Forget Me Not (2009)

While celebrating their high school graduation, a group of friends drives out to the cemetery to play a game they used to play when they were kids.  One person is the ghost, and everyone they tag becomes ghosts until one person is left.  When the vengeful spirit of Angela is awakened, the group become targets of her wrath as they were responsible for her getting hurt as a child.

Sandy, who used to be Angela's friend, is the only one who can remember things as they were.  As each of her friends dies, it is as if they never existed. The remaining members of the group start thinking Sandy is having a breakdown.  None of them have any memory of the people who die or their houses or cars which appear long abandoned.  It all becomes a race against time as Sandy tries to figure out what is really going on, how to stop it, and why she is the only one who can remember people who were their best friends.

While it's an interesting concept, there are a couple of problems.  Since Angela is not dead, how can her spirit interact with and kill those who did her wrong.  Also, Angela's reaction to her best friend playing a game with the other kids is kind of psycho, which makes her a much less sympathetic character.    Based on her outburst, you can actually identify with the kids who decide to play a prank on her.  Let's face it, no one likes to hang out with a big baby.

But the biggest problem is the ripple effect that would come from friends not ever existing.  Someone is erased from history, yet their friends lives remain almost unchanged, except for a lack of memory.  So if TJ never existed, the house he lived in would be long abandoned?  No one else would have lived there for years?  Did I blink and miss that he had fixed up an abandoned house?  It would be much more effective if someone else lived there.  Or someone else was driving the sports car.

When the movie begins, we randomly cut from scene to scene, all with different characters.  We aren't told who they are or how they relate to each other.  Also all the girls look very similar, so we kept getting confused as to whether the new scene had a new girl, or one who'd already been interacting with other characters.

Lastly, the ghosts, or whatever they are, that kill the kids look like a cross between the twitchy Japanese horror spirits, Marilyn Manson in the Beautiful People video, and someone in an Ace Frehley costume made out of duct tape.

Kull the Conquerer (1997)

When Kull beats the King in a sword fight, the dying monarch bestows his crown on Kull.  The heirs to the throne band to gether to plot Kull's death by reanimating the Red Witch.  The witch puts a spell on Kull in order to become his bride.  When the witch poisons him on his wedding night, the heirs are ecstatic until they discover the witch has changed her bargain with them and intends to remain in power.

Kull bands together with the palace psychic and her priest brother in order to destroy the witch and the men who sought his death.  Kull is a benevolent King who makes positive changes in the kingdom, like freeing the slaves.  Oh that Kull, he's such a good guy.

The music vears from metal to orchestral and back again.  Much of the movie could be from a Manowar metal video. There are a plethora of cod pieces in this flick.

The Thaw (2009)

When you title your movie, you should try to make it something that will generate some sort of interest so people will want to see your film.  The Thaw, besides being really generic, is almost a tongue twister and sounds like whoever is saying it has a lisp.  How about for the next one we call it The Thcrewdriver?

Dr. Kruipen, world famous expert in global warming, is in the Artic doing research in hopes of convincing people of the seriousness of this issue.  While tracking a polar bear, he discovers the melting ice caps have revealed a wooly mammoth.  However the mammoth is infected with some sort of parasite which is not finicky about who or what it inhabits.  

Three students majoring in Ecology who were chosen to work with Kruipen are already on their way.  The fourth member of their team, Kruipen's daughter, is only there due to feeling forced into it by her  often absent father.  

Due to the risks associated with his find, Kruipen asks the pilot to tell his daughter there is a change of plans and she can not come out to the site.  She refuses to accept this since she has traveled so far, as well as the fact that she is angry at her father so she's not going to do what he says.

When the pilot, college students, and daughter arrive at home base, they find it deserted and also find the carcass of the polar bear in the lab.  When one of her father's crew shows up badly injured and no one at the camp will answer on the radio, two of the students head out to find out what happened.  The parasite is at the site and back at the base, and as it infects people, the chances of survival get slimmer.

Brain Twisters (1993)

Professor Phillip Rothman, who looks like a cross between Alice Cooper and Rik Ocasek, is using his students in a research project for a company called Biotonics.  Skanky Michelle is doing poorly in class, so she offers sex for a good grade.  But Rothman would rather have her assist in his experiment meant to measure emotional responses to nerve stimulation.  Somehow this relates to computer game research.

