The Basement (2017)

After they finish their exams, a group of college students in Hungary throw a party.  The police shut it down after a complaint from their neighbor and the six friends left in the apartment decide to have a seance.

After one of the guys breaks the circle, Sarah notices her cat is gone.  Outside they hear meowing coming from the basement, which is usually locked and has a no trespassing sign on it. Inexplicably the entire group tromps into the basement and goes through another open door. They wander down a long corridor and end up in a room with a lot of manikins. Unfortunately there is also a creepy girl mixed in with the manikins and she’s already stabbed the partygoer in the horsehead mask.

Running back to the entryway, they find themselves locked in.  Susie thinks they may have released a a demon since Kolos broke the circle during the seance. So when they run across the creepy girl again, they decide to set her on fire.   No one shall ask why Susie wasn’t challenged. If someone I knew said we had to set a demon on fire, I’d be concerned we’d be murdering a person, not to mention they are setting a fire in a basement with no ventilation. 

The characters are not the brightest.  They’re trying to escape a killer, but they’re arguing. At one point, they see the door where they can escape and one couple starts making out.  As they head toward the exit, one wants the other to come back to look at something. Oh my god!  Why? Tell him about it later. There is a killer down there. Stop looking at things. Stop making out. Stop asking questions. Get out. GET OUT! 

The opening of the movie is found footage of some people breaking into the basement and getting murdered. So we already know the basement is no good. This beginning makes you think you’re going to be watching a found footage movie. But it’s not, although one of the characters does have a camera.

Susie isn’t the greatest person. She says they should leave the injured behind. She tries to convince the others it’s so they can get help, when it’s obviously about saving herself. Early on she blames herself for getting trapped in the basement since the cat is hers. Later she blames Kolos because his disbelief of the seance broke the spell and allowed a demon to come into this world. Yeah Susie isn’t great.

Anyone who is a regular horror viewer will guess the ending long before the end of the film. I would have been more surprised if it hadn’t played out the way it did.

Dialogue from partygoers with questionable reasoning:

I’ve already told you the ghost can take human form.

We found her, we trapped her and we burnt her alive.

Using the flashlight when the light is on

A door to escape? Let’s make out.

Everyone troop down to the basement to look for the cat.

Rentals still come with landlines?

The Spider in the Attic (2021)

 Linda is a radio host who’s seen better days. Her time slot has been moved to 3am and her ratings are down. When the radio station threatens to replace her, she says she has an idea for a serious program about an unsolved true crime.  She asks for a few days to figure it out.

Based on a tip from her daughter, Linda pitches the idea to investigate a Nazi doctor who lies a few hours away. She says she needs to be more controversial. They’ll drive up to the house and ask to speak to him while broadcasting live.  Begrudgingly, the station gives approval on the condition that two big wigs go with her to ensure she’s not wasting their money on a spa visit for her family.

Linda and her entourage arrive at the doctors to find no one is home. When Lucy breaks in by reaching through the window to unlock the door, Linda is worried they’ll get in trouble. But Lucy says they’ll say the door was open so it’s fine to go in. Is it?  The two wander to the front door to let the others in.  At this point Linda pulls out a recorder to start her story. So much for doing a live broadcast, or for noticing the massive spiderweb in the corner. 

While exploring the house, they find the doctors body and rather than call the police, they decide to investigate to determine what happened. Linda claims this is what real reporters do. I would argue most reporters don’t contaminate death scenes and those that do are bad reporters.  

Their plan is absurd. They’re going to tromp all over the house to see if they can find anything for their story. Then they’ll call the police and say they were driving by and Linda’s pregnant daughter had to use the bathroom. So they stopped, found the door unlocked, went in, and found the doctors body.  They don’t seem to realize this isn’t a good plan.

