Boogeyman 2 (1983)

I've never seen Boogeyman, but apparently much of the footage from this film is from the first one. Lacey returns to her childhood home where she and her brother were regularly beaten by their mothers boyfriend.  While there, she accidentally breaks a mirror.  She brings the shards home, but there is one piece missing.  In a fit, she throws the mirror into the sink and it bursts into flames.

Lacey's friends want to make her story into a movie, and throw a party where they try to exploit her tragic past.  One of her friends husbands, Mickey, doesn't want to have anything to do with the film as he doesn't think they should exploit her.  Everyone else is fine with using her.

The killings are done by a big white hand holding a small piece of the mirror, which apparently can control inanimate objects as we have death by electric toothbrush, shaving cream, garden hose, exhaust pipe, corkscrew, BBQ tongs, a slamming window, and an exploding car.

Meat for Satans Ice Box (2004)

Satan's Ice Box is the local meat market, and the town is full of cannibals who eat runaways and strippers since no one will miss them.  Blah.  Nothing more to it. Don't bother. It's painfully bad.

The Haunting of Whaley House (2012)

College student Penny works as a tour guide at Whaley House, a  historic home which is supposed to be haunted.  After Penny tells her friends about a tourist on her tour that freaked out after  claiming to see a ghost, her friends cajole her into letting them in after dark to look around.  One friend invites his cousin, who in turn invites a noted psychic.  Penny is not amused at the extra guests.

With the exception of Giselle, who has the good sense to not want to be there,  the rest of the group are excited to explore the house and maybe see ghosts.  The psychic is able to communicate with entities in the house and after some questioning, the group ends up trapped in a bedroom due to an unseen evil force.

After they manage to get the door open, Giselle decides to leave, but a ghost causes her to fall down the stairs.  The group hears her scream and gathers at her side to see if she's still alive by moving her head. Yikes!  Yes, it's always a good idea to move an injured persons neck back and forth after a fall.

Penny's boyfriend suggests they call 911 and Craig goes nuts.  He says everyone will think they killed her because they broke into the house. Whaaa?  Where the heck did he come up with that kind of logic? I'm flummoxed by his reasoning. Huge drama unfolds as they argue whether to leave her there to be found in the morning, or try to get help.  What a great friend.

This is better than many films by The Asylum because there aren't as many dialogue heavy scenes. However that's not saying much so watch at your own risk.

Fear Itself (2007)

Marshall and his girlfriend Julia, Brad and his girlfriend Chelsea, and their friend Taylor love pulling pranks on people.  However their idea of pranks are actually malicious.  When a teen accidentally spills soda on Marshall, they humiliate him by pulling off his swim trunks and gathering a crowd to laugh at him.  They shoot Megan with paintball guns in the middle of cheerleaders practice while she's being held high in the air. This causes her to fall to the ground and hurt her ankle.  And for some reason the gang thinks using foul smelling paint will make her unpopular.

A few days later when Megan hobbles up on her crutches and tells them someday someone will make them pay for their stunts, they all scoff.

Marshall decides their pranks need to go further.  He wants to find out someones deepest fear and then torture them with it.  For example, if someone was afraid of spiders, they'd throw them in a box full of spiders.  Yeah, Marshall's a swell guy.

They decide to invite a guy who has a crush on Taylor to party at a cabin.  Then they start talking about what they fear and the guy reveals he has claustrophobia.  Shortly after that, they slip him a mickey.  When he wakes up, he's in a pine coffin and they're throwing dirt on it.  Needless to say, he freaks out.  I think anyone would freak out even if they didn't have claustrophobia.

The prank goes wrong when the hole they dug caves in and they have to dig him out.  Geez guys, couldn't you just pretend he's in a hole and throw dirt on the coffin?  It's not like he'd know the difference.  Once they dig out the coffin, they pull him out, find him unconscious, anonymously call 911, and leave him there.  Great job, jerks.

This is a movie where I saw the opening scene, and thought "uh oh."  It appears to be shot on digital video.  The sound seems to have been recorded live since the background noise is loud. At one point the background music is mixed louder than the dialogue.  The title sequence and all the music are right out of a soap opera.  During Chelsea's family scenes, the mic overloads.  A whole segment in and around a house is filmed in fog vision, but I think it's some sort of soft focus or after effect. Either way there's no reason for it so it's just confusing.  Also Chelsea's family listens to soft jazz during dinner.  And geez people,  can we please have an accident scene where the characters don't turn the victims head to see if they're okay?

Also confusing is when Brad does this amazing dive into the pool, Chelsea gets upset and tells him to stop doing stunts as she couldn't bear to lose him.  Huh?  It was a fantastic twisting, rolling dive that could only be done by someone who knew how to dive. It's not some idiot flailing off the diving board.

The biggest problem with this type of movies is you just don't like any of the characters.  How can we like people who think it's fun to humiliate others, and have no regard for anyone elses feelings?  Also it really isn't a prank when you're targeting people you want to get even with for something they did, even accidentally.

Star Crystal (1985)

A 2032 Mars expedition walks on the surface of the planet and brings a large rock back to the ship.  They hope to sell the Mars rock for profit, but "According to this rock probe, the rock is full of electronic circuitry."  Um, wouldn't that mean it's not a rock?  Sadly they don't even consider this and learn a lesson the hard way when an alien pops out and cuts off the oxygen supply.

The abandoned ship is brought to a space station, which promptly blows up.  Five survivors managed to board the ship before the explosion. In shock, they realize that they only have three months of food, the ship is not made for long missions, and it will take two years to reach the Earth. Planning to stop at reserve stations along the way to replenish their food, they set about getting the ship ready and assigning duties.

