, they’ll win ten thousand dollars.

The police can’t catch the people running the game which seems odd since it costs ten dollars to enter. The gamers must have an online presence and they’d need an account set up to collect payment which means they should be traceable. 

The group climbs in an unlocked window and after a series of near misses end up hiding upstairs.  Darian has done this twice before, which is odd since its supposed to be random.  His two previous successes have made him arrogant and careless. He goes downstairs to get a snack and isn’t even quiet about it.  He’s an idiot.  Allison and Will aren’t much better since they’re having a conversation and Allison mentions Will was talking in his sleep. Maybe they should try being quiet since they could either get arrested or attacked by a fearful homeowner.  There is lots of news coverage of the game and the town is in a panic with police urging people to lock their doors and be careful.

This isn’t going to be much of a movie if the players sit safely in a room for eight hours. So as you’d expect, they are discovered. Allison repeatedly yells about how they didn’t do anything and it isn’t fair to hurt them. She’s seemingly forgotten they broke into someone’s house and previous players killed a four year old child. The city is on the edge and people are sick of this crap. 

There’s some twists and turns, but there’s nothing really new about it. It was supposedly made for $4500, yet it looks better than so many of the low budget movies on Tubi or Amazon. I have no sense of budget for an indie film, but now I’m thinking a lot of the movies I’ve seen perhaps had budgets of $500 since this one didn’t look terrible.

The ending left me with questions, such as why did they bring the money if they never intended to pay? And if people can gat in touch with the gamer runners, then why can’t the police track them down?

Ridiculous dialogue

Why are they attacking us? This feels like so much more than self defense.

We didn’t do anything.

One Way Trip (2011)

Valerie goes on a trip with her brother and some friends. But what she doesn’t know is they’ve invited her ex and the purpose of the trip is to find mushrooms. 

When the van has a flat tire, Valerie goes walking in the woods and runs into a creepy man with a gun.  After some tense moments, the group discovers he is hunting and not aiming the gun at her.

They head to the nearest gas station driving on the flat. A couple on a motorcycle overhear their mushroom plans and ask if they can go with them.  They came to look for mushrooms too but their bike broke down and it will be a few days until it’s fixed.

Everyone crams into the van to go on their merry way. They find an area in the woods to camp and begin to search for mushrooms. Valerie, who is not happy to be there, is repeatedly bullied about what a drag she is until in an I’ll show you moment, she eats a mushroom.  

Everyone is tripping and happy, until Valeries brother Timo stumbles out of the woods and collapses. He’s covered in blood and has a broken nose.  Since he needs immediate medical care, the group packs up in a panic just as a storm starts.  One of their maps shows a house nearby so they go there to look for help. 

There is no one there so they go in and make themselves at home. Then they hear a noise upstairs and one the the group disappears while outside. Because it’s a bad idea to go into a strangers house and act like you’re a guest.  No one appreciates that, especially a maniac.

The movie was shot in Switzerland and is in 3D so at times things will come directly at the camera.

3D snack food from the van

Our group of intrepid mushroom enthusiasts

A Haunting at the Park Hotel (2011)

 Aka The Speak

For the last episode of his web series on haunted places, Shelly investigates the Park Hotel.  The team consists of Shelly doing host duties, his brother Luis as cameraman, and girlfriend Paige who manages everything else. 

The rest of the crew are locals hired by Paige.  Malia is a Native American who will perform a ritual to contact the spirits since the hotel is on former tribal land.  Jackson is the sound guy and Elsa is… also doing sound?  They appear to be dating except Elsa repeatedly hits on Shelly in front of Jackson and Paige.  

When hotel caretaker Doyle shows up, they discover his son AJ, who they’ve been talking to, doesn’t have the right to let them in. Doyle warns them it’s dangerous and tells them to leave.  Paige angrily says they have a contract and AJ has been paid, overlooking the obvious that a contract with someone who doesn’t represent the establishment is useless.

When Shelly threatens to have Doyle fired and get the law after him, Doyle shoves him to the ground. But after repeated threats, he laughs and lets them in when he realizes the best way to deal with these idiots is give them what they wants - entrance to a hotel where people who enter die.  