There is not enough spider in this movie. Also the people are not very bright.  Linda brings her entire family on this trip, even though the radio station is afraid she’s trying to pay for a family vacation.  One daughter is pregnant and near her due date. But she insists on going since she’s just had a fight with her boyfriend and she’d just spend all her time on the phone with him.  He’s also coming since she can’t leave him alone due to the fight. The fight continues at the doctors house until the boyfriend decides to leave.  So both of them are useless. It’s awkward as hell and since this is for Linda’s job, she should have just told her daughter to stay home. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

Idiots! Why discard credible science because of how ethical the research was?

Lucy - We can just say he left his back door open. It’s easy.

Linda - But if we get caught, it’s illegal!

Lucy - So are many things, Mom. But leaving your door open and someone passing by, it’s just normal.

We can’t do anything for this poor guy now. But we can try to uncover what happened here. Shauna, this is what real reporting is about.

The massive spider webs in an otherwise clean house
should have been a tip off.

Serious security flaw if you can reach inside to unlock the door.

No one wants to see a spider looking like a massive bat.

They don’t seem pleased with her pitch on how to get better ratings.

Consumption (2016)

While driving to a condo in the mountains, Seth tells the legend of the bloody bride to a bunch of dullards who have no reaction.  He also mentions his mother died. While Mallory is asleep in the backseat, Seth’s girlfriend Becca and friend Eric say nothing in response to the death of his mom. It’s bizarre.

The condos are strange. The porch has four doors in a row with only the door frame between them.  There are small wooden crosses all over the grounds, a groundskeeper who warns them to leave, and a weird couple who at first say they aren’t the managers, but then turn around and say they are. The managers ask them if they’ll be at church on Sunday.  Mallory can’t read the room, and instead of simply saying she won’t be attending, tells the managers she’s proud of being an atheist.   A veiled threat is offered in response.

This vacation is mundane other than Seth seeing his dead mother. In other scenes, Becca makes a sandwich and eats by herself. Eric and Mallory congratulate each other on working on their individual issues. Then they have a huge fight, break up, and Eric ends up outside with consumption, which means in this case means bleeding from the mouth.  Then Seth and his raccoon eyes decide he doesn’t love Becca and hits on Mallory.  It’s just a bunch of people who aren’t all that likable, and who don’t seem to like each other either.

Dialogue from a dysfunctional couple:

Groundskeeper - Wait, you’re not supposed to be here. This is exactly what they want.

Seth - Who?

Groundskeeper - The ones who believe

Is there nothing immune to her gossip?

Becca - I know, Seth.

Seth - Know what?

Becca - About your Mom. I heard you telling Eric in the car.

Seth (angrily) - You were spying on me.

Becca - No, but why didn’t you tell me before.

Seth - My personal life is none of your business.

No one is alarmed by the massive amount of crosses along
every sidewalk in the condos

Why is a different actress playing Mallory in the afterlife?

Becca’s sandwich making prowess is legendary

No one with raccoon eyes should be driving.

Four doors with no space between them? This is the
weirdest condo I’ve ever seen.

The movie ends and this title appears. 

The Vessel (2012)

A confusing story about a group of ghost hunters who go to an abandoned prison where they hope to investigate and prove the innocence of a convicted murderer.  The movie starts with black and white footage which represents 1923 but is distractingly not time appropriate. At a minimum, they should have looked at photos from the time period and at their actors hair.  

In the present day, a cast of characters show up at the prison to start the investigation. Several of them are not there of their own free will, including stereotype Hector who is on probation, a psychic named Jason and the convicts daughter.  

Surprisingly the abandoned prison still has running water. However it’s not surprise when someone wants to take a shower.  These women aren’t that bright.  They are upset that the water is cold and it’s disgustingly dirty.  They also don’t understand that in an investigation, there are cameras everywhere. One of the woman has a voice that sounds like a boy going through puberty. I’m not sure if she was nervous, had a cold, or it’s some sort of act-ing!

This is a slog to get through and there are too many characters. They aren’t interesting enough to remember and the ending doesn’t make much sense.

