Nutcracker Massacre (2022)

Romance novelist Clara is planning on spending Christmas alone after her boyfriend Paul admitted to cheating on her. When her Aunt Marie invites them for Christmas, Clara neglects to tell her they’ve broken up.  

On the way there, Clara buys a nutcracker. But when Marie opens the box, the store keeper has given her a sugar plum fairy instead.  Clara is okay with that since Marie has a six foot nutcracker standing by the tree. Where did she get it? Why does she have it? What in god’s name is wrong with her?

Marie’s daughter Melissa shows up with her boyfriend James and proceeds to bring everybody down. She’s a miserable, nasty person and it’s a mystery as to why James would date her. He’s genial and kind, while Melissa is the opposite. 

The next morning when James and the nutcracker are nowhere to be found, everyone is worried except for Melissa.  While the other go looking for him, Melissa lies around using her phone.  We all know it’s that murderous nutcracker, but it’s going to take the family longer to figure that out.

The origin story of the nutcracker is crazy. A soldier traveling the world hears a story about jewels from hell and that holding one can drive a man insane.  So when he stumbles on two jewels, he leaves them alone.  No, of course not. He picks them up and eats one.  Sigh.  So now we somehow have a human nutcracker who’s looking for his true love.

This movie isn’t good, but it’s better than some of the Christmas horror dreck out there.  Patrick Bergin makes an appearance as shop owner Dimitri, and literally twirls the end of his mustache in one scene, just in case you haven’t picked up that he’s up to no good.

Ridiculous dialogue

Clara - Who was it?

Paul - Let’s just move on

James - That was an awesome meal. Thank you.

Melissa - Well you should know. You ate enough.

Would anyone like dessert before bed?

There’s something weird about that nutcracker.

Paul - So you think a nutcracker possessed by a German soldier from the 1800s killed James?

Clara - Well what else could it be?

Melissa being her normal charming self

When he kills, he’s terrifying

The shop where something is terribly wrong with the gifts

Nothing creepy about that

Who sneaks downstairs in the middle of the night to eat walnuts?

Do you really need to text your name eto your girlfriend?

She never considers opening the wardrobe with her hands

Jewels? Sure, let’s eat them