Once inside, Malia has a bad feeling. She agrees to stay when Shelly promises to pay her four times what she’s been offered . But even then, she says as soon as the ritual is done, she’s leaving. If only the hotel were so forgiving since the ritual calls forth something that lets the demons in and locks the door to keep them from inside.

None of the characters are particularly likable except Malia. Jackson doesn’t seem bad either, but the rest are annoying. Shelly is is egotistical and creepy.

Horribly cringey flirty dialogue

Elsa: I’m Jackson’s Velma. He’s Freddy.

Shelly: That’s cute.

Elsa: You are.

You don’t look forty. You look just as prepubescent as ever.

You see the rack on that Malia chick? Totally gonna get on that one.

The sad comedy stylings of Luis

There is no electricity in the building but later the lights flicker.
Then this scene has a light is shining on a soundboard.

Third Saturday in October: Part V (2022)

It’s time for the annual football rivalry, which unfortunately in this town is also when Jack Harding comes back from the dead and murders people.  PJ’s parents are excited about the big game. Unfortunately for them, Jack dispatches them right after Maggie picks up PJ to spend the night at her place.

PJ wants to go to dinner at Catfish Cabin, but Maggie has plans to go to Peter’s to watch the game. Peter is a douche who is planning on hooking up with two of the girls at the small gathering. The surprise guests for the night are PJ and wheelchair bound Lester’s physical therapist Neil.

When everyone arrives, there’s various drama about Peter being a jerk, George’s ex not knowing he is interested in her friend Maggie, and there being no food to eat.  Maggie takes PJ and a friend to Catfish Cabin and Sharon picks up a pizza, which is cold by the time she’s back.

At this point Jack is in the house and killing people. Peter can’t warn anyone because he’s missing some toes and the girls tried him up after they were told what he was planning.  When Sharon decides to reheat the pizza, she takes individual pieces and places them directly on the rack, which is going to make a real mess as the cheese melts.  But Jack is more concerned about slapping hot pizza on her face and Sylvia Plath-ing her into the oven.  

This movie is made as if it’s part of a lost franchise where only part one and five have survived.  It is supposed to have been made in the 90s but you wouldn’t know that other than there are no cell phones. The hairstyles and clothing aren’t specific to that decade and neither is the decor.  When I looked at info on the filmed, it said to watch this one before part one. I’m not sure why since the other one is the killers origin story. It doesn’t seem to matter since the only constants are Catfish Cabin and Glamourpuss.  I watched this movie first and had no idea why PJ was talking to a painting of a cat that they called Glamourpuss. I still don't but part one has a news report on how the cat is twenty seven years old.

This is supposed to be horror comedy but it’s not really funny.  The only part that made me laugh was when one of the characters was mad at Peter stating, “Who doesn’t have a bathroom downstairs? Just like fucking Peter to put his bathroom upstairs,” as if Peter had commissioned the building of the house.

Third Saturday in October (2022)

Serial killer Jack Harding is scheduled to be executed on the third Saturday in October. Ricky and Vicki, relatives of two of his victims,  attend the execution.  But when they arrive at the cemetery to make sure he’s put to rest, they discover something’s gone wrong. Jack is out of his coffin and on the loose.

Ricky and Vicki head towards town hoping they can get the police to stop Jack before he kills again. But Jack is ahead of them and who’s going to believe that a dead man’s come back from the grave?

Meanwhile we’ve got more potential victims at the local restaurant, along with the small group of friends partying at some old guys place. Was he an uncle or were they friends of his young girlfriend? I can’t remember.

The movie is put forth as a lost slasher of the 70s that’s recently been discovered and was part of a franchise.  There is a second film called Part V, but there is no part II, III or IV. It’s meant to feel like when there were video stores and you had the pick of what wasn’t already rented. So you go in to rent part two, but all copies are already rented and the only one is stock is part five. There is a continuing thread in this film and the Part V about the restaurant Catfish Cabin and a 27 year old cat named Glamourpuss.

The sets are well done and captures the seventies feel with the bright colors in the restaurant, the fabric and wallpaper patterns, and wood paneling. Although the haircut on the teen waitress would be more comfortable in late 60s than the late 70s. 