Michelle is afraid of having electrodes hooked up to her head.  Rothman tells her, "If it's too much to handle, push the escape button."  My rule?  Count me out if your experiment is risky enough to need an escape button.  Too bad Michelle didn't have the same self preservation instincts since Rothman's experiment has the side effect of causing uncontrollable anger which leads to attacking and/or killing other people.

Meanwhile Laurie, who is in the same class and is doing work study for Rothman, finds her best friend murdered.  The Detective asks her to accompany him when they tell her friend's fiance, Ted.  They find Ted working as a waiter, order a meal, and then tell him the bad news.  As can be expected, Ted reacts badly.  But it gets weird because there are pinball sound effects, Ted looks strange, and then he jumps out the window.

Police are suspicious of Rothman because he claimed Ted's body and has a signed contract stating the body can be used for scientific research.  Rothman feigns innocence, but since his experiments involve cutting the heads off corpses, you know there's a problem.

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

The author of a series of teen vampire novels recruits retired vampire hunter Edgar Frog to help find her younger brother who disappeared at a rave.  She believes he was taken by vampires who plan to use him as a sacrifice at a huge underground rave about to take place nearby.

The new drug supplied at the raves is called Thirst.  Kids are given the drug which contains blood from the alpha vampire, thus ushering them into the league of the undead.

Along with Edgar, the novelist also hires a reality TV host who thinks this is like his show, a fake.  Edgar is not happy about this development, but decides to lead the mission as if he lets the obnoxious TV host go off on his own it will surely be a disaster.

Alan Frog, who was bitten by a vampire, contributes to the cause by making equipment that Edgar can use to kill the vampires.

While it can't complete with the original movie, it's still better than the sequel from a few years ago which featured random teens who come to stay in town and meet vampires.  The Frog Brothers are central to this movie, which makes it work.

The Apple (1980)

Metaphor-heavy, social commentary wrapped in a disco bow, The Apple is set in the "future" (1994) and tells the fable of a duo who discover that they must sell their souls to Satan to get ahead in the music industry. Naive duo Alfie and Bibi travel from a small town to compete in a world singing competition but are beaten by a band sponsored by BIM, Boogalow International Music.

When Mr. Boogalow offers them a contract, they are ecstatic until Alfie starts to read it and decides not to sign.  Bibi betrays Alfie by signing the contract as she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it big.  Soon Bibi is selling out concerts all over the world, with throngs of fans mobbing her everywhere she goes.  She's also under influence of speed as Mr. Boogalow keeps his artists in a state of subservience with pharmaceuticals and thinly veiled threats to do what he requests.

Alfie wants to make it on his own, but is going nowhere.  He  misses Bibi and sees how shes changed.  So he tries to save her from herself, the star machine that is BIM and Mr. Boogalow who is Satan.   There are lots of songs, dancing, and discoing all over the place.

As always, anytime someone in the 1980s tries to picture what the future looks like, they get it horribly, hilariously wrong.  There are many flashy, glittery, silvery ridiculous outfits.

Yup, no religious overtones in this scene.

In 1994, everyone will dress like this.

Bibi wears silver spandex and makes it big.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow (2004)

aka Skarecrow

Well, if there's one thing I can say about this - unlike Dark Harvest 2 - there certainly is a killer scarecrow in it.

A group of friends, who don't seem to like each all that much, head up to an old family cabin for their annual weekend retreat. On the way they stop for gas and receive a warning of death from a crazy old blind preacher. They ignore it and continue to the abandoned cabin, which is inexplicably spotless.

Although there were remarks about the water being undrinkable and no one has used the place for years, as soon as they arrive one of the girls wants to take a bath. Very strange considering it only took  an hour to drive there.  Why wouldn't she bathe before the trip? Makes no sense.

Due to the flashback at the beginning of the movie, we know that the family ran an illegal moonshine operation and seized the land from the actual owner. Bad news as the old lady was a witch and her curse immediately brought death at the hands of her scarecrow. And what our semi-young vacationers do not know is that the witch cursed the moonshiners descendents. Hurrah for the fun weekend ahead!

There is lots of beer and plans for the pursuit of the opposite sex. One couple heads out for a romantic  walk across the field. When the girl refuses to put out near an old scarecrow, the guy punches her in the face.  Her blood splashes the scarecrow, disappearing into it's clothing. Uh oh, that can't be good.

