Krampus and the Crazy Cats (2023)

Absolute nonsense and not in a good way. I couldn’t even get through it. Random scenes that go nowhere. Foley doesn’t start until part way through some scenes. The editing isn’t always smooth either.  If someone is walking and the shot cuts from back to front, we should not see them motionless for a second before they start walking again. 

Cursed (2024)

Gordon is backpacking in Romania when he gets a message his mother has died. When he heads toward a town with an airport to fly home, his general douchebaggery and lack of cash results in being kicked out of a taxi and stranded by the side of the road.

With no choice but to walk, he wanders down the snow covered  country roads until he finds a fruit stand in the middle of nowhere.  Seeing no one around, he stuffs his face and fills his backpack with everything he can carry, including the money box.

At dusk, he comes upon a house and knocks on the door. The woman inside lets him in, feeds him and allows him to stay the night.  The woman mentions that her grandmother Olga owns a fruit stand. One time someone stole the money box and the townsfolk beat the crap out of the thief.  

Thus we are on our way into a story which has Gordon doing far worse and getting even more unlikeable.  Our dirtbag protagonist is going to get some terrible and unexpected karma for his actions.  

This movie came up when I did a search for Christmas horror. Based on the cover, you’d think Krampus was going to show up at some point. Each time something messed up happened or people started giving each other the side eye, I’d think, here we go, let loose the Krampus  But instead, it seems the cover was made by someone who apparently didn’t know anything about the movie. There is no Krampus. It’s well done but if you’re expecting what’s on the cover you’re sure to be disappointed.

Beware the Children (2018)

After some opening scenes in different time periods which mention experimental drugs and disappearing children, we jump to current day Happy Valley. David arrives home after serving overseas and his family celebrates by pulling out a cake. The kids are told to eat as quickly as possible because it’s bed time.  This begs the question, why not celebrate tomorrow? Also why are they going to bed when it’s light out?

The next day David and his wife get together with their friends and discover all their kids are suffering from nightmares.  They decide group therapy would be best, even though the kids are different ages and don’t all have the same fears. Will the kids be comfortable being vulnerable in front of their friends?  The parents are not concerned.

The child counselor is super creepy and resembles Bigfoot.  He lets the parents know when the counseling session is over, they can pick their kids up in the park across the street. Nothing suspicious about that. One of the parents says the children’s behavior is getting worse after what the counselor is serving them and the counselor counters he’s not serving it anymore. Wait, I thought this was the first session.

Meanwhile in another part of town, a group of teens talk about how hungry they are and a creepy delivery driver brings one styrofoam take out container. Why didn’t everyone order food if they’re all hungry?  The guy who ordered take out goes outside to eat while his girlfriend watches. I’m not sure why we are focusing on these teens.

Soon children start to disappear and the movie devolves into the worst attempt to arrest a suspect. A line of detectives with guns drawn and the reaction time of a sloth step en masse into a garage. Then a small child hits the button for the garage door and it slowly closes behind them, locking them in.

The movie is a low budget film that’s really disjointed and sometimes you’ll wonder what is happening.  The audio is inconsistent, like when Timmy is in the counseling session but sounds very far away.  There are off putting close ups with strange framing. At other times, the principle actors heads are cut off, partially or fully.  Sometimes the color is washed out, which was definitely a choice but it’s not clear why. There are even some scenes where actors trample on each others lines.   

One of the oddest moments is when the adults can’t believe another adult is someone they went to grade school with because he used to be such a small kid and now he's huge. You could say that about almost anyone you hadn’t seen since they were little.

This is one of those movies where the best thing you can say is they had an idea and put the effort into  actually making the movie.  

Ridiculous dialogue

It’s like demons versus God for me. So I just tell him say a prayer and turn the light on.

Baby sitter: Is anything wrong?

Police: Well they went to a therapy session and now all the children are missing.

The newspaper article which misspells bizarre 

The choice to not include any characters entire head in the scene

The delivery boy with the hand drawn name tag

The delivery boy continues standing at the door, plus
everyone said they were hungry but this is all they ordered 

The creepiest child counselor ever

Out of focus and odd framing

Wait, this a religious movie?

