The Fear Chamber (2009)

A serial killer who sometimes paints his face like a Juggalo is abducting young women.  Detective Nick Ferguson, who was stabbed in the chest and let the killer escape, vows to track the maniac down due to his guilt that there are more victims.  Nick starts having visions of girls that are abducted by this madman.

True to cop movie cliches, Nick has a drinking problem, feels guilty about his wife's murder, has a supervisor who questions his methods, is consumed by this particular case, and is ultimately suspended and must turn in his badge.

It's slow moving and drawn out, with little to keep you interested.  There's a twist ending which is just sort of "oh" and not the big reveal it's supposed to be because you just won't care.  Richard Tyson chews up some scenery as the face painting doctor, but he's not given much to work with - so fair play Mr. Tyson, fair play. Oh and as with any movie, the appearance of nudity before the credits means we are in for a long ride.

Don't Go In the Cellar (2008)

A group of college kids decide to have a party in an old lunatic asylum.  The asylum, though long abandoned, is clean and appears to be someones home rather than an old hospital.  There is a sectional sofa in the living room (yes, they have a livingroom), a hallway with knickknacks on bookshelves, and doors that look like bedroom doors.  In fact the entire interior screams I'm a suburban home.

The cellar door and walls look like a set.  The college classroom has folding tables and the teachers desk appears to have a black table sheet over it.  Best of all is the padded room which is made from paper and staples.  I actually didn't realize it was supposed to be a padded room for quite a while since it doesn't look anything like padding.

The main character is a girl with such severe fear of interacting with other people that it doesn't seem possible that she could actually attend college. Her older sister doesn't help matters by being extremely controlling and over protective.

The class has been studying the asylum and for extra credit they decide to do more research on it as a group project.  Their idea of research is going to the asylum to party and then after a couple of hours, they'll start doing their research.  Oh yeah, that ought to be some really accurate research.

After the kids kick off their party, they meet Wendall, whose sole purpose seems to be to stand in the padded room and tell people not to go into the cellar.  As is usual in horror movies, the warning is not heeded and everyone ends up at one time or another going into the cellar.  Good job, college kids!

IMDB lists the budget at $1.2 million. If that's accurate, I wonder what that money went to because it certainly wasn't spent on actors, props, or sets.  Seriously, it looks like it was filmed in someone's house -  sectional sofa, knickknacks, bookshelves, hollow core doors, even signs of a cat. Note that from the outside, the asylum door is solid, but once they are inside, there is a window and the door looks like your standard living room door.  Also of note, Randal Malone plays Wendell. Enough said.

The cover does not depict anything from the movie.  The asylum looks nothing like the building on the cover, and there are no cells.

Deadfall Trail (2009)

One of the reasons I picked this up this collection is that Deadfall Trail looked interesting. The cover art shows three guys walking into trees,which turn out to be the teeth in a giant skull!  So imagine my surprise when I watched the movie and discovered it is not a horror film.

Julien, John, and Paul head out for a three week trek in the wilderness.  Julien and John are used to going into the woods in survivalist mode, but Paul has never done this before.  Julien is disgusted at this piece of information and believes that Paul will be a detriment to their trip.  Julien insists they each only bring a bottle of water, a knife and a small satchel.  No maps, food, or tents are allowed.

The ultimate goal is never really established, other than communing with nature and eating peyote once they decide they have reached the right destination. And that leaves the viewer with too many questions.  How did the three of them decide to head into the woods together?  Why doesn't Paul know how bare bones the expedition was going to be?  Why doesn't Paul listen to the advice the more experienced guys give him?   Why did John decide to invite Paul when Paul has no survival skills and Julien is high strung about the way things are done and has no patience for newbies?

Unfortunately Julien's fears about Paul prove to be well founded when there is an accident seven days walk into the wilderness. While this is supposed to provide tension, it doesn't as the characters are kind of annoying. Julien seems like a dickhead, Paul is an idiot who doesn't take the seasoned trekkers advice seriously, and you can never figure out why the three of them are on this trip together.  So you end up being annoyed at two of the three characters and wondering why any of them thought this was a good idea.

Slaughterhouse Phi: Death Sisters (2006)

Yup, you know how bad this one is going to be just by looking at the cover art.  During a hazing ritual at an abandoned orphanage, one of the pledges accidentally dies.  Instead of calling for help or reporting the accident, the pledge leader decides to bury the dead girl.  You'd think the other pledges might be suspicious when they never see her again, but no.

A year later, the police have given up and her father has stopped pestering the sorority about his daughters whereabouts.  So the pledge leader decides it's okay to do the same hazing ritual in the same place.

Unbeknownst to them, the ghost of the dead girl has been murdering people.  A photographer takes a girl to the house to take some photos.  When she doesn't want to drop her top, the guy  physically assaults a girl after setting his camera on auto to take photos the assault. Yeah, not too bright, that one.  Fortunately the ghost shows up and save the day... until she also kills the girl.

Rusel Malone plays the detective, who looks so unlike a detective in his wood paneled basement office.  But we know he definitely is a detective by the trench coat and fedora he wears.  He's suspicious of the sorority girls, but has no evidence.

The ritual goes horribly wrong again due to the appearance of the murderous ghost.  When one is killed, they all run out of the house.  Inexplicably, they stop running once they get to the front porch.  After a long discussion, they decide that they need to go back into the house to get a cell phone to call for help... even though someone was just murdered and a killer is in the house.  Although the house is supposed to be thirty minutes from nearest town but you can see another roof off to the left of the driveway.  Gah!!  Terrible!

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Hobo Rutger Hauer rides the train into town and finds a city full of fear, crime, violence, and immorality.  The city is run by The Drake and his sons, all vile human beings who terrorize the residents and control all the illegal activities in town.  So powerful are they, that they kill and torture those who cross them in broad daylight in front of witnesses without fear of reprisal.

When the hobo gets caught in the middle of a pawn shop robbery where the robbers threaten to kill a baby, he decides to take matters into his own hands.  He buys a shotgun and decides to clean up the town.  This causes the Drake to put a bounty on his head and the whole town, including the police, try to kill him.  The only one who stands by him is the hooker with a hear of gold that he rescued from Drake's son.

This is violent and depressing and definitely harkens back to the grindhouse pictures of the seventies.  You'll feel dirtier for having watched it.

Late Fee (2009)

A couple heads to the video store on Halloween only to find the owner locking up for the night.  They convince him to let them in as they swear they only want two movies which they'll pick up asap.

The owner, dressed as the devil, is having a Halloween party for his friends. He recommends two videos, which they rent. The rental agreement is the size of a book and the owner warns them to have the movies back by midnight or pay the price.