Teardrop (2022)

Teachers Chris and Rebecca take three students on a weekend field trip to the ghost town of Teardrop. When they talk to bartender Denver about staying in town, they’re told there is one room in the hotel and a cabin. Everything else is booked, which is odd considering there are no other cars and no people to be seen.  Chris says he would have called but couldn’t find any advertisements or listing for Teardrop. Denver says that’s to avoid being a tourist trap.  No one is suspicious of this, even though Denver is very odd.

Chris is working on a new book. He previously published a book on a frontier ghost town and feels drawn to Teardrop but isn’t sure why.  Rebecca is along for the ride because Chris likes her and he needed a second teacher in order to do the field trip.  The students are stereotypes: Ross the white rapper who hits on chicks; Teala the studious Asian who is worried about getting into college; and Josie who used to using her looks to get what she wants and is obviously trying to seduce Chris.  

The students are members of the Young Writer’s Club, which is later called the Young Author’s Club.  Yet none of them seem to have any interest in writing. There is no direction as to the purpose of this field trip or any tasks for them to complete. They aren’t even helping Chris look into the history of the town.  But he’s mostly doing this by talking to Denver. Did Chris do any research prior to coming to town?  Has he any primary sources which would be required for his book to be taken seriously, or is he relying on rumor and legend?

Denver tells them the town was named after a strange girl who never cried, no matter what the other kids did to her or how badly they bullied her. What a great reason to name a town.  She was the hanging judges daughter and everyone feared him. I wondered why everyone would bully the daughter of the most feared man in town who hanged people on a whim. Then Denver tells us the judge killed his own daughter. Wow so everyone hated this poor girl. What a downer.

The movie set up is odd and the plot points obvious.  Why did Chris bring the students on the trip when he could have done research on his own? Why are they in a writers club when they don’t seem to care about writing?  Are we not supposed to know Chris has a connection to the ghost town and the hanging judge? Denver tells him he looks familiar and thinks he’s been there before.  The hanging judges face is always blurred in photos and in flashbacks his face is hidden. The foreshadowing is like a shovel to the head.

Shout out to the prop department for actually making a newspaper with an article that deals with the hanging judge.  So many prop newspapers are either nonsense words or a photo pasted into an article about something completely unrelated.

Ridiculous dialogue

We don’t allow photos.

This vase must have blown off the dresser from the wind.

Be dumb and stupid for a change. All those bad thoughts will go away. [about suicidal thoughts]

I’ll be waiting on baited breath.

Why didn’t he just drive around them?

Does he always bring a typewriter with him?

The newspaper with the blurry close up photo 

Killer Book Club (2023)

Eight friends who have a book club decide to teach their English professor a lesson after he tries to assault Angela in his office, even after she rebuffs his advances.  He threatens to destroy her future career as a writer if she tells anyone. The group figures he’s probably done this to other women and want pay back.

After Angels says she’s changed her mind and sets up a time to meet with the professor after hours, the group dresses as clowns and arm themselves with pickaxes.  Deadly weapons don’t seem like a good idea for pranks, but I guess it’s one way to ensure he’s scared. 

When the professor accidentally falls over the railing and is killed, the group swears to keep their involvement quiet and the death is deemed an accidental fall. However the next day, they all receive a text that someone named Mad Clown has joined their book club as an administrator. He releases the first chapter of his book, which is about eight friends who kill a professor while doing a prank.

The book states the participants deserve to die and each chapter will detail a members death. Angela starts seeing clowns around campus. The group also starts suspecting each other because who else would know what they did. Then Koldo, the club member who’s an influencer with a vlog about books, live streams about the Mad Clown chapters. So even though he’s on the death list, he’s asking people to read the chapters and help choose the next victim. Koldo isn’t very bright.

The movie is okay. I probably give foreign movies more leeway than US movies. Maybe because subtitles require more concentration.  What drove me nuts about this film is the group talks a lot about what they did while in public.  If you agreed to hide you were part of a prank that killed a professor, would you talk about what happened in the college library? Or in the class that your dead professor taught?  And look at the messages from the Mad Clown on your phone in the dark during class? Way to make sure anyone else sitting near you can see them.

