The Gits (2005)

I wasn't familiar with the Gits other than that they were based in Seattle and Mia Zapata, their lead singer, was murdered.  This documentary draws you in and makes you feel for Mia and the friends she left behind.

The film focuses on who Mia Zapata was rather than on her demise.  There are interviews with family, band members, and friends who all paint a picture of Mia as a kind, empathetic person who everyone loved.  A girl who was shy and gawky, but shined when she got on stage.

Friends and band members laughingly recall her awkwardness, yet have such affection for her so many years later that you can tell how much she touched their lives.  Her fathers remarks are particularly moving.

There is a lot of footage of Mia singing.  Even those who never met her or were never fans of the band will sense a feeling of loss at what might have been if she had lived.  The film includes video, photographs, and the recollections of people still moved by someone they will always miss.

Although she was murdered in 1993, the case went unsolved until ten years later when they were able to match DNA from the crime scene to a man who had recently had his DNA added to the national database.

And for anyone wondering, their name was based on the Monty Python skit involving Sniveling Little Rat Faced Git. (I know that sketch is what I always think of when I hear the word git).

Flashback: Murderous Vacation (2000)

As a child Jeanette witnessed the murder of her parents by a serial killer wearing a dress and carrying a sickle.  After spending the next ten years in an asylum, her doctor releases her to take a summer job tutoring French to three rich kids.

Jeanette is not all that keen to do this since she hasn't been outside the institute in ten years and still can't remember what happened after the killer cornered her the night of the murder.  But the doc thinks it would be good for her and sends her on her way.

When she arrives at the mansion, her luggage disappears from the front of the house.  Later it shows up again, but there is a dress missing.  The housekeeper warns her that the kids are horrid, but Jeanette thinks they're lovely.

Jeanette keeps seeing a light on in the stable, but no one will talk about it.  Driving home one night with the kids, she sees a figure in a dress holding a sickle on the edge of the road.  No one else sees it.  But soon someone with a sickle is killing the rich kids friends.

Is it the killer come back for Jeanette?  Is it a terrible coincedence?  Is it all in her head?  And what kind of a doctor would release a women with unresolved mental issues from witnessing the double murder of her parents?

This is a German film so be prepared for questionable dubbing.  While there's nothing new here as far as the story goes, overall it's okay and held my interest. But the last scene made me sigh and roll my  eyes.  Really?

Final Stab (2001)

Kristen invites her estranged sister Angela and boyfriend Charlie to a party at a remote estate.  When they arrive, Kristen tells Angela it's a surprise party for her as she wants to mend their relationship.  But Kristens real intent is to get revenge on Charlie for rejecting her advances.

Charlie has been having nightmares and is not real jazzed to be there, especially since the house is the scene of a multiple  murder a number of years ago.

Kristen enlists the help of her friends by saying she plans to open a mystery murder theater and this will be the run through to see if it works.  Since she browbeats and blackmails her friends, none of them mention that this isn't a viable test run since patrons of murder mystery theaters know it's a show, as opposed to Angela and Charlie who will believe real murders are taking place.

She hires an actor to wear a mask and pretend to kill their friends.  Of course what else could happen in this situation other than a real murderer shows up, kills the actor, and starts murdering people for real.  Extra victims are provided by way of three guys who follow them to the house because one wants revenge on Kristen who is a horrible nasty person.  The three wander around, two get killed pretty quickly, and the last one is still wandering around late at night and annnoyed because he can't get the others on his phone.

The music seems beyond the budget for this film.  And yes, the mask looks as stupid as it does on the cover.  Add knives that are obviously fake, characters you'll dislike, numerous plot holes and you've got yourself a movie, I guess.

Video Violence 2 (1987)

The sequel to Video Violence revolves around Howard and Eli, the killers from the first movie, who have a pirate tv station.  They cut in on other channels and broadcast aptly named The Howard and Eli Show.  The two act as hosts and introduce clips of  murders they commit, and encourage fans to submit their own homemade snuff films.