Lt. Billy and Dr. Kimberly both have a bad attitude so it's going to make for a long ride and a long movie.  Capt. Roger is an engineer who knows computers, and since the ship is controlled by a computer, he's in charge. Not everyone is happy with this decision because they aren't very bright.

The layout of the ship is ridiculous.  There are five rooms connected by hallways, and by that I mean little tunnels which you can't stand up in.  It's like they're hamsters.  Also the doors are only 1/2 size so even once you've crawled on hands and knees to the end of the tunnel, the doors aren't high enough to walk through. So you'll need to be stooped over there as well.   It makes no freaking sense.

Soon they realize there is an alien on board because it starts killing the crew.  The alien's name is Gar, which is the sound I made while I shook my fist at the resolution of the movie. Yes, it's the heartwarming story of an alien who eliminates the crew on a spaceship before realizing he has nothing to fear from them so they can all be super good pals forever and ever. Queue schmaltzy music and wacky montage.

Puzzling questions abound - why does the ship warn the oxygen is depleted after the crew is dead? How come when the alert is sounded at the space station, no one moves and with the exception of the five survivors, everyone stands around staring at each other until the station blows up?  Why isn't anyone smart enough to know a sphere full of electronic circuitry is not a rock? Once it cracks open, why do we only see a crystal and some goo, but no electronics?

Death Race 2 (2010)

A crime boss hires Luke to help coordinate a robbery.  But when the guys with him screw it up, Luke ends up killing a policeman.  After a car chase, he is caught and sent to jail, where he becomes the protector of Lists, a nervous nerdy kid. Why was Lists sent here?  Everyone else is a hardened criminal that could bash your face in with a rock, while Lists is the pasty kid who plays Dragons and Dungeons with his nerd friends on a Saturday night.  Seems like he got a raw deal.

The prison broadcasts pay per view events called death matches, where caged prisoners fight to the death.  But when a riot breaks out, the warden pulls the plug.  The announcer comes up with an idea for Death Races, a three day event with the prize being a release.

The crime boss is afraid Luke will talk at some point, and puts out the word that he'll pay a bounty to anyone who can kill Luke.  Most of the other cars in the race are trying to take him out.  So when Luke burns up in his car, everyone thinks he's dead. But then the mysterious Frankenstein shows up to race like no one has ever raced before.  Mediocre at best.

Wiseguys vs. Zombies (2003)

When a shipment of drugs disappears, Mr. Delbrone sends two goons to retrieve them and kill the thieves.  The thugs, Gus and Freddy Six Times, spend a long time beating some poor guy to get info on where the thieves are hiding.  Gus has a penchant for long boring sililoquies which made me hope he would be the first zombie victim, but to no avail.

Gus and Freddy get the drugs, kill the thieves, and put their bodies in the trunk of the car.  When they end up in a small town, Gus insults the gas station attendant and in turn the Sheriff decides to hand out some Southern justice.

As Freddy tries to smooth over the situation, hothead Gus launches into another obnoxious tirade which causes the Sheriff to impound their car.  When a banging is heard from the trunk, the Sheriff pops the latch and finds zombies who start roaming the town chomping on everyone they can get their hands on.

Turns out the drugs make people into zombies with peanut butter on their faces. Yup, it appears the zombie makeup is peanut butter and grease paint.  There are zombies with blood spurting from their heads as if from a faucet, but it's not as cool as it sounds because this movie is totally freaking awful.  Don't waste your time.  I'm not sure why I did.

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

I'm going to puke and I blame the Blair Witch.  If you're going to do a found footage movie, at least try to make it non-nausea inducing.

The Benson family gets a good deal on a house because it's the freakin' Amityville murder house. At the end of the walk through, the realtor dies which wigs out Mom, but Dad thinks its fine. Coincidence.  Then a mover drops dead while they're moving in, but Dad doesn't think that's a big deal either.

Tyler, the son, wants to be a filmmaker so his video camera is always on. Unfortunately he knows nothing about camera work, and doesn't seem to care. So  we are left with shaky, swinging shots that are not only annoying but literally sickening.

When they keep finding the back door open at night, the parents blame their difficult teenage daughter, who denies it's her.  So Dad installs security cameras all over the house. But next time the door opens up and the alarm goes off, he doesn't bother to check the video to see what caused it.  In fact, when the alarm goes off, he doesn't even bother to shut it off. His neighbors must love him.  Instead of looking at the security footage, Dad says the alarm must have scared off whoever opened the door.  Well, why not see who it was?

Film purports to be real footage,  but hopefully viewers are too smart for that. It's no secret that the family dies.  Not only does the cover tells us this, but it's pretty much a given with found footage movies.  So the family annoys us and are completely wiped out in five days. You'd think people would be a little more careful about moving into a house with this history.  But no, I'm sure another movie will be coming down the road with another idiot family that thinks they can last more than five days in the multiple murder house.  One murder?  It's the guy. Every family murdered?  Burn the house.

Slithis (1978)

aka Spawn of the Slithis

High school journalism teacher Wayne Connors becomes interested in a series of mutilation killings, which started with dogs and have progressed to humans.  When he hears a news report of an old couple killed in their home near the canal,  Wayne goes there to investigate.

When a cop shows up, Wayne questions him about the mud in the living room, but the cops don't think it's relevant. Wayne collects a sample which he sends to his friend Dr. John. John discovers it's organic mud which takes on the characteristics of whatever it absorbs. He knows of a previous study of silt exposed to radioactivity via a leak at a nuclear plant and the organic compound was named Slithis.