Oddly enough the couple is still getting trick or treaters at 10 pm, and complain about the interruptions since they're trying to watch their movies.  Geez people, just turn off your damn porch light!  Also there is no way they can get through both movies in two hours, but somehow there is a rip in the time space continuum and they manage to do it. However they do not return the videos per their agreement, and shortly after midnight there is a knock at the door.

First, be forewarned that this is an anthology.  If you don't know that going into it, it's very confusing when the story switches to a different movie all of a sudden.  The late fee story exists only as a way to patch together two short films, The Pick Up and Damnation, which are supposed to be the videos they're watching.  I wasn't aware that this was an anthology and got completely confused when it cut from the renters on the couch to several people and a location I'd never seen before.  Honestly, I had no interest in either short film since the description and movie title did not give a hint that this was an anthology.

The Stay Awake (1987)

A group of girls at a private school are staying awake to raise money.  The school is deserted except for  the girls and their chaperon who are staying in the gym.  The spirit of a serial killer enters the building and starts murdering whoever he can get his hands on.

It's never clear why the killer is targeting these girls, especially since he was executed in the US.  How did his spirit get to Europe?  Wouldn't it be easier to go after a girls school in the state where he died?

Also someone should have told the special effects team that a gooey, scaly monster with jelly candy eyes is not so spooky.

Terror at the Red Wolf Inn (1972)

aka Terror House

Regina receives an envelope with no return address that contains a letter telling her she's won a vacation.  Naive Regina calls the number provided, even though she didn't enter any contest, and is so overcome with giddy excitement that she doesn't question when she is told she'll have to leave immediately to redeem her prize.  Nor does she falter when she is told by the pilot of the private charter plane she'll be taking to an unknown destination that she will have to call her mom later.

When she arrives at the Red Wolf Inn, she meets two other college  girls who won vacations, Inn owners Evelyn and John, and their grandson Baby John, who is college aged but seems a little soft in the head.

The Inn is beautiful, the owners friendly, and Regina thinks John is cute.  Evelyn cooks huge, delicious meals for everyone.  It's uncomfortable to watch the eating scenes as people are gorging like they haven't eaten in days.  It's bizarre.  Their cheeks bulge with food and yet they continue to shovel it in.  Everyone agrees the ribs are the most tender, tasty things they've ever eaten. Yet we know this is going to end badly since there is too much emphasis on the food and Evelyn doesn't want anyone near the walk in meat locker in the kitchen.

Regina, although a complete ditz, is still likable which is surprising since she doesn't think twice about taking this vacation and doesn't pick up on clues that something isn't right at the house.  She doesn't even get creeped out by the very odd incident which occurs on the beach. Baby John beats a shark to death  while repeatedly screaming, "Shark!" like a crazy man, then turns to look at Regina and deadpans, "I think I love you," before he walks off.

The biggest question I have is about their method of operation to procure women.  Wouldn't it be easier to pick up hitchhikers rather than send anonymous letters to college co-eds?  If anyone had been around in the dorm, Regina would have told them she'd won a vacation.  What percentage of letters get a response, and what are they paying their pilot who must be on call to bring women out but never bring anyone back?

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

I thought I saw all the Friday the 13th movies in the theater, but I don't remember this one.  I can't believe I didn't see it, but it doesn't look familiar.  Perhaps I blotted it from my memory since Jason isn't really in it.  Can it really be a Friday the 13th movie when Jason inhabits other people's bodies (by slowly dribbling a large black slug into their mouths, gross!)  Serious, if Jason is represented on screen as a different character who is possessed rather than a huge behemoth in a hockey mask, it's really not Jason, is it?

Only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, or so the legend goes, which is what causes all this trouble and leads those left alive to end up in the Voorhees Mansion which has trap doors in the floors.  Huh?  Since when did the family have a mansion and why would they have trap doors?

In a finale that can only be described as laser show Jason, good triumphs over evil again... until next time when we get a teaser for the next Freddy vs. Jason movie.

Drainiac (2000)

If you expect to see anything like the monster on the cover, you'll be sorely disappointed as the only thing you'll see is some slime and some things that look like meat tentacles.

Julie's abusive dad leaves her to clean up an isolated old house he just bought.  When her friends decide to bring her lunch, they are followed by a creepy bully who tries to assault one of the girls.

There is green slimey goo in the basement. It eats a hobo.  Yet when the kids are there, it does not appear.  The meat tentacles appear in Julie's dream and also erupt from the toilet to devour the unsuspecting bully.

A stranger shows up at the door, claims the house is haunted by a ghost in the pipes and asks for help doing an exocism.

There is not much monster in the film.  Just some green goo, a few meat tentacles and some cgi stuff during the exorcism.

The New York Ripper (1982)

When a serial killer starts targeting women in New York City, the police team up with a professor to discover the killers identity.
After a report that a woman was followed off a train and attacked by a man with two fingers, the police issue a APB for him.

The  report is heard on the radio by a prostitute spending the night a  two fingered man. She freaks out, runs into the hotel hallway to escape, and runs into the real killer at which point she will die die die.

And in an very odd twist (and you'll probably think I'm joking) the killer talks like a duck.  That's right, you heard me.  He makes a lot of phone calls and always sounds like Donald Duck, even when he's mad.  It's stupefying. The film is full of sleazy New York locations and disturbing kills, but then to completely throw you, there's this duck quacking on the phone.  It's bizarre.

Evil Aliens (2005)

The cast and crew of Weird World drive out to an island (only reachable at low tide).  The island is owned by a farming family of three brothers and a sister.  The sister has claimed she was impregnated by an alien.  There is a stone circle on the island which is rumored to be cursed and is the spot of the alien abduction.

Although Weird World reports on UFOs, the supernatural, and Cryptozoology, none of the cast or crew  have ever seen anything to make them believe in what they report on.  In fact, they don't believe anything they report on and believe only in how much money they can make from sensationalizing the stories.

They decide to bring uber fan Gavin, the head of a UFO club, to help sell the reality of the story.  Gavin regularly writes to them to report any errors they've made and is a true believer in aliens.

Also on board for the trip are several actors and an alien suit so they can reenact the abduction.  They interview the sister, who gets upset when they start cross examining her and obviously don't believe her.  Gavin discovers they are faking evidence for their show.  The host claims they are just there to entertain, and informs him that everything they've ever reported was fake.

What the cast and crew doesn't realize is that they have stumbled across real alien activity and the stone circle on the island is a charging station for alien ships.  Soon they will have a battle on their hands as they try to survive the alien onslaught.

