Bloody New Year (1987)

A bunch of teenagers (who look much older) go to a fun fair, save a girl from carnie thugs, and barely escape when the carnies chase them. They head out on a sailing trip, but the boat sinks and they wind up on an island where they find a hotel decorated for a new years celebration. That's odd since it's the middle of summer.

They keep hearing people, but no one is there. A ghost maid appears to one girl, which seems innocent enough. But the spirit who appears out of the movie screen in the theater and the monster who springs out of a table are out for blood.

There is a strange time warp involving the 1959 new year celebration, references to Operation Mirror which was a top secret government project, a plane crash, ghosts in mirrors, and just to add to this jumble, the carnies were so upset with our teens that they actually traveled out to the island to get revenge. They never really explain anything and it's not that much of a bloody new year.

Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Orphans Chris and his sister Nicole move to town where they rent a shack from his wacky Aunt. Chris was a surfer who was banned from competition after an incident with another surfer. While trying to find work at local surf shops, he is invited to a party where he runs into his old nemesis.

The party is hedonistic and Nicole takes a liking to Shane. He gives her a drink which turns out to be vampire blood which causes her to begin a transformation.

Since no one will believe his story, Chris teams up with Edgard Frog to fight the vampires. I'm not sure why no one will believe him since vampires have been in town for years and there are tons of flyers for missing kids who have disappeared. But the sheriff is very nonchalant about it all. There is even a chase scene in which the vampires taunt the cops inside the station. They give chase and end up looking like they're the Keystone Cops.

This is a Lost Boys movie in name only and is very disappointing. Even bringing back Corey Feldman to reprise his role as one of the Frog Brothers can't save this one. Corey Haim appears for a minute at the end, plus in a few short out takes.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

A group of teens decide their school Halloween party is too tame. So they head out to Hull House, which has been abandoned since a massacre occurred there a few years ago. The teens awaken the demons who start killing anyone they cn get their hands on. When the kids try to escape, they accidentally bring the demons back to school by taking something with them from the house.

Now here's what I don't understand. One of the girls finds a lipstick on the floor of the bathroom. The house hasn't been lived in for years, but she decides to use the lipstick. Not only that, but she puts it in her purse for later use. Bleech!! Are you kidding me? Why would anyone take an old lipstick from an abandoned house? You don't know whose used it. That's just gross.

Dead Men Walking (2005)

Travis is sent to prison after police pick him up for murder. He has been infected by an experimental biotoxin which is transferred via body fluids. The CDC knows he was infected, but think the best way to contain the outbreak is to send him to prison- huh?

The CDC lady who arrives at the prison to check on him is not very bright. After Travis pukes blood on the doctor and three convicts, she isn't alarmed. She also doesn't understand why someone who was scratched by one of the infected has died since his wounds were superficial. Even after she confirms Travis is infected, she still isn't concerned that he has puked blood on others.

When the prisoners start turning into zombies and getting out of control, the guards leave the CDC lady in the infirmary with a guy who has been bitten. Whaaa??? The preachy Reverend prisoner is smart enough to figure out that she shouldn't be there when he dies since he's going to come back and try to kill her. But he still has to practically force her to leave, at which point she gets serious by taking off her blazer and shirt to reveal a tank top.

The Warden's son comes to visit which seems odd, but maybe they let kids go to the Wardens office. I don't know. Do you really want to risk your son coming into the prison even when there aren't zombies? It's not like prisoners like the warden.

The sound is inconsistant, with dialogue soft and then other times way too loud. I was constantly turning the volume up and down. Also when the zombie attack starts, there is a siren that goes on and on and on and starts to drive you insane.

Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

A few years ago my friends found this vhs at a yard sale. We were speechless upon viewing it. It's randomness is astonishing. So if you plan to watch it, go for the Riff Trax version as otherwise your head might explode.