Police dismiss Wayne's theory of a giant killer slime creature because... well, it sounds insane.  They're leaning towards the theory of a mutilation cult, and let's face it, almost anything sounds better than a radioactive mud monster.

To prove his theory, Wayne and Dr. John shut off the towns Locks once the tide goes out.  Their earlier dive near the nuclear plant revealed there were no fish in the area. They believe Slithis is killing for  nourishment. So they're going to cut off it's access to the canals. Good idea. Too bad they didn't think far enough ahead to realize Slithis would need to find another food source and start attacking people in the marina.  Nice job, Wayne.  You're now responsible for peoples deaths.

Oh Slithis... the pacing is typical of a slow 70's movie.  It is more dialogue based than kill based, and there is no gore.  It's an old fashioned monster movie and I like it, even though it can be boring at times.  If I'd seen this as a kid, it would have creeped me out, but now it's kind of amusing.  There are also cool shots of 1970s Venice, CA.

"...the smell of fear hangs like a stench over the canals." - radio news broadcast

Act-ing!

Oh yeah, derelicts love a guy in a panama hat. 

Disco ball in your living room? Must be the 70's.

I had no idea turtle races were popular at nightclubs.

Only in the 70's could a man wear high waisted pink pants.

The way to a woman's heart? An 8x10 glossy of your
bad self on the coffee table framed by two candles.

The Slithis attacks and the 8x10 glossy has been replaced
with a black and white drawing - WHY!!!????

Wolf Town (2010)

Kyle uses the pretense of going to an isolated ghost town with a friend to try to get close to a girl he likes.  But when she shows up, she has her boyfriend in tow which totally blows Kyle's plans.

After they arrive at the ghost town, Kyle thinks he sees a wolf, but no one believes him.  Kind of odd since they're in the middle of nowhere so it's not inconceivable that wolves would be in the area.  But I guess it makes it convenient for a surprise wolf attack - surprise to the characters, not us.

So that's about it. Some kids stuck in a ghost town with no cell reception and wolves on the attack.  But it's not very exciting.  The wolves are real, rather than cgi, but they look cute and old instead of young and menacing.

I have a problem with Kyle driving his fancy convertible on dirt roads, as well as leaving the top down.  Just because you're in the middle of nowhere doesn't mean there isn't someone around, or that someone might show up, or that a bear might use it as a toilet.  The top down does figure into it as the wolves steal their knapsacks and disable their car. Okay, they didn't but I was really hoping they would. So there's the twist.

Also what is up with this girl Kyle likes?  First she wears a short skirt to explore an old ghost town. How about thinking about safety rather than fashion?  Second, she invites someone else to go with them, but doesn't check with the person driving to see if it's okay or even if there's room.

If someone invites you somewhere in their car, usually you ask if it's okay to invite someone else. You don't just bring someone with you. Damn it, that's just rude!

Red State (2011)

Depressing movie about a church who protest funerals, murder homosexuals, and place online sex ads to entrap sinners so they can kill them. I've seen a lot of positive reviews of this, but I couldn't get through it, even though I like Micheal Parks.

The Divide (2011)

When New York City is decimated, eight survivors take refuge in the basement of their apartment building and hope for rescue.  Soon they are facing armed intruders in hazmat suits and the prospect that help may not be coming.

The stress of being trapped together, a dwindling ration of supplies, and a feeling of hopelessness brings out the worst in some and causes others to crack.  They split into two groups, which could essentially be described as those who have lost their humanity and those who endeavor to retain it.  The film is dialogue based with little action, and the movie is depressing and unsettling.  Needless to say I did not enjoy it.

Season of the Witch (2011)

In the 14th century, Behman and Felson are warriors for the medieval church who decide to desert after they are ordered to kill a town full of people, including the women and children.  They stop in the first town they arrive in to get supplies and refresh their horses.  But they are arrested when the design on the hilt of their swords reveal they are Templars.

The two are tasked with transporting a witch to an isolated abbey for a trial. The witch is blamed for causing a plague that's running rampant, as plagues are known to do.  The monks at the abbey have a book filled with rituals that can destroy the witch and her power.

Behman and Felson take on the task, as they have no other choice. But since they are soft hearted regarding women and children, they insist that she be treated fairly.  It's the wise cracking knight,  feel good, witch movie of the season.

Slayer (2006)

Oh boy, is that the best they could do for the cover?  This does not bode well.

Hawk, the head of an elite military squad is sent to South Africa to fight vampires.  But to complicate things, his ex-wife Dr. Laurie Williams is in the area doing research. Uh oh.

The main problem I see is not the romantic entanglement, but that Hawk and his crew are the worst vampire hunters ever.  People repeatedly go into the woods, meet vampires and get killed.  They have a book on vampires, but still don't realize that they need to kill them with stakes, not bullets. Good god.

You will get no satisfaction from this film with it's capitalist/corporate greed message which is put forth by the vampires as their attacks are due to the loss of the rain forest and animals that live in there which they need to survive. Vampires for ecology? Come on!

Deep in the Woods (2000)

A group of actors heads to an isolated mansion in the woods for a performance.  When they arrive, they discover that the audience will consist of only their millionaire host and his super creepy young son.

The actors enjoy their hosts hospitality, even though he's a little odd, his butler is sketchy, and his kid stares and never says a word.

The police show up and ask if they've seen anyone in the woods.  There's a murderer on the loose and he may be in the area.  The group laughs it off.  When he leaves, they run outside to roam the woods at night.  People get separated, some purposely disappear to be together, and others wander back to the house on their own, which is when the first murder occurs.

