They’re Outside (2020)

Max, who has no credentials but thinks he’s a brilliant psychologist, has a successful YouTube channel where he cures people’s issues by badgering them into doing what he wants. He believes psychological problems are all in your head, you just need a shift in thinking to be healed, and he is the man to heal you while he monetarily capitalizes on your trauma.  In other words, Max is a dick.

He’s been corresponding with Sara, an agoraphobic who bonded with him over a love of 80s movies. Sara hasn’t left the house in five years, but Max thinks he can cure her in ten days. Sara is excited to see him but not happy that Nicole, the woman behind the camera, is his girlfriend.

Legend has it Green Eyes lives in the woods and if you see him, you’ll never find your way out of the woods. Eventually you’ll find a door and if you knock, well look out because that’s where he lives.  Sara and Penny believe in Green Eyes, but Max scoffs. The town holds a Green Eyes festival each year and Max thinks everyone is an idiot, including his girlfriend. So while Max pushes Sara without empathy so he can meet his objective,  you’ll spend the movie rooting for Max to get what’s coming to him and since this is found footage, you can rest easy. 

I don’t know why anyone would agree to be on Max’s show. He’s condescending and treats his patients poorly, making fun of them while in the same room. He thinks his opinion is the only one that matters.  He also treats Nicole poorly which culminates in cheating with Sara when Nicole steps out of the room.  There is a backstory about a girlfriend he dearly loved who died from cancer, which attempts to make him seem more likable, but it doesn’t work.

Ridiculous dialogue

Sara: I know what you’re doing. It won’t work.

Max:Let me be the judge of that.

Nicole: You’ve got to give her credit for what she believes.

Max: That’s not a very helpful comment right now.

Penny: I’ve seen Green Eyes.

Max: No you haven’t!

The mindsets I’ve installed into her have finally started to take over from all that fucking fog in her brain.

For a self described brilliant therapist, he sure
can’t recognize how much Sara hates his girlfriend

Some of Max’s clickbait videos

Why is the alcoholic wearing green grease paint on his face?

The Invitation (2022)

Feeling lonely after her mother dies, Evie takes a DNA test and discovers she has relatives in England.  Her cousin Oliver contacts her and wants to meet when he’s in New York. When they hit it off,  Oliver invites her to a family wedding. Evie can’t afford it, but he says he’ll pay for the trip with his frequent flyer miles and she accepts.

The home where she’s staying is a massive mansion with many servants, and additional hires due to the upcoming nuptials.  When Evie meets the host, she finds him attractive. But things seem weird.  There is a room she’s never to go in and some of the maids seem to be missing.

If you’re going to watch one movie called the Invitation, you’d be wise to skip this one.  It’s the type of movie you have on in the background as you pick up your house.  There are spots where you’d stop what you’re doing and watch for a bit, but most of the time you’d be folding your laundry.

The Dinosaur Project (2012)

The British Cryptozoological Society is bringing a tv crew with them on their expedition to search for what is essentially Africa’s Lochness Monster.  Rumors of this creature and video footage has spurred the group to investigate.

Expedition leader Jonathan is stuck bringing his son Luke to the hotel, but does not entertain Luke’s request to go exploring with him. Luke’s advised to stay in the hotel and wait for his Aunt who will stay with him. 

After we are introduced to the people participating in this expedition, it is no surprise when we find out Luke stowed away on the helicopter.  By the time he’s discovered, they do not have enough gas to turn around. Shortly after that they have bird strike with a prehistoric looking mystery bird and the copter crashes into the jungle. The rest of the movie is the group dying one by one while they try not to get murdered by the prehistoric wonders they were hoping to find.

Mercy Falls (2023)

Rhona’s going to the woods to find the cabin her father left her and has asked some friends to go with her. She hasn’t been there since she was a kid when something traumatic happened. 

While at a bar, they meet Carla who they saw hitchhiking earlier in the day.  When Heather discovers Carla has hiking experience, she invites her on the trip.  Rhona is not pleased and glares at Heather, who keeps talking about how great it would be for Carla to join them. Eventually Rhona grumpily agrees to go into the woods with this stranger.  

Heather is difficult to be around as she enjoys causing drama.  On the first night she upsets her boyfriend Scott when she flirts with Andy and sits on his lap. The next day Heather confesses to Scott she made out with Andy the prior night. Oh Heather, now is not the time to confess. When the two men get in a fight, Andy ends up seriously injured when he falls and a branch goes through his leg.  