Santa and his sleigh become stuck on a beach in Florida. There's no explanation of where the reindeers went, but poor Santa's got to find a way to get back to the North Pole. He uses his psychic powers to call all children in the area to help him. They try to hitch different kinds of animals to his sleigh, which makes no sense since none of the animals can fly.

After the failure to get Santa home, he sits the children down to tell them the story of Thumbelina. This reads more like an advertisement for Pirate World amusement park which is where a girl views the Thumbelina display and imagines herself as part of it. In the middle of all this nonsense, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn show up and hide in the bushes. What the heck?!?!

After most of the movie is consumed by Thumbelina and her mole friends, a heavily sweating Santa finishes his story just in time for the Ice Cream Bunny to drive up in his olde tyme fire engine filled with children. Honestly, can you imagine letting your child hang off an old fire truck while some guy in a bunny suit tries to see out of a massive oversized bunny head? I'm surprised he could see anything at all, let alone the road. Oh yeah, and he doesn't have any ice cream so no idea where they came up with the name. Pure madness.

Don't Look Up (2009)

Marcus heads to Transylvania to remake a movie that was never completed on the same set where tragedy occurred in the 1920s. Shortly after the crew arrive, strange things start to happen, people disappear, and an old man with a huge tumor on his neck says he's been waiting for another film to be made on this set. Marcus has visions, there are accidents on the set, people start dying, and nothing makes much sense. Plus there are disgusting swarms of flies whenever there is paranormal activity.

Hybrid (2007)

When security guard Aaron loses his eyesight while saving a coworker from an explosion, he is chosen to be the first human recipient of a new eye transplant procedure. Not sure why a secret government experiment would chose a civilian for their first test subject, but they do. Aaron is given wolf eyes which works well in the sense that he can see again, plus he has great night vision. But it's not so great in that he starts acting wolfy. Who knew that eyeballs had such power? He develops a craving for raw meat, starts having vision of wolves and buffalo, and doesn't seem to have any control over some of his wolfy actions which causes trouble.

The government is working on this project to give soldiers night vision. Aaron escapes from the hospital before they can study him which leads the military to hunt him down. While Aaron is running around the streets, he meets a Native American woman who is angry about the military experiments on animals. She recognizes Aaron's eyes as those of the injured wolf she had tried to save and decides to help him.

It all boils down to half the film being padded by Aaron running with wolves. There is even a scene right out of Little House on the Prairie where Aaron happily (and awkwardly) runs through a field with a pack of wolves. Nothing really happens once the premise is set up.

Night of the Demons (2009)

Angela throws a Halloween party in the Broussard Mansion, which has been uninhabited for fifty years. Legend has it that many years ago six people disappeared during a Halloween party, but that doesn't concern the partygoers who pay $10 a head to get in.

After the cops arrive to break up the party, Angela, drug dealer Colin, and a small group of friends find themselves stuck at the mansion because the outside gates are locked.

They head back into the mansion and while exploring the basement discover a secret room in the basement which has skeletons lying on the floor. When Angela attempts to steal a gold tooth, the skeleton bites her. Bad news because the bite makes Angela into a demon, even though she usually appears normal.

The demons need to possess seven bodies before daylight and coincidentally, there are seven people left in the building. From this point forward, the movie consists of the demons trying to kill everyone. You'll spend the remainder of the movie wondering why they didn't just climb over the fence once the killings began.

Monster High (1989)

This one made me realize I should really check out the trailer before I watch some of these movies. Alien rap duo Gloom and Doom steal the sphere of imprisonment (which looks like a basketball), bring it to Earth, and accidentally activate the doomsday device.

The sphere contains Mr. Armageddeon. Other than his name, he is completely non-threatening since he resembles an out of shape Liberace and has a pseudo Satan voice. He brings a gargoyle to life, looks through the high school yearbook for hot chicks, and wears a knee length sparkly coat.

While Mr. Armageddeon stalks the hallways turning students into different types of monsters, Gloom and Doom bumble around trying to get him back into the sphere. Some high school students, who appear to be in their twenties, sort of figure out what is happening and try to save the planet.