Also if you’re doing a prank, why do you have pickaxes?  Sure it’s going to inspire fear, but you could also accidentally injure someone. Or the victim could grab the weapon and attack you.  I’m still not sure how the professor managed to go over the railing.  The way it was shot it wasn’t clear. 

Lastly the professor mentioned he got an email from Angela.  She says she thought she didn’t hit send on the email.  I know she’s traumatized after his attempted assault, but she never picks up on that discrepancy. She says she sent two chapters of a book and he has no idea what she’s talking about. So obviously something weird is going on.

Also I’m not sure if the killer was obvious to anyone watching or just I’ve seen so many horror movies I can pick out the patterns.

Demon’s Rook (2013)

Roscoe is drawing demons and tells his parents about the friend who visits him in the night. His mother thinks it’s an imaginary friend so she’s fine with it. Unfortunately that’s not the case and his parents are fried in their bed, while Roscoe goes down into a hole in the middle of the woods.

Thirty years later, Roscoe comes out of the hole after releasing a few demons in error. For years the old caretaker had been training him to take over as the keeper of the vessels. But now he’s messed up and  the demons are released on Earth.

Meanwhile his childhood friend Ava manages to escape the zombies who killed her father and almost runs Roscoe down while driving for safety. The two head to an abandoned cabin Roscoe slept in and he tells her the story of where he’s been for thirty years.  At this point, it’s forty seven minutes into the film and there are fifty five minutes left. Good god.

This movie is supposed to be styled as a throw back to older movies. They raised money to fund it, used  practical effects, and it looks good especially for a low budget film.  However an almost two hour running time is way too long.  Plus about a third of the movie doesn’t have dialogue.

Ridiculous dialogue

You and your bear are so ugly.

We’re gonna cause a real rubble ruckus.

Good idea not to let Roscoe taking drawing
lessons from the neighbor

She’s running from zombies but all I can think is
what the hell is that bear on the left?

Her glasses take up a third of her face

The practical effects in this movie are really nice

It’s totally normal when you see your boyfriend ahead 
to stop your car fifty feet away and walk up to him
rather than drive up and saying hello.

Death by Dialogue (1988)

Cary and his friends head out to stay at his Uncle Ive’s farm.  His uncle is in a wheelchair and his caretaker Mrs. Camden is overbearing and a bit dismissive, considering Cary is his nephew.

Uncle tells Cary he and his friends can stay on the movie set nearby. While in the uncle’s basement, Kelly finds a script called Victim 67 and brings it with her.  After reading it for awhile, she put it down. But later she swears previously blank pages now have writing and the number in the title has changed.  

When several of their friends disappear, Kelly tells the Sheriff she thinks the script seems to be mirroring what is happening. What she doesn’t know is the script is evil.

Uncle and Mrs. Camden are alarmed when they discover she has the script. It was supposed to be hidden in a trunk so no one would find it.  The story behind it is a tribe killed a journalist after his insistence on taking photos, which they believed was the cause of bad luck. They put his remains in an urn, which uncle brought back to the states.  Later when Mrs. Camden was cleaning the urn, she accidentally released the spirit and it went into the script, whose number updates with the death of each victim. So… yeah that’s pretty weird.

So we’ve got an inanimate object which holds a spirit who murders and paralyses people. I’m not sure why they don’t burn it or stuff it back in the urn. At the beginning of the movie, worker Thorn steals the script, god knows why, and Mrs. Camden catches him in the basement.  As he wanders through the movie set, a woman in a long flowing robe surrounded by fog and lights comes towards him. Even though she is half the age of Mrs. Camden and dressed totally differently, he believes it’s the modestly dressed spinster.  Sigh.

Ridiculous dialogue

Kelly: What’s in this display, Mr. Jefferson?

Uncle: They’re pre-war Colombian artifacts, Kelly.

Kelly: Well where did they come from?

The script is killing everybody!

How can a script kill someone?

My paralysis is the result of our last attempt to contain it.

He looks like the Greatest American Hero

Music montage playing soccer and flying a kite
in the ghost town movie set

Mrs. Camden seems a bit extreme

Out of nowhere, there’s a metal band

Practical effects for an exploding head

Oh no. this just won’t do