As per usual, the first couple to have sex are the first to suffer a casualty. The rest of the film is everyone running around, trying to figure out if the cabin owner is the killer, and trying not to die along the way.

The acting is atrocious. There were times I actually laughed out loud at the line reads. The film is supposed to take place in 1981, but we only know that because they said so. There is nothing 1980s about this movie, including the clothing and hair styles. The camera work is often very jerky, especially zooming out from closeups, and has a home movie camcorder feel to it. The behind the scenes footage shows that they did not have soft boxes or any real lighting.

Confusing scenes which go nowhere and have no impact on anything:

1. Bandana guy gets something several inches long stuck in his finger while in the basement. He states,"ow that smarts," loses a fingernail, and it is never mentioned again.
2. Although they carry in water from the well to fill the bathtub, later they use the tap and have no trouble getting water to wash a cut.
3. Allie has a psychic vision and passes out when touching an old book - which is barely dusty after having been in the basement for years. But its never explained why and none of her visions are useful or involved in the plot.
4. There is a POV shot from the vantage point of the girl in the sex scene, with the camera going up and down to simulate whats going on.
5. There is a cat scare.
6. Allie keeps taking deep breaths as if she is sniffing something, but it turns out to be just bad acting as she is trying to seem out of breath.
7. Cindy disappears from front door and Allie freaks out. She picks something off the floor and rubs it on her face. It turns out to be Cindy's hair, ewww!
8. When Allie screeches, she sounds like a cross between a crow and an old witch cackling.
9. Allie is making noises, but its unclear whether shes making animal noises or if they're supposed to somehow represent her fear.
10. Someone needs to let Allie know that screeching is not a substitute for an emotion.
11. Brent claims he never knew about the bulkhead that leads from the outside into the basement. But it's not hidden. There's a bulkhead outside and a door in the basement .
12. Why is Allie so freaked out by the old scarecrow. 

Dark Harvest 2: The Maize (2004)

aka The Maize: The Movie

The first thing you need to know is that there is no scarecrow in this movie. Did you hear me? No scarecrow.  Not only that, but we are treated to a movie that was originally called The Maize: The Movie.  Seriously?  That title screams to be ignored.

You know you're in trouble when you notice that the lead actor is also listed as writer, producer, director, cameraman, and assistant to the editor.  What enthusiastic amateurs often don't understand is that its a good idea to get another opinion involved to provide constructive criticism so you don't end up with an unwatchable mess.

Shy Walker has questionable psychic abilities which have previously predicted vague horrible consequences in the near future.  While handing out Halloween candy, he has a vision of harm coming to his daughters.  When a phone call to his wife reveals that the girls are somewhere inside a corn maize, Walker rushes rescue them.

The girls are dressed as vampires and are making a video about being lost in a corn maize. Duh. At one point, the camera zooms in and out as the older sister has the younger one scream while filming her mouth from less than a foot away. Seriously, they show footage of the girl screaming for several minutes.  It gets really annoying.

The girls run into a couple of semi-creepy little girls who speak in tandem and are looking for a lost locket.  After realizing these girls may not be alive, the daughters drop their camera and run off screaming.  As night falls, they find themselves lost in the maize.

Luckily their father is looking for them... still. Hour after hour he walks through the corn maize trying to find them. Is it really so big that they can't hear each other yelling? Why doesn't his wife, waiting outside the entrance, ask for help from the people running the place? They'll know how to get through the maize.  Or why not send out a search party?

I guess because otherwise we would only have about ten minutes worth of footage.  The film is mostly people walking through the corn maize. Plus a long sequence of the father digging in the dirt.  The spotlights shining on the actors are very distracting as they are supposed to be alone in the corn maize.  Yet there is this spotlight only on them.  When Walker is handcuffed and manages to pick the lock, I thought, "gee, it's a good thing someone is shining a light on his hands otherwise he wouldn't be able to do that." 

Megafault (2009)

An extremely sickly looking Brittany Murphy stars as a seismologist who has a theory about a megafault lying under the middle of the US. When a massive earthquake starts moving along this fault, Brittany gives a few words of advice, checks out the scene, and then spends the majority of the movie concentrating on the safety of her own family. She also has a fondness for the explosives expert she saved from the origin site of the earthquake, and the two use all her resources to try to save his mother as well as her family. So much for misuse of government resources.

As the quake travels across the plains with nothing to stop it, Brittany and the explosives guy attempt to use his knowledge to create a twenty five mile canyon which will hault the quakes progress.