Killer Instinct (2001)

A group of teenagers go to an abandoned insane asylum, which turns out to be incredibly clean and full of hundreds of lit candles.  The friends have a club, either called the Fear Club or the Dare Club, I'm not sure which as what they do is neither scary nor daring.  The task tonight is a scavenger hunt where they must each hide someones underwear and whoever finds the most undies is the winner.  Ridiculous for so many reasons, but most importantly this place is three stories high and huge. How would they ever find even one piece of underwear in it?

Meanwhile Sarah Fairchild, played by Dee Wallace, is in town to make an offer on the meat packing plant, which is the life blood of the town.  But when the board angrily refuses to sell,  this causes Fairchild to snap into hard boiled detective mode as she delves deeper into the small town's history.  She scours microfiche and libraries in a frenzy to find out what is so important about the land and the asylum, and finds a scandal that has been buried and untalked about for years.

Back at the asylum, the kids have gotten locked in and things are starting to go horribly wrong.  There's a killer locked in with them, but they don't realize it.  So they do the normal things that teens do when they go to an abandoned asylum - wander off on their own, have sex, and take a shower.  There is no explanation for why the shower is clean and working, why the bed sheets are not dusty or dirty, or for the lack of any filth anywhere in the abandoned building - which if you didn't set up the scenario that it had been empty for years, you'd think someone lived there.

Madness (2010)

Two cheerleaders, who seem to have taken acting lessons from Tommy Wiseau, are heading to a big cheerleading competition in Minneapolis.  They stop in the middle of nowhere for gas, meet two guys whose car isn't working, and give them a ride.

Unfortunately the teens have attracted the attention of a messed up hillbilly family whose hobby is killing young folks.  After the one eyed freaky hillbilly throws a dead animal on their windshield, they run off the road and are forced to head back to the gas station on foot.

On the way back, they manage to get a ride from a driver who turns out to be another freaky hillbilly. Personally, I'd be suspicious if there was a cage between the front and back seat, but these kids don't bat an eye until they realize they're being kidnapped.  One of the guys dives out of the moving car in a bid to escape, but the others just sit there and don't try to run even once they've stopped.

The characters are supposed to be American teenagers, but it's obvious by their accents and dialogue that they are anything but.  The gas is sold in liters and the station is called Pump.

When the teens manage to get the upper hand at various times throughout the film, they do not capitalize on their situation by grabbing guns or weapons to make sure the hillbillys can't hurt them.  Instead, they just run off into the woods.  Also I can't believe that multiple hits in the face with brass knuckles wouldn't cave in part of your skull, or that when someone's neck essentially has a spigot pouring blood, that he could continue to run through the woods.

Deadlands: The Rising (2006)

Dave and Gary head out early in the morning for a day of shooting cans and drinking beer in the country. When they try to get home that night, they find the city in gridlock as a zombie outbreak has overrun the town.

While Gary's wife and son are waiting for his return, there is a knock at the door.  The police  are advising everyone to lock all their doors and windows, and stay inside.  As soon as the policeman steps off the porch, he is set upon by zombies. Oddly enough this prompts Gary's wife to decide to go outside, get in the car and leave.  Geez lady, at least wait until the zombies have wandered off.

Eventually she meets up with Dave and Gary at a friends house which is isolated and in the middle of nowhere.  As time passes, they wonder if the zombies are still out there as they haven't seen or heard anyone in a long time.  Hmmm, did the zombies learn how to drive?  Because you can hear traffic in the background.

The main problem with this film is that it's an amateur production.  There is lots of padding, bad sound, bad pacing, uninspiring camera work, and not much happens during the movie.  The zombies are mostly absent from the film, and when they do appear they seem to have white face paint on.  Also if it was the zombie apocalypse, wouldn't you at least keep your porch door shut and locked, just in case?

I give anyone credit who can actually get a movie filmed, edited, and completed.  But at the same time, just because I admire the dedication and effort that went into it, that doesn't mean it's good.

As a side note, while I was watching it I wrote down the words horrible and slow.  But I honestly can't remember whether I was referring to the zombies or the movie.

Sasquatch Mountain (2006)

aka Devil on the Mountain

The first thing you'll notice is that the title card in the film says Devil on the Mountain, but the dvd says Sasquatch Mountain.  Hmmm, that doesn't bode well.

When their hold up goes wrong, a group of bank robbers shoot a deputy.  But on the way out of town on an isolated dirt road, they end up in a car accident.  With the police hot on their heels, the two groups engage in a gun battle before the bad guys disappear  into the woods with their hostage Erin.

Erin has in her possession a VHS that was given to her by the gas station attendant who was having a yard sale at work.  The video just happens to contain home video of Bigfoot taken by the attendant's mother who shot the footage the night she died.

Since Erin wants a picturesque route out of town, she's advised to take the dirt road which will eventually turn scenic.  Yeah.... but when I'm driving through an area I'm not familiar with I never take dirt roads in the middle of nowhere.

Chase Jackson, played by Lance Henriksen, is a tow truck drive whose wife died twenty years ago when she was hit by a car.  But right before she died, she captured footage of Bigfoot.  The hit and run is not a plot point, although I figured it would be.  The biggest hole in the story would be that for twenty years Lance has maintained that they saw Bigfoot that night, and no one will believe him.  So... he never showed anyone the freaking tape?  I can see why he wouldn't want to watch it since his wife was hit while filming, but holy cow give it so someone else.

It's robbers vs. lawmen. vs. the tracker vs. Chase Jackson vs. Bigfoot in a mediocre, mostly non-Bigfoot robbers-on-the-lam movie.

House (1977)

aka Hausu

Total craziness from Japan with a freaky cat painting that spews blood, a piano that consumes people, and a spirit waiting for her fiance who never came back from the war.

Oshare and her father always take a summer vacation together.  But this year her father announces he is getting married and his fiance is coming along on their vacation.

Oshare is upset and decides to visit her Aunt, who she met once when six years old.  Along for the ride are six friends whose names describe their personalities - Sweet, Fantasy, Professor, Melody, Kung Fu, and Mac.  Mac likes to eat and is the butt of many fat jokes, but she's really not fat.

Strange things happen as the objects in the house attack and kill the girls.  The Aunt needs to eat young girls to remain young.  She also has a cat with supernatural powers.  Also inexplicably, Mr. Togo turns into a huge pile of bananas. Huh?

R-Point (2004)

The military is shocked when they start receiving distress calls from a unit in the field that disappeared over six months ago. The only man to return from the unit was badly burned, traumatized, and  claimed that they were attacked, but insisted it was not by the Vietcong.

A rescue team is sent to R-Point, where the unit was last seen.  As they make their way through the landscape, they must deal with enemy firepower, a lake which is now a burial ground, strange visitors, and the possibility that the land is haunted and they may never return home.

While there is some suspense, it is easy to get the characters confused as they are mainly seen in a group and most of the guys do not have any background or character development.