More odd framing on close ups

The family wave to well wishers

Hellavator Hotel (2023)

Aka The Elevator; aka Haunted Hotel

Lily arrives for her first shift as the night manager at a hotel. Instead of training on how the hotel works, she’s immediately shown her room which has multiple bunk beds.  You’d assume it’s staff dorm, except the only other staff member we see has a different room. 

The hotel is odd.  The guest rooms also have multiple bunk beds, which seems like a really bad business decision.  The boiler is not in the basement, but on an upper floor.  Then there are the strange permanent residents and a history of guests dying in the hotel.  

Lily is more concerned with investigating the most recent death than in doing her job. She constantly leaves the front desk to look into what happened.  I guess that’s not a big deal since no one seems to stay there. Plus Lily has no training so she has idea how to check someone in or charge them for their room.

There is security footage of the last person who died. She was playing the elevator game so Lily tries to play it too, but caretaker Zack catches her.  We’re told Zack has been the caretaker for ages so you’d think he’d be close to retirement, but he appears to be in his twenties.

While the hotel has 14 floors, they only let guests go to the 7th floor.  Lily’s room has several leaks in the ceiling so I thought she was staying on the top floor, but that’s not the case. Aside from the residents, the only guests we see are some influencers who are staying there due to the deaths in the hotel and are shooting some footage for a video. It does not go well for them. 

This is a slog to get through. It’s slow paced and not much happens.  Lily is mostly expressionless and glassy eyed.  The demon is a man in a rubber suit which was used in other movies by the same filmmaker. 

The name on the title screen does not match the cover

Why does he have a photo of the new manager hidden in his book?

Why does the hotel have bunk beds?

Oh joy,  we’ve got some influencers 

She can only see ghosts through her cell phone

The most inefficient use of space in a diary entry

Brilliant investigating

Rabid (2019)

Rose and her best friend Chelsea, a model, work for abusive fashion designer Gunther. Rose dreams of being a designer but Gunther thinks her work is pedestrian.

Due to her insecurity about the scars on her face (which are barely noticeable), Rose usually skips fashion events. But when Brad asks her to go with him to a party, she accepts. She’s having a great time until she overhears two of Gunther’s models calling her scar face and laughing about how Chelsea convinced Brad to take her tonight. 

Feeling the fool, Rose bolts from the club, gets on her moped and is hit by a car. She wakes up in the hospital with horrific facial injuries. The doctors tell her repairing the injuries could take years, is expensive and she will never look the same. Since heartless Gunther let her go after her accident, Rose has no job and no insurance to pay for the procedures.

When she sees an ad for the Burrows Clinic offering an experimental procedure at no cost, she and Chelsea make an appointment to meet with the doctors. Rose decides to move forward since it is her only hope.  The experimental procedure is flawless and the reconstruction is amazing.  But she reports having odd dreams about biting people and consuming blood, which is  upsetting since she’s a vegetarian.

At one point there is a public health crisis where people are advised to stay home due to a rabies outbreak. But Gunther has a show to do and fashion waits for no one. Who cares if the public is at risk, he needs to show his ugly fashions.  

Since Rose is now beautiful, she’s back on Gunther’s team and is helping with the show. When Chelsea arrives disheveled and stating she was bitten while riding the subway, no one is concerned. Other models seem ill and once again, no one is concerned. People fall down on stage and there is barely registered concern. Since rabies is not fashionable, everyone pretends the health crisis doesn’t exist.  We all know this isn’t going to go well.

This is a remake of a 1970s movie. 

Dialogue from fashion industry insiders

You know you’re pretty now, right? You don’t have to be nice.

Fashion never stops for anybody or anything.

Rose and her hideous scars which make her a fashion outcast

I don’t think I trust the Burrows clinic’s operating staff

The orange faced, be-wigged goon on the left is not a clinic
patient, but renowned fashion designed Gunther

Horror in the Forest (2023)

Redwood Forest is known for a high number of child abductions. Yet people still take their children into the woods to camp.  The police search for the missing, but if they are not found within 48 hours, they are never seen again.