The quake also causes a super volcano to surge under the ground, melting peoples shoes and eventually their heads. Oddly enough their clothes are intact until after their head melts.

Brittany's husband and child are given special treatment and are flown home on a military plane. The plane crashes, but somehow both end up wandering out of the woods alive. In keeping with the family tradition of self absorbtion, they do not make any attempt to check if the the pilots managed to survive also. Later husband and daughter hitch a ride with a trucker carrying a rig full of oil which is unfortunate since they're near the dreaded super volcano and must outrun the faultline which threatens to blow up the rig. The brilliant plan to unhitch the rig works.  But in it's post-explosive cgi glory rolling down the road,  if you'd replaced it with a cgi dinosaur on fire it would have looked very similar.

I don't know whether it was the makeup, or if Brittany was very ill or hopped up on goofballs, but her appearance is very distracting.  She does not look well.

Murder Loves Killers Too (2009)

A group of friends rent a cabin and head out for a weekend of partying. The cars engine blows, but luckily they are close enough to walk the rest of the way. From the outside the house looks huge, but inside is two bedrooms, bath, kitchen/living area, plus an upstairs room with a pool table.

Before our group can start partying, our killer has grabbed one of the girls. It's quick and unexpected. Everyone figures shes gone for a jog. Her boyfriend decides to go after her and meets a similar fate. The remaining three start partying and get smashed.

The killer, a benign looking middle aged man, starts picking them off one by one, and very shortly we are down to our final girl. She manages to hide from the killer, even though there aren't many places to hide. Ultimately she does some really stupid things which put her right in the killers hands. Isn't that always the way?

The last part of the movie heads in a completely different direction, which is when it loses all its momentum. It might have been okay if it was shorter or if the end wasn't fairly predictable.

The most ridiculous part of the whole movie is that even though there are signs that someone else is staying at the cabin, they completely ignore this. There is a car in the driveway, the door is unlocked, the door to the deck is open, the bed appears to be slept in, there is remnants of a cup of coffee, and the fridge is stocked with food. One person questions it, but the others couldn't care less. Silly college kids, you die now.

Witchboard III: The Possession (1995)

When his landlord shows unemployed stock broker Brian a Ouija board that he claims can predict which stocks to buy, Brian is understandably skeptical. But when the stock takes off, Brian heads back for another Ouija session. To Brian's surprise, his landlord gives him a ring and then commits suicide by jumping off the balcony.

After the funeral, Brian steals the Ouija board, borrows fifty thousand dollars from a loan shark, and tries to make a killing on the market. Unfortunately he does not have the sixty two thousand five hundred dollars that he needs to pay back within twenty four hours. When the loan shark's goon tries to chop off Brian's finger, blood is spilled on the box housing the Ouija and Brian is the only one who leaves the office alive.

Brian's attempt to destroy the Ouija only succeeds in an accident which stops his heart. His wife Julie calls paramedics who seemingly resuscitate him. However Brian has changed. At first it's little things like his hairstyle. But soon Julie is wondering who this person is, as he hits on her best friend right in front of her. Shortly after this she discovers her husband is actually stuck in the mirror and his body is inhabited by demon who intends to impregnate her. Oh the humanity!

The Curse of Lizzie Borden

Cassie is taking a summer class on American Folklore where one of the study topics is Lizzie Borden. Her professor decides to take the class on a completely pointless field trip to Josiah Moodys house so Moody can test out his tourist rap. His house is a tourist attraction with original artifacts from Lizzie and Moody wants to practice his patter to make sure people are willing to pay for a tour.

Moody is planning a Halloween tour with someone dressed as Lizzie with an ax. Cassie is offered the job and immediately moves into Moodys house. Soon she intermittently believes she actually is Lizzie. She talks strangely, alienates her boyfriend, and decides to use a real ax for a prop.

Moody thinks she really into her character until he awakes in the middle of the night to find her standing over him. Next the viewer thrills to the sight of an overweight man moving slowly down the stairs as Cassie treads slowly behind him with an ax.

When Lizzie possesses Cassie, she claims she will have her revenge on the town folk for accusing her of a crime she didn't commit and ruining her life. Then she starts killing her friends, even though I'm not sure how that figures into her pact with Satan. So.... Lizzie's revenge is to kill innocent college students who don't live anywhere near her hometown? It's not like she's taking her revenge out on anyone's descendants. These are just a bunch of stupid college kids.