Once the murder is discovered, they try to locate all their friends so that they can leave. When their car won't start, they realize they are trapped at the mansion. But they aren't sure who the murderer is, and whether it's the escaped lunatic, someone in the home, or maybe even one of them.

This is an okay film, but the ending wasn't very satisfying.

Policewomen (1974)

Lacey Bond is a policewoman in a man's world.  After single handedly foiling a major jailbreak, Lacey is recruited to work undercover.  But first she's going to have to prove that she can do such manly things as target shoot, drive a car, and do martial arts.  Things a woman obviously can't do.  Oh stupid woman, how will you ever survive without a man leading the way?

After a series of tests, the three men are split on their opinion.  One was very impressed with Lacey.  Another is on the fence because she's a woman.  The last is convinced that when faced with adversity, the little lady will surely break a heel, meltdown in a fit of tears and go back to the kitchen where she belongs.

Lacey spends much of the film being overly sarcastic to anyone who says she's not qualified for the job or suggests shes a woman.  The men spend much of the film speaking condescendingly to Lacey and trying to put the little lady in her place, which  apparently should be helpless and subservient to man.

Lacey is paired up with a male partner to do some undercover work.  They are to go to Catalina, pose as a vacationing couple, and get information on a drug shipment.  But they spend most of their time by the pool and in the hotel.  Also her partner grosses all of us out by keeping his wallet down the front of his swim trunks, yuck.

The two turn out to be lousy spies as they end up following drug lord Maud and her all girl gang out into the ocean where there is supposed to be a drug pick up.  Here's a tip - if you can tell one of the girls is someone you previously busted, then she'll probably be able to see and recognize you as well.

Ridiculously after they board Maud's boat, the male partner is beaten up. Luckily Lacey beats up everyone else and makes sure the gang gets arrested.  Then she sails Maud's boat back to the marina, claiming she found it adrift.  Yes, nothing odd about that.  It's certainly not unusual to be swimming out in commercial fishing lanes in the middle of the ocean.

Later Lacey manages to infiltrate the gang after being suspected of working for the police. But before this, she lets them beat the hell out of her and threaten to kill her  and never tries to defend herself.  Yet she's a martial arts expert that can take down a huge man.

Watch for the Gold Smuggling scene where the girls pretend the gold painted bricks they are unloading are actually heavy gold.  One girl  carries the brick all hunched over with her arms handing down by her knees. Yes, that certainly convinced me that you're carrying real gold.

I think this may be a TV edit as the words god damn were removed from the film. Also I had read there was a scene with male nudity, but there wasn't any in the version I saw.

I actually enjoyed this one, although it was slow at times.  But the 1970s fashion and ridiculous sexism were laughable.

Bear (2010)

In a cliche ridden first act, we see our unlikable characters take a short cut down a dirt road, drive recklessly, get a flat tire, discover there is no cell reception, and meet a giant bear who fixes their tire with a wink and a smile.  Well, I was hoping the last thing would happen, but I was not so lucky.

Instead we get some of the stupidest actions ever by characters on a deserted road in the middle of the night.  When one of them hears a rustling in the woods, she walks closer to see what it is.  Damn it, woman!  It's the middle of nowhere. It's woods. It's dark. It's either a wild animal or a cannibalistic hillbilly, and either way, you don't want to meet it.

So do her friends give her practical advice?  No, they all tramp even closer to the rustling sounds in the dark woods.  And look, it's a bear... a giant bear.  Again, do they do what normal people would do, such as run back to the van, or slowly back up to the van in hopes that they can get inside before being mauled?  Nope, that would make too much sense.  While everyone stands there, one guy runs back to the van, and returns with a gun which he proceeds to shoot again and again and again, until he's out of ammo and the bear is in a bloody heap.

What next, you say?  Well what else except a bigger angry bear shows up.  So everyone decides to run to the car, except for the guy who decides it would be a good idea to hide behind a tree to distract the bear from his friends.  Then he climbs the tree. Aaarrgggh!! Do you not know bears can climb trees?!

His friends in the van drive straight into the tree to rescue him. What?! Why not stop right before you hit it?  Why smash into it?  And when he jumps on the roof of the van, why not drive off?  So what we've got now is the guy on the roof vs the bear, who promptly tips over the van. They all manage to stay alive and then one girls starts fussing over the cake they have.   When they eventually right the van, it won't start.  So they work on the engine, talk loudly, and ignore their surroundings. Sounds like a plan.

This movie is a lot of talking and not so much bear.  The bear looks sad and the characters are idiots, so we couldn't take it anymore and stopped watching this mess.

Fever Lake (1996)

Albert invites his friends to a cottage on Fever Lake for the weekend.  The guys and girls are traveling separately and make plans to meet at the local diner.

The girls arrive first, head inside to get food ,and are met with stony stares and silence from the town folk.  The only friendly face is a teenage waitress who warns them not to go to Fever Lake because bad things happen there, what with the murders and the men whose eyes glow.

Meanwhile the whitest Native American in the land tells the Sheriff that evil is coming, but the Sheriff can't be bothered with that type of nonsense.

Cars die and later start working again, wolves wander through wooded areas while the characters fleeing in obviously different locations, and our friendly waitress dies... somehow.  It's a bit vague since all we see is her flailing around in an old campfire pit and a little bit of blood on her face.

When I saw the stupid looking face on the cover, I had no interest in watching this.  Then I noticed Corey Haim's name, and was surprised that he'd done a horror movie.  There's a lot of talking in this movie, but not a lot of killing.  The kids do stupid things and the outcast girl is the stupidest of all.  It doesn't really have any momentum to keep it going, and the last shot of Corey is not the big twist you can tell they thought it was.