Dialogue with the worst explanation for how an old lady got stabbed:

Then you are aware he showed no scruples whatsoever when he stabbed an 80 year old woman in a convenience store robbery.

He was only 18 and she fainted. His lawyers argued she could have been injured in a fall.

Her expression says it all. Also how dark is this film?

The psychic and his friend who happens to be dead.
It’s not as interesting as it sounds.

I thought riding on the sidewalk would be a
plot point, but he’s just a jerk.

Scrawl (2015)

Teenage Simon makes a comic with his friend Joe. Then real life starts mirroring the comic, which is unfortunate since the characters are based on people they actually know and the comic is a slasher.

While the premise is interesting, the execution of it is confusing.  Adults are rude and dismissive of children, even when there is something important going on. Simon has a shitty mom who urges him to be friends with kids who dislike him.  Who is Hannah and where did she come from? Why are multiple girls killing people?  Why is Annie mean to everyone?  And why do all twenty or so characters, who we don’t have a good grasp of who they are or their motivation, all end up in the supermarket at the same time?

Be prepared for the scenes by the ocean where the sound of the waves are often louder that’s the dialogue. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

Simon:  Annie, peace?

Annie: Simon, die?

Thank you… for making me smile.

The Screaming Silent (2020)

Delusional filmmaker Kurt believes he’s going to be the next Tarantino. He’s obsessed with a box from his ancestor which includes a diary, and wants to film his ancestors story in the location where it originally took place.

So Kurt and his friend Brian fly to Australia to start filming, where it’s revealed that Kurt is a walking red flag.  He tracks down Shea, an actress he met once at a party in Los Angeles, and insists she play the lead in the film. He’s written the part just for her and no one else will do. At first his super creepy stalker behavior is off putting, but when Shea reads the script, she’s in - thus perpetuating the stereotype that you just have to keep stalking someone to win them over.

Kurt, Brian, Shea, her friend, a cameraman and their driver hire a boat to take them to a remote location where they will walk into the woods to find the stomping grounds of Kurt’s ancester. When the captain warns them against going there, Kurt bristles and says his film must be authentic.  Yet he’s setting the film in current day, rather than 200 years ago, and he’s got a script with pretentious dialogue that he is constantly changing to suit his whims, or madness as the case may be.  

Things start to go wrong fairly quickly, as they do. Kurt manages the mind boggling task of acting like both a diva and a victim.  His demands for authenticity cause him to almost push someone off a cliff in a quest for a real scream and later risk his friends life.  Weird things start to happen, such as trees seemingly attacking people.  As if Kurt wasn’t unlikeable enough, his behavior gets even worse and it’s unclear if it’s because he believes he’s making a masterpiece, or he is possessed.

The movie clocks in around two hours, which is way too long. The first third is Kurts efforts to get Shea into his movie.  At the end the movie kind of goes Blair Witch, but you don’t care because Kurt comes off as a total dick and you hope he fails miserably.     

The timeline in this film is suspect. I thought the captain said she’d come back in two days, but they spend two days walking into the forest and at least two nights. There is no way they can get back to the boat in time. Then they walk further so they are screwed. Yet no one mentions the captain said she wouldn’t come back if they aren’t at the designated pick up place.  Also they are completely unorganized so I’m not sure how they expected to complete the filming.

Dialogue from a pretentious amateur who plays the victim if he doesn’t get what he wants and will never be Tarantino: 

Why does she keep doing this to me? 

Where were you when I needed you? You didn’t have my back.

It’s not just for me, it’s for you.

I wrote it for you, Shea.

I solemnly swear to you that I will deliver to you on my life a film that is full of truth and notes and substance and you will star in it and I will deliver it to the cinemas of the world.

Film us walking up this hill.

Brian: Films over. We’re going home tomorrow.

Kurt (menacingly): I’m getting my ending.