Vampire Party (2008)

aka Les dents de la nuit

Friends Sam, Alice, and Prune manage to get invitations to Medici Night, an exclusive party that takes place in a secret location, and is the stuff of urban legends.  The trio, along with other guests, are flown via helicopter to an old castle where an invitation is required for admittance.

Inside the castle is a rave where the crowd are going wild.  But what the party goers don't realize is that inside another entrance  there is a different group of party goers waiting to attend.  For in reality, the party is a ruse to provide dinner for a large group of vampires.

The rest of the movie involves the main characters trying to escape the castle.  Somehow they all manage to avoid being bitten when the feasting on blood began.  There are some laughs, but the film is not like Airplane, as it says on the front cover.  It's okay, but not a laugh riot.  I don't think I laughed out loud even once.

Scream (1981)

A group on a rafting trip decide to spend the night in a ghost town.  When one of them is killed, they question whether the killer is a stranger or one of their group. Although the victim died while wandering off on his own, two others wander off alone during the night and meet their demise.

The next day they discover their rafts are gone. The nearest town is thirty miles away and no one will send a search party until they don't show up at their scheduled destination that night.  Despite the presence of a killer in town, the group decide to wait for help rather than leave.

Later in the day, two lost dirt bikers arrive and the group convinces one to let them borrow his bike to try to get help.  That night an old man on a horse, along with a dog, come into town with the body of one of the dirt bikers.  The old man tells them a confusing story about a sea caption and then leaves.

If you're looking for thrills or a revelation of who or what is doing the killings, or even a glimpse of the killer, you'll be sadly mistaken.  There is not a lot of dialogue and the music is right out of an early 80s tv show, think Hardcastle and McCormick or Magnum PI.  It's pretty slow moving and there isn't really a pay off since the killer's identity is left open ended.

Graveyard Disturbance

Five teens shoplift at a small store while traveling in a custom painted Van with portraits of Madonna and Duran Duran on the side of it.  While trying to escape from the police in the Obvious Mobile, the group turns down a dirt road they believe is a short cut and end up stuck in the mud.  After a long walk, they bed down in the ruins of a church for the night but soon awaken to strange noises and discover a neon sign designating a pub in the basement of the ruins.

The inhabitants of the pub are super sketchy, but our little group sits down to order food and drink.  When they notice a glass globe about three feet wide filled with valuables, the Proprietor tells them that anyone who can spend the entire night in the crypts can claim the treasure.

Oddly enough the group devise a plan in which David will volunteer to be locked in the crypts for the night.  Once the pub closes, then the others can sneak back in to join him.  It doesn't make any sense on so many levels.  You want to grab them and shout, "Hey kids, notice how that container is filled with cash, jewels, and gold?  Well, that means that all those other people before you have failed." Well I guess you'd want to do that if you cared about them, but they're not the most likeable folks.

After the others are in the crypts, they locate David and bodies start rising from coffins while strange monsters lurk in the dark hallways until roused by the groups appearance.  All the kids want to leave but can't figure a way out.  There is a weird eyeball monster and one of the bodies in the crypt has a rotten head but a normal body.

Forget Me Not (2009)

While celebrating their high school graduation, a group of friends drives out to the cemetery to play a game they used to play when they were kids.  One person is the ghost, and everyone they tag becomes ghosts until one person is left.  When the vengeful spirit of Angela is awakened, the group become targets of her wrath as they were responsible for her getting hurt as a child.

Sandy, who used to be Angela's friend, is the only one who can remember things as they were.  As each of her friends dies, it is as if they never existed. The remaining members of the group start thinking Sandy is having a breakdown.  None of them have any memory of the people who die or their houses or cars which appear long abandoned.  It all becomes a race against time as Sandy tries to figure out what is really going on, how to stop it, and why she is the only one who can remember people who were their best friends.

While it's an interesting concept, there are a couple of problems.  Since Angela is not dead, how can her spirit interact with and kill those who did her wrong.  Also, Angela's reaction to her best friend playing a game with the other kids is kind of psycho, which makes her a much less sympathetic character.    Based on her outburst, you can actually identify with the kids who decide to play a prank on her.  Let's face it, no one likes to hang out with a big baby.

But the biggest problem is the ripple effect that would come from friends not ever existing.  Someone is erased from history, yet their friends lives remain almost unchanged, except for a lack of memory.  So if TJ never existed, the house he lived in would be long abandoned?  No one else would have lived there for years?  Did I blink and miss that he had fixed up an abandoned house?  It would be much more effective if someone else lived there.  Or someone else was driving the sports car.

When the movie begins, we randomly cut from scene to scene, all with different characters.  We aren't told who they are or how they relate to each other.  Also all the girls look very similar, so we kept getting confused as to whether the new scene had a new girl, or one who'd already been interacting with other characters.

Lastly, the ghosts, or whatever they are, that kill the kids look like a cross between the twitchy Japanese horror spirits, Marilyn Manson in the Beautiful People video, and someone in an Ace Frehley costume made out of duct tape.

Kull the Conquerer (1997)

When Kull beats the King in a sword fight, the dying monarch bestows his crown on Kull.  The heirs to the throne band to gether to plot Kull's death by reanimating the Red Witch.  The witch puts a spell on Kull in order to become his bride.  When the witch poisons him on his wedding night, the heirs are ecstatic until they discover the witch has changed her bargain with them and intends to remain in power.

Kull bands together with the palace psychic and her priest brother in order to destroy the witch and the men who sought his death.  Kull is a benevolent King who makes positive changes in the kingdom, like freeing the slaves.  Oh that Kull, he's such a good guy.

The music vears from metal to orchestral and back again.  Much of the movie could be from a Manowar metal video. There are a plethora of cod pieces in this flick.

The Thaw (2009)

When you title your movie, you should try to make it something that will generate some sort of interest so people will want to see your film.  The Thaw, besides being really generic, is almost a tongue twister and sounds like whoever is saying it has a lisp.  How about for the next one we call it The Thcrewdriver?

Dr. Kruipen, world famous expert in global warming, is in the Artic doing research in hopes of convincing people of the seriousness of this issue.  While tracking a polar bear, he discovers the melting ice caps have revealed a wooly mammoth.  However the mammoth is infected with some sort of parasite which is not finicky about who or what it inhabits.  

Three students majoring in Ecology who were chosen to work with Kruipen are already on their way.  The fourth member of their team, Kruipen's daughter, is only there due to feeling forced into it by her  often absent father.  

Due to the risks associated with his find, Kruipen asks the pilot to tell his daughter there is a change of plans and she can not come out to the site.  She refuses to accept this since she has traveled so far, as well as the fact that she is angry at her father so she's not going to do what he says.