Three girls are so enamoured by the show, that they decide to kill a pizza delivery guy.  Seriously?  You don't think they can trace that back to you?  These amateur killers aren't even clever.

The movie is just like watching bad public access tv, and I mean that in the worst possible way.  It's painful to watch, the acting is horrible, and most of the movie takes place on a badly put together sound stage.

Video Violence (1987)

A couple moves from New York City to a small town in New Jersey to open a video store.  When an unknown tape is returned  in a video box, the owner and clerk pop it in the VCR and see what appears to be the murder of a local man.

When the owner tries to file a report with the police, the Sheriff begrudgingly accompanies him back to the store. But upon their arrival, they discover the clerk and the tape are missing.

When another tape is left at the store, the owner goes to the the police again.  The Sheriff doesn't believe him. Since the owner  won't leave, the Sheriff puts the tape into a huge old vcr but hits the record button instead of the play button.

The couple start getting uneasy as they realize the townsfolk only rent gore or porn, and tapes of murders keep showing up at the store.

This is very low budget.  Sound appears to have been recorded using the on camera mic as there is no sign of ADR.  There is lots of background noise, the music sounds like a midi keyboard, the Sheriff has a bad toupe, and there is tons of padding in the film.  Also the killers are really annoying characters.

Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead (2007)

Aki, the new girl in school, bonds with an overly friendly girl who is on the swim team. Oddly enough they have matching birth marks.

When the school begins mandatory vaccinations, those who get the shot turn into zombies except for the girls on the swim team.  The girls try to determine why they aren't changing and figure out how to survive.

Flashbacks show that Aki used to be the prisoner of an insane, flute playing, rapist, mad scientist who trained her to be a water assassin.  That refers to her coming out of the water to kill, not  assassinating water.

With zombies and mad scientists, you'd think this would be great (other than the rape), but it's not. Great title, so-so movie.

Illegal Aliens (2007)

I'm at a loss as to figure out how this got approved every step of the way.  You'd think someone would have said no at some point.  There is so much wrong with this.  It's like watching a train wreck.

Three space aliens come to Earth, take the form of sex pots and become stunt coordinators in Hollywood.  Soon after a bad alien arrives and plans to destroy Earth while the good aliens try to stop him.

Anna Nicole Smith is a retarded space alien with a squeaky baby voice who mugs for the camera and can turn herself into cars, helicopters, or anything else.  Joanie Laurer is another alien and chews the scenery so badly that it's hard to believe she's not the worst actress in this film.

Meanwhile a federal agent played by the cab driver from Giancola's Time Chasers runs around trying to catch the aliens.  It's painfully bad and there are too many jokes about flatulence.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

In 1940 the entire population of Friar, NH walked into the woods never to return. Searchers found the bodies of half the townsfolk along the path, but what happened to the others  and why they left remains a mystery.  As the documents on the case have recently been declassified, a research team decides to go to Friar to discover what really happened.

When the team arrives in town, they are stumped to find that the coordinates for the head of the trail are on a sidewalk in front of a movie theater.  This leads me to conclude they are the worst researchers ever.  Seriously, did no one look at a map?  Has anyone ever done basic research before? Have they never heard of this thing called the internet?  Or did they just decide to make like Scooby Doo, pack their cars and go solve a mystery?

They obviously didn't do any research online as they could have found information regarding the current state of the town, including google maps to check out the current terrain.  Yeah, real nice research, jackasses, I'm sure you'll be successful in your quest.

After talking to people in the theater they do stumble upon the path.  After going deep into the woods, they begin to hear music.  But they are terrible researchers and only entertain theories involving the music having something to do with the mystery of the missing people.  How about entertaining some other possibilities?  Maybe someone else is camping in the woods and listening to music.  Or perhaps the sound is carrying up the mountain from a lake area.  Or maybe it is a radio station being picked up by something.

The group start to act weird and get urges to hurt others.  After a fight with his sister who steals his hat - a hat that he had found in the woods and believes is from the townspeople who disappeared seventy years ago, yuck why was he wearing it? - her brother goes insane, chases her down, and starts pummeling her.  Then he rips her leg off at the femur with his bare hands. That's right,  I said the femur. Sigh, it's all down hill from here people.