While the group tries to figure out how to help him, Carla takes a different tact. We’ve already been clued in via a newspaper article that she’s escaped from an asylum and is extremely dangerous.  This is why you don’t invite strangers into the woods. The group is horrified when Carla puts Andy out of his misery. But Carla says the others are at fault since Heather started the trouble and Scott injured him.  She says they’ll all go to jail if they don’t hide the body. 

They agree to cover up the death, find the cabin and go their separate ways. Heather shows Rhona the newspaper article and eventually everyone is aware they’re in the woods with a lunatic. When they manage to ditch her, Carla is not amused and decides to make them pay. What difference does it make if they were going to split up anyway? I guess this just ups the lunacy.

This is one of those movies where people keep making stupid decisions.  Would you cross the ravine on the log and push the log off, or remove the log before crossing?  When they find the cabin, the survivors have sex, even though there is a killer after them.  They turn on the generator to radio for help. That sound is going to be a beacon in the forest. And when the generator stops, they don’t even consider the killer could be outside.

Then we’ve got Heather who is completely unlikable. She invites Carla on the trip, even though the trip is to help Rhona after her father’s death. She pressures Rhona to accept this stranger on the trip while right in front of Carla.  She is inappropriate with Andy in front of Scott because he’s not paying attention to her. And worst of all, she blames Scott for Andy’s death when the cause of the fight is her cheating. Plus her hiking clothes are ridiculous.  Get bent, Heather!

Going hiking? Don’t forget your oversized glasses
and bucket hat.

Blood Harvests (2023)

When Neil is fired for stealing money from his boss and can’t pay his bills, Jessica calls her Uncle Ollie to see if the family can stay at his farm.   Ollie isn’t thrilled about this, but the townsfolk make it clear he should take in a family in need. And why are the people in town involved in Ollie’s decision? Why the blood harvest, of course.

Jessica has two children, Maggie and Jake.  The kids decide to explore and while next to the barn they smell something bad. Ollie tells them to stay away from the barn as it’s dangerous and to never go into the room.  Maggie considers this a dare, while Jake knows that is not at all what Ollie meant.

They find a CB radio in the room and when Jake uses it, he’s able to talk to someone. Later on this person tells them they need to leave now, but stay out of the field and stay away from the towns people. Neither teenager asks why.  

There are a whole lot of unlikable characters.  Ollie is weird.  Jessica is dismissive. Neil is a jerk. The neighbors are obviously up to something, and the only character who tries to help them is too afraid of everyone else to make it clear what is going on.

The biggest issue is the lack of explanation.  Jake and Maggie are told to get away by the voice on the CB radio. No reason is offered and they don’t ask any questions.  Later when Jeremiah warns them they should leave and not trust anyone, he offers no explanation and again they don’t ask.  Jake is psychic and has visions, but he isn’t aware of what is happening.  You’d think the horrible visions plus the warnings would give the a heads up, but they’re just not that concerned. 

How is tying someone to a tree stump
going to keep them from prisoner?

The Freeway Maniac (1989)

When Arthur was nine years old, he killed his mom and her boyfriend of the day.  He’s been locked up in the psych ward ever since. After a new orderly is hired, he’s told Arthur is the craziest, most insane person they’ve ever seen, which makes it odd they’d think it was a good idea opening his cell. Oops the orderlies are dead as Arthur runs for the door.

After a killing spree, Arthur meets Linda, who is at a garage trying to escape from the sleazy mechanic putting the moves on her when she wanted help with her car.  Linda immediately realizes Arthur is not going to help when he lunges at her and she notices he’s covered in blood.

Linda is saved by the mechanic and featured in the newspaper as the survivor of the escaped psycho killer.  This gives her acting career a boost when she’s recognized at an audition and cast as the lead by the sleazy producer who says they can use her to promote the film. She survived the killer, now see if she survives aliens from outer space.

Linda heads off into the desert to make her sci-fi movie, but not before doing a tv interview in which she announces where they will be filming. This is unfortunate since Arthur has escaped again and the broadcast tells him exactly where to find her.  His killing spree continues as he winds his way to the movie set.

Linda’s agent wants to warn her about the escape but the producer says they shouldn’t worry her.  Linda is happily in the dark until her cheating ex-boyfriend shows up because he’s worried about Arthur coming after her. Meanwhile there is a chainsaw missing on the set and the producer can’t pay the cast or crew, but promises he’ll have money soon.