When the pilot, college students, and daughter arrive at home base, they find it deserted and also find the carcass of the polar bear in the lab.  When one of her father's crew shows up badly injured and no one at the camp will answer on the radio, two of the students head out to find out what happened.  The parasite is at the site and back at the base, and as it infects people, the chances of survival get slimmer.

Brain Twisters (1993)

Professor Phillip Rothman, who looks like a cross between Alice Cooper and Rik Ocasek, is using his students in a research project for a company called Biotonics.  Skanky Michelle is doing poorly in class, so she offers sex for a good grade.  But Rothman would rather have her assist in his experiment meant to measure emotional responses to nerve stimulation.  Somehow this relates to computer game research.

Michelle is afraid of having electrodes hooked up to her head.  Rothman tells her, "If it's too much to handle, push the escape button."  My rule?  Count me out if your experiment is risky enough to need an escape button.  Too bad Michelle didn't have the same self preservation instincts since Rothman's experiment has the side effect of causing uncontrollable anger which leads to attacking and/or killing other people.

Meanwhile Laurie, who is in the same class and is doing work study for Rothman, finds her best friend murdered.  The Detective asks her to accompany him when they tell her friend's fiance, Ted.  They find Ted working as a waiter, order a meal, and then tell him the bad news.  As can be expected, Ted reacts badly.  But it gets weird because there are pinball sound effects, Ted looks strange, and then he jumps out the window.

Police are suspicious of Rothman because he claimed Ted's body and has a signed contract stating the body can be used for scientific research.  Rothman feigns innocence, but since his experiments involve cutting the heads off corpses, you know there's a problem.

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

The author of a series of teen vampire novels recruits retired vampire hunter Edgar Frog to help find her younger brother who disappeared at a rave.  She believes he was taken by vampires who plan to use him as a sacrifice at a huge underground rave about to take place nearby.

The new drug supplied at the raves is called Thirst.  Kids are given the drug which contains blood from the alpha vampire, thus ushering them into the league of the undead.

Along with Edgar, the novelist also hires a reality TV host who thinks this is like his show, a fake.  Edgar is not happy about this development, but decides to lead the mission as if he lets the obnoxious TV host go off on his own it will surely be a disaster.

Alan Frog, who was bitten by a vampire, contributes to the cause by making equipment that Edgar can use to kill the vampires.

While it can't complete with the original movie, it's still better than the sequel from a few years ago which featured random teens who come to stay in town and meet vampires.  The Frog Brothers are central to this movie, which makes it work.

The Apple (1980)

Metaphor-heavy, social commentary wrapped in a disco bow, The Apple is set in the "future" (1994) and tells the fable of a duo who discover that they must sell their souls to Satan to get ahead in the music industry. Naive duo Alfie and Bibi travel from a small town to compete in a world singing competition but are beaten by a band sponsored by BIM, Boogalow International Music.

When Mr. Boogalow offers them a contract, they are ecstatic until Alfie starts to read it and decides not to sign.  Bibi betrays Alfie by signing the contract as she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it big.  Soon Bibi is selling out concerts all over the world, with throngs of fans mobbing her everywhere she goes.  She's also under influence of speed as Mr. Boogalow keeps his artists in a state of subservience with pharmaceuticals and thinly veiled threats to do what he requests.

Alfie wants to make it on his own, but is going nowhere.  He  misses Bibi and sees how shes changed.  So he tries to save her from herself, the star machine that is BIM and Mr. Boogalow who is Satan.   There are lots of songs, dancing, and discoing all over the place.

As always, anytime someone in the 1980s tries to picture what the future looks like, they get it horribly, hilariously wrong.  There are many flashy, glittery, silvery ridiculous outfits.

Yup, no religious overtones in this scene.

In 1994, everyone will dress like this.

Bibi wears silver spandex and makes it big.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow (2004)

aka Skarecrow

Well, if there's one thing I can say about this - unlike Dark Harvest 2 - there certainly is a killer scarecrow in it.

A group of friends, who don't seem to like each all that much, head up to an old family cabin for their annual weekend retreat. On the way they stop for gas and receive a warning of death from a crazy old blind preacher. They ignore it and continue to the abandoned cabin, which is inexplicably spotless.

Although there were remarks about the water being undrinkable and no one has used the place for years, as soon as they arrive one of the girls wants to take a bath. Very strange considering it only took  an hour to drive there.  Why wouldn't she bathe before the trip? Makes no sense.

Due to the flashback at the beginning of the movie, we know that the family ran an illegal moonshine operation and seized the land from the actual owner. Bad news as the old lady was a witch and her curse immediately brought death at the hands of her scarecrow. And what our semi-young vacationers do not know is that the witch cursed the moonshiners descendents. Hurrah for the fun weekend ahead!

There is lots of beer and plans for the pursuit of the opposite sex. One couple heads out for a romantic  walk across the field. When the girl refuses to put out near an old scarecrow, the guy punches her in the face.  Her blood splashes the scarecrow, disappearing into it's clothing. Uh oh, that can't be good.

As per usual, the first couple to have sex are the first to suffer a casualty. The rest of the film is everyone running around, trying to figure out if the cabin owner is the killer, and trying not to die along the way.

The acting is atrocious. There were times I actually laughed out loud at the line reads. The film is supposed to take place in 1981, but we only know that because they said so. There is nothing 1980s about this movie, including the clothing and hair styles. The camera work is often very jerky, especially zooming out from closeups, and has a home movie camcorder feel to it. The behind the scenes footage shows that they did not have soft boxes or any real lighting.

Confusing scenes which go nowhere and have no impact on anything:

1. Bandana guy gets something several inches long stuck in his finger while in the basement. He states,"ow that smarts," loses a fingernail, and it is never mentioned again.
2. Although they carry in water from the well to fill the bathtub, later they use the tap and have no trouble getting water to wash a cut.
3. Allie has a psychic vision and passes out when touching an old book - which is barely dusty after having been in the basement for years. But its never explained why and none of her visions are useful or involved in the plot.
4. There is a POV shot from the vantage point of the girl in the sex scene, with the camera going up and down to simulate whats going on.
5. There is a cat scare.
6. Allie keeps taking deep breaths as if she is sniffing something, but it turns out to be just bad acting as she is trying to seem out of breath.
7. Cindy disappears from front door and Allie freaks out. She picks something off the floor and rubs it on her face. It turns out to be Cindy's hair, ewww!
8. When Allie screeches, she sounds like a cross between a crow and an old witch cackling.
9. Allie is making noises, but its unclear whether shes making animal noises or if they're supposed to somehow represent her fear.
10. Someone needs to let Allie know that screeching is not a substitute for an emotion.
11. Brent claims he never knew about the bulkhead that leads from the outside into the basement. But it's not hidden. There's a bulkhead outside and a door in the basement .
12. Why is Allie so freaked out by the old scarecrow. 