The best summation for this film is people wander through the woods for days listening to big band music, and then they're insane.  Yup, that about sums it up.  The biggest problem is that not much happens in the first half of the movie.  Plus almost every scene takes place during the daytime.  Pretty scary, huh kids?

Also the music is happy, bouncy, big band stuff, and while sometimes music can be effective when used ironically, it isn't here.  When bursts of noise occur, it was just unbelievably annoying, rather than scary.

Shallow Ground (2005)

As the last boxes are being packed up at a small town Sheriffs station that is closing, a naked boy drenched in blood and clutching a knife wanders into the building.  The boy appears to be in a daze and won't speak.  Strange things start to happen after his arrival.  At times he bleeds profusely. The blood spills across the floor but it seems to have a life of its own as the boy can make it move at will.

The Sheriff is convinced that the boy has done something horrible.  Not sure why he doesn't consider that perhaps something awful has happened to the boy, traumatized him and sent him in shock.  If he's a killer, its unlikely that he'd go to the police rather than trying to hide his crime.

The Sheriff and deputies spend their last day in the office trying to figure out who the boy is, what happened to him, and what else is going on in the town as people start disappearing.

While the premise is interesting, the trailer is effective, and the music is creepy, overall the movie fails as there are too many plot holes.  A bus breaks down on the only bridge out of town as a convenient plot device to keep anyone from leaving.  The Sheriff doesn't notice the stench of dead bodies when they are in the next room.  The killer, who seems to have lead a normal life, not only wants revenge but apparently is completely psycho since the victims are held together with fish hooks and sitting them at the dinner table.  Also the killer needs strength to tie up the victims and hang them from trees, as well as stealth to sneak up on them. Once the killer is revealed, I'm not buying that the killer could do any of that.

Creature (1985)

Heavily influenced by the movie Alien, a space ship lands on Titan, are targeted by a hostile life form, meet a melty faced German who eats a big sandwich, and end up feeling really stupid when the tiny alien that attaches itself to the astronauts head can be ripped off and destroyed by being stepped on.  Boy do they feel stupid, especially the dead guys.

It's hard to tell the characters apart since they all wear the same type of space suits and have over sized helmets.  The Ripley character is supposed to be able to handle anything but she ends up getting felt up by Klaus Kinski, and then gets lost on the planets surface.  Really, she's not much help at all.

This is more of a slow moving, dialogue heavy movie typical of space movies in the 80s.   The alien life force takes over the bodies of its victims and there are a few bloody scenes of space carnage, but other than Kinski there's not much of interest here.

Sigma Die! (2007)

A group of sorority girls rent a house for the summer and plan to meet up with some frat boys who concoct a ruse to get the house mother to go away for a week.  The house comes with a couple of creepy caretakers and an overly involved property owner.

Flashback to 1985 where a few guys in a fraternity go on a panty raid.  Their newest pledge is hoisted into the bedroom and instructed to grab some underwear. But instead of stealing it, he tries it on and preens in front of the mirror.  When he is caught by the girls, he panicks and runs down stairs through a huge party and out into the street never to be seen again.  Later a body is discovered in the woods but is too mutilated to determine the sex of the victim.

Back to the present, a killer is on the loose, and at 34 minutes into the film, it starts over.  I mean literally the film begins again -  the exact same footage is used. Why?  All the scenes are repeated, with a little additional footage here and there.  If the first 34 minutes were removed from the film, you wouldn't miss a thing.

The kids are obnoxious.  Joe Estevez looks perpetually confused and Reggie Banister needs to lay off the hair dye.  The sound is inconsistent, but then again the dialogue isn't that great so it's not a big loss.

The ending leaves us with too many questions, including why did the pledge blame the frat guys for leaving him?  They asked him to do a panty raid, not make like a transvestite.  He was the one who decided to try the underwear on and prance around in front of the mirror.  I still can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to do that during a party at a sorority house.