I would think this movie was for ten year olds, as that seems to be the level of comedy, but there is nudity. It's a bad comedy and fairly painful to watch.

Demonic (2005)

aka Forest of the Damned

The movie opens with a couple parked in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road. There is a horrible screeching noise, which would make me say "I'm outta here" and drive away immediately. But this couple has other ideas and gets out of the car. The boyfriend heads toward a naked lady with big pointy teeth and makes out with her until she kills him. Ah yes, can't start the movie without the requisite random stupid people to set the scene.

A group of friends goes on a trip in an old van that doesn't start easily and gets lost. When they stop for directions, an old man provides exposition and tells them to stay out of the woods. They proceed to drive into the woods and accidentally hit a girl.

Since their phones can't get any reception and the van won't start, two of them stay with the injured girl, while the other three split up to look for help. The single guy stumbles upon some naked nymphs swimming. Being a horrible person, he promptly forgets the injured girl, takes off his clothes, and joins the naked ladies.

The couple ends up at an old farmhouse owned by Tom Savini, who captures the couple and later brings back their friend on a hook. He knows about the nymphs because they killed his parents, but for some reason he stays there, and god only knows why he dragged their friend back to the house on a hook.

The couple escape and are then captured again when they try to find a way to escape. They decide upon a tractor, which is strange since those aren't the fastest vehicles. Probably better to walk, but it's too late since Savini has handcuffed them in the barn to wait for the nymphs.

The nymphs show up and start making out with the girl's boyfriend. She doesn't say anything. What is it about this movie that when naked chicks start kissing their boyfriend the girls do and say nothing? She ends up slicing her wrists to use the blood as a lubricant to get her handcuffs off.

One year later, she's still wandering the woods. An author doing research for a new horror novel drives the dirt road at night, and picks her up. Oh yes, lots of people go missing in these woods. So I decided to drive around the remote dirt roads in the middle of the night all by myself and pick up strangers. Duhrrrrr ,do you really think this will end well?

Betty Blowtorch: And Her True Life Adventures (2003)

I was not familiar with Betty Blowtorch, but figured I'd watch this since I'd heard good things about it. The filmmaker traveled with them and shot footage of them for several years. So we see a band very comfortable and open with the camera since they are dealing with someone they know. There is plenty of live footage, interviews with the band, studio footage, and interviews with those who worked with them.

The documentary provides background on how the band started from the ashes of another band. Bianca became the singer by default after the previous singer walked out in the middle of a tour. As the film progresses, she goes from awkward as the center of attention to having a good stage presence.

The focus is mostly on Bianca due to her demise in a car accident. Combine that with the sad story of abuse in her childhood and overcoming a drug addiction, and even if you've never heard of the band, you'll really feel for loss of Bianca. She's very engaging and you can't help but like her as she shows off her collection of lunch boxes and gives the interviewer a tour of her home.

Epoch (2001)

A mystery monolith appears in Bhutan and brings a boy back from the dead. This causes the US military to request the help of a consultant known for his hunches to try to figure out what the heck this giant thing is.

There is friction with China, who wants in on the action and does not like the US taking control of the object. If anyone dies, the monolith is able to heal them. This takes quite a bit of tension out of the movie, such as when two of the main characters are trying to dive out of the spinning monolith and have to land on a narrow platform. Really? Because if you miss and plummet to your death, the thing will heal you, so why all the fuss?

Dr. Chopper (2005)

After the death of his mother, Nicholas and his friends head up to an old cabin that had belonged to his mother. On the way, they run into a creepy old guy on a motorcycle. Unbeknownst to them, this is Dr. Chopper who, along with his nurses, disappeared twenty years ago after the police found dead bodies in his lab.