Of course Kurt is doing his vlog with the screen facing the camera

Kurt was a big baby even before they went into the forest

Paranormal Prison (2021)

The Skeptic and the Scientist is a show with a few hundred followers who are desperate to increase their audience. Arrogant skeptic Matthew’s trust fund is supporting this endeavor and Matthew wastes no time throwing his weight around. Not only does he play some lame pranks when they’re doing investigations, but he says things like, “My money, my headphones”.

Sarah, the scientist, is the opposite of Matthew in that she is likable.  She’s invented a machine which she believes can detect ghosts and is excited to test it, even though Matthew scoffs at her and her belief in ghosts.

The group arrives at the prison and meets the ranger who will guide them through the site.  They set up cameras, get a tour, and strange things start happen. The most unsettling thing being when cameraman Jacob asks Ashley how she got interested in the paranormal. She launches into this five to ten minute soul baring story. Since they are supposed to be investigating and it’s the last chance anyone will get to ghost hunt before the prison is demolished, it would have been more appropriate to simply say someone I love died and I feel like it’s my fault. 

Three of the four members of the team have trauma stories that got them involved in this, and then there’s Matthew. Based on his actions, he’s involved because he’s rich, thinks he’s more intelligent than others, and this is the only way he can get people to hang out with him, and even these people are about at the end of their rope.  

Ridiculous dialogue: 

Mary Beth came from an extremely wealthy family.

So how’d she become a serial killer then?

Why Us? (2012)

Five friends head out on the road to spend a weekend at a cabin. One of the guys decides to film everything. After driving awhile they stop because one girl needs to relieve herself.  For unknown reasons, she wanders into the woods, rather than finding a good spot close the road. After shes been gone for ten minutes, the others go looking for her. When they find her, she tells them she’s found a door in the woods.

By her description, I thought it would be a hidden door or some sort of door in the side of a mountain. But it looks like the side of a  building so not sure why it’s so surprising.  

They decide to break in and inside it appears to be an underground bunker with multiple corridors.  After feeling uneasy, they head back to the entrance and find themselves locked in.  With no way to open the door, they search for another way out.  Unfortunately their fear that something is in the dark is well founded and they will be attacked by something unseen which turns them into…something. Not sure if they’re alive, dead, a mutant, or a monster but you wouldn’t want to see it coming at you, especially if it used to be your friend.

This movie is bookended by people watching the video the group shot.  There seems to be some sort of public health crisis since people on the streets are wearing masks, the streets are fairly deserted, and one guy mentions he hasn’t been out in awhile.

Most of the movie takes place in the bunker and we see a whole lot of nothing.  Probably the most annoying aspect of the film is that this is a found footage film, yet there is background music in some parts.  When it first started, I thought the music - which is like something you’d hear at a dance club - was coming from inside the bunker.  It would get louder and then fade and disappear.  The characters were saying “did you hear that” but apparently it wasn’t the music since at other times, they had no reaction to it. There was also some background music that sounded like a kids toy. Neither did anything for the tone of the film except distract and confuse the viewer.

Ridiculous dialogue:

There’s a door in the woods.

Not realizing having a piercing in your gum means you’ll
always look like you have food stuck in her teeth 

Tom is very hard to see, but he doesn’t look well

Being careful about what to touch is the only good idea they had.

The movie is mostly shots of faces in the dark or just the dark.

I’m not.

American Poltergiest (2015)

Taryn, Michael, Niki, Jenna and Scott rent rooms in the same house rather than live in the dorms.  It’s an odd arrangement since Diana, the owner of the house, lives there as well.  They eat dinner together and barbeque together, which seems really awkward. Also Niki’s birthday is coming up so they’re going to throw a party by the pool and partygoers can stay in the guest house.  Does anyone ever rent rooms in a house where the owner lets you have the run of the house, as if it’s your own? It’s all so odd.