Fear House (2008)

Famous author Samantha rents an isolated home whose basement door is boarded up.  Don't know about you, but there's no way I'd want to stay even one night in a pristine home with the basement door boarded up. It's not normal, I tell you!

Nine months later, her brother, agent, agents assistant, and the daughter of the real estate agent who showed her the place take a ride out to the home since no one has heard from her.  Why are they all in the same car?  Who the hell knows?!

Samantha's husband, who she has a restraining order against, and his new girlfriend show up at the same time as everyone else.  He needs her to sign the divorce papers because apparently he gets half her money once they're divorced.  Why did they arrive at the exact same time as everyone else?  Who the hell knows?!

After searching the house, they find Samantha hiding under a table in the dark.  She tells them they can never leave as the house can read minds and will prey on their fears.  She also spews the legend of Analise who will kill them if they try to leave.  Sounds incredibly stupid so someone leaves, and yup, they're killed by the house.

The rest of the movie is Samantha making you want to punch her stupid face, her hemophiliac brother Anthony accidentally cutting himself repeatedly, general stupidity, and everyones fears trying to kill them.

A major error in continuity occurs when Samantha states the abusive Reverend of legend is their great grandfather, but when they show the family tree, she and her brother aren't on the same branch.  Oops!

Harvest of Fear (2004)

Billy McKinley arrives in Devils Lake to work as an intern at the medical clinic.  Billy wants to go into forensics just like his dad, who worked at the same clinic twenty years ago during the Devils Lake Harvest Festival murders where twelve kids were killed.  A local man was convicted of the murders, but to this day his family still insists he was innocent.

The Harvest Festival involves a bunch of drunk kids rolling into town, running around with masks and causing trouble.  The town puts up with this as it's good for business and the festival provides tons of money for the towns economy.

A group of friends rents a cabin and before long two of them are murdered behind the barn near the cabin.  Normally if a friend were murdered that would put a damper on the trip.  But not for these kids.  Only one kid is upset their friends are dead and wants to leave. The others want to stay because they came there to party.

The police want everyone to keep quiet about the dead bodies as it's the first day of Harvest Fest and they don't want to scare off the tourists.  Eventually there are more murders which prompts the ridiculous comment by the police spokesman, "Although there have been nine murders, we're not prepare to say they're connected..."  Really?

It's pretty obvious who the murderer is. In fact it's so obvious that I thought it was a red herring to throw us off the trail of the real murderer.  Oh stupid movie, I gave you far too much credit.

Also strange is the scene where Billy is picked up for interrogation.  He's in the office being grilled when his girlfriend just walks into the room.  What kind of police station is this?

Girl - I'm freaked that a killer is running around.
Guy - I left my lighter at the bbq. Stay here and I'll go get the lighter.
Girl - Okay (as he leaves her alone in the middle of the woods).
Carnage ensues.

Ripper 2: Letter from Within (2004)

Son of a bitch!  That's what you'll say when you get to the end of this one.  On second thought, don't make that mistake and bypass this altogether.

The movie opens where the first one left off - same scene, same voice over narrative.  Molly, who is now in an asylum, is told that none of her treatments are working so they'd like to offer her the chance to sign up for an experimental program.  The treatment would be in Europe as the methods used would not be allowed in the US.  Molly gladly signs and is promptly shipped off to Prague.  Strange, I didn't know it was legal for insane people to sign themselves up for experimental treatment that is outlawed in the US due to questionable research methods, but oh well.

Doctor Weisser of the Weisser Institute introduces her to the others in the experiment and provides exposition on each individuals problems.  Weisser believes that introducing stimulated trauma in a virtual environment will help the brain heal itself.  Basically, reality is suspended and the person believes everything that is happening in their head.  Uhhhh, wouldn't they already be doing that since they're all insane?!?  And since when is it a good idea to subject a damaged person to more trauma, even if it's simulated?

Weisser believes genetic material contains life experience.  Since Molly is a descendant from Jack the Ripper, she would have Ripper DNA.  Fantastic!  So it shouldn't be a problem to let her roam around the nightmare in her head where she's stalked and killed by the Ripper.   When the nurse wants to taper Molly's dosage due to Molly's excessive response to the simulated trauma, Weisser says no since she's his best subject.