Funniest lines -

Cassie stating that she hates her stepmom because, "She's like half my age and a total bitch." So... her stepmom is ten?

When Cassie tells her roommate shes moving out and staying with Moody, her roommate responds, "I can't live here all alone. It's a two bedroom."

This a is super low budget movie and it shows. It was so bad that I got some enjoyment out of it because it's so ridiculous. Here is just some of the silly things I observed:

1. Moodys death involves him saying (not yelling), "Ahhhhh" after he is hit with the ax.
2. Every time the ax hits him, there is a metallic sound like a trampoline or old springs. It made me laugh out loud.
3. Lizzie sells her soul to the devil for revenge because shes innocent.
4. The professor warns the class that Moody is eccentric, and in this case eccentric means can't act.
5. Moody mispronounces Massachusetts.
6. I'm still not sure if Moodys hair is a wig.
7. the reenactment of the killings is historically inaccurate, yet there is no reason for changing the murder locations.
8. Whenever some is killed, cups full of fake blood are thrown from off screen onto the people and walls.
9. Why does Cassie move into Moodys when she takes the job? Couldn't she remain in her own apartment? And what sort of nut moves into the house of someone they just met?
10. No tourist attraction would leave a tour guide without any training alone on the first day of the job.
11. They're using a real ax in a haunted tourist attraction. What could possibly go wrong?
12. Cassie claims she is Lizzie, but also says she invited everyone to the house because they're her closest friends - which is it?
13. When Lizzie hits a girl, there is blood on her ax. When she raises the ax again, it is clean.
14. The three stooges routine - two duck, third gets hit by ax - bad writing or a tribute?
15. When Cassie is elbowed in the face and drops the ax, no one picks it up. Duhr!
16. Her friends state they are worried about Cassie and agree to meet. They don't.

Killer Bash: Vengeance Never Dies (2005)

In 1975 five frat boys accidentally cause the death of geeky Robert Hyde in a prank gone wrong. Thirty years later, Becky Jekyll is studying Chemistry and Microbiology, and ends up with Roberts books. Not sure why these books are still being used since there have been many advances in science during the past thirty years, and Becky will surely fail her classes by studying them.

Becky finds a map in one of the books which leads to the basement where she stumbles across Roberts class ring. Somehow Roberts spirit takes possession of Becky and uses his supernatural powers to seek revenge on the frat boys who bullied him. Luckily for Robert, all the frat boys have sons who are all the same age, attend the very same college as their fathers did, and have pledged the same frat. What are the odds?

Roberts spirit makes Becky's eyes glow red when she is about to kill. All the deaths seem like accidents, except for the fact that all the guys belong to one frat.

There is plenty of padding with frat parties, music, and dancing.

The movie is full of ridiculous-ness:

• Becky's last name is Jekyll and Roberts last name is Hyde
• when Becky is possessed by nerdy Robert, she goes from a mousy, shy pariah to a popular hot chick - since when do dead nerds know how to give girls make overs?
• the weight lifting equipment is located outside on the lawn
• the soccer team practice near the weights in a common area next to a sidewalk, not on a soccer field
• Craig is deathly allergic to peanuts, yet the granola bar he eats appears to be covered in nuts, which he doesn't notice
• the odds of the five frat guys all having kids the same age is astronomical
• we only know it's 1975 at the beginning because they tell us it is - you can't tell from the fashions or haircuts
• Argh! What is up with that DVD cover? Her face is totally photoshopped onto that neck.

Vicious (2003)

An elite military squad comprised of two soldiers is called in to eliminate Kane, a rogue agent who is out of control. Uh oh, this isn't going to end well since he's in charge of Project Carnivore. The soldiers are supposed to keep a low profile, but they wear military outfits, berets, and a strange black and red patch. They are far from low profile.

Meanwhile three friends reluctantly go camping in the woods with one guys girlfriend in tow. The girlfriend has a bunch of stupid rules to keep the guys in line, and seems to hate her boyfriends buddies. His friends are not happy that she's managed to guilt trip her way into coming on their weekend getaway.

Now that conflict has been established, we know that soon the group will splinter making it easier for the monster to eat them. Yes that's right, because Project Carnivore involves Tom Savini feeding people to a wretched cgi monster. Hold onto your hats and sit back for a trip of horror that's about as exciting as the monster on the DVD cover - and good luck.

