Jack Frost (2022)

Aka Curse of Jack Frost

Pepper’s family has never celebrated Christmas due to something that happened to her grandmother when she was a teen.  But this year her cousin Laura is coming to stay and her parents decided to have a tree  for the first time.  Her grandmother fears something bad will happen, but her mother says it’s only one night.

Pepper doesn’t like Laura.  Grandmother and mom argue about the trauma of the holiday. Mom tells dad about her childhood full of paranoia and self defense lessons.  Dad’s finds the neighbor annoying, and Peppers friends are not that keen on Laura. It’s basically a lot of drama with an occasional killer in a rubber mask whose mouth doesn’t move when he talks. 

A few questions: If they don’t celebrate Christmas, why do they have a tree in the basement? Where and how does Jack purchase the preprinted cards he leaves on peoples doorsteps? And why does he bother? When did Laura have time to start reading grandma’s book since it was with grandma and then Pepper? And why would she bring the book to a party? Why do none of the actresses seem to be in the correct age range based on the info provided in the dialogue? 

It’s snowing but only in the background

Jack Frost in his blue collar work clothes

The Killing Tree (2022)

Aka Demonic Christmas Tree

Morrigan wants revenge for the execution of her serial killer husband Clayton. So she does a ritual to bring his spirit back from the dead.  But somethings goes wrong and his spirit ends up in a Christmas tree.

Meanwhile Faith is having a Christmas party at the mansion where Clayton murdered her parents. It’s only been a year so how did Clayton get convicted and executed already? And where is this movie supposed to take place?  It can’t be the US because legal proceedings drag on for years, and even once convicted you can spend decades on death row. Also it can’t be the UK - even though everyone has English accents - because they abolished the death penalty years ago.

Faith’s friends aren’t the best. Louisa uses dating apps as a way to earn money from meeting up men, and urges Faith to do it as well. She equates earning money to Faith’s clock ticking, two things which have no connection. She also pours Faith a glass of wine as big as her head and relentlessly pressures her to drink it, stating she must consume it all and going so far as to push the bottom of the glass up while Faith is drinking.

Then there’s Cindy, who makes Louisa look great by comparison.  Is Cindy even her friend? How did she get invited to this party?  She can’t stand Faith. She says Faith’s milking her parents murders for sympathy and she should just get over it.  She also states Faith is mousey and has negative energy, while maintaining the most negative energy of anyone other than the killer.

Meanwhile Clayton the tree is stumbling around the countryside looking for Faith’s house so he can kill her for getting him convicted.  Although he’s after faith, he’s a serial killer so anyone he meets is going to die. Good thing Faith is having a party.

The tree is a practical effect and it’s amusing seeing it shuffle around, or see feet sticking out occasionally. At other times CGI comes into play when the tree has long arms used for catching people or ripping them apart.  There is a fight the end between the evil tree and a good tree which is all CGI.

This movie is listed as a horror comedy, but there are no laughs.  While the idea of mistakenly putting a spirit in a tree is humorous, but there’s no humor in the execution. There are multiple scenes where they could have gone for a laugh, but the tree is ranting and growling without any trace of humor.  I’m guessing some of this was supposed to be funny since one genre is comedy, but the actors either don’t realize it or don’t know how to play it.

Ridiculous dialogue

Well your click is ticking. If you ever want to earn any real money, let me know.

Friends they fade away but love is eternal.

I know people ask you to be kind to people after this stuff happens, but I just can’t.

She just goes on and on and on about it… She’s jut milking it for attention.

The practical tree costume with the CGI arms

I’m still not sure why she dressed as a Christmas Cracker

The tree holding a knife. This could have been
funny if they played it correctly.

It’s like they’re in high school where they pressure her to drink

Christmas Twister (2012)

Oh my lord, where to begin.  The cliche characters and situations, or the opening credits where they couldn’t even be bothered to spell the title correctly? According to this movie, we are actually watching  Christams Twister. 

Ethan is a meterologist and professor at the university. His wife Addison is a newscaster.  It’s their anniversary and he’s upset she will be on assignment that night. But to be fair, they’re having marital issues and he never mentioned doing anything until that morning. 