Dr. Chopper needs body parts to continue to stay young. So he relocated to a small town where the nearest thing to law enforcement is Park Ranger Terrell, who doesn't have much of an interest in life and runs away when confronted by a naked woman with a knife. Granted she just killed someone, but she is much smaller than him. Also the town is known for people disappearing in the woods, but other than the large volume of missing persons flyers, nothing seems to be done about it.

What I want to know is why do people always decide to take long trips to stay at mystery properties they've never heard of that they inherit? No one has lived there for twenty years, but hey everyone, lets go stay at the cabin. No thought as to what shape it's in, whether there are squatters there, or it's a hangout for criminals, local youth, or a gang.

Also the country store has tons of flyers for kids who have disappeared in the woods. Plus an extremely annoying girl is looking for her girlfriend who has just disappeared. Yet they have no qualms about going into the middle of nowhere to stay at the mystery cabin? What is wrong with people?!

Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)

aka Wasting Away

After a failed military experiment whose purpose is to make super soldiers, a barrel of toxic chemicals falls out of a truck on the way to the disposal area. It ends up behind a bowling alley where several teenagers mistake it for part of the nights deliveries and end up consuming the toxin which has been mixed with ice cream.

The teens get sick and become zombies, but they don't realize it because from their point of view, nothing has changed. So they can't understand why everyone runs away from them.

They meet a Private who tells them that the other people who are running are infected and that he has become a super soldiers. The Private is looking for a cure and seeks out a top military official.

The concept of a movie told from the zombies point of view is interesting. When the film is in color, it is what the zombies are seeing, and when it is in black and white, that is what the uninfected see. The group doesn't know that they are zombies and there is some humor in seeing them talking among themselves while all everyone else hears is typical zombies sounds.

While it has comedic overtones, it's not very funny. The only time I laughed out loud was when the Private decided to infiltrate a Mexican restaurant disguised as a waiter saying, "I've been trained in espionage." Seeing a zombie wearing a sombrero, shuffling along with a tray of food, interspersed with the footage from his own point of view where he thinks he is blending in made me laugh.

Once the zombies decide to find a place to be free, that is when the film totally lost me. The dialogue was very contrived and like any other movie where a minority is trying to overcome persecution. So the ending was not satisfactory and it wasn't all that funny, but I liked the idea and did enjoy the first two thirds of the film.

The Murder Game (2006)

A group of friends play a game where one is the killer and the others try to avoid being victims. The killer is chosen by drawing a card so it is not obvious to the others who has been designated the killer. The game ends either when the killer has murdered them all, or someone figures out the killers identity.

When their parents ban them from playing in the house, they decide to play in a self storage warehouse which doesn't have overnight guards. They sneak in, hide in a storage locker until the place closes, and then begin their game.

They stash their cell phones in a locker so anyone who is killed can not tip off the others as to the killers identity. Everyone is having fun until people start dying for real. There is a killer on the loose and they're locked in the building until the doors open at 6 am.

When the group proposed playing in the storage facility by saying, "...think of all the places to hide...", I thought uh, okay - corridors, stairways, what else? Turns out that not all the storage lockers at this place are locked, so that provides many more places to hide.

The teenagers all look like they are college aged, except perhaps the girl who plays Lucy who look like Corey Haim's little sister. The group sometimes plays it smart by deciding they need to stick together and hide quietly in a storage locker. But then they get dumb and decide to split up and leave the locker.

Overall this was far more enjoyable than I expected, especially for a low budget indie film. I was worried when I saw the preview, but it was a decent film. The ending wasn't the greatest, but otherwise not bad.

The Hole (2001)

Students at a British prep school are spending a few days on a field trip to end the semester. Four students report that they are going home early and will not be going. Since their parents think they are on the trip, the kids plan to spend the next few days partying in an old bomb shelter near the school.

Geeky Martin has a key to the door of the shelter and locks them in, vowing to return in three days when the field trip is over. But he never comes back and the group is stuck inside with no way out, and hardly any food or liquid.