Midnight Movie (2008)

Years ago Ted Radford made a movie in which he played the killer. His obsession with the film drove him to be locked in an asylum. The doctors believe that if they let him watch the film, it will ease his obsession. However it has the opposite effect as the next thing you know there is a massacre at the hospital and Ted has disappeared.

A movie house decides to have a midnight showing of Radfords movie. The doctor and police detective who were around five years ago when the Radford escaped believe that this may get Radford out of hiding, if he's still alive.

Some kids in the audience see their friend being killed on the movie screen, and think it is an elaborate prank. Through some sort of unexplained weirdness, live footage of the murders in the theater appear in the movie. When the film looks like it's starting to melt, it becomes the killers point of view which shows what is occurring at that moment in time.

When they finally figure out that the murders are real and happening in the theater, they freak out. There is no escape from the theater, as the doors are locked and there is no cell reception. The detective and doctor show up at the theater hoping the killer will show and they can recapture him.

Since the killer comes out of the movie, why not just shut off the projector? They don't. They keep running around in a panic. Eventually someone figures out this would be a good idea. They shut off the film, but soon evil starts it up again and locks them out of the projection booth.

The next stupid idea is that since the killers view is on the screen, one of them will stay behind to watch the film, while the others try to escape. This way they can keep an eye on him and maybe use his POV against him as they'll know where he is. Of course this doesn't work either and there are more deaths.

The group keeps splitting up, even though they've figured out that the killer only individuals, not groups of people. Also odd - the movie theater has an amazing amount of long hallways.

Bigfoot (2006)

After his father dies, Jack and his daughter Charlie move back to Jack's home town and into his fathers house. Bob, the local Sheriff, is Jacks best friend. The town has recently been plagued by deer mutilations and the disappearance of some town folk. One of the old codgers in the local bar reckons its due to Bigfoot, and laughter ensues.

When Jack sees a huge hairy monster one night, he theorizes that Bigfoot may be the cause of the killings in town. No one believes him. So he suits up in military garb and heads off to fight Bigfoot. This is completey ridiculous as he has no plan as to how to succeed and only carries flares and guns. During their fight, Jack blows stuff up, but Bigfoot remains unscathed.

There is no explanation as to why Bigfoot has suddenly started killing people. Since we know the creature was in the area at least sixty years earlier, what happened to make him start eating the livers of human beings? Jack comes across as the guy who remains calm even in the face of crisis, but then you just realize it's just wooden acting.

Wedding Slashers (2006)

Jenna dreams of getting married, but she's afraid to commit as everyone she loves ends up dead. When Alex proposes, Jenna agrees although she questions whether it is a good idea. At the church, Jenna starts getting excited as the wedding is only one hour away and nothing bad has happened yet. Then out the window of the church she spies a large man in a mask carrying a knife.

Seems Jenna lied about her past as everyone thought her family was dead. In reality, they are an inbred hillbilly clan who have been looking for Jenna since she ran away. People marry within the family and she is promised to her cousin. So anyone who Jenna gets attached to is promptly eliminated.

Jenna gives her cellphone to her bridesmaid, tells her to get out, and asks her to tell everyone the wedding is canceled. The bridesmaid makes the calls from her car until a hillbilly kills a member of the wedding party on the hood of her car. So does she drive off to save herself and get help for those in the church? Nope. She gets out of the car and runs into the woods at the urging of the person she's speaking to on Jenna's cell phone. Good god, no sense of self preservation with that girl. Then we get to thrill to her in high heels slowly picking her way up the dirt path on a hill while an overweight hillbilly in a mask tries to catch up to her.

When I watched the trailer, I knew this would be bad, but there was some really bad acting so I thought it might be funny. No such luck. This is just ridiculous, although I was happy to see Richard Lynch even though I wish he'd had better material.

Stupidest line-

"If you ever doubt my love for you, just remember I sank a meat cleaver into the neck of a guy I've known since 5th grade so he wouldn't take you from me." - Alex

The worst part about that line? It was uttered without any emotion. Plus he really didn't need to kill his friend, he could have hit him over the head to knock him out. And why the hell does a church have a meat cleaver just sitting on a counter?

The trailer has lots of people running from the church and people inside screaming. But neither of those scenes are in the movie. Only the wedding party had shown up at the church.