Frozen Terror (1980)

While Jane runs off for a secret tryst with Fred, her daughter drowns her younger brother in the bathtub.  When Jane is apprised of the supposed accident, she and Fred rush home.  But in their haste, they go off the road and Fred is decapitated in the crash.

Jane is put in an asylum as she is understandably devastated by the loss of both her lover and son on the same day.  No one has caught on that the drowning was actually murder, so Jane's daughter is free to psychotically roam free.

When Jane is released, she takes up residence in the apartment where she and Fred used to meet for their trysts.  The landlord Robert is interested in Jane. She says she's not available, but that doesn't stop her from leading him on whenever she gets the chance.

Robert is blind. He never hears anyone else come to visit Jane.  Yet he seems to hear the sounds of sex coming from her apartment.  Robert tries to figure out what is going on, why Jane keeps her freezer locked, and who Jane is seeing, and the film gets creepier and more disturbing.

Watch Me (2006)

Watch you? Don't tell me what to do. You're boring and not at all what I expected. Let's try having a description that matches your content, okay?

A chain letter is sent via email. If you watch the snuff film attached, a girl will appear out of nowhere and kill you.  All Tesa's friends die after receiving the video and watching it. Tesa doesn't have a copy of the video so she contacts a freaky student in her class who ties her up and tapes her eyes open, forcing her to watch the film to find out if the legend is true.  Um, how about looking to the side?  He can't stop your eyeballs from rolling around in their sockets.

There's a reason this movie is on a $5 compilation.  The best part of the film is that everyone has a modem and it would take forever to download the movie.

Roll Bounce (2005)

After their local roller skating rink closes, Xavier (known as X) and his friends go uptown to Sweetwater Roller Rink and enter a competition to win a $500 grand prixe.  The box description makes it sound like it's Electric Boogalo on skates.

Oh yeah, that's right. We've got a skate off!  The kids are going to skate against their idol, Sweetness, who turns out to be kind of an ass.

This movie has a ton of cliches.  There's a dead mother, an unemployed father, an ignored son, a sassy little sister, a father who pretends to go to work so his kids won't worry that he lost his job, a sexy new neighbor, the father starts dating and keeps it from the kids, the underdog skaters from the poor side of town vs. the king of the roller rink in his fancy duds, etc.  You can probably guess every twist and turn in this movie.

Yet for some reason, I'm a sucker for roller skating movies.  I don't know if there's ever been a good one. Usually they follow the same old cliched story lines of a skate off, kids against authority figures who are trying to close down the rink, and/or rival teams talking smack about each other.  Hurrah!

Rubber (2010)

A killer tire with psychokinetic powers causes people's heads to explode for no discernable reason.  I kept hoping the tire would launch itself onto a someone or into a crowd, but to no avail.

There is a group of onlookers watching the carnage with a tour guide, and some great dialogue by a Sheriff who explains that sometimes things happen for no reason.  The Sheriff provides some great examples of things that happen without reason in classic films.

I wanted to like this.  It had a clever beginning, but bogged down as it went along.  Great idea though.

Brain Damage (1988)

Wow, this is one odd little movie.  Brian isn't feeling well.  So he cancels a date with his girlfriend and goes to bed early.  When he wakes up, he finds a pool of blood on his bed and a wound in the back of his neck.  He also feels like someone is watching him and soon discovers it's Elmer the Aylmer, a little alien monster who is phallic in appearance and speaks with the voice of horror host Zacherle.

Turns out Elmer has been living with the people in the upstairs apartment who have been feeding him cow brains so they can control him.

When Elmer injects Brian's brain with a blue liquid via the hole in his neck, Brian starts hallucinating, sees colors, and has a euphoric high.  This also anesthetizes him so that he doesn't remember what Elmer has done while they're out.

With Brian as a source of transportation, Elmer starts searching for human brains to eat so he can restore his power.  Brian's fine with that as long as Elmer gives him a blast of brain juice.  Brian is addicted after one hit and enjoys the high. Plus he doesn't want any rememberance of Elmer attaching himself to some poor girls forehead and consuming her brain while she screams and flails in vain.

There is one scene in which Brian's pulling bloody gunk out of his ear, and his ear falls off. This starts a deluge of blood that is impressive.

This is a pretty cool movie overall.  Watch for The Swimming Pool Q's performing in the club scene.

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

Bartender Eddie and drunk Tom are in the bar on Christmas eve when a man walks in covered in blood.  While he uses the restroom to clean up, Eddie calls the police who ask them to keep the guy there until they arrive.

The man turns out to be a janitor from the college. While he has a drink, he tells them about cadavers coming to life at the college.

When the local policeman, Sam Sheriff, arrives he doesn't believe a word of this, even though there are a few zombies outside in the parking lot.

After handcuffing the zombies together inside the bar, everyone gets in Sam's car to go to the college.  The janitor wants to make sure the cadavers are contained, and Sam wants to know whats really going on.

Once at the college, they are joined by a security person, and head off to the office of a professor that the janitor saw working late in the science lab. Hopefully he'll have an idea of what is going on.

We've got lots of intentional cliches here - people separate when they should stick together, no one believes the guy who really knows what's going on, a scientist doing strange experiments to cure the disease that killed his wife, an experiment going wrong, an inept sheriff, a town drunk, etc.

I like zombie flicks and holiday horror flicks, and overall, this was a good one. At first I found the cliched characters a bit annoying. Sometimes the comedy fall flat and there are times the dialogue will make you cringe at bit.  But as the movie went on, those things all worked themselves out and it works.  I ended up really enjoying this.