Dark Harvest 2: The Maize (2004)

aka The Maize: The Movie

The first thing you need to know is that there is no scarecrow in this movie. Did you hear me? No scarecrow.  Not only that, but we are treated to a movie that was originally called The Maize: The Movie.  Seriously?  That title screams to be ignored.

You know you're in trouble when you notice that the lead actor is also listed as writer, producer, director, cameraman, and assistant to the editor.  What enthusiastic amateurs often don't understand is that its a good idea to get another opinion involved to provide constructive criticism so you don't end up with an unwatchable mess.

Shy Walker has questionable psychic abilities which have previously predicted vague horrible consequences in the near future.  While handing out Halloween candy, he has a vision of harm coming to his daughters.  When a phone call to his wife reveals that the girls are somewhere inside a corn maize, Walker rushes rescue them.

The girls are dressed as vampires and are making a video about being lost in a corn maize. Duh. At one point, the camera zooms in and out as the older sister has the younger one scream while filming her mouth from less than a foot away. Seriously, they show footage of the girl screaming for several minutes.  It gets really annoying.

The girls run into a couple of semi-creepy little girls who speak in tandem and are looking for a lost locket.  After realizing these girls may not be alive, the daughters drop their camera and run off screaming.  As night falls, they find themselves lost in the maize.

Luckily their father is looking for them... still. Hour after hour he walks through the corn maize trying to find them. Is it really so big that they can't hear each other yelling? Why doesn't his wife, waiting outside the entrance, ask for help from the people running the place? They'll know how to get through the maize.  Or why not send out a search party?

I guess because otherwise we would only have about ten minutes worth of footage.  The film is mostly people walking through the corn maize. Plus a long sequence of the father digging in the dirt.  The spotlights shining on the actors are very distracting as they are supposed to be alone in the corn maize.  Yet there is this spotlight only on them.  When Walker is handcuffed and manages to pick the lock, I thought, "gee, it's a good thing someone is shining a light on his hands otherwise he wouldn't be able to do that." 

Megafault (2009)

An extremely sickly looking Brittany Murphy stars as a seismologist who has a theory about a megafault lying under the middle of the US. When a massive earthquake starts moving along this fault, Brittany gives a few words of advice, checks out the scene, and then spends the majority of the movie concentrating on the safety of her own family. She also has a fondness for the explosives expert she saved from the origin site of the earthquake, and the two use all her resources to try to save his mother as well as her family. So much for misuse of government resources.

As the quake travels across the plains with nothing to stop it, Brittany and the explosives guy attempt to use his knowledge to create a twenty five mile canyon which will hault the quakes progress.

The quake also causes a super volcano to surge under the ground, melting peoples shoes and eventually their heads. Oddly enough their clothes are intact until after their head melts.

Brittany's husband and child are given special treatment and are flown home on a military plane. The plane crashes, but somehow both end up wandering out of the woods alive. In keeping with the family tradition of self absorbtion, they do not make any attempt to check if the the pilots managed to survive also. Later husband and daughter hitch a ride with a trucker carrying a rig full of oil which is unfortunate since they're near the dreaded super volcano and must outrun the faultline which threatens to blow up the rig. The brilliant plan to unhitch the rig works.  But in it's post-explosive cgi glory rolling down the road,  if you'd replaced it with a cgi dinosaur on fire it would have looked very similar.

I don't know whether it was the makeup, or if Brittany was very ill or hopped up on goofballs, but her appearance is very distracting.  She does not look well.

Murder Loves Killers Too (2009)

A group of friends rent a cabin and head out for a weekend of partying. The cars engine blows, but luckily they are close enough to walk the rest of the way. From the outside the house looks huge, but inside is two bedrooms, bath, kitchen/living area, plus an upstairs room with a pool table.

Before our group can start partying, our killer has grabbed one of the girls. It's quick and unexpected. Everyone figures shes gone for a jog. Her boyfriend decides to go after her and meets a similar fate. The remaining three start partying and get smashed.

The killer, a benign looking middle aged man, starts picking them off one by one, and very shortly we are down to our final girl. She manages to hide from the killer, even though there aren't many places to hide. Ultimately she does some really stupid things which put her right in the killers hands. Isn't that always the way?

The last part of the movie heads in a completely different direction, which is when it loses all its momentum. It might have been okay if it was shorter or if the end wasn't fairly predictable.

The most ridiculous part of the whole movie is that even though there are signs that someone else is staying at the cabin, they completely ignore this. There is a car in the driveway, the door is unlocked, the door to the deck is open, the bed appears to be slept in, there is remnants of a cup of coffee, and the fridge is stocked with food. One person questions it, but the others couldn't care less. Silly college kids, you die now.

Witchboard III: The Possession (1995)

When his landlord shows unemployed stock broker Brian a Ouija board that he claims can predict which stocks to buy, Brian is understandably skeptical. But when the stock takes off, Brian heads back for another Ouija session. To Brian's surprise, his landlord gives him a ring and then commits suicide by jumping off the balcony.

After the funeral, Brian steals the Ouija board, borrows fifty thousand dollars from a loan shark, and tries to make a killing on the market. Unfortunately he does not have the sixty two thousand five hundred dollars that he needs to pay back within twenty four hours. When the loan shark's goon tries to chop off Brian's finger, blood is spilled on the box housing the Ouija and Brian is the only one who leaves the office alive.

Brian's attempt to destroy the Ouija only succeeds in an accident which stops his heart. His wife Julie calls paramedics who seemingly resuscitate him. However Brian has changed. At first it's little things like his hairstyle. But soon Julie is wondering who this person is, as he hits on her best friend right in front of her. Shortly after this she discovers her husband is actually stuck in the mirror and his body is inhabited by demon who intends to impregnate her. Oh the humanity!

The Curse of Lizzie Borden

Cassie is taking a summer class on American Folklore where one of the study topics is Lizzie Borden. Her professor decides to take the class on a completely pointless field trip to Josiah Moodys house so Moody can test out his tourist rap. His house is a tourist attraction with original artifacts from Lizzie and Moody wants to practice his patter to make sure people are willing to pay for a tour.

Moody is planning a Halloween tour with someone dressed as Lizzie with an ax. Cassie is offered the job and immediately moves into Moodys house. Soon she intermittently believes she actually is Lizzie. She talks strangely, alienates her boyfriend, and decides to use a real ax for a prop.