Three paranormal investigators decide to explore the forest. They plan to retrace the steps of one of the recent abduction cases. They’re pointed towards Nelson, whose daughter recently went missing, who believes a witch stole his daughter.  His plan is to call the witch and make an exchange to get his daughter back.  None of the investigators think to ask any questions about what he plans to exchange.

They walk deep into the woods and reach their destination well after dark.  Nelson tells the group he makes the rules and they must follow them. They need to stay inside the circle no matter what happens.  If they leave the circle, they’ll die.

As expected, things do not go the way the investigators think they will. What’s unexpected is Georgie keeps shining the light in her own face in the middle of the pitch black woods, effectively blinding herself and making her whereabouts easy to find for whatever evil happens to be looking for her. 

Be prepared for a lot of this type of shot

Never go into the woods with a stranger

Stop using the light when you’re trying to hide

I’m sure the ghoul in the woods is perfectly safe

St. Patricks Day: The Sluagh Awakens (2022)

After striking it rich in the market, Colin takes his wife on a camping trip. While at a bar, they tell the bartender about their good fortune and their plans to camp.  The bartender warns them not to go camping tonight of all nights, but head back into the city.  Colin laughs in his face. The bartender angrily shows them scars on his arm which he says are from fighting a creature out there.  Colin and his wife laugh at him and the bartender is not amused.

Once outside Colin says the bartender was a dick, but his wife says maybe they should rethink their plans.  Colin isn’t worried since they’re in the middle of nowhere and the townsfolk are uneducated rednecks who suffer from mental illness. Surprisingly that statement does not concern his wife. But since she doesn’t have long to live, I guess she can’t regret it. Colin barely survives the creature attack and spends years blaming others because he didn’t heed the bartenders warning.

Seven years later Tara, her boyfriend Pierce, and sister Olivia head to the same town. Tara is so unpleasant it’s hard to imagine being trapped in a car with her.  They arrive on St Patrick’s Day and visit with Pierce’s uncle, the same man who warned Colin seven years earlier.  The bar is dead since the locals know if you want to party on St. Patrick’s Day you need to leave town.

Colin is also back in town seeking revenge on the creature who murdered his wife. He doesn’t seem prepared though. It’s like he has no real plan and not enough weapons. The kids end up being chased through the woods and take shelter at the house he’s renting for the weekend.  People keep making stupid decisions, such as running outside after getting in a fight. Or when Olivia looks over Pierce’s shoulder with a horrified look on her face, Pierce says “What?”  It never occurs to him it could be one of the creatures they previously escaped from, nor does he think to turn around or move. 

Other than the initial death in the set up, which is over in an instant,  it takes 50 minutes to get to the night of St. Patrck’s and the creatures attacking.

Ridiculous dialogue

Your uncle gave us a pretty half ass warning about it seven years ago. He knew and now my wife’s dead.

 

Has he done research about what could kill the monsters?

Tara is always side eyeing people

The scars that look like a Monster energy drink

Ghost Storm (2012)

When a group of teenagers, including the Sheriffs daughter Daisy, go to the cemetery during a storm, lightning cracks the memorial for the Sabbath Suicide victims.  Smoke comes out of the ground, swirls around one of the teens and turns him into a dead senior citizen.

The teens call the police but the cops don’t believe this corpse is really their friend.  When the victim’s father is brought to the coroners office to identify him, all that’s left is what appears to be ash.

After a policeman turns to ash in his cruiser near the vmemorial, the cops become more concerned and the Sheriff asks the mainland for help.  Before it arrives, paranormal investgator Greg shows up and says no one should show fear because ghosts feed on fear.  The island is full of PKE, aka psycho kinetic energy. Those wronged in this world seek to resolve their issues before going to the next and he feels like they’re seeking revenge.

Meanwhile Daisy and her boyfriend are searching through the church archives because they think it has something to do with the old priest and the Sabbath suicide, which was a group of people that sacrificed themselves - think Jonestown.  Daisy saw a vision in her phone and it turned out to be her great grandfather who she thinks is causing this.

In one of those moments when a character could easily explain something to another but doesn't, Daisy tells her Dad they found a diary in the church archives he needs to read. She gives no context to her plea and her Dad tells her to go home.