Rare Exports (2010)

Pietari and his friend Juuso sneak across the border from Finland to Russia to spy on an excavation project. Under the ruse of drilling, the crew is trying to find a rumored burial chamber in the mountain.  But when they reach it, they find there is something alive in there.

When Pietari and Juuso's fathers go on their annual reindeer hunt, they find the herd have been killed, which they blame on wolves displaced by the blasting.  But Pietari suspects something else is going on. He has seen footprints in the snow outside his window and now there's a bloody human footprint under a dead reindeer carcass.

Pietari has been reading up on Scandinavian folk tales which say  that Santa Claus is actually a scary guy.  So he is suspicious when strange things start to happen in town.  Children are disappearing and creepy dolls are left in their beds.  All the radiators in town are stolen.  Then Pietari's father finds a man in his wolf pit who appears to be dead. But he seems to come to life whenever he smells gingerbread or children are around. Never has a frail old man been so menacing.

I really liked this movie.  It has a creepy atmosphere, (so if you're looking for gore, this is not the film for you.)  The kid who plays Pietari goes a great job. His character figures out what is going on long before the adults, and of course the adults do not believe him.  There is some dark humor and the film is well shot, which is a nice change from a lot of the crap films I sit through.  I saw this last year with some friends and then watched it this year with others, and it's been unanimous - everyone really liked it.

Here's the trailer if you're curious.  It couldn't be smaller than this size as you need to be able to see the subtitles.

Deadly Little Christmas (2009)

When will parents learn that you should never get freaky while dressed like Santa?  Little Devin witnesses Santa and the maid getting busy. Next thing you know, they're both dead and Devin is on the front lawn with a bloody knife in his hand and a dazed look in his eyes.

Fifteen years later, Devin is still locked in a sanitarium and is not impressed with Mom's visit to bring him his Christmas presents, since it can't help remind him of killing Santa and all that. But Mom's not having any of his shenanigans and yells that she put him in there to get well. Say what now?  Were the police not involved in his incarceration?

Back at the family home, Devin's sisters Taylor and Noelle bicker about Devin and how Mom hasn't really talked about him since the murders.   Noelle wants to continue to ignore this issue or confront Mom.  You see, the writing isn't always consistent so it gets confusing.

• Noelle: "If it weren't for Mom, you would have done what I did - block it out so you can get on with your life."

• Taylor: "We need to confront Mom about this."
• Noelle: "No kidding! I've been telling you about this since High School." (She only graduated a few months earlier).

When Devin escapes from the asylum, the family isn't notified until the next day.  The asylum claim their protocol is to call the cops. But the cops are practically useless as they theorize Devin is probably curled up in a ball sleeping and totally harmless.

We run into some continuity problems as Devin is seen at the family home, then back in the Asylum basement slashing some orderlies... and now back at home again watching his younger sister.  It's just not possible for him to teleport like that.

Meanwhile Taylor is producing a play at the community theater (oh yes!) and Noelle is one of the leads.  Their rehearsal is in two hours, but only two of the four actors show up to rehearsal.  Apparently the play consists of a total of four actors and no crew. But Taylor doesn't seem to notice that half her cast is missing, and never figures out they've been murdered.

When the play is performed, there are only eight people in the audience, which includes the cop investigating Devin's escape, Taylor, and some guy who was working on the stage.  The missing two actors are never mentioned.   Why such a low turnout?  They comment on how the play is a total success. Really?  Maybe turnout is low because the play is on Christmas Eve.  Did they not promote it?  Is that just a bad day for a play, what with church services or family parties?  Would a community theater really hold a play on Christmas eve?

This movie does give us one of the most ridiculous murder scenes ever when a guy is murdered with an obviously collapsible knife and overacts the hell out of his death scene.

Also we get brilliant lines like:

• I keep having to tell you to calm down. I don't want to keep having to tell you to calm down.

Felissa Rose, famed lead from Sleepaway Camp, is the mother in this film.  I'm rooting for her, but boy she was as bad as the rest of the cast.

This movie is far better than Christmas Massacre, Psycho Santa, and Satan Claus.  But those were so bad, that isn't saying much.  At least this one has lighting and the acting is so over the top that its pretty funny in places. Plus the dialogue is ridiculous rather than just plain lame. Still, not recommended.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)

If you missed the first movie, don't worry. There's at least thirty minutes of it repeated in the first part of the second movie, including all the kills, nudity, orphans, and mean nuns that you can handle.

Ricky, younger brother of the hulking Billy from the first movie, tells the story via flashback.  Ricky, locked in an asylum,  is being interviewed by his thirteenth psychiatrist.  I'm not sure what happened to all the others. But I damn well know you shouldn't leave a big musclebound insane man locked in a room with a whisper thin, milquetoast psychiatrist.

After our recap of the first flick, we discover that after Billy's death, Ricky was adopted by a nice Jewish couple, (you see, to avoid the whole Christmas issue).  So far so good. But if you go out on the street, you can't avoid Santa, nuns, the color red, or the fact that his brother Santa Billy was killed in front of Ricky's very eyes.  Yeah, I don't think things are going to work out so well for poor Ricky.

As an adult, Ricky is a big buff guy who can't act his way out of a paper bag, but that's part of the enjoyment of this movie.  How did this guy get the role?  I suppose he's able to squint and look evil, and he's got big muscles, but the acting, yikes!  Mostly Ricky serves up his brand of psycho justice to those who are naughty, and a few other poor souls who get caught in his way.  Plus he laughs, oh how he laughs, in an extremely fake, awkward way that made me giggle.