I first saw this movie twenty years ago and thought it was hilarious. This time I could only get through about twenty minutes at a time before shutting it off and trying again the next day.  It’s awful and tedious.  So watch at your own risk. But you may enjoy the lack of continuity with the hair length. Or if you’re a fan of the Doors, you can ponder how Robbie Krieger got involved in doing music for this film.

The biggest question I have is,do they teach lunatics how to drive at the asylum?  Arthur has been locked up since he was nine so how does he know how to drive a car or big rig?  

Ridiculous dialogue

Orderly 1: This is the new guy Jimmy.

Orderly 2: A little light in the ass for this type of work, aren’t you there Jimmy?

No, I’m the new guy! [said while being strangled by Arthur]

Linda: The script. It isn’t very good.

Steven, her agent: Don’t worry. You didn’t write it.

It takes fifteen minutes to take effect but when it does, it’s bedtime for Bonzo.

I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about. I’m sorry, okay? I did it for you. [said condescendingly by the person who is not sorry]

Arthur and his mullet

Arthur and the bad wig

Linda with hair to her shoulders when she arrives at the garage

When the killer shows up, her hair is styled and shorter

The mechanic has Beatle hair and charcoal hobo beard

Later the mechanic has drastically shorter hair

Nice of them to use her head shot for the article

Arthur chokes a victim while he’s hanging out of a moving truck

Linda on the set of her sci-fi film

Why is a carpenter doing framing in the middle of a dirt road?

666 Demon Child (2004)

An old man walks through the desert until it’s dark. He opens a hole in a stone carving using a tiny medallion, crawls inside and finds a couple eggs.  He hauls them out and walks some more. When he tries to cross a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, he ends up under the wheels of the only vehicle around for fifty miles.

Inside the camper are six people with expertise in archaeology.  Doc found some relics on his last trip and has convinced the others to accompany him.  The artifacts were authenticated by three labs who say they are 500,000 years old.  The others say that can’t be right because there was no metal work at that time. Doc counters that only applies to humans.

When the camper hits the old man, they all run outside and he’s lying peacefully underneath as if he’s taking a nap. Two of the occupants  head off to the store nearby for help. There is no phone so they bring the man to the store and drive off to get help.  Soon they discover Daryl has stolen one of the strange large eggs and stashed it in the closet. Shortly after this, the egg cracks and Jean starts screaming, “Kill it! Kill it!” Then Daryl is killed by a demon baby. More deaths and shenanigans follow. 

This is hard to get through. The baby appears to be rubber. They have to hold it against themselves and flail to stimulate an attack. The sound of the demon baby is annoying as hell. It’s a repetitive sound of a baby doll crying mixed with other annoying sounds. 

At one point someone in the camper calls someone Greg, yet the male characters are Daryl, Stephen and Doc/Bryce. Jean is an odd character that seems to have an issue with getting blankets.  At the accident someone says gets a blanket but Jean doesn’t move and looks at Becky, who ends up getting it. Later Jean is curled up on the couch. Becky asks her if she’s still cold and does she want a blanket. She does. Good god Jean, why can’t you get a blanket?!

Ridiculous dialogue

Daryl: No one was working metal 500,000 years ago.

Doc: No humans were.

Daryl: An old man stepped out in front of us. He’s hurt pretty bad and we’re afraid to move him

Ben: You can’t leave him on the road all night.

It’s afraid of the knife.

The giants and us are related.

Anything that can survive thousands of years as an egg and then rip apart a grown man seconds after it hatches isn’t normal.

Get ready for five minutes of beautiful scenery,
an old man walking, and no dialogue 

Why so glum

This is the special effects budget

Doc and 

Getting run over by a camper looks fairly peaceful.
No blood or injury or a rip in his clothing.

Hold the demon baby and flail

Creepiest thing in the movie

Doc is going for help, yet he stops to bury someone and
then collapses from the heat. Good job Doc

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

After some marines disappear, Army Rangers Joe and Curtis arrive as replacements. The marines are not impressed. But Joe and Curtis are no ordinary rangers. They’ve got a particular set of skills that come in handy, which are critical thinking and ninjitsu.