The storm of ghosts can get into houses by going under doors, or into cars by going through the vents. At one point, the ghost storm comes up through the drain in the kitchen sink. Daisy drives it away by using a fire extinguisher and then putting a stopper in the drain.  I can’t help but notice it’s a double sink.

Ridiculous dialogue

What you’re saying is we have a storm of spirits?

I know it sounds crazy, but salt water absorbs the dark energy of the spirits.

13 Eerie (2013)

Six college students studying forensic science are brought to an island where they are assigned to investigate a crime scene set up by their professor, Dr. Tomkins.  The students are competing for a prestigious internship, and the professor is known for being tricky in his tests.

Their destination is an old penitentiary known as Eerie Strait, on an island where the government used to experiment on prisoners. The professor sets up crime scenes using real bodies in three different areas, and everyone pairs off to find and investigate a crime scene.

Working with the professor is Larry, who will be chef and chauffeur. When two of three chickens disappear from the grill, Larry asks if someone else in on the island.  The professor can’t be bothered with such nonsense. Neither can he be bothered when one of his students says they’ve found a fourth body.  Nonsense, he says, there are only three bodies.  He’s a condescending jackass who never questions why there would be an additional body on the island. Why does he not trust the students competing for a coveted internship? Shouldn’t their skill level enable them to be able to identify a dead body?

Meanwhile no one is all that concerned about the sludge on barrels, or the lack of any animal sounds. And when the students start saying they saw someone dressed in orange in the woods, the professor tells them to grow up.  It does not go well for our intrepid forensic students.

The man who helped the professor set up told him he’ll be back the next morning because they need to get the bodies back to the morgue. So he’s borrowing bodies? Has anyone been to this island since the penitentiary shut down or the experiments stopped? You’d think someone would know not to go to this island.

The cover reminds me of Jason with his odd sized head as he came out of the water in the first Friday the 13th.

Lochness Horror (2023)

A small group is sent on a rescue mission to find a submarine that disappeared and figure out what happened to it. Part of the group has their own agenda and are hiding the real point of the mission.  While it may have been explained, I’m not clear how the two groups got involved or why they’d not want everyone to know what they were up against. 

There is a lot that doesn’t make sense, partly due to the writing and partly because it’s not exciting enough to hold your attention:

• They threaten to kill Willow when she says she doesn’t want to go down to check the wreckage, yet if they kill her, they’ve lost their diver
• One woman says her role is to take care of Willow but why does she need to be taken care of?
• This same woman starts crying under pressure which doesn’t bode well for Willow or anyone else
• They send Ava to figure out the power issue but have to explain what to look for as she has no idea what she’s doing
• The real mission is to document the Lochness monster, but based on the ship and submarine, they’re in the ocean, not in Loch Ness

There is a siren that wails through a lot of the movie and will drive you nuts. No one is very good at their job. It’s a massive ship, but there are only a few people on board running it. Also can one person really run a submarine? And when they get on the ship, one woman is wearing a crop top, but everyone else is in winter jackets. 

 

Last Amityville Movie (2023)

A YouTuber gets a package in the mail with a doorknob that ends up being from the Amityville house. Bad things start happening because it’s cursed.  That’s pretty much it.

This was made during the pandemic so it’s mostly one guy, and sometimes he’s talking to other people on Zoom. The weirdest thing that happens is he makes fresh baked cookies, but leaves them out on the counter overnight like an animal.

Plague of the Dead (2021)

Shot during the pandemic, it’s various people surviving a zombie apocalypse. Most of it is one person alone at a time filming themselves, or there’s a couple walking in a field.  When outside the empty landscape helps the mood, but ultimately it’s pointless. There’s almost no zombies in it, most of the footage is shot inside and dialogue appears to be improvised. It’s like a guy you worked with asked you to watch a movie he and his friends made. It’d be interesting for them, but not so much for you.

Amityville Backpack (2024)

The movie opens with a kid wearing a backpack. Something undefined happens and he explodes. I have no idea why or how. 

Then we meet Luther, an odd man who wants to ask for a raise. He psyches himself up but his boss, whose personality is his hat, says Luther isn’t any good.

Luther goes to a garage sale and inexplicably finds the exploding backpack. After purchasing it, he spends his drive home talking to the bag as if it’s a pet. This is going to be hard to watch. 