After a tornado nearby, Ethan is called into the lab. As his team looks over the data, he realizes there could be more twisters coming. Since Addison is on the air, he calls asking her to warn the public. But Addison refuses since weatherman Logan just broadcast it’s improving and will be clear. There is also that pesky incident where Ethan predicted a disaster and nothing happened. This resulted in such an uproar, they had to move. We already know how this is going to turn out.

When more twisters spring up, Logan figures it’s his time to shine and goes out in the field. It does not go well for him.  Ethan rushes to pick up his children, but discovers his daughter skipped school to go to the mall. This is another movie in which a character doesn’t provide crucial info needed, such as I’m picking you because there is a tornado. Instead there is some random back and forth with plenty of time to mention the death funnel heading her way before the phone cuts off.

Be prepared for cliche characters such as: sarcastic teen sister; overly enthusiastic intern;  pregnant lady on her last day before maternity leave; arrogant tv personality; someone with an over the top southern accent; a kid who ends up at risk due to helping an old person; and many, many more.  

Cliche situations also abound: marriage trouble; unfounded jealousy; new job offer out of town; main character is the only one who knows what’s going on but isn’t believed; vulnerable characters must be rescued; and an older sibling who treats the younger one poorly. It’s also amusing to see Ethan run up to people outside the mall saying, “have you seen my daughter” since he has no picture of her and none of them know who her.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Ethan - Call me on the CB if you need me

Chloe - CB?

Zack - Yeah, it’s a smart phone without the smart. Or the phone.

They just didn’t care

The railroad that builds their rails using concrete and slats

The least impressive storm photo ever taken

How close can he get to his rear view mirror

Psycho killer or concerned dad?

The oversized glasses on the customer in back are distracting

Logan has a framed photo of himself on his desk

He Knows (2022)

When Christina was ten years old, an intruder killed her father and her step brother disappeared.  There was a paper found in the house labeled naughty list with their names on it. Christina said the killer was Sammy the Elf, but her mother didn’t take her seriously.

In the present day, Christina tells her ten year old daughter Stephanie about Sammy. The story is Santa was sad because he didn’t have children. So the elves made him Sammy, a son who helped Santa deliver gifts.  But when a child or adult ended up on the naughty list, Sammy would punish them. 

Christina’s ex husband Steve is mad at her for not calling.  She’s got blood and an ice pack on her head, but he never asks if she’s okay.  They get into a fight in front of their daughter, who acts like this is a typical exchange.

When Steve takes Stephanie to a cabin for the week, he also brings his questionable girlfriend and a couple druggy friends. It’s not a good idea. His girlfriend threatens Stephanie after getting angry at her. His friends show up with hookers and offer Stephanie a beer. As Sammy starts killing, you won’t care since, other than Stephanie, they all suck.

The movie isn’t cohesive and every character is dysfunctional. I’m not sure if I missed it, but I didn’t see anything after the opening scene stating twenty years had passed. I had no idea Christina was the little girl whose father was killed.  Also I don’t know who the killer was. Am I supposed to recognize him? Did we see him before in the movie? Christina knew him, but his name and face meant nothing to me. Also the Sheriff mentioned Sammy killed people all over town the year Christina’s father died. So why does Christina get eye rolls for mentioning Sammy? And how does she not know it happened to others? Multiple murders at Christmas time would be the talk of the town.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Christina - You know about Sammy the Elf?

Sheriff - Your house isn’t the only one that psycho hit that Christmas. He left his calling card all over town.

Bartender - Get out fat man and don’t come back.

Drunk guy dressed as Santa - Your face is fat, dummy.

The odd looking elves

Why is there paper over the window in the door?

Yeah if I saw Sammy in my house that would freak me out

The neighbor who punches in the code so the weirdo
 can get into the neighborhood

The implement of death which only stays in place if you hold it

There’s an individual list is for each family? How much
paper does Sammy go through?

There’s Snow Escape (2022)

The town of Winfield Massachusetts had a logging boon in the late 1800s due to the efforts of a man named Cliff.  However when he killed his wife for cheating, the townsfolk forced him to leave. The only thing he took with him was the bloody ax. He spent the rest of his life in the woods, but continued to cut logs and send them down the river to town.  It doesn’t make much sense, but that’s what we’re working with here.