The island they’re on has a huge problem with ninja attacks, yet no one seems to notice or know of the ninjas.  They’re in the hotel, in the bar, in alleys, and hanging off cars. Yet when Joe and Curtis talk of being attacked by ninjas, the marines are skeptical and the local police scoff at them.

It turns out the local villain who owns Blackbeard Island is known as the Lion. He’s kidnapped a scientist trying to cure cancer and forced him to make a serum that turns people into murderous super ninjas.  And where do they get the people to experiment on? Well they kidnap marines naturally because they’re theoretically already in good shape. They’re certainly not going to take the chubby thugs outside the bar with dirt all over their clothing and faces.

Joe and Curtis rescue the scientists daughter after she’s dragged out of a party at the governors mansion. How dare she accuse the Lion of impropriety.  Meanwhile the head ninja kills all the super ninjas in a demonstration to potential investors which makes you wonder how that’s supposed to sell the super ninja project.

Oh Golan Globus, you’ve given us another silly ninja movie complete with a ninja on a string.  Plus a hilarious continuity oversight where the corrupt police chief puts his hat on as he walks towards the door.  Cut to another angle of him almost at the door where he puts his hat on again.

Ridiculous dialogue

Ninja? What the hell are ninja?

You look as much like a marine as a bridesmaid.

Tommy: He’s doing research.

Joe: what kind of research?

Tommy: I don’t now. They don’t tell me. It’s biological stuff.

Terror at London Bridge (1985)

In 1971 all but one stone of the London Bridge was moved to Lake Havasu, Arizona as part of their English village tourist attraction. Fourteen years later, the missing stone was located in the Thames River and brought over to be set in place. The night before the dedication, a tourist walking on the bridge trips, cuts her finger on the stone and before you know it, poof! Jack the Ripper appears to murder her.

Assigned to the case is Don, who just moved from the south side of Chicago to get away from crime and accidentally killing a child.  Don draws immediate ire from Whitfield, head of the city council, who says the English village must stay open. They just dedicated the bridge, there is money to be made and no cop is going to tell him it’s closed. Don calmly explains people can’t be traipsing through a murder scene.  

The city council decides there’s no need for an investigation since the murderer must be a transient who wanted the money from the tourists purse. But Don thinks there’s more to it than that since usually robbers don’t kill once they have the cash. When he talks to a reporter off the record, she betrays him and reveals his theory in the paper.  Whitfield demands Don be fired, but the chief just mutters not to mess up again.

When the medical examiner informs Don there was a second blood type in the wound and it was old blood, Don suspects this may not be the killers first victim. As more people in town are killed, Don puts together the murders match up to the death dates of Jack the Ripper’s victims.  He also discovers the shoe print and hand writing on letters match pictures of evidence in the Ripper case.  He thinks Jack is back, which seems crazy but he’s right.

This is a tv movie so it’s fairly tame. It’s not the most interesting, but the premise is ridiculous which is a plus.  The score is done by Lalo Schifrin, who is one of my favorites and has done a number of great soundtracks for films. Probably his most well known composition is the theme from Mission Impossible. 

Watch for the scene with the band in which the song must be called Just a Modern Man since they say it eleven times in a row before ending the song. Also when the tourists wife goes missing, he approaches the Chief of Police and Head of City Council Whitfield during the dedication ceremony.  The chief tells him they can go to the police station after the ceremony, and Whitfield tells him to get lost.  You wonder why he wouldn’t go to the police station but he did. They sent him to the bridge. Why not take a report or try to help him rather than just send him off on his own to find the chief during the middle of a ceremony?  

Ridiculous dialogue

Tourist: My wife is missing. I demand you do something.

Head of City Council: Get rid of him.

Don’t worry about your wife. People don’t disappear in Havasu.

Creepy British guy:  There is evil here. It must be cleansed! I work for the higher power.

Joe: Well you are out of work now.

Zombie Night (2003)

Mark, his girlfriend Amber and daughter Emily are driving home from a week at a cabin when the news reports a nuclear war has begun overseas.  In the few minutes they’re listening, it goes from war overseas to martial law in this county to the undead are attacking Washington.  There is no explanation of why the dead  are rising.

When their car dies, Mark decides they need to hide in a nearby warehouse.  They hole up in the basement where they find candles, blankets and emergency supplies. After a few days Amber and Emily want to go out, but Mark says he’ll check to see if there’s any radiation or fall out.  Hopefully someone tells him nuclear fall out is radiation and that he’d need more than his eyes to determine if it’s safe out.