There is a long pointless scene of two hillbillys arguing about an inane topic. Later we get the same from two different hillbillys. This just serves to pad the film and provide a way for Alex to sneak up on them.

The hillbillys end up in a cabin at the end, which begs the question if you've run away from your hillbilly family, why would you get married at a church within walking distance of their cabin? Also why would you let your picture be taken and put in the paper for your engagement? You can say no. Not everyone does it.

Also why doesn't anyone have a cell phone? The only characters who have them are ones where it is convenient to the plot. And when they hide in the church, no one looks for a phone to call 911. Since they hole up in the church during the day, and don't leave the church until after dark, you'd think at some point, one of them would have decided to look for a phone.

Death Sport (1978)

In the future, there is war, mutants, and something called Death Sport. It's never made perfectly clear what the rules are, other than its a sport where you die. They ride Death Machines, which are motorcycles with cheap-o metal face plates and futuristic controls on the dash - that's right the cycles have a dashboard.

There isn't really a cohesive plot. Our cast of characters are either bad guys - the power mad leader Lord Zirpola; and Ankar (played by the 1970s/1980s quintessential villain Richard Lynch) - or good guys - nomad Kaz, female Deneer, Lord Zirpolas doctor (who dared to tell him he was ill) and the doctors son. The good guys are captured by the villains and forced to participate in Death Sport.

Of course, none of them want to be in Death Sport since there is death involved. So they formulate a plan to break out. Once free from the force field, they travel across the country to rescue a young girl who was kidnapped from Deneers tribe. This involves heading into the mutant caves to see if she is still alive.

The movie is full of motorcycle riding, chase scenes, futuristic bike sounds, more riding, more chase scenes, and explosions. In fact there are so many explosions that you'll start being surprised when things don't blow up. It's cheesy, it's funny, it's stupid, and it's sometimes entertaining.

Ninjas Vs. Vampires (2010)

When Aaron confesses his love to best friend Alex, things go horribly wrong. First she rejects him and then they are attacked by lame looking vampires. Out of nowhere some ninjas show up to save them, but then disappear with Alex. When Aaron finds her back at her house, she has no memory of anything after she rejected him. Her memory troubles continue as she can't remember their conversation while they're speaking.

Aaron manages to find the ninjas household where he learns they protect people from vampire attacks. The leader of the vampires, Seth (who looks like a frat boy), is planning to destroy the ninjas and that would leave the humans completely vulnerable. Aaron convinces the ninjas to train him to become a ninja so he can protect Alex.

The vampires costumes are bizarre. I'm not sure if they were sponsored by a costume shop, or just had access to all these outfits and decided to use them. But there are random outfits that make it look like costume party. Sometimes the vampire fangs appear to be too big for their mouths, which is awkward when they speak as it just looks ridiculous.

There is a training montage when they teach Aaron how to fight. At one point we are treated to Aaron using nunchuks which was great as he actually knows how to use them.

When the movie started, I was worried. As the credits roll, some stupid chick in her underwear and a twilight shirt is running through the woods after dark and is killed. The video is not well lit. Then the stupid looking vampires in the first attack almost made us shut the movie off. But we decided to stick it out a little longer which ended up being a good decision. Although it has some problems, it also has a lot of charm and we ended up enjoying it. It's much better than most really low budget movies.

Brain Dead (2007)

A tiny meteor plummets to Earth, slams into a fisherman's forehead, and comes to rest in his cranial cavity. By the time his friend runs over to him, he's changed into a zombie-like monster, rips his friends head open and eats his brain.

The creature spews a thick black oily substance from it's mouth which can be used to turn its victims into monsters. If you manage to kill one of these monsters, the little alien slug inside them needs to find a new host.

Into the woods stomps our cast of characters who all end up in the same isolated cabin. First are two escaped convicts (one a murderer, the other a petty criminal handcuffed to the murderer when he made his escape). They are looking for tools to remove their handcuffs. Next we have two lost female hikers who are hoping for directions or a place to spend the night. Lastly, a Reverend and his assistant who are stranded after their car crashes after the Reverend makes a pass at the young lady.

The special effects are well done and there's some gore. The comedy often falls flat, but the movie is so much better than I expected. Definitely some surprises as far as effects go although the story is rather predictable. One thing which was funny is that the killers tattoos appear to have been done with a Sharpie. It looks okay for what it is, but it's still funny.