Moody thinks she really into her character until he awakes in the middle of the night to find her standing over him. Next the viewer thrills to the sight of an overweight man moving slowly down the stairs as Cassie treads slowly behind him with an ax.

When Lizzie possesses Cassie, she claims she will have her revenge on the town folk for accusing her of a crime she didn't commit and ruining her life. Then she starts killing her friends, even though I'm not sure how that figures into her pact with Satan. So.... Lizzie's revenge is to kill innocent college students who don't live anywhere near her hometown? It's not like she's taking her revenge out on anyone's descendants. These are just a bunch of stupid college kids.

Funniest lines -

Cassie stating that she hates her stepmom because, "She's like half my age and a total bitch." So... her stepmom is ten?

When Cassie tells her roommate shes moving out and staying with Moody, her roommate responds, "I can't live here all alone. It's a two bedroom."

This a is super low budget movie and it shows. It was so bad that I got some enjoyment out of it because it's so ridiculous. Here is just some of the silly things I observed:

1. Moodys death involves him saying (not yelling), "Ahhhhh" after he is hit with the ax.
2. Every time the ax hits him, there is a metallic sound like a trampoline or old springs. It made me laugh out loud.
3. Lizzie sells her soul to the devil for revenge because shes innocent.
4. The professor warns the class that Moody is eccentric, and in this case eccentric means can't act.
5. Moody mispronounces Massachusetts.
6. I'm still not sure if Moodys hair is a wig.
7. the reenactment of the killings is historically inaccurate, yet there is no reason for changing the murder locations.
8. Whenever some is killed, cups full of fake blood are thrown from off screen onto the people and walls.
9. Why does Cassie move into Moodys when she takes the job? Couldn't she remain in her own apartment? And what sort of nut moves into the house of someone they just met?
10. No tourist attraction would leave a tour guide without any training alone on the first day of the job.
11. They're using a real ax in a haunted tourist attraction. What could possibly go wrong?
12. Cassie claims she is Lizzie, but also says she invited everyone to the house because they're her closest friends - which is it?
13. When Lizzie hits a girl, there is blood on her ax. When she raises the ax again, it is clean.
14. The three stooges routine - two duck, third gets hit by ax - bad writing or a tribute?
15. When Cassie is elbowed in the face and drops the ax, no one picks it up. Duhr!
16. Her friends state they are worried about Cassie and agree to meet. They don't.

Killer Bash: Vengeance Never Dies (2005)

In 1975 five frat boys accidentally cause the death of geeky Robert Hyde in a prank gone wrong. Thirty years later, Becky Jekyll is studying Chemistry and Microbiology, and ends up with Roberts books. Not sure why these books are still being used since there have been many advances in science during the past thirty years, and Becky will surely fail her classes by studying them.

Becky finds a map in one of the books which leads to the basement where she stumbles across Roberts class ring. Somehow Roberts spirit takes possession of Becky and uses his supernatural powers to seek revenge on the frat boys who bullied him. Luckily for Robert, all the frat boys have sons who are all the same age, attend the very same college as their fathers did, and have pledged the same frat. What are the odds?

Roberts spirit makes Becky's eyes glow red when she is about to kill. All the deaths seem like accidents, except for the fact that all the guys belong to one frat.

There is plenty of padding with frat parties, music, and dancing.

The movie is full of ridiculous-ness:

• Becky's last name is Jekyll and Roberts last name is Hyde
• when Becky is possessed by nerdy Robert, she goes from a mousy, shy pariah to a popular hot chick - since when do dead nerds know how to give girls make overs?
• the weight lifting equipment is located outside on the lawn
• the soccer team practice near the weights in a common area next to a sidewalk, not on a soccer field
• Craig is deathly allergic to peanuts, yet the granola bar he eats appears to be covered in nuts, which he doesn't notice
• the odds of the five frat guys all having kids the same age is astronomical
• we only know it's 1975 at the beginning because they tell us it is - you can't tell from the fashions or haircuts
• Argh! What is up with that DVD cover? Her face is totally photoshopped onto that neck.

Vicious (2003)

An elite military squad comprised of two soldiers is called in to eliminate Kane, a rogue agent who is out of control. Uh oh, this isn't going to end well since he's in charge of Project Carnivore. The soldiers are supposed to keep a low profile, but they wear military outfits, berets, and a strange black and red patch. They are far from low profile.

Meanwhile three friends reluctantly go camping in the woods with one guys girlfriend in tow. The girlfriend has a bunch of stupid rules to keep the guys in line, and seems to hate her boyfriends buddies. His friends are not happy that she's managed to guilt trip her way into coming on their weekend getaway.

Now that conflict has been established, we know that soon the group will splinter making it easier for the monster to eat them. Yes that's right, because Project Carnivore involves Tom Savini feeding people to a wretched cgi monster. Hold onto your hats and sit back for a trip of horror that's about as exciting as the monster on the DVD cover - and good luck.

Midnight Movie (2008)

Years ago Ted Radford made a movie in which he played the killer. His obsession with the film drove him to be locked in an asylum. The doctors believe that if they let him watch the film, it will ease his obsession. However it has the opposite effect as the next thing you know there is a massacre at the hospital and Ted has disappeared.

A movie house decides to have a midnight showing of Radfords movie. The doctor and police detective who were around five years ago when the Radford escaped believe that this may get Radford out of hiding, if he's still alive.

Some kids in the audience see their friend being killed on the movie screen, and think it is an elaborate prank. Through some sort of unexplained weirdness, live footage of the murders in the theater appear in the movie. When the film looks like it's starting to melt, it becomes the killers point of view which shows what is occurring at that moment in time.

When they finally figure out that the murders are real and happening in the theater, they freak out. There is no escape from the theater, as the doors are locked and there is no cell reception. The detective and doctor show up at the theater hoping the killer will show and they can recapture him.

Since the killer comes out of the movie, why not just shut off the projector? They don't. They keep running around in a panic. Eventually someone figures out this would be a good idea. They shut off the film, but soon evil starts it up again and locks them out of the projection booth.

The next stupid idea is that since the killers view is on the screen, one of them will stay behind to watch the film, while the others try to escape. This way they can keep an eye on him and maybe use his POV against him as they'll know where he is. Of course this doesn't work either and there are more deaths.

The group keeps splitting up, even though they've figured out that the killer only individuals, not groups of people. Also odd - the movie theater has an amazing amount of long hallways.

Bigfoot (2006)

After his father dies, Jack and his daughter Charlie move back to Jack's home town and into his fathers house. Bob, the local Sheriff, is Jacks best friend. The town has recently been plagued by deer mutilations and the disappearance of some town folk. One of the old codgers in the local bar reckons its due to Bigfoot, and laughter ensues.