Almost three weeks later, Liz appears out of nowhere in a state of shock and is taken to the hospital where she tells her story to a psychiatrist. Her three friends are found dead in the bomb shelter and Martin is brought in for questioning. Martin claims he knows nothing about what happened and that Liz is lying that he was involved in any way.

The first half of the movie covers Liz's story of what happened, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would you be locked into the shelter? Why not just shut the door? Why do the police take the word of the only surviving person? Wouldn't they consider that person as a possible suspect?

The second half of the film deals with what has actually happened. But the biggest question I have is where did these kids get the key to the bomb shelter? It's one thing to find an old shelter that is unlocked, but to actually have the key? Why would anyone let themselves be locked in is beyond me.

Food of the Gods (1976)

Three football players go hunting on an island, run into giant wasps, and one man is stung to death. The survivors end up at the Skinners, where a greedy businessman and a female biologist have come to purchase the rights to what the Skinners call Food of the Gods - a thick white substance that comes out of the ground that is being fed to their chickens.

Whatever this glop is, the chickens have grown to be bigger than an automobile. Other animals and insects on the island are also ingesting it and increasing in size. Thus the problem with the giant wasps and the soon to be problem with the giant rats.

Close ups of cute little rats swarming a Barbie sized camper is adorable not threatening. Then when the real camper is used, they switch to rat puppet heads which are also adorable in a different way. Scary? No, not in the slightest.

So basically you can sum it all up by saying Marjoe Gortner and some cute looking giant rat puppets run around on an island. A businessman sets himself up to be mauled by a giant animal to teach him the error of his greedy ways and everyone panics.

The Keep (1983)

During World War II, Nazis assigned to guard a pass in a small town in Romania take over an old fortress, aka the keep. When they find crosses in the walls that seem to be made of silver, a few of the men decide to remove them in hope of making money.

The removal of the first cross opens a portal in the keep which releases an evil presence who starts killing the Nazis. When the SS rolls into town, they believe that the Nazi deaths are due to the townfolk and threaten to kill them if the deaths don't stop.

There is also a professor and his daughter who are brought to the keep to help the Nazis. Plus a stranger who knows what the keep holds and makes it his job to try to contain the evil within it. The evil being, Molasar, is kind of spooky and looks cool. The film is more suspense than horror.

Werewolf Hunter (2004)

aka Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunter

Oh Julian Sands, what supernatural being won't you play? In Spain in the 1850s, bodies are turning up and appear to have been killed by an animal, possibly a wolf. Traveling soap salesman Manuel Romasanto drives his wagon through the countryside and charms the people he meets, especially the ladies. But appearances can be deceiving as Romasanto believes himself a werewolf. He kills the people he charms and takes fat from his victims to make his soap. Blurghhh!

When Barbara's older sister and niece disappear after leaving with Romasanto, Barbara gradually comes to the realization they have been killed. She then begins her pursuit of Romasanto with the help of the authorities.

This isn't so much a horror film as perhaps a drama with horror overtones. It's based on a real man who claimed to be a werewolf when caught for a series of killings. The movie is story based, not action based, and if you want to see lots of werewolf, you'll be disappointed.

Platoon of the Dead (2009)

Kids messing around with the supernatural inadvertently start a war after playing with a ouija board (!?!?) which opens a door to another world. An evil thing comes through the door and has so much hate that it starts raising the dead. Oooo-kay.

After a zombie attack on their unit, the three surviving men take refuge in a house that they later discover contains three women. So much for being good soliers since they didn't even notice the trap door in the floor which concealed the women.

The house turns out to be where the kids held their seance and the zombies are heading there to find the last remaining kid. The zombies wear gas masks, thus avoiding the need for any make up.

This is an extremely low budget film shot on video with a score that sounds like it was done on a keyboard by someone who watched a lot of 1950s horror and murder mysteries. Unfortunately it is totally inappropriate for this movie.

The military have super clean, new looking military outfits and toy guns. The acting and script are rudimentary at best. This was very painful to watch.