Mark meets David who asks for help with his wife and they walk to a nearby building.  His wife is already dead.  Mark, who did not believe David when he said there were zombies even though the news said the dead had risen, begins to believe when David’s dead wife tries to attack him. A group of survivors show up out of nowhere. Mark assures everyone the building he’s in is safe so they grab the groceries David has and head out.

The villain of the story is revealed when Derek steals a bag of groceries for himself. Later that day he decides to leave and demands food and water (even though David provided it all). After leaving and discovering it’s not safe, he breaks down the door to get back in, thus risking the others lives.  

They look for another place to stay, meet another group of survivors while skulking past bikers and find another building. Derek tries to get a bunch of people to steal food and weapons, and leave with him.   Although David realizes Derek is a problem, others want to show mercy which is of course their undoing. You never show mercy to the weasel as he’ll get you killed.

The group barricades the staircase to the second floor in the laziest way possible by putting a stack of boxes on the landing and tying a rope around it for support.  Why not put two rows of boxes together and more boxes on the stairs? As you’d expect, Derek creeps in at night with his crew and cuts the ropes, thus allowing the zombies up the stairs. 

Questions are plentiful:

• How is Mark going to determine if radiation is outside? All he brought from his car was a pillow.
• Why do the dead only rise at night?
• Why were the bikers even in this when they never interacted with the others?
• How did no one die with the generator running inside?
• Where did the extra groceries come from?
• How did the dead get under piles of boxes?
• Why don’t the survivors have the self preservation to close the door?
• Why did the group not safe guard their food and weapons from Derek after he’d already stolen some the first time they were together?
• Why does Mark change his shirt between saying goodbye and jumping off the roof? Was there a continuity person on the film?
• Why look for Derek in the woods at night when it’s too dark to see him and he’ll see you coming from far away since you have flashlights?

Did they have more than one make up person? Sometimes it looks pretty good, but other times it’s just gray greasepaint. I once worked on a zombie movie where there were some amazing make up artists and others not so amazing. We could always tell when the head make up artist did the zombies because they looked like raccoons. 

Ridiculous dialogue

You know under normal circumstances, I might have hired you to tile my bathroom floor at best. But under the circumstances, I can’t think of a better man to take care of my family.

The siege of the zombies is now being declared a national emergency.

David:  I owe you.

Mark:  I’m going to take you up on that.

David:  Good because I don’t like to be in debt.

Aggressive attacks in open areas is the only way to survive this.

David: Are you finished?

Old guy:  No. Yes. My wife.

I didn’t know you smoked. [after only knowing him one day]

I beat cancer. I’m going to beat this too. [after being bitten by a zombie]

Only take what you can carry. 

The good make up

Did the same person go with clown white here?

A pillow is essential to survive a zombie attack

He wants safety from the zombies but leaves the door open

Our main character is dead

Mark’s girlfriend and child have no reaction to his dead body

The zombie who uses the handrail

The incredible stack of boxes meant to keep out zombies

Haunted Boat (2005)

A bunch of horrible people go out on a boat to celebrate a birthday.  The owners son says they need to clean it before they use it since his uncle left it this way. The ungrateful non-boat owning group tell him the boat is too smal and it’s a piece of crap. 

They head out to sea, get drunk and pass out. The next day Leo’s friend asks him to get up because the boats not moving. Wait. These idiots left the boat on autopilot while they got drunk and went to sleep? What is wrong with them? So they deserve what they get, which is stranded.

As they try to figure out how to get rescued, they have philosophical  conversations and talk about fears.  One says you don’t truly exist except in your own reality and we each live in our own universe.  So if you don’t want to believe in something, it doesn’t exist in your world.  That doesn’t sound healthy. 

This movie gives you the worst person to be stuck on a boat with and a group of people who have no interest in anyone but themselves, along with a parallel dimension, I guess. As if watching these jerks isn’t bad enough, the ending will make you feel as if you’ve completely wasted your time.

Ridiculous dialogue 

He’s never even looked at you. If he ever talked to you, it’s because you know me.

I’m not staying on board with an epileptic.

What a pretty litttle bird. Is it sick? [said about an obviously dead bird]

Our unlikeable group

The boat the kids think is too small

Maybe don’t use all the lights at once since you don’t know
how long till you can contact someone to get rescued

As if they haven’t enough problems - shark