In the present, there’s the legend of Cold Hearted Cliff. If you throw a coin into the wishing well and the coin lands on Cliff’s ax at the bottom, you get your wish. Since the blade is facing up, it seems no one is getting a wish.   

The well is on private property and when the owner points a shotgun at a couple and threatens them, the woman drops her bracelet down the well. It lands on the ax, and now she gets her wish. Was her wish to kill everyone?  Well whatever it was, Cliff comes back as a snowman and starts killing everyone.

The potential victims are: a group of men and women celebrating a break up; three women on a camping trip; conspiracy nuts putting up cameras because the government is watching everyone; and the guy who owns the campground and his daughter.  The majority of the characters are annoying, unlikable, idiots, or annoyingly unlikable idiots.  The annoying girl who insists her boyfriend go back to the well to look for her bracelet after they were chased off by a man with a gun is a terrible girlfriend. Don’t risk your life for a bracelet.

There is a lot of padding in the film. There are scenes that go nowhere. Sometimes there is minutes of filler when a short scene could have gotten it across. An example is the bride who is now single walking down the path to throw her gown in the lake.  It was three minutes with no dialogue  where she walked,  looked at the lake, and considered the gown before throwing it in.  We don’t need to see this in real time.

While the acting isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen, the cast doesn’t appear to be actors.  When you’re watching a movie, you shouldn’t notice the acting.  Also the camera work was over the top. Tons of Dutch angles which had no relevance to the scene. There was also constant camera movement, like rolling side to side and moving in and out.

Lastly why were two characters named Phil? One of the hikers kept trying to call her boyfriend Phil who was supposed to meet them. I didn’t know who Phil was. Then the owner of the camp ground was called Phil so I thought that was her boyfriend. But it turned out to be the guy in the beginning who was missing a tooth and cheating on his girlfriend.

The best thing about his movie is they used practical effects for the killer snowman. I’d much rather see a monster suit than CGI.  For small budget films, even if it’s rudimentary, it usually looks better.

Get used to a lot of shots of push pins

It’s like when you’re a kid and you pretend you lost
your arm by putting your arm inside your shirt

The killer snowman

We see the police radio as they call the Sheriff….

…then the Sheriff gets in his car and you realize there is no
police radio in his car when he grabs the heat button on the dash

Krampus: The Return (2022)

Aka Return of Krampus

Lisa wakes up on Christmas to the news her brother has killed himself.  They’d spoken the night before when he’d asked her to come over. It was the twentieth anniversary of their parents death and he believed the thing that killed their parents was coming back for him.  Lisa thought he was nuts and told him she already had plans with her boyfriend Ross.

Lisa, her boyfriend and her friends drive out to the family house, but she isn’t sure how to get there. Once in town, she realizes she’s lost the address.  Thankfully there’s a local prostitute wandering down the rural dirt road and they ask her for directions. Can this small  community really support her business?

The dynamics in the group are odd.  You’d expect everyone to be comforting Lisa since her brother died. But Lisa is comforting Paula because she’s taking it so hard.  Ross is preoccupied with Nikki, who he’s cheating with, and Nikki is positively cheery, other than when she blames Lisa for ruining Christmas. Jane doesn’t say much, but tells Ross and Nikki she won’t tell Lisa about seeing the together because Lisa is going through enough right now.

As if the interpersonal weirdness isn’t enough, Harold wasn’t insane. Lisa thinks she’s seeing things when Krampus shows up but then it chases everyone around the house.  There aren’t many characters you’ll root for to survive.

This is a movie with multiple actresses who can’t fake cry. There is a scene where the crying character cuts to a laughing character. Both sound the same and neither are convincing. Also the ending is bizarre in their attempt to cover up what happened. Surely someone will figure it out, like when the house is sold. 

Ridiculous dialogue 

I just think it’s such a shame. You know, you put so much effort into Christmas and it’s all ruined now.

I don’t know what planet you’d been living on. Planet ignorance it sounds like.

Nikki - You’re unusually chirpy today.

Ross - I figured you know what, with everything going on, I figured I needed to be able to enjoy myself and I deserved some joy this year.