Here's where the plot starts to twist uncontrollably, as if it wasn't in jeopardy of imploding already.  Software problems cause Weisser to take his test subjects to Prague for a day of cavorting.  Here the film is padded out with raves, a dance club, and more death.  Ooops!  Nope, it's all virtual reality.  They never went to Prague.  Oh wait, somethings in the program with them.  Scratch that, it's a dream.  No wait, it's real.  Nope, that was actually a dream again.  Is this real?  Yes..... no, wait, it's really a dream.  Wait, what?  Seriously movie, why would you do this?!?!

Of laughable note: The Ripper sounds like a Tiger.

Nonsensical dialogue:
Molly - "Can the brain lose touch with reality and get lost in the dream world?
Weisser - If so, we wake you up.

Ripper: Letter From Hell (2001)

Formerly the leading profiler of serial killers before dropping off the map, Professor Kane is teaching a class on - what else -  serial killers.  He teaches his students they must think outside the box or become a victim.

During a party at an old warehouse, one of the class members is murdered.  One of the study groups in class decides they want to try to solve the murder.  But Molly,  the only survivor of a killer five years earlier, opts out as it's now real and not just theory.

After more students in the class are murdered, the policy believe the killer is targeting the class. Molly suggests that the killer is mirroring Jack the Ripper as the wounds on the students match the wounds on the Ripper's victims in order of their death.  The professor doesn't listen to Molly's Ripper theory so a classmate who works in the morgue decides to inspect the body of the latest victim.  Before she meets a similar fate, she is drugged and hallucinates Cockney prostitutes.

The study group, or what is left of it, heads up the the Professors cabin in the woods.  A cabin which has no phone and no way to contact anyone in case there is a problem, oh like say... a killer in the woods.  While discussing the case further, Molly notices that the Rippers victims and her dead classmates have the same initials and are dying in the same order.  Instead of sticking together to stay safe, they start fighting and split up.

The odds of the students in the same class having the initials of the Rippers victims is astronomical.  I'm guessing they thought they were clever by coming up with this angle, but instead it makes it seem so contrived.  Also the professors whole class revolves around thinking outside the box to avoid being a victim, and studying the methods at which serial killers gain the trust of their victims.  So I guess none of them did much studying because everyone ends up doing things that put them at risk.  I guess the one thing you can say about it is that it's way better than the absolutely horrible sequel.

Bloodlust Zombies (2011)

Scientists devise a chemical for use in war that causes enemy soldiers to kill each other, thus eliminating the need for our troops to risk their lives.  The problem is the scientists have been so focused on their task of creating a killing machine, that they never devised a way to stop them once the enemy is dead.

An accident in the building unleashes the toxin and the building goes into lock down.  Although the lab has  just celebrated the success of the serum - with champagne in blue plastic flute glasses -  once it is released in the building their reaction is, "God help us."  So maybe they should have done better work since accidents and sabotage are always possible.

For a lab that does secret government projects like this, they have a terrible security system.  In order for the doors to be released from lock down (security can't override it), they need to shut off the power to the building, then turn it back on and reboot the system which takes twenty five minutes.  Security has to check the doors to make sure they are locked and no one can get out until the system reboots.  Strangely everyone panics when the lights go out, even though there was just an announcement that the power was going to be shut off.

When the accident occurs,  several people in the isolation lab become infected and begin killing.  Since no one can get out of the building, the virus starts spreading.  A temp worker who just arrived for her first day of work convinces security to let her into the control room and then proceeds to verbally rip the guard apart.  She is the most annoying character.  Everyone watching the film hated her and wished she'd die. It's the only film I can think of where you want people to stop helping the annoying asshole character.  So we all cheered when the guard pushed her out of the safe room. Yay!

Also of note is that Alexis Texas is a porn actress, so that tells you the quality of the film when she's listed as the selling point.