Later Luther calls his potential girlfriend. He’s so off putting it would be hard for him to get a date.  As they talk you can hear whichever of them isn’t in the shot as if it’s on a speaker or in another room nearby. 

And I gave up. It’s just too painful to watch. Luther never shuts up and he’s not interesting or amusing.

Dead Still (2014)

Brandon Davis inherits his grandfather’s estate, which includes an old camera his great grandfather used to do post mortem photography in the 1800s.  The great grandfather had some notoriety with exhibits of his photography and Brandon thinks perhaps using the camera will help him get noticed.

Brandon is estranged from his wife and his son Bobby goes to speech therapy because he doesn’t speak. Brandon doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, but I would argue not speaking when you’re a preteen signifies some issues. 

When he’s booked for a wedding, he brings his great grandfather's camera with him.  Bringing a massive stand up camera to a wedding is not practical. He’s got to bring chemicals, glass plates, and make sure they are not exposed to light or broken after exposure.  Does he have enough plates to make it worth while? How safe are the chemicals to have in a party setting? The care and handling seem excessive to use in this situation.

Weirdo Professor Jay McClaren is writing a book about Brandon’s great grandfather and reveals rumor has it, you’ll die if the camera takes your picture.  When Brandon looks at the pictures from the wedding, the bride and groom look like they’re melting.  He’s confused but thinks it’s a technical issue, not that he has a murderous camera. Because that would be insane.  The other photos from that night also look bad.

Brandon convinces his wife and son to let them take their photo at the old estate in Victorian clothing so it looks like the photos from his ancestors time.  When he later learns the bride and groom are dead, he tries to call his wife to warn her.  But in a typical indirect warning, when he gets her voicemail he asks her to call him, which doesn’t betray the urgency needed if you think someone might die.  Just once it would be nice to hear a message that hits all the points, such as hey this sounds crazy but my assistant died and I think the camera is cursed because the people whose photos I took at the wedding died too. Now I’m afraid for you so please call me as soon as you get this.

It’s not clear how his great grandfather was able to get away with this. Photography in the 1800s was a big deal since only photographers had cameras.  How did no one notice that a little girl went in for a photo and ended up dead?   And we won’t even talk about how Bobby ends up sucked inside the camera where his Dad needs to try to rescue him, and that he can speak in this alternate world.

Ridiculous dialogue

Professor Jay: Oh and Miss Monroe? I would stay away from that camera if I were you.

Ivy: Really. Why is that?

Professor Jay: Because a lot of people tend to die around it. Have a nice day. 

His wife always looks pained

Usually the wedding photographer doesn’t drink while working

All the wedding photos look like this

This is an ungainly set up to take to a wedding

This type of camera would show the photo upside down

He’s too old not to speak

The Madness of Humpty Dumpty (2023)

Bailee needs to relax so she brings her boyfriend Tom to her childhood home which is isolated and peaceful.  She fears she suffers from the same mental illness her mother did. Her worry intensifies when she starts seeing and hearing things after arriving at the house.  Tom is dismissive.

When she can’t find her pills, Tom says he’ll always be there to rescue her and hands her some capsules. Bailee says she takes tablets, but Tom tells her this is her normal medicine.  Is Tom gaslighting her or is she losing it?

When Bailee wants to leave because she doesn’t feel safe, Tom says she can leave if she wants, but he needs to stay to write his novel.  Well that turned quickly from always being there for her. Also it doesn’t make sense for her to leave him alone at her family home.

When Bailee was a kid, she was friends with the boy next door. But when she decided she would rather play with her doll than him, he jumped off a cliff.  His parents blame her for the death.  Tom’s lack of support for her trauma is once again on display as his phone buzzes with calls from his ex. Then she shows up at the house.  How did she find them? And why is Tom annoyed with Bailee for being upset at this unexpected development?

Most of the characters aren’t likeable and there’s not a lot of Humpty Dumpty in this, which is fine since he’s not that interesting. He’s an old life sized doll that spends most of his time sitting around doing nothing.

They didn’t so much bury him, as rest his coffin at the grave

The self incriminating to do list

Tom’s brilliant novel writing