When Jack sees a huge hairy monster one night, he theorizes that Bigfoot may be the cause of the killings in town. No one believes him. So he suits up in military garb and heads off to fight Bigfoot. This is completey ridiculous as he has no plan as to how to succeed and only carries flares and guns. During their fight, Jack blows stuff up, but Bigfoot remains unscathed.

There is no explanation as to why Bigfoot has suddenly started killing people. Since we know the creature was in the area at least sixty years earlier, what happened to make him start eating the livers of human beings? Jack comes across as the guy who remains calm even in the face of crisis, but then you just realize it's just wooden acting.

Wedding Slashers (2006)

Jenna dreams of getting married, but she's afraid to commit as everyone she loves ends up dead. When Alex proposes, Jenna agrees although she questions whether it is a good idea. At the church, Jenna starts getting excited as the wedding is only one hour away and nothing bad has happened yet. Then out the window of the church she spies a large man in a mask carrying a knife.

Seems Jenna lied about her past as everyone thought her family was dead. In reality, they are an inbred hillbilly clan who have been looking for Jenna since she ran away. People marry within the family and she is promised to her cousin. So anyone who Jenna gets attached to is promptly eliminated.

Jenna gives her cellphone to her bridesmaid, tells her to get out, and asks her to tell everyone the wedding is canceled. The bridesmaid makes the calls from her car until a hillbilly kills a member of the wedding party on the hood of her car. So does she drive off to save herself and get help for those in the church? Nope. She gets out of the car and runs into the woods at the urging of the person she's speaking to on Jenna's cell phone. Good god, no sense of self preservation with that girl. Then we get to thrill to her in high heels slowly picking her way up the dirt path on a hill while an overweight hillbilly in a mask tries to catch up to her.

When I watched the trailer, I knew this would be bad, but there was some really bad acting so I thought it might be funny. No such luck. This is just ridiculous, although I was happy to see Richard Lynch even though I wish he'd had better material.

Stupidest line-

"If you ever doubt my love for you, just remember I sank a meat cleaver into the neck of a guy I've known since 5th grade so he wouldn't take you from me." - Alex

The worst part about that line? It was uttered without any emotion. Plus he really didn't need to kill his friend, he could have hit him over the head to knock him out. And why the hell does a church have a meat cleaver just sitting on a counter?

The trailer has lots of people running from the church and people inside screaming. But neither of those scenes are in the movie. Only the wedding party had shown up at the church.

There is a long pointless scene of two hillbillys arguing about an inane topic. Later we get the same from two different hillbillys. This just serves to pad the film and provide a way for Alex to sneak up on them.

The hillbillys end up in a cabin at the end, which begs the question if you've run away from your hillbilly family, why would you get married at a church within walking distance of their cabin? Also why would you let your picture be taken and put in the paper for your engagement? You can say no. Not everyone does it.

Also why doesn't anyone have a cell phone? The only characters who have them are ones where it is convenient to the plot. And when they hide in the church, no one looks for a phone to call 911. Since they hole up in the church during the day, and don't leave the church until after dark, you'd think at some point, one of them would have decided to look for a phone.

Death Sport (1978)

In the future, there is war, mutants, and something called Death Sport. It's never made perfectly clear what the rules are, other than its a sport where you die. They ride Death Machines, which are motorcycles with cheap-o metal face plates and futuristic controls on the dash - that's right the cycles have a dashboard.

There isn't really a cohesive plot. Our cast of characters are either bad guys - the power mad leader Lord Zirpola; and Ankar (played by the 1970s/1980s quintessential villain Richard Lynch) - or good guys - nomad Kaz, female Deneer, Lord Zirpolas doctor (who dared to tell him he was ill) and the doctors son. The good guys are captured by the villains and forced to participate in Death Sport.

Of course, none of them want to be in Death Sport since there is death involved. So they formulate a plan to break out. Once free from the force field, they travel across the country to rescue a young girl who was kidnapped from Deneers tribe. This involves heading into the mutant caves to see if she is still alive.

The movie is full of motorcycle riding, chase scenes, futuristic bike sounds, more riding, more chase scenes, and explosions. In fact there are so many explosions that you'll start being surprised when things don't blow up. It's cheesy, it's funny, it's stupid, and it's sometimes entertaining.

Ninjas Vs. Vampires (2010)

When Aaron confesses his love to best friend Alex, things go horribly wrong. First she rejects him and then they are attacked by lame looking vampires. Out of nowhere some ninjas show up to save them, but then disappear with Alex. When Aaron finds her back at her house, she has no memory of anything after she rejected him. Her memory troubles continue as she can't remember their conversation while they're speaking.

Aaron manages to find the ninjas household where he learns they protect people from vampire attacks. The leader of the vampires, Seth (who looks like a frat boy), is planning to destroy the ninjas and that would leave the humans completely vulnerable. Aaron convinces the ninjas to train him to become a ninja so he can protect Alex.

The vampires costumes are bizarre. I'm not sure if they were sponsored by a costume shop, or just had access to all these outfits and decided to use them. But there are random outfits that make it look like costume party. Sometimes the vampire fangs appear to be too big for their mouths, which is awkward when they speak as it just looks ridiculous.

There is a training montage when they teach Aaron how to fight. At one point we are treated to Aaron using nunchuks which was great as he actually knows how to use them.

When the movie started, I was worried. As the credits roll, some stupid chick in her underwear and a twilight shirt is running through the woods after dark and is killed. The video is not well lit. Then the stupid looking vampires in the first attack almost made us shut the movie off. But we decided to stick it out a little longer which ended up being a good decision. Although it has some problems, it also has a lot of charm and we ended up enjoying it. It's much better than most really low budget movies.

Brain Dead (2007)

A tiny meteor plummets to Earth, slams into a fisherman's forehead, and comes to rest in his cranial cavity. By the time his friend runs over to him, he's changed into a zombie-like monster, rips his friends head open and eats his brain.

The creature spews a thick black oily substance from it's mouth which can be used to turn its victims into monsters. If you manage to kill one of these monsters, the little alien slug inside them needs to find a new host.

Into the woods stomps our cast of characters who all end up in the same isolated cabin. First are two escaped convicts (one a murderer, the other a petty criminal handcuffed to the murderer when he made his escape). They are looking for tools to remove their handcuffs. Next we have two lost female hikers who are hoping for directions or a place to spend the night. Lastly, a Reverend and his assistant who are stranded after their car crashes after the Reverend makes a pass at the young lady.

The special effects are well done and there's some gore. The comedy often falls flat, but the movie is so much better than I expected. Definitely some surprises as far as effects go although the story is rather predictable. One thing which was funny is that the killers tattoos appear to have been done with a Sharpie. It looks okay for what it is, but it's still funny.