Vampegeddon (2010)

The oldest goth teens on Earth go to the desert to perform a vampire ritual.  It's all fun and games except for one girl who hates her life and actually wants to be a vampire.

After being coerced into taking an old book at a yard sale, they find the book of rituals is real.  When actual vampires arrive, the ancient teens freak out.  The rest of the movie revolves around the spirit of a vampire hunter possessing the smart girl, and the group whining about their miserable lives.

This is one of those movies where you'll laugh hysterically through the first half, but then the laughs wind down and you'll get bored.  The vampires are the white grease paint type and they spend most of their time hissing.  And yes, they do look like the guy on the cover.

We spent some time debating whether the actors were supposed to be teenagers or college students.  They appear to be older than either, but eventually we settled on them being high school students due to the following:

1. they live with their parents
2. they need to steal alcohol from their parents rather than buy it
3. a bell rings to signal the start of class (something that does not happen in college)
4. they need an explanation as to why they are late to class (again, not in college)
5. they keep bitching that they wish they didn't have to live in this town (if you're over 18 you can move)

Things that made us laugh:

• the vampire make up makes them look like Pandas
• the goth mobile is a large white Bronco (or similar looking vehicle)
• excessive use of a fog machine
• distracting dubbing
• bad dialogue
• there are three girls - two have large fake boobs and the third one is smart
• make up sometimes wears off the vampires faces, necks and bald heads
• the line, "Prepare my bride" apparently means remove her clothes since that's all the minions did

Very, very low budget and it shows.

Steven Seagal Lawman (2009)

It's Steven Seagal.  He's in New Orleans.  He's a lawman. He's a one many army and he enemy is crime.  Yup.

It's basically Cops starring Steven Seagal. As if Seagal being a police officer isn't surreal enough, he disrupts every crime scene visits.  Both victim and criminal does a double take, forgets their problems and asks for an autograph.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

Barb goes to the cemetery with her brother Johnny, an even bigger douchebag than he was in the original film.  When two zombies appear, Johnny drives off and leaves her at their mercy.  Barb runs away, through the woods and down a dirt road.  She's either been running a really long time or there's a lack of continuity as it's now nighttime and  she's still running.

When Barb calls Johnny for help, her phone message confirms that she has major issues.  She apologizes for getting mad at him as he had no choice but to leave her alone with killer zombies.  Oh Barb, grow some self esteem and a backbone.  Johnny is a jerk for abandoning you.

Somehow the zombies find her again, but luckily a young man on a motorcycle rescues her and brings her to his friends farm.  They find the family and their farm hand smoking weed and watching the original Night of the Living Dead.  Inexplicably after zombies bite the  farm hand, they are not alarmed.  They try to make him comfortable rather than taking heed of the movie they are currently watching.

In more stupidity, they shoot the zombies in the chest, not the head.  And what sort of idiot shoots a zombie through a window?  By breaking a window on ground level, you've just given them a way into the house.  Aargghh!

An explanation for the zombies is provided by the local mortician who hates cremation, but it's not a great explanation and the ending is really stupid.

Eye of the Beast (2007)

Dr. James Van Der Beek - referred to as Science Guy by the less intellectually developed locals -  arrives in town to conduct research as to why the fish population is disappearing.  The town's economy is based on fishing and there is mounting tension with blame being levied at the Native Americans who do not have the same restrictions on their catch.

Our Lady Sheriff is not a very bright bulb.  She invites Science Guy on a search for a missing tourist, but spends her time strolling down the beach chatting as if on a date.  Luckily after she walks by the dead body without noticing, the ever alert Science Guy brings it to her attention.

For years Lady Sheriff has insisted the tales of a giant squid in the water are true and when Science guy tries to back her up, things in town take an ugly turn.  In a twist, Lady Sheriff closes down the lake and doesn't risk everyones life.  Then again, there wasn't a big festival that weekend, it was just the towns livelihood.  Everyone gets mad at her, but seem to have amnesia regarding the fact that Science Guy was called in because the fish are disappearing from the lake.

It's a harmless little movie with cliches we've all seen before, but it's an okay way to waste a rainy afternoon.