Nikki - You see if you were with me you wouldn’t need to deal with this drama.

Ross - You don’t know the half of it.

If she’s comfortable keeping secrets from me then I shouldn’t feel bad keeping secrets from her.

Jane, we feel awful about this, but please don’t go and tell Lisa right now. I don’t want to have to deal with this on top of everything else.

The single sided newspaper article on 8.5x11paper

It’s never good when another woman presses up
against your boyfriend.

It’s that’s pesky scamp Krampus

The headline has nothing to do with the article 

Do prostitutes normally hang out in small towns?  
Also he picks her up in the day…

…and arrives at his destination after dark.

Weredeer (2022)

Max hasn’t seen his family in ages. But after dating Hannah for three years, she wants to meet them since he’s met her family. After a long drive, they arrive at the house with plans to stay a few days.  His cousins are friendly but Max is embarrassed when Bobby Kyle talks about his belief in Bigfoot. 

There’s a family tradition whoever arrives last has to chop the firewood. While Max is chopping wood, Hannah goes for a walk and sees a deer.  She doesn’t seem to know much about wildlife as she attempts to feed it a granola bar and is bitten. 

Oddly enough, when she get back to the trailer, she doesn’t mention the bite or have any concern about infection or rabies. Even though it’s oozing and horrible looking, she doesn’t wash it. She just sit on the couch and when Max notices, she says she’ll take care of it later.

Later when Hannah disappears from the bedroom, the family splits up and heads into the woods to find her.  What they don’t know is the the bite turned Hannah into a weredeer, and being in the woods makes them the perfect victims.

It’s a low budget horror comedy with some cringey dialogue and cliche characters. The musical score was lighthearted but distracting.   I did like when someone saw the weredeer, he realized it was Hannah which should be obvious since it’s wearing her clothing. Often in horror movies the obvious is ignored.

The CGI deer bites Hannah

Nah, I don’t care about my gooey bite 

The hoofs are my favorite part of the transformation 

Hannah realizes there is something really wrong

She bitch slaps people with her hooves

Nutcracker Massacre (2022)

Romance novelist Clara is planning on spending Christmas alone after her boyfriend Paul admitted to cheating on her. When her Aunt Marie invites them for Christmas, Clara neglects to tell her they’ve broken up.  

On the way there, Clara buys a nutcracker. But when Marie opens the box, the store keeper has given her a sugar plum fairy instead.  Clara is okay with that since Marie has a six foot nutcracker standing by the tree. Where did she get it? Why does she have it? What in god’s name is wrong with her?

Marie’s daughter Melissa shows up with her boyfriend James and proceeds to bring everybody down. She’s a miserable, nasty person and it’s a mystery as to why James would date her. He’s genial and kind, while Melissa is the opposite. 

The next morning when James and the nutcracker are nowhere to be found, everyone is worried except for Melissa.  While the other go looking for him, Melissa lies around using her phone.  We all know it’s that murderous nutcracker, but it’s going to take the family longer to figure that out.

The origin story of the nutcracker is crazy. A soldier traveling the world hears a story about jewels from hell and that holding one can drive a man insane.  So when he stumbles on two jewels, he leaves them alone.  No, of course not. He picks them up and eats one.  Sigh.  So now we somehow have a human nutcracker who’s looking for his true love.

This movie isn’t good, but it’s better than some of the Christmas horror dreck out there.  Patrick Bergin makes an appearance as shop owner Dimitri, and literally twirls the end of his mustache in one scene, just in case you haven’t picked up that he’s up to no good.

Ridiculous dialogue

Clara - Who was it?

Paul - Let’s just move on

James - That was an awesome meal. Thank you.

Melissa - Well you should know. You ate enough.

Would anyone like dessert before bed?

There’s something weird about that nutcracker.

Paul - So you think a nutcracker possessed by a German soldier from the 1800s killed James?

Clara - Well what else could it be?

Melissa being her normal charming self

When he kills, he’s terrifying

The shop where something is terribly wrong with the gifts

Nothing creepy about that

Who sneaks downstairs in the middle of the night to eat walnuts?

Do you really need to text your name eto your girlfriend?

She never considers opening the wardrobe with her hands

Jewels? Sure, let’s eat them