If you ever move into a rooming house and ask about the basement and the owner says it was locked when she moved in and she has no key, be very scared.  This is not normal. If you can’t get into the basement, you call a locksmith and replace the lock. Also this takes place in Massachusetts. When is the last time the furnace has been serviced?

Taryn decides to look around the house because she’s been having nightmares since moving in. She finds a locked toolbox in the basement. Unlike a normal renter, Taryn breaks into it and finds photos, letters and documents. She also goes online to research the house and wins the award for worst google skills ever.  There should have been no shortage of information on this house because there are urban legends about it, since supposedly it is the Lizzie Borden house.  No one shall ask why they didn’t find an old house to shoot in, rather than a modern home.

Taryn has an incredibly confusing conversation with Diana, where she says Diana’s husband is her father, and Diana says her husband couldn’t have children but Taryn is his only child.  Later that night,  Taryn says she’s moving out immediately. No one bats an eye.  Her car doesn’t start so she borrows everyone’s keys and none of the cars start. The group is not concerned.  She never warns them or tells them why she’s desperate to move, and they never ask.  Also even if her car started, it’s parked between two other cars so how was she going to escape?

If there’s one thing this movie confirmed, it’s that any movie about Lizzie Borden is terrible. I’m always up for them, and they are always poorly done.  Why? 

Dialogue as awkward as the living arrangements:

I found her in the basement

That’s impossible.  The basements locked and there’s no key.

Your husband never spoke of who lived here?

Taryn, can we stop with the interrogation maybe?

Somethings not right in this family.

Taryn: Your husband John Eastbrook was my father, John Borden.

Diana: Borden?

Taryn: Do you understand what I’m saying?

Diana: Yes, John didn’t have any children. He couldn’t. You were his only child. That makes you my stepdaughter.

$325 a month, utilities included.

Not bad for a murder house.

Who’s Lizzie Borden?

She’s like one of those horror movie chicks that get murdered.

Look I really don’t want to talk about this, alright? Would you stop spreading rumors that this is a murder house for once?

Who eats a hamburger in a bun with a fork?

Eating dinner with their landlady

Apparently college kids eating with their fifty five
year old landlady is a thing

Taryn not realizing that the door opening inwards means one
good kick would send her flying and possibly landing on the knife

Nothing odd about all the heads on the table behind her

Boom mic shadow. Hard to see in this shot, but you can’t
miss it in the film since it’s moving

Ouija Death Trap (2014)

A teenager doing an internship gets keys to the building so she and her friends can go in at night to see if it’s really haunted.  They are totally thrown by the janitor being there because they don’t grasp that offices are cleaned after the workers leave.

The janitor is weird, and the teens are rude, overly sarcastic, and condescending. He gives them a tour of the building and tells them stories of the ghosts that inhabit it, while warning them not to go into his office. 

When he leaves, they pull out a ouija board and strange things start to occur, one of which is the janitor not being able to get into the room because the door locks from the other side.  What sort of janitor doesn’t have keys?  Also I’m pretty sure the kids let the door close when they go out to talk to him but yet they are able to get back into the room.

The ouija scene is ridiculous. The spirit says his name is Elias, and the teens craniums cease to function.  They get inexplicable angry about the name.  They ask the girl doing the internship if someone in her office is named Elias. When she says no, they ask if she’s sure.  It’s so bizarre. Why would they ever think it’s someone from the office? Oujia boards are to contact the dead, not the living. And why not ask more questions to determine who it is, rather than getting angry and disdainful.

At one point, they want to leave and try one of the doors but it won’t open. Their plan is to go to the second floor and break one of the windows. Then they can jump and the snow will cushion their fall.  Ah yeah, or maybe break a window on the first floor so you don’t have to jump. Or try the door you came in since you had a key for that one?