Airborne (2012)

With a storm rolling in, the last flight takes off from the airport.  The huge plane only has about fifteen passengers so when people start disappearing, it is obvious.  The stewardess doesn't seem to take the missing passengers seriously, or  show concern when the Doctor questions why the plane is altering course.  When they discover the pilots have been murdered, it's all out panic to figure out what is going on and who is killing people.

Mark Hamill plays Malcolm, head of the control booth.  It's his last night on the job.  That doesn't bode well, does it?  Hamill seems to veer in and out of a questionable British accent.  He has it in some scenes and not in others.  Maybe they told him to stop trying.

Nothing special about this one.

Buried Alive (2007)

A few friends take two college pledges to an isolated ranch for a sorority initiation.  The creepy caretaker tells them not to go in the subbasement, but they go in anyway and find he's been digging down there.

One of the guys decides the caretaker must be searching for the treasure that was rumored to be buried with one of their ancestors first wives, a Native American who was buried alive.  Yeah, not something I'd really want to be digging up. Plus why would they bury treasure with someone they killed?  Think, people, think!

There is a creepy incestuous relationship between one of the girls and her cousin, and as in most cases of sorority hazing, the pledge master is not likable.

The movie is not very interesting and you won't care about the characters. But I did enjoy the effect of the guy cut in half (although everything inside his body stays in place), and the guy who gets his face sliced off.  Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't say enjoy, I just liked the effects.

Psycho Santa (2003)

This is one of those films that isn't really even a movie.  It's a couple of ideas for a short film padded with mundane actions and a lack of dialogue.

This anthology is held together by Ron and Jess, a bickering couple on the way to a Christmas party.  Ron hates Christmas, and notices "... we're heading up to where that whole Santa incident happened."  I'm thinking he's going to lay down some traumatic tale about a holiday tragedy he experienced. Instead he tells us stories of things that happened to strangers, which never explains his dislike of the holiday.

The stories are told via flashback.  Ron tells us the first one involves "three girls... who meet at this cabin... every Christmas... sort of like a tradition."  Uhhhh, sort of?  Wouldn't a repeated annual gathering be the very definition of a tradition?

Every year the girls have a slumber party on Christmas Eve at a remote cabin.  After lots of footage of driving and awkward staring out the windows, two girls arrive at the cabin, but find it empty. When they see presents under the tree with Sarah's name on them, they assume Sarah has gone out.  So does Sarah usually only bring presents for herself?  Because I'm thinking that's odd.

As they wait for Sarah to return,  we see them talk, sit, shower, look for rocks, sit awkwardly in lingerie, and dance. They also play a game where you write your name on a rock and throw it into the fire.  The next morning if your rock is gone, it means you'll die within the year.  Whaaat??  Oh hell no, I am not playing that game.  What sort of Christmas game is that?

When the story is over, we cut back to Ron and Jess.  At this point, it occurs to me Ron just told Jess everything we just watched.  So he described everything they did in mundane detail?  Because that dancing scene alone was five minutes long and can best be summed up by saying a stripper dances while wearing lingerie and a Santa hat ,while an older woman in lingerie sits on the couch and stares at her.  So... that was probably ten seconds of dialogue but it was five padded minutes of film.  Aaarrggh!  A perfect example of having an idea, but not enough of an idea to make a movie.

Oh and we never see the killer or any of the girls get killed. How do you like them apples? Onto the next killer Santa segment... with less killing and less Santa than ever before!

Yes, it's more padding and no dialogue in this next segment where robbers break into a house to rob a safe.  Again, please realize that I have summed up in one sentence what took five or ten minutes to watch.

Even though no one is home, there are lights on.  While the robbers are digging through the safe, a woman appears and goes into the bathroom.  Then she heads out into the kitchen.  How can she not notice the robbers?  She's blind!  Of course, she is. And how do we know she's blind?  The confirmation is a white cane leaning against the kitchen wall - which is actually sticking out into the floor space at a dangerous angle and should trip our little blind friend.... wait a minute, if she's blind, then why are the lights on?

Apparently your other senses don't get better when one doesn't work, as she doesn't hear our robbers following her around.  But we do get to see the blind woman make coffee, so that's... no, that's nothing but padding.

Then for some inexplicable reason, the robbers kill her.  So do they run away so they won't get caught for the robbery and murder?  No!  They decide to investigate the odd noises coming from the other end of the house. Really? Why? What if it's another blind chick or a deaf guy?

They discover a padlocked door and decide to open it.  Come on!  You've just robbed a safe and murdered a blind woman, but you've just got to know what's making that weird noise?  Too bad for them it's a nut job psycho locked in a closet.  Apparently he's used to be in the "Asylum for the Dangerous Insane" and you know how difficult they are to deal with.

And now they're not even trying as we get even shorter segments where we watch a girl read, a goth kid smoke and a little kid playing piano. Good thing we saw these in detail before they each gets killed by Santa. And hurrah for piano boys mother who gets slashed, drags herself to phone, pulls the cord out of wall, drags herself to wall to plug it in and dies. Come on!  Are you kidding me?  You don't have a movie, just padding to fill out time.

The last segment is a young couple whose car breaks down, walks randomly through the woods to find help, and ends up being chased by a junkyard Santa.  Serves them right for visiting a junkyard Santa.

It's almost like there was no script, just a couple ideas.  Oh let's just pad this out with people doing things. We don't need any dialogue.  Good god....

This is exactly how you'll feel while watching this movie.

Guess which one takes a shower?

Is that her hat or is it her hair?

Yup, this scene totally screams Christmas Eve.
And who wears pants that are slit up the side?