Nothing like the cover occurs in this movie.   The credits say the teens were not told what was going to happen so their reactions are real.  The problem with this is the teens endless screeching, which is hard to sit through. Also it’s too dark to see why they’re shrieking. The actors are not adept at improvising so you’ll hear the same lines over and over: oh my god; I want to go home; and what is this.   Most of the dialogue is like being seated next to some teenagers in a restaurant and listening to them chatter inanely about nothing interesting. Basically it’s another story where someone looks for ghosts and when they appear to find them, there is no plan other than panic.

Ridiculous teenage dialogue:

Is that levitating up in the air?  

Do you work here?  [said to the janitor]

Teen1: What’s your name?…. Elias?

Teen2 (disdainfully): What kind of name is that?

Teen 3 (angrily): Who the hell is that?

Janitor: What you’re getting into can kill you.

Teen 1: can kill us… oh yeah, just walking around a building

Teen 2: Dude, we’re just looking for ghosts. Ghosts aren’t going to kill us.

Teen 1: How the hell do you have a ouija board?

Teen 2: What do you mean?

Raven: The only place I can think is the door.

Jessica: What door?

Raven: The door.

Maybe it would have worked if we could see what
caused them to scream or they used actors who did more
than shriek or repeat the same phrases over and over.

You’re going to watch a lot of this type of shot.

We can see clearly in the elevator, but nothing happens

Closed caption for stomping up the stairs

William showing he doesn’t truly grasp
the meaning of the word levitate

Death Bell II: Bloody Camp (2010)

Thirty top students are chosen to take a special school session where they stay overnight and immerse themselves in their studies.   Three teachers are assigned to the session. One has plans the first night, so he locks the students in to keep them safe.  The problem is there is a murderer in the building and now the kids can’t escape.

After a few kids disappear or die, a voice over the loud speaker says if they figure out why they are being killed and who the killer is, they can leave. Students start suspecting each other and secrets come out regarding a girl who previously died in the building.

I haven’t seen the first movie so I’m not sure if there was any context I missed, but it wasn’t very interesting. It was long dull periods with short segments of excitement, but then back to the tedium. I almost didn’t finish it, but I thought it might pick up. It didnt. 

Pitchfork (2016)

Hunter is heading back to the farm after coming out to his family, and brings his brightly colored heterosexual friends with him. It’s a small town farm community so it’s not the most progressive.  

When he says it’s going to be rough dealing with his dad, one of his female friends chimes in, “Rough? I guess you haven’t had Ms. Adams class and her stupid improv exercises.”  Yes, because improv is so much more difficult than coming out to your dad who has stereotypical small town ideas about what it means to be a man.

The first night home, Hunter throws a huge party in the barn and the place is packed.  There’s lights, music and pizza. I hope it’s not the same pizza they were carrying around while they were setting up the barn in the afternoon.  

But what they don’t know is there’s a weirdo on the loose with an animal skin strapped to his face and a pitchfork barb wired to his arm.  Where did he come from? Why is he killing people? Who put a pitchfork on his arm and why?  That pitchfork arm is going to make it hard to get dressed, eat, or bathe. The movie devolves from slasher to torture and you will be totally unsatisfied at the end.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Hunter (sounding totally disinterested): I’m not sure but I think something bad has happened to my family.

The scarecrows are so creepy. It’s like a cult or something.

Claire: Guys! Guys! We need to go right now please. Guys we have to go please right now.

Matt: Jesus Christ Claire, what the fuck is…

Claire: Matt, no no no, there’s blood everywhere in that house, on the floor, on the wall.

Gordon: Wait, wait, wait. Calm down, what do you mean blood?

Lennox: That’s a really mature way to get both of their attention. Really.

Lennox: Wait, you can’t just leave me like that!

Claire: What do you think, you just fucked my boyfriend.

Lennox: So just like that you’re going to throw our friendship out the window.

Local pizzeria? These pizza boxes are in multiple scenes

Are his abs drawn on?

Girl on the left is doing a runway walk, which is really odd
considering they just escaped a killer.

Our cast of mostly unlikeable characters looking like
some lame ass Justice League.