Nothing awkward about that posture.

What a great tradition.

Bigfoot (2012)

Harley (played by Danny Bonaduce aka Danny Partridge) and Simon (played by Barry Williams aka Greg Brady) used to be in a band in the 80s, but had a falling out.  Currently Harley is a DJ who is putting on an 80's rock festival in the woods.  But first they need to cut down a bunch of trees in Deadwood, South Dakota to make room for the crowd.

Simon has become a tree hugging environmentalist, who shows up at the concert site with his harem in tow. In an effort to stop the destruction, they chain themselves to the bulldozers.

But Harley has an in with the mayor and shuts down Simon's protest.  He also offers Simon a spot in the show as he figures that will keep Simon from trying to disrupt things on the day of the concert.  Too bad Simon chose to do acoustic environmental ballads rather than songs from the old band that the crowd (such as it is) want to hear.

When Alice Cooper takes the stage, the loud rocknroll disturbs our sleeping CGI Bigfoot, who goes on a rampage.  You haven't seen anything until you've seen Alice crushed under a CGI Bigfoot foot.

With Bigfoot on the loose leaving a trail of carnage in his wake, Harley decides to kill the beast and calls in a favor with the best hunter in the world.  On the other hand, Simon wants to save the poor, fragile, giant, killing machine. He believes he can commune with nature, including Bigfoot, and the poor critter just needs to get his forest back.

The rest of the film involves Bigfoot chasing cars and stepping on people, while everyone tries to either  kill him or save him.  This is a typical Asylum film, with a good premise but tedious execution.

The Telling (2009)

Horribly nasty sorority girls make three pledges tell scary stories, then humiliate them, which is what ties the segments of this anthology together.

The three stories are:

1. Killer doll - enough said
2. Thirty year old has-been actress finally gets a role, but doesn't realize the real purpose of the film she's in
3. Sorority girls make prank call, hear a murder, and are afraid the killer will track them down.  They are idiots, especially the girl who finds her roommates dead and locks herself inside the house.

I'm not a fan of anthologies, and this one didn't change my opinion of them.

Jason X (2001)

After escaping from captivity, Jason kills everyone he can, except for a scientist who cryogenically freezes him and unfortunately herself.  Forty years later, an exploration team finds them intact and brings them both onto the ship in an attempt to reanimate them. Oh no, not a good idea space cadets, because while the team is busy working on the woman scientist, Jason reanimates on his own and starts killing everyone.  It's Jason in space!

The Entitled (2011)

Paul is unable to line up a job in his career field, so he works as a bike messenger.  His mother is ill and although his dad works, they do not have insurance.  His family can't afford to buy medication for his mother and their house is under foreclosure.

So Paul devises a plan to kidnap the children of three wealthy men and demand a ransom.  He enlists two misfits from college to help with his plan, but his accomplices turn out to be loose canons who are unable to follow directions or control their emotions.

When this showed up,  I had no recollection of putting it in my queue.  There is a twist at the end that I didn't see coming, but there is also something that doesn't make any sense.  Overall it was okay, but nothing special.  It does have Ray Liotta and Stephen McHattie though and they are both good.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Billy has not had a great life.  As a small child, he witnessed his parents murders by a man dressed up as Santa Claus.  Then he and little brother Ricky end up in an orphanage run by a cruel nun overlord, who thinks its a good idea to make Billy sit on Santa's lap.  Yes, nothing like facing your fears by being forcibly dragged to the source of your trauma.

Billy grows up to be a strapping young lad who can lift boxes and move heavy things from here to there.  So the kind, supportive, well meaning, but temporarily brain dead nun at the orphanage helps Billy get a job... at a toy store. Oh damn, that doesn't seem like the best idea.

While Billy was a model employee, the holiday season makes him ill at ease, what with Santa seeing kids in the front of the store. Luckily Billy spends most of his time in the stock room. Well at least he does until the temp playing Santa hurts himself and Billy gets drafted as the new Santa.  As is expected with Santa trauma, Billy eventually starts a-killing adults who he deems naughty.

When this movie came out, parents went crazy.  There were protests at theaters and I believe the film was pulled before it's run was up.  I actually had to walk through a line of protesters to get into the theater.  I can still remember people with protest signs shouting that I shouldn't go into the theater.  The local news even had a feature on the protest.

The acting isn't the greatest, but I still like this movie - except for the mothers death scene.   That really disturbed me when I first saw it and it still isn't something I want to see.

Can't wait to watch Part Two again, which I also saw at the theater.  At the time, I was ticked off that a lot of it was footage from the first movie.  But Rickys horrible, horrible acting won me over.

The Wraith (1986)

Packard Walsh and his teenage gang force kids with cool cars to race for pink slips.  They always win even if they have to cheat.  When Packard discovers that Keri, a girl he wants for himself, is dating high school student Jamie, he and his gang decide to murder Jamie.

When stranger Jake rolls into town on a motorcycle and enrolls in the local high school, he befriends Jamie's brother Billy and charms Keri, who is now dating Packard.  Keri is afraid of Packard as he's a psycho stalker who will beat up anyone who talks to her.  When Billy gives her a ride home after work, he pummels Billy to teach him a lesson.

For reasons never explained, the Sheriff doesn't do anything about Packard's gang.  So there are some happy people in town when a mysterious car and driver arrive on the scene, start drag racing the gang, and the gang involved with Jamie's murder start having accidents.

I saw this movie years ago and didn't like it.  But recently my friends forced me to watch it again, ignoring my protests of hatred, and I actually thought it was okay.

The movie features Charlie Sheen before he was old and crazy.